JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza 2011

We have a problem.

Two of our nation's most sacred drinking-related holidays, Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby, follow each other in rapid succession. There is an overabundance of quality-alcohol-fueled-bacchanalia in such a very short window. And, I don't know why I never realized this before; in 2007 the Kentucky Derby actually took place on Cinco De Mayo. What are we supposed to do when that happens? Tequila juleps? (Author's Note: I actually found this recipe on Twitter the day after posting this article. As usual, the universe is messing with me.)

We have only one sensible recourse: move Cinco de Mayo to June.

We can't move the Kentucky Derby. The entire horse racing calendar is built around the Derby taking place on the first Saturday in May. Shifting the dates of every horse race in the world is a logistical nightmare.

No, we have to move Cinco de Mayo.

We can't move it March, which already has White-People-Do-Stupid-Things Day (or St. Patrick's Day as it's referred to colloquially), so we need to push it back a month to give party goers the appropriate amount of time to plan, celebrate, and recover between holidays.

Sure, some people will yammer on about the 5th of May having some significance to Cinco de Mayo, but that's just sentimentalism. Others will make similarly trite arguments about the events of Cinco de Mayo taking place in 1862, thirteen years before the first Kentucky Derby (1875), but it's only a thirteen year difference and can we really trust pre-turn of the Century Mexican record keeping?

It makes the most sense to push back Cinco de Mayo a month and celebrate it on June 5th. Call it Junio de Mayo if you want to get all technical.

Tequila tastes better in the Summer anyway.

---

Now that we've cleared up that little snafu, let's move on to the most important item of business: the Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Rankings.

As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Derby Kitten (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 9)

Derby Kitten only qualified for the field when another horse withdrew at the last minute and lost it's only other race on dirt by 27 lengths. Even worse, it's owners, Ken and Sarah Ramsey, force the jockey and horse to wear staggeringly ugly matching red hats with Giant "R"s (for Ramsey) in an ego glorifying display of stupidity.

On the bright side, it'll be that much easier for them to spot Derby Kitten in the back of the back.


19. Watch Me Go (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 20)

This horse's one claim to fame is an upset victory in the Tampa Derby, which is akin to winning the automatic NCAA Tournament qualifying berth from the Big Sky.

Watch Me Go would be much more appropriately named Watch Me Go Home.


18. Decisive Moment (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 18)

A horse with no endurance in a long race, ridden by a 52 year old dude named Kerwin. Excuse me for not getting excited.

The only decisive moment will occur with 1/2 mile to go when this horse falls to the back of the back.


17. Master of Hounds (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 11)

An ugly horse with strange markings. A vaguely pretentious monarchical nickname. A trainer who never entered the horse in a dirt track race before the most important dirt track race in its life.

Do I even need to tell you Master of Hounds is European?


15. Comma To The Top (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)

A month ago, trainer Peter Miller said he wouldn't enter Comma to the Top in the Derby because Comma lacked the endurance to run such a long race.

Last time I checked, the length of the derby hasn't changed.


16. Santiva (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 12)

Santiva is short, struggles in traffic, finished a disappointing 9th in his last race and, most importantly, his name sounds more like an exotic strain of marijuana than a racehorse. Not good.


14. Mucho Macho Man (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 13)

Does anyone else find it ironic that trainer Kathy Ritvo is trying to become the first female trainer to win a Kentucky Derby with a horse named Mucho Macho Man? I suppose it rolls off the tongue better than than Wander Wonder Woman.


13. Archarcharch (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 1)

Archarcharch is going to loseloselose.


12. Soldat (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)

For the record, SolDat is the fourth most interesting permutation of the letters a, d, l, o, s, and t closing following LostAd, DoLast, DaLost, and LaSold.


11. Brilliant Speed (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 2)

Brilliant Speed is equal parts fantastic name and embarrassingly presumptuous. Anything less than an outright victory or comically ironic last place finish would be disappointing, which, of course, is why it will finish in the middle of the pack.


10. Pants On Fire (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 7)

Similar to trainer Kathy Ritvo, jockey Rosie Napravnik is attempting to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby, plus, she's sneaky hot. Well, she's female jockey hot, which, for the record, is somewhere between WNBA hot and female body builder hot.


9. Stay Thirsty (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 4)

Normally I wouldn't get excited about a horse that finished 7th in the Florida Derby by 20 lengths, but this is the most interesting horse in the world.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

8. Midnight Interlude (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 15)

Mightnight Interlude is fast, has good endurance, is trained by one of the best in the business (Bob Baffert, who has trained three previous Derby winners), sounds like a suave way of describing a late night romantic soiree, and is the only horse entering the Derby with two consecutive victories. Unfortunately, his jockey will be wearing this.


7. Twinspired (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 10)

Forget the silly name - a pun only a horse racing aficionado could appreciate - and focus on the fact this this Twinspired might be the first horse to ever scare his way to victory. He has speckled dark-gray skin, tattered gray hair, and cold, jet black eyes that look like they could suck your soul out of your body. I'm 75% sure the jockey is going to carry a scythe instead of a riding crop.


6. Shackelford (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 14)

I was going to research interesting facts about Shackelford, but got distracted by this incredible recipe for Mint Julep Pannacotta, which, when you get right down to it, is much more interesting than a horse named Shackelford.

5. Uncle Mo (Odds: 9-2, Post Position: 18)

Uncle Mo is a beast. No, really. Look at this him. He's a monster. He has more muscle definition than mid-80's Schwarzenegger. If all things were equal, Uncle Mo would pick his year's derby field out of his hoofs.

Sadly, all things are not equal. Uncle Mo suffered his first defeat in his pre-derby tune up at the Wood Memorial and was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal infection after the race. He's been on a steady diet of antibiotics for the past month and it is still a race day decision as to whether or not he will run in the Derby.

But, if he does and if he's sufficiently healed from infection look out.

You have been warned.


4. Animal Kingdom (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 16)

Animal Kingdom has great speed.

Animal Kingdom has great endurance.

Animal Kingdom beat two Derby entrants Decisive Moment and Twinspired to qualify for the Derby.

Animal Kingdom has a sufficiently bizarre, yet memorable name that would befit a Derby champion.

There's just one tiny problem...

Animal Kingdom has never run on dirt.

Normally, this type of glaring flaw would bother me, but Animal Kingdom is also the name of the Disney World Park that has my 3 year old daughter's heart racing.

Let's get it on.


3. Twice the Appeal (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 3)

I said it last year and I'll say it again.

Two words: Calvin Borel.

Borel has won three of the last four Kentucky Derby's - finishing an impressive third the only year he failed to win - including a 2009 victory on 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird. In a year of uncertainty, with no clear favorites and only one horse (Midnight Interlude) coming in with a streak of more than one victory, I see no reason why Calvin Borel wouldn't ride another long shot to an improbable victory.

If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.

(On a side note: If Borel brings home his unprecedented third derby victory in a row, they'll have to change Twice The Appeal's name to Thrice The Appeal. Either that or Calvin-Mother F'ing-Borel.)


2. Dialed In (Odds: 4-1, Post Position: 8)

He's a little ugly, has a great trainer - Hall of Famer Nick Zito, world class speed, an ability to kick into high gear at the end of races, a great post position, and a fabulous name for a race horse. He came from the back of the pack to beat Shackelford by a nose in the Florida derby.

Historically, a horse with four or less stars hasn't won the derby since 1918, but Dialed In has the size, speed, training staff, and pedigree to buck 93 years of history.

Dare I say, he's dialed in.


1. Nehro (Odds: 6-1, Post Position: 19)

Nehro came from behind and almost won the Arkansas Derby... losing by a nose to Archarcharch.

Nehro came from behind and almost won the Louisiana Derby... losing by a nose to Pants on Fire.

So why am I so confident that a horse coming off two consecutive losses to horses in this Derby field is going to trot away with the roses? The Kentucky Derby is 1/8 of a mile longer than both the Arkansas and Louisiana Derbys, giving Nehro just the time he needs to use his incredible closing speed.

This Saturday, look for Nehro to be the Hero.

Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! 2010

The NHL playoffs are in full swing. (Don't laugh. The NHL playoffs are incredible. You couldn't pay me to watch a regular season hockey game, but playoff hockey games are staggeringly intense. It's like soccer, except where they actually score goals. Ok, maybe comparing a marginal sport to an even more marginal sport is not the most effective way to drive interest, but trust me on this one. Playoff hockey rocks.)

The baseball season is rounding into form.

The second round of the NBA playoffs are primed and ready to roll.

So, of course, I'm going to write about horse racing. (What can I say? I'm a sucker for two minute sporting events that require you to drink whiskey cocktails and wear funny hats.)

So put on your finest fedora, grab a handful of crushed ice, whip up a batch of mint syrup, and give yourself a liberal pour of whisky, because it's time for the annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza!

As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Homeboykris (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 19)

This isn't a good horse name. It isn't a good dog name. Hell, it isn't even a good intramural water polo team name.

The only positive thing about Homeboykris's name is the fact that trainer Rick Dutrow didn't name him after a bowel movement like his last horse (Big Brown). I know, I know, Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby. He was still named after poop.

19. Dean's Kitten (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 8)

Dean's Kitten? Puh-leeze. The owner couldn't have given him a less threatening name if they tried.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently bad about using the [Name]'s [Animal] nomenclature for choosing a name for a racehorse, but you have to pick a strong name and a ferocious animal, like Salvatore's Manticore.

Now that's a horse that could win the derby.

18. Paddy O'Prado (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 10)

Putting aside the fact that Paddy O'Prado sounds more like a drunk Irishman than a racehorse, Paddy has only one quality win in her career... against Dean's Kitten.

17. Make Music For Me (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 9)

I love the story of trainer Alexis Barba trying to become the first female trainer to win the Kentucky Derby. I'd love it more if her horse had won more than one race in eight attempts.

16. Line of David (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 5)

Get in the back of the line, David.

15. Stately Victor (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)

Stately Victor sounds like the name of a portly Saint Bernard, not a champion racehorse.

14. Mission Impazible (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 14)

Congratulations, you either thought it would be cool/funny/fashionable to name your horse after a pun that only makes sense to you or you're illiterate.

Nice work, ace.

(Having said that I'm sure I'll read an article about how the horse was named by the owner's darling two-year old son, who couldn't pronounce impossible. I know if I had to enter a horse in the Kentucky Derby, I'd let my two year-old daughter Haley name it, meaning it would almost assuredly be named "Triceratops Boobies".)

13. Backtalk (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 18)

Let's just say that descriptors like "modestly accomplished", qualifying for the field due to injuries to other horses, and losing to 30-1 Derby long shots (American Lion) by 14 lengths in qualifying tournaments are not things I generally associate with Kentucky Derby winners.

12. Discreetly Mine (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 15)

If you were married to someone, wouldn't you be a little worried if the name of their horse conjured images of clandestine infidelity? I'm just saying...

11. Sidney's Candy (Odds: 5-1, Post Position: 20)

The irony of Jenny Craig (yes, that Jenny Craig) naming her horse after a confection is not lost on me. That said, I suppose Sidney's Candy is better than Sidney's Bran Muffin.

10. Dublin (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)

Things I associate with Dublin: Scotch. Guinness. Leprechauns.

Fast horses? Not so much.

But, there's a street in Dublin named after my ancestor, Jeremiah D'Olier -- who founded the Bank of Dublin -- (no, really), so I can't be too hard on the big fellah.

9. Noble's Promise (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 3)

So close. If the owner's had just switched the 'l' and the 'e' in Noble's Promise's name, it would have been creative, inspirational, and intellectual. Instead, they sound like pretentious wankers.

8. Jackson Bend (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 13)

I'd like to say that the fact that Jackson Bend never finished worse than second place in nine races was the determining factor for this pick. But, really, I'm just giddy at the thought of hearing a smug Brent Musburger say "and Jackon's coming round the bend..."

7. American Lion (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 7)

A fast horse with a wild streak, an elegant, yet simple name, and the ability to hold back and kick into high gear down the stretch. On Saturday, look for this lion to roar. (I'm sorry. That pun is terrible, even by my standards. Yes, surprisingly, even I have standards.)

6. Awesome Act (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 16)

The owners nailed every field on the great racehorse naming checklist.

Two words. Check.

Slick alliteration. Check.

Unpretentious. Check.

Rolls off the tongue. Check.

Not named for a family member named Dean, a kitten, or a combination of the two? Check.

Also, in his last two races, Awesome Act won the Gotham Stakes -- a premier prep race for the Kentucky Derby, and finished third in the Wood Memorial -- another prestigious Derby tune up -- after stumbling coming out of the gate and throwing a shoe.

Forget Dez Bryant running a 4.5 40-yard dash at the NFL combine after forgetting his shoes. Awesome Act finished third in a race without a shoe.

Boo-yah.

5. Conveyance (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 12)

Forget the cool name.

Forget the crazy speed.

Forget that this horse is trained by three time Derby winner, Bob Baffert.

The only thing you need to know about Conveyance is that he looks scary. Really scary. He's a dark, cloudy gray with piercing black eyes and a jet black mane. He looks like he should be ridden by one of the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. (For the record, I'm not sure if I should be more embarrassed for making that comparison or for not having to Google "Nazgul".)

If he wins the Derby, I'm 90% sure that he'll eschew the winnings in exchange for your soul.

4. Super Saver (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 4)

Two words: Calvin Borel.

He rode 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird to victory in last year's Derby, before pulling the ultimate shocker and choosing to ride a different horse, Rachel Alexandra, in the Preakness, which he also won.

Trainer Todd Pletcher, who's 0-24 in the Kentucky Derby and just lost his prize horse and pre-Derby favorite, Eskendereya (who I'm convinced was named as a way of punishing sports writers for ignoring horse racing for all but two minutes every year) to injury, is searching for a miracle.

If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.

3. Lookin At Lucky (Odds: 3-1, Post Position: 1)

Seven races. Five wins, a place (2nd), and a show (3rd).

By all accounts, Looking at Lucky was the fastest, most dominant horse in every race he ran and is the odds on favorite to win on Saturday. But, he has a bad habit of running into traffic and if he doesn't get a good start, could get locked into the rail.

Oh, who am I kidding? I just think anyone who names their horse "Lucky" deserves to eat it.

2. Ice Box (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 2)

Ice Box has great top end speed and likes to hang back and make a strong late push, which often fares well in a long distance race like the Derby.

Plus, how can you not like a horse whose name makes it sound like he's owned by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction. (How do I know which horse is yours? It's the one that says Bad Motha-F***** on it.)

1. Devil May Care (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 11)

Here I go again.

Two years ago, I picked the unsung filly (horse jargon for a girl) Eight Belles to win the Derby in honor of the impending birth of my daughter Haley. Eight Belles preceded to run the race of her life, finishing a narrow second behind Big Brown, before tragically breaking two ankles at the finish line and being euthanized on the race track minutes later.

The experience ranks as one of the most tragic, heartbreaking moments of my entire sporting life and I've watched horse racing a little differently ever since.

I'm worried about throwing my heart and soul behind another little girl, but, as they say, to Hell with it. Devil May Care.

Go get em, girl.

JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! 2009

It’s been approximately 364 days since my last Mint Julep, which is a borderline tragedy and I’m not going to take it anymore.

I hereby declare that the Mint Julep shall be associated with the following events to ensure that they are consumed on a regular basis:

• The French Open – What better way to toughen up the French image than associating it with a rugged, manly beverage?
• The Daytona 500 – Because the only people at the Daytona 500 not drunk on whiskey are the drivers...or so we like to hope.
  
• Pandemic Outbreaks – All this Swine flu talk makes me want to drink.
• Tuesdays – I think this speaks for itself.
  

I’ll write up a draft of my proposal and forward it to Mr. Obama. I can’t imagine he has more important things to worry about.

In order to tide you over until the impending Julep renaissance, allow me to present my rankings for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, pole position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Mine That Bird (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 8)
19. Summer Bird (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 17)

The only thing these horses will compete for on Saturday is which one of them has a worse bird themed name.

18. Join in the Dance (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 9)

One part hippie unity + One part ‘Lord of the Dance’ = A complete mess

17. West Side Bernie (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 1)

Can we all agree that no one, under any circumstances, should ever be named Bernie? I’m pretty sure “naming someone Bernie” is right next to waterboarding on the Bush Administration’s list of approved torture methods.

16. Advice (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 4)

You want some advice? Don’t bet on this horse.

15. Chocolate Candy (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 11)

I know that “Big Brown” won the Derby last year, but I still can’t get excited about a horse named after a bowel movement…

14. Nowhere to Hide (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 18)

I think we can all agree that it’s never good when a horse’s description begins with “the colt isn't very accomplished or fast”.

13. Hold Me Back (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 5)

Why would you name a race horse “Hold Me Back”? It’s like naming a boat “Crash Me in to the Reef”.

12. Mr. Hot Stuff (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 3)

I find it difficult to get too excited about a horse with a name that is more befitting of an over the hill male stripper.

11. Flying Private (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 20)

If only they’d added an ‘s’ to his name…

10. Papa Clem (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 7)

Papa Clem sounds like someone I want to kick back and drink Mint Juleps with on the stoop. Papa Clem does NOT sound like a horse I want to bet on.

9. Atomic Rain (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 14)

Atomic Rain is small.

Atomic Rain is slow.

Atomic Rain has only won one race and it was only half as long as the Derby.

But dammit, Atomic Rain is the best horse name I’ve heard in my entire life.

8. Friesan Fire (Odds: 5-1, Pole Position: 6)

Friesan Fire is the anti-Atomic Rain.

Great endurance, great speed, great pedigree, but “Friesan Fire” is an unintentionally dyslexic nightmare.

7. Desert Party (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 19)

I got nothing. I just like to party.

6. Musket Man (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 2)

He lacks the elite speed needed to consider him a favorite, but he’s won five of his last seven races and starts with a great pole position. Plus, he’s named after an old bad ass gun, man.

5. General Quarters (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 12)

Approximately one fourth as good as General Dollars.

4. Pioneerof the Nile (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 16)

No, that is not a typo. There is no space between the ‘Pioneer’ and the ‘of’ in Pioneerof’s name, and it drives me crazy.

Someone thinks they’re really clever. I think they should be punched in the face.

3. Regal Ransom (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 10)

A tailor made great horse name: An element of class, blended with a hint of edginess, polished off with a sexy alliteration. (Plus, he’s SO DARN CUTE!!!!)

2. Dunkirk (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 15)

Dunkirk has all the elements of a Derby winner and his only loss was to pre-derby favorite Quality Road, who had to pull out of the Derby with a cracked hoof. Now that Quality Road is out of the Derby field, the only thing that stands between Dunkirk and roses is a name that would be more appropriate for a luggage company.

1. I Want Revenge (Odds: 3-1, Pole Position: 13)

Incredible speed + Great Pedigree + Solid Pole Position + A name that suggests the horse will shiv anyone that tries to pass him = Automatic JBorhood Favorite

Before I sign off, I want to dedicate this year’s article to last year’s runner up, Eight Belles who was euthanized after breaking both front ankles shortly after crossing the finish line.

You might be gone, but I haven’t forgotten you. Sweet dreams, princess.

Good night, sweet princess

[Author's note: This article is not intended to be funny or witty or entertain in any way. I am not attempting to grandstand or make any point, nor do I wish to make light of any of the events that occurred in last Saturday's Kentucky Derby. I am simply crushed following the death of Eight Belles.]

I am heartbroken.

I selected Eight Belles, a 20-1 underdog, as my pick to win last Saturday's Kentucky Derby, because she was a filly and recently, my family has become overrun by women (my wife, my dog, and my unborn daughter outnumber me 3 to 1). Nothing about her previous record or comments in the media led me to believe that she had a shot to win, however, the nearing prospect of fatherhood imparted me with a sentimental attachment to the only girl in the race. She was tiny, compared to the other muscular colts in the race, but she was a beautiful little girl and I followed my heart.

Tragically, after running the race of her life and finishing in second place, she suffered two broken ankles and had to be euthanized on the track. I am devastated and sad and without words to sum up my feelings.

I do not feel like writing an article this week. I just want to dedicate this space to the memory of a true fighter and one hell of a woman. Good bye, Eight Belles. I'm proud of you and can only hope to raise a little girl as strong, determined and impressive as you.

Good night, sweet princess.

First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza!

May is the time for horses, hats and whiskey, the key ingredients of a Clint Eastwood movie, my annual fishing trip with Ennis Del Mar and...

THE KENTUCKY DERBY!

Not that I need an excuse to sit on the couch, wear a funny hat and drink Mint Juleps in the afternoon (Wednesday is whiskey day, right?), but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. (I'd say no pun intended, but you wouldn't believe me and it wouldn't be true.) It's time to fire up a batch of mint syrup, dust off my trusty bowler and enjoy the most exciting two minutes in sports.

While I cannot send each one of you a virtual mint julep -- do you really want to drink something that comes out of your mouse? -- I can help you sort out the crowded Derby field, JBorhood style. My rankings involved a complex formula that took into account odds, pole position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

(Sorry. The more research I do, the less juleps I get to drink.)

20. Big Truck (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 7)

Big Truck is a fabulous nickname for an offensive lineman, not so much for a race horse. I see little finish for Big Truck.

19. Cowboy Cal (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 17)

Cowboy Cal sounds like the name of an obnoxious character on a children's TV program. ("Hi, everbody! I'm rootin' tootin' Cowboy Cal!") Sorry Cal, you're a long way from the Rodeo.

18. Adriano (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 15)

I have a pet peeve with people who name thier animals with people names. Sure, some names like Max work equally well for humans and animals alike, but for the most part, it just sounds weird giving commands to a dog named Frank.

Frank, sit. Frank, stay. Frank, don't poop in my new pair of shoes. See? Weird.

The only saving grace of this name, is that it's four syllables long, so it rolls of the tongue. In fact, if you say it like you're Antonio Banderas, it almost sounds cool.

17. Denis of Cork (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 16)

Double whammy. Not only did they give their horse a people name, they added a pretentious title to the end like some obnoxious pomeranian owner.

"I'd like you to meet Lord Chesterfield of Barkville."

If I ever get a Rottweiler, I'm going to name it Sir Rotty of EatsYourSillyLittleDogVille.

16. Cool Coal Man (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 1)

Perhaps the most disappointing of all the horses names, considering that this Colt's dad has an incredible name: Mineshaft. It sounds cool, it rolls off the tongue and has a veiled sexual reference. Perfect. Cool Coal Man, on the other hand, sounds like the nickname of an aging NBA veteran with bad knees, ugly custody battle and a heroin addiction. Not so good.

15. Recapturetheglory (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 18)

Orlearnthelocationofyourspacebar

14. Tale of Ekati (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 2)

13. Anak Nakal (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 3)

I Googled the name "Tale of Ekati" and discovered that it is an epic Arabian poem about the Persian prince, Anak Nakal.

(This isn't true, but it sounds like it should be, right?)

12. Monba (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 14)

Something tells me that Monba is going to loseba.

11. Z Humor (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 11)
10. Z Fortune (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 6)

Zeedle Dee and Zeedle Dumb.

9. Bob Black Jack (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 13)

Now, why did they stick a perfectly good name like "Black Jack" and ruin it by sticking "Bob" on the front? Do you think that Seabiscuit would have won the Triple Crown if he was named Sebastian Seabiscuit? I rest my case.

8. Visionaire (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 8)

I love the way this name rolls of your tonugue. Say it out loud right now. Come on, say it. Don't question me asshole, just do it! See, sounds pretty good.

7. Court Vision (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 4)

Nothing to say. I'm just a sucker for sports related names.

6. Big Brown (Odds: 3-1, Pole Position: 20)

Most experts say that Big Brown is the horse to beat. He's won every race he entered by large margins and has an uncommon blend of speed and endurance, which is important for a long race like the Kentucky Derby. Unfortunately, he got stuck on the far outside with Pole Position 20 and is named after a bowel movement.

5. Gayego (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 19)

I'm so glad that went with Gayego instead of their original choices, Gayeslow, Gayestop and Gayedoesn'trunveryfast.

4. Smooth Air (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 12)

If I just ranked the names, I'd put Smooth Air in first. Simply a fantastic name. I'm rooting for him to win, just so I can hear Brent Musburger scream "Smooth Air is coming strong up the outside. Smooth Air is making his move. Smooth Air! SMOOTH AIR! SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!". (On second though, that's a little creepy.)

3. Colonel John (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 10)

Heading into the Derby, Colonel John looks like the prohibitive favorite. He's fast, has the endurance to sustain for the full mile and quarter, finished first or second in all of his six race and has great starting position. I want to pick him, but I can't help but think of Kentucky Fried Chicken when I hear his name.

2. Pyro (Odds: 6-1, Pole Position: 9)

Pyro is my sleeper pick to upset favorites Big Brown and Colonel John. He had won every race he entered until a startling 10th place finish in his Derby tune up. The catch? That race was on polytrack, a synthetic surface, which Pyro had never run on before. I think Pyro returns to form as he returns to dirt. Dare I say, he sets the Derby on fire. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

1. Eight Belles (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 5)

What can I say, I'm a sucker for girls. Between my wife, my dog and my soon-to-be-turning-my-universe-upside-down daughter, my world is overrun by girls, so why fight it? This filly has never raced against the gentleman before, but I've learned to never underestimate girls in my life.

Now, if you excuse me, I need to go drink a julep before I end up with any more girls in my life.