The Annual JBorhood Thankgiving Extravaganza! 2008

Some holiday festivities, like drinking hot buttered rum and watching A Christmas Story, deserve to become traditions. Others, like getting a sinus infection, taking NyQuil, passing out and locking your wife out of the apartment, not so much (see honey, isn't it a little funny when you read it in print?).

Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports.

(For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)

I believe society in general spends too much time discussing everything that's wrong with sports (the money, the egos, the unintentionally comedic and sexually suggestive 80's dance videos). On the contrary, I enjoy the opportunity to highlight and celebrate everything right about sports. With that in mind, I'd like to formally announce a new JBorhood Tradition: The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza!

Because what's a holiday without an absurdly long name?

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Ping Pong Balls

The best thing about the NBA is that one player can completely turn around a franchise.

Similarly, the worst thing about the NBA is that getting one of these players is almost impossible.

Not only do you have to get the first pick in the draft, which is determined through a bingo-type weighted lottery system where the number of ping-pong balls for a given team is inversely related to their total wins, you have to hope that a franchise player is available and that your GM isn't too much of a f***tard to draft them. (Please excuse my French, but if you pass up Chris Paul for Andrew Bogut there's no other word for you. In fact, even that might be too kind.) Consequently, a large number of NBA teams toil in the hopelessness of NBA purgatory: too good to get a decent draft pick, not good enough to compete for a title.

Last season, my beloved Bulls found themselves in this hopeless quagmire and I had no hope that they would extricate themselves from this hopeless cycle any time soon. Two days after my daughter was born, that all changed.

I sat in the recovery room with my wife and two day old daughter watching ESPN when the draft lottery came on. (FYI - A newborn wants only to eat, sleep and be held. Coincidentally, all three of these things are easily accomplished while sitting on a couch watching sports. Babies: more useful then you'd think...) I rubbed my baby's head for good luck and whispered a prayer to God. "God, if you let the Bulls win the lottery, I'll consider letting her date before the age of 35. Your move."

The Bulls were slated to get the 9th pick in the draft and had only had a 1.7% chance of one of their ping pong balls emerging from the lottery, so I resigned myself to disappointment and tried to get excited about the Bulls inevitable pick of Brook Lopez. (In my opinion, it's never good when your NBA Power Forward's name sounds like it should belong to a female beach volleyball player.) But, when David Stern opened the envelope for the ninth pick in the draft, the envelope did not say Chicago Bulls; it said Charlotte Bobcats, meaning the Bulls were assured of a top 3 pick.
I started to get more nervous and excited than I'd been since the day my child was born. I rubbed my baby's head again and said another prayer to God. "God, if you give the Bulls the number one pick, I'll consider letting her date before the ago of 25. Your move."

Suffice to say, God is of the opinion that my daughter should date before graduating from college. (Though we never clarified whether the dates had to be unsupervised...)

Flash forward 6-months, Derrick Rose is setting the NBA on fire, looking like a can't-miss superstar and the Bulls -- and their fans -- have a renewed sense of hope.

And none of it would have been possible without a little help from ping-pong balls (and God's liberal dating policies).

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Bernard Pollard

Bernard Pollard is single-handedly responsible for the craziest, most competitive NFL season in recent memory. When he barreled though the Patriots line, five minutes into the season and exploded Tom Brady's ACL, MCL, PCL (and probably a couple really cool CLs that I don't even know about), he effectively eliminated the NFL's one dominant team and turned the rest of the season into a complete crap shoot. Last year, 13 weeks into the season it was the Patriots and everyone else. This year...

• A staggering 21 of 32 teams have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. (My condolences to the Browns, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams.)
• 9 of the 12 potential NFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons.)
• 7 of the 9 potential AFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Dolphins and Bills)

Essentially, with only 4 weeks left in the season, anything is possible.

And none of it would have been possible without Bernard Pollard.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... The Perfect Excuse

Forget about the unconditional love, the excitement of new experiences, or the inexplicable wonder of each day. The best part about having a baby is that you can use them as the ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

Seriously, now that I have a kid, I have a built-in excuse to watch any sporting event at any time. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'd love to volunteer at the orphanage today, but I have to stay in and watch the Lakers...err, baby." The only difference between watching a game with a baby and watching a game without a baby is that you have to change diapers at half time. A small price to pay for unlimited sports watching privileges.

But using your baby as an excuse to watch sports is only the beginning. The only thing limiting the type of excuse for which you can use your baby is your imagination.

"Sorry, I'm late. You know. The baby."

"Did someone fart? Oh, baby, that's terrible!"

"Sorry for not shaving or showering in over two weeks and wearing a bathing suit and a T-shirt to work. I have a baby."

"Sorry for starting at your breasts. I have a baby."

