Welcome back to barguments, a series of short posts designed to help you sound like a genius while discussing sports around the water cooler or win an argument at a bar, a bar argument, or bargument, if you will.
Don't get me wrong. You don't need the help. The mere fact that you're reading the JBorhood suggests you possess a mighty intellect and staggering good looks, however, I'm going to kick it up a notch (the intellect, not the looks; not that you need any help, you sexy beast). That way, you can devote more of your free time to your true pleasures, like go-cart racing, monkey jousting, and iambic pentameter poetry writing.
Today's bargument is about hand jobs, hamburgers, and swift kicks in the nuts.
A hamburger is better than a swift kick in the nuts. Not exactly groundbreaking news.
A hand job is better than a hamburger in almost all cases. However, if made correctly, a burger can approach, though not exceed, a poorly executed digital pleasuring.
By the transitive property, a hand job is better than a swift kick in the nuts, not that it was up for debate.
The relative merits of the items in question shouldn't raise too many eyebrows, however, they're important for establishing our baseline.
Hand Job > Hamburger > Swift Kick in the Nuts
You'd think this was straight forward, but that's because you're a devastatingly beautiful, astute reader of the JBorhood and not a BCS apologist.
One of the most common arguments levied in favor of the BCS is, "It's better than the old system!" Yes, that's true. Any system that matches the two (arguably) best teams in the country is better than one that does not. Nearly everyone agrees that Oregon and Auburn are the best two teams in the country, in some order, and are excited to watch them play for the National Title on January 10th. But then, nearly everyone agrees that a hamburger is better than a swift kick in the nuts.
That doesn't make a hamburger better than a hand job.
A playoff system (4 team; 8 team; 128 team; whatever) is better than the current BCS system. There is no single convincing argument supporting a bizarre, black-box ranking system that concludes that the #10 team in the Country is better than the #11 team because Appalachian State beat Western Illinois unconvincingly -- No, really -- over a playoff, the method employed by every single other sport on the planet. None. So people need to stop trumpeting the mind-numbingly trite fact that a BCS system is better than the original Bowl system as evidence against the need for a playoff.
Yes, the BCS is better than the nothing, but that doesn't make it better than a playoff (or a hand job, for that matter).
So, the next time a smug, ironic college football hipster tries to pass off the superiority of the BCS over the Bowl system as a pseudo-intellectual argument against a playoff, ask them how they feel about hamburgers and hand jobs. Better yet, just give them a swift kick in the nuts.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Hamburgers, handjobs and the BCS
Thursday, December 04, 2008
The Annual JBorhood Thankgiving Extravaganza! 2008
Some holiday festivities, like drinking hot buttered rum and watching A Christmas Story, deserve to become traditions. Others, like getting a sinus infection, taking NyQuil, passing out and locking your wife out of the apartment, not so much (see honey, isn't it a little funny when you read it in print?).
Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports.
(For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)
I believe society in general spends too much time discussing everything that's wrong with sports (the money, the egos, the unintentionally comedic and sexually suggestive 80's dance videos). On the contrary, I enjoy the opportunity to highlight and celebrate everything right about sports. With that in mind, I'd like to formally announce a new JBorhood Tradition: The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza!
Because what's a holiday without an absurdly long name?
In 2009, I'm thankful for... Ping Pong Balls
The best thing about the NBA is that one player can completely turn around a franchise.
Similarly, the worst thing about the NBA is that getting one of these players is almost impossible.
Not only do you have to get the first pick in the draft, which is determined through a bingo-type weighted lottery system where the number of ping-pong balls for a given team is inversely related to their total wins, you have to hope that a franchise player is available and that your GM isn't too much of a f***tard to draft them. (Please excuse my French, but if you pass up Chris Paul for Andrew Bogut there's no other word for you. In fact, even that might be too kind.) Consequently, a large number of NBA teams toil in the hopelessness of NBA purgatory: too good to get a decent draft pick, not good enough to compete for a title.
Last season, my beloved Bulls found themselves in this hopeless quagmire and I had no hope that they would extricate themselves from this hopeless cycle any time soon. Two days after my daughter was born, that all changed.
I sat in the recovery room with my wife and two day old daughter watching ESPN when the draft lottery came on. (FYI - A newborn wants only to eat, sleep and be held. Coincidentally, all three of these things are easily accomplished while sitting on a couch watching sports. Babies: more useful then you'd think...) I rubbed my baby's head for good luck and whispered a prayer to God. "God, if you let the Bulls win the lottery, I'll consider letting her date before the age of 35. Your move."
The Bulls were slated to get the 9th pick in the draft and had only had a 1.7% chance of one of their ping pong balls emerging from the lottery, so I resigned myself to disappointment and tried to get excited about the Bulls inevitable pick of Brook Lopez. (In my opinion, it's never good when your NBA Power Forward's name sounds like it should belong to a female beach volleyball player.) But, when David Stern opened the envelope for the ninth pick in the draft, the envelope did not say Chicago Bulls; it said Charlotte Bobcats, meaning the Bulls were assured of a top 3 pick.
I started to get more nervous and excited than I'd been since the day my child was born. I rubbed my baby's head again and said another prayer to God. "God, if you give the Bulls the number one pick, I'll consider letting her date before the ago of 25. Your move."
Suffice to say, God is of the opinion that my daughter should date before graduating from college. (Though we never clarified whether the dates had to be unsupervised...)
Flash forward 6-months, Derrick Rose is setting the NBA on fire, looking like a can't-miss superstar and the Bulls -- and their fans -- have a renewed sense of hope.
And none of it would have been possible without a little help from ping-pong balls (and God's liberal dating policies).
In 2009, I'm thankful for... Bernard Pollard
Bernard Pollard is single-handedly responsible for the craziest, most competitive NFL season in recent memory. When he barreled though the Patriots line, five minutes into the season and exploded Tom Brady's ACL, MCL, PCL (and probably a couple really cool CLs that I don't even know about), he effectively eliminated the NFL's one dominant team and turned the rest of the season into a complete crap shoot. Last year, 13 weeks into the season it was the Patriots and everyone else. This year...
- A staggering 21 of 32 teams have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. (My condolences to the Browns, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams.)
- 9 of the 12 potential NFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons.)
- 7 of the 9 potential AFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Dolphins and Bills)
And none of it would have been possible without Bernard Pollard.
In 2009, I'm thankful for... The Perfect Excuse
Forget about the unconditional love, the excitement of new experiences, or the inexplicable wonder of each day. The best part about having a baby is that you can use them as the ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.
Seriously, now that I have a kid, I have a built-in excuse to watch any sporting event at any time. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'd love to volunteer at the orphanage today, but I have to stay in and watch the Lakers...err, baby." The only difference between watching a game with a baby and watching a game without a baby is that you have to change diapers at half time. A small price to pay for unlimited sports watching privileges.
But using your baby as an excuse to watch sports is only the beginning. The only thing limiting the type of excuse for which you can use your baby is your imagination.
"Sorry, I'm late. You know. The baby."
"Did someone fart? Oh, baby, that's terrible!"
"Sorry for not shaving or showering in over two weeks and wearing a bathing suit and a T-shirt to work. I have a baby."
"Sorry for starting at your breasts. I have a baby."
"I'd like a rum and coke and a shot of Jaeger. Oh, don't worry. The Jaeger is for the baby."
If I end up having another kid, I think I'll just streamline the process and name him "His Fault." "Oh, I'm sorry I ran over your Grandmother. It was His Fault." Now if you excuse me, I need to talk my wife out of signing those divorce papers.
I'm sorry for making an inappropriate joke, honey. You know. The baby...
In 2009, I'm thankful for... Greg Alexander
After three years of Colt Brennan football, I began to take the quarterback position for granted. I grew fat off the lamb of 50 point outings and accustomed to jaw-dropping 30-yard strikes hitting the hands of wide receivers in stried. I had conversations about my disappointment after "sub-par" 300 yard, 3 touchdown performances. I figured that, even after Colt left, someone would come assume the throne as the rightful heir to the mantle of UH Quarterbacks. Hell, even I could throw for 250 and 2 TD's in that offense. Right?
WRONG.
In their first three games against Division I opponents, UH Quarterbacks threw one touchdown pass and 12 interceptions. Compare that to Colt Brennan, who in 2006 threw 13 interceptions THE ENTIRE SEASON. (It also bears mentioning that he accompanied those INTs with an NCAA record 58 touchdowns.)
