What Jersey Shore taught me about UH Hoops

I watched my first episode of MTV's Jersey Shore on Monday.

Oh. My. Lord.

I'd often heard the show discussed. I had a vague familiarity with the various characters. I thought I knew what to expect.

I did not.

I was under the mistaken impression that Jersey Shore was a TV show when, in actuality, it is a human science experiment, like Bio Sphere sans the Sphere. It answers the question, "What happens when you take eight self-absorbed, image obsessed, testosterone fueled (that includes the women) alcoholics with liberal attitudes towards performance enhancing drugs, drop them in a house together in the epicenter of misogynist hedonism and provide them unlimited access to alcohol?"

The significance of the results is lost in translation. You have to actually sit down and experience Jersey Shore to understand the unbelievable amount of bizarre humanity packed into one sixty minute dumpster fire of hyper-reality.

Every episode delivers a staggering number of cultural insights that have to be seen to be believed.

...like the importance of the fist pump and how, when properly executed, it can take a party to new heights.

...or that you can buy hair gel by the pallet.

...that with a hot tub, charisma, nice abs and enough alcohol, you can achieve anything.

...that sausage and peppers is correctly pronounced "sah-sedge and peh-pas".

...that performance enhancing drugs aren't exclusively for men anymore.

...what a Snooki is and its incredible ability to create chaos in the midst of calm.

...that my clothes need approximately 247 percent more glitter

...and that the eventual downfall of civilization is less eventual than I thought.

If your level of pop culture naivety has sufficiently shielded you from this reality television show / cultural phenomenon, I cannot adequately describe the magnitude of exaggerated humanity on display in Jersey Shore. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you and you certainly wouldn't understand the subtle beauty of it. Which is the exact same thought I had at last Saturday's University of Hawaii men's basketball game.

The current collection of UH men's basketball player's aren't just a team, they're a phenomenon. You have to see them in person to understand how good they are and, more importantly, how good they will be. UH has had many better teams, but they haven't had a collection of young exciting talent like this since Bruce O'Neil and Rick Patino were paying players in the 70's.

They're still raw, figuring out how to play together. But in the harmonious moments - which are becoming more and more frequent - when everything clicks...

Oh. My. Lord.

They're not just good, they're scary. Despite their solid, if unspectacular 18-10 record, and current fourth place standing in the Western Athletic Conference, the Rainbows are the team no one wants a piece of in the WAC Tournament time. They have more upside than anyone outside of the 24-3 marvelous Mormons from Utah State whom, might I add, want nothing to do with a UH team that had them on the ropes in a double overtime thriller.

The UH team is more than the sum of their parts but, because of the youth of both players and coaching staff, much like Jersey Shore, the significance of the results is lost in translation. You have to actually sit down and experience this UH Hoops team to understand the unbelievable amount of talent packed into two twenty minute halves of salivating potential.

Every game delivers a staggering number of magnificent moments that have to be seen to be believed.

... Miah's blazing speed and his uncanny ability to walk the line between high intensity and out of control.

... Bill Amis's truly sneaky athleticism. He is the quickest, slow guy ever.

... Zane's ability to rain points from the sky (and his startling resemblance to the love child of my little brother and Gumby).

... the silky smoothness of Bo Barnes stroke. It's the Jiffy Peanut Butter of three point shots.

... Jostin Thomas's incredible ability to create chaos in the midst of calm. (He is, without a doubt, Snooki in this extended Jersey Shore metaphor.)

... that the eventual first NCAA tournament victory is closer than I thought.

Sadly, unless UH can secure another home game in one of the random post-season tournaments (The CBI? The CIT? Really? Are these real tournaments or is everyone just messing with me?) UH fans won't have another opportunity to watch the team in person until next season. And that's a shame. This team is a few pieces and a couple years away from making the leap from sports team to local cultural phenomenon. Colt Brennan in high tops.

Many have started to catch on. The Saturday Stan Sherrif crowd was rocking more than they have since Carl English laced up his shoes. When Zane Johnson hit a no-he-didn't NBA three from the top of the key in the second half, the decibal level in the gym was about as loud as the sum total of the noise from the Bob Nash era. The line for Dippin' Dots was over 50 people deep at half time. (Normally, I'm not a big Dippin' Dots guy. If Dippin' Dots really is the ice cream of the future I shudder to think about the dystopian hell hole we've let the world become. That said, when your two year-old daughter likes Dippin' Dots, you like Dippin' Dots. Luckily, I used my highly tuned Daddy-jedi skills to convince her Dora the Explorer prefers Hagen-Daaz to the Dots. If the line for ice cream bars is long at the next game I might be screwed.)

But it's not enough. It's not the 10,000+ sell out crowds that packed the Stan for AC and Alika. It's not the level of excitement deserved by the most exciting UH team in recent history, and maybe ever.

Make no mistake, much like MTV did with Jersey Shore, Gib Arnold is creating a phenomenon. So this Tuesday, when the Rainbows take the floor for what could be the last time this season, cancel all your plans and get down to the Stan Sheriff Center to watch, nay, experience Gib Arnold and the new UH hoops phenomenon. Because, unlike Jersey Shore, you can't watch old episodes on Hulu.

It Has Begun

Embarrassing disclosure time: Last night was only the third UH Men's Basketball game I've attended since 2008. The unfortunate confluence of fatherhood and the borderline unwatchable Bob Nash era teams caused UH hoops to fall off my radar. I still paid attention - looked at box scores, tuned into K5 from time to time, openly wondered why Rod Flemings drove to the basket with the enthusiasm of a colonoscopy patient - but I never fully embraced the team after Riley Wallace left, or, more accurately, since Julian Senseley graduated.

But, new UH Men's basketball coach Gib Arnold has me excited. Very excited. Exact-opposite-of-Rod-Flemings-on-game-day excited. Seemingly every day, The Star-Advertiser or Warrior Insider (the must-read UH men's basketball blog) run a story about another incredibly tall, athletically gifted, would-never-possibly-consider-playing-basketball-in-Hawaii player committing to the Rainbow Warriors. Riley Wallace was allergic to athletically talented freshman. Gib Arnold attracts more college freshman than dollar night at Pipeline Cafe. So, when I heard that the undefeated Rainbows were playing a nationally televised game as part of ESPN's College Hoops Tip-Off Marathon at 11pm, I was in like Flynn. (Random note: I love outdated colloquialisms that endure past the point of relevancy. I have no idea who Flynn is or why he always seems to be in, but dammit, it sounds awesome.)

Undefeated Rainbow basketball team?

Talented group of exciting freshman playing up-tempo basketball?

11 pm start time (i.e. a loud, drunk, rowdy student-heavy crowd capable of influencing the outcome or, as other colleges like to call it, a normal college basketball atmosphere)?

32 ounce beers and garlic fries?

Check, check, check, and, surprisingly, check.

That's right. The University finally listened to the JBorhood. After I famously called out the school for the glaring lack of malted, hoppy liquid refreshment and garlic laced fried carbohydrates at the 11pm ESPN game in 2008 (Since we all agree that my fame is assured, I safely assume that everything I write is famous), someone in the UH athletic department got the memo and opened the requisite concession stands for last night's game. Judging from the intensity of the crowd, the gesture did not go unappreciated. And make no mistake about it, that crowd was intense.

The crowd was loud, positive, and had a big impact on the game.

