Shacking up with March Madness

For some reason, the United States Government has not realized the importance of the NCAA Tournament and declared the first two days of March Madness an official holiday. (Barack, if you're listening, you'd have my vote forever.) For those of us in Hawaii without any vacation or sick days to use, that means missing the entire first round of upsets and insanity. In order to capture a small amount of the fun, I decided to take a late lunch and watch the end of a few games (Texas/Minnesota, Michigan/Clemson, American/Villanova, Gonzaga/Akron) at The Shack in Mililani.

I decided to record the details of my experience and share them in the first ever JBorhood Running Diary.

Enjoy.

2:48pm: Arrive at The Shack Mililani. After a moment's hesitation, decide the quintessential American sporting event featuring American University will go best with a quintessentially American pint of ice cold Coors Light.

2:49pm: American University is desperately clinging to a 53-47 lead with 11:47 to play. On another TV, Michigan has climbed to a commanding 50-38 lead over Clemson. I preemptively pat myself on the back for picking the Wolverines to make it to the Sweet 16. I take a long cold sip of Coors Light. All is right with the world.

2:50pm: Feeling really good about the Michigan pick. They play a ferocious, swarming zone defense and Clemson looks lost on offense. I make a mental note to never underestimate the power of a boring, yet well executed zone defense.

2:51pm: American has apparently decided to resort to running around like crazy, dribbling out of control, and shooting off-balanced three pointers. Their four point lead looks about as stable as the economy. On the bright side, their 4' 11", 145 pound (approximately) point guard, Derrick Mercer, is freakishly quick off the dribble. It's a shame he can't hit the broad side of a barn.

2:54pm: Just saw a commercial for a cell phone service, KGB, that will answer any question you have via text message. The urge to ask KGB to decide what beer I should try next proves overwhelming. I ask them whether I should have another Coors Light or mix it up with a Kona Brewing Company Fire Rock Pale Ale. I am currently more excited about their reply then the Michigan/Clemson game.

2:56pm: American is running the Princeton weave offense with surprising effectiveness. I consider the fact that Hawaii got to the Sugar Bowl using the Run-and-Shoot and wonder why more small colleges don't employ bizarre offensive strategies. I begin to think American has a chance.

2:57pm: American hoists what I believe the Guinness Book of Records will one day classify as the worst forced shot in the history of College Basketball. They lead 55-51 with 9:00 to play. The guy next to me offers to bet me a beer that Villanova wins by 10. I decline the bet.

2:58pm: My cell phone beeps indicating I have a text message. It's KGB informing me that each answer will cost 99 cents and that I need to formally accept their terms of service with a reply. I decide the JBorhood needs a definitive answer to this question and accept the offer.

3:01pm: American's power forward, Stephen Lumpkins (picture a whiter, less athletically gifted, Chris Mimh), dribbles down the lane and throws up an out of control shot that barely hits the underside of the rim. I ask the guy next to me whether American University practices out of control drives and forced shots during practice.

3:05pm: Villanova ties the game with 7:40 remaining. The only person still optimistic about American's chances is their Eagle Mascot, who I believe may be crying under his mask.

3:06pm: Derrick Mercer turns the ball over using the patented American wild pivot foot shift move. I am now more excited about KGB's impending response than any of the basketball games.

3:09pm: Villanova hits a dagger of a three-pointer to take the lead for the first time in the second half. Predictably, American responds with an out of control drive down the lane that is easily blocked, followed by an easy layup for Villanova in transition. CBS displays a graphic on TV indicating that Villanova is on an 11-0 run. I decide to take my Coors Light to a different television.

3:11pm: I reach the bottom fourth of my beer. Still no word from KGB. I begin to worry.

3:12pm: WTF? The Michigan/Clemson game comes back from commercial and Clemson has apparently cut the lead to 58-52 with 3 minutes to play. I joke to myself that Michigan is pulling a KGB. I laugh.

3:14pm: I glance back at the other TV and watch American player Garrison Carr hit the biggest shot of his life: an off-balance runner in the lane between three Villanova players to cut the lead to 63-57. I wonder if American can pull off a miracle.

3:15pm: A Clemson player hits an insane double pump, falling away, arm fully extended reverse layup to cut the lead to 58-54. I begin to drink faster. I begin to think I may need to select a beer without text message assistance.

3:17pm: Down 58-55, Clemson employs a full court press and forces a turnover with 59.7 seconds to play. My palms begin to sweat and the amount of beer left in my glass is perilously low. I wonder how much longer I can wait for KGB.

