We're going to Disney World!
You, me and our closest 658 friends.
(In case you were wondering, that was the Hawaii State Board of Education's answer to the question, "You've just found out that you have to cut one million dollars from your budget, what are you going to do?")
In a decision that can only be described as mind bogglingly stupid (I swear, it's the ONLY way to describe it. Nothing else would suffice. Take that hyperbole to the bank.), the BOE decided to deal with a budget deficit by cutting the budget of High School sports by nearly 10%. Then, since one bad decision deserves another (otherwise they get lonely), they decided to address the budget reduction by cutting JV sports completely. For sake of argument, I'll overlook the fact that studies have linked physical activity to improved brain function. I'll kindly glaze over the studies showing that kids in organized school activities are far less likely to do drugs or commit a crime. What I refuse to ignore is the Board of Education sending 680 people on a paid vacation to Disney World, in a year when they need to make 10 million dollars in budget cuts.
Yes. That's right. The Board of Education sent 680 people to Orlando, Florida and justified it as a business trip to check out a model school.
I'm sure there's a model school in Orlando. I'll take it on good faith that all 680 people visited the school and learned valuable educational lessons that they have since applied to their own school district in Hawaii. But the thing I can't possibly understand is why they sent 680 people to do a job that could have easily been done by five.
My first thought was that they wanted to send someone from every school in Hawaii to visit the model school. That sounds quasi-logical, right?
Except, of course, for the fact that there are only 280 schools in Hawaii. That means the BOE sent approximately two and a half people from every school on the island to do a job they could have accomplished by paying for the principal of the model school to come visit. Hell, they could have paid for the entire school administration and all the teachers to fly to Hawaii and still have spent less then they did to ship everyone off to the third Happiest Place on Earth. (The second being Disney Land and the first, of course, being my pants. Sorry, that joke sounded better in my head.)
The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.
(Author's Note: For the most part, I try to maintain a fair measure of journalistic integrity here in the JBorhood. That said, the goal is to inform AND entertain, so I opted for a more sensational approach to this story. In truth, the story deserves a more gentle touch and a fair amount of research. In the interest of fairness, I will learn more about the trip to Orlando as well as the Department of Education's budget so that I can provide more substantive feedback on the story. In the mean time, can you believe they sent 680 people to Orlando????!?!?!?!?!?!?!!)
Wait a second...Colt Breannan is Awesome? Get out of town...
I hate to say I told you so (Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. I love being right and I love letting everybody know about it, but humility seems to be all the rage these days, so I'll play along.), but Colt Brennan is an amazing Quarterback. In his debut for the Redskins, Colt went 9/10 for 123 yards and 2 touchdowns, completed passes of 20, 26 and 34 yards, and scrambled out of the pocket on a play when his protection broke down, strung the play along for about 10 seconds before finding an open man in the end zone. Vintage Colt.
Meanwhile, Joe Flacco went 0/3 for 0 yards and 2 sacks in his debut and began updating his resume. Don't worry, Joe. Frank's House of Pancakes will always be there for you.
(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)
Paris Hilton for President? That's Hot.
I usually refrain from commenting about anything remotely involving Paris Hilton. I'm not a fan of shooting fish in a barrel and it's far too easy to poke fun at a spoiled debutante, whose claim to fame is enormous wealth and a sex tape. That said, I'd like to give a JBorhood tip-of-the-cap to Paris for her video retaliation of John McCain's attack add, which negatively compared Barack Obama to Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton. Not only does Paris manage to laugh at herself in the video, she presents a forward thinking, coherent Energy plan and tops it off with "I'll see you at the debate...bitches."
Bravo, Paris. Bravo.
Friday, August 08, 2008
We're Going to Disney World!
Friday, June 13, 2008
My Triumphant Return (Step 1)
Step 1: Post something, anything online to wet the palate of the audience and begin the landslide of media hype, internet rumors and water cooler discussions about the validity of your eventual comeback.
(I'm taking a page out of the Michael Jordan school of comebacks. Once the media hype reaches a fever pitch, I'll drop my patented brand of humor, sports acumen, irreverence and filagry on the world. )
(If you think that last sentence was just an extemperaneous excuse to use the word filagry, then you know me all to well.)
With that in mind, I regret to inform you that this is NOT a formal posting. I have nothing prepared this week and am not ready to discuss my nearly month long sojurn of fatherhood...yet. In order to tide you over until I'm ready to write something longer then a shopping list, I wanted to pass along a link to the funniest thing I've read online this year (and it's not even close.)
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the book review for the "worst book ever written".
Review of "The Shadow God", by Aaron Rayburn
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Bye Week Survival Guide
The University of Hawaii football team has a bye this week, which, for those erudite readers who frequent the J-Borhood for it’s haute couture, but lack the sports acumen to adequately comprehend my topic of choice, means they do not play a game this week. While this greatly benefits the team, providing them an opportunity to rest and regroup, it leaves me with a giant problem:
I have nothing to do on Saturday.
Saturdays during football season are reserved for watching UH Football. With no game this week, it leaves me scrambling to come up with a way to fill the void. To help those of you at home suffering from the same malady, I came up with a list of 10 things to do during a bye week to help maintain your sanity.
Enjoy!
10. Clean your house
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…ok, seriously, moving on…
9. Write a letter to your favorite sports columnist
Tell them how much you appreciate their work. Tell them how they have a fabulously intelligent and clear voice. Tell them they are dead sexy.
You can reach them here: jborhood@gmail.com
8. Read a book
For the record, Playboy does not count as a book. (Unless, of course, you read the articles.)
7. Play tackle football with your friends
The best part about a bye week is that all your friends have a free weekend too! Round up your buddies, grab some beer and toss the football around. Half time occurs when the first guy has to pee. The game ends when someone breaks an ankle.
6. Take a shower
Disregard this if your team is undefeated. You wouldn’t want to wreck the mojo.
5. Improve your vocabulary / Feed the Hungry
The best part? You can accomplish both at the same time, because that’s how we roll in the J-Borhood.
All you need to do is go to www.freerice.com. The site provides you an endless series of vocabulary questions and donates 10 grains of rice to impoverished people for every correct answer. Go break a mental sweat and make the world a better place!
4. Plan for next week’s tailgate party
It’s never too early to start planning for next week’s tailgate party. The J-Borhood recommends an assortment of ribs, sausage, multiple kegs, a stripper pole and a sheep. Never underestimate the importance of a sheep.
3. Go Outside
I know this sounds crazy, but before you stage a mass revolt, allow me to explain. I’m not advocating a major shift in your routine, just a change in perspective. Grab your couch, pick up a six-pack, haul them outside and proceed with business as usual. (Note: For those of you on the East Coast, I’d suggest putting on a jacket first. I hear that the thermostat does not work as well outdoors…)
2. Hang out with your girlfriend
For bonus points, tell them that you want to hang out with them this week instead of watching the game. Works like a charm.
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO ON A BYE WEEK IS…
1. Watch other games!
Because, honestly, going a week without football would be crazy.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
A Game of Chance
Sports are supposed to be fun.
Not exactly the type of groundbreaking epiphany you have come to expect from the JBorhood, but an important concept, nonetheless. Whether you watch sports, hear about sports, read about sports (on the JBorhood, of course) or participate in sports, you should enjoy yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a cheerful attitude about defeat, lord knows I have suffered my share of agonizing sports moments (damn you, Steve Bartman), but overall, I think people should participate in athletics because they enjoy it.
Which is why I take issue with gambling on sports.
Gambling removes the thrill of competition from sports. The focus is no longer on winning and losing. The focus is on winning and losing money.
The primary example of this skewed focus is the spread. For those of you unfamiliar with sports gambling, the spread is a concept used to level the playing field between two teams for the purpose of gambling. For example, if the New England Patriots played the University of Hawaii in a football game and you wanted to bet on the winner, you would undoubtedly pick the University of Hawaii (I mean come on, they’ve got COLT BRENNEN…). Just kidding. You’d pick the Patriots. Now, in order to make the pick fair, for the purposes of gambling, the person accepting the bet would set a required margin of victory for the favorite, let’s say 50 points, which is called the spread. In other words, if you pick New England to win, they have to win by more then 50 points for you to win money. Conversely, if you bet on Hawaii, they just need to lose by less then 50 points for you to win.
This sounds innocuous enough, except now, everyone that bets on the game no longer cheers for Hawaii or New England to win, they cheer for them to beat the spread. New England could take Hawaii out to the wood shed to the tune of 49-0 and people that bet on Hawaii would consider it a victory, while people that bet on New England would lament the defeat. In other words, Hawaii bettors consider any thing less then an utter humiliation a victory and New England bettors consider anything less then complete domination a defeat.
