Best of the JBorhood 2008 - Part 2

Aloha Friends and JBors,

I fully intended to start a new tradition this week, holding the Annual JBorhood Year End Awards (affectionately referred to as 'The Hoodies') during the week between the NFL Conference Championship Games and the Super Bowl, however, over the weekend, I encountered a minor scheduling conflict. Of course, by minor what I mean is '4 day, 2700 mile', and by scheduling conflict what I mean is 'trip to Las Vegas'.

So, much to the dismay of my fan (Author's Note: No, that is not a typo. But, never fear, I plan on doubling my fan base by the end of year. Maybe even tripling it. Let's see ESPN top that!), The Hoodies are on hold while I get my [pick a term of your choice: Vegas, gamble, drink, club, debauchery, Cirque de Soleil, hang over, walking through the middle of the street drinking a 40, lap dance (just kidding, mom)] on.

So, sit back, relax, pray for my soul, and enjoy the second half of our look back at the Best of the JBorhood 2008.

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(From My Triumphant Return - 7/11/2008)
In a move that can only be described as utterly Cub, the Cubs acquired disabled list MVP Rich Harden. When he's healthy, he might be the best starter in baseball. The caveat of course being that Rich Harden is to disabled lists as the JBorhood is to obscure, alliterative, run on sentences.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…


(From Paying Your Dues - 8/1/2008)
Being a worse quarterback then Brett Favre is a like being a worse porn star then Kobe Tai. You don't beat yourself up too much, because not many people can take a pounding, get you excited and bring opponents to their knees quite like Favre or Kobe. (I've written a lot of metaphors in JBorhood, but I assure you, that was, far and away, the most fun metaphor I've ever researched. I was tempted to provide a link to inform the readers who are not familiar with Kobe's "body" of work, but decided to take the high road. Trust me when I say that searching for "Kobe Tai" in Google will more then suffice. You just might not want to do it at work...)


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)


(From Matter of Perspective - 9/12/2008)
Michael Phelps had eight chances to win a medal, whereas Kobe Bryant only had one. Both athletes won 100% of their possible gold medals in dominating fashion. Am I supposed to discount Kobe because the Olympics doesn't recognize 1 on 1, 3 on 3, the dunk contest, the 3-point shooting contest, H-O-R-S-E, P-I-G, and quitting on your teammates in the NBA Finals as Olympic events? (Sorry, I had to go there.)


(From We Believe - 9/12/2008)
The Patriots claiming that no one believed in them is like WalMart claiming that no one believed they could outsell Old Ferguson's Corner Store or Michigan claiming that no one believed they could beat Appalachian State (oh...wait.)


(From A Thin Correlation Between Love and Hate - 9/19/2008)
WARNING: Reading the following article will make you an asshole. Not quite a just-finished-reading-Atlas-Shrugged asshole, more like a guy-at-the-office-who-explains-why-you-paid-too-much-for-your-new-car asshole. So, if you don't want your friends to hate you because of your new found proclivity for bloviating about statistical misconceptions, you may want to skip this week's article. Consider yourself warned. (Yeah, I just said bloviating. That just happened).


(From A Matter of Taste - 9/29/2008)
Stella Artois is the beer of choice for college aged yuppies with tapestries of Che Guevara on their walls who think their two week summer vacation to Europe made them hip and worldly (hint: it didn't). You can easily spot these assholes, because they're sporting a faux-hawk, Cuban dictator hat, hemp necklace, and a wooden peace bracelet and as soon as they enter a bar, they'll turn to their friends -- who, conveniently, are wearing the same pretentious loser uniform -- and say "Dude, they have STELLA!"


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

(From Strange things are afoot at the Circle J - 11/14/2008)
We could solve the educational problems in America by hiring Snoop to make educational videos. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch "Gangstah Grammah w/ Snoop". Only a punk ass would split his infinitives, biatch! Someone please make this happen.


(From A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball - 11/21/2008)
Call me crazy, but I'm of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club.


