JBorhood Oscar Recap 2009

As always is the case at this time of year, you're sick of reading about football and I'm sick of writing about football. So allow me to blast through my post-Super Bowl Breakdown in record time...

• The better team won
• Even though he lost Kurt Warner, solidified his qualitications for the Hall-of-Fame.
• Larry Fitzgerald joined Jerry Rice in the Pantheon of unstoppable big game wide receivers.
• Ben Roethlesburger proved that you don't have to be a great quarterback to be a great quarterback.

That's it. Seriously. Did you really want me to waste 3000 words of your and my time to say that?

Now that we've covered the important stuff, let's take some time and recap my favorite trivial, overblown, and pretentious (hey, sounds alot like me) celebration of the year... The Oscars

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Are we entirely sure that Mickey Rourke didn't spend the previous night in a cardboard box on Hollywood Boulevard?

Speaking of Micky Rourke, we really need to come up with an Oscars drinking game. I know that people post variations every year, but I think we can do better. Please leave any suggestions in the comments.

My wife would like to extend a heartfelt 'Thank You' to Hugh Jackman for appearing at the Oscars clean shaven. Similarly, she would like to extend a big 'F-U' to Adrian Brody for giving Mickey Rourke a run for his money at the best non-intentional Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman impression.

When did Anjelica Huston turn into a transvestite? (I'd say the same thing about Sarah Jessica Parker, but she's been one for a long time.)

French Animated Short Film + Academy Award + Japanese Director + Language Barrier = Best Oscar Speech Ever.


Maybe it's because the movies were more artsy and less publicized then usual, maybe it's because I now look after a nine month old terradactyl with the attention span of a crack addicted ferret on Red Bull, but I've only seen two -- that's right, two -- movies nominated for Oscars this year, and those involved Batman and Tom Cruise in a fat suit.

Someone really needs to tell Robert Pattinson that they stopped filming Twilight a year ago and that he's not actually a vampire.
http://www.mtv.com/photos/robert-pattinsons-oscar-night/1605576/3620957/photo.jhtml

If someone punches Zac Effron in the face, I'll give them twenty bucks.

Ben Stiller is the Larry Fitzgerald of comedy. Put him on a big stage and he delivers, every time. (He gets bonus points in my book for knowing when the joke was over and reading the nominees names seriously.)


Watching the acceptance speeches for the Art Direction and Make-Up Oscars is like watching 5-year olds play soccer; Almost always boring and rarely memorable, but when it is, it's one of the funniest things in the world.

Glad to know that, in case the mood strikes, I can safely drive a Monster Truck over my May Tag washer. In the past, I've never considered the aftermath of a potential Monster Truck attack when purchasing major appliances.

I still can't believe Alan Arkin won an Oscar for playing Alan Arkin in a bland, depressing, un-funny comedy.

I have no idea who he is, but judging from his appearnce, Michael Shannon is either an actor or a pedophile.
http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggjiYdktHPC51HwuV2hzUllQ---y626-x495-q75-n0/omg/us/img/ee/62/1381217624_1461964349.jpg

How long do you think Heath Ledger's family could have spoken before the exit music started playing? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? An hour? If they were still talking would we know won Best Picture yet?

Can someone tell Bill Maher that his movie was NOT nominated. We get it Bill. You made a controversial film. No one came. No one cares. Let it go.

The creators of the Best Documentary Short Subject winner, Smile Pinki, need to create a sequel for Best Documentary Feature nominee co-writer called 'Smile Phrasavath'.
http://fresnofilmworks.org/img_fest08/biopics/phrasavath.jpg
(The joke takes waaaaaaay to much set-up to work in print, but trust me, in context it was really funny...)

Hats off to Will Smith for stating the obvious: WHY DON'T THE OSCARS RECOGNIZE MOVIE'S THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH. I'm not advocating the bastardization of our cinematic culture, but would it hurt them to create separate categories for Excellence in Action and Comedic performances?

I invoke the China Principal to back-up my assertion that 'The Dark Knight' should have been nominated for Best Picture because, seriously, a billion dollars can't be wrong?
(Props to JBor Holensdale for providing the inspiration for that joke earlier in the week. Take note fellow JBors, you make quippy comments, you get recognized. Hollah!)

How do they pick the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing Oscars? Out of a hat?

Did Jerry Lewis try to sneak a kiss from Eddie Murphy?

WTF?!!?!? Did anyone see the commecial for the Rhumatoid Arthritis drug, Orencia? It starts off well, explaing how it can releive the minor aches of arthritis and then, somewhere around the :28 mark, they start listing the side effects and all hell breaks lose.

• Do not take Orencia with other RA medicines due to risk of SERIOUS INFECTIONS
• Orencia can cause SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS, including SERIOUS INFECTIONS
• Cases of RARE CANCER have been reported
• Tell your doctor if you have an infection or an OPEN SORE
  
• Orencia may cause SERIOUS LUNG DISEASE

Let's get this straight. A medicine designed to relieve minor pain can cause SERIOUS INFECTION or lung disease? I'll take the arthritis, thank you very much.


If I ever buy a pornographic book on tape, I want Alicia Keys to narrate it. Good lord.

The film from Japan wins the Best Foreign Film Oscar and I'm thinking to myself, "Can this guy possibly give a repeat performance of the Mr. Roboto guy?", AND THEN HE DOES! We need to create a best Asian Language Film Oscar to ensure that we keep this going.

Bravo, Danny Boyle. If you win an Oscar and remember to hop like Tigger for your kids, you're a great father in my book.

Sophia Loren has finally gotten old and creepy enough that I wouldn't sleep with her. (Meryl Streep on the other hand...)

Kate Winslet gave a masters course in How-to-Give-an-Oscars-Speech. Start with a joke? Check. Thank your parents? Check. Thank Husband and Kids? Check. Thank other nominees? Check. Memorable line ("It's not a shampoo bottle anymore!")? Check. She should get a second Oscar for that speech.

For the record, if I was sleeping with Robin Wright-Penn, I wouldn't forget to thank her when I gave an Oscar acceptance speech.

Thank you to the Academy for not giving the Best Picture Oscar to 'Benjamin Button' and ruining the Oscars.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to give a big JBorhood salute to Heath Ledger, who deserved to win the Oscar whether he died or not. In his honor, I will refrain from making any Gay Cowboy jokes. Oh come on, guys. Why so serious?

J-Borhood Oscar Recap 2008

You’re sick of reading about football and I’m sick of writing about football. To make sure you don't bludgeon yourself (or me, well, mainly me) to death with a fantasy football guide, I want to take a one week football hiatus before discussing Colt Brennan’s performance at the NFL Combine and gab (and alliterate) about the grandiose gala of glitz: The Oscars.

So, lean back, put on your coolest pair of Jack Nicholson sunglasses and enjoy the show.

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New Oscars. New sunglasses. Same pimptastic Jack Nicholson.

And the winner for best speech of the night goes to… Best Costume Design winner, Alexandra Byrne. She thanked three people, her team and her family in less than 15 seconds. Alexandra, we don’t know you, we don’t care. Thank you for understanding.

Technically, it wasn’t at the Oscars, but Heather Locklear looked stunning in that L’Oreal commercial. Are we entirely sure that she’s aging? Isn’t she like 85? Maybe it’s time to invest in L’Oreal…

Let me get this straight. Brad Bird, the writer of Ratatouille, has two Oscars and Johnny Depp has zero? Seriously, do the winners of all the minor awards still get the same respect as the legitimate Oscar winners? Do they still get invited to the after parties? I picture them standing around outside a liquor store like Seth, Evan and Fogell, talking about trying to pick up chicks with their Oscars and debating whether their McLovin fake ID will work.

Did anyone else think Katherine Heigl was about to cry out of sheer terror when she was presenting her Oscar?

Could Amy Adams (Giselle from Enchanted) have been any more embarrassed singing the “Happy Working Song”? As she expounded on “cleaning the toilet” and “stinky socks” in a sing-song voice that sounded like she was talking to 12 year olds with corresponding hand motions that were somehow more embarrassing (if that’s even possible), the Editor-in-Chief shook her head and said, “that poor woman.”

Watching the mind-numbingly hot Catherine Zeta-Jones talk about sharing her Oscar with husband Michael Douglas was touching. Certainly put a damper on my plans to break up their marriage.

If the Super Bowl is the pinnacle of advertising, I think the Oscars are where ads go to die. I was one melodramatic, overly artistic credit card ad away from setting myself on fire.

Watching Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood, winners of the Oscar for best Visual Effects, jump around and unleash visceral screams on stage further convinced me that techies should never, under any circumstances be allowed on television.

For his sake, I hope Casey Affleck is talented. He is one ugly Affleck.
Nice to know a few things about Javier Bardem

1. He doesn’t always sport that haircut
2. He doesn’t always talk in that creepy guttural drawl
3. He occasionally leaves the pressure gun at home

When Jon Stewart announced that “Oscar Nominee” Owen Wilson was presenting an award, my only thought was, “Owen Wilson was nominated for an Academy Award??!?!?!?!”

Raise your hand if you want to see Jerry Seinfeld promote that god-awful Bee Movie ever again. You can put your hand down, Mr. Seinfeld.

Just for once, I want someone to say in their acceptance speech, “I am thankful for me! This is for me and ONLY ME. No one helped me get here, so screw all of you.”
I’m sorry that I can’t let this go, but one year later I still can’t believe that Alan Arkin won the Best Supporting Actor award for his role in Little Miss Sunshine. I feel like I’m all alone here, but I do not see what was so special about that movie. It was a comedy THAT WASN’T FUNNY.

It takes a lot to make George Clooney blush, but when Tilda Swinton talked about him wearing the Batman suit with built-in nipples, he turned about eight shades of maroon.

Speaking of Swinton, I can’t think of a joke that is funnier or more horrifying then her dress and make-up free alien face.

For the record, Seth Rogan does make a better Halle Berry.

I think someone forgot to tell Viggo Mortenson that he did not have to come dressed in character. That said, it was a pretty sweet beard…

Perhaps Three 6 Mafia winning the 2006 Academy Award for Best Song was the sign of the apocalypse. I can find no other explanation for how utterly terrible the nominees for Best Song were this year. Are we entirely sure they didn’t switch gears this year and award the Worst Song from a Motion Picture?

Two reactions to Chris Rouse winning the award for Best Editing and saying, “My father won an Academy Award. Thank you for putting me in his company.”

• Editor-in-Chief (filled-with-choked-up-7-months-pregnant-emotion): “Awwww. That’s nice.”
• Me: “He can finally go over to Dad’s house without having that Oscar lorded over him.”

Are we entirely sure that Nicole Kidman isn’t a robot. (Take a look and then decide for yourself)

I felt like an asshole, but all I could think of when 98 year old, Lifetime Achievement Award recipient, Robert F. Boyle droned on into then twenty eighth minute of his speech was, “start the music, already!”

Cymbalta, an anti-depressant advertised during the Academy Awards, listed “suicidal thoughts” as one of its side effects. Call me crazy, but doesn’t that completely defeat the point of taking an anti-depressant?

Speaking of pill popping, what drugs did Harrison Ford take before getting on stage and is it possible to purchase those before lengthy flights? He looked like they just released him from the Carbonite in Return of the Jedi.

First thought that went through Diablo Cody’s mind after winning the award for Best Original Screenplay: “Oh my God! I can’t believe I won.”

Second thought that went through Diablo Cody’s mind after winning the award for Best Original Screenplay: “I REALLY regret wearing this dress.” Perhaps, the best way to get people to forget that you were an exotic dancer is to stop dressing like one.

So, is Diablo Cody her real name or her stripper name? If the answer is the former, her parents redefined self-fulfilling prophecy.

Daniel Day Lewis is a talented actor, but one weird looking dude.

Was it just me or did you have a hard time telling Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter apart in Sweeney Todd?

And the fakest comment of the night award goes to…No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin for exclaiming “this is a complete surprise,” upon receiving the award for Best Picture. Complete surprise to whom?

And finally, I think it’s safe to say that the Coens are more comfortable behind the camera then in front.

JBorhood Oscar Recap 2007

Can someone please tell me how Ellen DeGeneres is sleeping with Portia DeRossi? Is it her sense of humor? Her love of boxed Chardonnay? The fact those both of their names start with De. I mean, I’m funny, I like boxed wine and my last name starts with D’. Does that get me in the conversation?

I’m not entirely convinced that Peter O’Toole lived to watch the presentation of the Best Picture award.

I know she walked out with the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, but when did Nicole Kidman start looking like a bond girl? Congratulations to anyone who bet on Kidman getting the better of the Cruise-Kidman split.

Speaking of gambling, what are the odds that, 6 years after the 2000 Presidential Election, George Bush would be demonized world wide, while Al Gore would be cracking “My fellow American” jokes with Leonardo DiCaprio on stage at the Oscars, celebrating his Oscar winning documentary? 100,000:1? 1 million to 1? Hell, if Gore had showed a smidgeon of that charisma during his run for President he would have won by a landslide…

Personally, my favorite Al Gore moment was when the director of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ had Gore’s arm in a death grip after winning the Oscar for Best Documentary. For a second, I though Gore was going to punch him.

I said it last year and I have to say it again. Jack Nicholson is, hands down, the coolest man alive. And it’s not even close. He’s almost 70 years old and he came to Oscar’s rocking the exact same look as Djimon Honsou, down to the Persol shades and bald head. You’re making the JBorhood Hall of Fame proud Mr. Nicholson.

Did anyone else find it hysterical that Forest Whitaker used the EXACT framework for an Oscar acceptance speech that Ellen DeGeneres joked about to start the show? He started off saying he never thought he’d ever win (#1), talked about growing up in a car (#2), and coming from a famously underprivileged area (South Central LA, #3). Couldn’t have scripted it any better.

Speaking of Forest Whitaker, when I saw his clip I was blown away by his unbelievable acting job. When I saw his incredible facial expression, where he made his right eye twice as wide as his left, I figured he had to win. Then I saw him give his acceptance speech, and though to myself, oh…his right eye is twice as his left….My bad.

Watching Jada Pinkett and Will Smith light up when their son Jaden presented the awards for Best Short Films was wonderful. It is so nice to see a happy Hollywood family. It’s easy to look at the utter madness of the Brittany Spears and Jessica Simpsons of the world and forget about the families that actually make it work.. A special JBorhood salute to the Smith family.

1st thought when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Wow!
2nd though when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Is this really their full time job?

Is there anyway we can get Hollywood actors to deliver the acceptance speeches for non-acting winners? At this point, it would take a significant amount of evidence to convince me that Best Sound Editing winner, Alan Robert Murray is not a robot. For the love of God, it’s called inflection. Use it.

Are we entirely sure that Martin Scorsese and Dennis Hopper are different people?

Speaking of which, is Cameron Diaz trying to look like Maggie Gyllnhall or vice versa? Someone please tell me they share the same plastic surgeon.

Gotta say, it looked like Ben Affleck’s dog had just died. It’s called a smile, Ben. Use it.

Did William Monahan, the writer of ‘The Departed’ screenplay and Oscar winner, really say that he was inspired to become a screenwriter by ‘Lawrence of Arabia’? I watched that movie with my Mom over spring break when I was 5 year old. We didn’t finish until Easter. When I was 7.

Some helpful advice for Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. It’s called a fork. Use it occasionally.

Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, did her Oscar come with a complementary chin job?

Why is it that the winners of the Best Foreign Film always seem to go crazy on stage? Is this somehow related to why Mexican soccer announcers scream so much?

Eat your heart out Simon Cowell. Three years after he told Jennifer Hudson she’d “never make it in this industry”, she wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and then throws down an amazing performance on stage with Beyonce? Can we get a written apology?

Raise your hand if, five years ago, you thought think Jerry Seinfeld would become painfully unfunny while Dane Cook and Jim Gaffigan were selling out arenas across the country.

What do we have to do before we can get some sideline reporters at the Oscars?

I’m pretty sure Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife and her wife’s four kids at the Oscars and it didn’t seem weird at all. Furthermore, in the past month, an African American coach won the Super Bowl, a woman became the presidential favorite, and a lesbian hosted the Oscars. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there America.

Does the Academy keep Jodie Foster in a cryogenic chamber between awards shows? She looks about as old now as she did in Taxi Driver...

George Lucas’s hair looks like the love child of Don King’s fro and Donald Trump toupee.

Can someone please tell me why they give the Best Picture Oscar to the movie’s producer(s)? Seriously, if Scorsese hadn’t won Best Director I think he might have stabbed Graham King in the heart with the Best Picture award.

Last, but certainly not least, I cannot justifiably believe that ‘Babel’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ were better movies then ‘The Illusionist’. ‘Babel’ is a three hour kick in the stomach and ‘Sunshine’ is just a mildly funny, yet overly unimpressive look at the modern American family, yet ‘The Illusionist’ bowls over the audience with…oh, who am I kidding. I just love Jessica Biel.