Every time the game got close, every time the Rainbows needed a defensive stop, every time the opponents took a big free throw, the crowd took the noise to another level. 3,000 sounded like 30,000. You could see the impact on the faces of the UH players. When they made a big play, and they made a lot of big plays -- this team gets up and down the court in a hurry and probably threw more alley-oops last night than the sum total thrown in the Bob Nash era -- they'd look to the crowd for a reaction, throw their arms up, and encourage the crowd to kick it up a notch. It was the perfect symbiotic relationship: Fans begging their team for a reason to scream and a team only too happy to oblige. It was the most fun I've had at a UH Basketball game since AC Carter was throwing no-look outlet passes to Alika Smith.

But, ultimately, this game was not about the crowd, it was about the team. This team can flat out play. Gib Arnold deserves our respect, congratulations, and support for the job he did overhauling the roster and culture of the Hawaii basketball program. This is not your father's UH team. This team is athletic, deep, and young. Really young. UH trots out a cavalcade of freshman that deserve minutes at the Division I level and I can't remember the last time I could say that about any incoming first year player.

Bo Barnes and Zane Johnson can shoot the lights out. They don't dim the lights, these kids are CFL. When they get open looks... Lights. Go. Off. The Stan Sheriff Center is going to have to start buying bulbs from Costco.

I don't know what to say about Jostin Thomas. He renders me speechless. If he manages to harness his freakish athleticism, soft shooting touch, interior strength, and incredible ferocity, he will go down as the best basketball player in UH history. He is unlike anyone I can remember. Guys that fast, strong, talented and young don't come to UH. Ever. He takes too many bad shots, turns the ball over too frequently, and does not consistently dominate the boards the way you'd like a player with his size and leaping ability to do, but he has staggering natural talent, coupled with incredible drive and attitude -- something noticeably absent in recent supposed "stars" (Sensely, Flemings, et al). He is Neo. If he figures it out, he will be the one.

This team still has a lot of work to do. They need to take better care of the ball. They need to remain focused. They need to keep the foot on the accelerator. They need to be more disciplined in their defensive rotations. But, unlike any team in recent memory, this team has the time to make those adjustments. Barring injury, transfer, or ineligibility, these kids have four years to learn, grow, and improve. That's downright terrifying.

If the rest of the WAC isn't worried yet, they will be soon.

If you're like me and you let UH Basketball fall by the wayside in the past few years, it's time to start paying attention again. Come for the basketball. Come for the breathless displays of athleticism. Come for the 32 ounce beers and garlic fries. Just come.

That way, when the University of Hawaii wins their first ever NCAA tournament game in two years, you'll be able to say you were there from the beginning.

Make no mistake about it, it has begun.

I am Hawaii's best kept secret in sports, but the Rainbow Wahine are a close second.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret: The Rainbow Wahine volleyball team is good. Really, really good.

But I won't launch into my usual hyperbolic stream of superlatives, because the Rainbow Wahine aren't that kind of team.

They don't have a Kim Willoughby.

They don't have a Tee Williams.

They don't leave your jaw on the floor with effortless feats of athleticism (the occasional Amber Kauffman jump notwithstanding. In fact, I think Amber might be the reason they say white men can't jump, not white people. Because that girl can fly). They just play good volleyball. Really, really good volleyball.

I watched the 2009 Rainbow Wahine play for the first time last Friday and was astounded at the way Dave Shoji's squad worked together as a team. They had a hand in front of every Pepperdine kill attempt (I say attempt because Pepperdine only converted 38 of 126 hits, which translates to a kill percentage hovering between .120 and hide-the-women-and-children awful). On the rare occasion Pepperdine managed to hit a ball past the formidable UH block, the Wahine had a player in perfect position to make a dig.

The Wahine served well.

They set well.

They passed well.

The only thing they didn't do well was extend the game long enough for me to drink a second beer.

(On that note, I don't know if it's a Wahine Volleyball thing, a general volleyball thing, a reflection of the current down state of the economy, or my complete inability to remember how much beer used to cost, but beer prices were about a dollar or two cheaper on Friday than I remembered at Stan Sherrif Center events. Whatever the reason, this made me a happy. Really, really happy. Jim Donovan, I salute you!)

The only question left in my mind about the Wahine after Friday night's utter dismissal of an incredibly talented opponent was, why haven't I heard more about this team?

Sports media tends to focus on the style over substance. Chad How-stupid-do-you-have-to-be-to-change-your-name-to-a-grammatically-incorrect-Spanish-word Ochocinco's impromptu Lambeau Leap replayed two hundred times on Sportscenter with nary a mention that the Cincinnati offensive line somehow blocked well enough for Cedric I-most-likely-gained-four-pounds-since-you-started-reading-this Benson to rush for 140 yards.

(I think it's probably in my best interest to stop using the hyphenated word jokes before I receive a slew of emails calling me Justin single-handedly-ruined-a-literary-device D'Olier.)

Because of this myopic obsession with flash and pizazz, we tend to overlook simple excellence. And that's a shame.

The primary goal of team sports is to seamlessly integrate a group of individuals into a unit whose collective talent and ability far exceeds their individual skills. And the 2009 Rainbow Wahine have a lot of individual skill.

Aneli Cubi-Otineru hits the ball so hard you think it's going to pop.

Brittany Hewitt and Amber Kauffman form an impenetrable wall up front.

Kanani Danielson has more athleticism than you would ever imagine could fit in a 5' 10" frame.

And Jayme Lee is just so cute, you want to give her a hug. (Seriously. She's looks like she could fit in your pocket. If she wore wings, you'd swear Tinkerbell was playing librero. It's awesome.)

But the way the girls work together on the court is truly something special. They achieve a level of harmony and unity not seen in a UH uniform since a certain record setting Quarterback was tossing touchdown passes to guys in dreds.

The 2009 Rainbow Wahine don't just talk about playing as a team, they truly embrace the concept. It's about time we started embracing them.

The Annual JBorhood Thankgiving Extravaganza! 2008

Some holiday festivities, like drinking hot buttered rum and watching A Christmas Story, deserve to become traditions. Others, like getting a sinus infection, taking NyQuil, passing out and locking your wife out of the apartment, not so much (see honey, isn't it a little funny when you read it in print?).

Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports.

(For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)

I believe society in general spends too much time discussing everything that's wrong with sports (the money, the egos, the unintentionally comedic and sexually suggestive 80's dance videos). On the contrary, I enjoy the opportunity to highlight and celebrate everything right about sports. With that in mind, I'd like to formally announce a new JBorhood Tradition: The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza!

Because what's a holiday without an absurdly long name?

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Ping Pong Balls

The best thing about the NBA is that one player can completely turn around a franchise.

Similarly, the worst thing about the NBA is that getting one of these players is almost impossible.

Not only do you have to get the first pick in the draft, which is determined through a bingo-type weighted lottery system where the number of ping-pong balls for a given team is inversely related to their total wins, you have to hope that a franchise player is available and that your GM isn't too much of a f***tard to draft them. (Please excuse my French, but if you pass up Chris Paul for Andrew Bogut there's no other word for you. In fact, even that might be too kind.) Consequently, a large number of NBA teams toil in the hopelessness of NBA purgatory: too good to get a decent draft pick, not good enough to compete for a title.

Last season, my beloved Bulls found themselves in this hopeless quagmire and I had no hope that they would extricate themselves from this hopeless cycle any time soon. Two days after my daughter was born, that all changed.

I sat in the recovery room with my wife and two day old daughter watching ESPN when the draft lottery came on. (FYI - A newborn wants only to eat, sleep and be held. Coincidentally, all three of these things are easily accomplished while sitting on a couch watching sports. Babies: more useful then you'd think...) I rubbed my baby's head for good luck and whispered a prayer to God. "God, if you let the Bulls win the lottery, I'll consider letting her date before the age of 35. Your move."