Gambling changes the goal of the sporting event from winning the game to winning the bet and there is something fundamentally wrong with an activity that leads to either, (a) feeling upset that you won, or (b) feeling happy that you lost. (Side note: There are acceptable scenarios for feeling upset after a victory or amicable after defeat. For example, a narrow victory that reveals a fatal flaw in your team, a victory in which you lose a key player to injury, or winning a who-has-more-STD’s competition with your friends. Never good to win that one…) The thrill of sports lies in the hard work, persistence and determination required to win, not correctly predicting the outcome. The joy that would accompany a Cubs World Series win or UH appearing in a BCS game comes from the years of following the teams, experiencing the agony of defeat and finally getting over the hump. It doesn’t matter how they won, or that you thought they would win, just that they won. I can put money on the Cubs not winning the World Series every year, but it doesn’t make me feel any better when they lose.
As you can probably guess at this point, I’m not the biggest gambler, but longtime J-Bors (who am I kidding, I don’t even have short term J-Bors…) will remember my participation in the annual J-Borhood Monday Night Pickoff. Me and my buddy Sean watch every Monday Night Football game and take turns picking the winner. If one our favorite teams is involved (Sean is a Colts fan, bastard, and I’m a Bears fan), then we automatically get to pick them. At the end of the season, if gambling were legal (*wink*), the person who picked more games correctly would win a six pack. The pickoff never interfered with our enjoyment of the games, until last week.
Last week, the 5-0 Dallas Cowboys were playing the absolutely horrid 1-4 Buffalo Bills. It was my turn to pick, so of course, I picked the Cowboys. Except, I felt bad about the pick, because the game appeared so lopsided. The Cowboys had just come off a Sunday night beat down of the reigning NFC champion Bears and looked to make short work of the undermanned Bills. In a moment of weakness, which I regret to this day, I told Sean, “Why don’t we use the spread.” From that moment on, I was no longer cheering for the Cowboys to win. I was cheering for them to win by 10 points.
Flash forward three hours, I’m sitting on the couch watching one most exciting Monday Night Football games in history. Exciting, that is, to everyone but me.
The Bills intercepted Dallas QB Tony Romo 5 times, recovered a fumble, returned two of the interceptions for touchdowns, returned a kickoff for a touchdown and clung to a 24-16 lead with 1:59 to play. On what appeared to be their last possession, Dallas slowly drove down the field and scored the potentially tie breaking touchdown with only :20 left. They attempted the two-point conversion to tie the game and Tony Romo lofted a near perfect pass to Terrell Owens in the corner of the end zone…only the Bills defensive back ripped the ball out of the Owens’s hands to preserve the victory.
Or so they thought.
With almost no time remaining, Dallas successfully recovered an onside kick. On the ensuing drive, Terrell Owens made a spectacular sliding catch of a Tony Romo ball at the Buffalo 10 to potentially set up the field goal, except time was running out. The Cowboys rushed to the line of scrimmage and managed to spike the ball with one second remaining. Just as the Cowboys kicker was running on the field to take kick, the referees ruled that they had reviewed the Terrell Owens catch and ruled that the ball touched the ground before he caught it.
No game tying field goal. Cowboys back at midfield. 17 seconds back on the clock.
The Cowboys ran two more plays to set up a ridiculously long 53 yard field goal, for their rookie kicker, Nick Folk, whose career long was 47 yards. Folk stepped back, Dallas snapped the ball and Folk nailed the longest field goal of his career to win the game.
Or so he thought.
Unbeknownst to Dallas, Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron called a time out right before the ball was snapped, so Dallas had to kick the field goal again. They line up again, Dallas snaps the ball and the rookie crushes it right down the middle again, finishing off one of the most absurd comebacks of all time.
As I watched this truly unbelievable sequence of events transpire, I should have been excited. I should jumped up and down and celebrated the victory the Cowboys stole from Sean’s clutches. Instead, I thought “the Cowboys aren’t going to cover the spread” and sulked over my “defeat”. A sad way to end a truly spectacular game.
So I say a pox on the spread. From now on, I’ll take my sports just like I take my scotch: straight up.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Weekend Diversion
Aloha friends and J-Bors.
Due to the start of the MLB playoffs, I posted my weekly article on Wednesday instead of Friday. That said, in order to keep my promise of delivering original content every Friday, here are a few comical links to tide you over until next week (and help you forget about the first two Cubs games...)
Criagslist meets Wallstreet
Class justification in World of Warcraft (Full disclosure, the following content is graphically dorky...)
Last, but certainly not least, I was using Google Language Tools to avoid a proxy server, so I translated the text of the Yahoo Sports page to check out the score of the Yankees/Indians game. I was puzzled by the fact that a Yankee outfielder named, M. Goatherd, hit a home run so I clicked on his name to find out more information about this unknown player. When I got to his player page, I started laughing hysterically. Apparently, Yahoo automatically translated the last name of Yankee outfielder, Melky Cabrera, from Spanish to English, which gives us...
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
2007 MLB Playoff Primer
Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it.
I mumbled the mantra under my breath all day as I struggled to decide whether to write about the Cubs and the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs or crawl under a rock. On one hand, I wanted to continue the J-Borhood tradition of hysterically bad predictions -- I’ve incorrectly picked the last two Super Bowl winners and only guessed 2 of 7 series winners from last season’s MLB playoffs – on the other hand, I was not sure I could handle the pressure of potentially cursing the Cubs playoff hopes. That’s when I had an epiphany:
How could I possible jinx the most cursed franchise of all time?
Any possible jinx that I placed on the Cubs would pale in comparison to the Curse of the Billy Goat and 99 years of combined futility. Moreover, maybe the added gravity from my curse would cause all the negative energy of the Cubs to implode like a black hole and explode outward in a supernova of good luck that ultimately propels the Cubs to the World Series Championship! (I’m a Cubs fan. Let me have my delusions.)
At the end of the day, I decided that writing about the Cubs winning the World Series is about as close as I will ever get to experiencing a true Cubs championship, so I better take the opportunity while I can. With that in mind, sit back, relax and enjoy my list of 20 reasons to watch the 2007 MLB playoffs and my 2007 MLB playoff prognostications.Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a rock before all the good ones get taken.
TOP 20 REASONS TO WATCH THE 2007 MLB PLAYOFFS
20. The potential for Yankees/Red Sox Armageddon III
The never ending Yankees/Red Sox coverage is like a train wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t avert your eyes. Even though the prospect of a week of non-stop Yankees/Red Sox coverage makes non-Boston and New York fans nauseous, Yankees/Red Sox is still the best rivalry in sports. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to puke.
19. The potential for an Angles vs. Indians ALCS
Because, contrary to what ESPN would have you believe, good baseball is played west of the Appalachians.
18. Curse Watch 2007
Last time the Cubs were in the post-season, Fox had a computerized goat run across the screen before every commercial break. In preparation for this year’s round the clock Cubs curse coverage, I created a handy Cubs playoff drinking game:
Every time an announcer mentions the Cubs history of futility: Take a drink
Every time they mention the Curse of the Billy goat: Take a shot
Every time they mention Steve Bartman: Start to take a drink, but spill it on yourself and blame it on the person sitting next to you.
Every time the Cubs botch a play and the announcers attribute it to a curse: Chug a beer
Every time the Cubs blow a routine play that causes them to lose the game: Slam head repeatedly into table and remember why you vowed to never watch Cubs playoff baseball again after 2003.
Cubs playoff baseball, catch the excitement!
17. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck
Oh wait, that was for my other list: Top 20 Reasons NOT to watch the MLB playoffs…
16. Seven new playoff teams
No Tigers. No A’s. No Twins. No Padres. No Cardinals. No Mets. No Dodgers. Who says parity isn’t alive and well in baseball?
15. Youth aboundsArizona’s starting lineup features more rookies (Chris Young, Justin Upton, Mark Reynolds, Connor Jackson, Stephen Drew), then veterans. The Rockies have two rookie starters, a rookie shortstop and a lineup of numerous three years players. Even veteran stalwarts like the Red Sox (Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, John Papelbon), Yankees (Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy) and Cubs (Ryan Theriot, Carlos Marmol, Mike Fontenot) have rookies and second year players making huge contributions. With all the quality young players in the post-season, a few are bound to make history. For those of you with more morbid senses of humor, a few are also bound to irreparably damage their confidence. Either way, you can't lose!
14. The Phillies Hitting
Speed. Power. Patience. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.
13. The Phillies Pitching
Which is a good thing, given that their starting staff consists of an injured ace, an old guy, a rookie and a journeymen. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.
