I am unable to hate Aaron Rodgers (and I hate that)

I had a hangover on Monday, physically and mentally. Strangely, neither stemmed from frustration about the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl victory.

The physical hangover resulted from an ill-conceived science experiment. A couple friends brought over a soda making kit - a gas injection device that carbonates anything - and we collectively decided that 9 p.m. was the best time to test a recipe for sparkling long island iced-teas, in the interest science, of course. Because you know what a 12 ounce cup of gin, vodka, tequila, and rum needs? Increased drinkability. The plan was either a rousing success or an epic failure depending on whether you asked us last Sunday night or Monday morning.

The mental hangover was harder to wrap my hands around.

A Packers Super Bowl victory is as close as you can come to a sports apocalypse for me. I hate Green Bay. I hate everything about them. I hate the Lambeau Leap. I hate the green and yellow uniforms. I'd hate the stupid cheese hats even more if they didn't help me so easily identify people with whom I will never be friends. Green Bay practically ruined my entire football watching childhood and, consequently, I enjoy watching the Packers lose almost as much as I enjoy watching the Bears win. (Hey, when you're a Chicago sports fan, sometimes schadenfreude is all you got.)

Yet, in the aftermath of the Packers victory and Aaron Roders coronation as Super Bowl MVP and the-next-great-quarterback I felt strangely ambivalent. I even tried to cry, but it turns out poking yourself in the palm with a dinner fork doesn't bring up tears, just searing pain in your hand. Try as I might, I could not get the faintest bit upset over what should have been one of the more vomit inducing championship celebrations of my life.

Because, frankly, I respect this team.

I feel like Vince Vaughn at the end of Anchorman, "I hate you Green Bay Packers. I hate you. But [gosh darn it], do I respect you."

I respect Aaron Rodgers. I respect Charles Woodsen. I respect the way BJ Raji is a dead ringer for the lady who played Precious. I respect Green Bay's cadre of wide receivers. I respect the way they can dominate on offense without any semblance of a running game. I respect the 2010 Green Bay Packers.

I never respected Brett Favre during his heyday. Not ever. Not even a little. I grew a grudging respect for him - a quasi-Stockholm syndrome - at the tail end of his career, but only after he started handing out interceptions to Bears defensive backs like glazed doughnuts at a Krispy Kreme. But during his prime? Pure, unadulterated hatred.

Brett Favre was the embodiment of pure evil. I hated the way announcers euphemized his interceptions as "gunslinging". I even hated the way he pronounces his name. THE R COMES AFTER THE V, BRETT. YOUR NAME IS FAHV-REH. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THIS? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Aaron Rodgers is different. He has played so well and displayed such dignity, grace, and leadership in the process, that I'm forced to admit not only a completely un-begrudged respect, but also a bit of admiration. Aaron Rodgers is everything you want in an NFL quarterback and, even though I tried as I hard as I could to get upset, I was happy to see him revel in the much deserved post-Super Bowl celebration.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to whip up an extra large batch of sparkling long island iced teas and throw my laptop through a window.

Wooden Sharks and Lombardi Trophies

In 2001 my family and I traveled to Micronesia for a scuba diving vacation. To get from Hawaii to Micronesia you need to fly to Guam then take a short flight from Guam to your desired island. Pretty simple, except there are two vastly different ways to travel from Hawaii to Guam: a 7-hour direct flight to Guam International Airport or a 14-hour island hopping sojourn that stops at every borderline significant atoll large enough to warrant a 7-11 between Hawaii and the land of the brown tree snakes. (You can probably guess which flight we took.)

In our defense, we chose the island-hopper in large part because of my older brother's hyperbolic description of the Continental Airlines flying experience following his recent trip to New York:

Each seat has it's own TV with on demand movies and video games!!!

The lunch service makes Wolfgang Puck look like a hobo!!!

The flight attendants give out free pillows... and hand jobs!!!

The middle seats on the plane fold down, turning the cabin into a giant dance club with free champagne and a complimentary Puff Daddy performance!!!

None of us were huge Puff Daddy fans and free pillows are standard fare on airlines, but the allure of great food and non-stop on-demand movies and video games combined with the intrigue of stopping at various islands outweighed the additional seven hours of travel time and numerous take-offs and landings. Unfortunately, we were not aware that the island hopper used a smaller plane, which does not have individual TVs on each seat, and the constant take off and landings eliminate the need for substantive food service. Instead of a high-class non-stop dance party in the sky, we had 14 hours of Lifetime made for TV movies, cardboard flavored sandwiches befitting a vending machine, and small bags of Frito-Lays potato chips dating back to the mid-70s whose packages were mostly likely colored with lead-based paint. If the trip didn't kill us, the liver damage and kidney failure would. Awesome.

On the bright side, stopping at the individual islands provided an interesting glimpse into local culture and a great sense of the size and topography of the islands in the Western Pacific. I suppose that's like saying that the bright side to catching the flu is that you get to stay home and watch "The Price is Right" reruns in between bouts of vomiting and diarrhea; but after 14-hours on an airplane with only a few bits of cardboard, freeze dried turkey, potato chips and lead-based paint in your stomach, you start clinging to any ray of hope to delay cannibalism and outright anarchy.

After 12 hours of the Micronesian death march, when all hope seemed lost and we started openly debating the merits of eating my little brother, one stop made the entire trip worthwhile: Kosrae.

Kosrae is the final stop before Guam, a tiny, borderline insignificant island that wouldn't make anyone's list of Top 500 places to visit before you die. Tourists traveling to Micronesia go to Chuuk or Yap. No one visits Kosrae. There is nothing notable or interesting about the island except for one exceedingly cool local craft available for purchase in the airport: hand-carved wooden sharks. They range from one to three feet long, have exceptional detail, and real shark teeth, expertly affixed in the life-like jaw. They are the single coolest hand crafted item I have ever encountered in my travels and would look amazing sitting majestically atop my coffee table, boldly announcing to any that enter your home that you are a man who doesn't take any guff. You are an apex predator, a cold, icy killer with testicles anywhere from 25 to 200 percent larger than the average non-shark possessing male. Even better, the sharks weren't that expensive. They ranged in price from $20 for the smaller ones to $40 for the larger, more intricate carvings.

So, of course, we didn't buy one. We talked ourselves out of the purchase using contrived logic.

We don't want to carry it around in our luggage the entire trip

Only stupid tourists buy things in an airport

Clearly, they'll be available on the other islands

So, instead of plopping down $40 for a three foot long, gorgeous, hand-detailed Hammerhead shark, I kept my wallet in my pocket and got back on the plane. Worst. Decision. Ever. As we later learned, the wooden carvings are Kosrae's signature item and only available for purchase on the island.

I walked away from, hands-down, the most awesome, staggeringly bad-ass souvenir of my life because I didn't want to potentially regret spending an extra Hamilton. That is the reason why, ten years later, my coffee table lays bare instead of adorned by a fearsome virile totem to my masculinity. It is also why I am still so upset over the Chicago Bears losing the NFC Conference Championship game to the Packers this past Sunday.

Don't get me wrong. The Packers were a better, more talented football team and deserved to win the game. The Bears skirted through the season on luck, pluck, and verve, avoiding significant injury and seemingly catching every opponent at the best possible time. They played Detroit without their starting quarterback. Twice. They beat Green Bay by a field goal after the Packers committed 18,000 penalties. They beat a Dolphins team starting their third string quarterback, one so bad he was cut the previous year by Kansas City. They played Minnesota without Brett Favre. They clinched a first round bye after Green Bay lost to Detroit and Philadelphia lost to a Minnesota team led by Joe Webb (whose name I had to Google). In the first round of the playoffs, they got to play a 7-9, hide-the-women-and-children dumpster fire Seahawks team after Seattle miraculously upset the heavily favored Saints and Green Bay beat Philadelphia on the road. They caught every break all season long and their luck finally ran out at the worst possible time.

At the beginning of the season, I thought the Bears would be lucky to finish 7-9. They had no offensive line, no wide receivers, a secondary with more holes than a Michael Bay script, and a quarterback with a specialized ability to target perfectly thrown passes to the other team. After their miraculous 4-1 start, my Dad and I agreed that we would consider getting to the playoffs a wildly successful season. After they improbably clinched the division and an 11-5 record, we concurred that a single playoff victory would make the entire season worthwhile. We had no delusions of grandeur with this team. But, that's not how I feel today.

An NFL team only gets a few chances to win a Super Bowl. Just ask Peyton Manning, who's been to the playoffs eleven times and only has one Super Bowl to show for it. Or ask Tom Brady, who won three Super Bowls in first five seasons, but fell short the following six years. In fact, neither Manning's nor Brady's best team ('05 Colts, '07 Patriots) won the Lombardi Trophy.