The Bulls were slated to get the 9th pick in the draft and had only had a 1.7% chance of one of their ping pong balls emerging from the lottery, so I resigned myself to disappointment and tried to get excited about the Bulls inevitable pick of Brook Lopez. (In my opinion, it's never good when your NBA Power Forward's name sounds like it should belong to a female beach volleyball player.) But, when David Stern opened the envelope for the ninth pick in the draft, the envelope did not say Chicago Bulls; it said Charlotte Bobcats, meaning the Bulls were assured of a top 3 pick.
I started to get more nervous and excited than I'd been since the day my child was born. I rubbed my baby's head again and said another prayer to God. "God, if you give the Bulls the number one pick, I'll consider letting her date before the ago of 25. Your move."

Suffice to say, God is of the opinion that my daughter should date before graduating from college. (Though we never clarified whether the dates had to be unsupervised...)

Flash forward 6-months, Derrick Rose is setting the NBA on fire, looking like a can't-miss superstar and the Bulls -- and their fans -- have a renewed sense of hope.

And none of it would have been possible without a little help from ping-pong balls (and God's liberal dating policies).

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Bernard Pollard

Bernard Pollard is single-handedly responsible for the craziest, most competitive NFL season in recent memory. When he barreled though the Patriots line, five minutes into the season and exploded Tom Brady's ACL, MCL, PCL (and probably a couple really cool CLs that I don't even know about), he effectively eliminated the NFL's one dominant team and turned the rest of the season into a complete crap shoot. Last year, 13 weeks into the season it was the Patriots and everyone else. This year...

• A staggering 21 of 32 teams have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. (My condolences to the Browns, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams.)
• 9 of the 12 potential NFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons.)
• 7 of the 9 potential AFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Dolphins and Bills)

Essentially, with only 4 weeks left in the season, anything is possible.

And none of it would have been possible without Bernard Pollard.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... The Perfect Excuse

Forget about the unconditional love, the excitement of new experiences, or the inexplicable wonder of each day. The best part about having a baby is that you can use them as the ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

Seriously, now that I have a kid, I have a built-in excuse to watch any sporting event at any time. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'd love to volunteer at the orphanage today, but I have to stay in and watch the Lakers...err, baby." The only difference between watching a game with a baby and watching a game without a baby is that you have to change diapers at half time. A small price to pay for unlimited sports watching privileges.

But using your baby as an excuse to watch sports is only the beginning. The only thing limiting the type of excuse for which you can use your baby is your imagination.

"Sorry, I'm late. You know. The baby."

"Did someone fart? Oh, baby, that's terrible!"

"Sorry for not shaving or showering in over two weeks and wearing a bathing suit and a T-shirt to work. I have a baby."

"Sorry for starting at your breasts. I have a baby."

"I'd like a rum and coke and a shot of Jaeger. Oh, don't worry. The Jaeger is for the baby."

If I end up having another kid, I think I'll just streamline the process and name him "His Fault." "Oh, I'm sorry I ran over your Grandmother. It was His Fault." Now if you excuse me, I need to talk my wife out of signing those divorce papers.

I'm sorry for making an inappropriate joke, honey. You know. The baby...

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Greg Alexander

After three years of Colt Brennan football, I began to take the quarterback position for granted. I grew fat off the lamb of 50 point outings and accustomed to jaw-dropping 30-yard strikes hitting the hands of wide receivers in stried. I had conversations about my disappointment after "sub-par" 300 yard, 3 touchdown performances. I figured that, even after Colt left, someone would come assume the throne as the rightful heir to the mantle of UH Quarterbacks. Hell, even I could throw for 250 and 2 TD's in that offense. Right?

WRONG.

In their first three games against Division I opponents, UH Quarterbacks threw one touchdown pass and 12 interceptions. Compare that to Colt Brennan, who in 2006 threw 13 interceptions THE ENTIRE SEASON. (It also bears mentioning that he accompanied those INTs with an NCAA record 58 touchdowns.)

After watching erstwhile starter Inoke Funaki attempt to set offense football back a century against Boise State, I inquired about the possibility of petitioning for lifetime NCAA eligibility for Colt Breannan. (Seriously, some guys are just born to play college sports and Colt is one of them. Why waste his talent on the bench in Washington when he can resume his rightful place behind center for the UH Warriors for the next 20 years. Similarly, the NCAA needs to grant lifetime eligibility to Tyler Hansborough. I refuse to sit idly by while he becomes our generations Christian Laettner.)

I told myself that the offense was simply undergoing growing pains following the departure of June Jones.

I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.

I did anything I could to make UH football watchable, but nothing worked.

Nothing, that is, until Greg "I-don't-care-that-you're-not-really-that-good-you-look-like-a-combination-of-Payton-Manning-and-Jesus-compared-to-the-other-quarterbacks" Alexander took over. After taking over the starting job in Game 8, Alexander did not throw an interception until the 4th quarter of Game 12. For the more mathematically inclined JBors, that is a 2000% decrease in the number of interceptions thrown in comparison to his predecessors. For those of you not so mathematically inclined, that's a good thing.

He may not be perfect. He may not have a laser rocket arm. He may not be Colt Brennan. Hell, he may not even be Timmy Chang. But Greg Alexander can throw a football down field and occasionally have it caught by other players, most of whom play for our team and for that, I am thankful.

Trust me. If you watched the first half of the University of Hawaii's season, you'd be thankful too.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Iowa Football

Two years in a row, college football fans watched a Big Ten team embarrass themselves in the National Title Game, both times rendering the contest virtually unwatchable. This year, that scenario threatened to occur for a third straight year as Penn State marched toward an unbeaten season.

Even though Penn State often struggled against mediocre competition and did not have a single signature non-conference win on their schedule -- No, beating Oregon State does not qualify as a "signature win" no matter what USC fans tell you. You lose to Stanford, I stop taking you seriously. End of story. -- the feel-good story of iconic coach Joe Paterno's return to prominence made them a virtual lock for the title game if they finished the season undefeated. After they narrowly edge perennial Big Ten powerhouse Ohio State, only Iowa stood in between them and a date with destiny.

Truth be told, I already had a soft spot in my heart for the Hawkeyes because both my parents graduated from the University of Iowa. Even still, heading into the match-up with Penn State, I put the Hawkeyes chances of victory somewhere between the possibility of peace in the Middle East and the likelihood that Catherine Zeta-Jones will one day return my undying affection (I'll let you surmise which one of those is more likely). Iowa has a solid football team -- good defense, strong running game -- but the list of big Iowa football victories is about the same size as the list of Matt LeBlanc's hit movies. Their last marquee game involved a 38-17 drubbing at the hands of USC in the 2003 Orange Bowl. (Note: It should say something that their last marquee game occurred in 2003.)

Yet, there they were. Making an improbable drive, capped off by an unbelievable 3rd and 10 conversion by a Quarterback who didn't assume the starting role until the 6th game of the season. Now, rather than brace for another Big 10 drubbing in the national championship game, college football fans are getting excited for a Alabama/Florida vs. Texas/Oklahoma showdown of the Titans.

And none of it would have been possible without the Iowa Hawkeyes.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... A Beautiful, Happy, Healthy Baby Girl

Nothing that has occurred in my life up to this point could have prepared me for the joy of my little baby smiling at me whenever I walk into a room. I love her so much and wish I could spend every moment of every day with her. I'm thankful for a lot of things to do with sports this year, but none quite compare with how thankful I am for my baby girl.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball

What I want to do on Monday night at 11 pm generally starts and ends with my couch, polishing off a second bottle of Tempranillo – almost as fun to say as it is to drink – and discussing the glorious, unintentional comedy of the latest episode of Scream Queens on VH1 with the Editor-in-Chief. (That’s right. I watch Scream Queens. Religiously. In fact, I also watch Rock of Love Charm School and, most shamefully, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF on a weekly basis. What can I say? I’m a sucker for bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations. Moving on…). What this list does not include is attending a UH Basketball game.