"I'd like a rum and coke and a shot of Jaeger. Oh, don't worry. The Jaeger is for the baby."

If I end up having another kid, I think I'll just streamline the process and name him "His Fault." "Oh, I'm sorry I ran over your Grandmother. It was His Fault." Now if you excuse me, I need to talk my wife out of signing those divorce papers.

I'm sorry for making an inappropriate joke, honey. You know. The baby...

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Greg Alexander

After three years of Colt Brennan football, I began to take the quarterback position for granted. I grew fat off the lamb of 50 point outings and accustomed to jaw-dropping 30-yard strikes hitting the hands of wide receivers in stried. I had conversations about my disappointment after "sub-par" 300 yard, 3 touchdown performances. I figured that, even after Colt left, someone would come assume the throne as the rightful heir to the mantle of UH Quarterbacks. Hell, even I could throw for 250 and 2 TD's in that offense. Right?

WRONG.

In their first three games against Division I opponents, UH Quarterbacks threw one touchdown pass and 12 interceptions. Compare that to Colt Brennan, who in 2006 threw 13 interceptions THE ENTIRE SEASON. (It also bears mentioning that he accompanied those INTs with an NCAA record 58 touchdowns.)

After watching erstwhile starter Inoke Funaki attempt to set offense football back a century against Boise State, I inquired about the possibility of petitioning for lifetime NCAA eligibility for Colt Breannan. (Seriously, some guys are just born to play college sports and Colt is one of them. Why waste his talent on the bench in Washington when he can resume his rightful place behind center for the UH Warriors for the next 20 years. Similarly, the NCAA needs to grant lifetime eligibility to Tyler Hansborough. I refuse to sit idly by while he becomes our generations Christian Laettner.)

I told myself that the offense was simply undergoing growing pains following the departure of June Jones.

I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.

I did anything I could to make UH football watchable, but nothing worked.

Nothing, that is, until Greg "I-don't-care-that-you're-not-really-that-good-you-look-like-a-combination-of-Payton-Manning-and-Jesus-compared-to-the-other-quarterbacks" Alexander took over. After taking over the starting job in Game 8, Alexander did not throw an interception until the 4th quarter of Game 12. For the more mathematically inclined JBors, that is a 2000% decrease in the number of interceptions thrown in comparison to his predecessors. For those of you not so mathematically inclined, that's a good thing.

He may not be perfect. He may not have a laser rocket arm. He may not be Colt Brennan. Hell, he may not even be Timmy Chang. But Greg Alexander can throw a football down field and occasionally have it caught by other players, most of whom play for our team and for that, I am thankful.

Trust me. If you watched the first half of the University of Hawaii's season, you'd be thankful too.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Iowa Football

Two years in a row, college football fans watched a Big Ten team embarrass themselves in the National Title Game, both times rendering the contest virtually unwatchable. This year, that scenario threatened to occur for a third straight year as Penn State marched toward an unbeaten season.

Even though Penn State often struggled against mediocre competition and did not have a single signature non-conference win on their schedule -- No, beating Oregon State does not qualify as a "signature win" no matter what USC fans tell you. You lose to Stanford, I stop taking you seriously. End of story. -- the feel-good story of iconic coach Joe Paterno's return to prominence made them a virtual lock for the title game if they finished the season undefeated. After they narrowly edge perennial Big Ten powerhouse Ohio State, only Iowa stood in between them and a date with destiny.

Truth be told, I already had a soft spot in my heart for the Hawkeyes because both my parents graduated from the University of Iowa. Even still, heading into the match-up with Penn State, I put the Hawkeyes chances of victory somewhere between the possibility of peace in the Middle East and the likelihood that Catherine Zeta-Jones will one day return my undying affection (I'll let you surmise which one of those is more likely). Iowa has a solid football team -- good defense, strong running game -- but the list of big Iowa football victories is about the same size as the list of Matt LeBlanc's hit movies. Their last marquee game involved a 38-17 drubbing at the hands of USC in the 2003 Orange Bowl. (Note: It should say something that their last marquee game occurred in 2003.)

Yet, there they were. Making an improbable drive, capped off by an unbelievable 3rd and 10 conversion by a Quarterback who didn't assume the starting role until the 6th game of the season. Now, rather than brace for another Big 10 drubbing in the national championship game, college football fans are getting excited for a Alabama/Florida vs. Texas/Oklahoma showdown of the Titans.

