Immanent Delivery

Aloha Friends and JBors,

I'm expecting my first child this Sunday and am working on an article that waxes poetic on the constant hilarity of my experiences throughout pregnancy. Much like my baby, the article's delivery is immanent...

Good night, sweet princess

[Author's note: This article is not intended to be funny or witty or entertain in any way. I am not attempting to grandstand or make any point, nor do I wish to make light of any of the events that occurred in last Saturday's Kentucky Derby. I am simply crushed following the death of Eight Belles.]

I am heartbroken.

I selected Eight Belles, a 20-1 underdog, as my pick to win last Saturday's Kentucky Derby, because she was a filly and recently, my family has become overrun by women (my wife, my dog, and my unborn daughter outnumber me 3 to 1). Nothing about her previous record or comments in the media led me to believe that she had a shot to win, however, the nearing prospect of fatherhood imparted me with a sentimental attachment to the only girl in the race. She was tiny, compared to the other muscular colts in the race, but she was a beautiful little girl and I followed my heart.

Tragically, after running the race of her life and finishing in second place, she suffered two broken ankles and had to be euthanized on the track. I am devastated and sad and without words to sum up my feelings.

I do not feel like writing an article this week. I just want to dedicate this space to the memory of a true fighter and one hell of a woman. Good bye, Eight Belles. I'm proud of you and can only hope to raise a little girl as strong, determined and impressive as you.

Good night, sweet princess.

First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza!

May is the time for horses, hats and whiskey, the key ingredients of a Clint Eastwood movie, my annual fishing trip with Ennis Del Mar and...

THE KENTUCKY DERBY!

Not that I need an excuse to sit on the couch, wear a funny hat and drink Mint Juleps in the afternoon (Wednesday is whiskey day, right?), but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. (I'd say no pun intended, but you wouldn't believe me and it wouldn't be true.) It's time to fire up a batch of mint syrup, dust off my trusty bowler and enjoy the most exciting two minutes in sports.

While I cannot send each one of you a virtual mint julep -- do you really want to drink something that comes out of your mouse? -- I can help you sort out the crowded Derby field, JBorhood style. My rankings involved a complex formula that took into account odds, pole position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

(Sorry. The more research I do, the less juleps I get to drink.)

20. Big Truck (Odds: 50-1, Pole Position: 7)

Big Truck is a fabulous nickname for an offensive lineman, not so much for a race horse. I see little finish for Big Truck.

19. Cowboy Cal (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 17)

Cowboy Cal sounds like the name of an obnoxious character on a children's TV program. ("Hi, everbody! I'm rootin' tootin' Cowboy Cal!") Sorry Cal, you're a long way from the Rodeo.

18. Adriano (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 15)

I have a pet peeve with people who name thier animals with people names. Sure, some names like Max work equally well for humans and animals alike, but for the most part, it just sounds weird giving commands to a dog named Frank.

Frank, sit. Frank, stay. Frank, don't poop in my new pair of shoes. See? Weird.

The only saving grace of this name, is that it's four syllables long, so it rolls of the tongue. In fact, if you say it like you're Antonio Banderas, it almost sounds cool.

17. Denis of Cork (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 16)

Double whammy. Not only did they give their horse a people name, they added a pretentious title to the end like some obnoxious pomeranian owner.

"I'd like you to meet Lord Chesterfield of Barkville."

If I ever get a Rottweiler, I'm going to name it Sir Rotty of EatsYourSillyLittleDogVille.

16. Cool Coal Man (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 1)

Perhaps the most disappointing of all the horses names, considering that this Colt's dad has an incredible name: Mineshaft. It sounds cool, it rolls off the tongue and has a veiled sexual reference. Perfect. Cool Coal Man, on the other hand, sounds like the nickname of an aging NBA veteran with bad knees, ugly custody battle and a heroin addiction. Not so good.

15. Recapturetheglory (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 18)

Orlearnthelocationofyourspacebar

14. Tale of Ekati (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 2)

13. Anak Nakal (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 3)

I Googled the name "Tale of Ekati" and discovered that it is an epic Arabian poem about the Persian prince, Anak Nakal.

(This isn't true, but it sounds like it should be, right?)

12. Monba (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 14)

Something tells me that Monba is going to loseba.

11. Z Humor (Odds: 30-1, Pole Position: 11)
10. Z Fortune (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 6)

Zeedle Dee and Zeedle Dumb.

9. Bob Black Jack (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 13)

Now, why did they stick a perfectly good name like "Black Jack" and ruin it by sticking "Bob" on the front? Do you think that Seabiscuit would have won the Triple Crown if he was named Sebastian Seabiscuit? I rest my case.

8. Visionaire (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 8)

I love the way this name rolls of your tonugue. Say it out loud right now. Come on, say it. Don't question me asshole, just do it! See, sounds pretty good.

7. Court Vision (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 4)

Nothing to say. I'm just a sucker for sports related names.

6. Big Brown (Odds: 3-1, Pole Position: 20)

Most experts say that Big Brown is the horse to beat. He's won every race he entered by large margins and has an uncommon blend of speed and endurance, which is important for a long race like the Kentucky Derby. Unfortunately, he got stuck on the far outside with Pole Position 20 and is named after a bowel movement.

5. Gayego (Odds: 15-1, Pole Position: 19)

I'm so glad that went with Gayego instead of their original choices, Gayeslow, Gayestop and Gayedoesn'trunveryfast.

4. Smooth Air (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 12)

If I just ranked the names, I'd put Smooth Air in first. Simply a fantastic name. I'm rooting for him to win, just so I can hear Brent Musburger scream "Smooth Air is coming strong up the outside. Smooth Air is making his move. Smooth Air! SMOOTH AIR! SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!". (On second though, that's a little creepy.)

3. Colonel John (Odds: 4-1, Pole Position: 10)

Heading into the Derby, Colonel John looks like the prohibitive favorite. He's fast, has the endurance to sustain for the full mile and quarter, finished first or second in all of his six race and has great starting position. I want to pick him, but I can't help but think of Kentucky Fried Chicken when I hear his name.

2. Pyro (Odds: 6-1, Pole Position: 9)

Pyro is my sleeper pick to upset favorites Big Brown and Colonel John. He had won every race he entered until a startling 10th place finish in his Derby tune up. The catch? That race was on polytrack, a synthetic surface, which Pyro had never run on before. I think Pyro returns to form as he returns to dirt. Dare I say, he sets the Derby on fire. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

1. Eight Belles (Odds: 20-1, Pole Position: 5)

What can I say, I'm a sucker for girls. Between my wife, my dog and my soon-to-be-turning-my-universe-upside-down daughter, my world is overrun by girls, so why fight it? This filly has never raced against the gentleman before, but I've learned to never underestimate girls in my life.

Now, if you excuse me, I need to go drink a julep before I end up with any more girls in my life.