Football is a bizarre game of chance and circumstance. A contest played by twenty-somethings with a ball that doesn't bounce straight. Crazy things happen and the best team doesn't always win. When you have a chance to win it all you need to capitalize and, despite their numerous flaws, the Bears had a fantastic opportunity to win the Super Bowl this year. They won in an unorthodox fashion - incredible special teams, opportunistic defense, and an offense that did just enough to keep Bears fans from vomiting in their mouths - but with a rock solid defense, a coaching staff that boasted four members with previous NFL head coaching experience, and only two games between them and immortality, the time was now.

Yes, Jay Cutler got injured. Yes, the defense gave up early momentum to the Packers. Yes, Todd Collins played so poorly as Cutler's replacement that they pulled him with 37 seconds remaining in the third quarter, even though it meant that if emergency back-up Caleb Hanie left the game the Bears would have to start Devin Hester at quarterback. Yes, the Bears probably didn't even deserve to be in the game in the first place. The fact remains, the Bears squandered a golden opportunity to win a Super Bowl and who knows when they'll have another chance to win it all. Dan Marino led the Dolphins to the Super Bowl his rookie year and, through the course of his Hall-of-Fame career, never made it back.

It doesn't matter whether you're the best team or the most deserving. It doesn't matter whether the breaks go your way. It doesn't matter whether you should be happy just to get as far you do. It doesn't matter whether some of your starting offensive linemen couldn't crack the starting line up for the local high school teams. It doesn't matter whether your back-up quarterback is appropriately named after an alcoholic beverage since he drives you to drink. At the end of the day, when you find yourself in the Kosrae Airport of football games, you better damn well buy the shark. Otherwise, a decade later, you could be left with an empty coffee table and an ocean of regret.

I'm pretty sure this Bears team will retool the offensive line, add some weapons to the receiving core, and return better than ever, primed for a Super Bowl run. But, I was pretty sure I could get a hand-carved wooden shark in Chuuk and my coffee table is still noticeably bare.

Why the NFL changed forever last weekend

My generation is different. Way different. Not march-to-the-beat-of-our-own-drum different, but march-to-the-beat-of-some-new-cool-instrument-you've-probably-never-heard-of-before-that-we-invented-so-we-didn't-have-to-be-pigeonholed-into-marching-to-a-drum different.

For instance, I met some high school friends at the beach the other day and discussed what everyone is doing with their respective lives. One is working a standard 9 to 5 job. Of the other four, one is starting a local organic baby food company, one launched an online alcohol venture, one created their own line of handbags, and the other started making and selling handmade stationary. As I said, different.

We Millennials - the stupidest name ever, only marginally preferably to the original moniker, Generation Y, though I suppose it's telling and a positive sign that our collective independence warranted a name other than "The Generation after Generation X" - are incredibly skeptical, independent, impatient, romantic and determined, a result of constant bombardment from advertisements and growing up with the Internet, which provided us an unprecedented amount of information and made it possible to do anything from anywhere at any time. We question everything. We refuse to do something solely because "that's how it's always been done". We require sufficient motivation and rationale to accomplish a task but, once provided justification - no matter how small - we're doggedly determined and fiercely loyal to our convictions. We are a bizarre hotbed of emotional angst and entrepreneurial inspiration. As I said, different.

Until now, society could ignore our quirks and hope that we would normalize once we began graduating from college and entering the "real world". But, that never happened. We never lost our sense of myopic independence. We kept doing things our own way and the impact of this notion is appearing all over society, including sports. In fact, this weekend's NFL Divisional Playoff games were a microcosm for our generations quirks and a changing of the guard that ceded control of the NFL to our generation. We planted our flag in the league and we're not giving it up any time soon.

The past decade was ruled by stoic, calculated, brilliant tacticians. Tom Coughlin. Tony Dungy. Andy Reid. Bill Belichick. They dominated by implementing systems that forced individuals to submit their personalities to that of the team and won with execution, not emotion. They never boasted about their success. They were too busy winning.

But now, everything has changed.

Dungy is retired. Coughlin didn't make the playoffs. Reid lost in the Wild Card round. Even Belichick, almost unquestionably the NFL's best game day tactician, is 0-3 in the his last three playoff games, each of which involved heavily favored Tom Brady led teams. Meanwhile, Rex Ryan is 3-1 in the playoffs the past two years, each game played as a road underdog; Mike Tomlin is 4-0 in the playoffs with a Super Bowl win in 2009; Lovie Smith has a Bears team many called the worst in the NFC North at the beginning of the season a win away from the Super Bowl; and Pete Carroll somehow pulled off one of the most stunning playoff upsets in recent memory with an utterly crapulous Seahawks team playing without a single Pro Bowl player.

What secret do these four coaches share that differentiate them from the previous generation of coaches? They value the love of their players as much as their respect.

Belicheck's players respect him, but Ryan's players love him. They'd crawl a mile through a sewer pipe, like Andy Dufresne breaking out of Shashank, for him. Lovie Smith couldn't coach his way out of a three sided paper bag, but his players would bear his children. Today's young people are more emotionally fragile and independent than the previous generation. They don't just follow orders. They need to be invested in the cause. Giants cornerback Antrel Rolle says he wishes Giants head coach Tom Coughlin was more like Rex Ryan. A modern NFL head coach needs to connect to his players emotionally as much as professionally.

This skill doesn't manifest as much during the 16-game NFL regular season where grueling schedules negate the effects of emotion. Similarly, long playoff series of the NBA and Major League Baseball generally lead to a triumph of talent and strategy over emotional solidarity. But, in one game - winner take all - the ability of a team to rally around a common goal and impose their will on their opponent is vastly magnified and a coach who can successfully wield this emotional hammer has a powerful weapon at his disposal.

After their stunning upset of the Patriots, Jets linebacker Bart Scott gave one of the best post-game interviews in sports history. He channeled his inner pro wrestler and launched into a minute long vitriolic tirade about the Jets frustration with the pre-game praise lauded on to the Patriots wherein he rips the New England defense to shreds saying, "they couldn't stop a nosebleed". If that sounds familiar, it's because it's the exact same thing Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan said about the Jets defense after their week 16 loss to the Bears. Only three weeks later, minutes after an intensely emotional victory, the Jets defensive emotional leader angrily parroted the words of his head coach.

Rex Ryan didn't just provide his team an excellent game plan, he provided them the inspiration they needed to execute it. When Rex wages war in the media, he does not do it to intimidate the opponent. He does it to incite his own team and deflect any pre-game criticism onto himself, instead of his players. That, my friends, is the brilliance of Rex Ryan and exactly what makes him a successful football coach in the modern NFL.

Our generation is a weird bunch, prone to insufferable bouts of narcissism and intense individuality and we'd be the first to admit it. But, it's time to start getting used to it.

Expect more of us wanting to work from home. Expect more of us starting our own businesses. Expect more melodramatic television shows starting vapid, emotionally challenged protagonists. Expect more tattoos, more weird hair-dos, and more jeggings, lots and lots of jeggings. Also, expect more NFL teams succeeding on emotion instead of execution.

That's just how we roll. As I said, different.

What a trip to McDonald's can teach you about Bears football

I took my two year-old daughter, Haley, to McDonald's this weekend. Not because I wanted to go or because I somehow enjoy feeding my daughter deep friend assemblages of hoof, beak, cartilage, and cardboard, but because she learned that a magical establishment exists that rewards her with a toy for eating delicious finger "food", dipped in brightly colored high fructose corn syrup that she can request by name. "Daddy, can we go to McDonald's, pleeeeeeeeeeeease?". As a parent, I am extremely invested in the healthy development of my child and take immense pride in her burgeoning language skills. But, let me tell you, nothing takes your parental pride down a notch quite like the realization that you've taught your child how to ask for McDonald's. (Example #3,487,247 that parenting is impossibly difficult.)

Yet, as much as I disapprove of providing my daughter access to consumable items - I refuse to call it food - that cause childhood obesity and ass cancer (Yes, I know it's called colon cancer. I just think ass cancer better encapsulates how much it sucks.), I do not want to unnecessarily elevate the status of junk food by turning it into some sort of forbidden fruit. A quarterly fast food foray is better than a twelve year-old with sexual fantasies about clowns, french fries, and chicken nuggets.

Generally, during our trips to the Golden Arches, I only buy food for Haley, but it had been three years since my last tryst with Ronald McDonald so I ordered a six-piece chicken nugget Happy Meal instead of the usual four piece meal, two extra shame nuggets for Dad.

Holy wave of nostalgia, Batman.

The nuggets tasted exactly like I remembered from my high school days, when I had the metabolism of a horny bull moose - for the record, that's approximately 47% greater than a regular bull moose - and could polish off a twenty-piece nuggets, large fries and a chocolate shake in a single sitting. A lightly crisped, toasty crust, surrounding a homogeneous, succulent, vaguely chicken-flavored chewy interior. A simple, guilty pleasure that satisfies both your hunger and inner child, provided you don't think about what actually constitutes a "McNugget".

