The Annual JBorhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2009

A few months ago, I had faith that our government could effectively deal with the Wall Street Credit Crisis, so I turned my attention elsewhere and rescued the country from the Sports Credit Crisis. Unfortunately, my faith in our elected officials was unwarranted. Our country is now in the middle of a full blown recession. Millions have lost their jobs. Those that still have jobs have taken severe pay cuts, had benefits stripped, and watched their retirement savings dwindle. The country needs a hero and I'm just the man for the job. I have a simple, elegant, effective, and realistic solution to calm the markets, quell unemployment, and restore order to our nation's economy:

More pornography.

(What? You expected me to say temporarily increase government spending on infrastructure improvements and green technology to create jobs, pass legislation to encourage consumer saving, add restrictions and a fraud clause to the bailout package, abolish COLA mileage restrictions on automobiles and increase the tax on gasoline to use free market forces to reduce emissions and aid the American Auto Industry, and reduce overall spending to lower the federal budget deficit and strengthen the dollar? I said realistic solution, not idealistic fairy tale.)

At first glance, pornography is a small, almost insignificant portion of the US Economy. It generates an estimated 3.9 billion dollars a year, which accounts for a scant .02 percent of the US GDP. However, you get an entirely different picture when you examine pornography as a percentage of Internet business.

Pornography is the silent engine of the US Internet Economy. Pornographic expenditures are one the ten biggest categories of Internet spending and four of the 50 most viewed Internet sites are related to pornography. All in all, one of every 200 dollars spent on the Internet is spent on adult entertainment.

What does this tell us?

In an anonymous setting, people are 25 times more likely to spend their money on pornography. Which makes sense. On the Internet, you don't have to worry about being watched, judged, or running into someone from work, obliging an awkward interchange:

"Oh hey, Joe. Is that Co-Ed Ass Masters 42? That's a really good series. I'm just here to pick up a vibrator and some tranny porn. By the way, did you finish your research on the market valuation for mid-priced condos?"

Probably not the sort of situation most people are looking for after a long day at the office.

The internet allows people to freely express themselves, unencumbered by societal pressures. And as the economy continues its current downward spiral, people need that freedom and release -- I'm thinking that, given the topic du jour, 'escape' might have been a safer word choice. -- more then ever. If we can break down the social constructs that hinder the efficiency of America's economic engine, we could quicken the recovery of our nation's economy.

For example, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend and had a conversation about economics with a budding young female entrepreneur named Diamond. Diamond is 22 years old, married, a mother of two, and lives in Chicago. She does not have a job back home, but she flies to Vegas two weekends a month for the "economic opportunities".

J: "You only work two weekends a month??!?!?"
Diamond: "Hell yeah. There's crazy money here in Vegas, honey."
J: "Define crazy money."
Diamond: "About two grand if it's slow. But I make six when it's poppin."
J: [Puts hand in front of mouth to prevent the most recent sip of Ketel soda with lime from spraying all over his newfound friend]
Diamond: "You gonna be alright, honey?"
J: "Just thinking about a career change."

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I thought about my conversation with Diamond. (Author's Note (to Wife): My CONVERSATION with Diamond. CONVERSATION. Don't look at me like that. You were there too!) I realized that we need to stand up for our basic economic freedoms. We need to stop submitting to unjust legislation that dominates enterprising business people like Diamond, forcing her to fly across the country for work. We need to inject our intellectual capital back into our communities. We need to stimulate local growth. (We, apparently, need to tone down our sexual metaphors.)

Our country is in the midst of conflict. Last year, the Lingerie Bowl, a revered Super Bowl tradition involving scantily clad women playing football, was canceled because the athletes were not wearing enough clothing. This year it was canceled because the fans were not wearing enough clothing. We remain a country divided.

But, hope is on the horizon. I'm bolstered by the fact that a woman is the Secretary of State. I'm even more proud that our country elected its first African American President. But if we can't celebrate and embrace a football game played by gorgeous women in lingerie, we've still got a long way to go.

Luckily, this dispute is about to be settled once and for all in the public arena. On Sunday, America will watch high-flying, new age, unrestrained freedom battle the bastions of historical conservatism in a winner take all match up.

In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.

This year, the JBorhood is proud to present The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.

The Arizona Cardinals are football pornography. Exciting. Fun. Flashy. Lurid. Scintillating. Titillating. Pure offensive football in its most sensational form.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, on the other hand, represent the old standard. Traditional. Careful. Stoic. Conservative. Careful. Plodding. Pure defensive football in its most rugged form.

Their match-up in Super Bowl XLIII (43 for those of you without a degree in Roman Numerology) is a contest between pure, unfettered, exhilarating social freedoms and the stodgy, conservative social norms.