Yet, there I was, walking into the Stan Sheriff Center on Monday night along with a motley crew of college students, drunks, stoners, and the unemployed to support a 0-2 Rainbow basketball team in a game scheduled to end sometime after last call at Femme Nu. Call me crazy, but I’m of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club. But I digress…

Upon entering the Arena, I met up with a few friends and headed for the concession stands to partake in one of the finer aspects of UH Basketball games: $7.50, 32 ounce beers and Gordon Biersch garlic fries. As we circled the Arena, we noticed a troubling development:

No beer. No garlic fries.

I understand that late night driving and 32 ounce beers probably don’t mesh well, however, college basketball without an embarrassingly large malt beverage is positively un-American. I started to go through the five stages of grief.

Denial – This can’t be happening. There must be beer here somewhere.

Anger – Why didn’t they announce they weren’t serving beer? This is ridiculous!

Bargaining – I wonder if I could pay someone to open up the beer garden…

Depression – This game is going to suck, maybe we should just go home.

Acceptance - … (Let’s just say that some things are beyond acceptance.)

As I struggled to figure out a way to distill Coca-Cola into a liquor, I heard the words every sports fan dreams about…

Anna Kournikova is in your hot-tub?

Even better. Well, not better, but slightly more realistic.

The Cubs won the World Series?

I said realistic.

[Your Name], please come to the front of the Arena to claim your prize?

Bingo.

When I finally arrived, out of breath, at the front of the Arena, an usher informed me that I had won four courtside seats to the game. That’s right, four courtside seats to the nationally televised game. Not only did my buddies and I have front row seats to an amazing basketball game – UH won in an overtime thriller – we showed up on ESPN. As I attempted to call everyone I thought wouldn’t terminate our friendship for waking them up, I received the coolest text message ever from my wife midway through the first quarter:

Did you just catch a ball? I think I saw you!

I always dreamed about appearing on ESPN. I never thought it would happen quite like that.

(The best place to see me is at the :20 mark. I’m the devastatingly handsome guy sitting behind the Bank of Hawaii sign wearing a green and white striped shirt. Make sure to watch the video in High Quality, otherwise you can’t tell if it’s me or a splotch of vomit on the camera lens. God bless You Tube.)



It’s one thing to watch a basketball game on TV.

It’s another thing to watch a basketball game live.

It’s a completely different experience altogether to watch a basketball game courtside. On TV, the players look big. In person, they look huge. Courtside? Downright terrifying.

Nothing makes you feel quite as small as a 6’ 7”, 235 pound man diving out of bounds and crashing into a table right in front of you. I’m 90% sure that I could wear Brandon Adams’s shoe as a hat.

It was truly an amazing experience and it reminded me about all the reasons why I love college basketball. It also reminded me that UH has a long way to go before it can join the ranks of the elite college basketball programs in the country. But there is hope. Not long ago crowds routinely filled the Stan Sheriff Center and you got a sense of that passion on Monday night.

After attending the game, I have a renewed faith that we can rekindle the magic of UH Basketball and get the crowds to return. We just need to make a few adjustments.

Remember That We Wear Green and White

Forget “White Out” night.

I don’t want to hear about “Green Out” night.

Don’t even get me started about “Black Out” night. (It’s a basketball game, not a wake.)

Without being prompted, UH fans should attend games wearing some combination of green and white. Not black, not blue, not their favorite Tommy Bahama Aloha shirt. Green and white.

If you watch any of the approximately 9,632 basketball games on ESPN every Saturday, you’ll notice that the fans all wear the same color or colors. You’ll also notice, not coincidentally, that the team wears the same color.

It’s not complicated.

The UH Basketball team wears green and white. You wear green and white. Ok? Do you really need a marketing department to help you pick out a matching color scheme?

Once we get everyone wearing green and white, we can work on getting them to keep standing after tip-off until the team scores. Baby steps.

Increase Student Attendance

Even though only 2000 people showed up for the game, the crowd was loud, cheered constantly, and maintained a great energy from tip-off to the end of overtime. A typical UH game is about as lively as a Kenny G concert and Monday’s game was more like a Miley Cyrus show. Not quite the AC/DC atmosphere we need, but a step in the right direction.

The improved atmosphere was largely due to the increased number of students that attended the game. Usually, the student section consists of about 30 kids sequestered under the visitor’s basket. On Monday, there were well over 200 students at the game and, due to the open seating format, they were spread out all over the arena. They were loud, they were rowdy, and they gave the Rainbows a noticeable boost.

In order to truly grow the program and foster the high energy college atmosphere that makes college basketball so special, UH needs to do everything in its power to make games more accessible to students. I understand this is a complex issue that includes a the construction of new dorms, vast improvements of on-campus life, and the transition from a commuter school to one with a full fledged dorm life, however, if we ever want UH games to be more than a glorified tea party, the students need to lead the way.

Get Students Closer to the Floor

I know that season ticket holders already occupy the seats.

I know that it means less money for the University up front. (I’d argue that making games more exciting and accessible for students builds a more loyal fan base, more likely to donate to the program in the future, but that’s an argument for another day.)

But there’s no substitute for loud, crazy students, sitting courtside at a college basketball game. Every large college basketball program in the country includes a large student section next to the court. Not sequestered under a basket somewhere, or hidden in the bleachers. Front and center.

UH needs to move all the current season ticket holders from the section directly across from the visitor’s bench, block out the entire section for students, and give the prior season ticket holders first priority for new season tickets. They might complain about being moved at first, but they’ll come around the first time they watch an opposing player break down in tears after the students ride them for an entire game.

Which leads me to my next point…

Improve Heckling

For the last time, yelling “You F***ing Suck!” does not constitute heckling.

It’s not witty, it’s not funny and, most importantly, it doesn’t psyche out the other team. The whole point of heckling is to get into the other team’s head and swearing at them like every other drunk loser they hear night in, night out isn’t going to get it done.

You have to remember, they’ve been playing 40 games a year since they were in high school. They’ve heard almost every conceivable heckle in the book. Many of them far more witty and original then anything you’re going to say. The only way to get under their skin is to catch them off guard. Hit them with something humorous and original.

Heckling is a lot like Marketing. Anyone can do it, and a little creativity goes a long way, but true success requires extensive research. Each week the Manoa Maniacs need to create a heckler cheat sheet and pass them out at the games. These should include each opposing players name, basic facts about them, as well as any embarrassing facts they dug up on the internet. Player A danced ballet in high school. Player B was arrested for marijuana possession. Player C was caught with his pants down in the company of a sheep. You get the picture.

UH fans need to embrace heckling as a true art form. They’re college students. It’s not like they have better things to do then sit up late at night, drink 40s and research the best way to make opposing players cry.

Someone make this happen.

Always Server Beer

I’ll give you a free pass for Monday. Just don’t ever let that happen again, ok?

I’m confident that if UH makes the aforementioned changes, UH Basketball can once again sell out the Stan Sheriff Center and take their program to the next level. But, if all else fails, never underestimate the power of bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations.

I’m just saying…

Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis

There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.

No one, except, of course, me.

I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.

(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)

Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans

No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.

No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.

No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)

No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.

But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.

Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys

I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.

Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football

I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )

Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football

If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?

Credit Approved: Derrick Rose

I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)

Credit Denied: Greg Oden

Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers

They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.

Credit Denied: Boston Celtics

Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.

The reason?

No James Posey.

(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)

Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets

Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs

You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.

Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies

No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.

Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?

Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays

I know, I know. They lost.

But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.

Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs

Some things just speak for themselves...

Limit your Enthusiasm

In light of the Cubs alacritous exit from the postseason and my corresponding one week hiatus from the JBorhood, I want to answer a few pending questions before we get started.

(Big shot out to my boy Jew -- don't look at me, he came up with the name -- for posing some of the questions and convincing me to address the Cubs meltdown.)

1. What happened to last week's article?

The Cubs happened. They crapped all over my week. If I had written an article, it would have consisted solely of cuss words, exclamation points, and phonetic representations of me vomiting every time I heard about how Joe Torre's experience was the key factor in the Dodgers win. Trust me when I say that those thoughts are better left unpublished. I'd say it's a 50/50 shot it would land me on the U.S. Government no-fly-list for terroristic threatening and would undoubtedly be admissible in court as certifiable proof of my insanity and instability. Let's move on, shall we?

2. Was this year's collapse the most painful Cubs collapse in history?

No, and it's not even close. This year you could see the collapse coming a mile away, whereas, in 2003, they were five outs away from the World Series before...well, before you-know-what. That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.

3. Who is your pick now in MLB?

I'm hoping for a never-ending series of scoreless innings that prevents anyone from winning until March when they finally have to call off the World Series to start next season. Barring that, I'll take the Phillies.

4. Speaking of the Phillies, did PETA really ask Shane Victorino to stop eating SPAM?

Yes, he says, laughing hysterically, but as much as I agree that Hormel is guilty of mistreatment of Animals, trying to get Hawaii to give up SPAM is a lost cause. If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.

Ok, I feel much better. Let's get down to business.

---

It's important to know your limitations.

For instance, I'm a terrible multitasker, so I don't talk on my cell phone and drive. Similarly, I know very little about foreign policy, couldn't provide any insight on how to solve the health care crisis in America, and learned everything I know about the problems facing social security from the back of a Starbucks cup, so I wouldn't run for Vice President. Now, now, before my Conservative readers revolt (readers? I have readers?), I don't mean that as a knock against Sarah Palin. Actually, quite the contrary. I feel bad for her. She's an amazing orator and an incredibly accomplished woman, unfortunately, she's just wildly unqualified to take on the intrinsic responsibilities of the Vice Presidency and wasn't ready for the unrelenting scrutiny of the presidential race. (I know that the media is all about sound bites and quotes taken out of context, but seriously, if you can't name one newspaper you read, I'm pretty sure that should disqualify you from running the free world, no?) I'm sure she thought she was up to the challenge when she accepted the nomination, but, sadly, she was a victim of her own overconfidence, and now she and John McCain's chances of success are paying for it.

Hey, jerkoff. Aren't you supposed to be a sports columnist?

I'm so glad you asked. The meteoric rise and fall of Sarah Palin is not simply an interesting political vignette, it's an important lesson to sports fans everywhere:

It's important to know your limitations.

Knowing their limitation is what helped Cubs fans come to grips with their team's typical post-season collapse.

It's what makes the lives of Lions fans, who already know they can start spending time with their families on Sundays, better then the lives of Giants fans, who, in the wake of a brutal loss to the Browns are left wondering whether their team is actually one of the best in the NFL or just the lucky recipient of an easy early season schedule. (It's easy to go 4-1 when you play the Bengals, Rams and Seahawks, but the Giants final ten games are Pittsburgh, Dallas, @Philly, Baltimore, @Arizona, @Washington, Philly, @Dallas, Carolina, @Minnesota. Still feeling comfortable Men of Eli?)

It's what makes me trust a 5-1 University of Florida team, coming off a beat down of previously #4 LSU, more then an undefeated Alabama team, who was outscored 30-10 in the second half of their signature win of the season.

Finally, it's the reason I didn't celebrate UH's improbable win over Fresno State with the same enthusiasm as the rest of the State of Hawaii. Because I have less of an understanding of the football team after the game then I did before it.

(Author's Note: I would like to state, for the record, that I missed the game because I was the best man at my buddy's wedding. As I mentioned at the time and would like to reiterate now, friends aren't people who help you move; Friends are people who come to your wedding instead of watching UH upset Fresno State. Congratulations again, J Rock.)

Before the game, I thought UH was a bad football team. But, bad football teams don't go into Fresno and win. Bad football teams don't block field goals to save the game as time expires. Bad football teams don't beat Top 25 teams. On the road. For the first time in their program's history. (Raise your hand if you thought UH would beat a Top 25 team on the road for the first time in the program's history the year AFTER Colt Brennan graduated? You can put your hand down, Coach McMackin.). But, likewise, good teams don't struggle to beat 1-AA Weber State. Good teams don't let Louisiana Tech hang around. Good teams certainly don't lose to San Jose State at home. So then what is UH?

The truth is, we don't know. We know what the Warriors are capable of, we just don't know what to expect. Which is not a good thing heading into a 2 pm nationally televised showdown today with #15 ranked Boise State at Boise, where the Broncos have a 16-game winning streak. The Warriors have done just enough to make me tune in, just enough to make me interested, and just enough to rip my heart out if they lose big. Maybe the Warriors make history and win their second consecutive road game against a nationally ranked opponent. Maybe they get utterly embarrassed in front of a nationally audience.

At least, when it's all said and done, we'll know what to make of this team.

Paying your Dues

Everywhere I go, I hear people say that Aaron Rodges has "paid his dues".

"He's paid his dues, put in the time, and been a good sport through it all" - www.sportsdatahub.com

"He has paid his dues, he has done what has been asked of him, and he has earned his keep." - bleacherreport.com

"He's certainly paid his dues...He hasn't had a chance." - Packer's Offensive Coordinator Joe Philbin www.jsonline.com

(In fact, searching Google for "Aaron Rodgers" "paid his dues", returns over 200 hits.)

Notice, no one is saying "Rodgers is awesome", "He's an amazing Quarterback", "He's the right man for the job" or, most importantly, "He's better then Brett Favre." The only argument in favor of making Aaron Rodgers the starting Quarterback of the Green Bay Packers is that he's "paid his dues." Simply put, Aaron Rodgers is the Daniel Akaka of Quarterbacks.

(Author's Note: The following is not meant as an attack, nor a slight against Daniel Akaka. I do not know him, nor have I ever met him. I do not harbor any resentment towards him. I have no political disagreements or philosophical differences that motivate me. I am simply speaking to the similarities between the situations of Aaron Rodgers and Mr. Akaka, when he was running for reelection in 2006.)

By all accounts, Daniel Akaka is a hard working, good, honest man. You would be hard pressed to find anyone either locally or in Washington who has anything bad to say about him personally. However, you would also be hard pressed to find someone who has anything good to say about his body of work. In 2006, Time Magazine coined him the "Master of the Minor" and ranked him as one of the five worst Senators in the country. His major accomplishment in the Senate is passing a resolution "by which the U.S. apologized for invading Hawaii in 1893." During his heated reelection bid against former Congressman Ed Case in 2006, whenever anyone was asked why they were voting for Akaka, they always replied...

"Because, he paid his dues."

No one pointed to a distinguished record of service. No one pointed out his ability to pass legislation. They simply said, "he paid his dues".

But what does that mean exactly?

"He paid his dues," is what girls tell their friends when they ask why they're going out on a date with their dorky longtime friend with a mullet and a lisp who brought his Care Bears lunch box with him to college.

"He paid his dues," is what they say when the 55 year old McDonald's worker with a 25 word vocabulary and a GED gets promoted from mop duty to the fries.

"He paid his dues," is what you say when you don't do laundry for 3 months, run out of clean shirts and justify wearing the ugly mustard yellow sweater your mother-in-law knitted you.

"Paid his dues" is just a nice way of saying that there's no other compelling reason to justify a decision.

In this case, it's a nice way of saying that Aaron Rodgers is not as good as Brett Favre. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Favre is one of the Top 25 Quarterbacks to ever play the game. He's loved by fans, feared by opponents and respected throughout football. Being a worse quarterback then Brett Favre is a like being a worse porn star then Kobe Tai. You don't beat yourself up too much, because not many people can take a pounding, get you excited and bring opponents to their knees quite like Favre or Kobe. (I've written a lot of metaphors in JBorhood, but I assure you, that was, far and away, the most fun metaphor I've ever researched. I was tempted to provide a link to inform the readers who are not familiar with Kobe's "body" of work, but decided to take the high road. Trust me when I say that searching for "Kobe Tai" in Google will more then suffice. You just might not want to do it at work...) So, calling Aaron Rodgers a worse Quarterback then Brett Favre is more of a testament to the ability of Favre then the shortcomings of Rodgers, but it still begs the question: Is Aaron Rodgers a little worse then Brett Favre or is he a lot worse then Brett Favre. Unfortunately for the Green Bay Packers, the answer is no one knows.

Yet, for some strange reason, the Packers don't want Brett Favre. They want "paid his dues."

In an vaguely similar situation (minus the over-dramatized comeback of a prima donna superstar), the University of Hawaii currently has a Quarterback who many feel should start because "he paid his dues." While Colt Brennan put up record setting numbers, Tyler Graunke patiently held his clip board, cheered from the sidelines and watched Colt lead the Warriors to the Sugar Bowl. Sure, Tyler had his moments of glory. He led the Warriors to victory on the road in Nevada when Colt Brennan was out with a concussion. He played decently against Georgia's third string in the third quarter of UH's blowout loss in the Sugar Bowl. But, the fact of the matter is, Tyler sat on the bench while Colt played because Tyler Graunke is no Colt Brennan.

Maybe Tyler Graunke is a stud. Maybe he completely outplays Inoke Funake and Greg Alexander in practice and earns the starting role. Maybe he has a better season then Colt Brennan ever did. (Maybe monkeys fly out of my butt.) Tyler Graunke might be an outstanding quarterback, my only point is that making him the starter simply because "he paid his dues," is absurd.

Because "Paid his dues," doesn't win football games. Laser rocket arms win football games. Sound decision making wins football games. Colt Brennan wins football games. Brett Favre wins football games.

You can have "paid his dues" if you want, but I don't want "paid his dues".

I don't want that stupid mustard yellow sweater.

I don't want Daniel Akaka.

I don't want Tyler Graunke.

I don't want Aaron Rodgers.

I want earned his dues.

I want to win.

I want Colt Brennan.

And I want Brett Favre.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pay my dues.

A Job Well Done

This article is not long.

It is not verbose.

It does not explore a large number of topics.

It does not provide stunning insight.

It is not an example of great writing.

It just gets the job done. Quickly. And professionally.

Why, you ask?

In honor of the University of Hawaii Administration’s exemplary performance in the aftermath of the departure of head football coach June Jones.

President David McClain, Chancellor Virginia Hinshaw, interim Athletic Director Carl Clap and interim assistant Athletic Director John MacNamara acted with poise, grace, honesty and humility in the face of an angry and frustrated fan base, the firing of their Athletic Director and the onslaught of the local media. They displayed diplomacy when they worked with the workers’ union to reduce the required posting period of the head football coach position from ten days to five. They displayed great judgment when they hired a coach who could retain the current recruits, fans and offensive and defensive systems that have been so successful over the past nine years. Most importantly they displayed teamwork that had been glaringly absent from the athletic department when they openly involved the governor, legislature, boosters, fans and members of the current football team in the hiring process.

On behalf of the fans of Warrior Nation and the esteemed members of the J-Borhood, I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to each member of the administration.

Thank you, Mr. McClain.

Thank you, Mrs. Hinshaw.

Thank you, Mr. Clap.

Thank you, Mr. MacNamara.

When people said the football program was dead, you did not waste time. You did not flood the media with false promises. You did not trip over the hurdles of bureaucracy. You just went to work and got the job done. For that, you deserve our praise and support.

I look forward to your continued success and implore you to continue working with the same type of poise, grace, honesty, teamwork and humility that you displayed over the previous week. If you do, I could not be more confident in the continued success of our athletic program and our University.

Please accept well deserved congratulations for a job done well.

A Football Carol

"I am confident that the spirit and unity the Warriors and all the people of Hawai'i gained as a result of Coach Jones' accomplishments will continue as the University of Hawai'i moves into a new chapter in its athletic history." - Governor Linda Lingle

At the time the Governor delivered her public farewell to outgoing University of Hawaii head football coach June Jones, the words sounded more like a eulogy then a goodbye. A mournful admission of defeat to a downtrodden people. Now, less then a week later, the words carry a renewed sense of hope as the University positions itself to rebound in the wake of Jones’ stunning rebuke. The feelings of despair have been replaced by a guarded optimism and a renewed sense of hope. The discussions about the demise of the football program have turned into debate over how UH can not only salvage the remnants of disaster, but regain their pre-Sugar Bowl momentum and continue to take their football program to the next level.

How did we arrive at this point? How did the administration stage the kind of turnaround we’ve become accustomed to seeing from the football team? Finally, and most importantly, what recent developments revived the spirits of Warrior Nation and positioned the University of Hawaii to recapture the magic of 2007?

[Author’s note: I have been so busy and the events of the past week have transpired so quickly that from the moment I started writing this article (Tuesday, 1/8) to now (Tuesday 1/15), the subject of this article has changed three times. In order to make sense of the rapidly evolving landscape of the June Jones aftermath, I’m going to channel my inner-Dickens and summon three ghosts to help provide clarity:

• The Ghost of UH Football Past
• The Ghost of UH Football Present
• The Ghost of UH Football Future

Don’t worry, I promise the last ghost won’t try to push you into your grave. I make no promises about the first ghost…]

The Ghost of UH Football Past: Monday, January 7

Enter skeletal figure, carrying ominous scythe, wearing a long black hooded cloak and bearing an uncanny resemblance to Herman Frasier.

(Herman): Come with me, brave souls, and learn from my misdeeds. It is too late to save me, but perhaps you can save yourselves. What I show you may chill you to the bone, but it is the only way to save you…the only way…

On the morning of Monday, January 7, less then a week after the Warriors stunning Sugar Bowl defeat, Stephen Tsai of the Honolulu Advertiser announced the unthinkable: June Jones had accepted an offer to become the head football coach for Southern Methodist University. Making matters worse, June suggested he left because of frustration over the UH’s poor athletic facilities and the lack of commitment from the UH Administration to improve them. Not only was our savior/hero coach leaving, but he essentially announced that no one else would want to replace him because the University lacked the necessary infrastructure to succeed.

At the time, it seemed like the death knell for the football program at the University of Hawaii. Twelve years after June rescued the program from an 0-12 season and a likely move to Division II, it appeared that the program would once again slip into obscurity. In the blink of an eye, the groundswell of support generated by the Warriors miraculous run to the Sugar Bowl, turned into a tidal wave of sadness, frustration and anger.

As I watched a horde of screaming fans demand for the immediate termination of athletic director Herman Frasier on the evening news, I hung my head, took a deep breath and prepared to write a eulogy to the University of Hawaii football program…

(Herman): I’d show you more of Black Monday’s harrowing events, but I didn’t anticipate the demand for reviewing them and I sold the remainder of the tickets. As I said, it’s too late for me…for me…for me…

The Ghost of UH Football Present: Tuesday, January 8

Enter kindly subdued Asian man, holding two Heisman trophy’s, wearing an NCAA Championship ring and a Tennessee Titans jersey.