As I watched Haley smile, play with her soon-to-be-forgotten fuzzy bear toy, and snack on french fries and nugs, I developed a grudging respect for the stalwart consistency of McDonald's. Haley doesn't know the food is bad for her. She just knows that it tastes good, she can eat it with her fingers, and she gets a cool toy. McDonald's may not be the apex of culinary arts, but they serve cheap, satisfying, reliable food, an experience that has not changed in any significant way in the past 50 years. You can malign the quality of the goods, but not the effectiveness of the product, much like the Chicago Bears.

The Chicago Bears are the McDonald's of the NFL: Never pretty and tough to swallow, but undeniably effective and staggeringly consistent. For the past 91 years, the Bears have won with a combination of defense, toughness, special teams, and rugged masculinity (I'm looking at you, Jim McMahon) that is effective, but both gut-wrenching and difficult to watch. Even the '85 Bears, the paragon of Chicago football and perhaps the greatest team of all-time, wouldn't crack any one's list of Top 25 most beautiful or exciting NFL teams.

Beauty is Montana to Rice. Beauty is Manning to Harrison. Beauty is Tom Brady to whoever-the-scrappy-white-guy-is-who-happens-to-be-catching-the-ball-today. Beauty is not running the ball 40 times a game, generating 5 turnovers, and winning 13-3. But, that's how they do it in Chicago. They win ugly.

This creates a problem of perspective, because winning ugly doesn't score you any bonus points with fans. When people think of great teams they reminisce about crisp passing offenses, flashy running plays, and high-flying wide receivers. They don't take into account the fact that a team with Devin Hester running back kicks will consistently start drives at their own 40 instead of their own 20 (or sometimes they won't even have to start drives at all when he runs the ball back for a touchdown). They don't factor in the ability of Charles Tillman to routinely punch the ball out of opposing wide receivers hands when he tackles them. But, whether we like to admit it or not, winning ugly is still winning.

Take, for example, Peyton Manning. Manning is the Whole Foods of the NFL, his offensive arsenal a buffet of delicious and nutritious local and organic options. Yet, despite his offensive wizardry, he has a 9-10 lifetime record in the post season and more home playoff losses (4) than any quarterback in NFL History. I love Peyton Manning and think he's more the victim of sub par coaching and defense than poor play, but fans and media consistently overrate Manning-led teams due to their aesthetically pleasing style of play. But, beautiful football can't compensate for sub par defense any more than offering organically grown, sustainably harvested broccoli can compensate for charging 17.95 for a floret.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for Bears football any more than I'd advocate for McDonald's. I'd far rather cheer for a team that put on a glorious, dominant display of offensive football than a team that squeaks out ridiculous, cover-your-eyes, hide-the-women-and-children wins with punt returns, tipped balls, and fumble recoveries. But I respect both for what they do and think neither gets the credit they deserve for consistently excelling because they do so in unorthodox fashion. It's time we gave the Bears and McDonald's their proper due, even if they do end in painful trips to the bathroom.

What safe sex can teach us about the NFL

I'm going to start a new running feature on the JBorhood called Barguments. It will consist of a series of short posts, each highlighting a snippet of information designed to help you sound like a genius while discussing sports around the water cooler or win an argument at a bar, a bar argument, or bargument, if you will.

Don't get me wrong. You don't need the help. The mere fact that you're reading the JBorhood suggests you possess a mighty intellect and staggering good looks, however, I'm going to kick it up a notch (the intellect, not the looks; not that you need any help, you sexy beast). That way, you can devote more of your free time to your true pleasures, like go-cart racing, monkey jousting, and dispensing spirit tasting information while drinking vodka in the shower.

You can thank me later.

Today's topic: Does running the football more increase a team's likelyhood of winning?

The short answer? No.

The mere act of handing the ball to the running back again and again does nothing to help a team's chance of winning. In fact, the frequency of almost any event, except for scoring and turning over the ball, has virtually no effect on the probability of winning or losing. The effectiveness of each action, not the action itself, is the determinant of success in football.

The New England Patriots are streamrolling the entire NFL with an offense that views running the football the way I view getting a colonoscopy. Meanwhile, the Kansas City Chiefs are improbably leading the AFC West with an offense that passes the ball for the sole purpose of giving their running backs a breather. These offenses succeed through superior execution, not a devotion to a specific type of play.

This should be clear. But it's not.

Week after week, football commentators regurgitate the same misguided idea that struggling teams need to run the football more because, on average, winning teams average more rushing attempts than losing teams. And that's a legitimate truth. This year's top four teams in rushing attempts -- Kansas City, New York Jets, Jacksonville, and Atlanta -- are a combined 37-15. The bottom four -- Denver, Seattle, Washington and Arizona -- are a combined 18-34. And it's the same story every year. Winning teams rush the football more than losing teams. So it's understandable why people jump to the conclusion that teams should rush the ball more often if they want to win.

But this brings us to the idea of correlation vs. causation. Correlation is a relationship between two variables. When one changes, we see a corresponding change in the other. Causation goes a step further. It says that one of the variables is responsible for the change in the other.

For example, when I was in college, a strong correlation existed between my prophylactic use and the frequency with which I got laid. Clearly, my Trojan application was a direct result of getting lucky. When I got laid, I used protection. When I didn't, I wasn't strutting around my dorm room ready for action (as far as you know, anyway). But, if I'd been friends with an NFL announcer in college, they would have no doubt suggested that I start each day by putting on a Durex Pleasuremax (for the record, I had to Google that) before my boxers, since every day I used a condom I ended up with a lady in bed.

Now, think of NFL Teams winning as getting laid and running the football as the application of a prophylactic. Teams don't win the game because they wear protection, err... run the football. They run the football because they win games.

When a team is winning, it wants to take care of the football and run out the clock. The safest way to do that is to run the football. Running reduces the chance of turnovers and keeps the clock moving on every play. The more a team is ahead, the more they'll run. It's that simple.

Granted, there are certainly situations where teams need to run the ball more. Mike Martz tried to turn this year's Chicago Bears into the 1999 St. Louis Rams before realizing they had the offensive line of the 1999 St. Louis Crusaders (In fairness to the Crusaders, they had a better O-line). When he eventually called more running plays, it gave the offense more balance, slowed down the pass rush of the defense and gave Jay Cutler (some) time to throw the football.

But that's the exception, not the rule.

The next time someone tells you that their favorite team needs to run the ball more to win, tell them about correlation, tell them about causation, and tell them about how using more condoms won't help them get laid. On second though, maybe you should just stick to the statistics.

What the NFL can learn from my Mom

After the first round of the NFL draft, my Mom asked me a seemingly simple question: Why did so many teams pass on Tim Tebow?

I started to fire off a knee jerk response, listing the official Tim Tebow bullet points ESPN pummeled into my skull the past three months -- no experience in a pro style offense, not a polished passer, needs to overhaul his throwing motion -- when I realized the answer was far more complex and begged a far more interesting and fundamental question:

Should so many teams have passed on Tim Tebow?

Tim Tebow is arguably the greatest college football player of all-time. In his four years at the University of Florida, he won two National Championships; won the Heisman Trophy and finished second in the Heisman voting the following year; led the Gators to a 35-6 record as a starter; broke the SEC record for rushing touchdowns and total touchdowns in a season; completed over 67 percent of his passes, including a mind boggling 70.1 percent his senior year; and threw 88 touchdowns and only 15 interceptions. All this, while performing countless circumcisions as a missionary in the Phillipines during the off-season. By all accounts he's a gentleman, a scholar, and as hard a worker and as nice a guy as you'll ever meet. In short he's everything you'd want in your best friend, let alone your NFL Quarterback.

But, you already know that. And, even if you don't, you know the one stat about Tim Tebow that actually counts: He wins football games, lots and lots of football games.

So, what changed? What's so different about the NFL? Why do the supposed smartest minds in the game agree that Tim Tebow's overwhelming success playing football (in college) won't translate to playing football (in the NFL)?

In short, nothing, nothing, and because they're huffing glue.

(I have no evidence that NFL decision makers are actually huffing glue and their lack of confidence in Tim Tebow is more likely the result of a conservative NFL culture that stifles innovation than a consequence of prevalent inhalant abuse, but some decisions certainly make you wonder... (Tyson Alualu? Really, Jacksonville?))

In all fairness, their are a few significant differences between college and pro football. The NFL is a pass-first league, dominated by the Peyton Mannings and Tom Bradys of the world. In college, teams employ vastly different styles, ranging from the pass-wacky I'd-use-my-offensive-linemen-as-receivers-if-the-NCAA-allowed spread offense of June Jones to the run-focused every-time-I-call-a-pass-play-a-part-of-my-soul-dies triple option attack Paul Johnson employs at Georgia Tech. Also, the disparity in talent between teams is far greater in college football than in the NFL. When Tim Tebow took the field for Florida, he was protected by 6' 4", 300-pound monsters named Maurkice (no, really) who physically over-matched opponents in all but two or three games a year. In the NFL, every team team has a Maurkice, not to mention a D'Brickashaw and a Jahri.