(At this point I like to mention an awe-inspiring talent of one member of each team in the playoffs, but I just realized that I don’t know anything about any member of the Rockies. Seriously. With that in mind…)
12. The Rockies ability to win without any recognizable players
11. Joe Borowski pitching. In the playoffs.
10. Vlad’s ability to hit a pitch four feet off the plate.
9. Jimmy Rollin’s Speed
8. Joba Chamberlain’s Heat
7. Joba Chamberlain’s Name
6. Brandon Webb’s Sinker
5. Big Papi’s Swagger
4. Carlos Zambrano’s Temper
3. The fact that the Cubs are in the playoffs
2. The Cubs eventual meltdown (At least you know it’ll be memorable…)
1. What would happen if the Cubs did not melt down
2007 MLB PLAYOFF PROGNOSTICATION
Division Series
American League
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels
I’d like to say, for the record, that I hope this doesn’t happen. That said, I can’t see it any other way, due to the unfortunate matchups. If American League Baseball was rock-paper-scissors then Yankees beat Indians, Indians beat Red Sox, Red Sox beat Angels, and Angels beat Yankees. The Red Sox own Angels ace, John Lackey (1-4 with a 7+ ERA against the Red Sox) and the Indians lack the offensive firepower to exploit the Yankees poor pitching staff. Sad, but true.
Get ready, because Armageddon is coming.
National League
Cubs over Diamondbacks
Phillies over Rockies
I spent the last three days trying to figure out how the Diamondback won 90 games. I found nothing. They have one player, Eric Byrnes, an Oakland castoff, who hits above .300 and only one starting pitcher, Brandon Webb, who consistently comes to play. I’m starting to wonder if they poison the water in the opponents dugout… On the other side, I think it’s a complete toss up. The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and the Phillies made a historical comeback to win the National League East. The Phillies have better hitting and the Rockies have better pitching, but the Phillies have home field advantage. Plus, my parents next door neighbor is a die-hard Phillies fan and I promised him I’d pick the Phillies.
League Championship Series
American League
Red Sox over Yankees
Personally, I think the Yankees have the recent emotional edge, which gives them the slight upper hand. But I picked them last year and they lost in the first round. Advantage, Red Sox.
National League
Cubs over Phillies
The Phillies scare me. They have the perfect strong hitting, weak pitching setup that gives the Cubs fits. But this is my blog, damn it. GO CUBS!
World Series
Cubs over Red Sox
Recent history has taught me that the Cubs are a million times more likely to implode in catastrophic, historical fashion then win the World Series. But I feel like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when Lauren Holly tells him that they have a billion-to-one chance of ever getting together…
SO YOU’RE TELLING ME, THERE’S A CHANCE!
GO CUBS!
Friday, September 28, 2007
BCS or Bust?
A year ago, I would have been laughed at for suggesting that any of the following were possible:
· The University of Hawaii will play in a BCS bowl game
· Colt Brennan will win the Heisman Trophy Finalist
· Jessica Biel will take a brief hiatus from acting to bear my child
But that was before Hawaii went 11-3. Before they eviscerated Arizona State in the Hawaii Bowl. Before Colt Brennan threw for 5549 yards, completed over 70% of his passes and shattered the NCAA record for touchdowns in a season by throwing 58. Before Jessica went public with the details about our love affair. (Ok, I’m still waiting for that last one, but I’m sure she’ll announce it any day now…BTW, my wife hasn’t stopped laughing since she read that.)
Now, stories about the University of Hawaii’s quest for a BCS bowl berth and Colt’s Heisman campaign fill the pages of the Honolulu Advertiser and Star-Bulletin. Throngs of fans calling to sound off about the latest Warrior victory and Colt Brennan’s latest touchdown pass dominate the airwaves of local talk radio. The traffic on game days blocks the freeways in every direction and every bar with a television is packed with the green, black and white clad members of Warrior nation.
Warrior hype has grown to such epic proportions that even the national media has jumped on the Warrior bandwagon. The University of Hawaii is currently ranked 17th and 19th respectively in the USA Today Coaches Poll and AP Top 25; Colt Brennan is listed on every major list of Heisman candidates; Sportscenter shows UH highlights on a weekly basis; The New York Times wrote a full page feature article on Brennan’s improbable rise to glory; ESPN just put Colt Brennan on the cover of ESPN the Magazine; Most importantly, EA Sports finally showed UH some love and created the best University of Hawaii video game football team of all time in NCAA Football 2008! (Took them long enough. I’ve been playing as Timmy Chang and Chad Owens in NCAA 2005 for the past four years…)
Truth be told, the University of Hawaii football team has never had more exposure the it does right now. In fact, the team will have more hype by the time you finish reading this sentence then it did before you started. More newspaper articles. More video highlights. More radio airtime. More people talking, walking, eating and breathing University of Hawaii football then ever before.
Which brings us to a startling point about Warrior football: The team has never had more pressure then it does right now. Previously, success was defined as going to a bowl game. This season, many people consider anything less then an undefeated season and a trip to a BCS bowl game a failure. Not just disappointing, but a complete and utter failure.
I’m here to tell you, right here and right now, that is ridiculous.
First and foremost, this will be the most exciting season in the history of the program, regardless of the outcome. Between an offense that scores at will, a revitalized defense, three potential NFL caliber receivers, Colt’s Heisman campaign and the staggering visibility in the national media there are more compelling reasons to watch Warrior football now then ever before. Previously, a casual fan might watch the Boise and Fresno State games and read about the other games in the paper. Now, even an otherwise uninteresting matchup against Northern Colorado is an opportunity to watch Colt Brennan pass for 400 yards…IN A HALF! No matter how many games this team wins or losses, people will be talking about this season for years to come.
More importantly, this team has made a permanent mark on both the football program and the community. June Jones has created an excitement around UH Football that will not graduate with Colt Brennan. The team started attracting recruits who can run the 40 in under four and a half seconds and have nicknames like “Action”. (For those of you unfamiliar with the history of UH football, we used to attract recruits best described as “overachievers” with nicknames like “Pencil Neck”.) These players used to go to BCS conference schools. Now, they’re leaving BCS schools to come to the University of Hawaii. This past year, only six schools in the entire country had more players drafted is a sign of the times.
So watch with pride while the offense is clicking, the crowds are increasing, the excitement is building and the march towards history continues. But, even if, god forbid, Colt Brennan has an off game, or the defense collapses and the team loses a game this season, don’t panic and don’t lose site of the real milestone: Not that the Warriors might play in a BCS game this year, but that they can. The Warriors broke the glass ceiling of the BCS and now the gloves are off. No matter what happens this year, Warriormania is here to stay.
From now on, at the start of every season you’ll be able to say:
· The University of Hawaii has a chance to play in a BCS bowl game
· [Insert name of starting QB] has a chance to win the Heisman Trophy
· You heard all about it from Jessica Biel’s baby Daddy
Hey, don’t laugh. Just talk to me in a year.
Monday, February 26, 2007
JBorhood Oscar Recap 2007
Can someone please tell me how Ellen DeGeneres is sleeping with Portia DeRossi? Is it her sense of humor? Her love of boxed Chardonnay? The fact those both of their names start with De. I mean, I’m funny, I like boxed wine and my last name starts with D’. Does that get me in the conversation?
I’m not entirely convinced that Peter O’Toole lived to watch the presentation of the Best Picture award.
I know she walked out with the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, but when did Nicole Kidman start looking like a bond girl? Congratulations to anyone who bet on Kidman getting the better of the Cruise-Kidman split.
Speaking of gambling, what are the odds that, 6 years after the 2000 Presidential Election, George Bush would be demonized world wide, while Al Gore would be cracking “My fellow American” jokes with Leonardo DiCaprio on stage at the Oscars, celebrating his Oscar winning documentary? 100,000:1? 1 million to 1? Hell, if Gore had showed a smidgeon of that charisma during his run for President he would have won by a landslide…
Personally, my favorite Al Gore moment was when the director of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ had Gore’s arm in a death grip after winning the Oscar for Best Documentary. For a second, I though Gore was going to punch him.
I said it last year and I have to say it again. Jack Nicholson is, hands down, the coolest man alive. And it’s not even close. He’s almost 70 years old and he came to Oscar’s rocking the exact same look as Djimon Honsou, down to the Persol shades and bald head. You’re making the JBorhood Hall of Fame proud Mr. Nicholson.
Did anyone else find it hysterical that Forest Whitaker used the EXACT framework for an Oscar acceptance speech that Ellen DeGeneres joked about to start the show? He started off saying he never thought he’d ever win (#1), talked about growing up in a car (#2), and coming from a famously underprivileged area (South Central LA, #3). Couldn’t have scripted it any better.
Speaking of Forest Whitaker, when I saw his clip I was blown away by his unbelievable acting job. When I saw his incredible facial expression, where he made his right eye twice as wide as his left, I figured he had to win. Then I saw him give his acceptance speech, and though to myself, oh…his right eye is twice as his left….My bad.
Watching Jada Pinkett and Will Smith light up when their son Jaden presented the awards for Best Short Films was wonderful. It is so nice to see a happy Hollywood family. It’s easy to look at the utter madness of the Brittany Spears and Jessica Simpsons of the world and forget about the families that actually make it work.. A special JBorhood salute to the Smith family.
1st thought when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Wow!
2nd though when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Is this really their full time job?