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports. (For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
I'm not sure what effect this had on the game, but between Andrew Manley and Rico Newman, Leilehua dominated Punahou in the number-of-players-whose-names-

sound-like-they-belong-to-a-porn-star category. I will respectfully refrain from making a joke about them being the only two Leilehua players to hook up for a score.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
Finally, my personal favorite stat: Punahou players hurdled more Leilehua defenders (2), than Leilehua players scored touchdowns (1). Yes, you read that right. Two Punahou players, Robby Toma and Dalton Hilliard, both of whom, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, will line up for UCLA next year, literally jumped over would-be tacklers. Un. Be. Lievable. You don't need to know much about football to understand that it's not a good sign when the opposing team treats you like a Track & Field prop more frequently than you put the ball in the end zone.

Best of the JBorhood 2008 - Part 1

Happy New Year, Friends and JBors!

As the year comes to a close, let's take a look back and celebrate the best moments from the JBorhood in 2008.

(For the record, yes, that is a clever way of saying that the ratio of time spent drinking egg nog to time spent writing the past two weeks is approximately infinity.)

For all you NFL fans out there, never fear. The JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! 2009 is on the way, but still needs a little more time in the oven before serving (because no one likes an under-baked prediction). I'll serve the entree portion early next week, but here's a few appetizers to whet your appetite.

(I think I stretched that food metaphor about one joke too far...)

NFL Playoff Predictions

First Round:
Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Second Round:
Colts over STEELERS
TITANS over Ravens
GIANTS over Eagles
PANTHERS over Cardinals

Division Championship Round:
GIANTS over Panthers
Colts over TITANS

Super Bowl:
Colts over GIANTS

(Get ready for the Manning Bowl everyone...)

Now, without further ado, let's take a look back at the first half of the year that was here in the Hood.

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(From Sugar Bowl Damage Control - 1/4/2008)
I'm going to let you savvy J-Borhood readers in on a little secret of mine. Feel free to use it to impress your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, roommates, acquaintances, grocery store clerks, Starbucks baristas or various other people who's respect you desperate crave. J-Borhood Maxim of Quarterbacks: The quality of a quarterback is directly proportional to the quality of his offensive line. Simple, elegant and utterly undeniable. Quarterback's mysteriously get better when they have plenty of time to throw the ball and look decidedly pedestrian – or, as I prefer to say, Grossmanian – when they are constantly forced to scramble in the pocket and evade relentless pressure. Don't get me wrong, the Axiom does not suggest that the difference between Tom Brady and Rex Grossman is the quality of their offensive lines, only that if you provided Grossman the time to sip his morning coffee and read the paper before making his throws like Tom Brady, that he'd look like a quality NFL starter. Similarly, the one game in which Tom Brady had a terrible game was against the Ravens, who had a ferocious pass rush all game and sacked Brady four times. It's not rocket science people, just the J-Borhood Maximization.


(From NFL Playoff Primer 2008 - 1/5/2008)
But, there's still hope [that the Patriots will lose]. Perhaps God is simply trying to draw out the suspense. Perhaps He believes it will be more damaging to the Patriots to come so close to a perfect season, only to lose it all in the playoffs. For now, all we can do is hope. Because at this point, it appears that the only thing that can stop the Patriots is an act of God.

Note: That's right. The JBorhood predicted the Patriots loss and David Tyree's helmet catch on Jaunary 5th. Almost makes up for picking the Giants to lose Tampa. And Dallas. And Green Bay. And New England.


(From A Football Carol - 1/18/2008)
(Norm Chow): Hello, fellow sons of Hawaii. I know that all hope seems lost, but the sky is always blackest just before the dawn. Take my hand, I can show you the way. [Author's note: I'm not entirely sure why my Norm Chow speaks like Cain from Kung Fu, but I wouldn't it be REALLY funny if he did. Seriously, can't you imagine him getting all Zen-Master on Vince Young? "Vince, Confucius say, Quarterback who runs first, pays later" Ok, maybe it's just me.]