But, those aren't reasons; Those are excuses.

Two years ago, people called the spread offense a "gimmick". Then the Patriots employed the "gimmick" to set the NFL record for points in a season and come within one act of God from winning the Super Bowl. Now all NFL teams employ a spread package (On a random note, that's probably the first time in the past three months a sports writer has used the term "employ a spread package" without referencing Tiger Woods). The same thing is happening with the Wildcat and there's no reason it (pick one) can't/won't/shouldn't happen with the Read Option offense Tebow deftly executed at Florida. With very few exceptions (and apologies to Steve Spurrier), if it works in college, it will work in the NFL.

And, yes, Tebow played with vastly superior talent in all except two or three games a year. But, you know what he did in those two or three games? He won them. In his four years at Flordia, Tebow went 14-5 against the Top 25, won two National Championships and three total BCS games. The bigger the stage, the bigger the performance.

But this happens all the time, and not just in football. Players dominate in college, create a legacy of virtuoso performances and, yet, some time between the end of the college season and the draft, general managers find obscure reasons to discount their success. They're too short (Ray Rice); They don't have a defined position (Percy Harvin); Their knees don't have any connective tissue (DeJuan Blair. Ok, at least I can understand why that might be a teeny smidge of an issue in a sport -- basketball -- that requires you to flex your knee tendons approximately 47,000 times a game, but the fact that the second most productive player in all of college basketball and someone who hucked the 7' 2" number two pick in the draft over his shoulder in a judo throw that would have made Bruce Lee weep with pride lasted until the 7th pick of the second round will forever boggle my mind. And no, I am not at all bitter that the Chicago Bulls refrained from using either of their two first round picks to select Blair. Not bitter at all. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go burn my James Johnson jersey.). These are all valid concerns, but, shouldn't we be more concerned with a player who failed to excel at the marginally important, vaguely relevant task of actually playing the game?

This mindset makes even less sense with Quarterbacks. If history has taught us anything about the NFL Draft, it's that drafting a Quarterback is a crap shoot. Despite continued advances in scouting and statistics, selecting an NFL Quarterback is a coin flip at best. Some first round picks fizzle (JaMarcus Russell, come on down!) and some late round picks turn into Hall of Famers (See Brady, Tom). So, if you're going to mortgage the future of your franchise on a single player,wouldn't you put your money on the hardest working, most accomplished player of the past decade?

If you don't know the answer at this point, you can always ask my Mom.

The Bear Essentials

Want to know the Super Bowl implications of the Bears signing Julius Peppers?

Want to know what the signing of Chester Taylor means for the Matt Forte era?

Are you just trying to figure out how to pronounce Manumaleuna?

Then, my friends, you've come to the right place. I sat down with JBorhood podcast regular Matt Kolsky this Wednesday to help sort through the biggest free agent signing period in Bears history. In the process, we touch on the Ben Roethelesburger (I don't know if I spelled that right and, frankly, I don't care) scandal, the state of the Arizona Cardinals, and Robert DeNiro's newest ESPN project.

So sit back, relax, and get your pod on.

JBorhood Podcast - Bears Talk - 03/08/2010

Jay Cutler Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

To this day, I have never anticipated the release of a movie more than when George Lucas released Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace in May of 1999.

The movie was released on a Wednesday, but I was a senior in High School with only a few weeks left before graduation, so my buddies and I left school early to see the first showing. We waited in line for six hours. I won a pair of gold earrings in a Star Wars voice impersonation contest for my impression of Jabba the Hut. By the time we got our seats, the lights dimmed, the curtains raised, and the John Williams soundtrack came blasting through the speakers, I could have used a change of underwear.

But then the movie happened.
Little Anakin happened.
Jar Jar happened.

To put it bluntly, the movie sucked. It was a poorly acted, poorly edited, ill-contrived, turd of a film that bore little resemblance to its predecessors (or my expectations). I tried to justify and make excuses for the movie (“The pod racing sequence was mildly enjoyable.” “The five minutes of Darth Maul didn’t totally suck.” “Maybe Jar Jar gets eaten by a Rancor in the sequel.”), but I couldn’t escape the fact that it was a let down on virtually every level.

In fact, it was so bad that it completely soured me on the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy. I didn’t see Episode 2: Attack of the Clones until it came out on video. To this day, I still haven’t watched Episode 3: Last of the Bastard Children (paraphrased) despite insistence from all my friends that it is the best of the three. As far as I’m concerned, the prequels never happened (just like the second and third Matrix movies and Michael Jordan’s comeback with the Wizards).

Sadly, I’m beginning to feel that way about the 2009 Chicago Bears football season.

All summer long I had a fever, and the only prescription was more Cutler. I read every article I could get my hands on. I wrote a piece for the JBorhood that wavered between ecstatic and first-time-I-got-laid levels of excitement. I put a Google News alert on “Jay Cutler”. I even bought a new set of knives because they were Cutco. (Ok, not really, but I thought about it.) By the end of the pre-season, my obsessive devotion to all things Cutler would likely have qualified as grounds for a restraining order.

Suffice to say, I have never been more excited for a regular season Bears game than I was this past Sunday Night. First game of the season, in prime time, against the arch-rival Packers, with the Bears first legitimate starting quarterback since the Lincoln Administration, by the time the Bears kicked-off, I could have used a change of underwear.

But then the game happened.
Brian Urlacher happened.
Jay Cutler happened.

By the time Monday morning rolled around, the Bears were two games behind their main division rivals (by virtue of head to head tiebreaker), without their best defensive player for the season, and wondering if Jay Cutler is really just Rex Grossman with a diva complex. With the defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers coming to town on Sunday, Bears faithful are preparing to channel their inner Cub fan and “wait til next year”, less than two weeks into a season many thought would end in a Super Bowl.

Sigh.

I’m sure Bears fans won’t receive any sympathy from Patriots Nation, who lost Tom Brady to a season-ending knee injury in the first half of last year’s opening game.

I’m sure Lions fans would trade places with Bears fans in a heart beat as they wait for the Lions to break their current 18 game losing streak.

But, frankly, no other group of fans knows the pain that Bears fans are suffering today. Because, after 59 years of offensive ineptitude, 59 years of ignoring the most important position in all of sports, 59 years of embracing the forward pass like Kanye West embraces grace and dignity, the Bears were finally supposed to have a Quarterback.

And maybe they still do. Calling the Jay Cutler era a regrettable period after only one game is laughably premature even for me (and that’s saying something).

But Sunday was supposed to be the first day of the rest of our lives. The day we could finally sit at the big kids table. The day we could laugh at other teams’ Quarterback controversies. The day we could buy a Bears jersey for a player that didn’t play linebacker, running back, or return specialist. The day when the words “woefully inefficient” made us think of American automakers, instead of our beloved football team.

Instead, we’re left wondering whether our defense can rally around each other and overcome the loss of their physical and emotional leader and whether our franchise savior can throw the ball as effectively to our own team as he can the opposition.

For the record, I think they will.

The Bears defense is too deep and too talented to let the loss of one player, no matter how important, affect their ability to harass opposing offenses.

And, Jay Cutler only has to make mild improvements to win the hearts and minds of Bears fans. It won’t take a miracle to make us forget about Rex Grossman. The Bears Quarterback legacy isn’t exactly Star Wars. If Jay Cutler’s touchdown to interception ratio resembles the number of times I’ve sworn I’ll never drink tequila again (two, as of last week Friday) instead of the percent of last week Friday I remember, he’ll look like Citizen Kane in comparison.

So I’m going to tune in to Sunday’s game against the Steelers. And I’ll watch the next week’s trip to Seattle. Hell, I’ll even stick around for the following game against the Lions (because it’s always fun to watch the Lions get thrown to the lions).

But if the Bears haven’t turned their season around by that point and Jay Cutler hasn’t stopped his noble attempt to honor the legacy of Rex Grossman, I’ll watch Star Wars Episode 3 before I watch another Bears game this season.

Cutlermania!

Holy shit! The Chicago Bears have a starting quarterback!

I was totally prepared to write a 2009 Major League Baseball Season Preview last Thursday, when the Bears dropped a bomb on my world. After 60 years of offensive ineptitude, the Bears finally stopped ignoring the most important position in football and traded for a twenty five year old franchise quarterback in a moment that was like my Birthday, Christmas, and the first time I got laid all rolled into one. (To be fair, the first time I got laid was a little uncomfortable and awkward for all involved, but it was still a great day.)

I tried to write a celebratory article, however, my mind was trapped in a football themed “Being John Malkovich” sequel, “Being Jay Cutler”, and the only thing I could say was “Jay Cutler”. Here’s the introduction to my first draft:

JAY CUTLER!!!!

Jay Cutler, Jay Cutlerjay Cutler. Jay Cutler! Jay cut lerJaycu tler JayCut ler, Jay!

