A Midseason Night's Dream

Or, as I affectionately refer to it, the "Oh crap, between my trip to visit my brother, the end of March Madness, the culmination of The Jimmy and the birth of my child, we're already at the All-Star Break and I haven't written anything about the 2008 Major League Baseball season" Prognostication Extravaganza! 2008!

I dropped the ball a little.

Ok, I dropped the ball a lot.

I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.

So, mea culpa - mea culpa - mea maxima culpa, I promise you nothing but hardcore porn…err, writing from here on out. Not exactly lurid and only mildly sensational, but you can always count on the "naked" truth (and between you and me, that's as naked as we all want me to get).

Now, before I take this pornography joke one step too far, let's recap what's happened so far:

A reformed crackhead – Josh Hamilton – leads the race for America League MVP.

A team that previously toiled in baseball purgatory – Tampa Bay Devil Rays – renounced Satan (It's just the Rays, now) and rose to the top of the American League East.

Jason Giambi turned into Ron Jeremy and revitalized his career. (If you haven't seen his 70's porn star mustache or read about his gold thong, do yourself a favor and check this out: Jason "Ron Jeremy" Giambi; Jason Giambi's Magic Gold Thong)

A guy with a horribly unfortunate last name – Justin Duchscherer (yes, it's pronounced like you think it is) – is leading the Major Leagues in ERA and has more wins (10) then Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, and Greg Maddux. Combined.

Pat Burrell, Dan Uggla, Carlos Quentin, and Ryan Ludwick (don't worry, I don't know who they are either) all have more home runs and RBI then Alex Rodriguez.
(A quick aside: I had an internal debate with whether to say "more RBI" or "more RBIs". Technically, "more RBI" is correct since RBI stand for "runs batted in", unfortunately, it makes me sound like a pretentious Duchscherer. I finally decided that I needed to stay true to my roots as a pretentious wanker and went with the Duchschy option.)

Finally, Hell's inhabitants browsed the winter collection at JC Penny (the only department store who offers shipping to the underworld) and large numbers of North American swine reviewed their pilot manuals as the Chicago Cubs surged to the best record in baseball.

(Seriously, I stop writing about baseball for three months and the league goes crazy. I feel like baseball decided to punish me for my absence.)

Instead of trying to recount the absolutely absurdity of the aforementioned aberrations, I want to take the opportunity (no matter how late or, frankly, ridiculous), to offer my original 2008 Major League Baseball Prognostications. In order to prove that my predictions are indeed my original predictions, which I made before the season, I decided to include my revised, midseason predictions to illustrate, once again, how foolish I am. (Yes, I am well aware that I need very little help in this regard.)

WARNING: The following section contains actual sports information and analysis. I know, very rare around these parts, but the JBorhood is a sports periodical after all.

(That's right: A periodical. The JBorhood is NOT a blog. Blogs are what 14-year-old girls use to talk about the way their latest pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans makes them feel about global warming. The JBorhood, on the other hand, is an in-depth, erudite sports periodical, a weekly sampling of sports sustenance, if you will. The JBorhood is to sports blogs, like pancetta is to bacon. See, I told you I'm a pretentious wanker…)

AL Playoff Predictions (Original)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels of the Greater Anaheim Area in Southern California of the Western United States (Seriously? You're from Anaheim. Get over it.)
AL Central Winner: Detroit Tigers
AL Wild Card Winner: Cleveland Indians

AL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels
AL Central Winner: Chicago White Sox
AL Wild Card Winner: Tampa Bay Rays

For those of you that picked the White Sox and/or the Devil Rays to make, nay, compete for the playoffs, all I can say is pass the bong. All the pre-season chatter this year centered around Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis and the new-look Tigers and whether or not Cleveland could take the next step. Flash forward to midseason and the White Sox and Twins lead the AL Central, while the Tigers languish in third with a sub .500 record and the Cleveland Indians discuss summer vacation plans and mojito recipes, having already given up on the season and traded their star pitcher. Meanwhile, the Yankees, A's and Rangers (Yes, you read that right: The Rangers.) are battling with the Twins and Rays for the Wild Card in, what I'm calling, the most boring playoff race in American League history.

I take a few months off and the Twins, Rays, A's and Rangers get good? What's next, the Cubs in first place?

I'm so glad you asked…

NL Playoff Predictions (Original)

NL East Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
NL West Winner: Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: New York Mets

NL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

NL East Winner: New York Mets
NL West Winner: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: Milwaukee Brewers

Not only are the Cubs in first place in their division, they have the best record in baseball. I feel like I need to pass the bong. As far as things that I never thought I'd say in the same sentence, "Cubs" and "best record in baseball" ranks up there with "JBorhood" and "tempered restraint" or "Battlefield Earth" and "Oscar winning performance". The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…

You know, maybe it's just that kind of year.

(Yes, I am going to convenient gloss over the fact that I changed all of my first half predictions, save my homer pick of the Cubs. Thanks for asking.)

AL Award Winners (Original)

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (Detroit)
AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera (Detroit)
AL Rookie of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury (Boston)

AL Award Winners (Revised)

AL Cy Young: Roy Halladay (Toronto)
AL MVP: Josh Hamilton (Texas)
AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay)

My pre-season picks look about as good as Detroit's postseason chances right now. Verlander decided to start the year off with an ERA of 6.60 in May, Miguel Cabrera decided to spend more time and Krispy Kreme then the ball park and Ellsbury, well, Ellsbury's been good (.340 OBP, 35 Stolen Bases), but Evan Longoria has taken the league by storm. Aside from a name that makes my wife giggle and makes you think of Tony Parker's wife more then a baseball player, Longoria has done nothing since he got called up to the big leagues. Nothing, that is, but hit. Even though he didn't get called up until mid-April, Longoria is tied for 14th in the AL in home runs, tied for 18th in RBI and 12th in slugging percentage (how hard you hit the ball, for you non-baseball fans who have bravely soldered on), confidently staking his claim as the preeminent Longoria whose name begins with Eva in the United States.