(Norm Chow): Hello, fellow sons of Hawaii. I know that all hope seems lost, but the sky is always blackest just before the dawn. Take my hand, I can show you the way.

[Author’s note: I’m not entirely sure why my Norm Chow speaks like Cain from Kung Fu, but I wouldn’t it be REALLY funny if he did. Seriously, can’t you imagine him getting all Zen-Master on Vince Young?

“Vince, Confucius say, Quarterback who runs first, pays later”

Ok, maybe it’s just me.]

No one can pinpoint exactly what happened between Monday and Tuesday, but no one denies that something took place. Maybe it was the long night sleep. Maybe it was the abrupt firing of Herman Frasier. Maybe it was Lee Cataluna’s article unabashedly disparaging June Jones that cathartically ripped off the band-aid. Whatever it was, the tenor of the general public on Tuesday had a markedly different tone then it did on Monday. All of a sudden, June Jones dissenters came out of the wood work. Government officials and UH Administration members began discussing ways to improve the UH facilities. Fans began suggesting ways the University could not only salvage the situation, but continue to improve the football program.

On my way home from work that day, I had an epiphany: Norm Chow.

Norm Chow is an offensive mastermind who could continue the tradition of high scoring offensive innovation at the University. He tutored two Heisman winners (Ty Detmer, Matt Leinart) and aided in the development of two other NFL stars (Phillip Rivers, Vince Young). Furthermore, since he most recently worked as the offensive coordinator for the Tennessee Titans, he would bring an NFL pedigree to the University to help attract further recruits.

But that’s just half of it. The real beauty of hiring Norm Chow is how much both sides need and would appreciate each other. It is no secret that Norm has wanted to become a head coach for a long time now. He waited patiently at BYU for over 15 years only to see the head coach job eventually go to someone else. He’s continued to work as an offensive coordinator, molding Phillip Rivers into a Top #5 NFL draft pick at NC State and helping USC win a national championship, but each time he applied for a job – first at Stanford, later at Washington – the Universities decided to hire someone else. Now, with UH desperately in need of a head coach, they can finally offer a native son an opportunity to claim his rightful spot as the head of a football program.

The final piece positive aspect of hiring Norm Chow is the large outpouring of support he would receive from the local community. While June Jones ostracized many of the long time football fans when he changed the team colors, uniforms, logo and the name of the team from the Rainbows to the Warriors. Most fans eventually came around when he began to turn around the program, but many old timers retained their bitterness to a coach whom they viewed as an outsider. Norm, on the other hand, is the ultimate insider. He is born on the islands, has openly discussed longing to return and has the respectful, deferential mindset that islanders love and respect – think the Dan Akaka of football. In short, Norm Chow offers an opportunity to retain the new fans and win back the old ones.

Truly, a match made in heaven.

(Norm Chow): I am humbled by your praise, but sadly, our destinies do not align. Fear not my sons, I have more offense to orchestrate while your fate lies in the hands of another…another…another…

The Ghost of UH Football Future: Wednesday, January 9 – Tuesday, January 15

Enter portly, jovial man wearing a Sugar Bowl hat, national championship ring and a beaming smile.

(Greg McMackin): Hi, I’m Greg McMackin. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m honored to meet such a loyal fan of the Warrior football program.

(You): Really? Wow, thanks.

(Greg McMackin): You’re very welcome. If you’d be so kind as to come with me, I have some exciting things to show you.

When June Jones left, it was a foregone conclusion that current Warriors defensive coordinator, Greg McMackin, would follow him to SMU. Greg was a loyal June supporter and had previously said that he’d never work for another head coach again. However, on Wednesday afternoon, Bobby Curran announced a way that Greg McMackin could remain at the University without working for a new head coach: He wanted to be head coach.

Fireworks exploded in my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was too perfect.

Greg McMackin is a FABULOUS football coach. He’s not an offensive guru like June Jones, but he has equal talents on the defensive side of the ball. He was the defensive coordinator of the fearsome Miami teams in the late 80’s that won a national title, worked as the defensive coordinator of the Seattle Seahawks for four years and was the associate head coach for the San Francisco 49ers. He was also the head coach at Oregon Tech for four years, during which time he won the NAIA national championship as well as the coach of the year award twice. He was the defensive coordinator for the University of Hawaii for two years under coach June Jones and the Warriors won the WAC championship both years; Interestingly enough, the only two years in which June led the Warriors to a WAC title.

Hiring McMackin gave us a chance to retain the majority of our coaching staff and our recruits and completely eliminate any setbacks from trying to install a new offensive or defensive system. Even though June Jones served as the offensive coordinator through his tenure at UH, assistant coach Ron Lee has run the run-and-shoot for over 20 years, nine of them under the tutelage of Jones, and worked as the offensive coordinator for Coach McMackin at Oregon Tech where they won two NAIA titles in four years. If Coach McMackin took over the program, he could turn the offense over to Ron’s capable hands and keep the high octane offense in place at Aloha Stadium.

While I worked myself into a frenzy and proceeded to call every sports fan I knew, I could not shake the feeling that something would get in the way of this perfect situation.

The interim athletic directors wouldn’t get the deal done.
The legislature wouldn’t make the necessary commitments to the facilities.
McMackin would have second thoughts and decide to join June at SMU.

(You): Does it work out ok? Does Coach McMackin get the job? Can they afford to get the operation for Tiny Tim?

(Coach McMackin): (laughs) You’ll see.

On Tuesday, January 14, UH did the impossible. They salvaged the wreckage of their program, made the perfect hire and restored faith in their football program. At eight in the morning, UH Chancellor Virginia Hinshaw announced that the University was hiring Greg McMackin to become the next football coach of the Warriors. She also announced that the University had committed to upgrade the athletic facilities. Lastly, she stunned the crowd when by letting them know that Tiny Tim had a successful operation and that he was committing to the UH football team to play quarterback.

(Ok, she might not have announced that last part, but it sure felt like it.)

In the span of eight days, the University managed to save their football program and, more importantly, save a fan base that had completely lost hope. They still have a lot of work to do to convince their recruits not to follow Coach Jones, face an uphill battle in acquiring long term financial commitments from the legislature and will need to continue their recent success in order to keep their fans energized, but for the moment, all is well in Warrior Nation.

What once sounded like a desperate plea by the Governor, now stands out as a beacon of hope. A reminder that the spirit and the unity of the State of Hawaii will prevail.

God bless the Governor.

God bless the Administration.

God bless Coach McMackin.

(Tiny Tim): God bless us, every one!

(You): Amen, Tim. Amen.

Gimme Some Sugar, Baby!

[Author’s note: I pulled the intro to this article from an email I sent this week to a fellow Warrior fan. Kawehi, if this looks familiar, now you know why!]

What a game.

What an exciting, heart wrenching, stomach turning, mind blowing, yet utterly appropriate way to end the most incredible season in UH Football history. The team demonstrated the composure, execution, talent, heart and teamwork that has characterized their magical run. The coaching staff made all the right adjustments. The fans remained a factor even after the team fell into a 21 point hole and Colt Brennan lifted his game to an otherworldly level, exactly when the team (and the entire State of Hawaii) needed him most.

