First Annual JBorhood MLB Preview Podcast Extravaganza! 2010

Do you want find out how trading for the worst pitcher in baseball can actually improve a team?

Would you like to know the over/under for times Javier Vazquez cries on the mound?

Are you curious about how to express your affection for Gordon Beckham without sounding racist?

Then sit back, relax, enjoy a hearty helping of vegan cookies, and enjoy the First Annual JBorhood MLB Playoff Podcast Extravaganza! 2010, featuring JBorhood podcast regular, Matt Kolsky.

(Note: The podcast was originally over an hour long, so I split it into two parts -- Part 1: Overall 2010 Outlook, Part 2: Predicting the division winners. Both are equally bizarre.)

JBorhood 2010 MLB Preview Podcast - Part 1

JBorhood 2010 MLB Preview Podcast - Part 2

If you hate the Yankees, then the terrorists win

There are many things wrong with sports:

The lack of a playoff in college football.

The NFL overtime system that allows teams to lose games without ever touching the ball in the extra period.

The designated hitter. (Use it in both leagues, or take it away. I don't care which it is.)

The Winter Olympics reluctance to embrace naked figure skating.

The LA Clippers.

The Oakland Raiders.

Hockey, in general.

But one thing that isn't wrong with sports, yet often finds itself lumped in with the rest of the major sports issues of our time, is the New York Yankees, which is patently ridiculous. A travesty. An absurd fantasy. Because there's nothing wrong with the New York Yankees.

That's right. You heard me.

There's nothing wrong with the New York Yankees.

In fact, I'll take it one step further. The Yankees are one of the greatest examples of excellence in modern history (notice I did not say modern sports history) and deserve our praise, adulation, and respect.

You can be jealous of the Yankees. You can be bitter about their success. But you can't deny their excellence.

The goal of professional sports is simple: win. And no one wins like the Yankees. Since the advent of the World Series in 1903, the Yankees have won a staggering 26 of 105 possible World Series titles, almost once every four years. In comparison, the next team on the list, the St. Louis Cardinals (excuse me while I vomit in my mouth), have only won 10 World Series. (I say "only" like I wouldn't give my right testicle for a Cubs World Series victory...)

Even if you only count titles after the league expanded and switched to an expanded playoff format in 1961, the Yankees still lead all teams with six World Series championships, a rate of nearly one every six years.

[Friend of the Hood and die hard Oakland A's fan, Mike Oppenheim, demanded that I mention that the Oakland A's have won the second most titles (4), during this period. I honored his request, if only to provide him a momentary oasis from the sad realization that the Athletics have become a glorified minor league feeder system for the rest of Major League Baseball. You're welcome, Mike.]

If the Yankees finish off the Phillies this year and capture their 27th World Series title, they will have won more championships than the next three teams combined.

The Yankees have the best winning percentage of any team in history. Nearly twice as many division titles (40) as any other team (LA Dodgers, 22). The most home runs of any team in history, even more stunning considering the Cubs, Braves, Cardinals, Reds, Pirates, Giants, Phillies, and Dodgers have all played nearly 2,500 more games than the Yankees. In fact, despite this nearly 2,500 game disadvantage, the Yankees have actually won more games than Philadelphia (in case Phillies fans didn't have enough of an inferiority complex heading into the World Series).

Since New York changed their name from the Highlanders to the Yankees in 1913, no other team has won at least 100 games more than 8 times. The Yankees have done it on 19 separate occasions.

Of the 51 players that won five or more World Series, only 17 won a title with a team other than the Yankees, and only five won a majority of their titles for a team other than New York.

The Yankees win so much, it's news when they don't win. People assume their current eight year World Series drought must be due to a curse. (I hate to break it to everyone, but eight years isn't a curse. Hell, it isn't even a hex. The Yankees have almost twice as many postseason wins (17) during their so-called "curse", than the Cubs have had since 1945 (9). Please excuse me while I drown 101 years of Cubs related sorrow in a large glass of Jack Daniels.)

Yet, the more the Yankees win, the more people hate them, the more people call out for a salary cap, and the more people say they're ruining baseball.

