Simply Great

Greatness is not elusive. It requires no searching or work to find. When you discover greatness, you know it instantly. It may take time to comprehend the extent of the greatness, but you never doubt that it exists.

Like oral sex.

Oral sex is undoubtedly great.

Anyone lucky enough to find themselves on the receiving end of its glorious wonder does not need a moment to weigh its relative merits. They’re too busy moaning in pleasure, giving praises to their deity of choice, and thinking about how much they’d pay for a lightly toasted ham and turkey with swiss (Really? Only me?). From the moment it starts, to the moment it reaches its final, toe-curling crescendo, the experience is undeniably great.

And that’s the great thing about greatness. It’s simple. If you have to ask whether something is great, it’s not.

Yet, even in the face of this indisputable simplicity, people continue to hold out hope that non-great things will somehow magically improve, evolve, and become great. Like the woman who tells her friends that her ex-con boyfriend has a really great heart and once he gets a haircut, curbs his alcohol abuse, gets a job that doesn’t involve asking whether people want to super size their extra value meal, stops robbing armored cars to pay for his heroin addiction, and quits killing hobos and burying them in the backyard, he’ll make a really great daddy.

But I’m not one to point fingers. I’m the guy that talked himself into believing that Rex Grossman would eventually be a quality NFL starter. (In Grossman’s case, I believe “quality” could be defined as throwing the ball to his teammates more than the opposing defense. *sigh*)

Sadly, us sports fans do this all the time. We so desperately want our favorite players to be great that we ignore all signs to the contrary.

“If Tavaris Jackson would stop peeing his pants at the first hint of pressure, skipping the ball off the turf before it gets to the receiver, and completed more than one out of every ten passes, HE COULD BE GREAT!”

“If Mark Prior could only stay healthy long enough to pitch six innings before complaining of nagging pains in his vaginal wall, HE COULD BE GREAT!”

“If Corey Patterson would learn that no one’s going to take away his dinner if he doesn’t swing at the first pitch, struck out less than a fraternity guy at Lilith Fair, and laid off the neck high fastball, HE COULD BE GREAT!”

“If Tyler Graunke could only study as many lines in his playbook as he snorted off his coffee table, HE COULD BE GREAT!” (That’s right. I went there. Sorry, Tyler. If you “blow” your opportunity to capitalize on the media attention generated by Colt Brennan and make it to the NFL because you were too busy doing coke, you’re gonna get called out by the JBorhood. On that note, I have to pass along my favorite Tyler Graunke story. When Tyler was backing up Colt in 2007, he hit on my buddies girlfriend, M&M, at a bar one night.

Tyler: Hi, I’m Tyler Graunke.

M&M: Who?

Tyler: You know, the Quarterback for the University of Hawaii.

M&M: Isn’t that Colt Brennan?

Tyler: Well…uh…I play too.

M&M: How nice for you.

(M&M walks away)

Let’s just say, after I heard that story, I never expected much from the Graunke era.)

Sadly, this misplaced optimism almost never pays off. Fans keep waiting for their maddeningly gifted, yet tragically flawed idol to take the next step, but it rarely happens. Occasionally, a Brett Favre, a David Ortiz, or a Chauncey Billups will flip the switch and make the leap to greatness, but those players are few and far between. Generally, the great ones are great from day one.

Which is why I’m so excited about Derrick Rose: Because Derrick Rose is great.

From his unassuming 11 point, 9 assist debut to his 36 point, 11 assist, 4 rebound explosion in Game 1 of the Bulls/Celtics series, Derrick Rose has consistently exhibited greatness. That’s not to say he hasn’t struggled – because he has – simply, that in every game, good or bad, you know you’re watching something special. Whether it’s his lightning quick first step, uncanny court vision, or the way he drives the lane, absorbs a hard hit in mid air, and still finishes strong, his uncanny blend of hustle, basketball I.Q., and freakish athleticism are on display at all times.

As a Bulls fan, I haven’t been this excited about a player since, well, since you-know-who. And I’ve been excited about A LOT of players, because the Bulls have had A LOT of high draft picks.

I convinced myself that Elton Brand was the next great power forward (when really, he was like a vanilla ice cream cone: tasty and satisfying, yet wholly underwhelming.)