New vs. Old
Offense vs. Defense
Risk vs. Certainty

So, don't let anyone tell you that "it's just a game" this Sunday. This time it means something. Knute Rockne famously implored his team to "Win one for the Gipper." This Sunday, I'm asking the Cardinals to win one for the zipper.

So, God bless the Cardinals; God bless freedom; God bless pornography; And God bless the United States of America.

---

Game Breakdown

The old adage says a good defense beats a good offense. This bodes well for the Steelers who have the league's best defense, perhaps one of the best defenses of all time. The Steelers have more overall talent than the Cardinals; The Steelers are a seven point favorite in Las Vegas; The vast majority of national pundits have picked the Steelers to win. In fact, nearly all rational measure and analysis suggests that the Steelers should win the Super Bowl. Decisively.

But then, all rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have made the playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Carolina Panthers in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game.

Anyone who claims to have picked Arizona to make it to the Super Bowl is either lying or Kurt Warner.

But when the Giants shocked the world and knocked off the undefeated Patriots last year, they turned the NFL upside down. Picking NFL games has devolved from a pseudo-science to a nonsensical game of chance. Monkeys throwing darts at a chalk board would have done better picking games this year than football professionals.

In the playoffs, underdogs went 6-4. Road teams went 5-5. Historically, the top two teams in each conference won approximately 75% of their opening round games. This year they lost 75% of their games. Whether a team is good is now far less important then whether a team is hot.

Which makes the Cardinals intriguing. Like last years Giants, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football going into the Super Bowl. They corrected their early season issues and played, far and away, their best football in the playoffs. They weren't the best team in football all season, but they're playing the best now.

Compounding that difficulty is that the teams match-up perfectly with one another.

The Steelers thrive on a confusing defense and blitzing scheme, designed to shut down the run and confuse the opposing Quarterback. The Cardinals rarely run the ball and have a veteran Quarterback who's as good as anyone in the game at reading defenses and identifying the open man.

The Cardinals defense is predicated on creating turnovers. The Steelers have a conservative rushing attack designed to protect the football.

The Steelers have one of the best coaching staffs in football that develops confusing offensive and defensive game plans designed to create match up problems for the opposition. The Cardinals head coach, Ken Wisenhunt, and offensive line coach, Russ Grimm, coached for the Steelers three years ago and have intimate knowledge of their schemes and personnel.

So where does this leave us?

Do we pick the team that should win, or the team that recent history warns us not to overlook?

Do we pick with our head or our heart?

Personally, I'm a numbers guy, a logic man, and my logic says the Steelers defense should do what they do best, bottle up the Cards and ride out a convincing victory in the second half. But then again, my logic picked the Seahawks, Bears and Patriots to win the last three Super Bowls, so what do I know?

Against my better judgment, and all relevant evidence, I'm picking Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals, and the continued growth of a liberal attitude towards pornography to rule the day.

Look out, America. Change, as they say, is coming.

[Author's Note: This article was the repayment of a bet I lost to fellow writer and good friend Mike Oppenheim of www.mikeyopp.com, whose writing I strongly encourage you to check out. When the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals I had to write an article on the topic of his choosing:

"The astounding amount of money made on the Internet by pornography, as compared to any other business, and how our US government is overlooking porn when looking for solutions to our economic meltdown."

I assure you, I would never voluntarily write about such a controversial topic.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll see you next week for more lurid sensationalism. Ciao!]

Best of the JBorhood 2008 - Part 2

Aloha Friends and JBors,

I fully intended to start a new tradition this week, holding the Annual JBorhood Year End Awards (affectionately referred to as 'The Hoodies') during the week between the NFL Conference Championship Games and the Super Bowl, however, over the weekend, I encountered a minor scheduling conflict. Of course, by minor what I mean is '4 day, 2700 mile', and by scheduling conflict what I mean is 'trip to Las Vegas'.

So, much to the dismay of my fan (Author's Note: No, that is not a typo. But, never fear, I plan on doubling my fan base by the end of year. Maybe even tripling it. Let's see ESPN top that!), The Hoodies are on hold while I get my [pick a term of your choice: Vegas, gamble, drink, club, debauchery, Cirque de Soleil, hang over, walking through the middle of the street drinking a 40, lap dance (just kidding, mom)] on.

So, sit back, relax, pray for my soul, and enjoy the second half of our look back at the Best of the JBorhood 2008.

