A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball

What I want to do on Monday night at 11 pm generally starts and ends with my couch, polishing off a second bottle of Tempranillo – almost as fun to say as it is to drink – and discussing the glorious, unintentional comedy of the latest episode of Scream Queens on VH1 with the Editor-in-Chief. (That’s right. I watch Scream Queens. Religiously. In fact, I also watch Rock of Love Charm School and, most shamefully, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF on a weekly basis. What can I say? I’m a sucker for bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations. Moving on…). What this list does not include is attending a UH Basketball game.

Yet, there I was, walking into the Stan Sheriff Center on Monday night along with a motley crew of college students, drunks, stoners, and the unemployed to support a 0-2 Rainbow basketball team in a game scheduled to end sometime after last call at Femme Nu. Call me crazy, but I’m of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club. But I digress…

Upon entering the Arena, I met up with a few friends and headed for the concession stands to partake in one of the finer aspects of UH Basketball games: $7.50, 32 ounce beers and Gordon Biersch garlic fries. As we circled the Arena, we noticed a troubling development:

No beer. No garlic fries.

I understand that late night driving and 32 ounce beers probably don’t mesh well, however, college basketball without an embarrassingly large malt beverage is positively un-American. I started to go through the five stages of grief.

Denial – This can’t be happening. There must be beer here somewhere.

Anger – Why didn’t they announce they weren’t serving beer? This is ridiculous!

Bargaining – I wonder if I could pay someone to open up the beer garden…

Depression – This game is going to suck, maybe we should just go home.

Acceptance - … (Let’s just say that some things are beyond acceptance.)

As I struggled to figure out a way to distill Coca-Cola into a liquor, I heard the words every sports fan dreams about…

Anna Kournikova is in your hot-tub?

Even better. Well, not better, but slightly more realistic.

The Cubs won the World Series?

I said realistic.

[Your Name], please come to the front of the Arena to claim your prize?

Bingo.

When I finally arrived, out of breath, at the front of the Arena, an usher informed me that I had won four courtside seats to the game. That’s right, four courtside seats to the nationally televised game. Not only did my buddies and I have front row seats to an amazing basketball game – UH won in an overtime thriller – we showed up on ESPN. As I attempted to call everyone I thought wouldn’t terminate our friendship for waking them up, I received the coolest text message ever from my wife midway through the first quarter:

Did you just catch a ball? I think I saw you!

I always dreamed about appearing on ESPN. I never thought it would happen quite like that.

(The best place to see me is at the :20 mark. I’m the devastatingly handsome guy sitting behind the Bank of Hawaii sign wearing a green and white striped shirt. Make sure to watch the video in High Quality, otherwise you can’t tell if it’s me or a splotch of vomit on the camera lens. God bless You Tube.)



It’s one thing to watch a basketball game on TV.

It’s another thing to watch a basketball game live.

It’s a completely different experience altogether to watch a basketball game courtside. On TV, the players look big. In person, they look huge. Courtside? Downright terrifying.

Nothing makes you feel quite as small as a 6’ 7”, 235 pound man diving out of bounds and crashing into a table right in front of you. I’m 90% sure that I could wear Brandon Adams’s shoe as a hat.

It was truly an amazing experience and it reminded me about all the reasons why I love college basketball. It also reminded me that UH has a long way to go before it can join the ranks of the elite college basketball programs in the country. But there is hope. Not long ago crowds routinely filled the Stan Sheriff Center and you got a sense of that passion on Monday night.

After attending the game, I have a renewed faith that we can rekindle the magic of UH Basketball and get the crowds to return. We just need to make a few adjustments.

Remember That We Wear Green and White

Forget “White Out” night.

I don’t want to hear about “Green Out” night.

Don’t even get me started about “Black Out” night. (It’s a basketball game, not a wake.)

Without being prompted, UH fans should attend games wearing some combination of green and white. Not black, not blue, not their favorite Tommy Bahama Aloha shirt. Green and white.

If you watch any of the approximately 9,632 basketball games on ESPN every Saturday, you’ll notice that the fans all wear the same color or colors. You’ll also notice, not coincidentally, that the team wears the same color.

It’s not complicated.

The UH Basketball team wears green and white. You wear green and white. Ok? Do you really need a marketing department to help you pick out a matching color scheme?

Once we get everyone wearing green and white, we can work on getting them to keep standing after tip-off until the team scores. Baby steps.

Increase Student Attendance

Even though only 2000 people showed up for the game, the crowd was loud, cheered constantly, and maintained a great energy from tip-off to the end of overtime. A typical UH game is about as lively as a Kenny G concert and Monday’s game was more like a Miley Cyrus show. Not quite the AC/DC atmosphere we need, but a step in the right direction.

The improved atmosphere was largely due to the increased number of students that attended the game. Usually, the student section consists of about 30 kids sequestered under the visitor’s basket. On Monday, there were well over 200 students at the game and, due to the open seating format, they were spread out all over the arena. They were loud, they were rowdy, and they gave the Rainbows a noticeable boost.

In order to truly grow the program and foster the high energy college atmosphere that makes college basketball so special, UH needs to do everything in its power to make games more accessible to students. I understand this is a complex issue that includes a the construction of new dorms, vast improvements of on-campus life, and the transition from a commuter school to one with a full fledged dorm life, however, if we ever want UH games to be more than a glorified tea party, the students need to lead the way.

Get Students Closer to the Floor

I know that season ticket holders already occupy the seats.

I know that it means less money for the University up front. (I’d argue that making games more exciting and accessible for students builds a more loyal fan base, more likely to donate to the program in the future, but that’s an argument for another day.)

But there’s no substitute for loud, crazy students, sitting courtside at a college basketball game. Every large college basketball program in the country includes a large student section next to the court. Not sequestered under a basket somewhere, or hidden in the bleachers. Front and center.

UH needs to move all the current season ticket holders from the section directly across from the visitor’s bench, block out the entire section for students, and give the prior season ticket holders first priority for new season tickets. They might complain about being moved at first, but they’ll come around the first time they watch an opposing player break down in tears after the students ride them for an entire game.

Which leads me to my next point…

Improve Heckling

For the last time, yelling “You F***ing Suck!” does not constitute heckling.

It’s not witty, it’s not funny and, most importantly, it doesn’t psyche out the other team. The whole point of heckling is to get into the other team’s head and swearing at them like every other drunk loser they hear night in, night out isn’t going to get it done.

You have to remember, they’ve been playing 40 games a year since they were in high school. They’ve heard almost every conceivable heckle in the book. Many of them far more witty and original then anything you’re going to say. The only way to get under their skin is to catch them off guard. Hit them with something humorous and original.

Heckling is a lot like Marketing. Anyone can do it, and a little creativity goes a long way, but true success requires extensive research. Each week the Manoa Maniacs need to create a heckler cheat sheet and pass them out at the games. These should include each opposing players name, basic facts about them, as well as any embarrassing facts they dug up on the internet. Player A danced ballet in high school. Player B was arrested for marijuana possession. Player C was caught with his pants down in the company of a sheep. You get the picture.

UH fans need to embrace heckling as a true art form. They’re college students. It’s not like they have better things to do then sit up late at night, drink 40s and research the best way to make opposing players cry.

Someone make this happen.

Always Server Beer

I’ll give you a free pass for Monday. Just don’t ever let that happen again, ok?

I’m confident that if UH makes the aforementioned changes, UH Basketball can once again sell out the Stan Sheriff Center and take their program to the next level. But, if all else fails, never underestimate the power of bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations.

I’m just saying…

Strange things are afoot at the Circle J

[Author’s Note: Due to some necessary administrative upgrades with the JBorhood, brief political reflections and a musical side project (all explained below), this week’s article has nothing to do with sports. For those of you looking for my thoughts on the BCS, MLB Awards and the start of the College Basketball season, feel free to email me at JBorhood@gmail.com. Otherwise, enjoy this week’s brief respite and we’ll resume regular programming next week.]

Strange things are afoot at the Circle J.

I’m updating the site layout, adding the ability to view the site from www.jborhood.com instead of restricting access via the simple, yet Spartan jborhood.com, adding regular updates from Twitter (see the new section on the sidebar), and revamping the comment and email systems. So, I apologize for the seemingly sporadic updates and the cessation of a steady stream of sporting sustenance (not to mention an abatement of absurd and abundant alliteration), but I want you to know that I won’t make you wait in vain.

Change is coming.

On that note, I want to take a brief moment and discuss two important issues concerning the events of last week before we let our hair down, pop open our 40’s and kick-it old school.

#1) Stop saying “Yes We Did”.

We didn’t do anything last week. We simply stated that we want something done. It’s our job to remain as engaged over the next four years as we’ve been over the last four weeks and hold our elected officials accountable for their lofty promises. Until we turn our positive momentum into positive action, the message remains “Yes We Can.”

#2) Can’t we all just get along?

The saddest development of this political season, both nationally and locally, was the mounting bitterness and lack of understanding amongst voters. Whether the issue was who should be President or whether same sex couples should retain the right to marry in California, people made up their minds, drew a line in the sand, and berated anyone with a different opinion. Even the hippie loving, weed smoking, peace denizens here in Hawaii couldn’t discuss whether or not to build a train without coming to blows.

I fear that Americans have lost the ability to rationally discuss public policy and, frankly, that’s a much bigger issue then whether a Democrat or Republican should lead our country for the next four years.

If we can’t discuss our differences then how can we possibly find common ground?