I convinced myself that Jamal Crawford would be a human highlight reel (when really, his defense made him a human lay-up drill.)

I convinced myself that Eddy Curry would score at will from the low post (when really, he couldn’t even score in the low post with his male chauffeur.)

I convinced myself that Jay Williams would make a historical impact on the NBA (when really, the only thing he made a historical impact on was a utility pole. Ooooohhh…Too soon?).

But, every time I convinced myself that the next player in the long line of disappointing draft picks would be great, I had a nagging sense of doubt. I talked myself into it, but I didn’t truly believe.

Until now.

Now, I’m all in. No doubt about it. 100%.

Derrick Rose is great. The only question left is how great.

I’d stop and think about it, but I’m too busy moaning in pleasure, praying to my deity of choice, and, of course, thinking about how much I’d pay for a lightly toasted ham and turkey with swiss.

[Author's Note: In a failing of epic proportions, I wrote a tribute article to my favorite basketball player (Derrick Rose) and misspelled his name (Derek Rose). Needless to say, I have since corrected the error (and reexamined my practice of publishing articles at 1 AM). Kudos to JBor Kolsky for setting me straight.

And here I thought losing to my wife in the JBorhood March Madness Extravaganza would be my most embarrassing April mishap.]

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Playoff Preview

Sadly, I’ve been so busy with a number of outside projects that most of the opening round series will have played three games by the time I post my predictions. On the plus side, I might actually get a few predictions right this year.

First Round

Eastern Conference

Cleveland Lebrons over Detroit Pistons

Ever since MJ retired in 98 (That’s right. 98. I don’t want to hear any nonsense about Washington. That never happened. You hear me? NEVER. HAPPENED.), basketball pundits have been dying to anoint players “the-next-Michael-Jordan”. Thus far, Kobe Bryant has come the closest, but even he hasn’t had the ability to single-handedly strap a team on his back and win a championship like Jordan did in 98 when Pippen was hobbled by a sore back, Rodman was one line of coke away from stripping naked at halftime in the playoffs and pissing all over the court, Kukoc had gained approximately 75 pounds from gorging himself on Big Macs after leaving Croatia, and the Bulls starting Center was Luc “a poor man’s Bill Wennington” Longley. This year, LeBron has a chance to step out from under the shadow of MJ, strap a scrappy, but largely untalented Cleveland team to his freakishly large back and put his own stamp on the league. First stop, Detroit. Next, the world.

LeBrons in 4

Heat over Hawks

I have to be honest: I can only name four players in this entire series: Dwanye Wade, Michael Beasley, Josh Smith, and Al Horford. When in doubt, might as well hitch my wagon to the superstar.

Heat in 6

Magic over Sixers

The Magic's best player is Dwight Howard and the Sixers best player is Andre Igoudala. If your best player’s name is Igoudala, you have problems.

Magic in 7

Celtics over Bulls

Before this series started, I would have said Celtics in 4 or 5. Now, I’m not so sure. Without KG, the Celtics are vulnerable and the Bulls are young enough and dumb enough to think they have a chance. I think the Bulls put up a valiant effort and the series goes 7 games, but I just don’t see the Bulls winning Game 7 in the Boston Garden.

Celtics in 7

Western Conference

Lakers over Jazz

The most amazing development in Kobe’s game as he’s gotten older is deference. He’s finally learned to trust his teammates (frankly, I’m not sure I could blame him for not trusting his teammates before when the team’s Point Guard was named Smush, but I digress…), and the Lakers have taken their game to another level. Pau Gasol is a perfect big man for Phil Jackson’s triangle offense and when they stay focused the Lakers look unstoppable.

I’ll go out on a limb and say the Jazz win one, maybe Game 3, on a Deron Williams buzzer beater. (Before you get impressed, check the posting date of this article.)

Lakers in 5

Rockets over Trail Blazers

Remember how I said that you know greatness when you see it? Well… I hate to break this to Blazers fans, but Greg Oden isn’t great. He’s a decent rebounder and an average defender who moves awkwardly and can’t stay out of foul trouble. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant is on his way to becoming the league's most dominant scorer. Sorry Portland, but Oden is the second coming of Sam Bowie.