Is there anyway we can get Hollywood actors to deliver the acceptance speeches for non-acting winners? At this point, it would take a significant amount of evidence to convince me that Best Sound Editing winner, Alan Robert Murray is not a robot. For the love of God, it’s called inflection. Use it.
Are we entirely sure that Martin Scorsese and Dennis Hopper are different people?
Speaking of which, is Cameron Diaz trying to look like Maggie Gyllnhall or vice versa? Someone please tell me they share the same plastic surgeon.
Gotta say, it looked like Ben Affleck’s dog had just died. It’s called a smile, Ben. Use it.
Did William Monahan, the writer of ‘The Departed’ screenplay and Oscar winner, really say that he was inspired to become a screenwriter by ‘Lawrence of Arabia’? I watched that movie with my Mom over spring break when I was 5 year old. We didn’t finish until Easter. When I was 7.
Some helpful advice for Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. It’s called a fork. Use it occasionally.
Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, did her Oscar come with a complementary chin job?
Why is it that the winners of the Best Foreign Film always seem to go crazy on stage? Is this somehow related to why Mexican soccer announcers scream so much?
Eat your heart out Simon Cowell. Three years after he told Jennifer Hudson she’d “never make it in this industry”, she wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and then throws down an amazing performance on stage with Beyonce? Can we get a written apology?
Raise your hand if, five years ago, you thought think Jerry Seinfeld would become painfully unfunny while Dane Cook and Jim Gaffigan were selling out arenas across the country.
What do we have to do before we can get some sideline reporters at the Oscars?
I’m pretty sure Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife and her wife’s four kids at the Oscars and it didn’t seem weird at all. Furthermore, in the past month, an African American coach won the Super Bowl, a woman became the presidential favorite, and a lesbian hosted the Oscars. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there America.
Does the Academy keep Jodie Foster in a cryogenic chamber between awards shows? She looks about as old now as she did in Taxi Driver...
George Lucas’s hair looks like the love child of Don King’s fro and Donald Trump toupee.
Can someone please tell me why they give the Best Picture Oscar to the movie’s producer(s)? Seriously, if Scorsese hadn’t won Best Director I think he might have stabbed Graham King in the heart with the Best Picture award.
Last, but certainly not least, I cannot justifiably believe that ‘Babel’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ were better movies then ‘The Illusionist’. ‘Babel’ is a three hour kick in the stomach and ‘Sunshine’ is just a mildly funny, yet overly unimpressive look at the modern American family, yet ‘The Illusionist’ bowls over the audience with…oh, who am I kidding. I just love Jessica Biel.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Super Bowl XLI: Point / Counter-Point
I’d like to provide an intelligent, insightful, objective perspective on the Super Bowl, but I can’t. The dejected Bears fan in me pukes whenever I try and praise Payton Manning. Heck, my inner fan gets nauseas just thinking about Daniel Manning. He’s even a little upset when he hears about Dakota Fanning. Even after the two week hiatus, reliving the events of 2-4 (doesn’t have quite the same ring as 9-11) is more then mildly painful. In order to get through 1000 words of torture, I’m going to channel my inner Rex Grossman and let loose a little point, counter-point I’ve dubbed, Good Justin / Bad Justin.
Good Justin:
Painful performance aside, that was the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Super Bowl. Devin Hester’s kick-off return was one of the most electric moments I’ve ever had as a fan, the defense played their hearts out, and at the end of the day, the game could not have been won by a nicer, hard working, more deserving guy then Payton Manning.
Bad Justin:
Did we watch the same game? Watching Rex Grossman crap the bed in the biggest game of his life won’t exactly go down in my Pantheon of all time greatest sports moments. Aside from the brief moment of Hester-mania, the Bears we’re thoroughly whipped on all sides of the ball and didn’t look like they belonged on the same field as the Colts. The defense was utterly overmatched by Payton Manning and the Colts Juggernaut. In the words of my brother Jordan, “it looked like Payton Manning was speaking Greek, and Brian Urlacher only understood English.”
Good Justin:
Over matched? The defense was on the field for the entire game. At half time the Bears had only run 19 plays to the Colts 46! Even though the Bears offense struggled to get things started, the Bears we’re still within five points with possession of the ball to begin the fourth quarter. That’s amazing.
Bad Justin:
Amazing? The only thing amazing about the Bears defense was their inability to adjust their game plan. After Payton Manning tossed his foolish opening quarter interception, he only attempted one more deep pass, and only when the guy covering the wide receiver fell down. Yet, somehow the Bears continued to play their safeties 40 yards deep and let Payton Manning through 2 million dump passes to his running backs, which all went for 10 yards or more. It‘s like when you play your buddy in Madden, and you keep running the same play over and over (which usually ends in swearing, thrown controllers, and/or physical violence). I’m sure if we could have seen the press box, we would have seen Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera screaming and tossing his controller down in disgust.
Good Justin:
There was nothing else the defense could have done. WE WE’RE PLAYING PEYTON MANNING, who could end up being the Michael Jordan of football.
Bad Justin:
If you EVER, compare Peyton Manning to Michael Jordan again I will beat the thunder out of you.
Good Justin:
Easy there big fellah, I’m just saying that we lost to a great one, perhaps, time will say THE great one. Seriously, the guy completed two thirds of his passes in the pouring rain!
Bad Justin:
So what? Rex Grossman completed 70% of his passes “in the pouring rain”.
Good Justin:
Seriously?
Bad Justin:
Yeah.
Good Justin:
Are we sure he didn't blow the stat guy?
Bad Justin:
Aren’t you supposed to be the Good Justin?
Good Justin:
Right. Sorry.
All I was trying to say is that the Bears lost to one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Furthermore the Colts are a classy organization, Tony Dungy is a wonderful coach, and great role model, and I’m glad that Peyton Manning no longer has to answer the endless stream of “can’t win the big one” comments. I find it hard to hate the Colts.
Bad Justin:
You don’t have to hate the Colts to be disgusted by the way the Bears played and the coaching staff performed. What make me crazy is that the Colts won for one simple reason. They realized it was raining.
In the rain, the one thing you can’t do is throw the deep ball. The rain prevents a quarterback from tightly gripping the football, alters the spiral of the ball, and makes the ball fall a few yards short on long passes. Balls that feel perfectly thrown, end up falling comically short (see Grossman’s interception, which the Colts returned for a touchdown). In the beginning of the game, the Colts attempted one long pass, which Charles Tillman promptly intercepted. After that, the Colts were content to throw dump passes and run the football. Exactly what you should do in the rain. On the other side of the field, the Bears, a team built to run the ball and control the clock, remained determined to ride Grossman’s “fuck it, I’m throwing it deep” attitude, regardless of circumstance.
For example, trailing 22-17, the Bears have the ball on their 45 yard line. It’s second and one, and two plays prior, Thomas Jones ran for 15 yards. Do the Bears use their overwhelming size advantage on the Offensive line, run the ball, keep the chains moving and give their Defense a rest? No, they split Thomas Jones out wide and have Grossman attempt to chuck a deep ball. Not to be outdone, Grossman trips on himself and the Bears lose 11 yards. (Comical side note: Grossman tripping on himself is credited as a sack by Anthony McFarland. Years from now Anthony aka Booger McFarland can tell his kids he got a sack in the Super Bowl. He'll probably leave out the quaterback tripping over himself part.) Rather then relying on their strength, the Bears decide to defy convention and continue to throw in the rain.
Next, flash forward to the fourth quarter. Defying logic and a few laws of physics, the Bears are only down 5 points. After gaining 6 yards on first down, Grossman decides it’s in the best interest of the team to fire a 30 yard pass off his back foot into triple coverage. The pass - of course - falls five yards shy of the target and the Colts intercept it, return it for a touchdown, and begin their Super Bowl Celebration.
It’s sad, but even though they were thoroughly outplayed, out hustled, out coached, and vastly over matched at the most important position, if the Bears had simply adjusted to the rain, we’d still be talking about Peyton Manning as the next Dan Marino.
Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in the kitchen crying with a bottle of Scotch.
Good Justin:
Well, at least Baseball Season starts in two weeks!
Bad Justin:
We’re Cubs fans.
Good Justin:
...
Got an extra glass?
Parting Shots:
A rational person – let’s be honest, if you were rational you wouldn’t read the JBorhood – would have said that Dennis Green’s (the then coach of the Arizona Cardinals) tirade after losing to the Bears on Monday Night Football, would have been the greatest sports tirade for years to come. But sports is not rational (that’s why I write about it!). Enter Dan Hawkins, football coach of the Colorado Buffaloes. He left Boise State last year, where his team lost 10 games in 5 years. This year, Colorado lost 10 games in one season, and Boise State won a BCS game, in what critics are calling one of the most exciting college football games of all time. Understandably, he’s upset. On Wednesday, he went on ESPN and responded to an anonymous letter from a parent, decrying the lack of a third week of summer vacation for her son.