NL Award Winners (Original)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: David Wright (New York)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

NL Award Winners (Revised)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: Albert Pujols (St. Louis)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

Wait...Decent predictions from the JBorhood? Even a stopped clock is Wright twice a day.

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(Sorry, that joke is terrible. Even by my standards…)

Before I embarrass myself any further (if that's even possible), it's probably in everyone's best interest to just call it a day and get ready for the second half of the season and Rich Harden's impending visit with James Andrews...

See you next Friday!

My Triumphant Return

Forget the Jordanesque comeback.

No more hints.

No more mystery.

No more innuendo.

The JBorhood is back and I'm coming out swinging, so sit back, relax, grab a hat and hold the hell on to it.

It's go time.

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Did you know the Tour De France was going on?

Neither did I.

Now that you know, do you care?

Yeah, same here.

For more info: (read more)

Rich Harden is Canadian for Mark Prior

In a move that can only be described as utterly Cub, the Cubs acquired disabled list MVP Rich Harden. When he's healthy, he might be the best starter in baseball. The caveat of course being that Rich Harden is to disabled lists as the JBorhood is to obscure, alliterative, run on sentences. Maybe the Cubs figured they'd would recapture the magic of 2003 and ride the arm of a fragile talented starter to a crushing Division Championship loss. Maybe the Chicago Tribune -- who owns the Cubs -- wanted to increase revenue by creating a lottery to guess the date Harden suffers a season ending injury (Count me in for July 31). Regardless, the Cubs championship hopes once again hinge on the right arm of an injury prone mercurial talent.

Shoot me now.

(In a related story, the stock price of Jack Daniels jumped over 50% as Cubs fans prepared for the impending post season disaster.)

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OMG! Brett Favre 2 Return? LMAO!

I'm going to completely sidestep the discussion of whether or not Brett Favre will return, or whether or not he should return, or what team he will play for, or what kind of syrup he likes on his blueberry pancakes. (Usually maple, but he does enjoy coconut from time to time.)

My favorite subplot from the Great Brett Favre Retirement Saga 2008?

He notified the Packers General Manager, Ted Thompson, that he was thinking of returning by text message. But it doesn't stop there. Thompson refused to return Favre's text message because he was on vacation! To make matters worse, ESPN reported the story like the invasion of Normandy...

(Allow me to liberally paraphrase)

ESPN Reporter: We have just received word that Brett Favre sent a "text message" (yes, he did make the quote symbols. Ok, maybe he didn't but isn't it funnier that way?) to Packers GM Ted Thompson that a friend of a roommate of a girl who sat next to Favre's brother in Crockery Class said might intonate that Favre is thinking about possibly, discussing the idea of potentially, starting the proceedings of making a comeback.

Sportscenter Host: OMG. For realz?

ESPN Reporter: For realz.

Sportscenter Host: No way.

ESPN Reporter: Way.

Sportscenter Host: TTFN.

ESPN Reporter: SICBTFMTRTDS. TFSBSSBISMOF. (Seriously, I can't believe they forced me to report this degrading story. The football season better start soon before I set myself on fire.)

For more info: (read more)

Country goes to Hell, Senate shops for handbasket

The JBorhood is not, nor will ever be a venue for political grandstanding. People have incredibly strong, deeply rooted opinions about politics and any discussion on the topic generally leads to rhetoric, name calling, hurt feelings and circuitous debate. Furthermore, I'm too liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends, so regardless of the issue, I usually just upset everyone.

That said, when something happens in our country that is against the best interests of every citizen of the country, I think it warrants discussion. On Wednesday, Congress approved a bill that grants retroactive immunity to the Telecom companies and President Bush for their illegal wiretapping after 9/11. (Click on the link to see which of your Senators voted for and against the bill.)

I can hear the arguments now...

Congratulations, America. Your rights have just been sold to the highest bidder. I hope Congress enjoys their thirty pieces of silver.

(Ok, I'm done now. It won't happen again. I promise.)

For more info: (read more)

Matt Jones two prostitutes short of a felony, three short of a Keith Richards Saturday night

Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones was arrested in his college hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas for possession of SIX GRAMS OF COCAINE, which is six times the limit for "intent to distribute" (i.e. - holy hell, if you have that much cocaine you're either a drug dealer or front man for Motley Crue). All of you University of Hawaii fans, surely remember that Jones is the receiver who beat out former UH wideout Chad Owens for the final spot on the Jaguars roster. I fully intended to expound on the hilarity of a backup, washed up, former first round draft pick wide receiver carrying around enough drugs to successfully proposition an elephant, but I had too much fun coming up with funny headlines for the story:

Jones justifies behavior, says he wanted to start acting like a star receiver

Jones puts the bust in busted

Jones said he wanted to make sure he had enough for everyone in Fayetteville

(And last, but not least, for all you Hawaii fans who remember that Jones is the receiver who beat out former UH star Chad Owens for the final spot on the UH roster...)

Somewhere, Chad Owens is laughing

For more info: (read more)

Walmart's new logo looks like a...

No comment.

For more info: (read more)

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With that, dear friends and JBors, I must bid you adieu. See you next week for more fun, flippancy and frivolity, but hopefully, no Favre.

Ciao, J