Jay.

Cutler.

JAY CUTLERJAYCUTLERJAYCUTLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The article went on like this for 47 pages, culminating in seven straight pages of exclamation points. Like I said, I was fairly excited.)

When I regained my grip on reality, I got out of the ditch, washed off the blue and orange body paint, put on some clothes, apologized to Kahala Mall security, and started to come to terms with the fact that life as a Bears fan would never be the same. You see, Chicago sports fans accept a few unassailable facts:

• The White Sox are irrelevant.
• The Cubs always lose.
• The Bears never have a quarterback.
  

These things are not up for debate. They just are. Ask any Bears fan to tell you the last great Bears quarterback and they’ll almost invariably say, “Sid Luckman”. (Sorry, Jim McMahon fans. McMahon was a great character, a fabulous leader, and a bad ass mofo, but not a great quarterback. Sadly, the NFL does not award points due to one’s ability to rock a headband or don a sweet pair of shades.) But who the hell is Sid Luckman? Did anyone ever see Sid Luckman play? Did he really exist? For all I know, Sid Luckman is someone a couple drunk Bears fans made up at a bar one night after getting sick of the incessant teasing from Packer fans.

Packers Fan: “The Bears suck! They’ve never had a great quarterback and they never will!”

Drunken Bears Fan #1: “Oh, yeah? What about Sid Luckman???”

Drunken Bears Fan #2: “Sid Who?”

Drunken Bears Fan #1 (under his breath): “Shut up, dude. Just play along.”

Drunken Bears Fan #2: “Oh, Yeah! Sid Luckman is the greatest quarterback who ever lived!!! He could throw the ball 200 yards, cure cancer, and blow up sheep with mind bullets. If he were alive right now, he’d beat you to death with your own hands and distill Single Malt Scotch from your liver.”

Packers Fan: “Wow. I wish I was a Bears fan.”

Drunken Bears Fan #1: “At least you’re not a Lions fan.”

(Hearty laughter is shared by all.)

According to Sid Luckman’s Wikipedia page, which features a photo that looks like someone pasted Marlon Brando’s face on a football player’s body, Luckman retired in 1950. That means the Bears played without a legitimate starter at the game’s most important position for over 50 years!
During that time, Bears fans had to endure:

• Cade McNown, who was about 4 feet tall.
• Jim Miller, whose best attribute was his ability to grow a really sweet beard.
• Henry Burris, who, I kid you not, threw the ball with his eyes closed.
• Erik Kramer, who spells his name with a ‘k’ like a sissy girl, which tells you everything you need to know.
• Chad Hutchinson, who I truly believe came to Chicago because the coaching staff told him he could surf on Lake Michigan.
• Rex Grossman, about whom enough has been said.
• Craig Krenzel, whose GPA was approximately equal to his quarterback rating.
• Mike Tomczak, whose game was, comically, worse than his name.
• Peter Tom Willis, who has half as many names (three) as touchdowns thrown (six).
• Jonathan Quinn, whose only discernible skill was launching the ball 15 feet over a receiver’s head.
  

(And that’s just who I can remember off the top of my head…)

I’d say that Bears quarterbacks set offensive football back 50 years. But, apparently 50 years ago, the Bears had someone that could actually run an offense.

The sad fact is that I’ve never cheered for a good Bears quarterback in my entire life.
Until now…

Now, everything has changed. Rather than talking myself into the Kyle Orton era and championing the subtle sexiness of the neck beard, (Editor’s note: If you doubt the chick repelling power of the neck beard just threaten to grow one the next time you’re hanging around that trick you can’t seem to get rid of…problem solved.) I get to watch Jay Cutler fire 30-yard strikes to Devin Hester with his laser rocket arm. And all the Bears had to give up were two first round draft picks (2009, 2010), a third round draft pick (2009), and a Quarterback whose deep ball pales in comparison to his neck beard (Editor’s note: ha-ha, he said deep ball). (In all fairness, most things pale in comparison to his neck beard.)

Like any trade, certain pundits (read: morons) say the Bears “paid a high price” for Culter or “gave up too much” for Cutler, but that idea is, frankly, hilarious. Jay Cutler is a 25 year old franchise quarterback, coming off of a Pro-Bowl season. Players like that aren’t traded for draft picks. Players like that aren’t traded at all. If the Bears called the Broncos and offered two first round picks and a third round pick for Cutler a month ago, they would have heard five minutes of unabated laughter. Now, the only laughter you hear is coming from Chicago.

The Bears gave up two first round picks?

So. What.

Let’s review the Bears first round selections under current General Manager, Jerry Angelo.

2001 – David Terrell, WR, Michigan (Toss up whether he was a bigger bust or asshole.)

2002 – Marc Colombo, OT, Boston College (Started ten games before suffering a season ending injury, after which he started only two games for the Bears.)

2003 – Alex Haynes, DE, Penn State & Rex Grossman, QB, Florida (Or, as I like to call it, 2Busts 1Year.)

2004 – Tommie Harris, DT, Oklahoma (A legitimate All-Pro, who is now a broken shell of his former self after suffering a knee injury in 2006.)

2005 – Cedric Benson, RB, Texas (The heir apparent to Ricky Williams in every possible way.)

2006 – No pick (Hey, if you don’t pick, you can’t screw it up.)

2007 – Greg Olsen, TE, Miami (A solid offensive contributor.)

2008 – Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt (Injured before playing any games in 2008.)

To recap, that’s one Pro Bowl player, one legitimate offensive starter, and six abject failures in eight years. So, thank you very much, Denver. Enjoy the draft picks.

But I’m not done. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Let’s imagine, for argument’s sake, that Denver’s rookie General Manager, Brian Xanders, whose first move on the job was hiring a 32 year old head coach who immediately fired the offensive coordinator and alienated the Pro Bowl Quarterback from the NFL’s second ranked offense, might do a better job evaluating talent then the Bears. According to reports, Xanders is considering trading the Broncos and Bears 2009 first round picks to move up and select USC Quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Now, we can safely assume that the Broncos 2009 first round pick is worth more than the Bears 2010 first round pick. In fact, we can probably assume that it’s worth more than the Bears 2010 first round pick and 2009 third round pick combined.

What does this mean?

It means the Broncos are considering trading more for Mark Sanchez than they received for Jay Cutler.

Game. Set. Match.

Thanks for playing, Denver. Write if you find work.

So while the Broncos begin the search for the successor to the successor to John Elway, the Bears begin to learn what they’ve been missing all these years.

I suppose in a town that hasn’t won a World Series for 108 years, 50 years can be considered a victory.

JBorhood Oscar Recap 2009

As always is the case at this time of year, you're sick of reading about football and I'm sick of writing about football. So allow me to blast through my post-Super Bowl Breakdown in record time...

• The better team won
• Even though he lost Kurt Warner, solidified his qualitications for the Hall-of-Fame.
• Larry Fitzgerald joined Jerry Rice in the Pantheon of unstoppable big game wide receivers.
• Ben Roethlesburger proved that you don't have to be a great quarterback to be a great quarterback.

That's it. Seriously. Did you really want me to waste 3000 words of your and my time to say that?

Now that we've covered the important stuff, let's take some time and recap my favorite trivial, overblown, and pretentious (hey, sounds alot like me) celebration of the year... The Oscars

---

Are we entirely sure that Mickey Rourke didn't spend the previous night in a cardboard box on Hollywood Boulevard?

Speaking of Micky Rourke, we really need to come up with an Oscars drinking game. I know that people post variations every year, but I think we can do better. Please leave any suggestions in the comments.

My wife would like to extend a heartfelt 'Thank You' to Hugh Jackman for appearing at the Oscars clean shaven. Similarly, she would like to extend a big 'F-U' to Adrian Brody for giving Mickey Rourke a run for his money at the best non-intentional Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman impression.

When did Anjelica Huston turn into a transvestite? (I'd say the same thing about Sarah Jessica Parker, but she's been one for a long time.)

French Animated Short Film + Academy Award + Japanese Director + Language Barrier = Best Oscar Speech Ever.


Maybe it's because the movies were more artsy and less publicized then usual, maybe it's because I now look after a nine month old terradactyl with the attention span of a crack addicted ferret on Red Bull, but I've only seen two -- that's right, two -- movies nominated for Oscars this year, and those involved Batman and Tom Cruise in a fat suit.

Someone really needs to tell Robert Pattinson that they stopped filming Twilight a year ago and that he's not actually a vampire.
http://www.mtv.com/photos/robert-pattinsons-oscar-night/1605576/3620957/photo.jhtml

If someone punches Zac Effron in the face, I'll give them twenty bucks.

Ben Stiller is the Larry Fitzgerald of comedy. Put him on a big stage and he delivers, every time. (He gets bonus points in my book for knowing when the joke was over and reading the nominees names seriously.)


Watching the acceptance speeches for the Art Direction and Make-Up Oscars is like watching 5-year olds play soccer; Almost always boring and rarely memorable, but when it is, it's one of the funniest things in the world.

Glad to know that, in case the mood strikes, I can safely drive a Monster Truck over my May Tag washer. In the past, I've never considered the aftermath of a potential Monster Truck attack when purchasing major appliances.

I still can't believe Alan Arkin won an Oscar for playing Alan Arkin in a bland, depressing, un-funny comedy.

I have no idea who he is, but judging from his appearnce, Michael Shannon is either an actor or a pedophile.
http://l.yimg.com/k/im_siggjiYdktHPC51HwuV2hzUllQ---y626-x495-q75-n0/omg/us/img/ee/62/1381217624_1461964349.jpg

How long do you think Heath Ledger's family could have spoken before the exit music started playing? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? An hour? If they were still talking would we know won Best Picture yet?

Can someone tell Bill Maher that his movie was NOT nominated. We get it Bill. You made a controversial film. No one came. No one cares. Let it go.

The creators of the Best Documentary Short Subject winner, Smile Pinki, need to create a sequel for Best Documentary Feature nominee co-writer called 'Smile Phrasavath'.
http://fresnofilmworks.org/img_fest08/biopics/phrasavath.jpg
(The joke takes waaaaaaay to much set-up to work in print, but trust me, in context it was really funny...)

Hats off to Will Smith for stating the obvious: WHY DON'T THE OSCARS RECOGNIZE MOVIE'S THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH. I'm not advocating the bastardization of our cinematic culture, but would it hurt them to create separate categories for Excellence in Action and Comedic performances?

I invoke the China Principal to back-up my assertion that 'The Dark Knight' should have been nominated for Best Picture because, seriously, a billion dollars can't be wrong?
(Props to JBor Holensdale for providing the inspiration for that joke earlier in the week. Take note fellow JBors, you make quippy comments, you get recognized. Hollah!)

How do they pick the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing Oscars? Out of a hat?

Did Jerry Lewis try to sneak a kiss from Eddie Murphy?

WTF?!!?!? Did anyone see the commecial for the Rhumatoid Arthritis drug, Orencia? It starts off well, explaing how it can releive the minor aches of arthritis and then, somewhere around the :28 mark, they start listing the side effects and all hell breaks lose.

• Do not take Orencia with other RA medicines due to risk of SERIOUS INFECTIONS
• Orencia can cause SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS, including SERIOUS INFECTIONS
• Cases of RARE CANCER have been reported
• Tell your doctor if you have an infection or an OPEN SORE
  
• Orencia may cause SERIOUS LUNG DISEASE

Let's get this straight. A medicine designed to relieve minor pain can cause SERIOUS INFECTION or lung disease? I'll take the arthritis, thank you very much.


If I ever buy a pornographic book on tape, I want Alicia Keys to narrate it. Good lord.

The film from Japan wins the Best Foreign Film Oscar and I'm thinking to myself, "Can this guy possibly give a repeat performance of the Mr. Roboto guy?", AND THEN HE DOES! We need to create a best Asian Language Film Oscar to ensure that we keep this going.

Bravo, Danny Boyle. If you win an Oscar and remember to hop like Tigger for your kids, you're a great father in my book.

Sophia Loren has finally gotten old and creepy enough that I wouldn't sleep with her. (Meryl Streep on the other hand...)

Kate Winslet gave a masters course in How-to-Give-an-Oscars-Speech. Start with a joke? Check. Thank your parents? Check. Thank Husband and Kids? Check. Thank other nominees? Check. Memorable line ("It's not a shampoo bottle anymore!")? Check. She should get a second Oscar for that speech.

For the record, if I was sleeping with Robin Wright-Penn, I wouldn't forget to thank her when I gave an Oscar acceptance speech.

Thank you to the Academy for not giving the Best Picture Oscar to 'Benjamin Button' and ruining the Oscars.

Last, but certainly not least, I want to give a big JBorhood salute to Heath Ledger, who deserved to win the Oscar whether he died or not. In his honor, I will refrain from making any Gay Cowboy jokes. Oh come on, guys. Why so serious?

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! Conference Championship Edition

So, um...my picks were bad last week. Really bad. Let's just say that I got three out of four (three out of four wrong, that is) and move along.

In order to distract you from my egregiously poor prognostication abilities, I've decided to roll out the longest article title in JBorhood history and a special two-for-the-price of one article special this week. Perfect for that extra long Saturday morning bathroom trip.

So sit down, drop trou, and, as always, enjoy!

(Click here to view my Wild Card and Divisional Round break down and picks)

---

I have a lot of shoes.

Not a note worthy handful but an egregious collection. An embarrassingly large assemblage of footwear. I don't mean a back of pair of brown dress shoes, I mean seven different options of foot coverage when visiting 24 Hour Fitness. I'm a modern day Imelda Marco, provided Imelda was tall, white, male and had more shoes.

My vast array of footwear allows me to select the perfect compliment to any outfit or situation -- word to the wise, never underestimate the power of a good pair of bathroom shoes -- however, since my wife and I moved into our new, relatively small apartment in preparation for the birth of our daughter, the issue of where to store said bevy of boots has caused a fair amount of friction.

I'm of the opinion that the entry way, the space under the sofa, the top of the television, the babies crib and the inside of the microwave are all perfectly reasonable places to store shoes. My wife, the illustrious Editor-in-Chief of the JBorhood, does not share this opinion.

In order to keep myself out of trouble, I started stashing shoes in the various drawers of our TV stand, which is conveniently located directly inside the front door. Relative harmony reigned for a few weeks until two days ago when my wife opened one of these handy drawers while searching for a workout video. After an animated and arguably humorous (or, more accurately, humorously argumentative) discussion about what items one might appropriately store in a TV stand, a brief discussion about how to divide our assets and a potential outline for custody and visitation rights, "we" came to the conclusion that storing footwear in a more "clothing appropriate" location would make life easier and happier for "all of us".

(Author's Note: Truth be told, my wife and I have an incredible relationship and agree on very nearly everything. We simply diverge on what constitutes a "clean" household: She believes its when items are put in a designated spot upon completion of usage. I believe its when you can't see the mess.)

The next morning, as I was heading out the door, I noticed that I'd left two pairs of jeans, which I picked up the day before after getting them hemmed, lying on the floor. (A huge shoe collection? Getting my jeans hemmed? This week's article is going to hell in a hand basket. For the record, I just burped, grabbed my crotch, downed a fifth of Jack Daniels and punched myself in the face.) Rather than leaving them in a heap on the floor, I decided to remove the mess by placing the jeans in the most convenient place available: the TV stand.

Needless to say, the following phone conversation took place later that day...

Editor-in-Chief: I'm impressed you found space for something besides shoes in the TV Stand.
Me: You should thank me for not leaving them on the floor.
Editor-in-Chief: That's like thanking you for putting dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
Me: I'm guessing this isn't the best time to suggest that you stick to the freezer today.
Editor-in-Chief: ...
Me: I'm kidding.
Editor-in-Chief: I'm checking anyway.

After verifying that I did not, in fact, place any dirty dishes in the refrigerator (thank God she never checked the microwave...), the Editor-in-Chief began to discuss her plans of starting a bonfire in our living room using my shoes and jeans as kindling when I caught her completely off guard with a rational explanation for my behavior. I explained that, I was late for work and on my way out the door when I noticed the jeans. I placed them in the TV stand to temporarily alleviate the mess, with the full intention of putting them in a (slightly) more rational location when I returned home.

Much to my surprise, she acknowledge that this made sense.

Ahhh, the beauty of context.

It's alright to put jeans in the TV stand, so long as you have a damn good reason for doing so.

Which, of course, brings us to Donovan McNabb.

In ten seasons in Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb has led the Eagles to seven playoff appearances, five conference championships, and a Super Bowl. He's been selected to five Pro Bowls, finished 2nd in MVP voting in 2000, won the NFC Offensive Player of the Year award in 2004, has a lifetime Quarterback rating of 85.9, a Touchdown to Interception ratio of 194 to 90, and never lost an opening round playoff game. Despite all these accomplishments, Donovan rarely gets the respect he deserves and is almost never mentioned among the best Quarterbacks in the league because of one thing he's never done: win a Super Bowl.

On the other hand, Eli Manning, has a lower career Quarterback rating (55.9), lower completion percentage (55.9 to Donovan's 58.9), a pedestrian touchdown to interception ratio (98 to 74) and has lost three out of four of his opening round playoff games, yet is constantly bandied about as one of the top quarterbacks in the game and is on the verge of becoming the highest paid player in the NFL, all because David Tyree put super glue on the side of his helmet.

The idea that Eli Manning is a better Quarterback then Donovan McNabb is laughable. Last Saturday, playing at home, with a far more talented team, and two weeks to prepare, Eli Manning missed open receiver after open receiver, while McNabb made big play after big play.