(From 2008 Anual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! - 2/3/2008)
I feel like I've written the same thing for the past three weeks, but if the Jaguars, err…Chargers, err…Giants can put consistent pressure on Tom Brady without having to take men out of coverage to blitz, then they have a chance. Unfortunately, the Patriots have the best offensive line since the mid-90's Cowboys (for you non-football fans out there, if an average NFL offensive line is a picket fence creating a small, but sturdy impediment for opposing defenses, then the mid-90's Cowboys lines were like Alcatraz, if Alcatraz was surrounded by tiger sharks with laser beams on their heads.) rendering the possibility of creating pressure on Brady for four quarters nearly impossible.


(From Pro Bowl Musings - 2/11/2008)
The game taught me everything I need to know about Terrel Owens. He dropped two easy passes to start the game, which drew the ire of the crowd and a chorus of boos. Then he caught a magnificent shoe string catch on fourth and 13 to spark an NFC rally and a rain of praise from the crowd. Wildly inconsistent. Supremely talented. Polarizing figure. Done. Done. and Done.


(From Bore Me Like Beckham - 2/22/2008)
That is not to say exhibition matches can't be fun (I kept that sentence in specifically for it's fabulous use of a double negative). I attended the Pro Bowl two weeks ago with my buddy and had a blast. But I had more fun drinking beer in the sun and watching the players trash talk each other then I did watching the game. Furthermore the game was on a Sunday afternoon, my wife was at work and I got a free ticket. If I had exerted less effort to watch the game, they would have played it in my living room.

(From Bore Me Like Beckham - 2/22/2008) Sadly, David Beckham aside, the LA Galaxy is not the English national team and the Houston Dynamo is certainly no Brazil. The fact is, the MLS is still a second class soccer league. Actually, that's being kind. The MLS is a third class soccer league. And it's not like they brought in big name opponents like Manchester United, Chelsea, Barcelona or AC Milan. Sydney FC? Gamba Osaka? Gamba Osaka sounds more like pickled vegetables then a soccer team. (In fact, I'm pretty sure I had some Gamba Osaka at Shyrokiya the other day and it was kind of gross.)


(From J-Borhood Oscar Recap 2008 - 2/28/2008)
Let me get this straight. Brad Bird, the writer of Ratatouille, has two Oscars and Johnny Depp has zero? Seriously, do the winners of all the minor awards still get the same respect as the legitimate Oscar winners? Do they still get invited to the after parties? I picture them standing around outside a liquor store like Seth, Evan and Fogell, talking about trying to pick up chicks with their Oscars and debating whether their McLovin fake ID will work.


(From A Bittersweet Farewell - 3/7/2008)
A football season without Brett Favre is like Cinemax without soft core porn (What? You expected peanut butter without jelly?). You'll still watch, you just might not pay for the premium package. Let me put it this way: prior to this year, if my friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding, which happened to fall on the same day as a Bears-Packers game, he'd be looking for a new best man. This year, I'd at least think about it (before saying no).


(From A Bittersweet Farewell - 3/7/2008)
During the Packers hey day I would not have shed a tear if I found out that Brett Favre had been hit by a bus. While being eaten by a polar bear. With rabies.


(From Bursting the Bubble - 3/13/2008)
To put the poor state of their athletic department in perspective, in 2001, Duke won twice as many games in the NCAA Tournament (4), as the Gaels won the entire season (2, for those of you with embarrassingly bad math skills).


(From Bursting the Bubble - 3/13/2008)
You can argue whether Arizona State and their .500 conference record deserves a spot more then a St. Mary's team that plays in a conference dominated by pudgy white kids all you want, but it won't change the fact that, at the end of the day, UCLA, Memphis, Kansas and North Carolina will play in the Final Four.

Note: That's right. The JBorhood correctly predicted the Final Four befor the start of the tournament. Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, I should probably include the author's note that followed the aforementioned prediction.

(Author's Note: This is NOT my actual Final Four, so don't try and use this to get a leg up on me in our March Madness pool. In fact, if you pick the four #1 seeds to make the Final Four, I think you should be disqualified from the tournament for being a douche. I'm just saying...)