And none of it would have been possible without the Iowa Hawkeyes.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... A Beautiful, Happy, Healthy Baby Girl

Nothing that has occurred in my life up to this point could have prepared me for the joy of my little baby smiling at me whenever I walk into a room. I love her so much and wish I could spend every moment of every day with her. I'm thankful for a lot of things to do with sports this year, but none quite compare with how thankful I am for my baby girl.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Giving Thanks 2007

It has been an up-and-down year for sports here in the J-Borhood. My favorite teams have run the gamut from atrocious (Chicago Bulls) to staggeringly amazing (Hawaii Warriors). In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to momentarily forget the disappointments (*cough*, Rex Grossman) and share all the things in sports, for which I’m thankful this year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

In 2007 I am thankful for…Beer

Whether watching Sunday Morning football with a Sam Adams for breakfast (oh, don’t act like I’m the only one!) or enjoying an Coors Light in the stadium parking lot before the game, nothing pairs as eloquently with watching sport as ice cold beer. Celebrating a win? Victory beer! Wallowing in defeat? Drown your sorrows. Regardless of the situation, beer provides the perfect complement to sports viewing of all kinds.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Beer may be the perfect sidekick to watching sports, but what does beer get out of the relationship? Is beer the Robin to sports’ Batman?

Never fear, J-Bors. Beer and sports form a perfectly symbiotic relationship. Beer adds an elegant accessory to any sporting event, but sports provides the single best excuse (with boating coming in at a close second) to be lazy and drink a six-pack. What other activities provide you an opportunity to sit around, do nothing for a few hours, drink beer and still call it a productive day?

(With that in mind, I plan on having a very “productive” Thanksgiving!)

(Side note: I wish I did not have to add this follow-up, but I would like to state, for the record, that the J-Borhood does not condone out of control drinking behavior. Drunken behavior, like the kind that occurred at Aloha Stadium during the Fresno State game is wildly inappropriate. So, by all means, drink up and have a good time. Just don’t act like an asshole.)

In 2007, I am thankful for…My wife’s commitment to sports

Five years ago, the Editor-in-Chief didn’t know the difference between a Tight End and timeout. Last week, I came home and she told me about Barry Bonds recent indictment, which she learned from watching Sportscenter. She still has trouble counting balls and strikes (probably because she has problems counting…) and she can’t explain the difference between a Cover-2 and a Cover-3 defense (who am I kidding? I can’t tell the difference between a Cover-2 and a Cover-3), but she can follow a game, knows when to cheer and has taken to the drinking beer aspect of sports like Elvis to a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

In 2007, I am thankful for…Dan Kelly

Before the season started, if you asked me for a list of the pivotal players on the Hawaii Warriors football team, Dan Kelly wouldn’t have made the Top 10. Hell, he wouldn’t have made the top 25. Yet, through the ten games of the season, he has been arguably the most important not named Colt Brennan. So far this year, Dan Kelly has nailed two 45+ yard field goals, with the game on the line. Three, if you want to count the first field goal in the Nevada game that was negated by a timeout. Hopefully, the Warriors won’t need any more late game heroics, but if they do, I’ll be thankful to have Kelly lining up to take the kick.

In 2007, I am thankful for…Devin Hester

Without Devin Hester, the 2007 Chicago Bears would be virtually unwatchable. The offensive line can’t block, the running backs can’t run, the wide receivers can’t catch and the defense looks sadly mediocre. At least with Hester in the game, I know that every time opponent scores I’ll be treated to another look at history in the making.

In 2007, I am thankful for…watching sports with my Dad

When I was born, my father bestowed my sacred birth right upon me: the right to suffer the yearly pain of following Chicago sports. Not only do I get to watch the bungle the Bears continue to insist is football, I get to suffer through the continual agony of the Cubs discovering inventive new ways to lose. (I would appreciate it if you gloss over the fact that this is all karmic justice for the six titles in eight years during the stretch run of the Michael Jordan era.) Yet, even though I’m forced to suffer this annual agony, I get to share it all with my Dad, whom I can always count on to add brevity to any loss, no matter how painful. Whether it’s his love of wild African names – he just about popped a bottle of Dom when the Bears signed Adawale Ogunleye, insistence of hilarious nicknames – like referring to Jeremy Burnitz as “Mr. Baggy Pants”, throughout his Cubs tenure), or his inability to shake off a painful loss, even after a few weeks, helps dull the nagging ache of Chicago sports fandom and allow me to love it for what it is: the best ongoing tragicomedy in the northern hemisphere.

Thanks, Dad!

In 2007, I am thankful for…Colt Brennan

Colt Brennan has provided more than a 10-0 record; More than an opportunity to watch a potential Heisman winner rewrite the NCAA records books; More than a sense of relevance to the University of Hawaii football team; More than an undefeated road schedule for the first time in the programs history; More than the opportunity to beat Boise State, win an outright share of the WAC title and go to a BCS game. Colt Brennan has provided a sense of unity to both the football team and the community, the likes of which, this town has never seen. It started with his tearful press conference when he announced that he would stay for his senior season in part because “he liked the person he was becoming in Hawaii,” and continued with his humble, team centric comments after each successive victory. He has handled success and the adversity of the college football schedule with poise, humility, and grace; and created an unprecedented following of the UH football program.