3:18pm: The TV indicates that Texas has defeated Minnesota. I tell the bartender that it simply reaffirms my opinion that Minnesota coach Tubby Smith is only good at two things: Recruiting great players and choking in the NCAA tournament. She is visibly upset and says that she's from Minnesota. I make a mental note to give her a good tip.

3:20pm: Clemson scores. Michigan now leads 58-57. Michigan takes ten years off my life as they nearly turn the ball over 47 times getting the ball over halfcourt. A Michigan player makes a sensational layup, gets fouled and converts the three point play, giving them a 61-57 lead with 42 seconds to play. I savor a satisfying sip of Coors Light. It tastes like victory.

3:21pm: Clemson quickly scores an easy layup and cuts the Michigan lead to two with 30 seconds to play. I decide that I can't wait for KGB any longer. I order another Coors Light and pray the God of Hops keeps my mojo alive.

3:23pm: With Michigan leading 61-59, Michigan player Zack Novak takes the line to shoot two free throws. I contemplate whether to name my first born son after him if he makes them. I simultaneously wonder how I will break this news to my wife.

3:24pm: Zack Novack joins KGB on my shit list as he misses the first free throw. I begin plans to make a Zack Novack voodoo doll. Novack makes the second free throw. I decide to call it even.

3:25pm: Clemson misses a three pointer at the buzzer to seal the victory for the Wolverines. I take a big gulp of Coors Light and give thanks to the God of Hops. I consider naming my first born son Adolph Coors. I contemplate the repercussions of naming my future son Adolph. I decide against the idea.

3:26pm: With American down 63 to 74 to Villanova and Gonzaga assuming a 57-52 lead over Akron, I wonder whether it's time to get back to the office.

3:31pm: Akron turns the ball over, which leads to an easy Gonzaga score and a 61-52 lead with 6:55 to play. My mind begins to wander. I wonder why Akron's nickname is 'The Zips'. I wonder what a Zip is. I wonder who came up with the name and why they thought it was a good idea. I wonder whether a school named the Zips can ever truly succeed at sports.

3:32pm: I decide that qualifying for the NCAA tournament should likely be considered a rousing success if your nickname is the Zips. I realize it's time to get back to work.

3:34pm: A Bud Light commercial comes on TV. As a display of my new found devotion to all things Coors, I take this as a signal to leave. I ask the bartender for the check.

3:35pm: An Akron player misses a shot. Gonzaga gets the rebound and hits a quick three pointer to take a 67-53 lead with 5:30 to play. The bartender swears at the TV. I remember that she's had a hard day and leave her a nice tip.

3:39pm: As I'm driving back to work, I receive a text message from KGB that says, "Try the Hawaiian Fire Rock! That sounds yummy!"

3:40pm: I cancel my KGB membership.

All in all, I watched one great game, one potential historic upset that fell comically and tragically short, gained a newfound adoration for all things Coors, rekindled my love affair with the Michigan Wolverines, learned that text messaging question answering services still have a long way to go and, best of all, went 15 of 16 in my first day picks and sit alone in first place in The Jimmy. I think I see another trip to The Shack in my future...

(For clarification's sake and any potential HR ramifications, I would like to state for the record that I did not consume any alcoholic beverages during work hours. Any references to alcohol are included solely for humor's sake.)

Return of the Jimmy - 2009

Aloha Friends and JBors,

The JBorhood March Madness Extravaganza (aka the J.M.M.E or "The Jimmy", as we few, we happy few, like to call it) is back! It's your chance to prove, once and for all (for the third year in a row), that pluck, verve, and luck, will triumph over knowledge, experience, an understanding of the basic rules of basketball, extrodinary good looks, and an amazing set of dimples every time.

As always, the winner wins the right to select the topic for a JBorhood article.

So stop sitting back, stop relaxing, and get off your lazy behind and fill out your bracket.

You can access the madness here: http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/register/joinprivategroup_assign_team?GID=147075&P=jborhood

The password is: jborhood

FYI: After signing up, YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT YOUR BRACKET. Yes, Dad, your ENTIRE bracket. Yahoo does a lot of things, but it's still lagging behind on the technological adoption of telepathic computer systems.

If you have any questions, email me at jborhood@gmail.com. Otherwise, LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!!!

World Baseball. It's Classic!

I started the JBorhood to accomplish three goals:

1. To clearly, rationally, and intelligently translate the idiosyncrasies of the sports world and explain their relevance to everyday life.
2. To highlight and poke fun at the natural absurdities of an industry that provides millions of dollars and unrelenting exposure to immature, self aggrandizing narcissists.
3. To get laid more than a tourist at a luau.

While I've successfully accomplished two of these goals, I have not spent nearly enough time clearly, rationally, and intelligently translating sports idiosyncrasies. (What, you thought I hadn't poked enough fun lately?) The sports world provides such a perfect venue for absurdity that it's easy to develop a myopic focus on the comic failings of athletes or, as loyal JBor Bootleg describes it, "shooting fish in a barrel". As cultured and erudite members of the JBorhood, you know that I strive to rise above the general morass of the blogosphere and would never degrade my intellectual integrity by shooting fish in a barrel. No, here in the JBorhood, we explode the barrel, torch the remains, and tastefully laugh as the charred remains slowly burn to the ground. Because it's important to be tasteful.

It's also important to provide an equal and adequate spotlight for the positive instances in sports, which is why I want to take a moment to highlight a truly spectacular event that kicks off this week:
The World Baseball Classic.

The World Baseball Classic is a 16 team international baseball tournament that occurs once every three years. It splits Major League Baseball's biggest stars and other international players into teams based on their country of origin and lets them fight it out for world baseball supremacy. It's essentially the World Cup of Baseball. And it rocks.

In order to get you as excited for the World Baseball Classic as I am, I came up with the Top 15 16 Reasons to Love the 2009 World Baseball Classic. (Much love to JBor Jewfunk for suggesting reason #16.)

16. It gives you a chance to cheer for Canada's Stubby Clap (no, really), who likely has the worst name in Baseball History.

15. It let's us watch a Domincan Republic Team where the second best shortstop in the world isn't even the best shortstop on his team. (Sorry Jose, but you're no Hanley.)

14. It provides an opportunity to hear American announcers butcher Japanese player's names. "Now stepping up to bat, Koh-suck-ee Fuck-u-Dome!"

13. It provides American viewers an uncensored glimpse into foreign sensibilities (e.g. The Chinese fans praying they will not be publically shamed when audibly cheering for a score).

12. It gives Albert Pujols another chance to suffer a career ending injury and stop haunting my dreams. (Author's Note: Albert Pujols has decided to pull-out of the WBC, solidifying his position as the new Brett Favre for Chicago sports fans.)

11. It features a Chinese Taipei team whose average height and weight is about 5' 3", 145, making it the first team we can confidently say is not using steroids.

10. It finally gives an overdue spotlight to the powerhouse Italian team, led by major league superstars Jason Grilli, Mark DiFelice, and Chris Denorfia. (If you haven't heard of them, that makes two of us.)

9. It offers the possibility that the United States and Canada will square off in the most Caucasian sporting event in the history of the world.

8. It opens the possibility for the Cuban team to forfeit the championship when half their team defects during the seventh inning stretch.

7. It gives another reason for Japanese and Korean people to hate each other. (In case you're not aware, Japanese and Koreans harbor a bitter hatred for one another. It's like the Israelis and Palestinians, only less violent, more self-righteous, and with an inability to admit that numerous aspects of their cultures bear a striking similarity.)

6. It gives us a chance to cheer on the Netherlands for a reason that doesn't involve their liberal stance on drugs or prostitution.

5. It let's us know that they play baseball in South Africa. No, really. http://web.worldbaseballclassic.com/rosters/index.jsp?team=rsa&season=2009

4. It finally provides conclusive proof that Andruw Jones is too fat to play baseball. If you can't crack the starting lineup of a Netherlands (Jones was born in Curacao, a Dutch territory, which counts as part of the Netherlands according to WBC rules.) team that includes world beaters like Bryan Engelhardt, Greg Halman, Gene Kingsale, Danny Rombley, and my personal favorite, Dirk Van Klooster, I think it's safe to say that you're too fat to play baseball.

3. It provides Asians a chance to dominate an event that doesn't revolve around math, science, or eating hot dogs.

2. It gives us a chance to watch ARod fail in the clutch for another country. (How do you say "choke" in spanish?) (Author's Note: Comically, ARod buckeled under the pre-tournament pressure and suffered a hip injury that will prevent him from choking...err, playing in the WBC.)

1. And, finally, it gives Cubs fans the opportunity to cheer for a team that might actually win something.

Play Ball!