It’s been approximately 364 days since my last Mint Julep, which is a borderline tragedy and I’m not going to take it anymore.
I hereby declare that the Mint Julep shall be associated with the following events to ensure that they are consumed on a regular basis:
- The French Open – What better way to toughen up the French image than associating it with a rugged, manly beverage?
- The Daytona 500 – Because the only people at the Daytona 500 not drunk on whiskey are the drivers...or so we like to hope.
- Pandemic Outbreaks – All this Swine flu talk makes me want to drink.
- Tuesdays – I think this speaks for itself.
In order to tide you over until the impending Julep renaissance, allow me to present my rankings for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, pole position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.
20. Mine That Bird (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 8)
19. Summer Bird (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 17)
The only thing these horses will compete for on Saturday is which one of them has a worse bird themed name.
18. Join in the Dance (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 9)
One part hippie unity + One part ‘Lord of the Dance’ = A complete mess
17. West Side Bernie (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 1)
Can we all agree that no one, under any circumstances, should ever be named Bernie? I’m pretty sure “naming someone Bernie” is right next to waterboarding on the Bush Administration’s list of approved torture methods.
16. Advice (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 4)
You want some advice? Don’t bet on this horse.
15. Chocolate Candy (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 11)
I know that “Big Brown” won the Derby last year, but I still can’t get excited about a horse named after a bowel movement…
14. Nowhere to Hide (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 18)
I think we can all agree that it’s never good when a horse’s description begins with “the colt isn't very accomplished or fast”.
13. Hold Me Back (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 5)
Why would you name a race horse “Hold Me Back”? It’s like naming a boat “Crash Me in to the Reef”.
12. Mr. Hot Stuff (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 3)
I find it difficult to get too excited about a horse with a name that is more befitting of an over the hill male stripper.
11. Flying Private (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 20)
If only they’d added an ‘s’ to his name…
10. Papa Clem (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 7)
Papa Clem sounds like someone I want to kick back and drink Mint Juleps with on the stoop. Papa Clem does NOT sound like a horse I want to bet on.
9. Atomic Rain (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 14)
Atomic Rain is small.
Atomic Rain is slow.
Atomic Rain has only won one race and it was only half as long as the Derby.
But dammit, Atomic Rain is the best horse name I’ve heard in my entire life.
8. Friesan Fire (Odds: 5-1, Pole Position: 6)
Friesan Fire is the anti-Atomic Rain.
Great endurance, great speed, great pedigree, but “Friesan Fire” is an unintentionally dyslexic nightmare.
7. Desert Party (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 19)
I got nothing. I just like to party.
6. Musket Man (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 2)
He lacks the elite speed needed to consider him a favorite, but he’s won five of his last seven races and starts with a great pole position. Plus, he’s named after an old bad ass gun, man.
5. General Quarters (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 12)
Approximately one fourth as good as General Dollars.
4. Pioneerof the Nile (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 16)
No, that is not a typo. There is no space between the ‘Pioneer’ and the ‘of’ in Pioneerof’s name, and it drives me crazy.
Someone thinks they’re really clever. I think they should be punched in the face.
3. Regal Ransom (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 10)
A tailor made great horse name: An element of class, blended with a hint of edginess, polished off with a sexy alliteration. (Plus, he’s SO DARN CUTE!!!!)
2. Dunkirk (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 15)
Dunkirk has all the elements of a Derby winner and his only loss was to pre-derby favorite Quality Road, who had to pull out of the Derby with a cracked hoof. Now that Quality Road is out of the Derby field, the only thing that stands between Dunkirk and roses is a name that would be more appropriate for a luggage company.
1. I Want Revenge (Odds: 3-1, Pole Position: 13)
Incredible speed + Great Pedigree + Solid Pole Position + A name that suggests the horse will shiv anyone that tries to pass him = Automatic JBorhood Favorite
Before I sign off, I want to dedicate this year’s article to last year’s runner up, Eight Belles who was euthanized after breaking both front ankles shortly after crossing the finish line.
You might be gone, but I haven’t forgotten you. Sweet dreams, princess.