---

(From My Triumphant Return - 7/11/2008)
In a move that can only be described as utterly Cub, the Cubs acquired disabled list MVP Rich Harden. When he's healthy, he might be the best starter in baseball. The caveat of course being that Rich Harden is to disabled lists as the JBorhood is to obscure, alliterative, run on sentences.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…


(From Paying Your Dues - 8/1/2008)
Being a worse quarterback then Brett Favre is a like being a worse porn star then Kobe Tai. You don't beat yourself up too much, because not many people can take a pounding, get you excited and bring opponents to their knees quite like Favre or Kobe. (I've written a lot of metaphors in JBorhood, but I assure you, that was, far and away, the most fun metaphor I've ever researched. I was tempted to provide a link to inform the readers who are not familiar with Kobe's "body" of work, but decided to take the high road. Trust me when I say that searching for "Kobe Tai" in Google will more then suffice. You just might not want to do it at work...)


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)


(From Matter of Perspective - 9/12/2008)
Michael Phelps had eight chances to win a medal, whereas Kobe Bryant only had one. Both athletes won 100% of their possible gold medals in dominating fashion. Am I supposed to discount Kobe because the Olympics doesn't recognize 1 on 1, 3 on 3, the dunk contest, the 3-point shooting contest, H-O-R-S-E, P-I-G, and quitting on your teammates in the NBA Finals as Olympic events? (Sorry, I had to go there.)


(From We Believe - 9/12/2008)
The Patriots claiming that no one believed in them is like WalMart claiming that no one believed they could outsell Old Ferguson's Corner Store or Michigan claiming that no one believed they could beat Appalachian State (oh...wait.)


(From A Thin Correlation Between Love and Hate - 9/19/2008)
WARNING: Reading the following article will make you an asshole. Not quite a just-finished-reading-Atlas-Shrugged asshole, more like a guy-at-the-office-who-explains-why-you-paid-too-much-for-your-new-car asshole. So, if you don't want your friends to hate you because of your new found proclivity for bloviating about statistical misconceptions, you may want to skip this week's article. Consider yourself warned. (Yeah, I just said bloviating. That just happened).


(From A Matter of Taste - 9/29/2008)
Stella Artois is the beer of choice for college aged yuppies with tapestries of Che Guevara on their walls who think their two week summer vacation to Europe made them hip and worldly (hint: it didn't). You can easily spot these assholes, because they're sporting a faux-hawk, Cuban dictator hat, hemp necklace, and a wooden peace bracelet and as soon as they enter a bar, they'll turn to their friends -- who, conveniently, are wearing the same pretentious loser uniform -- and say "Dude, they have STELLA!"


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

(From Strange things are afoot at the Circle J - 11/14/2008)
We could solve the educational problems in America by hiring Snoop to make educational videos. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch "Gangstah Grammah w/ Snoop". Only a punk ass would split his infinitives, biatch! Someone please make this happen.


(From A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball - 11/21/2008)
Call me crazy, but I'm of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club.


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports. (For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
I'm not sure what effect this had on the game, but between Andrew Manley and Rico Newman, Leilehua dominated Punahou in the number-of-players-whose-names-

sound-like-they-belong-to-a-porn-star category. I will respectfully refrain from making a joke about them being the only two Leilehua players to hook up for a score.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
Finally, my personal favorite stat: Punahou players hurdled more Leilehua defenders (2), than Leilehua players scored touchdowns (1). Yes, you read that right. Two Punahou players, Robby Toma and Dalton Hilliard, both of whom, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, will line up for UCLA next year, literally jumped over would-be tacklers. Un. Be. Lievable. You don't need to know much about football to understand that it's not a good sign when the opposing team treats you like a Track & Field prop more frequently than you put the ball in the end zone.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! Conference Championship Edition

So, um...my picks were bad last week. Really bad. Let's just say that I got three out of four (three out of four wrong, that is) and move along.

In order to distract you from my egregiously poor prognostication abilities, I've decided to roll out the longest article title in JBorhood history and a special two-for-the-price of one article special this week. Perfect for that extra long Saturday morning bathroom trip.

So sit down, drop trou, and, as always, enjoy!

(Click here to view my Wild Card and Divisional Round break down and picks)

---

I have a lot of shoes.

Not a note worthy handful but an egregious collection. An embarrassingly large assemblage of footwear. I don't mean a back of pair of brown dress shoes, I mean seven different options of foot coverage when visiting 24 Hour Fitness. I'm a modern day Imelda Marco, provided Imelda was tall, white, male and had more shoes.

My vast array of footwear allows me to select the perfect compliment to any outfit or situation -- word to the wise, never underestimate the power of a good pair of bathroom shoes -- however, since my wife and I moved into our new, relatively small apartment in preparation for the birth of our daughter, the issue of where to store said bevy of boots has caused a fair amount of friction.

I'm of the opinion that the entry way, the space under the sofa, the top of the television, the babies crib and the inside of the microwave are all perfectly reasonable places to store shoes. My wife, the illustrious Editor-in-Chief of the JBorhood, does not share this opinion.