Maybe it’s because I’m still bitter that the Bulls drafted Tyrus Thomas over Brandon Roy, but the Trailblazers do not excite me.

Rockets in 6

Dallas over San Antonio

On the subject of bad news, I hate to break this to Spurs fans, but your run as an elite NBA franchise is over. After playing over 1000 games and solidifying himself as possibly the best power forward of all-time, wear and tear have finally caught up to Tim Duncan. If Manu and Parker were healthy, the Spurs might have battled their way to one last title this year, but after Manu went down, the Spurs decade long run atop the NBA finally came to an end.

At least Spurs fans have four championship blankets in which to cry themselves to sleep.

Dallas in 6

Denver over New Orleans

Chris Paul is incredible (dare I say, great), but he’s a one man show. Plus, the Hornets quit on coach Byron Scott about a year ago.

Denver in 5

I'll post my second round predictions next week, maybe, if we're lucky, before three games have passed in each series.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! Conference Championship Edition

So, um...my picks were bad last week. Really bad. Let's just say that I got three out of four (three out of four wrong, that is) and move along.

In order to distract you from my egregiously poor prognostication abilities, I've decided to roll out the longest article title in JBorhood history and a special two-for-the-price of one article special this week. Perfect for that extra long Saturday morning bathroom trip.

So sit down, drop trou, and, as always, enjoy!

(Click here to view my Wild Card and Divisional Round break down and picks)

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I have a lot of shoes.

Not a note worthy handful but an egregious collection. An embarrassingly large assemblage of footwear. I don't mean a back of pair of brown dress shoes, I mean seven different options of foot coverage when visiting 24 Hour Fitness. I'm a modern day Imelda Marco, provided Imelda was tall, white, male and had more shoes.

My vast array of footwear allows me to select the perfect compliment to any outfit or situation -- word to the wise, never underestimate the power of a good pair of bathroom shoes -- however, since my wife and I moved into our new, relatively small apartment in preparation for the birth of our daughter, the issue of where to store said bevy of boots has caused a fair amount of friction.

I'm of the opinion that the entry way, the space under the sofa, the top of the television, the babies crib and the inside of the microwave are all perfectly reasonable places to store shoes. My wife, the illustrious Editor-in-Chief of the JBorhood, does not share this opinion.

In order to keep myself out of trouble, I started stashing shoes in the various drawers of our TV stand, which is conveniently located directly inside the front door. Relative harmony reigned for a few weeks until two days ago when my wife opened one of these handy drawers while searching for a workout video. After an animated and arguably humorous (or, more accurately, humorously argumentative) discussion about what items one might appropriately store in a TV stand, a brief discussion about how to divide our assets and a potential outline for custody and visitation rights, "we" came to the conclusion that storing footwear in a more "clothing appropriate" location would make life easier and happier for "all of us".

(Author's Note: Truth be told, my wife and I have an incredible relationship and agree on very nearly everything. We simply diverge on what constitutes a "clean" household: She believes its when items are put in a designated spot upon completion of usage. I believe its when you can't see the mess.)

The next morning, as I was heading out the door, I noticed that I'd left two pairs of jeans, which I picked up the day before after getting them hemmed, lying on the floor. (A huge shoe collection? Getting my jeans hemmed? This week's article is going to hell in a hand basket. For the record, I just burped, grabbed my crotch, downed a fifth of Jack Daniels and punched myself in the face.) Rather than leaving them in a heap on the floor, I decided to remove the mess by placing the jeans in the most convenient place available: the TV stand.

Needless to say, the following phone conversation took place later that day...

Editor-in-Chief: I'm impressed you found space for something besides shoes in the TV Stand.
Me: You should thank me for not leaving them on the floor.
Editor-in-Chief: That's like thanking you for putting dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
Me: I'm guessing this isn't the best time to suggest that you stick to the freezer today.
Editor-in-Chief: ...
Me: I'm kidding.
Editor-in-Chief: I'm checking anyway.

After verifying that I did not, in fact, place any dirty dishes in the refrigerator (thank God she never checked the microwave...), the Editor-in-Chief began to discuss her plans of starting a bonfire in our living room using my shoes and jeans as kindling when I caught her completely off guard with a rational explanation for my behavior. I explained that, I was late for work and on my way out the door when I noticed the jeans. I placed them in the TV stand to temporarily alleviate the mess, with the full intention of putting them in a (slightly) more rational location when I returned home.

Much to my surprise, she acknowledge that this made sense.

Ahhh, the beauty of context.

It's alright to put jeans in the TV stand, so long as you have a damn good reason for doing so.

Which, of course, brings us to Donovan McNabb.

In ten seasons in Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb has led the Eagles to seven playoff appearances, five conference championships, and a Super Bowl. He's been selected to five Pro Bowls, finished 2nd in MVP voting in 2000, won the NFC Offensive Player of the Year award in 2004, has a lifetime Quarterback rating of 85.9, a Touchdown to Interception ratio of 194 to 90, and never lost an opening round playoff game. Despite all these accomplishments, Donovan rarely gets the respect he deserves and is almost never mentioned among the best Quarterbacks in the league because of one thing he's never done: win a Super Bowl.

On the other hand, Eli Manning, has a lower career Quarterback rating (55.9), lower completion percentage (55.9 to Donovan's 58.9), a pedestrian touchdown to interception ratio (98 to 74) and has lost three out of four of his opening round playoff games, yet is constantly bandied about as one of the top quarterbacks in the game and is on the verge of becoming the highest paid player in the NFL, all because David Tyree put super glue on the side of his helmet.

The idea that Eli Manning is a better Quarterback then Donovan McNabb is laughable. Last Saturday, playing at home, with a far more talented team, and two weeks to prepare, Eli Manning missed open receiver after open receiver, while McNabb made big play after big play.

Every time the Eagles needed a big gain, Donovan made a play. When his protection broke down, he'd scramble in the backfield, buy himself a few extra seconds and find an open receiver. The Eagles were 7-14 on third down. The Giants were 3-13. Nuff said.

Hopefully, for Donovan's sake, the Eagles can dispatch the Cardinals this weekend and win the big one in two weeks. If not, I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive Donovan for storing his career in the proverbial TV Stand.

Original Prediction: GIANTS over Panthers
Revised Prediction: Eagles over CARDINALS

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I went to the Shack, a local burger chain, on Tuesday and ordered a bacon and blue cheese burger and a basket of fries. The burger was fantastic, as always, however, it was the fries that grabbed my attention.

There wasn't anything extraordinary about them. No special seasoning. No secret recipe. They were just, hot, crispy, and delicious, which surprised me. I always believed that making great fries required some magic, a special something, a certain je ne sais quoi.

The tangy zing of seasoned curly fries.
The intense flavor of Gordon Biesch Garlic Fries.
The perfect harmony of salty, sweet, and crunch of McDonalds Fries.

The fries from The Shack lack the superstar quality of the aforementioned potato wedges. They are not great, but they're damn good. They made me realized that making good fries is much simpler then I imagined.

Serve them hot.
Make them crispy.
Salt them appropriately.

That's it. It's not rocket science, just simple goodness.

Which, of course, brings us to Joe Flacco.

As I have repeated ad nauseum in the JBorhood, Joe Flacco is not a great quarterback. He doesn't move well in the pocket, he tends to lock on to his primary target, and his accuracy leaves something to be desired. He lacks the ability to take over a game or put his team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. But, after watching him stand strong in the pocket, make just enough big plays down field to keep the defense honest, and play 60 minutes of smart, confident football in the Ravens stunning victory over the Titans I realized that I owe Flacco an apology.

I spent so much time pointing out the fact that Flacco is not a great quarterback, that I completely overlooked the possibility that he was a good quarterback. But, as I sat at The Shack, enjoying my basket of solid, yet unspectacular French Fries, I had an epiphany: Quarterback play is just like making french fries. You don't have to be special to succeed and the recipe for success is very simple.

Don't turn the ball over.
Don't take a lot of sacks.
Make a few plays down field at critical moments.

Through two playoff games, Flacco has zero turnovers, zero sacks, a handful of great throws and, most importantly, two wins. It's not always pretty, but, as The Shack fries teach us, you don't have to be special to be high quality. I'll take me some Flacco fries any day.

(Of course, after all that, I'm still taking Pittsburgh this weekend. What? I said I was wrong, I never said I was crazy.)

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers
Re-Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Ravens

Super Bowl
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS
Re-Revised Prediction: I think it's better for all of us if I just sit this one out til next week.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza!

Congratulations to the Chargers for their stunning upset of the Colts. A similar tip of the cap to the Cardinals, Eagles, and Ravens for their rousing victories over the weekend. Each team played hard, executed well, and deserves high praise for their performance.

It's a shame they don't mean anything.

That's right. You heard me. Not. A. Thing.

In fact -- and this might shock you -- even the Steelers and Panthers have nothing left to play for.

Due to the bizarre rules of the NFL and the continued collusion by a corrupt collection of conspirators (he pauses to bask in the glory of the 2009's first amazingly awesome alliteration), the only game that matters is the NFLCS Championship Game between the #1 Giants and #2 Titans.

Or at least that's what the BCS would have you believe.

Actually, after last night's loss, Oklahoma finished the season in 5th place, so the BCS would have you believe that the Giants and the Colts should square off for the title. (The JBorhood kindly asks that you overlook the similarity of this pick to his own initial playoff prognostication.)

But then, the BCS would have you believe that Florida and Choke-lahoma -- 4 BCS Title Game Appearances. 3 double-digit losses. 5-game BCS losing streak. Yup, choke sounds right -- are better then USC's NFL minor league team and undefeated Utah.

The BCS would have you believe that their was no shooter on the grassy knoll.

The BCS would have you believe that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban is the coach of the year, even though Utah's Kyle Wittingham led a school with far less resources and talent to an undefeated season and embarrassed Saban's Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl. (To be fair, the Coach of the Year award is an NCAA award, not a BCS award, however, I figure while I'm assigning blame and have identified a convenient scapegoat, might as well heap as much as blame on them as possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure the BCS caused the sub-prime mortgage crisis and global warming, and co-wrote the Star Wars prequels.)

Lucky for us, the BCS does not run the NFL and the NFL does not decide their champion using a combination of polls, computer rankings, media blather and what Paris Hilton wore to go clubbing last weekend.

The NFL decides their champions like men. (Which is to say that men decide their issues by suiting up in pads with ten of their closest friends and spending sixty minutes knocking the bejesus out of each other fighting over an oblong ball?)

And for that, I am thankful, as are the Chargers, Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles, and football fans everywhere.

Now let's get it on!

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Wild Card Round

Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Three out of four first round match-up correct? We're breaking new ground here in the JBorhood. I'd boast a little, except for the tiny, minuscule, mostly insignificant detail that I picked the one team that lost to make it to the Super Bowl. But then, it wouldn't be a JBorhood Prognostication Extravaganza! without comically awful predictions. Remember, I'm the same guy that picked the Giants to lose all four playoff games last year. I have serious low standards to uphold.

Divisional Round
Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Chargers

The Steelers defense is good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come see how good the Steelers defense is. (For those of you who've never seen Anchorman -- *cough* Trenton *cough* -- I apologize for the previous joke, since it makes no sense to you. But, seriously, if you haven't seen Anchorman at this point, I have no sympathy for you.)

How good, you...err, I ask?

Their opponents gained less then 300 yards in every game but one.

That's not good, that's freaky-deeky. (Feel free to use this term when describing the Pittsburgh defense to your friends.)

I know that San Diego has talent.
I know that they just knocked off my Super Bowl favorite.
I know they're a trendy upset pick.

I also know that the front seven of Pittsburgh is too big, too good and too fast to let mighty mite Darren Sproles and the Chargers offense develop any rhythm or consistency.

I envision a loooooooooooooooooooooooong day for Chargers QB Phillip Rivers.

TITANS over Ravens

The Titans are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

The Ravens are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

If you can differentiate between these teams, you're a better man then I.

(I would like to take a moment and pat myself on the back for discussing the Ravens without pointing out Joe Flacco's glaring inadequacies. An entire paragraph without mentioning that he'll be working at a IHOP in three years. One detailed discussion sans any cracks about how he couldn't hit the Ocean if he was standing on the Beach. I'm making real progress here.)

GIANTS over Eagles

The Giants pair a well balanced offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

The Eagles pair a well balance offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

If you can differentiate between these team, you're a better man then I.