[I just devoted 100 words in an online independent sports article to what I believe is one of the most pressing and difficult political issue of the modern era. That’s the baseball equivalent of the Cubs trying to win the World Series by mowing the grass at Wrigley. Oh well, to move a mountain you need to start by writing a blog entry or something like that, he mumbles while stepping off his soapbox…]

Now, who wants to talk about hip-hop?

This past weekend, while downing a bottle of Tempranillo with my buddy Sky, we broached the subject of the best 20 hip-hop songs of all time. (Because, really, don’t all conversations over a bottle of Spanish red wine eventually lead to hip-hop?) Unsurprisingly, after an hour of drunken discussion, we were no closer to narrowing down the list then when we started. We decided to table the debate, develop our lists independently and then compare notes.

After countless hours of listening to videos on YouTube, bumping hits in my car and listening to every hip-hop song on my iPod seventy five times (plus or minus seventy four), I compiled a list of the hottest, illest, sickest, and the most wicked hip-hop jams of all-times, guaranteed to blow the speakers right off your stereo.

What follows is that list.

Enjoy.

[Author’s Note: The following list contains explicit language, both in the descriptions of the songs and the corresponding videos. Not that you care, but just so you know…]

[Additional Author’s Note: As a rule, each artist can only appear in the list once. It was tough to narrow down the list of Vanilla Ice hits to just one, but I did my best…]

[Seriously? Another Author’s Note?:

1. I am White.
2. I do not have an encyclopedic knowledge of hip-hop.
3. Did I mention that I’m white?
]

#20. Benefit - So Sick

Who?

No, you’ve never heard of him, but that’s a crying shame. Benefit was a Napster sensation who gained notoriety with his song “Warp to World”, which discusses Mario’s quest to deflower Princess Toadstool. He never hit the big time (Really? The guy who rapped about Mario’s sexual conquests never went mainstream? How surprising…), but he did leave us with “So Sick”, one of the most unbelievably dense flows of all time.



#19. Ice Cube – Today Was A Good Day

It’s hard to rap slowly.

When you rap quickly you can cover up a forced rhyme or a bad line. When you rap slowly, the audience has time analyzes every phrase. (What does Ludacris really mean when he says he wants hos in different area codes?) Only a few rappers (Snoop Dogg, Too Short, Ice Cube) manage to pull it off, but when they do, it’s a thing of beauty.



#18. Black Star – Definition

I’ll let Mos Def and Talib Kweli say it for me:

1, 2, 3,
Mos Def and Talib Kweli
We came to rock it on to the tip- top
Best alliance in hip-hop, wai oh!



#17. The Grouch - Wish You a Good Day

The only thing that rivals the silky smooth lyrics of this song, is it’s ability pick you up when you’re feeling down. This song is like a lyrical hug. It’s the musical equivalent of a Tony Robbins book.

If you’re my mom, my brother my friend, my lover, my sister
I want to wish you a good day

Thanks, Grouch. I hope you have a pretty good day too.



#16. Souls of Mischief - '93 Til Infinity

When you listen to this song, keep in mind…

1. These kids are 18 years old


2. They have not yet graduated from High School


3. Tajai, the MC who does the intro, will eventually graduate from Stanford with a degree in Anthropology.

Who says there are no role models in hip-hop?



#15. Bustah Rhymes - Woo Ha (Got You All in Check)

Yes, it’s cheesy.

Yes, it’s poppy.

But, still, as soon as Buster drops the beat, there’s nothing you can do but nod your head.

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya…

(For the non-believers out there, I included the Instrumental version after the original video. I challenge you to listen to it and tell me that what Bustah does with a three note baseline and the child-like synthesizer overlay is anything short of miraculous. It’s like Tom Brady showing up to quarterback your High School football team. Insane.)

(Regular Version - Song starts at :38 mark)


(Instrumental Version)


#14. Cannibus - 2000 BC

If you’re angry at the world and looking for a track to play while you whip yourself into a fury, then look no further. Canibus verbally assaults the microphone with a stunning array of lyrical gymnastics and a loop that’s befitting of the end of days. If the four horsemen of the apocalypse ever descend on the Earth, this is the track they’ll play to announce their arrival.



#13. Tupac Shakur f. Dr Dre - California Love

The ubiquitous hip-hop anthem of the 90’s.

It’s unequivocally the greatest hip-hop video of all time and, if I was doing a list of the greatest or most influential hip-hop songs of all times, this would be a contender for the top spot. But the song has aged over time and lacks some of the depth and grit of more recent tracks. That said, I still get shivers every time Tupac takes the mic from Dr. Dre and throws down one of the most memorable flows of all time.

From Oakland and Sac-Town, the Bay Area and back down
Cali is where they put there mack down

It most certainly is.



#13. High and Mighty - Dirty Decibles

Don’t listen too closely.

Don’t dissect the lyrics.

Don’t consider how it contributed to hip-hop culture in America.

Just put your headphones on, turn your volume up, and enjoy.



#11. Dead Prez - Hip Hop

On one hand, this is one of the greatest beats of all time.

On the other hand, it’s a profound statement about the meaning and importance of real hip-hop culture.

Put it together and you have one of the greatest songs of all time and one that is just as poignant and banging today as it was in 2000.



#10. Pharoahe Monch- Simon Says

New York City gritty committee, pity the fool that
Act shitty, in the midst of the calm, the witty

Nuff said.



#9. Atmosphere – Scapegoat

As the video says, it begins with a creepy piano intro. But it doesn’t stop there. In fact, the creepy piano intro plays again, and again, and again, and again, until it lulls you into a state of uneasy complacency. Suddenly, Slug, Atmosphere’s sesquipedalian MC (Yeah, I said sesquipedalian. It’s a big word that means someone who uses big words. Could I be any more pretentious?), chimes in with a soft, steady stream of rhymes that hooks you in and doesn’t let you go for three and a half minutes. At the end, you’re shaken, impressed, and in dire need of a cigarette.



#8. Aesop Rock - The Yes and the Ya'll

It’s not a stretch or hyperbole of any kind to say that Aesop is the most verbose hip-hop lyricist of all time. In fact, it’s constrictive to even call him a MC. If anything, he’s a spoken word artist.

Some people rhyme words.

Others rhyme phrases.

Aesop rhymes volumes.

Sometimes his complicated flows distract from his songs and his beats aren’t always solid, but when he strikes the perfect balance between beat and lyrics, he strikes hard.

In this case, the yes is the yin to the ya’ll’s yang. (Say that ten time fast.)



#7. Wu Tang Clan - M.E.T.H.O.D. Man

So raw, so young, yet so timeless. If you want to understand Wu Tang, then look no further. I hadn’t listened to the song in five years and I could still rattle off…

From the slums of Shaolin, Wu Tang Clan strikes again
The Rza, the Gza, Old Dirty Bastard, Inspector Deck, Raekwon the Chef, UGod, Ghostface Killah and…



#6. Blackalicious – Deception

The beat, the lyrics, the message, the echo: All money.

Don’t let money change yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…



#5. Snoop Dogg – Who Am I? (What’s My Name?)

Snoop is the coolest muthafuckah on planet Earth and that is a scientific fact. Seriously, we could solve the educational problems in America by hiring Snoop to make educational videos. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t watch “Gangstah Grammah w/ Snoop”.

Only a punk ass would split his infinitives, biatch!

Someone please make this happen.



#4. Dr. Dre f Eminem - Forget About Dre

The greatest comeback song of all time.

If this song were an NBA comeback, it’d be Michael Jordan suiting up for the Bulls tomorrow, scoring 101 points to break Wilt’s scoring record and simultaneously dunking over Kobe and LeBron.

I was living in LA when the song was released and happened to be driving in my car, listening to Power 106 when they premiered it on the radio. I pulled off to the side of the road and sat speechless, with my mouth hanging open. After it ended, I drove straight home, found a copy of the song online and preceded to listen to it about 50 times in a row, calling everyone I knew to come down to my dorm room and listen. Let’s just say the ratio of beers to classes was precipitously high for the rest of the day.



#3. Hieroglyphics - At the Helm

To me it doesn’t matter how dope your write or look
MCs without a voice should write a book
- Dilated Peoples from “Guaranteed”

To me, no MC has a better voice (or more ridiculous name, for that matter) then Del the
Funky Homosapien and no song is that more on display then “At the Helm”, the greatest song from one of the greatest albums (Third Eye Vision) from one of the greatest groups (Hieroglyphics).

(I would like to dedicate that string of hyperbole to my little brother, who taught me that you can never have too much hyperbole, because that would be impossible.)



#2. Eminem – Without Me

Personally, I believe that Eminem could have been the greatest hip-hop lyricist of all time if he hadn’t gotten popular so quickly. I thought about including “Don’t Give a Fuck” here instead as a display of his raw ability and a reminder of what could have been.

But that didn’t happen.

He got wildly popular and developed a slightly poppy style. Even still, you can’t deny the fact that he’s one of the most talented artists of all time and put out an unbelievable number of amazing songs. Love it or hate it, “Without Me” represents the pinnacle of Eminem’s development as a pop hip-hop artist. As much as I want to turn my nose up at it, I’m too busy nodding my head.



#1. Jay-Z - 99 Problems

He’s got 99 problems, but getting to the top of my list of favorite hip-hop songs of all time for combining an unbelievable flow, poignant message, gritty style, and ridiculous beat that seems to get better over time aint one.