After watching erstwhile starter Inoke Funaki attempt to set offense football back a century against Boise State, I inquired about the possibility of petitioning for lifetime NCAA eligibility for Colt Breannan. (Seriously, some guys are just born to play college sports and Colt is one of them. Why waste his talent on the bench in Washington when he can resume his rightful place behind center for the UH Warriors for the next 20 years. Similarly, the NCAA needs to grant lifetime eligibility to Tyler Hansborough. I refuse to sit idly by while he becomes our generations Christian Laettner.)
I told myself that the offense was simply undergoing growing pains following the departure of June Jones.
I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.
I did anything I could to make UH football watchable, but nothing worked.
Nothing, that is, until Greg "I-don't-care-that-you're-not-really-that-good-you-look-like-a-combination-of-Payton-Manning-and-Jesus-compared-to-the-other-quarterbacks" Alexander took over. After taking over the starting job in Game 8, Alexander did not throw an interception until the 4th quarter of Game 12. For the more mathematically inclined JBors, that is a 2000% decrease in the number of interceptions thrown in comparison to his predecessors. For those of you not so mathematically inclined, that's a good thing.
He may not be perfect. He may not have a laser rocket arm. He may not be Colt Brennan. Hell, he may not even be Timmy Chang. But Greg Alexander can throw a football down field and occasionally have it caught by other players, most of whom play for our team and for that, I am thankful.
Trust me. If you watched the first half of the University of Hawaii's season, you'd be thankful too.
In 2009, I'm thankful for... Iowa Football
Two years in a row, college football fans watched a Big Ten team embarrass themselves in the National Title Game, both times rendering the contest virtually unwatchable. This year, that scenario threatened to occur for a third straight year as Penn State marched toward an unbeaten season.
Even though Penn State often struggled against mediocre competition and did not have a single signature non-conference win on their schedule -- No, beating Oregon State does not qualify as a "signature win" no matter what USC fans tell you. You lose to Stanford, I stop taking you seriously. End of story. -- the feel-good story of iconic coach Joe Paterno's return to prominence made them a virtual lock for the title game if they finished the season undefeated. After they narrowly edge perennial Big Ten powerhouse Ohio State, only Iowa stood in between them and a date with destiny.
Truth be told, I already had a soft spot in my heart for the Hawkeyes because both my parents graduated from the University of Iowa. Even still, heading into the match-up with Penn State, I put the Hawkeyes chances of victory somewhere between the possibility of peace in the Middle East and the likelihood that Catherine Zeta-Jones will one day return my undying affection (I'll let you surmise which one of those is more likely). Iowa has a solid football team -- good defense, strong running game -- but the list of big Iowa football victories is about the same size as the list of Matt LeBlanc's hit movies. Their last marquee game involved a 38-17 drubbing at the hands of USC in the 2003 Orange Bowl. (Note: It should say something that their last marquee game occurred in 2003.)
Yet, there they were. Making an improbable drive, capped off by an unbelievable 3rd and 10 conversion by a Quarterback who didn't assume the starting role until the 6th game of the season. Now, rather than brace for another Big 10 drubbing in the national championship game, college football fans are getting excited for a Alabama/Florida vs. Texas/Oklahoma showdown of the Titans.
And none of it would have been possible without the Iowa Hawkeyes.
In 2009, I'm thankful for... A Beautiful, Happy, Healthy Baby Girl
Nothing that has occurred in my life up to this point could have prepared me for the joy of my little baby smiling at me whenever I walk into a room. I love her so much and wish I could spend every moment of every day with her. I'm thankful for a lot of things to do with sports this year, but none quite compare with how thankful I am for my baby girl.
Happy Holidays Everyone!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis
There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.
No one, except, of course, me.
I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.
(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)
Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans
No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.
No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.
No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)
No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.
But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.
Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys
I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.
Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football
I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )
Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football
If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?
Credit Approved: Derrick Rose
I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)
Credit Denied: Greg Oden
Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)
Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers
They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.
Credit Denied: Boston Celtics
Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.
The reason?
No James Posey.
(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)
Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.
Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets
Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.
Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs
You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.
Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies
No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.
Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?
Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays
I know, I know. They lost.
But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.
Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs
Some things just speak for themselves...
Friday, October 17, 2008
Limit your Enthusiasm
In light of the Cubs alacritous exit from the postseason and my corresponding one week hiatus from the JBorhood, I want to answer a few pending questions before we get started.
(Big shot out to my boy Jew -- don't look at me, he came up with the name -- for posing some of the questions and convincing me to address the Cubs meltdown.)
1. What happened to last week's article?
The Cubs happened. They crapped all over my week. If I had written an article, it would have consisted solely of cuss words, exclamation points, and phonetic representations of me vomiting every time I heard about how Joe Torre's experience was the key factor in the Dodgers win. Trust me when I say that those thoughts are better left unpublished. I'd say it's a 50/50 shot it would land me on the U.S. Government no-fly-list for terroristic threatening and would undoubtedly be admissible in court as certifiable proof of my insanity and instability. Let's move on, shall we?
2. Was this year's collapse the most painful Cubs collapse in history?
No, and it's not even close. This year you could see the collapse coming a mile away, whereas, in 2003, they were five outs away from the World Series before...well, before you-know-what. That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.
3. Who is your pick now in MLB?
I'm hoping for a never-ending series of scoreless innings that prevents anyone from winning until March when they finally have to call off the World Series to start next season. Barring that, I'll take the Phillies.
4. Speaking of the Phillies, did PETA really ask Shane Victorino to stop eating SPAM?
Yes, he says, laughing hysterically, but as much as I agree that Hormel is guilty of mistreatment of Animals, trying to get Hawaii to give up SPAM is a lost cause. If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.
Ok, I feel much better. Let's get down to business.
It's important to know your limitations.
For instance, I'm a terrible multitasker, so I don't talk on my cell phone and drive. Similarly, I know very little about foreign policy, couldn't provide any insight on how to solve the health care crisis in America, and learned everything I know about the problems facing social security from the back of a Starbucks cup, so I wouldn't run for Vice President. Now, now, before my Conservative readers revolt (readers? I have readers?), I don't mean that as a knock against Sarah Palin. Actually, quite the contrary. I feel bad for her. She's an amazing orator and an incredibly accomplished woman, unfortunately, she's just wildly unqualified to take on the intrinsic responsibilities of the Vice Presidency and wasn't ready for the unrelenting scrutiny of the presidential race. (I know that the media is all about sound bites and quotes taken out of context, but seriously, if you can't name one newspaper you read, I'm pretty sure that should disqualify you from running the free world, no?) I'm sure she thought she was up to the challenge when she accepted the nomination, but, sadly, she was a victim of her own overconfidence, and now she and John McCain's chances of success are paying for it.
Hey, jerkoff. Aren't you supposed to be a sports columnist?
I'm so glad you asked. The meteoric rise and fall of Sarah Palin is not simply an interesting political vignette, it's an important lesson to sports fans everywhere:
It's important to know your limitations.
Knowing their limitation is what helped Cubs fans come to grips with their team's typical post-season collapse.
It's what makes the lives of Lions fans, who already know they can start spending time with their families on Sundays, better then the lives of Giants fans, who, in the wake of a brutal loss to the Browns are left wondering whether their team is actually one of the best in the NFL or just the lucky recipient of an easy early season schedule. (It's easy to go 4-1 when you play the Bengals, Rams and Seahawks, but the Giants final ten games are Pittsburgh, Dallas, @Philly, Baltimore, @Arizona, @Washington, Philly, @Dallas, Carolina, @Minnesota. Still feeling comfortable Men of Eli?)
It's what makes me trust a 5-1 University of Florida team, coming off a beat down of previously #4 LSU, more then an undefeated Alabama team, who was outscored 30-10 in the second half of their signature win of the season.
Finally, it's the reason I didn't celebrate UH's improbable win over Fresno State with the same enthusiasm as the rest of the State of Hawaii. Because I have less of an understanding of the football team after the game then I did before it.
(Author's Note: I would like to state, for the record, that I missed the game because I was the best man at my buddy's wedding. As I mentioned at the time and would like to reiterate now, friends aren't people who help you move; Friends are people who come to your wedding instead of watching UH upset Fresno State. Congratulations again, J Rock.)
Before the game, I thought UH was a bad football team. But, bad football teams don't go into Fresno and win. Bad football teams don't block field goals to save the game as time expires. Bad football teams don't beat Top 25 teams. On the road. For the first time in their program's history. (Raise your hand if you thought UH would beat a Top 25 team on the road for the first time in the program's history the year AFTER Colt Brennan graduated? You can put your hand down, Coach McMackin.). But, likewise, good teams don't struggle to beat 1-AA Weber State. Good teams don't let Louisiana Tech hang around. Good teams certainly don't lose to San Jose State at home. So then what is UH?
The truth is, we don't know. We know what the Warriors are capable of, we just don't know what to expect. Which is not a good thing heading into a 2 pm nationally televised showdown today with #15 ranked Boise State at Boise, where the Broncos have a 16-game winning streak. The Warriors have done just enough to make me tune in, just enough to make me interested, and just enough to rip my heart out if they lose big. Maybe the Warriors make history and win their second consecutive road game against a nationally ranked opponent. Maybe they get utterly embarrassed in front of a nationally audience.
At least, when it's all said and done, we'll know what to make of this team.
Friday, September 19, 2008
A thin correlation between love and hate
WARNING: Reading the following article will make you an asshole. Not quite a just-finished-reading-Atlas-
Consider yourself warned.
(Yeah, I just said bloviating. That just happened).
I love the start of the Football season. The pageantry of the college game, the intensity of the NFL, and, most of all, the idiocy of football commentators. It would seem, the only qualifications for discussing football on TV, radio or in print are a lukewarm knowledge of the game, a below average intellect, and a penchant for making controversial statements. (Yes, I do realize the inherent irony of that statement coming from me.) Furthermore, since so many people discuss football, everyone tries to come up with new, original insights, no matter how absurd, just so they can claim the idea as their own.
If Carson Palmer completes 73.275% of his passes, the Bengals will win tonight.
If Georgia turns the ball over less then three times, scores more then 26 and three quarters points and limits USC to 316 passing yards or less, they will definitely win.
As long as Jon Gruden finishes his grilled cheese sandwich by half time, Tampa Bay should win on Sunday.
I'm confident that if the University of Hawaii scores more points then San Jose State, they'll have a good chance to win.
I find this unendingly funny, because football is, inherently, a simple game. The team that controls the line of scrimmage and protects the ball usually wins. Other then that, you're splitting hairs and over analyzing a game between twenty-somethings with a ball that doesn't bounce straight.
That's not to say that there aren't valid statistical indicators. How well a team runs the football, how well a team stops the run, and a team's turnover margin, all provide quality insight about a team. But, outside of those, which, as you may have noticed, simply indicate how well a team controls the line of scrimmage and protects the ball, most other statistics are simply flashy numbers that commentators misinterpret to prove their own preconceived notions.
My favorite statistic, bar none, that commentators routinely misinterpret is the correlation between how many rushing yards a team gets and whether or not they win.
Today, while predicting the outcome of various college football games on his radio program, Colin Cowherd said the key to the Florida-Tennessee match up, is who does a better job running the football. Colin came to this conclusion because the team that rushed for more yardage won the last six match ups.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Unbelievable, really.
I think my mind exploded.
It's brilliant, except, of course, for the fact that it's not at all true.
What Colin failed to realize is the distinction between correlation and causation. Correlation says whether or not two things are related, like rushing for more yards and winning football games or watching sports on my couch drinking beer and having the day off. Causation, on the other hand, says whether or not one thing causes the other. You see, just because I'm typically watching sports on my couch drinking beer on my days off, does not mean that watching sports on my couch drinking beer causes me to have the day off. (Believe me. I've tried.) Simply that the two occur simultaneously with relative frequency. Similarly, that fact that teams that rush for more yards typically win football games, does not mean that rushing for more yards then the other team causes teams to win football games. In fact, it's the other way around.
When teams have the lead, they typically rush the football to take time off the clock and protect the ball. Conversely, when teams are behind, they typically throw the football to try and score as fast as possible. Because of this, teams that win, typically have more rushing plays, ergo, bingo bango, more rushing yards. Rushing more then your opponent doesn't cause you to win. In general, winning causes you to rush for more then your opponents.
I sincerely apologize for bringing this to your attention. From now on, you will officially be "that guy", whenever someone claims tells you that their team needs to get their running game going. But, hey, don't blame me. I tried to warn you.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with my couch, a Cubs game and a six pack of Heineken. Because, you know, never hurts to double check...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A Job Well Done
This article is not long.
It is not verbose.
It does not explore a large number of topics.
It does not provide stunning insight.
It is not an example of great writing.
It just gets the job done. Quickly. And professionally.
Why, you ask?
In honor of the University of Hawaii Administration’s exemplary performance in the aftermath of the departure of head football coach June Jones.
President David McClain, Chancellor Virginia Hinshaw, interim Athletic Director Carl Clap and interim assistant Athletic Director John MacNamara acted with poise, grace, honesty and humility in the face of an angry and frustrated fan base, the firing of their Athletic Director and the onslaught of the local media. They displayed diplomacy when they worked with the workers’ union to reduce the required posting period of the head football coach position from ten days to five. They displayed great judgment when they hired a coach who could retain the current recruits, fans and offensive and defensive systems that have been so successful over the past nine years. Most importantly they displayed teamwork that had been glaringly absent from the athletic department when they openly involved the governor, legislature, boosters, fans and members of the current football team in the hiring process.
On behalf of the fans of Warrior Nation and the esteemed members of the J-Borhood, I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to each member of the administration.
Thank you, Mr. McClain.
Thank you, Mrs. Hinshaw.
Thank you, Mr. Clap.
Thank you, Mr. MacNamara.
When people said the football program was dead, you did not waste time. You did not flood the media with false promises. You did not trip over the hurdles of bureaucracy. You just went to work and got the job done. For that, you deserve our praise and support.
I look forward to your continued success and implore you to continue working with the same type of poise, grace, honesty, teamwork and humility that you displayed over the previous week. If you do, I could not be more confident in the continued success of our athletic program and our University.
Please accept well deserved congratulations for a job done well.
Friday, January 18, 2008
A Football Carol
"I am confident that the spirit and unity the Warriors and all the people of Hawai'i gained as a result of Coach Jones' accomplishments will continue as the University of Hawai'i moves into a new chapter in its athletic history." - Governor Linda Lingle
At the time the Governor delivered her public farewell to outgoing University of Hawaii head football coach June Jones, the words sounded more like a eulogy then a goodbye. A mournful admission of defeat to a downtrodden people. Now, less then a week later, the words carry a renewed sense of hope as the University positions itself to rebound in the wake of Jones’ stunning rebuke. The feelings of despair have been replaced by a guarded optimism and a renewed sense of hope. The discussions about the demise of the football program have turned into debate over how UH can not only salvage the remnants of disaster, but regain their pre-Sugar Bowl momentum and continue to take their football program to the next level.
How did we arrive at this point? How did the administration stage the kind of turnaround we’ve become accustomed to seeing from the football team? Finally, and most importantly, what recent developments revived the spirits of Warrior Nation and positioned the University of Hawaii to recapture the magic of 2007?
[Author’s note: I have been so busy and the events of the past week have transpired so quickly that from the moment I started writing this article (Tuesday, 1/8) to now (Tuesday 1/15), the subject of this article has changed three times. In order to make sense of the rapidly evolving landscape of the June Jones aftermath, I’m going to channel my inner-Dickens and summon three ghosts to help provide clarity:
• The Ghost of UH Football Past
• The Ghost of UH Football Present
• The Ghost of UH Football Future
Don’t worry, I promise the last ghost won’t try to push you into your grave. I make no promises about the first ghost…]
The Ghost of UH Football Past: Monday, January 7
Enter skeletal figure, carrying ominous scythe, wearing a long black hooded cloak and bearing an uncanny resemblance to Herman Frasier.
(Herman): Come with me, brave souls, and learn from my misdeeds. It is too late to save me, but perhaps you can save yourselves. What I show you may chill you to the bone, but it is the only way to save you…the only way…
On the morning of Monday, January 7, less then a week after the Warriors stunning Sugar Bowl defeat, Stephen Tsai of the Honolulu Advertiser announced the unthinkable: June Jones had accepted an offer to become the head football coach for Southern Methodist University. Making matters worse, June suggested he left because of frustration over the UH’s poor athletic facilities and the lack of commitment from the UH Administration to improve them. Not only was our savior/hero coach leaving, but he essentially announced that no one else would want to replace him because the University lacked the necessary infrastructure to succeed.
At the time, it seemed like the death knell for the football program at the University of Hawaii. Twelve years after June rescued the program from an 0-12 season and a likely move to Division II, it appeared that the program would once again slip into obscurity. In the blink of an eye, the groundswell of support generated by the Warriors miraculous run to the Sugar Bowl, turned into a tidal wave of sadness, frustration and anger.
As I watched a horde of screaming fans demand for the immediate termination of athletic director Herman Frasier on the evening news, I hung my head, took a deep breath and prepared to write a eulogy to the University of Hawaii football program…
(Herman): I’d show you more of Black Monday’s harrowing events, but I didn’t anticipate the demand for reviewing them and I sold the remainder of the tickets. As I said, it’s too late for me…for me…for me…
The Ghost of UH Football Present: Tuesday, January 8
Enter kindly subdued Asian man, holding two Heisman trophy’s, wearing an NCAA Championship ring and a Tennessee Titans jersey.
(Norm Chow): Hello, fellow sons of Hawaii. I know that all hope seems lost, but the sky is always blackest just before the dawn. Take my hand, I can show you the way.
[Author’s note: I’m not entirely sure why my Norm Chow speaks like Cain from Kung Fu, but I wouldn’t it be REALLY funny if he did. Seriously, can’t you imagine him getting all Zen-Master on Vince Young?
“Vince, Confucius say, Quarterback who runs first, pays later”
Ok, maybe it’s just me.]
No one can pinpoint exactly what happened between Monday and Tuesday, but no one denies that something took place. Maybe it was the long night sleep. Maybe it was the abrupt firing of Herman Frasier. Maybe it was Lee Cataluna’s article unabashedly disparaging June Jones that cathartically ripped off the band-aid. Whatever it was, the tenor of the general public on Tuesday had a markedly different tone then it did on Monday. All of a sudden, June Jones dissenters came out of the wood work. Government officials and UH Administration members began discussing ways to improve the UH facilities. Fans began suggesting ways the University could not only salvage the situation, but continue to improve the football program.
On my way home from work that day, I had an epiphany: Norm Chow.
Norm Chow is an offensive mastermind who could continue the tradition of high scoring offensive innovation at the University. He tutored two Heisman winners (Ty Detmer, Matt Leinart) and aided in the development of two other NFL stars (Phillip Rivers, Vince Young). Furthermore, since he most recently worked as the offensive coordinator for the Tennessee Titans, he would bring an NFL pedigree to the University to help attract further recruits.
But that’s just half of it. The real beauty of hiring Norm Chow is how much both sides need and would appreciate each other. It is no secret that Norm has wanted to become a head coach for a long time now. He waited patiently at BYU for over 15 years only to see the head coach job eventually go to someone else. He’s continued to work as an offensive coordinator, molding Phillip Rivers into a Top #5 NFL draft pick at NC State and helping USC win a national championship, but each time he applied for a job – first at Stanford, later at Washington – the Universities decided to hire someone else. Now, with UH desperately in need of a head coach, they can finally offer a native son an opportunity to claim his rightful spot as the head of a football program.
The final piece positive aspect of hiring Norm Chow is the large outpouring of support he would receive from the local community. While June Jones ostracized many of the long time football fans when he changed the team colors, uniforms, logo and the name of the team from the Rainbows to the Warriors. Most fans eventually came around when he began to turn around the program, but many old timers retained their bitterness to a coach whom they viewed as an outsider. Norm, on the other hand, is the ultimate insider. He is born on the islands, has openly discussed longing to return and has the respectful, deferential mindset that islanders love and respect – think the Dan Akaka of football. In short, Norm Chow offers an opportunity to retain the new fans and win back the old ones.
Truly, a match made in heaven.
(Norm Chow): I am humbled by your praise, but sadly, our destinies do not align. Fear not my sons, I have more offense to orchestrate while your fate lies in the hands of another…another…another…
The Ghost of UH Football Future: Wednesday, January 9 – Tuesday, January 15
Enter portly, jovial man wearing a Sugar Bowl hat, national championship ring and a beaming smile.
(Greg McMackin): Hi, I’m Greg McMackin. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m honored to meet such a loyal fan of the Warrior football program.
(You): Really? Wow, thanks.
(Greg McMackin): You’re very welcome. If you’d be so kind as to come with me, I have some exciting things to show you.
When June Jones left, it was a foregone conclusion that current Warriors defensive coordinator, Greg McMackin, would follow him to SMU. Greg was a loyal June supporter and had previously said that he’d never work for another head coach again. However, on Wednesday afternoon, Bobby Curran announced a way that Greg McMackin could remain at the University without working for a new head coach: He wanted to be head coach.
Fireworks exploded in my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was too perfect.
Greg McMackin is a FABULOUS football coach. He’s not an offensive guru like June Jones, but he has equal talents on the defensive side of the ball. He was the defensive coordinator of the fearsome Miami teams in the late 80’s that won a national title, worked as the defensive coordinator of the Seattle Seahawks for four years and was the associate head coach for the San Francisco 49ers. He was also the head coach at Oregon Tech for four years, during which time he won the NAIA national championship as well as the coach of the year award twice. He was the defensive coordinator for the University of Hawaii for two years under coach June Jones and the Warriors won the WAC championship both years; Interestingly enough, the only two years in which June led the Warriors to a WAC title.
Hiring McMackin gave us a chance to retain the majority of our coaching staff and our recruits and completely eliminate any setbacks from trying to install a new offensive or defensive system. Even though June Jones served as the offensive coordinator through his tenure at UH, assistant coach Ron Lee has run the run-and-shoot for over 20 years, nine of them under the tutelage of Jones, and worked as the offensive coordinator for Coach McMackin at Oregon Tech where they won two NAIA titles in four years. If Coach McMackin took over the program, he could turn the offense over to Ron’s capable hands and keep the high octane offense in place at Aloha Stadium.
While I worked myself into a frenzy and proceeded to call every sports fan I knew, I could not shake the feeling that something would get in the way of this perfect situation.
The interim athletic directors wouldn’t get the deal done.
The legislature wouldn’t make the necessary commitments to the facilities.
McMackin would have second thoughts and decide to join June at SMU.
(You): Does it work out ok? Does Coach McMackin get the job? Can they afford to get the operation for Tiny Tim?
(Coach McMackin): (laughs) You’ll see.
On Tuesday, January 14, UH did the impossible. They salvaged the wreckage of their program, made the perfect hire and restored faith in their football program. At eight in the morning, UH Chancellor Virginia Hinshaw announced that the University was hiring Greg McMackin to become the next football coach of the Warriors. She also announced that the University had committed to upgrade the athletic facilities. Lastly, she stunned the crowd when by letting them know that Tiny Tim had a successful operation and that he was committing to the UH football team to play quarterback.
(Ok, she might not have announced that last part, but it sure felt like it.)
In the span of eight days, the University managed to save their football program and, more importantly, save a fan base that had completely lost hope. They still have a lot of work to do to convince their recruits not to follow Coach Jones, face an uphill battle in acquiring long term financial commitments from the legislature and will need to continue their recent success in order to keep their fans energized, but for the moment, all is well in Warrior Nation.
What once sounded like a desperate plea by the Governor, now stands out as a beacon of hope. A reminder that the spirit and the unity of the State of Hawaii will prevail.
God bless the Governor.
God bless the Administration.
God bless Coach McMackin.
(Tiny Tim): God bless us, every one!
(You): Amen, Tim. Amen.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Death of the Heisman
The Heisman is dead.
The once proud pantheon of college football’s greatest honor has degenerated into a two-bit popularity contest and a useless anachronism from a bye-gone era. And it happened right before our eyes.
According to the Heisman trust, the society responsible for maintaining the storied Heisman tradition, the Heisman is awarded to the “most outstanding college football player” each year. In the past, this meant the player who most distinguished themselves as a player, teammate and leader through the course of the college football season.
Take, for example, the statistics from two quarterbacks who featured prominently in the Heisman balloting in 2006.
Quarterback B had superior numbers in almost every category, shattered numerous NCAA records and led the nations leading offense, but Quarterback A led the number one team in the country to an undefeated season, conference championship and berth in a BCS game. Justifiably, the voters overlooked the statistical differences and awarded the Heisman Trophy to Player B. In fact, I don’t think you’ll find too many people that disagree with the fact that Troy Smith (Player A) deserved the Heisman in 2006 more then up and coming record setter Colt Brennan (Player B). Brennan put up huge numbers, but came up short in the three biggest games of the year (Alabama, Boise State, Oregon State), while Troy Smith efficiently and effectively led the Buckeyes to a spot in the National Championship game.
Now, take a look at the statistics from two quarterbacks who featured prominently in the Heisman balloting in 2007.
Look familiar?
Once again, Quarterback B had superior numbers in almost every category, set a number of NCAA records and led the most prolific offense in his conferences history, but Quarterback A lead an undefeated team to the highest national ranking in his schools history and first ever berth in a BCS bowl game.
The Heisman, of course, went to Player A again, right? RIGHT?? RIGHT??!?!?!?!??!??
Sadly, the voters took an about face and awarded the trophy to the flashiest player instead of the most valuable and, dare I say, outstanding player. In so doing, they overlooked the phenomenal impact Colt Brennan (Player A) had on the field, his team and the entire state of Hawaii and awarded football’s highest honor to Tim Tebow (Player B), a player who had a fabulous season and is an excellent leader and role model in his own right, but came up short when his team needed him the most.
In Florida’s nine wins this season, Tebow averaged 4.7 touchdowns and 359 yards of total offense.
In Florida’s three losses this season, Tebow average 2.6 touchdowns and 246 yards of total offense
Contrast that to Colt Brennan, who in the first 10 games of the season (based on the 7 full games in which he participated) completed 69% of his passes for an average of 462 yards, 5 touchdowns and 1.7 interceptions.
In the two biggest games of the year, with a Conference championship and trip to the Sugar Bowl on the line Colt completed an otherworldly 80% of this passes for an average of 468 yards, 5.5 touchdowns and 1 interception.
I do not mean to take anything away from Tim Tebow, who set a new precedent for offensive success in the SEC against much stiffer competition then what Colt and the Warriors faced, but when the spotlight was at it’s brightest and the games mattered the most, Colt was at his best and Tim Tebow was not. I’m not sure I can put it in any simpler terms.
Most years, I would have accepted Colt’s Heisman snub. I would taken solace in the win over Boise State, the first outright WAC championship and the still-not-sure-I-believe-it Sugar Bowl bid. But, as I sat at home watching the Heisman trophy presentation, ESPN commentator Chris Fowler said something that set me off. While introducing Tim Tebow he said he didn’t think that anyone in the country had nearly as profound effect on a football team and an entire state as Tebow did. That made me apoplectic. (Well, more like incredulous, but I REALLY wanted to see if I could sneak ‘apoplectic’ into a posting somehow. Mission Accomplished.)
Where was Chris Fowler when Colt gave his tearful admission that he was returning for his senior season at Hawaii because, according to him, “I like the person I’m becoming here.”?
Where was Chris Fowler when Colt was taking Samoan classes so he could communicate with his linemen, growing dreads to fit it with his wide receivers or dyeing the Hawaiian island chain into his hair to endear himself to an entire state?
Where was Chris Fowler when Colt went down with a concussion against Fresno State, sucking the life out of both the team and the 47,000 fans in attendance?
Where was Chris Fowler when Colt was enthusiastically cheering on the team from the sidelines during the Nevada game even though he couldn’t play?
Where was Chris Fowler when the entire state of Hawaii lost the ability to start a conversation without talking about the Warriors?
I am ready, albeit grudgingly, to concede that a few players had better statistical years then Colt Brennan. But I can not believe that anyone would claim that a college football player had a bigger impact, through a combination of leadership and on-field performance, then Colt Brennan. It’s simply not true.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, or perhaps, just late to the party on the Heisman front. Maybe the transition of the Heisman from a revered symbol of the best college football has to offer to a popularity contest between quarterbacks and running backs from top 10 teams has been underway for a while and I never realized it. But I can’t help shake the feeling that the Heisman lost some of it’s luster this past week.
Perhaps, if they make a remake of Planet of the Apes in 50 years, Charlton Heston’s character will be walking along the beach at the end of the movie and see the Heisman trophy lying in the sand instead of the Statue of Liberty. Only, instead of shouting to the heavens, he’ll just shake his head and say, ”maybe it’s for the best…”
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Gimme Some Sugar, Baby!
[Author’s note: I pulled the intro to this article from an email I sent this week to a fellow Warrior fan. Kawehi, if this looks familiar, now you know why!]
What a game.
What an exciting, heart wrenching, stomach turning, mind blowing, yet utterly appropriate way to end the most incredible season in UH Football history. The team demonstrated the composure, execution, talent, heart and teamwork that has characterized their magical run. The coaching staff made all the right adjustments. The fans remained a factor even after the team fell into a 21 point hole and Colt Brennan lifted his game to an otherworldly level, exactly when the team (and the entire State of Hawaii) needed him most.
It was an absolutely, unequivocally unforgettable game. With all due respect to the Boise State game and hyperbole, it was the most important game in the history of the University of Hawaii sports. It did not take any prior history of fandom or Aloha Stadium experience to understand and appreciate the full impact of that victory, not just to the football team or a small group of fans, but to the entire state of Hawaii. You could feel it in the urgency of the crowd willing the team to a comeback, hear it in the voices of the fans sitting around you, and see it on the faces of the players, coaches and students as they celebrated on the field and danced in the parking lot long after the game ended. Whether it was clear from the outset or became clear in the aftermath, the 49,677 people in that stadium witnessed much more then a football game.
They witnessed history.
(Well, all except the guy sitting directly in front of me. I kid you not, he was on his laptop, writing a research paper about Sudoku for the entire game. I have the picture to prove it. Unbelievable!)
Prior to the game, Hawaii residents bemoaned the sky high prices and competitive resale market that developed for the tickets. After the game, you could not find a single fan who regretted paying the $75-600+ for their ticket (Washington fans excluded, of course). And who can blame them? The game unfolded like a MasterCard commercial.
4 Tickets to the game on Craigslist: $500
Aloha Stadium Parking: $5
Beer, sausage, kalbi and poke for tailgating: $50
Green and White body paint: $7.50
Watching your star quarterback, who gave up a multi-million dollar signing bonus and the chance to play in the NFL, lead the team back from a 21 point second quarter deficit with a transcendent quarterbacking performance that he capped off with a game winning touchdown pass in the final seconds: Utterly. Totally. Unquestionably. Priceless.
As my mom so eloquently put it, they could make a movie about this season and no one would believe it.
“No way do they win their second game of the season with a 49 yard field goal to send the game into overtime and a pass deflection on their opponents two point conversion on the final play of the game.”
“No way do they win a nationally televised game on the road, against their former coach, in overtime, after a 14 point comeback, in torrential rain, in the mud.”
“No way do they win a game, on the road, without their starting quarterback with a desperation drive that involved long third and fourth down conversion and ended with back to back 45 yard field goals.”
And, finally…
“Absolutely, no way, no how, do they win their final game after giving up three first quarter fumbles, a penalty on fourth down to extend a drive and surrendering 21 unanswered points by outscoring the other team 35-7 to end the game, capped off by a game winning drive where the star quarterback overruled the coaches call to score a touchdown on the final play of his college career and a game saving stop where the defense intercepted the final pass that bounced off the opposing Tight End’s hands, in end zone, with seven seconds remaining.”
That’s too Hollywood. It is not remotely believable.
But I believe. And so do the other 49,676 people at Aloha Stadium as well as the hundreds of thousands of Hawaii residents and millions of ESPN viewers who saw, no, experienced the game for themselves. Perhaps most importantly, the college football coaches, Harris poll voters and computer ranking systems who determine the BCS ranking believe, because Hawaii ended up with a top 10 BCS ranking, which guaranteed them a spot in the Sugar Bowl as well as the $4,500,000.00 (I like to type it out. It seems bigger that way.) paycheck which coincides.
So whether you’re an old fan, a new fan, going to the Sugar Bowl or watching the game at home, sit back, relax and drink in the victory. Blow hundreds of dollars on University of Hawaii merchandise, tattoo “June Jones 4 Life” on your forearm, name your unborn child “Colt Brennan” (Please, honey. PLEASE!), paint your house green and white, mow a giant “H” into your lawn, learn the ha’a, grow dreads or dye the Hawaiian islands in the side of your head. Just remember, no matter what you do, clear all your plans for January 1st and write your Sudoku paper BEFORE the Sugar Bowl.
Trust me on this one.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Look out BCS! Here comes the Warriors!
I apologize for not submitting my pre-game article on time. I wanted to write about the Pre-Championship Paradox, the recent phenomenon where teams play their most pivotal game of the season before their final game (e.g. Colts-Patriots, Red Sox-Yankees, Suns-Spurs, Hawaii-Boise State). Unfortunately, I had my busiest week at work ever, which, in conjunction with the building excitement from the Washington game left me without enough time to adequately explore the subject. I'll tackle the subject at a later date, without the impending pressure of a hyper-important Warriors game looming.
Anyway, to make up for the lost article I promise to deliver a slew of coverage in the next few weeks. I have much to say about the Warriors, Colt Brennan and the impending Sugar Bowl, so I'll submit quite a bit of content soon.
In the mean time, here's a quote from the Seattle Times, talking about Washington's impression of the Warriors.
"-- UW's Roy Lewis wasn't that impressed by Hawaii. Asked where they would finish in the Pac-10 he said "probably last. To really be honest. They're a good team for the conference that they are in, but the Pac-10, I think there are just too many heavy hitters. Once teams get their number and have the right plays called, that system, like all systems, can be broken. You can find glitches in the system. They run their system very well, don't get me wrong, but there are some glitches that can be put out there.''
So, Roy. Since Hawaii BEAT Washington, where does that leave the Huskies? Is there something worse then last place in the Pac-10?
See ya soon, J
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Giving Thanks 2007
It has been an up-and-down year for sports here in the J-Borhood. My favorite teams have run the gamut from atrocious (Chicago Bulls) to staggeringly amazing (Hawaii Warriors). In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to momentarily forget the disappointments (*cough*, Rex Grossman) and share all the things in sports, for which I’m thankful this year.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
In 2007 I am thankful for…Beer
Whether watching Sunday Morning football with a Sam Adams for breakfast (oh, don’t act like I’m the only one!) or enjoying an Coors Light in the stadium parking lot before the game, nothing pairs as eloquently with watching sport as ice cold beer. Celebrating a win? Victory beer! Wallowing in defeat? Drown your sorrows. Regardless of the situation, beer provides the perfect complement to sports viewing of all kinds.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Beer may be the perfect sidekick to watching sports, but what does beer get out of the relationship? Is beer the Robin to sports’ Batman?
Never fear, J-Bors. Beer and sports form a perfectly symbiotic relationship. Beer adds an elegant accessory to any sporting event, but sports provides the single best excuse (with boating coming in at a close second) to be lazy and drink a six-pack. What other activities provide you an opportunity to sit around, do nothing for a few hours, drink beer and still call it a productive day?
(With that in mind, I plan on having a very “productive” Thanksgiving!)
(Side note: I wish I did not have to add this follow-up, but I would like to state, for the record, that the J-Borhood does not condone out of control drinking behavior. Drunken behavior, like the kind that occurred at Aloha Stadium during the Fresno State game is wildly inappropriate. So, by all means, drink up and have a good time. Just don’t act like an asshole.)
In 2007, I am thankful for…My wife’s commitment to sports
Five years ago, the Editor-in-Chief didn’t know the difference between a Tight End and timeout. Last week, I came home and she told me about Barry Bonds recent indictment, which she learned from watching Sportscenter. She still has trouble counting balls and strikes (probably because she has problems counting…) and she can’t explain the difference between a Cover-2 and a Cover-3 defense (who am I kidding? I can’t tell the difference between a Cover-2 and a Cover-3), but she can follow a game, knows when to cheer and has taken to the drinking beer aspect of sports like Elvis to a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
In 2007, I am thankful for…Dan Kelly
Before the season started, if you asked me for a list of the pivotal players on the Hawaii Warriors football team, Dan Kelly wouldn’t have made the Top 10. Hell, he wouldn’t have made the top 25. Yet, through the ten games of the season, he has been arguably the most important not named Colt Brennan. So far this year, Dan Kelly has nailed two 45+ yard field goals, with the game on the line. Three, if you want to count the first field goal in the Nevada game that was negated by a timeout. Hopefully, the Warriors won’t need any more late game heroics, but if they do, I’ll be thankful to have Kelly lining up to take the kick.
In 2007, I am thankful for…Devin Hester
Without Devin Hester, the 2007 Chicago Bears would be virtually unwatchable. The offensive line can’t block, the running backs can’t run, the wide receivers can’t catch and the defense looks sadly mediocre. At least with Hester in the game, I know that every time opponent scores I’ll be treated to another look at history in the making.
In 2007, I am thankful for…watching sports with my Dad
When I was born, my father bestowed my sacred birth right upon me: the right to suffer the yearly pain of following Chicago sports. Not only do I get to watch the bungle the Bears continue to insist is football, I get to suffer through the continual agony of the Cubs discovering inventive new ways to lose. (I would appreciate it if you gloss over the fact that this is all karmic justice for the six titles in eight years during the stretch run of the Michael Jordan era.) Yet, even though I’m forced to suffer this annual agony, I get to share it all with my Dad, whom I can always count on to add brevity to any loss, no matter how painful. Whether it’s his love of wild African names – he just about popped a bottle of Dom when the Bears signed Adawale Ogunleye, insistence of hilarious nicknames – like referring to Jeremy Burnitz as “Mr. Baggy Pants”, throughout his Cubs tenure), or his inability to shake off a painful loss, even after a few weeks, helps dull the nagging ache of Chicago sports fandom and allow me to love it for what it is: the best ongoing tragicomedy in the northern hemisphere.
Thanks, Dad!
In 2007, I am thankful for…Colt Brennan
Colt Brennan has provided more than a 10-0 record; More than an opportunity to watch a potential Heisman winner rewrite the NCAA records books; More than a sense of relevance to the University of Hawaii football team; More than an undefeated road schedule for the first time in the programs history; More than the opportunity to beat Boise State, win an outright share of the WAC title and go to a BCS game. Colt Brennan has provided a sense of unity to both the football team and the community, the likes of which, this town has never seen. It started with his tearful press conference when he announced that he would stay for his senior season in part because “he liked the person he was becoming in Hawaii,” and continued with his humble, team centric comments after each successive victory. He has handled success and the adversity of the college football schedule with poise, humility, and grace; and created an unprecedented following of the UH football program.
It’s no longer the UH Football team. It’s our UH Football team and he’s our quarterback.
In 2007, I am thankful for…the Cubs making the playoffs
After the Cubs fell five outs short of the World Series in 2003, I consoled myself in the fact that they’d be back next year. But next year, turned into the year after that, which turned into the year after that, at which point I fully regressed into the “wait until next year” Cubs fan mentality. It got so bad that I refused to have any faith in the team, even when they surged back into the division lead with the best record in baseball the month after the All-Star game. In fact, me and my Dad collectively gave up on the Cubs no fewer then 10 separate times this season. We expected them to blow every close game and just about threw in the towel when they got swept by the Marlins at the end of the season. But, miraculously, this team bucked with tradition, won close games, came from behind to win and refused to give up their small division lead late in the season. Sure, it was painful to watch them play typical Cubs baseball in a brutal sweep at the hands of the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team with an average age that prevents them from buying alcohol, but I’ll take that kind of pain any day. So bring on the Bartmans, bring on the Billy Goat and, most importantly, bring on the playoffs baby. Next year is HERE!
(Note: Expect to hear from me next year proclaiming that I’m thankful that basketball season is here to wash away the pain of another year without the Cubs in the playoffs.)
In 2007 I am thankful for…cable TV
Prior to my last birthday, I did not have television. I had a television, but only so I could watch DVDs and play video games; I did not receive any television stations. No tivo. No HD. No digital cable. Nothing. And I liked it that way. I recorded the programs I wanted to watch on my in-laws DVR, watched all the sports I wanted with my Dad and never fell victim to midweek MAC football games or re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E.
That all changed when my in-laws, taking pity on me, or perhaps just in an attempt to reduce the amount of time I spent sprawled on their couch watching Saturday morning football, bought me basic cable for my birthday. The cable package consists of the network stations, TBS, TNT, A&E, Comedy Central, VS, Spike, ESPN News and a blurry, pirated version of ESPN. Yet, through this smattering of misfit channels, I’m able to catch up on all the college football, college basketball, Major League baseball and, most importantly, NBA games that I’d sorely missed.
You see, it’s easy to follow baseball through box scores and recaps. In fact, I almost prefer listening to baseball on the radio to watching it on TV. Football doesn’t translate quite as well, but it only happens once a week, so it’s easy to catch up. But basketball, with an 82 game season, games every day and a frenetic, fluid, high-paced intensity is IMPOSSIBLE to follow without actually watching games. I realized this when I tried to write an NBA preview article and found out that I only knew the following things about the NBA:
- The Spurs won the NBA title and have Tim Duncan
- The Suns lost to the Spurs due to controversial ejections
- A referee bet on basketball games
- LeBron James is really, really good
- The Bulls have a decent young team, but lack a superstar, athletic guards and low-post scoring
In 2007, I am thankful for…Kevin McHale
For trading one of the top 30 greatest NBA players ever (Kevin Garnett) for a slightly above average player (Al Jefferson), decent role player (Ryan Gomes, I mean, who? no seriously, who is this?) and a future draft pick, thereby reminding me that I’m overqualified to be an NBA general manager.
In 2007, I am thankful for…Steve Phillips
For suggesting that all the Dodgers need to do in the offseason was sign the best free agent outfielder available (Torii Hunter) and the best player of our generation (Alex Rodriguez) in addition to trading for the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santan), thereby reminding me that, not only am I overqualified to serve as a NBA general manager, but I’m overqualified to be a baseball commentator for ESPN.
In 2007, I am thankful for…Joe Buck
For saying that the Detroit Lions think they can use wide receiver Calvin Johnson, a 6’ 5” freak of nature who runs the 40 yard dash in under 4.3 seconds wearing someone else’s shoes, to “exploit some matchups”, thereby reminding me that, not only am I overqualified to serve as a NBA general manager and ESPN baseball commentator, but I’m overqualified to be a color commentator for NFL games.
In 2007, I am thankful for…the J-Borhood faithful
I love the comments, love the emails and appreciate all the feedback. Right now, we’re at 30-50 page views a week, with two email subscribers and counting. Thanks for sticking with me.
Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Inaugural J-Borhood Mixed Plate
In a normal week, I come up with five to ten ideas before ultimately deciding which one to explore in-depth for the weekly J-Borhood feature. Most of these ideas lack the depth to satisfy the cultured, worldly appetites of the J-Borhood faithful and thus, never see the light of day. In order to give these ideas their ten minutes of fame, I’d like to introduce a new feature on the J-Borhood…
THE MIXED PLATE!
Approximately once every blue moon (translation: whenever I’m too lazy to write a feature length article), we’ll kick off our shoes, let our hair down and enjoy a sampling of the muddled musings that meander through my mind.
No depth. No culture. Just bite sized samples to satiate the soul. Think of it as toilet reading for the mercurial sports fan.
Enjoy!
Why are the Patriots so good? Because of June Jones of course…
I learned a lot of things in the aftermath of the Patriots victory over the Colts:
- No other team in the NFL has the talent to compete against the Colts and the Patriots
- Randy Moss is the best receiver in the NFL
- Peyton Manning and Tom Brady are human, but only if you pressure them. If you can’t generate consistent pressure, turn of the lights, the party’s over. (It was not a fluke that Brady struggled in the first half when Freeney and Mathis put a clinic on the Patriots offensive line; nor was it a fluke that Manning struggled in the fourth quarter when Belicheck’s varied blitz package confused the Colts front five.)
- Bill Belicheck learned offensive football from June Jones
That’s right. The best coach in modern football learned his offense from the coach of the Hawaii Warriors.
Back when June Jones was the coach of the Atlanta Falcons, Bill Belicheck invited the Falcons to practice his Cleveland Browns for two weeks before the season started every year. The reason? “Because he couldn't stop us, and he kind of always wanted to know and watch how we did things,” said Jones.
If you didn’t believe June Jones was an amazing football coach yet, believe it now.
Check out the full story here: UH's Jones says Pat's offense looks Warrior-like
Steve Phillips is a moron
Granted, this isn’t exactly news. I’m not going out on limb when I claim that the general manager who gave up two of the top five young players in baseball (Jose Reyes and David Wright) for a crapulous Jose Cruz Jr. and grandfatherly Roberto Alomar and swapped Scott Kazmir for Victor “my best pitch is a meatball” Zambrano is a fool. It’s like saying that Isaiah Thomas is a mediocre GM, George W. Bush is a subpar orator, or Custer was a poor general. But, this Tuesday on Sportscenter, his idiocy reached new heights. When asked about how the Dodgers, who have needs at third base, center field and starting pitcher, should rebuild their team in the offseason, Phillips gave these suggestions:
- Sign Alex Rodriguez or trade for Miguel Cabrera to play third base
- Move Juan Pierre to left field and sign Andruw Jones or Torii Hunter for center field
- Trade for Johan Santana
I think my IQ dropped ten points by the time he finished talking. On the bright side, I realized that I’m overqualified to be a baseball analyst for ESPN.
Soul Vibration rocks my world
Check out the best band you’ve never heard of. I’ll let them explain themselves in their own words:
“We don't play emo, we don't spend hours putting on make-up before shows, we don't have journals of our feelings, we don't play downstrokes for every song, we don't have techno breakdowns, we don't have pretentiously long song titles, we don't fake british accents, we don't get knocked out by bottles thrown at us on stage, and we don't dress in clothes that none of our fans can afford, and for none of this do we apologize. We believe in extended guitar solos, drummers with more cymbals than he has fingers, bass playing that doesn't just double the guitar, and singing with all your heart and soul. We're Soul Vibration.
Live Love...Love Life...Play Music”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Listen to the music of Soul Vibration here: http://www.myspace.com/EnjoySoulVibration
The word of the day is…multifarious?
Who says that jocks are dumb? These days, keeping up with the modern advancements in college football requires a PHD in astrophysics, an MD with a specialization in infectious diseases, a law degree, graduate study in mathematics, business savvy and, apparently, a Nobel laureate quality vocabulary. The computer system that provides the rankings used to calculate College Football’s BCS rankings is run by a group of intellectuals whom the Honolulu Advertiser describes as, you guessed it, multifarious.
I consider myself a fairly loquacious scholar, possessor of an above average lexicon and, while at times wordy, poignantly verbose. But, multifarious? I don’t have any idea what to do with something that is farious, let alone many times over. I guess that’s the price of doing business in the multibillion dollar industry of College Football. If that trend continues I’ll need a graduate degree in jargon just to keep up.
Read the full article here: Multifarious mix runs BCS computers
The Big Ten is a sub par conference…in Division I-AA!
So far this year, the Michigan Wolverine football team lost to Division I-AA Appalachian State, the Minnesota football team lost to Division I-AA North Dakota State, the Michigan State basketball team lost to Division I-AA Grand Valley State and the Ohio State basketball team, last year’s NCAA runner-up, lost to Findlay. (That’s right, Findlay. No word if that’s Finday U, Findlay State or Findlay Tech.)
For those keeping score at home, that’s Division I-AA 4, Big Ten 0.
Does anyone really believe that Ohio State is the best football team in the country?
You heard it here first, Ohio State is going to get trounced in the national championship game for the second year in a row.
A sterling endorsement for the Hawaii educational system
Responding to a recent report that seven Hawaii public schools were classified as “dropout factories”, for having graduation rates below 60%, the state Department of Education spokesman Greg Knudsen issued a statement saying “Hawaii ninth-graders tend to fall behind and inflate freshman enrollment. So comparing the number of freshman and seniors at any given year to determine dropout and graduation rates is misleading.”
That makes sense. The Department of Education isn’t to blame, we just have terrible teachers.
Real classy, Greg.
Read the full story here: 7 Oahu schools ‘dropout factories’
David Stern crawls out from under a rock…
Last week, David Stern issued a statement chastising the Knicks for mismanagement, in light of their recent sexual harassment scandal. In addition, Stern declared that the holocaust was a display of poor judgment, cigarettes are detrimental to your health and the world is round.
Read the full article here: David Stern criticizes the Knicks for bad management
Further proof that Colt Brennan is the man
If you needed any more proof that Colt Brennan is a stud, check out his latest blog entry for the New York times. Rather than wasting time self-aggrandizing, Brennan takes the opportunity to extol his wide receivers. Truly, a class act.
Read the full article here: Brennan and the Dread Heads
Eric Andre is the funniest comedian you’ve never heard of…
Much like with Soul Vibration, I’ll let Eric Andre do the talking.
Rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, dolphin beats shark
In case you needed another reason why dolphins are the coolest animals ever, check out this story about a pod of dolphins that saved a surfer from a Great White Shark. In honor of their undeniable awesomeatude (that’s right, awsomeatude, pronounced awe-summa-tude), I hereby declare dolphins to be the official animal of the J-Borhood.
[Special note to my family: Don’t worry. Sophie (my dog) is the official pet of the J-Borhood. A much more prestigious title. Just don’t tell the dolphins that…]
Read the full article here: Dolphins rescue surfer from shark
That about wraps it up for the inaugural J-Borhood mixed plate, all rights reserved (Not really, but it sounds more pretentious that way). For those keeping score at home, we covered football, baseball, basketball, Colt Brennan, music, comedy, sharks, dolphins and the Hawaiian educational system. Some would call it crazy, I’d just call it another day in the J-Borhood.
Ciao!
Friday, November 02, 2007
Soldiers of Fortune
Aloha, friends and J-Bors. Let's start things off with a few college football questions:
- Is the University of Hawaii one of the top twelve football teams in NCAA Division I football?
- Is Ohio State the best team in the country?
- Is LSU better than Oregon?
- Does Kansas deserve a shot at the national championship?
- Is Colt Brennan a better Quarterback then me?
Hint: Each question has the same answer.
Hint: No, is not the answer. (Mea culpa for the double negative)
Hint: Yes, is not the answer either.
Confused?
The answer to each question is that you have an insufficient sample size.
No one can definitively say whether Hawaii is one of the top twelve teams in the country, because they haven't played any team ranked in the Top 25. Similarly, no once can definitively say whether the best team in the country is Ohio State, LSU, Oregon or Kansas because none of the teams have played each other. Lastly, no one can definitively say whether Colt Brennan is a better Quarterback then me, because they haven’t seen me play. (Seriously, if you saw my deep ball… My cell phone is always on, Coach Jones.) But I'll take it a step further. You could not definitively say whether Ohio State, Boston College, LSU, Oregon, Kansas or Hawaii was better then any of the other teams even if they did play.
College football is an unpredictable sport, played by 20 year old kids with a ball that doesn't bounce straight. Crazy things happen. Whether it’s fumbles, interceptions, injuries, hail marries, torrential downpours or snow storms, college football embodies Murphy’s Law. Therefore, making a definitive judgment based on one game isn’t just difficult, it’s impossible. So far this season, the #5 ranked Michigan Wolverines lost to an Appalachian State team that doesn’t even play Division I football; USC, winners of two of the last four national championships, lost to lowly Stanford, who played the second half back-up quarterback; There was a stretch where the number two team in the country lost to an unranked opponent four weeks in a row!
This vast volatility leaves pollsters and analysts scrambling for a way to fairly and accurately rank teams that have a handful of games, with incredibly dissimilar schedules. Needless to say, finding a fair and accurate way to rank college football teams is about as easy as getting fair and balanced coverage from Fox News. In lieu of any concrete means of comparison, analysts often resort to comparing games against shared opponents. For instance, the University of Hawaii needed a last minute field goal and overtime to beat Louisiana Tech 45-44. The next week, Cal torched La. Tech to the tune of 42-12. On paper, that seems to suggest that Cal is a far superior to Hawaii. Easy enough, right?
Unfortunately for Hawaii, that does not take into account the four Hawaii turnovers, the 103 degree game time temperature and 100% humidity, which caused the Hawaii Center to sweat so profusely he couldn’t hike the ball, or the 4000+ mile road trip Hawaii traveled to play La. Tech – To put that road trip in to context, LSU, the number two team in the country, will travel an estimated 1308 miles combined on all their road trips this season and had only one road trip longer then 300 miles, which they lost. Comparing Hawaii’s win over Louisiana Tech to Cal’s win is like comparing David Caruso’s work on NYPD Blue to his performance on CSI: Miami. Both feature over-dramatic punch line deliveries, scads of unintentional comedy and more melodrama then a freshman girl’s introduction to vodka, but the roles have such different context – in NYPD Blue he was the rugged, excessively cheesy up and comer, whereas in CSI Miami he doesn’t realize that we’re laughing at him, not with him – that they’re virtually impossible to compare.
But let’s imagine, for a second, that we live in some magical fairy tale kingdom, where we can accurately compare independent events from vastly dissimilar context. Let’s call it, say, ESPN. Even in the gum drop forest of this pristine imaginary utopia, we cannot escape the laws of probability.
Warning: The following section contains math-related material. Parental discretion is advised. (Becaues really, does anything make you want to read/watch something more then "Parental disrecresion is advised?")
As we discussed before, almost anything can happen in college football. Even the best teams have off days; Upsets happen all the time. So even the best teams in the country don’t have a 100% chance of winning when they step on the field. In fact, the best teams in the country have about an 80% chance to win each game, on average, which roughly equates to a 10-2 season.
From a purely statistical perspective, a twelve event sample size for an event that has an 80% chance of success has a margin of error of 11%, or 1.3 games. To say that in plain(er) English, in Football, a game in which one game represents the difference between a historic season and utter disappointment, one game a season is almost purely attributable to chance.
A moment of silence to let that sink in. (Sorry for ending a sentence in a preposition, but I’d sound like an absolute ass if I said ‘A moment of silence, in to let that sink.’)
That means, in any given football season, a team that should finish 10-2 has an equal chance of finishing 9-3, and out of the running for any major bowl game as it does to finish 11-1 and in the running for the national championship game. That does not mean that the team that went 10-2 (or 9-3 for that matter), is necessarily worse then a team that goes 11-1; It could just as easily mean that the team at 11-1 got a fortunate bounce from the oblong leather ball during one moment of their incredibly short season.
As American’s we tend to trust what our eyes can see or, as we move further in to the digital age, what our formula’s can deduce. We want to explain. We want the illusion of control. We want to confidently declare, my team is, without a doubt, the best team in the country. But, we can’t. This drives us crazy and leads to numerous injustices (like a 12-0 Auburn team missing out on the national championship game to a 11-1 Oklahoma team, who lost their last game of the season. Seriously, can we make a rule that any team who loses their last game of the season DOES NOT deserve to play for the national championship? Do I even need to bother telling you that the two teams for who this happened got slaughtered in the national championship game????) but it, like every cloud, has a silver lining.
The element of chance provides the opportunity for non-traditional powerhouses to make history in college football. In the past few seasons, we’ve seen Utah and Boise State play in BCS Bowls. This season, the University of Hawaii, a team never before ranked in the top 15, located 2500 miles away from its nearest opponent have a chance to knock down the door. Meanwhile, Boston College, Oregon and Kansas flirt with history as they attempt to qualify for the national championship game. Less games means less opportunities for teams to revert to the mean, which means more chance for the unexpected and more opportunities for an unheralded team to sneak in the back door (I hereby, solemnly swear, that this is the last time I ever use the phrase “sneak in the back door”.)
Similarly, the near infinite randomness of college football makes every game a “can’t miss” experience. It provides a heightened importance to every game, something no other sport can claim. Even a die-hard college basketball fan will miss a game or two each season. A die-hard college football fan will cancel flights and ask friends to postpone weddings in order to watch each game. (Which any true friend would gladly do.) Basketball games are events. Baseball games are events. Football games, on the other hand, are moments in history. As Ivan Maisel, senior college football writer for ESPN deftly put it, “Name me one regular season college basketball game that you remember.” (I have to go all the way back to the mid-90’s and UH’s Justice Sueing elbowing future NBA player Keith Van Horn of Utah in the head. To this day, the best elbow I’ve ever seen in a basketball game. What does it say about college basket ball that the last regular season game I remember involved an elbow to the head?)
This heightened sense of importance also fuels the fire of the hype machine, that drives college football. Debate over rankings, bowl games and national championship appearances starts before the season begins and often doesn’t stop until well after the season ends. Every other sport in the country, from college to the pros, answer their questions on the field. In college football, the burning questions are rarely answered on the field, so the ESPN’s, Sports Illustrated’s, Sporting News’s and the like are left to debate them off the field. It’s what makes the debate so compelling and, in all honesty, why you’re still listening to me blabber on about probability’s effect on college football for over 1500 words.
At the end of the day, as much as we want to compare and analyze college football teams and as much as we want to drink the kool-aid when ESPN proudly declares the superiority of our team, this chance, this randomness, this undeniable destiny of college football and laughably small sample size prevents us from making the type of declarative statements, which make us feel most comfortable. So stop trying to make sense of it all. Just sit back, relax and enjoy all that makes college football special.
Enjoy the tradition. Enjoy the pageantry. Enjoy the school spirit. And, of course, enjoy the randomness.
So next time someone asks you if Hawaii is one of the top twelve teams in the country, tell them the sample size is too small to say and no one will ever know, but as long as the polls say it, it’s alright with you.
If they then ask you whether I’m a better QB then Colt, tell them, at least I’ve got the hair…
