Cutlermania!

Holy shit! The Chicago Bears have a starting quarterback!

I was totally prepared to write a 2009 Major League Baseball Season Preview last Thursday, when the Bears dropped a bomb on my world. After 60 years of offensive ineptitude, the Bears finally stopped ignoring the most important position in football and traded for a twenty five year old franchise quarterback in a moment that was like my Birthday, Christmas, and the first time I got laid all rolled into one. (To be fair, the first time I got laid was a little uncomfortable and awkward for all involved, but it was still a great day.)

I tried to write a celebratory article, however, my mind was trapped in a football themed “Being John Malkovich” sequel, “Being Jay Cutler”, and the only thing I could say was “Jay Cutler”. Here’s the introduction to my first draft:

JAY CUTLER!!!!

Jay Cutler, Jay Cutlerjay Cutler. Jay Cutler! Jay cut lerJaycu tler JayCut ler, Jay!

Jay.

Cutler.

JAY CUTLERJAYCUTLERJAYCUTLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The article went on like this for 47 pages, culminating in seven straight pages of exclamation points. Like I said, I was fairly excited.)

When I regained my grip on reality, I got out of the ditch, washed off the blue and orange body paint, put on some clothes, apologized to Kahala Mall security, and started to come to terms with the fact that life as a Bears fan would never be the same. You see, Chicago sports fans accept a few unassailable facts:

• The White Sox are irrelevant.
• The Cubs always lose.
• The Bears never have a quarterback.
  

These things are not up for debate. They just are. Ask any Bears fan to tell you the last great Bears quarterback and they’ll almost invariably say, “Sid Luckman”. (Sorry, Jim McMahon fans. McMahon was a great character, a fabulous leader, and a bad ass mofo, but not a great quarterback. Sadly, the NFL does not award points due to one’s ability to rock a headband or don a sweet pair of shades.) But who the hell is Sid Luckman? Did anyone ever see Sid Luckman play? Did he really exist? For all I know, Sid Luckman is someone a couple drunk Bears fans made up at a bar one night after getting sick of the incessant teasing from Packer fans.

Packers Fan: “The Bears suck! They’ve never had a great quarterback and they never will!”

Drunken Bears Fan #1: “Oh, yeah? What about Sid Luckman???”

Drunken Bears Fan #2: “Sid Who?”

Drunken Bears Fan #1 (under his breath): “Shut up, dude. Just play along.”

Drunken Bears Fan #2: “Oh, Yeah! Sid Luckman is the greatest quarterback who ever lived!!! He could throw the ball 200 yards, cure cancer, and blow up sheep with mind bullets. If he were alive right now, he’d beat you to death with your own hands and distill Single Malt Scotch from your liver.”

Packers Fan: “Wow. I wish I was a Bears fan.”

Drunken Bears Fan #1: “At least you’re not a Lions fan.”

(Hearty laughter is shared by all.)

According to Sid Luckman’s Wikipedia page, which features a photo that looks like someone pasted Marlon Brando’s face on a football player’s body, Luckman retired in 1950. That means the Bears played without a legitimate starter at the game’s most important position for over 50 years!
During that time, Bears fans had to endure:

• Cade McNown, who was about 4 feet tall.
• Jim Miller, whose best attribute was his ability to grow a really sweet beard.
• Henry Burris, who, I kid you not, threw the ball with his eyes closed.
• Erik Kramer, who spells his name with a ‘k’ like a sissy girl, which tells you everything you need to know.
• Chad Hutchinson, who I truly believe came to Chicago because the coaching staff told him he could surf on Lake Michigan.
• Rex Grossman, about whom enough has been said.
• Craig Krenzel, whose GPA was approximately equal to his quarterback rating.
• Mike Tomczak, whose game was, comically, worse than his name.
• Peter Tom Willis, who has half as many names (three) as touchdowns thrown (six).
• Jonathan Quinn, whose only discernible skill was launching the ball 15 feet over a receiver’s head.
  

(And that’s just who I can remember off the top of my head…)

I’d say that Bears quarterbacks set offensive football back 50 years. But, apparently 50 years ago, the Bears had someone that could actually run an offense.

The sad fact is that I’ve never cheered for a good Bears quarterback in my entire life.
Until now…

Now, everything has changed. Rather than talking myself into the Kyle Orton era and championing the subtle sexiness of the neck beard, (Editor’s note: If you doubt the chick repelling power of the neck beard just threaten to grow one the next time you’re hanging around that trick you can’t seem to get rid of…problem solved.) I get to watch Jay Cutler fire 30-yard strikes to Devin Hester with his laser rocket arm. And all the Bears had to give up were two first round draft picks (2009, 2010), a third round draft pick (2009), and a Quarterback whose deep ball pales in comparison to his neck beard (Editor’s note: ha-ha, he said deep ball). (In all fairness, most things pale in comparison to his neck beard.)

Like any trade, certain pundits (read: morons) say the Bears “paid a high price” for Culter or “gave up too much” for Cutler, but that idea is, frankly, hilarious. Jay Cutler is a 25 year old franchise quarterback, coming off of a Pro-Bowl season. Players like that aren’t traded for draft picks. Players like that aren’t traded at all. If the Bears called the Broncos and offered two first round picks and a third round pick for Cutler a month ago, they would have heard five minutes of unabated laughter. Now, the only laughter you hear is coming from Chicago.

The Bears gave up two first round picks?

So. What.

Let’s review the Bears first round selections under current General Manager, Jerry Angelo.

2001 – David Terrell, WR, Michigan (Toss up whether he was a bigger bust or asshole.)

2002 – Marc Colombo, OT, Boston College (Started ten games before suffering a season ending injury, after which he started only two games for the Bears.)

2003 – Alex Haynes, DE, Penn State & Rex Grossman, QB, Florida (Or, as I like to call it, 2Busts 1Year.)

2004 – Tommie Harris, DT, Oklahoma (A legitimate All-Pro, who is now a broken shell of his former self after suffering a knee injury in 2006.)

2005 – Cedric Benson, RB, Texas (The heir apparent to Ricky Williams in every possible way.)

2006 – No pick (Hey, if you don’t pick, you can’t screw it up.)

2007 – Greg Olsen, TE, Miami (A solid offensive contributor.)

2008 – Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt (Injured before playing any games in 2008.)

To recap, that’s one Pro Bowl player, one legitimate offensive starter, and six abject failures in eight years. So, thank you very much, Denver. Enjoy the draft picks.

But I’m not done. In fact, I’m just getting started.

Let’s imagine, for argument’s sake, that Denver’s rookie General Manager, Brian Xanders, whose first move on the job was hiring a 32 year old head coach who immediately fired the offensive coordinator and alienated the Pro Bowl Quarterback from the NFL’s second ranked offense, might do a better job evaluating talent then the Bears. According to reports, Xanders is considering trading the Broncos and Bears 2009 first round picks to move up and select USC Quarterback Mark Sanchez.

Now, we can safely assume that the Broncos 2009 first round pick is worth more than the Bears 2010 first round pick. In fact, we can probably assume that it’s worth more than the Bears 2010 first round pick and 2009 third round pick combined.

What does this mean?

It means the Broncos are considering trading more for Mark Sanchez than they received for Jay Cutler.

Game. Set. Match.

Thanks for playing, Denver. Write if you find work.

So while the Broncos begin the search for the successor to the successor to John Elway, the Bears begin to learn what they’ve been missing all these years.

I suppose in a town that hasn’t won a World Series for 108 years, 50 years can be considered a victory.

Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis

There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.

No one, except, of course, me.

I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.

(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)

Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans

No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.

No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.

No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)

No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.

But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.

Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys

I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.

Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football

I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )

Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football

If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?

Credit Approved: Derrick Rose

I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)

Credit Denied: Greg Oden

Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers

They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.

Credit Denied: Boston Celtics

Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.

The reason?

No James Posey.

(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)

Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets

Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs

You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.

Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies

No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.

Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?

Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays

I know, I know. They lost.

But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.

Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs

Some things just speak for themselves...