Every time the Eagles needed a big gain, Donovan made a play. When his protection broke down, he'd scramble in the backfield, buy himself a few extra seconds and find an open receiver. The Eagles were 7-14 on third down. The Giants were 3-13. Nuff said.

Hopefully, for Donovan's sake, the Eagles can dispatch the Cardinals this weekend and win the big one in two weeks. If not, I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive Donovan for storing his career in the proverbial TV Stand.

Original Prediction: GIANTS over Panthers
Revised Prediction: Eagles over CARDINALS

---

I went to the Shack, a local burger chain, on Tuesday and ordered a bacon and blue cheese burger and a basket of fries. The burger was fantastic, as always, however, it was the fries that grabbed my attention.

There wasn't anything extraordinary about them. No special seasoning. No secret recipe. They were just, hot, crispy, and delicious, which surprised me. I always believed that making great fries required some magic, a special something, a certain je ne sais quoi.

The tangy zing of seasoned curly fries.
The intense flavor of Gordon Biesch Garlic Fries.
The perfect harmony of salty, sweet, and crunch of McDonalds Fries.

The fries from The Shack lack the superstar quality of the aforementioned potato wedges. They are not great, but they're damn good. They made me realized that making good fries is much simpler then I imagined.

Serve them hot.
Make them crispy.
Salt them appropriately.

That's it. It's not rocket science, just simple goodness.

Which, of course, brings us to Joe Flacco.

As I have repeated ad nauseum in the JBorhood, Joe Flacco is not a great quarterback. He doesn't move well in the pocket, he tends to lock on to his primary target, and his accuracy leaves something to be desired. He lacks the ability to take over a game or put his team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. But, after watching him stand strong in the pocket, make just enough big plays down field to keep the defense honest, and play 60 minutes of smart, confident football in the Ravens stunning victory over the Titans I realized that I owe Flacco an apology.

I spent so much time pointing out the fact that Flacco is not a great quarterback, that I completely overlooked the possibility that he was a good quarterback. But, as I sat at The Shack, enjoying my basket of solid, yet unspectacular French Fries, I had an epiphany: Quarterback play is just like making french fries. You don't have to be special to succeed and the recipe for success is very simple.

Don't turn the ball over.
Don't take a lot of sacks.
Make a few plays down field at critical moments.

Through two playoff games, Flacco has zero turnovers, zero sacks, a handful of great throws and, most importantly, two wins. It's not always pretty, but, as The Shack fries teach us, you don't have to be special to be high quality. I'll take me some Flacco fries any day.

(Of course, after all that, I'm still taking Pittsburgh this weekend. What? I said I was wrong, I never said I was crazy.)

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers
Re-Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Ravens

Super Bowl
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS
Re-Revised Prediction: I think it's better for all of us if I just sit this one out til next week.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza!

Congratulations to the Chargers for their stunning upset of the Colts. A similar tip of the cap to the Cardinals, Eagles, and Ravens for their rousing victories over the weekend. Each team played hard, executed well, and deserves high praise for their performance.

It's a shame they don't mean anything.

That's right. You heard me. Not. A. Thing.

In fact -- and this might shock you -- even the Steelers and Panthers have nothing left to play for.

Due to the bizarre rules of the NFL and the continued collusion by a corrupt collection of conspirators (he pauses to bask in the glory of the 2009's first amazingly awesome alliteration), the only game that matters is the NFLCS Championship Game between the #1 Giants and #2 Titans.

Or at least that's what the BCS would have you believe.

Actually, after last night's loss, Oklahoma finished the season in 5th place, so the BCS would have you believe that the Giants and the Colts should square off for the title. (The JBorhood kindly asks that you overlook the similarity of this pick to his own initial playoff prognostication.)

But then, the BCS would have you believe that Florida and Choke-lahoma -- 4 BCS Title Game Appearances. 3 double-digit losses. 5-game BCS losing streak. Yup, choke sounds right -- are better then USC's NFL minor league team and undefeated Utah.

The BCS would have you believe that their was no shooter on the grassy knoll.

The BCS would have you believe that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban is the coach of the year, even though Utah's Kyle Wittingham led a school with far less resources and talent to an undefeated season and embarrassed Saban's Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl. (To be fair, the Coach of the Year award is an NCAA award, not a BCS award, however, I figure while I'm assigning blame and have identified a convenient scapegoat, might as well heap as much as blame on them as possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure the BCS caused the sub-prime mortgage crisis and global warming, and co-wrote the Star Wars prequels.)

Lucky for us, the BCS does not run the NFL and the NFL does not decide their champion using a combination of polls, computer rankings, media blather and what Paris Hilton wore to go clubbing last weekend.

The NFL decides their champions like men. (Which is to say that men decide their issues by suiting up in pads with ten of their closest friends and spending sixty minutes knocking the bejesus out of each other fighting over an oblong ball?)

And for that, I am thankful, as are the Chargers, Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles, and football fans everywhere.

Now let's get it on!

---

Wild Card Round

Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Three out of four first round match-up correct? We're breaking new ground here in the JBorhood. I'd boast a little, except for the tiny, minuscule, mostly insignificant detail that I picked the one team that lost to make it to the Super Bowl. But then, it wouldn't be a JBorhood Prognostication Extravaganza! without comically awful predictions. Remember, I'm the same guy that picked the Giants to lose all four playoff games last year. I have serious low standards to uphold.

Divisional Round
Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Chargers

The Steelers defense is good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come see how good the Steelers defense is. (For those of you who've never seen Anchorman -- *cough* Trenton *cough* -- I apologize for the previous joke, since it makes no sense to you. But, seriously, if you haven't seen Anchorman at this point, I have no sympathy for you.)

How good, you...err, I ask?

Their opponents gained less then 300 yards in every game but one.

That's not good, that's freaky-deeky. (Feel free to use this term when describing the Pittsburgh defense to your friends.)

I know that San Diego has talent.
I know that they just knocked off my Super Bowl favorite.
I know they're a trendy upset pick.

I also know that the front seven of Pittsburgh is too big, too good and too fast to let mighty mite Darren Sproles and the Chargers offense develop any rhythm or consistency.

I envision a loooooooooooooooooooooooong day for Chargers QB Phillip Rivers.

TITANS over Ravens

The Titans are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

The Ravens are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

If you can differentiate between these teams, you're a better man then I.

(I would like to take a moment and pat myself on the back for discussing the Ravens without pointing out Joe Flacco's glaring inadequacies. An entire paragraph without mentioning that he'll be working at a IHOP in three years. One detailed discussion sans any cracks about how he couldn't hit the Ocean if he was standing on the Beach. I'm making real progress here.)

GIANTS over Eagles

The Giants pair a well balanced offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

The Eagles pair a well balance offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

If you can differentiate between these team, you're a better man then I.

PANTHERS over Cardinals

The Cardinals do two things well: Stop the run and pass the football. That is why I picked them to knock off Atlanta, who primarily runs the football and struggles to stop the pass.

The Panthers also primarily run the football, however, they do not struggle to stop the pass. In fact, the strength of their defense is applying pressure to opposing quarterbacks and shutting down opposing passing games. Couple that with an 8-0 record at home, the Cardinals 0-5 record in road games on the East Coast, and the fact that the Cardinals were outscored 102 to 202 in those games and you have the easiest pick of the day.

(It is worth noting, however, that the Cardinals had the ball at the end of the game with a chance to win in a 23-27 Week 8 loss at Carolina.)

Conference Championship Round (Detailed analysis to come 1/16/2009)
GIANTS over Panthers

The one thing the Panthers can't do is stop the run. Not good when you're facing the NFL's leading rushing team.

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers

Remember I said that the Steelers held every team but one to less then 300 yards? You know who that one team was?

That's right. The Titans.

Super Bowl (Detailed analysis to come in Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!)
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS

Giants vs. Titans?

#1 vs #2?

What can I say? Sometimes the NFLCS gets it right...

The Annual JBorhood Thankgiving Extravaganza! 2008

Some holiday festivities, like drinking hot buttered rum and watching A Christmas Story, deserve to become traditions. Others, like getting a sinus infection, taking NyQuil, passing out and locking your wife out of the apartment, not so much (see honey, isn't it a little funny when you read it in print?).

Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports.

(For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)

I believe society in general spends too much time discussing everything that's wrong with sports (the money, the egos, the unintentionally comedic and sexually suggestive 80's dance videos). On the contrary, I enjoy the opportunity to highlight and celebrate everything right about sports. With that in mind, I'd like to formally announce a new JBorhood Tradition: The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza!

Because what's a holiday without an absurdly long name?

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Ping Pong Balls

The best thing about the NBA is that one player can completely turn around a franchise.

Similarly, the worst thing about the NBA is that getting one of these players is almost impossible.