It’s no longer the UH Football team. It’s our UH Football team and he’s our quarterback.

In 2007, I am thankful for…the Cubs making the playoffs

After the Cubs fell five outs short of the World Series in 2003, I consoled myself in the fact that they’d be back next year. But next year, turned into the year after that, which turned into the year after that, at which point I fully regressed into the “wait until next year” Cubs fan mentality. It got so bad that I refused to have any faith in the team, even when they surged back into the division lead with the best record in baseball the month after the All-Star game. In fact, me and my Dad collectively gave up on the Cubs no fewer then 10 separate times this season. We expected them to blow every close game and just about threw in the towel when they got swept by the Marlins at the end of the season. But, miraculously, this team bucked with tradition, won close games, came from behind to win and refused to give up their small division lead late in the season. Sure, it was painful to watch them play typical Cubs baseball in a brutal sweep at the hands of the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team with an average age that prevents them from buying alcohol, but I’ll take that kind of pain any day. So bring on the Bartmans, bring on the Billy Goat and, most importantly, bring on the playoffs baby. Next year is HERE!

(Note: Expect to hear from me next year proclaiming that I’m thankful that basketball season is here to wash away the pain of another year without the Cubs in the playoffs.)

In 2007 I am thankful for…cable TV

Prior to my last birthday, I did not have television. I had a television, but only so I could watch DVDs and play video games; I did not receive any television stations. No tivo. No HD. No digital cable. Nothing. And I liked it that way. I recorded the programs I wanted to watch on my in-laws DVR, watched all the sports I wanted with my Dad and never fell victim to midweek MAC football games or re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E.

That all changed when my in-laws, taking pity on me, or perhaps just in an attempt to reduce the amount of time I spent sprawled on their couch watching Saturday morning football, bought me basic cable for my birthday. The cable package consists of the network stations, TBS, TNT, A&E, Comedy Central, VS, Spike, ESPN News and a blurry, pirated version of ESPN. Yet, through this smattering of misfit channels, I’m able to catch up on all the college football, college basketball, Major League baseball and, most importantly, NBA games that I’d sorely missed.

You see, it’s easy to follow baseball through box scores and recaps. In fact, I almost prefer listening to baseball on the radio to watching it on TV. Football doesn’t translate quite as well, but it only happens once a week, so it’s easy to catch up. But basketball, with an 82 game season, games every day and a frenetic, fluid, high-paced intensity is IMPOSSIBLE to follow without actually watching games. I realized this when I tried to write an NBA preview article and found out that I only knew the following things about the NBA:

• The Spurs won the NBA title and have Tim Duncan
• The Suns lost to the Spurs due to controversial ejections
• A referee bet on basketball games
• LeBron James is really, really good
• The Bulls have a decent young team, but lack a superstar, athletic guards and low-post scoring
  

And that’s not even enough to squeeze out a 1500 word sports column. Now, I’m able to watch the late night TNT and ESPN games when I come home from work and get to see first hand that the Bulls have a not-so-decent young team that lacks a superstar, athletic guards and low-post scoring. Oh well, at least the Dog re-runs are entertaining…

In 2007, I am thankful for…Kevin McHale

For trading one of the top 30 greatest NBA players ever (Kevin Garnett) for a slightly above average player (Al Jefferson), decent role player (Ryan Gomes, I mean, who? no seriously, who is this?) and a future draft pick, thereby reminding me that I’m overqualified to be an NBA general manager.

In 2007, I am thankful for…Steve Phillips

For suggesting that all the Dodgers need to do in the offseason was sign the best free agent outfielder available (Torii Hunter) and the best player of our generation (Alex Rodriguez) in addition to trading for the best pitcher in baseball (Johan Santan), thereby reminding me that, not only am I overqualified to serve as a NBA general manager, but I’m overqualified to be a baseball commentator for ESPN.

In 2007, I am thankful for…Joe Buck

For saying that the Detroit Lions think they can use wide receiver Calvin Johnson, a 6’ 5” freak of nature who runs the 40 yard dash in under 4.3 seconds wearing someone else’s shoes, to “exploit some matchups”, thereby reminding me that, not only am I overqualified to serve as a NBA general manager and ESPN baseball commentator, but I’m overqualified to be a color commentator for NFL games.

In 2007, I am thankful for…the J-Borhood faithful

I love the comments, love the emails and appreciate all the feedback. Right now, we’re at 30-50 page views a week, with two email subscribers and counting. Thanks for sticking with me.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone.