2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! Conference Championship Edition

So, um...my picks were bad last week. Really bad. Let's just say that I got three out of four (three out of four wrong, that is) and move along.

In order to distract you from my egregiously poor prognostication abilities, I've decided to roll out the longest article title in JBorhood history and a special two-for-the-price of one article special this week. Perfect for that extra long Saturday morning bathroom trip.

So sit down, drop trou, and, as always, enjoy!

(Click here to view my Wild Card and Divisional Round break down and picks)

---

I have a lot of shoes.

Not a note worthy handful but an egregious collection. An embarrassingly large assemblage of footwear. I don't mean a back of pair of brown dress shoes, I mean seven different options of foot coverage when visiting 24 Hour Fitness. I'm a modern day Imelda Marco, provided Imelda was tall, white, male and had more shoes.

My vast array of footwear allows me to select the perfect compliment to any outfit or situation -- word to the wise, never underestimate the power of a good pair of bathroom shoes -- however, since my wife and I moved into our new, relatively small apartment in preparation for the birth of our daughter, the issue of where to store said bevy of boots has caused a fair amount of friction.

I'm of the opinion that the entry way, the space under the sofa, the top of the television, the babies crib and the inside of the microwave are all perfectly reasonable places to store shoes. My wife, the illustrious Editor-in-Chief of the JBorhood, does not share this opinion.

In order to keep myself out of trouble, I started stashing shoes in the various drawers of our TV stand, which is conveniently located directly inside the front door. Relative harmony reigned for a few weeks until two days ago when my wife opened one of these handy drawers while searching for a workout video. After an animated and arguably humorous (or, more accurately, humorously argumentative) discussion about what items one might appropriately store in a TV stand, a brief discussion about how to divide our assets and a potential outline for custody and visitation rights, "we" came to the conclusion that storing footwear in a more "clothing appropriate" location would make life easier and happier for "all of us".

(Author's Note: Truth be told, my wife and I have an incredible relationship and agree on very nearly everything. We simply diverge on what constitutes a "clean" household: She believes its when items are put in a designated spot upon completion of usage. I believe its when you can't see the mess.)

The next morning, as I was heading out the door, I noticed that I'd left two pairs of jeans, which I picked up the day before after getting them hemmed, lying on the floor. (A huge shoe collection? Getting my jeans hemmed? This week's article is going to hell in a hand basket. For the record, I just burped, grabbed my crotch, downed a fifth of Jack Daniels and punched myself in the face.) Rather than leaving them in a heap on the floor, I decided to remove the mess by placing the jeans in the most convenient place available: the TV stand.

Needless to say, the following phone conversation took place later that day...

Editor-in-Chief: I'm impressed you found space for something besides shoes in the TV Stand.
Me: You should thank me for not leaving them on the floor.
Editor-in-Chief: That's like thanking you for putting dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
Me: I'm guessing this isn't the best time to suggest that you stick to the freezer today.
Editor-in-Chief: ...
Me: I'm kidding.
Editor-in-Chief: I'm checking anyway.

After verifying that I did not, in fact, place any dirty dishes in the refrigerator (thank God she never checked the microwave...), the Editor-in-Chief began to discuss her plans of starting a bonfire in our living room using my shoes and jeans as kindling when I caught her completely off guard with a rational explanation for my behavior. I explained that, I was late for work and on my way out the door when I noticed the jeans. I placed them in the TV stand to temporarily alleviate the mess, with the full intention of putting them in a (slightly) more rational location when I returned home.

Much to my surprise, she acknowledge that this made sense.

Ahhh, the beauty of context.

It's alright to put jeans in the TV stand, so long as you have a damn good reason for doing so.

Which, of course, brings us to Donovan McNabb.

In ten seasons in Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb has led the Eagles to seven playoff appearances, five conference championships, and a Super Bowl. He's been selected to five Pro Bowls, finished 2nd in MVP voting in 2000, won the NFC Offensive Player of the Year award in 2004, has a lifetime Quarterback rating of 85.9, a Touchdown to Interception ratio of 194 to 90, and never lost an opening round playoff game. Despite all these accomplishments, Donovan rarely gets the respect he deserves and is almost never mentioned among the best Quarterbacks in the league because of one thing he's never done: win a Super Bowl.

On the other hand, Eli Manning, has a lower career Quarterback rating (55.9), lower completion percentage (55.9 to Donovan's 58.9), a pedestrian touchdown to interception ratio (98 to 74) and has lost three out of four of his opening round playoff games, yet is constantly bandied about as one of the top quarterbacks in the game and is on the verge of becoming the highest paid player in the NFL, all because David Tyree put super glue on the side of his helmet.

The idea that Eli Manning is a better Quarterback then Donovan McNabb is laughable. Last Saturday, playing at home, with a far more talented team, and two weeks to prepare, Eli Manning missed open receiver after open receiver, while McNabb made big play after big play.

Every time the Eagles needed a big gain, Donovan made a play. When his protection broke down, he'd scramble in the backfield, buy himself a few extra seconds and find an open receiver. The Eagles were 7-14 on third down. The Giants were 3-13. Nuff said.

Hopefully, for Donovan's sake, the Eagles can dispatch the Cardinals this weekend and win the big one in two weeks. If not, I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive Donovan for storing his career in the proverbial TV Stand.

Original Prediction: GIANTS over Panthers
Revised Prediction: Eagles over CARDINALS

---

I went to the Shack, a local burger chain, on Tuesday and ordered a bacon and blue cheese burger and a basket of fries. The burger was fantastic, as always, however, it was the fries that grabbed my attention.

There wasn't anything extraordinary about them. No special seasoning. No secret recipe. They were just, hot, crispy, and delicious, which surprised me. I always believed that making great fries required some magic, a special something, a certain je ne sais quoi.

The tangy zing of seasoned curly fries.
The intense flavor of Gordon Biesch Garlic Fries.
The perfect harmony of salty, sweet, and crunch of McDonalds Fries.

The fries from The Shack lack the superstar quality of the aforementioned potato wedges. They are not great, but they're damn good. They made me realized that making good fries is much simpler then I imagined.

Serve them hot.
Make them crispy.
Salt them appropriately.

That's it. It's not rocket science, just simple goodness.

Which, of course, brings us to Joe Flacco.

As I have repeated ad nauseum in the JBorhood, Joe Flacco is not a great quarterback. He doesn't move well in the pocket, he tends to lock on to his primary target, and his accuracy leaves something to be desired. He lacks the ability to take over a game or put his team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. But, after watching him stand strong in the pocket, make just enough big plays down field to keep the defense honest, and play 60 minutes of smart, confident football in the Ravens stunning victory over the Titans I realized that I owe Flacco an apology.

I spent so much time pointing out the fact that Flacco is not a great quarterback, that I completely overlooked the possibility that he was a good quarterback. But, as I sat at The Shack, enjoying my basket of solid, yet unspectacular French Fries, I had an epiphany: Quarterback play is just like making french fries. You don't have to be special to succeed and the recipe for success is very simple.

Don't turn the ball over.
Don't take a lot of sacks.
Make a few plays down field at critical moments.

Through two playoff games, Flacco has zero turnovers, zero sacks, a handful of great throws and, most importantly, two wins. It's not always pretty, but, as The Shack fries teach us, you don't have to be special to be high quality. I'll take me some Flacco fries any day.

(Of course, after all that, I'm still taking Pittsburgh this weekend. What? I said I was wrong, I never said I was crazy.)

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers
Re-Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Ravens

Super Bowl
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS
Re-Revised Prediction: I think it's better for all of us if I just sit this one out til next week.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza!

Congratulations to the Chargers for their stunning upset of the Colts. A similar tip of the cap to the Cardinals, Eagles, and Ravens for their rousing victories over the weekend. Each team played hard, executed well, and deserves high praise for their performance.

It's a shame they don't mean anything.

That's right. You heard me. Not. A. Thing.

In fact -- and this might shock you -- even the Steelers and Panthers have nothing left to play for.

Due to the bizarre rules of the NFL and the continued collusion by a corrupt collection of conspirators (he pauses to bask in the glory of the 2009's first amazingly awesome alliteration), the only game that matters is the NFLCS Championship Game between the #1 Giants and #2 Titans.

Or at least that's what the BCS would have you believe.

Actually, after last night's loss, Oklahoma finished the season in 5th place, so the BCS would have you believe that the Giants and the Colts should square off for the title. (The JBorhood kindly asks that you overlook the similarity of this pick to his own initial playoff prognostication.)

But then, the BCS would have you believe that Florida and Choke-lahoma -- 4 BCS Title Game Appearances. 3 double-digit losses. 5-game BCS losing streak. Yup, choke sounds right -- are better then USC's NFL minor league team and undefeated Utah.

The BCS would have you believe that their was no shooter on the grassy knoll.

The BCS would have you believe that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban is the coach of the year, even though Utah's Kyle Wittingham led a school with far less resources and talent to an undefeated season and embarrassed Saban's Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl. (To be fair, the Coach of the Year award is an NCAA award, not a BCS award, however, I figure while I'm assigning blame and have identified a convenient scapegoat, might as well heap as much as blame on them as possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure the BCS caused the sub-prime mortgage crisis and global warming, and co-wrote the Star Wars prequels.)

Lucky for us, the BCS does not run the NFL and the NFL does not decide their champion using a combination of polls, computer rankings, media blather and what Paris Hilton wore to go clubbing last weekend.

The NFL decides their champions like men. (Which is to say that men decide their issues by suiting up in pads with ten of their closest friends and spending sixty minutes knocking the bejesus out of each other fighting over an oblong ball?)

And for that, I am thankful, as are the Chargers, Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles, and football fans everywhere.

Now let's get it on!

---

Wild Card Round

Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Three out of four first round match-up correct? We're breaking new ground here in the JBorhood. I'd boast a little, except for the tiny, minuscule, mostly insignificant detail that I picked the one team that lost to make it to the Super Bowl. But then, it wouldn't be a JBorhood Prognostication Extravaganza! without comically awful predictions. Remember, I'm the same guy that picked the Giants to lose all four playoff games last year. I have serious low standards to uphold.

Divisional Round
Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Chargers

The Steelers defense is good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come see how good the Steelers defense is. (For those of you who've never seen Anchorman -- *cough* Trenton *cough* -- I apologize for the previous joke, since it makes no sense to you. But, seriously, if you haven't seen Anchorman at this point, I have no sympathy for you.)

How good, you...err, I ask?

Their opponents gained less then 300 yards in every game but one.

That's not good, that's freaky-deeky. (Feel free to use this term when describing the Pittsburgh defense to your friends.)

I know that San Diego has talent.
I know that they just knocked off my Super Bowl favorite.
I know they're a trendy upset pick.

I also know that the front seven of Pittsburgh is too big, too good and too fast to let mighty mite Darren Sproles and the Chargers offense develop any rhythm or consistency.

I envision a loooooooooooooooooooooooong day for Chargers QB Phillip Rivers.

TITANS over Ravens

The Titans are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

The Ravens are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

If you can differentiate between these teams, you're a better man then I.

(I would like to take a moment and pat myself on the back for discussing the Ravens without pointing out Joe Flacco's glaring inadequacies. An entire paragraph without mentioning that he'll be working at a IHOP in three years. One detailed discussion sans any cracks about how he couldn't hit the Ocean if he was standing on the Beach. I'm making real progress here.)

GIANTS over Eagles

The Giants pair a well balanced offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

The Eagles pair a well balance offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

If you can differentiate between these team, you're a better man then I.

PANTHERS over Cardinals

The Cardinals do two things well: Stop the run and pass the football. That is why I picked them to knock off Atlanta, who primarily runs the football and struggles to stop the pass.

The Panthers also primarily run the football, however, they do not struggle to stop the pass. In fact, the strength of their defense is applying pressure to opposing quarterbacks and shutting down opposing passing games. Couple that with an 8-0 record at home, the Cardinals 0-5 record in road games on the East Coast, and the fact that the Cardinals were outscored 102 to 202 in those games and you have the easiest pick of the day.

(It is worth noting, however, that the Cardinals had the ball at the end of the game with a chance to win in a 23-27 Week 8 loss at Carolina.)

Conference Championship Round (Detailed analysis to come 1/16/2009)
GIANTS over Panthers

The one thing the Panthers can't do is stop the run. Not good when you're facing the NFL's leading rushing team.

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers

Remember I said that the Steelers held every team but one to less then 300 yards? You know who that one team was?

That's right. The Titans.

Super Bowl (Detailed analysis to come in Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!)
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS

Giants vs. Titans?

#1 vs #2?

What can I say? Sometimes the NFLCS gets it right...

We're Going to Disney World!

We're going to Disney World!

You, me and our closest 658 friends.

(In case you were wondering, that was the Hawaii State Board of Education's answer to the question, "You've just found out that you have to cut one million dollars from your budget, what are you going to do?")

In a decision that can only be described as mind bogglingly stupid (I swear, it's the ONLY way to describe it. Nothing else would suffice. Take that hyperbole to the bank.), the BOE decided to deal with a budget deficit by cutting the budget of High School sports by nearly 10%. Then, since one bad decision deserves another (otherwise they get lonely), they decided to address the budget reduction by cutting JV sports completely. For sake of argument, I'll overlook the fact that studies have linked physical activity to improved brain function. I'll kindly glaze over the studies showing that kids in organized school activities are far less likely to do drugs or commit a crime. What I refuse to ignore is the Board of Education sending 680 people on a paid vacation to Disney World, in a year when they need to make 10 million dollars in budget cuts.

Yes. That's right. The Board of Education sent 680 people to Orlando, Florida and justified it as a business trip to check out a model school.

I'm sure there's a model school in Orlando. I'll take it on good faith that all 680 people visited the school and learned valuable educational lessons that they have since applied to their own school district in Hawaii. But the thing I can't possibly understand is why they sent 680 people to do a job that could have easily been done by five.

My first thought was that they wanted to send someone from every school in Hawaii to visit the model school. That sounds quasi-logical, right?

Except, of course, for the fact that there are only 280 schools in Hawaii. That means the BOE sent approximately two and a half people from every school on the island to do a job they could have accomplished by paying for the principal of the model school to come visit. Hell, they could have paid for the entire school administration and all the teachers to fly to Hawaii and still have spent less then they did to ship everyone off to the third Happiest Place on Earth. (The second being Disney Land and the first, of course, being my pants. Sorry, that joke sounded better in my head.)

The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.

(Author's Note: For the most part, I try to maintain a fair measure of journalistic integrity here in the JBorhood. That said, the goal is to inform AND entertain, so I opted for a more sensational approach to this story. In truth, the story deserves a more gentle touch and a fair amount of research. In the interest of fairness, I will learn more about the trip to Orlando as well as the Department of Education's budget so that I can provide more substantive feedback on the story. In the mean time, can you believe they sent 680 people to Orlando????!?!?!?!?!?!?!!)

Wait a second...Colt Breannan is Awesome? Get out of town...

I hate to say I told you so (Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. I love being right and I love letting everybody know about it, but humility seems to be all the rage these days, so I'll play along.), but Colt Brennan is an amazing Quarterback. In his debut for the Redskins, Colt went 9/10 for 123 yards and 2 touchdowns, completed passes of 20, 26 and 34 yards, and scrambled out of the pocket on a play when his protection broke down, strung the play along for about 10 seconds before finding an open man in the end zone. Vintage Colt.

Meanwhile, Joe Flacco went 0/3 for 0 yards and 2 sacks in his debut and began updating his resume. Don't worry, Joe. Frank's House of Pancakes will always be there for you.

(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)

Paris Hilton for President? That's Hot.

I usually refrain from commenting about anything remotely involving Paris Hilton. I'm not a fan of shooting fish in a barrel and it's far too easy to poke fun at a spoiled debutante, whose claim to fame is enormous wealth and a sex tape. That said, I'd like to give a JBorhood tip-of-the-cap to Paris for her video retaliation of John McCain's attack add, which negatively compared Barack Obama to Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton. Not only does Paris manage to laugh at herself in the video, she presents a forward thinking, coherent Energy plan and tops it off with "I'll see you at the debate...bitches."

Bravo, Paris. Bravo.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die