Yes, the Yankees play in the biggest market in baseball (though it should be noted that they share this market with another team) and they make the most money. But it's not like other teams don't have the resources to compete. With apologies to the Marlins, Rays, Royals, Padres, and Athletics, every team in the Major Leagues plays in a big enough market to support a winning team.

But the Yankees don't just make the most money, they also spend the most money. In fact, they also spend a larger portion of their revenue on their players than any other franchise.

In 2007, the average team spent 45 percent of their budget on players. The Yankees spent 57 percent

In other words, the Yankees give more to their team and less to their owners than any other team in baseball. And isn't that what fans really want?

The real tragedies are franchises like Colorado (32 percent), Arizona (32 percent), Pittsburgh (27 percent), Washington (24 percent), Florida (23 percent) and Tampa Bay (17 percent) whose owners treat their teams like a business, rather than a potential winner. While sports fans nationwide bitch, moan, and complain about the supposed "Evil Empire", these owners laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, the Steinbrenners do everything in their power to continue the Yankee tradition of winning and field a competitive team.

America was founded on the ideals of capitalism. The notion that the strong, the creative, and the hardworking should be rewarded for their talents and abilities. It is this very tenet that has allowed America to thrive, prosper, and remain a world power.

No team in baseball, let alone any other sports franchise in the United States, better represents this most American ideal better than the Yankees.

The issue here is not whether the Yankees have a monetary advantage or unfairly exploit that advantage in their favor - they do.

But you can't hold a team responsible for doing everything in their power within the given set of rules to maximize their success on the field. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame Major League Baseball for a failure to foster a more competitive set of rules? And if Major League Baseball is guilty, then isn't that an indictment of American professional sports leagues in general? I put it to you, JBorhood - isn't this an indictment of our entire capitalist-driven American society?

Well, you can say whatever you want about the Yankees, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America.

[Cue the Star Spangled Banner, exit stage right, and give me the Yankees in 6. Play ball!]

World Baseball. It's Classic!

I started the JBorhood to accomplish three goals:

1. To clearly, rationally, and intelligently translate the idiosyncrasies of the sports world and explain their relevance to everyday life.
2. To highlight and poke fun at the natural absurdities of an industry that provides millions of dollars and unrelenting exposure to immature, self aggrandizing narcissists.
3. To get laid more than a tourist at a luau.

While I've successfully accomplished two of these goals, I have not spent nearly enough time clearly, rationally, and intelligently translating sports idiosyncrasies. (What, you thought I hadn't poked enough fun lately?) The sports world provides such a perfect venue for absurdity that it's easy to develop a myopic focus on the comic failings of athletes or, as loyal JBor Bootleg describes it, "shooting fish in a barrel". As cultured and erudite members of the JBorhood, you know that I strive to rise above the general morass of the blogosphere and would never degrade my intellectual integrity by shooting fish in a barrel. No, here in the JBorhood, we explode the barrel, torch the remains, and tastefully laugh as the charred remains slowly burn to the ground. Because it's important to be tasteful.

It's also important to provide an equal and adequate spotlight for the positive instances in sports, which is why I want to take a moment to highlight a truly spectacular event that kicks off this week:
The World Baseball Classic.

The World Baseball Classic is a 16 team international baseball tournament that occurs once every three years. It splits Major League Baseball's biggest stars and other international players into teams based on their country of origin and lets them fight it out for world baseball supremacy. It's essentially the World Cup of Baseball. And it rocks.

In order to get you as excited for the World Baseball Classic as I am, I came up with the Top 15 16 Reasons to Love the 2009 World Baseball Classic. (Much love to JBor Jewfunk for suggesting reason #16.)

16. It gives you a chance to cheer for Canada's Stubby Clap (no, really), who likely has the worst name in Baseball History.

15. It let's us watch a Domincan Republic Team where the second best shortstop in the world isn't even the best shortstop on his team. (Sorry Jose, but you're no Hanley.)

14. It provides an opportunity to hear American announcers butcher Japanese player's names. "Now stepping up to bat, Koh-suck-ee Fuck-u-Dome!"

13. It provides American viewers an uncensored glimpse into foreign sensibilities (e.g. The Chinese fans praying they will not be publically shamed when audibly cheering for a score).

12. It gives Albert Pujols another chance to suffer a career ending injury and stop haunting my dreams. (Author's Note: Albert Pujols has decided to pull-out of the WBC, solidifying his position as the new Brett Favre for Chicago sports fans.)

11. It features a Chinese Taipei team whose average height and weight is about 5' 3", 145, making it the first team we can confidently say is not using steroids.

10. It finally gives an overdue spotlight to the powerhouse Italian team, led by major league superstars Jason Grilli, Mark DiFelice, and Chris Denorfia. (If you haven't heard of them, that makes two of us.)

9. It offers the possibility that the United States and Canada will square off in the most Caucasian sporting event in the history of the world.

8. It opens the possibility for the Cuban team to forfeit the championship when half their team defects during the seventh inning stretch.

7. It gives another reason for Japanese and Korean people to hate each other. (In case you're not aware, Japanese and Koreans harbor a bitter hatred for one another. It's like the Israelis and Palestinians, only less violent, more self-righteous, and with an inability to admit that numerous aspects of their cultures bear a striking similarity.)

6. It gives us a chance to cheer on the Netherlands for a reason that doesn't involve their liberal stance on drugs or prostitution.

5. It let's us know that they play baseball in South Africa. No, really. http://web.worldbaseballclassic.com/rosters/index.jsp?team=rsa&season=2009

4. It finally provides conclusive proof that Andruw Jones is too fat to play baseball. If you can't crack the starting lineup of a Netherlands (Jones was born in Curacao, a Dutch territory, which counts as part of the Netherlands according to WBC rules.) team that includes world beaters like Bryan Engelhardt, Greg Halman, Gene Kingsale, Danny Rombley, and my personal favorite, Dirk Van Klooster, I think it's safe to say that you're too fat to play baseball.

3. It provides Asians a chance to dominate an event that doesn't revolve around math, science, or eating hot dogs.

2. It gives us a chance to watch ARod fail in the clutch for another country. (How do you say "choke" in spanish?) (Author's Note: Comically, ARod buckeled under the pre-tournament pressure and suffered a hip injury that will prevent him from choking...err, playing in the WBC.)

1. And, finally, it gives Cubs fans the opportunity to cheer for a team that might actually win something.

Play Ball!

Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis

There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.

No one, except, of course, me.

I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.

(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)

Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans

No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.

No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.

No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)

No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.

But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.

Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys

I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.

Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football

I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )

Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football

If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?

Credit Approved: Derrick Rose

I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)

Credit Denied: Greg Oden

Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers

They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.

Credit Denied: Boston Celtics

Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.

The reason?

No James Posey.

(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)

Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets

Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs

You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.

Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies

No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.

Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?

Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays

I know, I know. They lost.

But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.

Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs

Some things just speak for themselves...

(Don't) Stop Believing

Something strange happened today.

After Ryan Dempster proved unable to locate the plate with a compass, a GPS navigation system, a Sherpa, and a copy of Google-fucking-Maps on his iPhone;

After James Loney turned into Barry Bonds;

After Manny Ramirez turned into, well, I suppose he always was Manny Ramirez;

After a 40-year-old Greg Maddox finished off the Cubs like a 20-year-old Mariano Rivera;

After Cubs relievers decided that appearing in a playoff game without surrendering a run is so 1908;

After I decided to leave work to at 3 in the afternoon -- when the game was in the eighth inning here in Hawaii -- because I needed a beer;

After the bartender refused to serve me because I didn't have my ID;

After the bartender realized that I was far more likely to throw myself off a building then give her a citation for serving alcohol to someone without ID;

After I pounded the beer in under two seconds;

After the bartender asked me if I was OK;

After I told her that I would be better if she poured me another beer;

After I finished that beer faster then the first;

After she told me not to tip her and have a safe drive home;

After I got home and popped open the bottle of scotch; (Actually, shortly after opening the bottle of scotch...)

Because at that moment, I gave up on the Cubs. I decided that they had no chance of beating the Dodgers; No chance of winning the World Series; No chance of breaking the Curse of the Billy Goat; No chance of ending a century's worth of frustration. At that moment, when all hope was lost, I realized...

The Cubs have a chance.

Not a great chance, more of shot in the dark really, but a chance nonetheless. (So you're telling me there's a chance...) You see, for the Cubs to finally break their curse, they need to lose games like today's. They need things to go wrong. They need everyone to finally give up on them. Because, as soon as everyone gives up, then the Cubs have nothing to lose. And that would make them dangerous.

For the United States hockey team to beat Russia, they needed to lose an exhibition match to the Russians 10-3 and have everyone lose faith.

For the Red Sox to break the curse of the Bambino, they needed the Yankees to go up three games to none and have everyone write off their chances.

For the United States to break a nine year drought in the Ryder Cup, they needed to lose Tiger Woods.

For the Giants to beat the Patriots, they needed everyone to debate whether the Patriots were the greatest team in NFL history instead of discussing whether the Giants had a chance.

To overcome incredible adversity, each of these teams needed to hit rock bottom. They needed to lose everything. But as soon as that happened, as soon as everyone lost faith, as soon as people counted them out, they rallied around the belief that no one believed in them and they found a way to believe in themselves.

So I say stop believing in the Cubs. In fact, tell your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your uncles, your co-workers, you congressman, your senators, the hot barista at Starbucks, hell, even that crazy guy at the bus station, to stop believing in the Cubs. Tell everyone who will listen. Tell 'em even if they won't listen. Make it your goal to make as many people as you possibly can stop believing in the Cubs.

Because, maybe, just maybe, if the Cubs have nothing to lose, they'll finally be able to gain everything.

EAMUS CATULI!
(Go Cubs!)

A Midseason Night's Dream

Or, as I affectionately refer to it, the "Oh crap, between my trip to visit my brother, the end of March Madness, the culmination of The Jimmy and the birth of my child, we're already at the All-Star Break and I haven't written anything about the 2008 Major League Baseball season" Prognostication Extravaganza! 2008!

I dropped the ball a little.

Ok, I dropped the ball a lot.

I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.

So, mea culpa - mea culpa - mea maxima culpa, I promise you nothing but hardcore porn…err, writing from here on out. Not exactly lurid and only mildly sensational, but you can always count on the "naked" truth (and between you and me, that's as naked as we all want me to get).

Now, before I take this pornography joke one step too far, let's recap what's happened so far:

A reformed crackhead – Josh Hamilton – leads the race for America League MVP.

A team that previously toiled in baseball purgatory – Tampa Bay Devil Rays – renounced Satan (It's just the Rays, now) and rose to the top of the American League East.

Jason Giambi turned into Ron Jeremy and revitalized his career. (If you haven't seen his 70's porn star mustache or read about his gold thong, do yourself a favor and check this out: Jason "Ron Jeremy" Giambi; Jason Giambi's Magic Gold Thong)

A guy with a horribly unfortunate last name – Justin Duchscherer (yes, it's pronounced like you think it is) – is leading the Major Leagues in ERA and has more wins (10) then Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, and Greg Maddux. Combined.

Pat Burrell, Dan Uggla, Carlos Quentin, and Ryan Ludwick (don't worry, I don't know who they are either) all have more home runs and RBI then Alex Rodriguez.
(A quick aside: I had an internal debate with whether to say "more RBI" or "more RBIs". Technically, "more RBI" is correct since RBI stand for "runs batted in", unfortunately, it makes me sound like a pretentious Duchscherer. I finally decided that I needed to stay true to my roots as a pretentious wanker and went with the Duchschy option.)

Finally, Hell's inhabitants browsed the winter collection at JC Penny (the only department store who offers shipping to the underworld) and large numbers of North American swine reviewed their pilot manuals as the Chicago Cubs surged to the best record in baseball.

(Seriously, I stop writing about baseball for three months and the league goes crazy. I feel like baseball decided to punish me for my absence.)

Instead of trying to recount the absolutely absurdity of the aforementioned aberrations, I want to take the opportunity (no matter how late or, frankly, ridiculous), to offer my original 2008 Major League Baseball Prognostications. In order to prove that my predictions are indeed my original predictions, which I made before the season, I decided to include my revised, midseason predictions to illustrate, once again, how foolish I am. (Yes, I am well aware that I need very little help in this regard.)

WARNING: The following section contains actual sports information and analysis. I know, very rare around these parts, but the JBorhood is a sports periodical after all.

