(Don't) Stop Believing

Something strange happened today.

After Ryan Dempster proved unable to locate the plate with a compass, a GPS navigation system, a Sherpa, and a copy of Google-fucking-Maps on his iPhone;

After James Loney turned into Barry Bonds;

After Manny Ramirez turned into, well, I suppose he always was Manny Ramirez;

After a 40-year-old Greg Maddox finished off the Cubs like a 20-year-old Mariano Rivera;

After Cubs relievers decided that appearing in a playoff game without surrendering a run is so 1908;

After I decided to leave work to at 3 in the afternoon -- when the game was in the eighth inning here in Hawaii -- because I needed a beer;

After the bartender refused to serve me because I didn't have my ID;

After the bartender realized that I was far more likely to throw myself off a building then give her a citation for serving alcohol to someone without ID;

After I pounded the beer in under two seconds;

After the bartender asked me if I was OK;

After I told her that I would be better if she poured me another beer;

After I finished that beer faster then the first;

After she told me not to tip her and have a safe drive home;

After I got home and popped open the bottle of scotch; (Actually, shortly after opening the bottle of scotch...)

Because at that moment, I gave up on the Cubs. I decided that they had no chance of beating the Dodgers; No chance of winning the World Series; No chance of breaking the Curse of the Billy Goat; No chance of ending a century's worth of frustration. At that moment, when all hope was lost, I realized...

The Cubs have a chance.

Not a great chance, more of shot in the dark really, but a chance nonetheless. (So you're telling me there's a chance...) You see, for the Cubs to finally break their curse, they need to lose games like today's. They need things to go wrong. They need everyone to finally give up on them. Because, as soon as everyone gives up, then the Cubs have nothing to lose. And that would make them dangerous.

For the United States hockey team to beat Russia, they needed to lose an exhibition match to the Russians 10-3 and have everyone lose faith.

For the Red Sox to break the curse of the Bambino, they needed the Yankees to go up three games to none and have everyone write off their chances.

For the United States to break a nine year drought in the Ryder Cup, they needed to lose Tiger Woods.

For the Giants to beat the Patriots, they needed everyone to debate whether the Patriots were the greatest team in NFL history instead of discussing whether the Giants had a chance.

To overcome incredible adversity, each of these teams needed to hit rock bottom. They needed to lose everything. But as soon as that happened, as soon as everyone lost faith, as soon as people counted them out, they rallied around the belief that no one believed in them and they found a way to believe in themselves.

So I say stop believing in the Cubs. In fact, tell your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your uncles, your co-workers, you congressman, your senators, the hot barista at Starbucks, hell, even that crazy guy at the bus station, to stop believing in the Cubs. Tell everyone who will listen. Tell 'em even if they won't listen. Make it your goal to make as many people as you possibly can stop believing in the Cubs.

Because, maybe, just maybe, if the Cubs have nothing to lose, they'll finally be able to gain everything.

EAMUS CATULI!
(Go Cubs!)

2007 MLB Playoff Primer

Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it.

I mumbled the mantra under my breath all day as I struggled to decide whether to write about the Cubs and the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs or crawl under a rock. On one hand, I wanted to continue the J-Borhood tradition of hysterically bad predictions -- I’ve incorrectly picked the last two Super Bowl winners and only guessed 2 of 7 series winners from last season’s MLB playoffs – on the other hand, I was not sure I could handle the pressure of potentially cursing the Cubs playoff hopes. That’s when I had an epiphany:

How could I possible jinx the most cursed franchise of all time?

Any possible jinx that I placed on the Cubs would pale in comparison to the Curse of the Billy Goat and 99 years of combined futility. Moreover, maybe the added gravity from my curse would cause all the negative energy of the Cubs to implode like a black hole and explode outward in a supernova of good luck that ultimately propels the Cubs to the World Series Championship! (I’m a Cubs fan. Let me have my delusions.)

At the end of the day, I decided that writing about the Cubs winning the World Series is about as close as I will ever get to experiencing a true Cubs championship, so I better take the opportunity while I can. With that in mind, sit back, relax and enjoy my list of 20 reasons to watch the 2007 MLB playoffs and my 2007 MLB playoff prognostications.Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a rock before all the good ones get taken.

TOP 20 REASONS TO WATCH THE 2007 MLB PLAYOFFS

20. The potential for Yankees/Red Sox Armageddon III

The never ending Yankees/Red Sox coverage is like a train wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t avert your eyes. Even though the prospect of a week of non-stop Yankees/Red Sox coverage makes non-Boston and New York fans nauseous, Yankees/Red Sox is still the best rivalry in sports. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to puke.