In order to keep myself out of trouble, I started stashing shoes in the various drawers of our TV stand, which is conveniently located directly inside the front door. Relative harmony reigned for a few weeks until two days ago when my wife opened one of these handy drawers while searching for a workout video. After an animated and arguably humorous (or, more accurately, humorously argumentative) discussion about what items one might appropriately store in a TV stand, a brief discussion about how to divide our assets and a potential outline for custody and visitation rights, "we" came to the conclusion that storing footwear in a more "clothing appropriate" location would make life easier and happier for "all of us".

(Author's Note: Truth be told, my wife and I have an incredible relationship and agree on very nearly everything. We simply diverge on what constitutes a "clean" household: She believes its when items are put in a designated spot upon completion of usage. I believe its when you can't see the mess.)

The next morning, as I was heading out the door, I noticed that I'd left two pairs of jeans, which I picked up the day before after getting them hemmed, lying on the floor. (A huge shoe collection? Getting my jeans hemmed? This week's article is going to hell in a hand basket. For the record, I just burped, grabbed my crotch, downed a fifth of Jack Daniels and punched myself in the face.) Rather than leaving them in a heap on the floor, I decided to remove the mess by placing the jeans in the most convenient place available: the TV stand.

Needless to say, the following phone conversation took place later that day...

Editor-in-Chief: I'm impressed you found space for something besides shoes in the TV Stand.
Me: You should thank me for not leaving them on the floor.
Editor-in-Chief: That's like thanking you for putting dirty dishes in the refrigerator.
Me: I'm guessing this isn't the best time to suggest that you stick to the freezer today.
Editor-in-Chief: ...
Me: I'm kidding.
Editor-in-Chief: I'm checking anyway.

After verifying that I did not, in fact, place any dirty dishes in the refrigerator (thank God she never checked the microwave...), the Editor-in-Chief began to discuss her plans of starting a bonfire in our living room using my shoes and jeans as kindling when I caught her completely off guard with a rational explanation for my behavior. I explained that, I was late for work and on my way out the door when I noticed the jeans. I placed them in the TV stand to temporarily alleviate the mess, with the full intention of putting them in a (slightly) more rational location when I returned home.

Much to my surprise, she acknowledge that this made sense.

Ahhh, the beauty of context.

It's alright to put jeans in the TV stand, so long as you have a damn good reason for doing so.

Which, of course, brings us to Donovan McNabb.

In ten seasons in Philadelphia, Donovan McNabb has led the Eagles to seven playoff appearances, five conference championships, and a Super Bowl. He's been selected to five Pro Bowls, finished 2nd in MVP voting in 2000, won the NFC Offensive Player of the Year award in 2004, has a lifetime Quarterback rating of 85.9, a Touchdown to Interception ratio of 194 to 90, and never lost an opening round playoff game. Despite all these accomplishments, Donovan rarely gets the respect he deserves and is almost never mentioned among the best Quarterbacks in the league because of one thing he's never done: win a Super Bowl.

On the other hand, Eli Manning, has a lower career Quarterback rating (55.9), lower completion percentage (55.9 to Donovan's 58.9), a pedestrian touchdown to interception ratio (98 to 74) and has lost three out of four of his opening round playoff games, yet is constantly bandied about as one of the top quarterbacks in the game and is on the verge of becoming the highest paid player in the NFL, all because David Tyree put super glue on the side of his helmet.

The idea that Eli Manning is a better Quarterback then Donovan McNabb is laughable. Last Saturday, playing at home, with a far more talented team, and two weeks to prepare, Eli Manning missed open receiver after open receiver, while McNabb made big play after big play.

Every time the Eagles needed a big gain, Donovan made a play. When his protection broke down, he'd scramble in the backfield, buy himself a few extra seconds and find an open receiver. The Eagles were 7-14 on third down. The Giants were 3-13. Nuff said.

Hopefully, for Donovan's sake, the Eagles can dispatch the Cardinals this weekend and win the big one in two weeks. If not, I hope you can all find it in your heart to forgive Donovan for storing his career in the proverbial TV Stand.

Original Prediction: GIANTS over Panthers
Revised Prediction: Eagles over CARDINALS

---

I went to the Shack, a local burger chain, on Tuesday and ordered a bacon and blue cheese burger and a basket of fries. The burger was fantastic, as always, however, it was the fries that grabbed my attention.

There wasn't anything extraordinary about them. No special seasoning. No secret recipe. They were just, hot, crispy, and delicious, which surprised me. I always believed that making great fries required some magic, a special something, a certain je ne sais quoi.

The tangy zing of seasoned curly fries.
The intense flavor of Gordon Biesch Garlic Fries.
The perfect harmony of salty, sweet, and crunch of McDonalds Fries.

