The Annual Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2011

I am the World's foremost authority on Yo Gabba Gabba. Over the past two and a half years, I've spent more time with Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee, Plex, and DJ Lance than anyone outside of my daughter and the Editor-in-Chief. If the fate of the free world hinges on an extensive knowledge of brightly colored furries teaching kids life lessons through indie music, President Obama is calling me.

In the grand scheme of children's television programming, Yo Gabba Gabba is quite tolerable (which I suppose is like saying in the grand scheme of Taco Bell food, Mexican Pizza is the least likely to cause diarrhea). Still, there's only so many times you can hear the catchy and informative song "Don't Bite Your Friends" before it starts to have the reverse effect. At a certain point - somewhere around the 4,700 hours mark - you start dreaming up inventive ways to postpone the slow creep of insanity resulting from the almost unbearable repetition of chirpy educational fluff.

My favorite tactic is to create alternate story lines and ponder the background and relationships of the characters. Yo Gabba Gabba supposedly chronicles the educational interactions between DJ Lance Rock and his collection of magical toys. But, when I watch, I see a much more intricate and mature and storyline.

Muno, the giant one-eyed bumpy orange phallus, is coming to grips with his homosexuality; Foofa, the pink "flower" creature, never received proper attention from her parents and desperately seeks affirmation, which drives her blatant promiscuity. Toodee, the blue female arctic cat-dragon, is tormented by her unrequited love of Foofa. Brobee, the green striped square with arms, suffers from learning disabilities and anger management issues, a sad result of his parents drug abuse. And Plex, the magic androgynous robot, struggles with the paradox of assisting the development of his friends while lacking the capability to feel. These complex emotional and psychological undercurrents provide sufficient depth to help me stave off the desire to set myself on fire during the 379th rendition of the song "I Like Bugs".

This Sunday, I'm going to have to use similar tactics to help keep me from banging my head against the wall during five hours of Packers and Steelers bacchanalia.

There are few teams or players in sports that I actually hate, but the Packers are one of them. While Chicago trotted out a different hide-the-women-and-children embarrassment to the very idea of quarterback play every year, the Packers had Brett Favre. From 1992 to the present, Rex Grossman led Bears Quarterbacks with 20 wins. During that same period, Brett Favre had 22 wins against the Bears. Now that Favre is no long around to torture Bears fans, the Packers new quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, might be even better. Shoot. Me. Now.

While I lack a similar personal connection to fuel my distaste for the Steelers, it's hard to root for a team that has won six Super Bowls and is poised to win their third in that past six years. Compound that with a quarterback who should probably be in prison for sexual assault charges - and yet, strangely, is more beloved and accepted than a guy who got pulled out of an NFC title game with a knee injury. Stallworth drove drunk and killed a pedestrian, Roethelesburger sexually assaulted a girl, Michael Vick viciously slaughtered dogs, but we hate Jay Cutler. Go figure. - and you see why I have trouble getting excited for Steeler Nation.

Worse of all, the game will end with either the coronation of Aaron Rodgers as the best quarterback alive (which would likely result with me vomiting in my hands), or fuel the patently absurd notion that Ben Roethlesburger is the greatest quarterback of all time (In his seven year career he's had a Top 3 defense five times, the #1 defense three times and led a Top 10 offense only twice - #9 both times. People who suggest Big Ben is better than Peyton Manning deserve an elbow to the crotch).

I can't remember a year when I've been less invested in a Super Bowl, which is strange considering it should be a great game. The Packers and Steelers are two of the NFL's oldest and most storied franchises. They both have incredible defenses and explosive offenses. By all accounts they are evenly matched and Sunday's game should be one of the most competitive ever. But, no matter what I try, I can't get excited for this Super Bowl.

I've spent the entire week trying to think of alternate story lines, unrelated to the game, to help stomach a 300 minute tug job of the franchise that ruined my formative football years and the team that wins championships like I make Rex Grossman jokes. Maybe I'll just go watch Yo Gabba Gabba with Haley. At least the music won't be as bad as the Black Eyed Peas at halftime.

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In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.
In 2009, it was The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.
In 2010, it was The "It's actually just about the Quarterback" Bowl.

This year, I'm proud to present the One Too Many Injuries Bowl.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of the Pittsburgh Steelers as underdogs in the Super Bowl. They've won more Lombardi Trophies than any team in history, two titles in the past six years, and always seem to come up big when it matters most (Roethlesburger to Santonio Holmes anyone?). But there's only so many injuries a team can sustain at key positions before you have to start wondering how they can patch the holes.

With Maurkice Pouncey officially out of Sunday's contest, the Steelers offensive line is playing without their starting center and both starting tackles. Ben Roethlesburger thrives at evading pressure in the pocket, extending the play, and making plays down field, but can a patch work offensive line reasonably contain a defense with BJ Raji, Clay Matthews, and Darren Woodsen that likes to disguise blitzes and bring pressure from all angles? How much smoke and how many mirrors do the Steelers have left? The battle at the line of scrimmage - on both sides of the ball - will define this contest, and I don't know if Pittsburgh has the man power to hold Green Bay at, well, bay.

When Pittsburgh has the ball, watch the middle of the line to see whether back up lineman Doug Legursky, making his first career start at center, can hold the point of attack against Green Bay's rotund nose tackle, Gabourey Sidibe look-alike BJ Raji. Between Roethlesburger's ability to escape pressure and Rashard Mendenhall's tough running, the Steelers are almost uniquely capable of overcoming offensive line deficiencies, but the line needs to, at least, give the playmakers a chance to get down field. Also, the Packers main weakness on defense is slowing down the tight end. Look for Pittsburgh TE Heath Miller to have a big day gashing Pittsburgh up the seam (For the gambling addicts out there, Miller has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.).

When Green Bay is on offense, keep a close eye on how close Pittsburgh lines up their defensive backs. Typically, they play one in tight press coverage and the other about 10 yards off the line of scrimmage. If Pittsburgh sticks with this alignment, Green Bay will rely heavily on quick slant patters - their bread and butter - and, as we saw on the Packers opening drive against the Bears in the NFC Title Game, are capable of getting down the field in a hurry. (For the gambling addicts out there, slant route runner extraordinaire also has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.) The battle between the Packers offense and Pittsburgh defense to make the other get out of their standard alignment could swing the outcome of the game.

At the end of the day, the Packers ability to spread out the Steelers defense on fast Dallas turf and apply pressure to an embattled Pittsburgh offensive line should result in a convincing, if not overwhelming Packers victory, except... Green Bay has this nagging tendency to let teams hang around and the Steelers thrive in ripping the heart out of opposing teams in close games and no one is better than Ben Roethlesburger at converting big third downs and leading game winning drives. If the Packers don't step on the Steelers' throat and keep them in the ball game, look for the Men of Steel to win their unprecedented seventh Lombardi Trophy.

But.... I don't think it will be close at end. I think the Packers jump out to a fast start and never look back. 31-21 Packers. Let the Aaron Rodgers coronation begin. I will now curl up in the fetal position, donning my Jay Cutler jersey.

The Annual JBorhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2009

A few months ago, I had faith that our government could effectively deal with the Wall Street Credit Crisis, so I turned my attention elsewhere and rescued the country from the Sports Credit Crisis. Unfortunately, my faith in our elected officials was unwarranted. Our country is now in the middle of a full blown recession. Millions have lost their jobs. Those that still have jobs have taken severe pay cuts, had benefits stripped, and watched their retirement savings dwindle. The country needs a hero and I'm just the man for the job. I have a simple, elegant, effective, and realistic solution to calm the markets, quell unemployment, and restore order to our nation's economy:

More pornography.

(What? You expected me to say temporarily increase government spending on infrastructure improvements and green technology to create jobs, pass legislation to encourage consumer saving, add restrictions and a fraud clause to the bailout package, abolish COLA mileage restrictions on automobiles and increase the tax on gasoline to use free market forces to reduce emissions and aid the American Auto Industry, and reduce overall spending to lower the federal budget deficit and strengthen the dollar? I said realistic solution, not idealistic fairy tale.)

At first glance, pornography is a small, almost insignificant portion of the US Economy. It generates an estimated 3.9 billion dollars a year, which accounts for a scant .02 percent of the US GDP. However, you get an entirely different picture when you examine pornography as a percentage of Internet business.

Pornography is the silent engine of the US Internet Economy. Pornographic expenditures are one the ten biggest categories of Internet spending and four of the 50 most viewed Internet sites are related to pornography. All in all, one of every 200 dollars spent on the Internet is spent on adult entertainment.

What does this tell us?

In an anonymous setting, people are 25 times more likely to spend their money on pornography. Which makes sense. On the Internet, you don't have to worry about being watched, judged, or running into someone from work, obliging an awkward interchange:

"Oh hey, Joe. Is that Co-Ed Ass Masters 42? That's a really good series. I'm just here to pick up a vibrator and some tranny porn. By the way, did you finish your research on the market valuation for mid-priced condos?"

Probably not the sort of situation most people are looking for after a long day at the office.

The internet allows people to freely express themselves, unencumbered by societal pressures. And as the economy continues its current downward spiral, people need that freedom and release -- I'm thinking that, given the topic du jour, 'escape' might have been a safer word choice. -- more then ever. If we can break down the social constructs that hinder the efficiency of America's economic engine, we could quicken the recovery of our nation's economy.

For example, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend and had a conversation about economics with a budding young female entrepreneur named Diamond. Diamond is 22 years old, married, a mother of two, and lives in Chicago. She does not have a job back home, but she flies to Vegas two weekends a month for the "economic opportunities".

J: "You only work two weekends a month??!?!?"
Diamond: "Hell yeah. There's crazy money here in Vegas, honey."
J: "Define crazy money."
Diamond: "About two grand if it's slow. But I make six when it's poppin."
J: [Puts hand in front of mouth to prevent the most recent sip of Ketel soda with lime from spraying all over his newfound friend]
Diamond: "You gonna be alright, honey?"
J: "Just thinking about a career change."

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I thought about my conversation with Diamond. (Author's Note (to Wife): My CONVERSATION with Diamond. CONVERSATION. Don't look at me like that. You were there too!) I realized that we need to stand up for our basic economic freedoms. We need to stop submitting to unjust legislation that dominates enterprising business people like Diamond, forcing her to fly across the country for work. We need to inject our intellectual capital back into our communities. We need to stimulate local growth. (We, apparently, need to tone down our sexual metaphors.)

Our country is in the midst of conflict. Last year, the Lingerie Bowl, a revered Super Bowl tradition involving scantily clad women playing football, was canceled because the athletes were not wearing enough clothing. This year it was canceled because the fans were not wearing enough clothing. We remain a country divided.

But, hope is on the horizon. I'm bolstered by the fact that a woman is the Secretary of State. I'm even more proud that our country elected its first African American President. But if we can't celebrate and embrace a football game played by gorgeous women in lingerie, we've still got a long way to go.

Luckily, this dispute is about to be settled once and for all in the public arena. On Sunday, America will watch high-flying, new age, unrestrained freedom battle the bastions of historical conservatism in a winner take all match up.

In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.

This year, the JBorhood is proud to present The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.

The Arizona Cardinals are football pornography. Exciting. Fun. Flashy. Lurid. Scintillating. Titillating. Pure offensive football in its most sensational form.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, on the other hand, represent the old standard. Traditional. Careful. Stoic. Conservative. Careful. Plodding. Pure defensive football in its most rugged form.

Their match-up in Super Bowl XLIII (43 for those of you without a degree in Roman Numerology) is a contest between pure, unfettered, exhilarating social freedoms and the stodgy, conservative social norms.

New vs. Old
Offense vs. Defense
Risk vs. Certainty

So, don't let anyone tell you that "it's just a game" this Sunday. This time it means something. Knute Rockne famously implored his team to "Win one for the Gipper." This Sunday, I'm asking the Cardinals to win one for the zipper.

So, God bless the Cardinals; God bless freedom; God bless pornography; And God bless the United States of America.

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Game Breakdown

The old adage says a good defense beats a good offense. This bodes well for the Steelers who have the league's best defense, perhaps one of the best defenses of all time. The Steelers have more overall talent than the Cardinals; The Steelers are a seven point favorite in Las Vegas; The vast majority of national pundits have picked the Steelers to win. In fact, nearly all rational measure and analysis suggests that the Steelers should win the Super Bowl. Decisively.

But then, all rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have made the playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Carolina Panthers in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game.

Anyone who claims to have picked Arizona to make it to the Super Bowl is either lying or Kurt Warner.

But when the Giants shocked the world and knocked off the undefeated Patriots last year, they turned the NFL upside down. Picking NFL games has devolved from a pseudo-science to a nonsensical game of chance. Monkeys throwing darts at a chalk board would have done better picking games this year than football professionals.

In the playoffs, underdogs went 6-4. Road teams went 5-5. Historically, the top two teams in each conference won approximately 75% of their opening round games. This year they lost 75% of their games. Whether a team is good is now far less important then whether a team is hot.

Which makes the Cardinals intriguing. Like last years Giants, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football going into the Super Bowl. They corrected their early season issues and played, far and away, their best football in the playoffs. They weren't the best team in football all season, but they're playing the best now.

Compounding that difficulty is that the teams match-up perfectly with one another.

The Steelers thrive on a confusing defense and blitzing scheme, designed to shut down the run and confuse the opposing Quarterback. The Cardinals rarely run the ball and have a veteran Quarterback who's as good as anyone in the game at reading defenses and identifying the open man.

The Cardinals defense is predicated on creating turnovers. The Steelers have a conservative rushing attack designed to protect the football.

The Steelers have one of the best coaching staffs in football that develops confusing offensive and defensive game plans designed to create match up problems for the opposition. The Cardinals head coach, Ken Wisenhunt, and offensive line coach, Russ Grimm, coached for the Steelers three years ago and have intimate knowledge of their schemes and personnel.

So where does this leave us?

Do we pick the team that should win, or the team that recent history warns us not to overlook?

Do we pick with our head or our heart?

Personally, I'm a numbers guy, a logic man, and my logic says the Steelers defense should do what they do best, bottle up the Cards and ride out a convincing victory in the second half. But then again, my logic picked the Seahawks, Bears and Patriots to win the last three Super Bowls, so what do I know?

Against my better judgment, and all relevant evidence, I'm picking Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals, and the continued growth of a liberal attitude towards pornography to rule the day.

Look out, America. Change, as they say, is coming.

[Author's Note: This article was the repayment of a bet I lost to fellow writer and good friend Mike Oppenheim of www.mikeyopp.com, whose writing I strongly encourage you to check out. When the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals I had to write an article on the topic of his choosing:

"The astounding amount of money made on the Internet by pornography, as compared to any other business, and how our US government is overlooking porn when looking for solutions to our economic meltdown."

I assure you, I would never voluntarily write about such a controversial topic.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll see you next week for more lurid sensationalism. Ciao!]