19. The potential for an Angles vs. Indians ALCS

Because, contrary to what ESPN would have you believe, good baseball is played west of the Appalachians.

18. Curse Watch 2007

Last time the Cubs were in the post-season, Fox had a computerized goat run across the screen before every commercial break. In preparation for this year’s round the clock Cubs curse coverage, I created a handy Cubs playoff drinking game:

Every time an announcer mentions the Cubs history of futility: Take a drink
Every time they mention the Curse of the Billy goat: Take a shot
Every time they mention Steve Bartman: Start to take a drink, but spill it on yourself and blame it on the person sitting next to you.
Every time the Cubs botch a play and the announcers attribute it to a curse: Chug a beer
Every time the Cubs blow a routine play that causes them to lose the game: Slam head repeatedly into table and remember why you vowed to never watch Cubs playoff baseball again after 2003.

Cubs playoff baseball, catch the excitement!

17. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck

Oh wait, that was for my other list: Top 20 Reasons NOT to watch the MLB playoffs…

16. Seven new playoff teams

No Tigers. No A’s. No Twins. No Padres. No Cardinals. No Mets. No Dodgers. Who says parity isn’t alive and well in baseball?

15. Youth aboundsArizona’s starting lineup features more rookies (Chris Young, Justin Upton, Mark Reynolds, Connor Jackson, Stephen Drew), then veterans. The Rockies have two rookie starters, a rookie shortstop and a lineup of numerous three years players. Even veteran stalwarts like the Red Sox (Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, John Papelbon), Yankees (Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy) and Cubs (Ryan Theriot, Carlos Marmol, Mike Fontenot) have rookies and second year players making huge contributions. With all the quality young players in the post-season, a few are bound to make history. For those of you with more morbid senses of humor, a few are also bound to irreparably damage their confidence. Either way, you can't lose!

14. The Phillies Hitting

Speed. Power. Patience. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

13. The Phillies Pitching

Which is a good thing, given that their starting staff consists of an injured ace, an old guy, a rookie and a journeymen. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

(At this point I like to mention an awe-inspiring talent of one member of each team in the playoffs, but I just realized that I don’t know anything about any member of the Rockies. Seriously. With that in mind…)

12. The Rockies ability to win without any recognizable players

11. Joe Borowski pitching. In the playoffs.

10. Vlad’s ability to hit a pitch four feet off the plate.

9. Jimmy Rollin’s Speed

8. Joba Chamberlain’s Heat

7. Joba Chamberlain’s Name

6. Brandon Webb’s Sinker

5. Big Papi’s Swagger

4. Carlos Zambrano’s Temper

3. The fact that the Cubs are in the playoffs

2. The Cubs eventual meltdown (At least you know it’ll be memorable…)

1. What would happen if the Cubs did not melt down

2007 MLB PLAYOFF PROGNOSTICATION

Division Series

American League
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels

I’d like to say, for the record, that I hope this doesn’t happen. That said, I can’t see it any other way, due to the unfortunate matchups. If American League Baseball was rock-paper-scissors then Yankees beat Indians, Indians beat Red Sox, Red Sox beat Angels, and Angels beat Yankees. The Red Sox own Angels ace, John Lackey (1-4 with a 7+ ERA against the Red Sox) and the Indians lack the offensive firepower to exploit the Yankees poor pitching staff. Sad, but true.

Get ready, because Armageddon is coming.

National League
Cubs over Diamondbacks
Phillies over Rockies

I spent the last three days trying to figure out how the Diamondback won 90 games. I found nothing. They have one player, Eric Byrnes, an Oakland castoff, who hits above .300 and only one starting pitcher, Brandon Webb, who consistently comes to play. I’m starting to wonder if they poison the water in the opponents dugout… On the other side, I think it’s a complete toss up. The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and the Phillies made a historical comeback to win the National League East. The Phillies have better hitting and the Rockies have better pitching, but the Phillies have home field advantage. Plus, my parents next door neighbor is a die-hard Phillies fan and I promised him I’d pick the Phillies.

League Championship Series

American League
Red Sox over Yankees

Personally, I think the Yankees have the recent emotional edge, which gives them the slight upper hand. But I picked them last year and they lost in the first round. Advantage, Red Sox.

National League
Cubs over Phillies

The Phillies scare me. They have the perfect strong hitting, weak pitching setup that gives the Cubs fits. But this is my blog, damn it. GO CUBS!

World Series
Cubs over Red Sox

Recent history has taught me that the Cubs are a million times more likely to implode in catastrophic, historical fashion then win the World Series. But I feel like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when Lauren Holly tells him that they have a billion-to-one chance of ever getting together…

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME, THERE’S A CHANCE!

GO CUBS!