The fries from The Shack lack the superstar quality of the aforementioned potato wedges. They are not great, but they're damn good. They made me realized that making good fries is much simpler then I imagined.

Serve them hot.
Make them crispy.
Salt them appropriately.

That's it. It's not rocket science, just simple goodness.

Which, of course, brings us to Joe Flacco.

As I have repeated ad nauseum in the JBorhood, Joe Flacco is not a great quarterback. He doesn't move well in the pocket, he tends to lock on to his primary target, and his accuracy leaves something to be desired. He lacks the ability to take over a game or put his team on his shoulders and lead them to victory. But, after watching him stand strong in the pocket, make just enough big plays down field to keep the defense honest, and play 60 minutes of smart, confident football in the Ravens stunning victory over the Titans I realized that I owe Flacco an apology.

I spent so much time pointing out the fact that Flacco is not a great quarterback, that I completely overlooked the possibility that he was a good quarterback. But, as I sat at The Shack, enjoying my basket of solid, yet unspectacular French Fries, I had an epiphany: Quarterback play is just like making french fries. You don't have to be special to succeed and the recipe for success is very simple.

Don't turn the ball over.
Don't take a lot of sacks.
Make a few plays down field at critical moments.

Through two playoff games, Flacco has zero turnovers, zero sacks, a handful of great throws and, most importantly, two wins. It's not always pretty, but, as The Shack fries teach us, you don't have to be special to be high quality. I'll take me some Flacco fries any day.

(Of course, after all that, I'm still taking Pittsburgh this weekend. What? I said I was wrong, I never said I was crazy.)

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers
Re-Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Ravens

Super Bowl
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS
Re-Revised Prediction: I think it's better for all of us if I just sit this one out til next week.

2009 JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza!

Congratulations to the Chargers for their stunning upset of the Colts. A similar tip of the cap to the Cardinals, Eagles, and Ravens for their rousing victories over the weekend. Each team played hard, executed well, and deserves high praise for their performance.

It's a shame they don't mean anything.

That's right. You heard me. Not. A. Thing.

In fact -- and this might shock you -- even the Steelers and Panthers have nothing left to play for.

Due to the bizarre rules of the NFL and the continued collusion by a corrupt collection of conspirators (he pauses to bask in the glory of the 2009's first amazingly awesome alliteration), the only game that matters is the NFLCS Championship Game between the #1 Giants and #2 Titans.

Or at least that's what the BCS would have you believe.

Actually, after last night's loss, Oklahoma finished the season in 5th place, so the BCS would have you believe that the Giants and the Colts should square off for the title. (The JBorhood kindly asks that you overlook the similarity of this pick to his own initial playoff prognostication.)

But then, the BCS would have you believe that Florida and Choke-lahoma -- 4 BCS Title Game Appearances. 3 double-digit losses. 5-game BCS losing streak. Yup, choke sounds right -- are better then USC's NFL minor league team and undefeated Utah.

The BCS would have you believe that their was no shooter on the grassy knoll.

The BCS would have you believe that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban is the coach of the year, even though Utah's Kyle Wittingham led a school with far less resources and talent to an undefeated season and embarrassed Saban's Crimson Tide in the Sugar Bowl. (To be fair, the Coach of the Year award is an NCAA award, not a BCS award, however, I figure while I'm assigning blame and have identified a convenient scapegoat, might as well heap as much as blame on them as possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure the BCS caused the sub-prime mortgage crisis and global warming, and co-wrote the Star Wars prequels.)

Lucky for us, the BCS does not run the NFL and the NFL does not decide their champion using a combination of polls, computer rankings, media blather and what Paris Hilton wore to go clubbing last weekend.

The NFL decides their champions like men. (Which is to say that men decide their issues by suiting up in pads with ten of their closest friends and spending sixty minutes knocking the bejesus out of each other fighting over an oblong ball?)

And for that, I am thankful, as are the Chargers, Ravens, Cardinals, Eagles, and football fans everywhere.

Now let's get it on!

---

Wild Card Round

Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Three out of four first round match-up correct? We're breaking new ground here in the JBorhood. I'd boast a little, except for the tiny, minuscule, mostly insignificant detail that I picked the one team that lost to make it to the Super Bowl. But then, it wouldn't be a JBorhood Prognostication Extravaganza! without comically awful predictions. Remember, I'm the same guy that picked the Giants to lose all four playoff games last year. I have serious low standards to uphold.

Divisional Round
Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: STEELERS over Chargers

The Steelers defense is good. I mean really good. Hey everyone, come see how good the Steelers defense is. (For those of you who've never seen Anchorman -- *cough* Trenton *cough* -- I apologize for the previous joke, since it makes no sense to you. But, seriously, if you haven't seen Anchorman at this point, I have no sympathy for you.)

How good, you...err, I ask?

Their opponents gained less then 300 yards in every game but one.

That's not good, that's freaky-deeky. (Feel free to use this term when describing the Pittsburgh defense to your friends.)

I know that San Diego has talent.
I know that they just knocked off my Super Bowl favorite.
I know they're a trendy upset pick.

I also know that the front seven of Pittsburgh is too big, too good and too fast to let mighty mite Darren Sproles and the Chargers offense develop any rhythm or consistency.

I envision a loooooooooooooooooooooooong day for Chargers QB Phillip Rivers.

TITANS over Ravens

The Titans are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

The Ravens are a defensive juggernaut that beats teams into submission with a power running game.

If you can differentiate between these teams, you're a better man then I.

(I would like to take a moment and pat myself on the back for discussing the Ravens without pointing out Joe Flacco's glaring inadequacies. An entire paragraph without mentioning that he'll be working at a IHOP in three years. One detailed discussion sans any cracks about how he couldn't hit the Ocean if he was standing on the Beach. I'm making real progress here.)

GIANTS over Eagles

The Giants pair a well balanced offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

The Eagles pair a well balance offense with a dangerous, ball hawking defense that applies constant pressure to opposing quarterbacks.

If you can differentiate between these team, you're a better man then I.

PANTHERS over Cardinals

The Cardinals do two things well: Stop the run and pass the football. That is why I picked them to knock off Atlanta, who primarily runs the football and struggles to stop the pass.

The Panthers also primarily run the football, however, they do not struggle to stop the pass. In fact, the strength of their defense is applying pressure to opposing quarterbacks and shutting down opposing passing games. Couple that with an 8-0 record at home, the Cardinals 0-5 record in road games on the East Coast, and the fact that the Cardinals were outscored 102 to 202 in those games and you have the easiest pick of the day.

(It is worth noting, however, that the Cardinals had the ball at the end of the game with a chance to win in a 23-27 Week 8 loss at Carolina.)

Conference Championship Round (Detailed analysis to come 1/16/2009)
GIANTS over Panthers

The one thing the Panthers can't do is stop the run. Not good when you're facing the NFL's leading rushing team.

Original Prediction: Colts over STEELERS
Revised Prediction: TITANS over Steelers

Remember I said that the Steelers held every team but one to less then 300 yards? You know who that one team was?

That's right. The Titans.

Super Bowl (Detailed analysis to come in Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!)
Original Prediction: Colts over GIANTS
Revised Prediction: GIANTS over TITANS

Giants vs. Titans?

#1 vs #2?

What can I say? Sometimes the NFLCS gets it right...

Best of the JBorhood 2008 - Part 1

Happy New Year, Friends and JBors!

As the year comes to a close, let's take a look back and celebrate the best moments from the JBorhood in 2008.

(For the record, yes, that is a clever way of saying that the ratio of time spent drinking egg nog to time spent writing the past two weeks is approximately infinity.)

For all you NFL fans out there, never fear. The JBorhood NFL Playoff Prognostication Extravaganza! 2009 is on the way, but still needs a little more time in the oven before serving (because no one likes an under-baked prediction). I'll serve the entree portion early next week, but here's a few appetizers to whet your appetite.

(I think I stretched that food metaphor about one joke too far...)

NFL Playoff Predictions

First Round:
Colts over CHARGERS
Ravens over DOLPHINS
CARDINALS over Falcons
Eagles over VIKINGS

Second Round:
Colts over STEELERS
TITANS over Ravens
GIANTS over Eagles
PANTHERS over Cardinals

Division Championship Round:
GIANTS over Panthers
Colts over TITANS

Super Bowl:
Colts over GIANTS

(Get ready for the Manning Bowl everyone...)

Now, without further ado, let's take a look back at the first half of the year that was here in the Hood.

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(From Sugar Bowl Damage Control - 1/4/2008)
I'm going to let you savvy J-Borhood readers in on a little secret of mine. Feel free to use it to impress your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, roommates, acquaintances, grocery store clerks, Starbucks baristas or various other people who's respect you desperate crave. J-Borhood Maxim of Quarterbacks: The quality of a quarterback is directly proportional to the quality of his offensive line. Simple, elegant and utterly undeniable. Quarterback's mysteriously get better when they have plenty of time to throw the ball and look decidedly pedestrian – or, as I prefer to say, Grossmanian – when they are constantly forced to scramble in the pocket and evade relentless pressure. Don't get me wrong, the Axiom does not suggest that the difference between Tom Brady and Rex Grossman is the quality of their offensive lines, only that if you provided Grossman the time to sip his morning coffee and read the paper before making his throws like Tom Brady, that he'd look like a quality NFL starter. Similarly, the one game in which Tom Brady had a terrible game was against the Ravens, who had a ferocious pass rush all game and sacked Brady four times. It's not rocket science people, just the J-Borhood Maximization.