It was an absolutely, unequivocally unforgettable game. With all due respect to the Boise State game and hyperbole, it was the most important game in the history of the University of Hawaii sports. It did not take any prior history of fandom or Aloha Stadium experience to understand and appreciate the full impact of that victory, not just to the football team or a small group of fans, but to the entire state of Hawaii. You could feel it in the urgency of the crowd willing the team to a comeback, hear it in the voices of the fans sitting around you, and see it on the faces of the players, coaches and students as they celebrated on the field and danced in the parking lot long after the game ended. Whether it was clear from the outset or became clear in the aftermath, the 49,677 people in that stadium witnessed much more then a football game.

They witnessed history.

(Well, all except the guy sitting directly in front of me. I kid you not, he was on his laptop, writing a research paper about Sudoku for the entire game. I have the picture to prove it. Unbelievable!)

Prior to the game, Hawaii residents bemoaned the sky high prices and competitive resale market that developed for the tickets. After the game, you could not find a single fan who regretted paying the $75-600+ for their ticket (Washington fans excluded, of course). And who can blame them? The game unfolded like a MasterCard commercial.

4 Tickets to the game on Craigslist: $500
Aloha Stadium Parking: $5
Beer, sausage, kalbi and poke for tailgating: $50
Green and White body paint: $7.50
Watching your star quarterback, who gave up a multi-million dollar signing bonus and the chance to play in the NFL, lead the team back from a 21 point second quarter deficit with a transcendent quarterbacking performance that he capped off with a game winning touchdown pass in the final seconds: Utterly. Totally. Unquestionably. Priceless.

As my mom so eloquently put it, they could make a movie about this season and no one would believe it.

“No way do they win their second game of the season with a 49 yard field goal to send the game into overtime and a pass deflection on their opponents two point conversion on the final play of the game.”

“No way do they win a nationally televised game on the road, against their former coach, in overtime, after a 14 point comeback, in torrential rain, in the mud.”

“No way do they win a game, on the road, without their starting quarterback with a desperation drive that involved long third and fourth down conversion and ended with back to back 45 yard field goals.”

And, finally…

“Absolutely, no way, no how, do they win their final game after giving up three first quarter fumbles, a penalty on fourth down to extend a drive and surrendering 21 unanswered points by outscoring the other team 35-7 to end the game, capped off by a game winning drive where the star quarterback overruled the coaches call to score a touchdown on the final play of his college career and a game saving stop where the defense intercepted the final pass that bounced off the opposing Tight End’s hands, in end zone, with seven seconds remaining.”

That’s too Hollywood. It is not remotely believable.

But I believe. And so do the other 49,676 people at Aloha Stadium as well as the hundreds of thousands of Hawaii residents and millions of ESPN viewers who saw, no, experienced the game for themselves. Perhaps most importantly, the college football coaches, Harris poll voters and computer ranking systems who determine the BCS ranking believe, because Hawaii ended up with a top 10 BCS ranking, which guaranteed them a spot in the Sugar Bowl as well as the $4,500,000.00 (I like to type it out. It seems bigger that way.) paycheck which coincides.

So whether you’re an old fan, a new fan, going to the Sugar Bowl or watching the game at home, sit back, relax and drink in the victory. Blow hundreds of dollars on University of Hawaii merchandise, tattoo “June Jones 4 Life” on your forearm, name your unborn child “Colt Brennan” (Please, honey. PLEASE!), paint your house green and white, mow a giant “H” into your lawn, learn the ha’a, grow dreads or dye the Hawaiian islands in the side of your head. Just remember, no matter what you do, clear all your plans for January 1st and write your Sudoku paper BEFORE the Sugar Bowl.

Trust me on this one.

BCS or Bust?

A year ago, I would have been laughed at for suggesting that any of the following were possible:

· The University of Hawaii will play in a BCS bowl game

· Colt Brennan will win the Heisman Trophy Finalist

· Jessica Biel will take a brief hiatus from acting to bear my child

But that was before Hawaii went 11-3. Before they eviscerated Arizona State in the Hawaii Bowl. Before Colt Brennan threw for 5549 yards, completed over 70% of his passes and shattered the NCAA record for touchdowns in a season by throwing 58. Before Jessica went public with the details about our love affair. (Ok, I’m still waiting for that last one, but I’m sure she’ll announce it any day now…BTW, my wife hasn’t stopped laughing since she read that.)

Now, stories about the University of Hawaii’s quest for a BCS bowl berth and Colt’s Heisman campaign fill the pages of the Honolulu Advertiser and Star-Bulletin. Throngs of fans calling to sound off about the latest Warrior victory and Colt Brennan’s latest touchdown pass dominate the airwaves of local talk radio. The traffic on game days blocks the freeways in every direction and every bar with a television is packed with the green, black and white clad members of Warrior nation.

Warrior hype has grown to such epic proportions that even the national media has jumped on the Warrior bandwagon. The University of Hawaii is currently ranked 17th and 19th respectively in the USA Today Coaches Poll and AP Top 25; Colt Brennan is listed on every major list of Heisman candidates; Sportscenter shows UH highlights on a weekly basis; The New York Times wrote a full page feature article on Brennan’s improbable rise to glory; ESPN just put Colt Brennan on the cover of ESPN the Magazine; Most importantly, EA Sports finally showed UH some love and created the best University of Hawaii video game football team of all time in NCAA Football 2008! (Took them long enough. I’ve been playing as Timmy Chang and Chad Owens in NCAA 2005 for the past four years…)

Truth be told, the University of Hawaii football team has never had more exposure the it does right now. In fact, the team will have more hype by the time you finish reading this sentence then it did before you started. More newspaper articles. More video highlights. More radio airtime. More people talking, walking, eating and breathing University of Hawaii football then ever before.

Which brings us to a startling point about Warrior football: The team has never had more pressure then it does right now. Previously, success was defined as going to a bowl game. This season, many people consider anything less then an undefeated season and a trip to a BCS bowl game a failure. Not just disappointing, but a complete and utter failure.

I’m here to tell you, right here and right now, that is ridiculous.

First and foremost, this will be the most exciting season in the history of the program, regardless of the outcome. Between an offense that scores at will, a revitalized defense, three potential NFL caliber receivers, Colt’s Heisman campaign and the staggering visibility in the national media there are more compelling reasons to watch Warrior football now then ever before. Previously, a casual fan might watch the Boise and Fresno State games and read about the other games in the paper. Now, even an otherwise uninteresting matchup against Northern Colorado is an opportunity to watch Colt Brennan pass for 400 yards…IN A HALF! No matter how many games this team wins or losses, people will be talking about this season for years to come.

More importantly, this team has made a permanent mark on both the football program and the community. June Jones has created an excitement around UH Football that will not graduate with Colt Brennan. The team started attracting recruits who can run the 40 in under four and a half seconds and have nicknames like “Action”. (For those of you unfamiliar with the history of UH football, we used to attract recruits best described as “overachievers” with nicknames like “Pencil Neck”.) These players used to go to BCS conference schools. Now, they’re leaving BCS schools to come to the University of Hawaii. This past year, only six schools in the entire country had more players drafted is a sign of the times.

So watch with pride while the offense is clicking, the crowds are increasing, the excitement is building and the march towards history continues. But, even if, god forbid, Colt Brennan has an off game, or the defense collapses and the team loses a game this season, don’t panic and don’t lose site of the real milestone: Not that the Warriors might play in a BCS game this year, but that they can. The Warriors broke the glass ceiling of the BCS and now the gloves are off. No matter what happens this year, Warriormania is here to stay.

From now on, at the start of every season you’ll be able to say:

· The University of Hawaii has a chance to play in a BCS bowl game

· [Insert name of starting QB] has a chance to win the Heisman Trophy

· You heard all about it from Jessica Biel’s baby Daddy

Hey, don’t laugh. Just talk to me in a year.