(From The Jimmy First Half Recap '08 -3/26/2008)
It looks like Trenton took his time, did some research and filled out half his bracket then went out, drank a 12 pack and took 14 Jager shots before filling out the second half. In the East and South Region, Trenton correctly identified all eight, Sweet 16 teams. In fact, he only missed two games in both regions. COMBINED. Unfortunately for him, those Jager shots came back to bite him in the Midwest and the West. (Maybe it's a geography thing. He does live in New York...) In those regions, he only picked two of the eight, Sweet 16 teams and incorrectly picked a whopping 14 of 24 total games. Next year Trenton, for your sake, may I suggest picks first, Jager second?


(From JBorhood Quick Hit #1 - 4/4/2008)
Kenny was arrested after a half-mile foot chase that began in the Police parking lot. For Kenny's sake, I'll kindly gloss over the fact that starting an altercation in a police parking lot while in possession of two ounces of marijuana is never a good idea, however, I can't pass up the opportunity to reiterate that he was captured after a half mile foot chase. Seriously, you're an NFL defensive back and you can't even run away from the cops for more then a half mile? That's sad. Forget the embarrassment to their franchise; the Browns should cut him for performance reasons. (Either that or sign the cop who caught him to a one year deal.)


(From A Farewell to Jimmy - 4/15/2008)
Without Shaun's gutsy selection of Kansas as the eventual champions, the Jimmy would have likely been won by Juan, who selected two upsets (that's right, two) in his entire bracket. Hopefully, future participants will learn a valuable lesson from Shaun's bracket: It's better to be unfathomably lucky, then any good at picking basketball games.


(From A Farewell to Jimmy - 4/15/2008)
The Whatever Helps you Sleep at Night Award is presented to the participant who avoided finishing in last place due to two people not filling out their brackets, one person not realizing the numbers by teams names indicated their rankings and one person picking Sienna to win the tournament because "Sienna is the greatest city in Tuscany!".


(From NBA Playoff Prognostication 2008 - 4/20/2008)
In baseball, statistics tell me that Barry Bonds gets on base every other time he steps up to the plate, hits home runs like Ike Turner hit wives and that his defensive range and base stealing abilities have developed inversely proportional to the growth of his cranium. In basketball, statistics tell me that Jason Kidd has a superb assist to turnover ratio, but they can't explain that he gets used more then a beer bong at a frat house when he tries to guard anyone with two functional legs.


(From NBA Playoff Prognostication 2008 - 4/20/2008)
So take what I say with a grain of salt. In fact take it with a lot of salt. Get out a Margarita glass, line the rim with salt and let me pour my delicious, refreshing and hilariously uninformed thoughts, musings and predictions into it for your enjoyment.


(From A Foolish Consistency - 4/25/2008)
But, something strange happens to scouts when they see a quarterback take his shirt off. All of a sudden, they care more about how the quarterback looks in a wet T-shirt contest -- "Johnny, do you see Flacco's abs under that baby-T?" -- then how accurately they throw the football


(From First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! - 5/3/2008)
I have a pet peeve with people who name thier animals with people names. Sure, some names like Max work equally well for humans and animals alike, but for the most part, it just sounds weird giving commands to a dog named Frank. Frank, sit. Frank, stay. Frank, don't poop in my new pair of shoes. See? Weird.


(From First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! - 5/3/2008)
Perhaps the most disappointing of all the horses names, considering that this Colt's dad has an incredible name: Mineshaft. It sounds cool, it rolls off the tongue and has a veiled sexual reference. Perfect. Cool Coal Man, on the other hand, sounds like the nickname of an aging NBA veteran with bad knees, ugly custody battle and a heroin addiction. Not so good.


(From My Triumphant Return (Step 1) - 6/13/2008)
I'm taking a page out of the Michael Jordan school of comebacks. Once the media hype reaches a fever pitch, I'll drop my patented brand of humor, sports acumen, irreverence and filagry on the world. (If you think that last sentence was just an extemperaneous excuse to use the word filagry, then you know me all to well.)

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