I started having Howard Dean flashbacks. I’m just surprised he didn’t end it with “And then we’re going to go to Texas, and then we’re going to go to Nebraska, and then we’re going to go to Oklahoma, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ha!”. He gets special JBorhood props for throwing in the Hulk Hogan-esqe “brother”. An instant classic.
For good times sake, here are Dennis Green’s and Howard Dean’s memorable moments:
Denny
Howie
Last, but certainly not least, you know the Cubs season has officially started, when Kerry Wood slips in his hot tub and injures himself.
Ciao, JWonder
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Super Bowl Commercial Redux 2007
The sting of last Sunday’s game is still fresh in my mind and writing an analysis of this loss is about as fun as watching Rex Grossman throw into triple coverage in the rain. I need to wait a week for the pain to subside before I can adequately summarize my thoughts (Payton Manning is amazing), analysis (Why did the Bears continue to throw downfield in a downpour?), and emotions (%*&#!!!). In the mean time, here is a recap of the Top 25 most memorable (read: best, worst, and most bizarre) moments from Madison Avenue’s marketing mavens.
Allow me to present the annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Commercial Redux
Rex Grossman Division
These commercials were the only thing that came close to rivaling Rex for worst performance of the Super Bowl. Watching them again actually made me feel better after the depressing game. Sort of a misery loves company appeal.
25. The Flomax Add!
I don’ t know about you, but reminders about declining prostate health are not what I want to see when I’m watching the Super Bowl. When I’m watching these ads, I can’t help but wonder, how do they convince the actors to film the commercial? How do their kids explain to their friends that their daddy has trouble urinating?
I’ve refrained from including the actual advertisement here. Trust me. You’re better off not watching it.
24. Salesgenie.com
What does it say about your companies marketing department when your ad is worse these every other commercial except for the one about prostate health? I don’t think one person in the country watched this ad and thought, “I have GOT to check out Salesgenie.com after the game.” For those of you unfortunate enough to have stock in this company, I'd suggest you short it while you still can.
23. Heart Association
I watched this bizarre succession of villains continuously pummel the guy in the heart suit and kept waiting for a superhero dressed in Phizer-branded tights to jump in and save the day. But it never happened.
This add is a painfully long beat down of a poor man in a heart suit. They might as well have called it “The Passion of the Heart”.
“Can I have my 2.6 Million dollars back?” Division
These ads fell utterly flat on the advertisings biggest stage. You could almost hear the CEO’s screaming into their phones as they fired their Marketing departments.
22. Schick Quattro
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: You don’t talk about Super Bowl Ads. Oh, sorry. Wrong rules.
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: Never show an old advertisement! It’s like taking a girl out on a second date and going to the same movie. It’s just poor form. This moderately funny Schick Quattro retread has been playing during football games all season long and I’m still using my Mach-3.
21. Revlon – Sheryl Crow
After watching this strange add, which assumes that you’ll use Revlon’s hair coloring product because Sheryl Crow used it, much to the chagrin of her effeminate hair stylist, my wife said “I’m embarrassed to be a woman.”
20. GM – Suicidal Robot
I wish I could have been privy to the conversation in which a GM marketing executive convinced the marketing team to feature an add about a robot committing suicide. What’s the message here? GM hates robots? This add made me want to cry, not go out and buy a car. At the very least an ad should improve customers attitudes toward your company, not make them want to join anti-robot cruelty organization.
Say What? Division
These ads had promising ideas, but left the viewers more confused then interested. (Not unlike the Bears coaching moves in the Super Bowl, but I digress…)
19. GoDaddy.com - Marketing Department
I’m still not entirely convinced that a website whose target market is 20-something computer nerds, has any business making a television advertisement, let alone one that costs over two million dollars. GoDaddy.com has certainly raised brand awareness with their 30 second soft core porn films, but I can’t imagine it reflects positively on the bottom line. I’m convinced the CEO makes the ads just so he can write off his strip club bills. Anyhow, this year’s ad fell short of previous attempts at humor. If you’re really interested in this genre, I recommend “Red Shoe Diaries”.
18. Budweiser – Jay – Z vs. Don Shula
Jay-Z has street cred, Shula has the rings, the futuristic football game is cool, and the ad is for beer. Seems like a sure fire recipe for success. But then some wise guy, thought Jay-Z should out coach Don Shula. I’ll give well deserved props to the Jigga-man for tagging Beyonce and writing “99 Problems”, but lord have mercy, you don’t out coach the legend. Especially when the Super Bowl is in Miami.
Super Bowl Halftime Show Division
A little something for everyone here. The Super Bowl Halftime show is always entertaining, and this years show was no different. Prince gave a commanding presence in the rain and these ads made you laugh, cry, and cheer, but if you missed either, you didn’t miss that much.
17. Pride Trailer
This ad did a great job of capitalizing on the African-American pride undertones of the Super Bowl and I’m positively giddy about the prospects of watching Tom Arnold play a racist swimming coach, but have we really exhausted every sporting movie angle to the point that we’re forced to make movies about swimming?
16. Budweiser – Every dog has his day
The first of Budweiser’s staggering number of quality ads strikes just the right chord with the audience. What can I say? I’m a sucker for dogs.
15. FedEx – Moon Office
FedEx set the bar high with last year’s tour-de-force set of caveman commercials. This year’s Super Bowl ad didn’t quite resonate the way last year’s did, but it managed to deliver some last minute hysterics.
14. Doritos – Check Me Out Lady
The ad itself is not among the elite, but the check out lady gives a command performance that could be denied.
Bears Defense Division
Much like the Bears vaunted Defense, these ads had clear potential and certainly held their own, but ultimately failed to match up with the best of the best. They deserved to be here, but fell a step below their counterparts.
13. Snapple Green Tea – Secret of the Tea
This spot earns a spot on this list because it put a smile on my face in the midst of the 4th quarter meltdown.
12. Taco Bell – Carne Asada Lions
It tastes better when you say carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrne.
11. Doritios – The Crash
The first half of the ad left me shaking my head, but the pure low-brow aesthetic of a beautiful woman falling on her face cannot be denied.
Devin Hester Division
I still haven’t figured out why teams insist on kicking to Devin Hester. Let me make things really clear: Yes, he is that fast. No, you should not kick to him. It really is that simple.
These ads followed the blueprint of the Bears human highlight film. They were ready for prime time and left a solid lasting impression.
10. FedEx – Aptly Named
This quirky, subtle ad rounds makes the top ten for its bold originality, constant humor, and winning finish. True Super Bowl material.
9. Emerald Nuts – Beware of Robert Goulet
If you told me that an add for nuts featuring a 73 year old French Canadian singer would rank in my top 10, I would have called you crazy. Crazy or not, this ad is comedy.
8. Nationwide Insurance – KFed
Make fun of Kevin Federline all you want. The truth of the matter is that he’s an ugly, no talent, deadbeat dancer, who’s rich, famous, starring in Super Bowl ads, and collecting alimony from Brittney Spears. That’s borderline J-Borhood Hall of Fame material.
Anheuser-Busch Division
Either Anheuser-Busch – still the hardest Brewery to spell in the entire world – pays their Marketing department really well, or it’s really easy to create beer commercials. Either way, the makers of Bud and Bud Light continued their utter domination of Super Sunday advertising. Now if they’d only apply these same talents to marketing King Cobra…
7. Bud Light – Auctioneer Wedding
Other marketing people must get jealous of the people who make beer commercials. While they do extensive market research to determine the most effective way to develop a strong brand and communicate a palatable and memorable message to their target demographic, beer commercial creators get to make slapstick jokes about rushing through a wedding so the beer doesn’t get cold. Life just isn’t fair.
6. Bud Light – The Hitchhiker
Original. Wacky. Superb ending. A quintessential beer commercial.
5. Budweiser – Rock, paper, scissors
I’ll know that I’ve truly become an adult when watching someone get hit in the face with a rock stops being funny. (Note: It hasn’t happened yet.)
4. Bud Light – English Class
Cedric the Entertainer made a name for himself in “The Original Kings of Comedy”, but his series of Bud Light advertisement cameos made him a star. I’ve never been a huge fan of Carlos Mencia’s hit-you-over-the-head-with-caustic-racial-remarks style, but it looks like Bud Light’s done it again. This commercial strikes a perfect blend of Carlos’s aggressive style and classic Bud Light slapstick.
3. Bud Light – Fist Bump
Once again, I think I could watch guys slap each other in the face all day. This hits every target demographic with its raucous cacophony of increasingly hilarious “new fist bumps.”. Timely, funny, and light hearted. It epitomizes true Super Bowl humor.
Payton Manning Division
These ads threw proverbial bullet passes with their proverbial “laser-rocket arms”. They knew when to pass, when to throw, took risks when they had to, and thoroughly out performed their counterparts on the biggest stage. These ads left everyone at the Official J-Borhood Super Bowl party laughing long after they were over. Truly deserving champions.