(That's right: A periodical. The JBorhood is NOT a blog. Blogs are what 14-year-old girls use to talk about the way their latest pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans makes them feel about global warming. The JBorhood, on the other hand, is an in-depth, erudite sports periodical, a weekly sampling of sports sustenance, if you will. The JBorhood is to sports blogs, like pancetta is to bacon. See, I told you I'm a pretentious wanker…)

AL Playoff Predictions (Original)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels of the Greater Anaheim Area in Southern California of the Western United States (Seriously? You're from Anaheim. Get over it.)
AL Central Winner: Detroit Tigers
AL Wild Card Winner: Cleveland Indians

AL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels
AL Central Winner: Chicago White Sox
AL Wild Card Winner: Tampa Bay Rays

For those of you that picked the White Sox and/or the Devil Rays to make, nay, compete for the playoffs, all I can say is pass the bong. All the pre-season chatter this year centered around Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis and the new-look Tigers and whether or not Cleveland could take the next step. Flash forward to midseason and the White Sox and Twins lead the AL Central, while the Tigers languish in third with a sub .500 record and the Cleveland Indians discuss summer vacation plans and mojito recipes, having already given up on the season and traded their star pitcher. Meanwhile, the Yankees, A's and Rangers (Yes, you read that right: The Rangers.) are battling with the Twins and Rays for the Wild Card in, what I'm calling, the most boring playoff race in American League history.

I take a few months off and the Twins, Rays, A's and Rangers get good? What's next, the Cubs in first place?

I'm so glad you asked…

NL Playoff Predictions (Original)

NL East Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
NL West Winner: Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: New York Mets

NL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

NL East Winner: New York Mets
NL West Winner: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: Milwaukee Brewers

Not only are the Cubs in first place in their division, they have the best record in baseball. I feel like I need to pass the bong. As far as things that I never thought I'd say in the same sentence, "Cubs" and "best record in baseball" ranks up there with "JBorhood" and "tempered restraint" or "Battlefield Earth" and "Oscar winning performance". The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…

You know, maybe it's just that kind of year.

(Yes, I am going to convenient gloss over the fact that I changed all of my first half predictions, save my homer pick of the Cubs. Thanks for asking.)

AL Award Winners (Original)

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (Detroit)
AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera (Detroit)
AL Rookie of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury (Boston)

AL Award Winners (Revised)

AL Cy Young: Roy Halladay (Toronto)
AL MVP: Josh Hamilton (Texas)
AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay)

My pre-season picks look about as good as Detroit's postseason chances right now. Verlander decided to start the year off with an ERA of 6.60 in May, Miguel Cabrera decided to spend more time and Krispy Kreme then the ball park and Ellsbury, well, Ellsbury's been good (.340 OBP, 35 Stolen Bases), but Evan Longoria has taken the league by storm. Aside from a name that makes my wife giggle and makes you think of Tony Parker's wife more then a baseball player, Longoria has done nothing since he got called up to the big leagues. Nothing, that is, but hit. Even though he didn't get called up until mid-April, Longoria is tied for 14th in the AL in home runs, tied for 18th in RBI and 12th in slugging percentage (how hard you hit the ball, for you non-baseball fans who have bravely soldered on), confidently staking his claim as the preeminent Longoria whose name begins with Eva in the United States.

NL Award Winners (Original)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: David Wright (New York)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

NL Award Winners (Revised)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: Albert Pujols (St. Louis)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

Wait...Decent predictions from the JBorhood? Even a stopped clock is Wright twice a day.

…
…
…

(Sorry, that joke is terrible. Even by my standards…)

Before I embarrass myself any further (if that's even possible), it's probably in everyone's best interest to just call it a day and get ready for the second half of the season and Rich Harden's impending visit with James Andrews...

See you next Friday!

JBorhood Quick Hit #2

First and foremost, congratulations to Shaun (WWTCD) for winning the third annual Jimmy (in truth, it's the first year we've called it the Jimmy, but I'm down with revisionist history). I'm working on doling out the final awards, but I want to make sure I don't miss any of the good, bad or ugly picks from the final brackets so I need to take a little more time. I'll have the awards up this weekend and notify all the participants via email. In the mean time, I leave you with this hilarious vignette concerning a fantasy baseball website.

Now wait, before those of you who don't care about baseball or fantasies leave (see, now you don't want to go, right?), I want to assure you that the following comedy takes absolutely no baseball knowledge to understand. That's right. Equal opportunity comedy here at the JBorhood. It's affirmative action for the wanna be sports fan.

So, I'm in a fantasy baseball league, which, for those of you who don't know, is a collection of men who form a league where they select actual baseball players to form teams and then use these teams as an excuse to berate one another. Good times. But this isn't just any league. No, this is a twenty team, gigantic monstrosity of a league that people take INCREDIBLY seriously. There's nothing at stake. No money, prizes, beer, women. Just pride. But that doesn't stop people from working themselves into a frenzy over anything that bugs them.

The current issue at stake is the website we use to keep track of our teams. We just moved from an old website, which sucked, but had a number of good features, to a new website that looks pretty and has flashy colors, but makes you want to set yourself on fire when you use it. I think the designers of the website showed three possible versions to three focus groups and chose the one where the users gouged their eyes out after usage, instead of the one where the users hung themselves or simultaneously drank poison kool-aid. (I'm only partially kidding.) This new website has lead to some spirited discussion about whether or not we should move back to the old crappy website or stay with the new, hilariously awful site. I'll spare you the majority of the details, but I wanted to share one managers thoughts on what the slogans should be for the old (TQ Stats) and new (Fanball) sites.

(From the mind of my Mike Oppenheim)

TQ: If you leave, you'll miss us like your kinda shitty ex girlfriend who gave decent head.

TQ: We promise to agitate you just a little less than the rest!

TQ: Where the bare minimum is considered a standard of excellence!

Fanball: You won't believe what six dollars will get you. Seriously, you won't believe it!

Fanball: we promise nothing, and offer nothing in return!

Fanball: Where the shit hits the fan!

Fanball: A retarded monkey with epilepsy could design a better functioning site! We went with a retarded genetically engineered chicken instead!

Bravo, Mike. Bravo.

(If you enjoyed that tirade, you can catch more of Mike's glib witticisms at www.mikeyopp.com. He's going to kill me for using that post as an intro, so please go read his stuff. It's great. I promise.)

2007 MLB Playoff Primer

Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it.

I mumbled the mantra under my breath all day as I struggled to decide whether to write about the Cubs and the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs or crawl under a rock. On one hand, I wanted to continue the J-Borhood tradition of hysterically bad predictions -- I’ve incorrectly picked the last two Super Bowl winners and only guessed 2 of 7 series winners from last season’s MLB playoffs – on the other hand, I was not sure I could handle the pressure of potentially cursing the Cubs playoff hopes. That’s when I had an epiphany:

How could I possible jinx the most cursed franchise of all time?

Any possible jinx that I placed on the Cubs would pale in comparison to the Curse of the Billy Goat and 99 years of combined futility. Moreover, maybe the added gravity from my curse would cause all the negative energy of the Cubs to implode like a black hole and explode outward in a supernova of good luck that ultimately propels the Cubs to the World Series Championship! (I’m a Cubs fan. Let me have my delusions.)

At the end of the day, I decided that writing about the Cubs winning the World Series is about as close as I will ever get to experiencing a true Cubs championship, so I better take the opportunity while I can. With that in mind, sit back, relax and enjoy my list of 20 reasons to watch the 2007 MLB playoffs and my 2007 MLB playoff prognostications.Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a rock before all the good ones get taken.

TOP 20 REASONS TO WATCH THE 2007 MLB PLAYOFFS

20. The potential for Yankees/Red Sox Armageddon III

The never ending Yankees/Red Sox coverage is like a train wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t avert your eyes. Even though the prospect of a week of non-stop Yankees/Red Sox coverage makes non-Boston and New York fans nauseous, Yankees/Red Sox is still the best rivalry in sports. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to puke.

19. The potential for an Angles vs. Indians ALCS

Because, contrary to what ESPN would have you believe, good baseball is played west of the Appalachians.

18. Curse Watch 2007

Last time the Cubs were in the post-season, Fox had a computerized goat run across the screen before every commercial break. In preparation for this year’s round the clock Cubs curse coverage, I created a handy Cubs playoff drinking game:

Every time an announcer mentions the Cubs history of futility: Take a drink
Every time they mention the Curse of the Billy goat: Take a shot
Every time they mention Steve Bartman: Start to take a drink, but spill it on yourself and blame it on the person sitting next to you.
Every time the Cubs botch a play and the announcers attribute it to a curse: Chug a beer
Every time the Cubs blow a routine play that causes them to lose the game: Slam head repeatedly into table and remember why you vowed to never watch Cubs playoff baseball again after 2003.

Cubs playoff baseball, catch the excitement!

17. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck

Oh wait, that was for my other list: Top 20 Reasons NOT to watch the MLB playoffs…

16. Seven new playoff teams

No Tigers. No A’s. No Twins. No Padres. No Cardinals. No Mets. No Dodgers. Who says parity isn’t alive and well in baseball?

15. Youth aboundsArizona’s starting lineup features more rookies (Chris Young, Justin Upton, Mark Reynolds, Connor Jackson, Stephen Drew), then veterans. The Rockies have two rookie starters, a rookie shortstop and a lineup of numerous three years players. Even veteran stalwarts like the Red Sox (Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, John Papelbon), Yankees (Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy) and Cubs (Ryan Theriot, Carlos Marmol, Mike Fontenot) have rookies and second year players making huge contributions. With all the quality young players in the post-season, a few are bound to make history. For those of you with more morbid senses of humor, a few are also bound to irreparably damage their confidence. Either way, you can't lose!

14. The Phillies Hitting

Speed. Power. Patience. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

13. The Phillies Pitching

Which is a good thing, given that their starting staff consists of an injured ace, an old guy, a rookie and a journeymen. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

(At this point I like to mention an awe-inspiring talent of one member of each team in the playoffs, but I just realized that I don’t know anything about any member of the Rockies. Seriously. With that in mind…)

12. The Rockies ability to win without any recognizable players

11. Joe Borowski pitching. In the playoffs.

10. Vlad’s ability to hit a pitch four feet off the plate.

9. Jimmy Rollin’s Speed

8. Joba Chamberlain’s Heat

7. Joba Chamberlain’s Name

6. Brandon Webb’s Sinker

5. Big Papi’s Swagger

4. Carlos Zambrano’s Temper

3. The fact that the Cubs are in the playoffs

2. The Cubs eventual meltdown (At least you know it’ll be memorable…)

1. What would happen if the Cubs did not melt down

2007 MLB PLAYOFF PROGNOSTICATION

Division Series

American League
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels

I’d like to say, for the record, that I hope this doesn’t happen. That said, I can’t see it any other way, due to the unfortunate matchups. If American League Baseball was rock-paper-scissors then Yankees beat Indians, Indians beat Red Sox, Red Sox beat Angels, and Angels beat Yankees. The Red Sox own Angels ace, John Lackey (1-4 with a 7+ ERA against the Red Sox) and the Indians lack the offensive firepower to exploit the Yankees poor pitching staff. Sad, but true.

Get ready, because Armageddon is coming.

National League
Cubs over Diamondbacks
Phillies over Rockies

I spent the last three days trying to figure out how the Diamondback won 90 games. I found nothing. They have one player, Eric Byrnes, an Oakland castoff, who hits above .300 and only one starting pitcher, Brandon Webb, who consistently comes to play. I’m starting to wonder if they poison the water in the opponents dugout… On the other side, I think it’s a complete toss up. The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and the Phillies made a historical comeback to win the National League East. The Phillies have better hitting and the Rockies have better pitching, but the Phillies have home field advantage. Plus, my parents next door neighbor is a die-hard Phillies fan and I promised him I’d pick the Phillies.

League Championship Series

American League
Red Sox over Yankees

Personally, I think the Yankees have the recent emotional edge, which gives them the slight upper hand. But I picked them last year and they lost in the first round. Advantage, Red Sox.

National League
Cubs over Phillies

The Phillies scare me. They have the perfect strong hitting, weak pitching setup that gives the Cubs fits. But this is my blog, damn it. GO CUBS!

World Series
Cubs over Red Sox

Recent history has taught me that the Cubs are a million times more likely to implode in catastrophic, historical fashion then win the World Series. But I feel like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when Lauren Holly tells him that they have a billion-to-one chance of ever getting together…

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME, THERE’S A CHANCE!

GO CUBS!