PANTHERS over Cardinals

The Cardinals do two things well: Stop the run and pass the football. That is why I picked them to knock off Atlanta, who primarily runs the football and struggles to stop the pass.

The Panthers also primarily run the football, however, they do not struggle to stop the pass. In fact, the strength of their defense is applying pressure to opposing quarterbacks and shutting down opposing passing games. Couple that with an 8-0 record at home, the Cardinals 0-5 record in road games on the East Coast, and the fact that the Cardinals were outscored 102 to 202 in those games and you have the easiest pick of the day.

(It is worth noting, however, that the Cardinals had the ball at the end of the game with a chance to win in a 23-27 Week 8 loss at Carolina.)

Conference Championship Round (Detailed analysis to come 1/16/2009)
GIANTS over Panthers

The one thing the Panthers can't do is stop the run. Not good when you're facing the NFL's leading rushing team.

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers

Remember I said that the Steelers held every team but one to less then 300 yards? You know who that one team was?

That's right. The Titans.

Super Bowl (Detailed analysis to come in Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!)
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS

Giants vs. Titans?

#1 vs #2?

What can I say? Sometimes the NFLCS gets it right...

NBA Playoff Prognostication 2008

Before I begin expounding on the minutia of the upcoming NBA playoffs, I need to let you in on my dirty little secret:

I was the shooter on the grassy knoll.

(No, wait. Wrong secret. Let's try that again.)

I don't know anything about the NBA.

That's right. I'm embarrassed to say it, but it's true. Over the years, due to factors I'm still unclear about, my time spent at the office has greatly increased, while my time spent sitting on the couch, drinking beer and watching the NBA has precipitously dropped off. If the battle for my free time was a presidential election, the super delegates would have shifted their allegiance to the candidate endorsing hard work and a strong economy because the pro-couch/beer/basketball candidate no longer had sufficient funds to bribe them. I still have time to catch the occasional game, watch SportsCenter every once in a while and read enough online articles to make a convincing argument for who should win the MVP award -- Chris Paul narrowly edges out KG and Kobe for making Tyson Chandler an offensive force. Seriously, how do you turn a player with teeny woman hands and zero offensive moves into a 12 point per game scorer? This fact alone should guarantee him the award. -- but I simply don't have time to watch enough basketball games to make enlightened observations about the current state of the NBA.

A large part of this has to do with Fantasy Sports. I'm a big proponent of Fantasy Baseball and enjoy the bourgeois appeal of Fantasy Football, but no matter how hard I try, I can't get in to Fantasy Basketball. It just doesn't work for me. In baseball, statistics tell me that Barry Bonds gets on base every other time he steps up to the plate, hits home runs like Ike Turner hit wives and that his defensive range and base stealing abilities have developed inversely proportional to the growth of his cranium. In basketball, statistics tell me that Jason Kidd has a superb assist to turnover ratio, but they can't explain that he gets used more then a beer bong at a frat house when he tries to guard anyone with two functional legs. You can make the same argument about football statistics, but Fantasy Football isn't about statistics; Fantasy Football is what we use to explain to our girlfriends why we have to watch the Seahawks play the Ravens on Thursday Night Football instead of attending her cousins third birthday party ("I really WANT to go, honey, but it's the second week of the season and that's, like, the most important week.").

Since I don't play Fantasy Basketball, I don't spend hours and hours pouring over basketball statistics the way I do football and baseball stats. I can easily rattle off who has the lowest batting average in major league baseball right now -- David Ortiz at a stunning .121 -- who's leading the majors in home runs -- Carlos Pena, Derek Lee and Mike Jacobs are all tied with 6 -- or even who led the NFL in rushing last year, -- Ladanian Tomlinson with 1474 yards -- but I can't, for the life of me, tell you anything about basketball other then LeBron James led the league in scoring with 30 points a game, and only because I heard that on ESPN radio on the drive home.

So take what I say with a grain of salt. In fact take it with a lot of salt. Get out a Margarita glass, line the rim with salt and let me pour my delicious, refreshing and hilariously uninformed thoughts, musings and predictions into it for your enjoyment. Because, let's face it, my predictions can't get any worse.