(From NFL Playoff Primer 2008 - 1/5/2008)
But, there's still hope [that the Patriots will lose]. Perhaps God is simply trying to draw out the suspense. Perhaps He believes it will be more damaging to the Patriots to come so close to a perfect season, only to lose it all in the playoffs. For now, all we can do is hope. Because at this point, it appears that the only thing that can stop the Patriots is an act of God.

Note: That's right. The JBorhood predicted the Patriots loss and David Tyree's helmet catch on Jaunary 5th. Almost makes up for picking the Giants to lose Tampa. And Dallas. And Green Bay. And New England.


(From A Football Carol - 1/18/2008)
(Norm Chow): Hello, fellow sons of Hawaii. I know that all hope seems lost, but the sky is always blackest just before the dawn. Take my hand, I can show you the way. [Author's note: I'm not entirely sure why my Norm Chow speaks like Cain from Kung Fu, but I wouldn't it be REALLY funny if he did. Seriously, can't you imagine him getting all Zen-Master on Vince Young? "Vince, Confucius say, Quarterback who runs first, pays later" Ok, maybe it's just me.]


(From 2008 Anual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! - 2/3/2008)
I feel like I've written the same thing for the past three weeks, but if the Jaguars, err…Chargers, err…Giants can put consistent pressure on Tom Brady without having to take men out of coverage to blitz, then they have a chance. Unfortunately, the Patriots have the best offensive line since the mid-90's Cowboys (for you non-football fans out there, if an average NFL offensive line is a picket fence creating a small, but sturdy impediment for opposing defenses, then the mid-90's Cowboys lines were like Alcatraz, if Alcatraz was surrounded by tiger sharks with laser beams on their heads.) rendering the possibility of creating pressure on Brady for four quarters nearly impossible.


(From Pro Bowl Musings - 2/11/2008)
The game taught me everything I need to know about Terrel Owens. He dropped two easy passes to start the game, which drew the ire of the crowd and a chorus of boos. Then he caught a magnificent shoe string catch on fourth and 13 to spark an NFC rally and a rain of praise from the crowd. Wildly inconsistent. Supremely talented. Polarizing figure. Done. Done. and Done.


(From Bore Me Like Beckham - 2/22/2008)
That is not to say exhibition matches can't be fun (I kept that sentence in specifically for it's fabulous use of a double negative). I attended the Pro Bowl two weeks ago with my buddy and had a blast. But I had more fun drinking beer in the sun and watching the players trash talk each other then I did watching the game. Furthermore the game was on a Sunday afternoon, my wife was at work and I got a free ticket. If I had exerted less effort to watch the game, they would have played it in my living room.

(From Bore Me Like Beckham - 2/22/2008) Sadly, David Beckham aside, the LA Galaxy is not the English national team and the Houston Dynamo is certainly no Brazil. The fact is, the MLS is still a second class soccer league. Actually, that's being kind. The MLS is a third class soccer league. And it's not like they brought in big name opponents like Manchester United, Chelsea, Barcelona or AC Milan. Sydney FC? Gamba Osaka? Gamba Osaka sounds more like pickled vegetables then a soccer team. (In fact, I'm pretty sure I had some Gamba Osaka at Shyrokiya the other day and it was kind of gross.)


(From J-Borhood Oscar Recap 2008 - 2/28/2008)
Let me get this straight. Brad Bird, the writer of Ratatouille, has two Oscars and Johnny Depp has zero? Seriously, do the winners of all the minor awards still get the same respect as the legitimate Oscar winners? Do they still get invited to the after parties? I picture them standing around outside a liquor store like Seth, Evan and Fogell, talking about trying to pick up chicks with their Oscars and debating whether their McLovin fake ID will work.


(From A Bittersweet Farewell - 3/7/2008)
A football season without Brett Favre is like Cinemax without soft core porn (What? You expected peanut butter without jelly?). You'll still watch, you just might not pay for the premium package. Let me put it this way: prior to this year, if my friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding, which happened to fall on the same day as a Bears-Packers game, he'd be looking for a new best man. This year, I'd at least think about it (before saying no).


(From A Bittersweet Farewell - 3/7/2008)
During the Packers hey day I would not have shed a tear if I found out that Brett Favre had been hit by a bus. While being eaten by a polar bear. With rabies.


(From Bursting the Bubble - 3/13/2008)
To put the poor state of their athletic department in perspective, in 2001, Duke won twice as many games in the NCAA Tournament (4), as the Gaels won the entire season (2, for those of you with embarrassingly bad math skills).


(From Bursting the Bubble - 3/13/2008)
You can argue whether Arizona State and their .500 conference record deserves a spot more then a St. Mary's team that plays in a conference dominated by pudgy white kids all you want, but it won't change the fact that, at the end of the day, UCLA, Memphis, Kansas and North Carolina will play in the Final Four.

Note: That's right. The JBorhood correctly predicted the Final Four befor the start of the tournament. Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, I should probably include the author's note that followed the aforementioned prediction.

(Author's Note: This is NOT my actual Final Four, so don't try and use this to get a leg up on me in our March Madness pool. In fact, if you pick the four #1 seeds to make the Final Four, I think you should be disqualified from the tournament for being a douche. I'm just saying...)


(From The Jimmy First Half Recap '08 -3/26/2008)
It looks like Trenton took his time, did some research and filled out half his bracket then went out, drank a 12 pack and took 14 Jager shots before filling out the second half. In the East and South Region, Trenton correctly identified all eight, Sweet 16 teams. In fact, he only missed two games in both regions. COMBINED. Unfortunately for him, those Jager shots came back to bite him in the Midwest and the West. (Maybe it's a geography thing. He does live in New York...) In those regions, he only picked two of the eight, Sweet 16 teams and incorrectly picked a whopping 14 of 24 total games. Next year Trenton, for your sake, may I suggest picks first, Jager second?


(From JBorhood Quick Hit #1 - 4/4/2008)
Kenny was arrested after a half-mile foot chase that began in the Police parking lot. For Kenny's sake, I'll kindly gloss over the fact that starting an altercation in a police parking lot while in possession of two ounces of marijuana is never a good idea, however, I can't pass up the opportunity to reiterate that he was captured after a half mile foot chase. Seriously, you're an NFL defensive back and you can't even run away from the cops for more then a half mile? That's sad. Forget the embarrassment to their franchise; the Browns should cut him for performance reasons. (Either that or sign the cop who caught him to a one year deal.)


(From A Farewell to Jimmy - 4/15/2008)
Without Shaun's gutsy selection of Kansas as the eventual champions, the Jimmy would have likely been won by Juan, who selected two upsets (that's right, two) in his entire bracket. Hopefully, future participants will learn a valuable lesson from Shaun's bracket: It's better to be unfathomably lucky, then any good at picking basketball games.


(From A Farewell to Jimmy - 4/15/2008)
The Whatever Helps you Sleep at Night Award is presented to the participant who avoided finishing in last place due to two people not filling out their brackets, one person not realizing the numbers by teams names indicated their rankings and one person picking Sienna to win the tournament because "Sienna is the greatest city in Tuscany!".


(From NBA Playoff Prognostication 2008 - 4/20/2008)
In baseball, statistics tell me that Barry Bonds gets on base every other time he steps up to the plate, hits home runs like Ike Turner hit wives and that his defensive range and base stealing abilities have developed inversely proportional to the growth of his cranium. In basketball, statistics tell me that Jason Kidd has a superb assist to turnover ratio, but they can't explain that he gets used more then a beer bong at a frat house when he tries to guard anyone with two functional legs.


(From NBA Playoff Prognostication 2008 - 4/20/2008)
So take what I say with a grain of salt. In fact take it with a lot of salt. Get out a Margarita glass, line the rim with salt and let me pour my delicious, refreshing and hilariously uninformed thoughts, musings and predictions into it for your enjoyment.


(From A Foolish Consistency - 4/25/2008)
But, something strange happens to scouts when they see a quarterback take his shirt off. All of a sudden, they care more about how the quarterback looks in a wet T-shirt contest -- "Johnny, do you see Flacco's abs under that baby-T?" -- then how accurately they throw the football


(From First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! - 5/3/2008)
I have a pet peeve with people who name thier animals with people names. Sure, some names like Max work equally well for humans and animals alike, but for the most part, it just sounds weird giving commands to a dog named Frank. Frank, sit. Frank, stay. Frank, don't poop in my new pair of shoes. See? Weird.


(From First Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! - 5/3/2008)
Perhaps the most disappointing of all the horses names, considering that this Colt's dad has an incredible name: Mineshaft. It sounds cool, it rolls off the tongue and has a veiled sexual reference. Perfect. Cool Coal Man, on the other hand, sounds like the nickname of an aging NBA veteran with bad knees, ugly custody battle and a heroin addiction. Not so good.


(From My Triumphant Return (Step 1) - 6/13/2008)
I'm taking a page out of the Michael Jordan school of comebacks. Once the media hype reaches a fever pitch, I'll drop my patented brand of humor, sports acumen, irreverence and filagry on the world. (If you think that last sentence was just an extemperaneous excuse to use the word filagry, then you know me all to well.)

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