Not only do you have to get the first pick in the draft, which is determined through a bingo-type weighted lottery system where the number of ping-pong balls for a given team is inversely related to their total wins, you have to hope that a franchise player is available and that your GM isn't too much of a f***tard to draft them. (Please excuse my French, but if you pass up Chris Paul for Andrew Bogut there's no other word for you. In fact, even that might be too kind.) Consequently, a large number of NBA teams toil in the hopelessness of NBA purgatory: too good to get a decent draft pick, not good enough to compete for a title.

Last season, my beloved Bulls found themselves in this hopeless quagmire and I had no hope that they would extricate themselves from this hopeless cycle any time soon. Two days after my daughter was born, that all changed.

I sat in the recovery room with my wife and two day old daughter watching ESPN when the draft lottery came on. (FYI - A newborn wants only to eat, sleep and be held. Coincidentally, all three of these things are easily accomplished while sitting on a couch watching sports. Babies: more useful then you'd think...) I rubbed my baby's head for good luck and whispered a prayer to God. "God, if you let the Bulls win the lottery, I'll consider letting her date before the age of 35. Your move."

The Bulls were slated to get the 9th pick in the draft and had only had a 1.7% chance of one of their ping pong balls emerging from the lottery, so I resigned myself to disappointment and tried to get excited about the Bulls inevitable pick of Brook Lopez. (In my opinion, it's never good when your NBA Power Forward's name sounds like it should belong to a female beach volleyball player.) But, when David Stern opened the envelope for the ninth pick in the draft, the envelope did not say Chicago Bulls; it said Charlotte Bobcats, meaning the Bulls were assured of a top 3 pick.
I started to get more nervous and excited than I'd been since the day my child was born. I rubbed my baby's head again and said another prayer to God. "God, if you give the Bulls the number one pick, I'll consider letting her date before the ago of 25. Your move."

Suffice to say, God is of the opinion that my daughter should date before graduating from college. (Though we never clarified whether the dates had to be unsupervised...)

Flash forward 6-months, Derrick Rose is setting the NBA on fire, looking like a can't-miss superstar and the Bulls -- and their fans -- have a renewed sense of hope.

And none of it would have been possible without a little help from ping-pong balls (and God's liberal dating policies).

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Bernard Pollard

Bernard Pollard is single-handedly responsible for the craziest, most competitive NFL season in recent memory. When he barreled though the Patriots line, five minutes into the season and exploded Tom Brady's ACL, MCL, PCL (and probably a couple really cool CLs that I don't even know about), he effectively eliminated the NFL's one dominant team and turned the rest of the season into a complete crap shoot. Last year, 13 weeks into the season it was the Patriots and everyone else. This year...

• A staggering 21 of 32 teams have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. (My condolences to the Browns, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams.)
• 9 of the 12 potential NFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons.)
• 7 of the 9 potential AFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Dolphins and Bills)

Essentially, with only 4 weeks left in the season, anything is possible.

And none of it would have been possible without Bernard Pollard.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... The Perfect Excuse

Forget about the unconditional love, the excitement of new experiences, or the inexplicable wonder of each day. The best part about having a baby is that you can use them as the ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

Seriously, now that I have a kid, I have a built-in excuse to watch any sporting event at any time. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'd love to volunteer at the orphanage today, but I have to stay in and watch the Lakers...err, baby." The only difference between watching a game with a baby and watching a game without a baby is that you have to change diapers at half time. A small price to pay for unlimited sports watching privileges.

But using your baby as an excuse to watch sports is only the beginning. The only thing limiting the type of excuse for which you can use your baby is your imagination.

"Sorry, I'm late. You know. The baby."

"Did someone fart? Oh, baby, that's terrible!"

"Sorry for not shaving or showering in over two weeks and wearing a bathing suit and a T-shirt to work. I have a baby."

"Sorry for starting at your breasts. I have a baby."

"I'd like a rum and coke and a shot of Jaeger. Oh, don't worry. The Jaeger is for the baby."

If I end up having another kid, I think I'll just streamline the process and name him "His Fault." "Oh, I'm sorry I ran over your Grandmother. It was His Fault." Now if you excuse me, I need to talk my wife out of signing those divorce papers.

I'm sorry for making an inappropriate joke, honey. You know. The baby...

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Greg Alexander

After three years of Colt Brennan football, I began to take the quarterback position for granted. I grew fat off the lamb of 50 point outings and accustomed to jaw-dropping 30-yard strikes hitting the hands of wide receivers in stried. I had conversations about my disappointment after "sub-par" 300 yard, 3 touchdown performances. I figured that, even after Colt left, someone would come assume the throne as the rightful heir to the mantle of UH Quarterbacks. Hell, even I could throw for 250 and 2 TD's in that offense. Right?

WRONG.

In their first three games against Division I opponents, UH Quarterbacks threw one touchdown pass and 12 interceptions. Compare that to Colt Brennan, who in 2006 threw 13 interceptions THE ENTIRE SEASON. (It also bears mentioning that he accompanied those INTs with an NCAA record 58 touchdowns.)

After watching erstwhile starter Inoke Funaki attempt to set offense football back a century against Boise State, I inquired about the possibility of petitioning for lifetime NCAA eligibility for Colt Breannan. (Seriously, some guys are just born to play college sports and Colt is one of them. Why waste his talent on the bench in Washington when he can resume his rightful place behind center for the UH Warriors for the next 20 years. Similarly, the NCAA needs to grant lifetime eligibility to Tyler Hansborough. I refuse to sit idly by while he becomes our generations Christian Laettner.)

I told myself that the offense was simply undergoing growing pains following the departure of June Jones.

I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.

I did anything I could to make UH football watchable, but nothing worked.

Nothing, that is, until Greg "I-don't-care-that-you're-not-really-that-good-you-look-like-a-combination-of-Payton-Manning-and-Jesus-compared-to-the-other-quarterbacks" Alexander took over. After taking over the starting job in Game 8, Alexander did not throw an interception until the 4th quarter of Game 12. For the more mathematically inclined JBors, that is a 2000% decrease in the number of interceptions thrown in comparison to his predecessors. For those of you not so mathematically inclined, that's a good thing.

He may not be perfect. He may not have a laser rocket arm. He may not be Colt Brennan. Hell, he may not even be Timmy Chang. But Greg Alexander can throw a football down field and occasionally have it caught by other players, most of whom play for our team and for that, I am thankful.

Trust me. If you watched the first half of the University of Hawaii's season, you'd be thankful too.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Iowa Football

Two years in a row, college football fans watched a Big Ten team embarrass themselves in the National Title Game, both times rendering the contest virtually unwatchable. This year, that scenario threatened to occur for a third straight year as Penn State marched toward an unbeaten season.

Even though Penn State often struggled against mediocre competition and did not have a single signature non-conference win on their schedule -- No, beating Oregon State does not qualify as a "signature win" no matter what USC fans tell you. You lose to Stanford, I stop taking you seriously. End of story. -- the feel-good story of iconic coach Joe Paterno's return to prominence made them a virtual lock for the title game if they finished the season undefeated. After they narrowly edge perennial Big Ten powerhouse Ohio State, only Iowa stood in between them and a date with destiny.

Truth be told, I already had a soft spot in my heart for the Hawkeyes because both my parents graduated from the University of Iowa. Even still, heading into the match-up with Penn State, I put the Hawkeyes chances of victory somewhere between the possibility of peace in the Middle East and the likelihood that Catherine Zeta-Jones will one day return my undying affection (I'll let you surmise which one of those is more likely). Iowa has a solid football team -- good defense, strong running game -- but the list of big Iowa football victories is about the same size as the list of Matt LeBlanc's hit movies. Their last marquee game involved a 38-17 drubbing at the hands of USC in the 2003 Orange Bowl. (Note: It should say something that their last marquee game occurred in 2003.)

Yet, there they were. Making an improbable drive, capped off by an unbelievable 3rd and 10 conversion by a Quarterback who didn't assume the starting role until the 6th game of the season. Now, rather than brace for another Big 10 drubbing in the national championship game, college football fans are getting excited for a Alabama/Florida vs. Texas/Oklahoma showdown of the Titans.

And none of it would have been possible without the Iowa Hawkeyes.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... A Beautiful, Happy, Healthy Baby Girl

Nothing that has occurred in my life up to this point could have prepared me for the joy of my little baby smiling at me whenever I walk into a room. I love her so much and wish I could spend every moment of every day with her. I'm thankful for a lot of things to do with sports this year, but none quite compare with how thankful I am for my baby girl.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis

There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.

No one, except, of course, me.

I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.

(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)

Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans

No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.

No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.

No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)

No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.

But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.

Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys

I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.

Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football

I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )

Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football

If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?

Credit Approved: Derrick Rose

I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)

Credit Denied: Greg Oden

Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers

They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.

Credit Denied: Boston Celtics

Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.

The reason?

No James Posey.

(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)

Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets

Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs

You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.

Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies

No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.

Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?

Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays

I know, I know. They lost.

But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.

Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs

Some things just speak for themselves...