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2008 NBA Playoff Prognostication

First Round

Eastern Conference

Celtics over Hawks

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
(My response to: "Will the Hawks win a game in this series?")

Pistons over Sixers

I had to look on Yahoo sports to see who the Pistons were playing in the second round. That's embarrassing. Not for me, for the Sixers. Is there anyone who takes this team seriously? (Ok, anyone who doesn't live in Philadelphia?) Is there anyone who can name a player on the Sixers other then the Andres (Igoudala and Miller)? I'd rather watch the WNBA then watch the Pistons dismantle the Sixers. Check please.

Magic over Raptors

Ummm...really? I'm not sure I could know less about either of these teams. I'll summarize my collective knowledge:

1. The Magic have Dwight Howard
2. The Magic also have JBorhood favorite Hedu Turkoglu, or as my brother likes to call him, "Glu" or "Elmer" (In reference to Elmer's glue and, more importantly, the fact that he just looks like an Elmer.)
3. The Raptors have two players with cool foreign names: Andrea Bargnani and Jose Calderon

That's it. I'm out. In lieu of any insight, I'll go with the superstar. I say Dwight Howard dominates down low and Elmer knocks down some big shots.

GO ELMER!

LeBrons over Wizards

New year, same crappy supporting cast for LeBron James, same end result: LeBron straps the chumps on his back and single handedly wills them to victory. The Wizards are the popular pick this year, since Cleveland struggled down the stretch and the Wizards are finally at full strength, but I don't see what's different about this Washington team then the team that has lost to the LeBrons the past two years in the first round. Sorry Wizards, better luck next year.

Western Conference

Lakers over Nuggets

Whenever I think of Kobe, I'm reminded of the Eminem song, "Kill You".

You don't, want to f*ck with Kobe
(Cause why?)
Cause Kobe, will f*cking kill you

Seriously, Kobe scares me. Nobody does the Michael Jordan I'm-going-to-win-this-game-by-the-sheer-force-of-my-facial-expression better then Kobe. He looks like a man on a mission this year and there's no way he loses to Enver in first round. (By the way, that was not a typo. There's no "D" in Denver.)

Mavericks over Hornets

Speaking of crazy facial expressions, have you seen Dirk Nowitzki play lately? He's reclaimed the sneer he used to propel the Mavericks to the NBA Finals in 2006. Why is the sneer so important? Well, without the sneer, Dirk Nowitzki he looks like David Hasselhoff's sissy oafish brother. With the sneer, he looks like like Karl from Die Hard. If you're a Mavericks fan, which one of those guys would you rather have leading your team?

Now, I fully expect Chris Paul to make a mockery of the defender formerly known as Jason Kidd, but I think that in the end, the sneer will win out.

Suns over Spurs

Has their even been a more exciting first round match-up on paper then Spurs/Suns? Duncan, Ginobli, and Parker vs. Shaq, Amare, and Nash. I am more excited about this series than about any series in the remainder of the playoffs (with the possible exceptions of the Kobe vs. Shaq or Chris Paul vs. Deron Williams potential match-ups in the Western Conference finals). There have been NBA Finals match ups where both teams are worse then either of these two teams, AND THIS IS THE FIRST ROUND!

I have no idea what to make of this series. San Antonio plays the best team basketball in the league, but the new-look-Suns with a revitalized Shaquille O'neal, are a destructive force on offense and on defense. My gut tells me that the Spurs will win like they always do, but my heart desperate wants the Suns to win and vindicate Steve Kerr and his huge balls. Kerr was torn to shreds in the media for months for having the giant swinging cojones to pull of the Shaq trade and nothing short of an NBA title will get people off his back.

Here's to Steve.

Here's to the Shaq.

Here's to the Suns.

And, of course, here's to huge swinging balls.

Jazz over Rockets

Kudos to the Rockets for their 22 game win streak and kudos to Tracy McGrady for his (soon to be) 7 series long playoff losing streak.

Conference Semi-Finals

Eastern Conference

Celtics over LeBrons

As LeBron proved last year, he's good enough to beat most teams all by himself, just not the great teams. I've got bad news for LeBron and Cleveland fans: The Celtics are a great team.