2. Sprint Broadband – Connectile Dysfunction
This ad succeeded for every reason that the Flomax ad failed. It recognized the unintentional comedy of all the uncomfortable public discussion about erectile dysfunction, prostate, and irritable bowel syndrome and capitalized in a novel and original way. A potentially contentious choice for number two on the list, but its comedic subtlety made it a total sleeper hit, true J-Borhood style.
1. Snickers – Brokeback Mechanics
The fact that this ad has already been pulled from television says enough. It’s edgy, unsettling, and completely un-PC, but it took a giant risk and totally delivered. It has received media scrutiny and a large amount of public backlash, but it provides a raw hilarity that no other can commercial touched on Sunday. The J-Borhood Super Bowl party crowd broke into unparalleled levels of laughter during this spot. Love it or hate it. You can’t deny it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!
It's been more then ten months since the last Extravaganza! here in the J-Borhood and that is crazy, borderline dangerous. In fact if you've felt moody, depressed, irritable lately or suffered from insomnia, itching, burning, joint pain, syphilis or rectal bleeding recently I would attribute it to to a severe lack of Extravaganzas! in your life, for which I apologize. (Actually, if you've suffered any of the aforementioned symptoms I would attribute it to depression, poison oak, arthritis, or sexual promiscuity and recommend seeking professional medical assitance, but stay with me for humor's sake.) For those of you who are new to the J-Borhood, you may not understand the importance of an Extravaganza! An Extravaganza! takes an ordinary event -- or in my case an extraordinary event -- and instantly makes it special. Memorable. Nigh historical. I've been to shindigs, events, ordeals, hooplas, hootenannies, and hoe downs and none of them come close to the all encompassing excitement of an Extravaganza! Maybe it's the capitalized e and the exclamation point, but something about an Extravaganza! transcends normalcy and instantly catapults you into the realm of epic.
Don't believe me? Let's take a look at an example.
I made a number of banners, which commemorate the Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! (That name is ridiculously long, but A.J.S.B.P.E sounds stupid). For the sake of discussion, I renamed the event on certain banners to test the effect of different event names.
Example 1: No name
BORING. As you can see, the lack of a name really hinders this banner. It's plain and ugly. Certainly not something any of our illustrious readers would ever attend voluntarily.
Example 2: Celebration
Certainly an improvement over the non-named event, but still a little bourgeois. It lacks the panache of an "ordeal", "par-tay" or "happenstance".
Example 3: Fiesta
We're getting somewhere. I have a strange desire to yell Ole!, but it's still a little weird
Example 4: Extravaganza!
Bingo. It's classy, stylish and exciting. Truly J-Borhood-esque.
Now do you see? An Extravaganza! is truly a peerless event. If we can't celebrate an Extravaganza! every six months or less, then what's the point of the J-Borhood? I'm somewhat embarrassed that it has been that long since we've all Extravaganzaed together, so let's not waste any more time. Sit back, relax, grab an ice cold beer, glass of wine, shot of whiskey, Oakland Martini, or all of the above and let's start Extravaganzizing!
Super Bowl Humor
Q: What do you call 10 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys and 10 girls sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A great Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys, 25 girls, 3 strippers, 2 kegs, 8 bottle of Jack Daniels and a sheep sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: The J-Borhood Super Bowl Party (An Extravaganza! is an acceptable answer)
Q: What do you call 52 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
Q: What's the difference between the Indianapolis Colts and a Dollar Bill?
A: The dollar is good for 4 Quarters!
It's not exactly a joke, but this account of Bears linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer's run in with a European reporter is classic unintentional comedy. Read the account here.
Postulation, Pondering and Prognostication or "How I vainly attempted to set aside my blinding favoritism and objectively analyze the game."
This year brings us Super Bowl XLI (or Super Bowl 41 for those of you aren't familiar with the Romans), which I view as a another missed opportunity for all malt liquor manufacturers. After missing last year's slam dunk opportunity to roll out commemorative Super Bowl 40's for Super Bowl 40, I thought the World's producers of fine malt beverages would see the error of their ways and roll out the special edition 41 ounce bottles in time for Super Bowl 41. (Like you wouldn't buy one?) I've written to Anheuser-Busch -- the hardest Brewery to spell in the world. Anheuser's ego be damned, just change your name to Busch Breweries already -- two years in a row, but both times they've told me that they do all their marketing work in house and do not listen to outside input, "no matter how brilliant". (Ok, I made that last part up.) Sadly, malt liquor marketing departments are run by plodding, unimaginative dolts who lack the basic creativity of John Shoop. (I apologize. For the most part, I try to avoid obscure sports references here on the J-Borhood to prevent myself from alienating the vast majority of readers, who have better things to do then analyze the average passing efficiency of Detroit Lions back-up quarterbacks in the 70's. However, in this case, I couldn't help taking a verbal salvo at the worst offensive coordinator in Bears history. John Shoop led an offense that consisted of two plays: Run up the middle and 3 yard pass. He was terrible. Anyhow, sorry for wasting your time to make a joke that two people -- myself included -- enjoyed. For those of you still reading -- really? no one? -- we now return to our regularly schedule reading.)
Missed marketing opportunities aside, the real focus of this week is a classic match up between the Unstoppable Force (Indianapolis Colts) and the Immovable Object (Chicago Bears). The old adage holds that "Defense Wins Championships", but most experts believe that the Colts should easily dispatch the Bears. The prevailing opinion is that the disparity between Payton Manning's laser rocket arm and Rex "Hide the Women and Children" Grossman will ultimately be too much for the Bears to overcome. Truth be told, I'm not sure what to think. My opinion about this game has vacillated more then John Kerry's political positions. On one hand, I think the sheer athleticism and uncanny discipline of the Bears defense could help them rattle and confuse Payton Manning. On the other hand, the Colts offense is an absolute juggernaut and Payton Manning could have a Hall-of-Fame type game as the Colts on a steamroll the Bears. As my younger brother said, "If the Colts can pick off Grossman before the Bears get a first down, game over, but if the Bears score first, game over." Bottom line: There are too many variables in this game. In situations such as these, I'm forced to resort to my inner Jack Bauer: When in doubt, cut somebody's arm off. No, wait. That's a little drastic. Maybe I should break down the game a little more. (I gotta stop watching 24 or someone is going to get hurt!)
Super Bowl XLI: The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
The media -- as those pesky medias tend to do -- has oversimplified this game. They have characterized it as a match up between the two quarterbacks, Payton Manning vs. Rex Grossman. Often time that makes sense, because of the importance of a Quarterback to his football team. In this case, however, it obfuscates other equally important aspects of this football game. The Bears did not get to the Super Bowl because Rex "OMG! WTF!" Grossman is a great Quarterback. (Hint: He's not.) They got to this point because they have the most well rounded football team in the NFL. They have a superb running game, an amazing defense, a Pro Bowl kicker, the best coverage units in the NFL, and the most exciting return man in NFL history. The Bears can score on offense, defense and special teams, which makes them extremely dangerous and difficult to defend. As they have repeatedly shown, Rex Grossman does not have to have an amazing game for the Bears to win.
But the Colts are dangerous. VERY dangerous. They have incredible team speed, which allows them to get receivers open, spread the field for their running game, and allows their undersized defense to swarm to the ball. The teams that have beat the Colts have been able to neutralize their speed with a combination of power running, physical defenses, and -- the X-factor -- natural grass. That's right, natural grass. All of the Colts losses came on the road, against teams -- Dallas, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston -- whose stadiums feature natural grass. What, pray tell, is the surface at Dolphin Stadium in Miami? None other then natural grass. The Colts offense is precision and speed based. Even their new found running game relies heavily on spread sets and stretch plays, designed to spread out the defense and find creases on the outside. The Colts dangerous pass rushers rely on their speed to attack slower, stronger offensive lineman. On the season the Colts had 25 sacks. In their four losses on natural grass, they had 2. That includes one game against the-human-sack-machine David Carr, who's been sacked over 100 times in the past two years! On turf their team flies all over the field. On grass they can be overpowered.
The "experts" say that the Bears won't be able to keep up with Payton Manning and the Colts offense. These same "experts" seem to forget that the Colts and the Bears both averaged the same number of points (26.7 per game) in the regular season. The Colts scored more with their offense, whereas the Bears relied on their defense and special teams to make up the difference. At the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling that this Super Bowl reminds me of 2002, when a ragtag group of scrappy upstarts disrupted a flashy offensive juggernaut with a physical, disciplined defense and smart, conservative offensive football.
Two weeks ago I announced that the Patriots were the new Yankees. I'm here to announce that the Chicago Bears are the new Patriots.
Bears win on a Robbie Gould field goal as time expires: Bears 27, Colts 24.
GO BEARS!
Friday, January 26, 2007
A Celebration of Sexy
While the rest of the sports world focuses on the NFL Conference Championship games and the upcoming Super Bowl, I’m going to break the trend and discuss the most exciting sports topic to hit the scene in years: The Australian Open.
Ok, now that you’ve stopped laughing (or crying), let’s talk some football…
After Rex Grossman turned the ball over four times in a loss to the New England Patriots, Lovie Smith responded to media criticism of Rex by simply saying “Rex is our quarterback…We’re 9-2 with Rex leading our football team.” After Rex Grossman turned the ball over four times in an uninspiring win over the Vikings, Lovie Smith was repeatedly pestered about a quarterback change by the media. He succinctly responded, “Rex is our quarterback…we’re 10-2 with Rex.”
Bears struggle to beat doormat Tampa Bay: Rex is our quarterback. We’re 11-2 with Rex.
Bears lose to Green Bay in the season finale: Rex is our quarterback. We’re 13-3 with Rex.
And on and on it goes…
As the fans and the media cried out for a mutiny, Lovie Smith remained confident in the mercurial – heck to say Grossman is mercurial is an insult to mercurial. We need a revised volatility scale to adequately describe Rex. I think it should go Mercurial, Erratic, Volatile, and finally, Grossmanial – but talented Grossman. Even as I felt myself compelled to doubt Lovie, I felt that I truly understood his decision and think it is one to which all of us can relate:
Rex Grossman is just like your super drunk friend.
You all know who I’m talking about. The guy who’s either the life of the party or starting a fight with the group of big guys at a club when he’s too drunk to stand. You love the guy, because he morphs into the ultimate party stud, but you’re always worried that he’s going to fire off eight too many Vodka shots and wind up sprawled on the center of the dance floor. He’s a great guy, but you never know which guy’s going to come out: the party stud who’s quick firing rounds of Jager shots and bringing scores of hot girls to your table, or the guy who ends up vomiting on himself in the bathroom while ripping the sink off the wall. Everybody loves the guy, but you’re just a little nervous about bringing him to formal functions. Now, with the Bears headed to the Super Bowl, critics continue to pile on Rex. Some even suggest that Rex is “the worst quarterback to ever play in a Super Bowl”. But he’s not, he’s just your super drunk friend. And with that in mind, what do I have to say to the doubters who say the Bears can’t win the Super Bowl with Rex Grossman?
Rex is our quarterback. We’re 15-3 with Rex.
Championship Weekend Thoughts…
Bears vs. Saints
Does it get any sweeter for Rex Grossman, then sharing a knowing smile with 4-time Super Bowl winner Terry Bradshaw as he talks about the screaming fans? “Listen to them,” Bradshaw said. “The're loving you now!"
Reggie Bush effectively ended this game with that stupid, stupid finger wag at Brian Urlacher en route to his 88 yard touchdown catch. After that point, Bears 23 – Saints 0.
After the game Bush had this to say about his immature celebration. "I know I made a mistake. I apologized to my coach and my teammates," Bush said. "But I'm not going to kill myself over it." Don't worry Reggie, Urlacher will handle that for you.
.
In classic Urlacher form, Brian offered this glib gem when asked what he thought about Bush’s actions. "I think we're going to the Super Bowl."
I also couldn’t help but laugh when Urlacher was asked “How fast is Reggie Bush.” He donned his quintessential Urlacher scowl and said “He’s fast. Not fast enough.”
Say what you want about Rex Grossman, but he went 4/4 as he led the Bears on an 85 yard drive, in which he completed passes of 12, 13, 20 and 33 yards.
Sunday’s game was like a “Best of Grossman” game. We got to see Bad Rex (QB Rating of 39.9 in the first half) and Good Rex (QB Rating of 105.4 in the second half). Are we sure he doesn’t have multiple personalities disorder?
Lovie Smith, master of perspective: “I'd feel even better to be the first African American coach to hold up the Super Bowl trophy”
After the game, Senator Barrack Obama summed up exactly why I respect Lovie so much and why he’ll be getting my vote for Presdient. “Obviously, to see two African-American coaches go to the Super Bowl…is terrific. But you know what makes it even better is that they are both men of humility, they are both men of God…It is a wonderful story, not just for African-Americans but for all Americans to see men like that who are good fathers, who are good leaders, who do things the right way, succeed."
The NFL recently decided to make hovering a penaltyBernard Berrian can fly. Literally.
After last season’s bitter playoff loss to Carolina, where the Bears failed to adjust their defense to stop Steve Smith, I have held the belief that our coaching staff was incapable of making good half-time adjustments. After watching the Bears absolutely dominate the Saints after giving up two long touchdown drives, I’m here to say mea culpa.
Here to further that point is Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera: "We said we first had to identify the positions [Bush] was in, who he was in the game with and where he was aligned.” Ok, the Bears can make adjustments.
And you thought you and your friends were excited after the Bears won? Charles Tillman had 23 Text Messages and 17 missed calls after the game.
Don’t believe that the Bears are the most well rounded team (Offense, Defense, Special Teams) in the NFL? You might want to take that up with Brad Maynard, whose seven punts boomed for a 47.4-yard average, including three inside the 20.
I don’t know why the NFL insists on only staging the Super Bowl in warm weather climates. The snow added an almost magic quality to the game. Truly football, as it was meant to be played.
Colts vs. Patriots
I hate to say I told you so – Who am I kidding? I love saying that – but the AFC Championship game was freakishly similar to my prediction. In fact, the game was a near mirror image of the Yankees-Red Sox series in 2004. The long standing favorite (Patriots / Yankees) got out to an incredible lead (21-3 / 3 games to 0) against their bitter rival (Colts / Red Sox), only to watch hopelessly as their rival made a historic comeback to win (Overcoming 18 point deficit / Overcoming 3-0 series lead). After Asante Samuel picked off Payton Manning for a touchdown, one of my good friends, who is a die-hard Colts fan, couldn’t watch any more and went outside. When the Colts kicked the field goal at halftime to close to within 21-6, I was able to convince them to come back inside by assuring them that the Colts we’re about to repeat history and stage a historic comeback.
I know Tom Brady gets a free pass for his three Super Bowl rings, but if Manning and thrown that interception at the end of the game, we’d all be calling him a choke artist.
Manning displayed a new face!
Why don’t people like the Patriots? Maybe it has something to do with the classy way that Bill Belicheck blew off Payton Manning after the game and refused to credit him for his performance in the post-game press conference.
I know that LaDanian Tomlinson thought that the Patriots displayed a lack of class when they celebrated on the San Diego logo after their defeat of the Chargers, but I thought that the Patriots showed a lot of class by not crying on the Colts logo after the loss.
Going in to this game, what were the chances that Patriots and Colts lineman outscored the entire Saints team? (21-14)
Either Reche Caldwell has a thyroid problem or someone needs to switch to decaf.
Since my parents are Hawkeye Alumni, I am obligated to point out that the two biggest non-Payton threats on the Colts vs. Patriots were graduates of the University of Iowa. Big Hawkeye salute to Dallas Clark and Bob Sanders.
Now where is that Adam's apple?Say what you want about Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings, calmness under pressure, and Hollywood dating credentials, but Gisele is a MAN, baby!
Say want you want about the infallible Patriots front office, but Deion Branch would have caught those two dropped passes and the Patriots would have been in the Super Bowl.
We need a name for this instant classic victory. The 49ers' 28-27 win over the Cowboys was dubbed “The Catch”, the Broncos' 23-20 overtime win over the Browns in 1986 gave us “The Drive”, maybe one day, we’ll refer to this ultimate comeback as “the Heimlich”.
Touching Payton Manning’s helmet is what constitutes roughing the passer these days? What’s next, illegal glaring?
Random Thoughts
Not only do we now have two African American coaches in the Super Bowl, but both of them thoroughly out-coached their Caucasian counterparts.
Feeling like an idiot that his never occurred to me, but Brick from Anchorman is thusly named for being “dumb as a brick”.
Happy 19th Birthday Greg Oden. In the words of Tony Kornheiser: “Greg Oden has just gone from the oldest looking 18 year old to the oldest looking 19 year old.”
Congratulations, Jonathan Joseph! You’re the ninth member of the Bengals to get arrested in as many months. Let’s see if we can make it an easy 10 out of 10.
Seriously, 9 out of 52 members of the Bengals were arrested this year? If that happened at my job, it would be the equivalent of 260 out of 1500 bank employee getting arrested in the past nine months.
Apparently, Bill Belicheck learned his class from Bill Parcells, who decided to steal the headlines from the deserving Colts and Bears by announcing his retirement the day after the championship games. Good riddance.
Microsoft just announced that LeBron James will became the first basketball player to promote a Microsoft product, the upcoming Windows Vista. Microsoft felt this was a perfect match because both are largely over-hyped products that will score points with style, but won’t defend you from any threats.
Most recent sign of the Apocalypse for the Raiders: Even I turned down the Raiders Head Coaching job.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
The New Yankees
DISCLAIMER: For the first time in my fledgling Journalism endeavor, I’ve been scooped. The Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, just posted his weekly article on ESPN.com discussing the exact same story I’ve been working on this week. I got the idea on Thursday while reading the comments of Patriot fans on an Sports Illustrated Football Blog (See the story here), but before I had a chance to finish and post my story, Simmons rode in to steal my thunder. Unfortunately, I only told my idea to two people, my wife and my buddy, fellow Chicago sports enthusiast Matt Kolsky (who writes an NBA blog and publishes a weekly podcast, both of which rock), so aside from the testimony of my friends and the created date of the Microsoft Word document I used to write the story, I have no admissible evidence validating the originality of my idea. You will have to take my word that I came up with the idea independent of my favorite sports columnist, but I know how suspicious that sounds. I decided not to read Simmons’s work before finishing my own article, so hopefully we’ll approach the subject from two different angles and my work won’t seem derivative. Now, without further ado, let’s get it on!
Everyone hates Yankee fans.
Scratch that. Everyone used to hate Yankee Fans.
Chicks dig the long ball? I thought chicks dug the post-season strikeout?Because history is repeating itself.
The modern NFL is supposed to be dynasty proof. The salary cap and revenue sharing are designed to hinder any team from stockpiling excessive talent and winning year after year. Yet, somehow the New England Patriots, behind their slovenly football savant, Bill Belicheck, and confident trigger man, Tom Brady, have won three of the last five Super Bowls and are on the verge of winning another this year. During this time, they have transformed from loveable underdogs to the team that everyone loves to hate. Whether it’s Tom Brady up at a podium smiling like he just slept with your daughter, talking about how he doesn’t get any respect – Tom, if you got any more respect you’d be the Godfather – or Bill Belicheck making off hand comments about his genius – Seriously, can we as a country stop our cavalier usage of genius? Bill Belicheck is not a genius. Karl Rove is not a genius. Shakespeare was a genius. Einstein was a genius.
Guinness Draught in a bottle? BRILLIANT!“Here it is plain and simple: Who has the superbowl rings? BRADY, 3 to be exact.
Enough Said. Pats WIN!!!”
“Someone would have to be an idiot to bet against Tom Brady in a playoff game no matter where it's played.”
“Pats could beat the Colts on the Moon if it was a playoff game. Dungy/Manning VS. Belichick/Brady - Nuff said...”
“It's hard to play quarterback with both hands wrapped around your throat. Here's a guarantee, Colts fans: Peyton will choke. Like he always does. That overrides everything else.”
Rather then argue about football, they just point to their previous championships. No logic. No debate. They’re just going to win because they always win. Now as a logical man, I’ll be the first to admit that history is a good indicator of the future, but as any investor will tell you history is no guarantee of future performance. Michael Jordan broke up the Pistons dynasty, the Red Sox broke up the Yankees dynasty, market forces burst the dot com bubble and this Sunday, Payton Manning and the Colts are going to tear down the wall of the Patriots dominance. Then on Monday, Patriot fans will wake up and realize that they’ve become the very thing they hate the most and swore to never become, but by then it will be too late.
Say hello to the New Yankees.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
A Year in Review
As 2006 comes to a close and we usher in the year of James Bond (2-007), I wanted to take a look back at the year in sports and hand out some awards to the teams, athletes and moments for which 2006 will always be remembered. Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present the first annual J-Borhood Golden Pineapple Awards.
(Note: The more I think about it, the more I think “Golden Pineapple Award” sounds kind of sissy; like a mango infused piña colada served in a hollowed out pineapple or something. With that in mind, I’ll buy a drink – think top shelf, people – for the person who can come up with the best name for the Annual J-Borhood awards.)
Sack of Hammers Award: Charlie Casserly, ex-GM of the Houston Texans
The ignoble Sack of Hammers Award is presented to the sports figure who best personifies the phrase, “dumb as a sack of hammers”.
Sam Bowie's career was as long as his shorts...The Bare Kunckle Award: Zinedine Zidane, French National Soccer Team
The Bare Knuckle Award is presented to the sports figure who delivered the best knockout blow of the year.
I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about my mother like thatThe Fluke Victory Award: St. Louis Cardinals, for winning the World Series
The Fluke Victory Award goes to the sports figure or team that wins has the biggest fluke win or season of the year .
The Oh S*** Award: - Kobe Bryant scoring 81 points against the Raptors
The Oh S*** Award goes to the sports figure most responsible for regressing the world’s vocabulary to two words…
Mamba is a bad mother...watch your mouthClench Your Butt Cheeks Award: Barbaro, for breaking his leg in the Preakness
The Clench Your Butt Cheeks Award goes to the sports figure who suffers the most shocking and bizarre injury of the year.
Homer Award: Devin Hester, Colt Brennan (tie)
The Homer Award goes to the sports figure on whom I have the biggest man crush.
What does Devin's front look like? The world may never know.Cinderella Award: George Mason
The Cinderella Award goes to the sports figure who shocks the world and wins one for the little guy.
Millions of bracket owners were not quite as happyFirst off, the President of GMU placed a full page ad in the Boise newspaper, wishing Boise State luck and imploring them to carry the banner of the underdog proudly in their BCS bowl game against Oklahoma. Needless to say Boise State cashed in on this much needed luck by converting on 4th and 18 with a hook and ladder play and then scoring a two point conversion on the Statue of Liberty play. Next, by knocking off Connecticut, George Mason paved the way for Florida to win the National Championship. In their victory speech the Florida players announced that they would forgo the NBA draft to comeback and defend their title and urged the football team to win the national title. Flash forward nine months and the Gators rode this wave of pride to an overwhelming victory over season long #1 Ohio State to become the first ever University to hold the National Basketball and Football championships at the same time. And to think, Boise and Florida have George Mason to thank. Who knew?
The J-Borhood extends a hearty congratulations to tiny GMU for shaking up the national landscape in not only basketball, but football as well. Truly a Cinderella story.
J-Borhood Athlete of the Year: Vince Young
Vince celebrates winning J-Borhood Athlete of the YearHe started the year by single handedly beating USC, a team that people were tabbing as the greatest college football team of all-time, by passing for 267 and rushing for 200 yards, including the game winning scramble on 4th down to secure the national championship for the University of Texas. To put those numbers in perspective, I spent the entirety of 2006 playing NCAA Football on my Playstation 2 and I still haven’t duplicated them. What’s even crazier, is that the numbers don’t tell the whole story. Vince put on a transcendent performance that has to be seen to be believed. He was literally unstoppable and left the entire nation breathless.
Somehow, between that game and the NFL draft, people started to forget about how Vince Young took a nation’s breath away and started to focus on unfair comparisons to Michael Vick, a low Wonderlick score and the silly notion that his game wouldn’t translate in the NFL. I know because I was one of those people. And boy, do I feel stupid.
Vince Young took over an 0-3 Tennessee Titans team, which NFL pundits left for dead, and led them on a stretch of 6 straight wins and within a game of making the playoffs the playoffs. Along the way he continued to display his amazing elusiveness and never ending will to win. He led a 4th quarter comeback against Payton Manning and the Colts, staged the largest 4th quarter comeback in franchise history with a 24 points against the Giants, and ran for a 39 yard touchdown in overtime to seal a win against his hometown Houston Texans, who bypassed him in the draft. Throughout this incredible season, critics continued to issue Vince backhanded compliments saying “Vince Young just wins football games”, as if he lacked the necessary skills but somehow found a way to win. Well I’ll say it right here, once and for all. If someone can find me a more important skill for an NFL Quarterback then the ability to win football games, I’m all ears.
Keep it up Vince. The J-Borhood will be watching.
Well everyone, it’s been a wonderful first year in the J-Borhood and I’m excited to keep things rolling into the New Year. Make sure to let me know if I missed any awards!
Finally, mahalo for your continued support of my wild ramblings. Here’s a few quick thoughts to tide you over:
- Let’s review Barry Bonds mentality in the face of his failed amphetamine test, which he blamed on a substance he took from teammate Mark Sweeney’s locker. He’s vehemently anti-performance enhancing drugs, but pro-lying, pro-stealing and all for dragging a teammate through the mud. Nice work, Barry.
- After the Sixers decided to buy out the remaining 43 million of his contract, Chris Webber has declared that he wants to sign with the Heat, Pistons, Lakers, Mavs or Spurs. What a coincidence Chris, so do I.
- Quips from my brother while watching the Budweiser Sponsored aerial coverage of the National Championship game: “Why do we need aerial coverage? The game is in a dome!”
- Further quip from an unnamed hyperbole prone friend at the game, after watching Troy Smith slide to avoid a hit. “I hate Quarterback’s that slide more then anything in the world.” Anything, I asked. “Yep. Genocide in Sudan? Secondary to Quarterback’s that slide.”
- With all due respect to Justin Timberlake, I brought sexy back a long time ago.