Pistons over Magic

I want to believe that Dwight Howard has the ability to put the Magic on his (admittedly large) back and carry them past the Pistons, ala LeBron James last year. Unfortunately, at this stage in his career, Dwight looks like a great ball player who lacks the killer instinct, more Kevin Garnett than Kobe Bryant. But he's young and maybe he just hasn't had the opportunity to prove me wrong. Here's hoping, because, as a Bulls fan, nothing makes me happier then watching someone wipe the smug, stupid, cocky grins off the faces of Chauncey, Rip and Rasheed.

I hate the Pistons.

Western Conference

Lakers over Jazz

I'm going to conveniently sidestep the fact that I know so little about the Utah Jazz but bring up my biggest grievance with their team: Their name makes no sense! There's no Jazz in Utah. The team just kept the name when they moved from New Oreleans, the birthplace of jazz! If they wanted a Utah appropriate name they should have gone with the Utah Caucasions, the Utah Polygamists or the Utah Salt Lake Aquatic Mammals (look, I understand that no animals except an extreme saliophile, and ceratinly not a mammal, could survive in the harsh climate of the Great Salt Lake, but go with me for comedy's sake).

Until the Jazz relinquish the rightful name of the New Orleans franchise, the JBorhood hereby decrees that they shall never win an NBA title. Say hello to the Curse of the Jazz!

Suns over Mavericks

The Suns are to the Mavs what John McClain is to Karl. Sorry big fellah, but sneer or no sneer, your playoffs end here.

Conference Finals

Celtics over Pistons

Did I mention that I hate the Pistons?

Well, with that in mind, nothing short of a Chicago Bulls run to the Finals could get me this excited about watching an Eastern Conference Finals. Not because I think the games will be exciting, but because I'm excited to watch Kevin Garnett rip Rasheed Wallace's heart out of his chest and eat it at center court. Nothing would please me more then watching the Piston's starters sulk on the bench with towels on their head as they watch the Celtics close out a four game sweep and effectively end the Pistons stranglehold on the Eastern Conference.

Lakers over Suns

Shaq vs. Kobe with a trip to the Finals on the line. Good lord.

I would love for the Suns to win and validate Steve Kerr's moxy, but that would violate my Kobe Rule: When in doubt, pick Kobe. It's that simple. He has the abilty to take over a fourth quarter to such a degree that even my wife, who loves watching basketball with me, but doesn't know Manu Ginobli from Boris Diaw (wait, what am I saying, neither do I), when asked what the Lakers should do on any given possession, will say "Give the ball to Kobe" (In case you doubt this, I just asked her the question and the exact words out of her mouth were "Give the ball to Kobe". Ahhh, I've trained her so well.)

So, sentimentally, I love the Suns, but I can't shake the feeling that 2008 is the year of the favorite. First all #1 seeds make it to the Final Four and now the two best teams in the NBA will go at it in an NBA Finals for the ages.

Get ready for...

NBA Finals

Celtics over Lakers

Yeah, we're gonna party like it's 1989! (Ok, ok, I realize that the Lakers met the Pistons in the '89 Finals, but if I say party like it's 1987 -- the last time the Lakers met the Celtics in the Finals -- then I completely lose the veiled reference to the Prince song. Jeez, you're a tough crowd...)

Anyway, after I spent three paragraphs explaining why it's sheer lunacy to bet against Kobe, I'm going to violate my own rule (meanwhile, my wife is shaking her head at me, saying I should "give the ball to Kobe"). The Lakers are great. Kobe is otherworldly. But the Celtics are the best team to grace the floor of the NBA in 10 years. They won their games by an average of 10.3 points per game, an average that includes the last month of the season when KG, Pierce and Allen all played vastly reduced minutes. That 10.3 points per game differential is higher then all but three teams in the moder era (and all those teams had a little someone named Michael Jordan).

Now, Kobe may go all Michael on us and take over the Finals, but short of a truly Jordanesque performance, the Celtics are too deep, too talented and too driven to be denied. It should be a Finals match up for the ages, but I see future NBA Finals MVP Kevin Garnett finally hoisting the trophy that has eluded him all these years.

(Of course, now that I've written that, it'll probably be a Utah Jazz, Detroit Pistons Finals. But, then again, what do I know?)