Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis

There's no denying it. We're in the midst of a full blown credit crisis. No, not THAT credit crisis. I'm talking about the sports credit crisis. Millions of fans are crying out for the credit they feel their team so dearly deserves, but the credit market is all dried up. The sub-prime preseason prediction mess has removed any of the credibility from the blogosphere, and now, there's no one left to save the sports world from a brutal recession.

No one, except, of course, me.

I'm here with my own, personal, bailout package, designed to kick-start the sports economy. So look out, Henry Paulsen. Make way, Ben Bernake. The JBorhood is here to save the day.

(Before we get started, a brief aside... You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.)

Credit Approved: Tennessee Titans

No, the Tennessee Titans are not a dominant team.

No, they are not in danger of matching the Patriots 16-0 regular season.

No, they have not played a difficult schedule. (Only one team, the Ravens, has a winning record.)

No, they are not a better team then any of the Super Bowl Champions from the past five years.

But, after Tom Brady went down, there are no dominant teams left in the NFL this season and the Titans do one thing -- play defense -- better then any other team does one thing, and this year, that's enough to win it all.

Credit Denied: Dallas Cowboys

I know, I know. Tell you something you don't know. But the fact is, the Cowboys probably have more talent then anyone else in the league and, when Tony Romo returns, people will resume mentioning them as one of the favorites in the NFC. Sadly, the Cowboys show all the signs of a team that looks good in the regular season, but makes too many stupid mistakes to win it all. (Hell, at this point, they make so many mistaked they don't even look good in the regular season.) They'll make the playoffs. They'll make their fans excited again. They might even win their first game. But they'll make a huge mistake (penalty, dropped pass, turnover) when it matters most and, once again, make an early exit from the playoffs.

Credit Approved: Quarterbacks who can throw the football

I'm so conditioned to Rex Grossman's fuck-it-i'm-throwing-deep style of football that the Kyle Orton experience hasn't quite sunk in. I keep waiting for him to throw a brutal, hide-the-women-and-children, seriously-even-I-could've-thrown-that-better interception to lose a game, but it hasn't happened. In fact, he's been so good, I've already started to take him for granted. After the Minnesota game, I talked about the special teams; I talked about good play calling; I talked about the emergence of Greg Olsen; But, I didn't talk about the fact that a Bears quarterback threw for 283 yards, 3 touchdowns (For the record, I'm counting Desmond Clark's fumble in the end zone a TD.) and directed an offense that scored 49-FUCKING-POINTS. (I apologize for swearing twice in such rapid succession, however, when the Bears score more then 30 points in a game, they're no longer just points, they're FUCKING POINTS. )

Credit Denied: Quarterbacks who can't throw the football

If I have to sit through another four quarters of Inoke Funaki and Tyler Graunke competing to see who can throw the more brutal interception, I might set myself on fire. In fact, the only thing worse then watching Funake play quarterback is listening to the local media defend his quarterback play. I get it. UH beat Fresno State. That was awesome. But if your best day throwing the football involved 224 yards and a 53% completion percentage, you might want to find a new position, ya dig?

Credit Approved: Derrick Rose

I'm probably guilty of being a Chicago homer on this one, however, Derrick Rose has instantly made the Bulls must-see-TV. He's freakishly quick, has an unbelieveable knack for finding a player streaking to the baset for an alley-oop, and is virtually unguardable on the fast break. Before the season started, I kept telling myself, "Remember, he's just a rookie. Remember, he's just a rookie." Now, I'm talking about having another kid so I can name it Derrick or Rose. (Excuse me, I need to stop my wife from signing divorce papers.)

Credit Denied: Greg Oden

Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Credit Approved: Los Angeles Lakers

They have the best player in basketball, the best coach in basketball, a healthy Andrew Bynum, a full year of Pau Gasol, they go two deep at every position, and every player looks like they spent the entire offseason worrying that Kobe would drive to their house and stab them if they didn't shoot 5,000 free throws every day. Plus, Vladamir Radmonavic finally realied that he'd look like a Russian mafia member rather then Mr. Bean if he shaved his head. That's gotta be worth at least five points a game.

Credit Denied: Boston Celtics

Take your shots now (while you still can), but the Celtics will NOT, under any circumstances, repeat as NBA champions. They might still be the best team in the East, though Cleveland is coming awfully close, they'll most likely be back in the Finals, however, due to one overlooked reason, they are no longer the best team in the NBA.

The reason?

No James Posey.

(If you stop laughing for a second, I'll explain.)

Last year, James Posey provided the extra oomph the Celtics needed to get over the hump. He was the best permitter defender for the best defensive team in the league. He prevented guys like LeBron and Kobe from getting into the lane and allowed Kevin Garnett to dominate the middle. Without him, the Celtics defense will be good, but not great. When you're watching them play and you notice something missing from their defensive intensity and it seems like they can't lock teams down like they could last year, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Approved: New Orleans Hornets, Houston Rockets

Which is the perfect segue to my next point: Say hello to the two new elite teams in the NBA. The Hornets and Rockets took great teams and added elite permiter defenders (James Posey in New Orleans, Ron Artest in Houston) that can rebound, score when needed and, most importantly, guard three to four positions and lock down the opposing team's best player. When you're watching the Hornets and Rockets play and you notice something different about them and it seems like they have an amazing knack for locking down close games, just remember what the nice man from the JBorhood told you.

Credit Denied: Phoenix Suns, Dallas Mavericks, San Antonio Spurs

You can't have up, without down. Can't have black without white. Can't have Thursday without hard-core porn. (Oh, crap. How'd that slip through my internal monologue?) And you can't have new elite teams unless the old elite teams lose a step. So, even though the Suns, Mavs, and Spurs will all play quality basketball, none will seriously contend for an NBA title. They're all a year old and a step slow.

Credit Approved: Philadelphia Phillies

No, the Phillies do not need any credit. They've got so much credit they don't know what to do with it. Truth is, I included the Phillies because I have a bone to pick with them. Well, not them, but their media coverage. Specifically, the post World Series the headline: Worth the Wait.

Worth the Wait? The Phillies won a title 20 years ago. That's not a wait, it's a brief interlude. The Red Sox waited 85 years to win a title. The White Sox waited 87. Hell, the Cubs haven't won a title in over 100 years. There are 99 year old people who WEREN'T EVEN ALIVE when the Cubs last won a World Series. So, sorry, Philadelphia. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but let's tone down the poor me stuff, ok?

Credit Approved: Tampa Bay Rays

I know, I know. They lost.

But that doesn't change the fact that the doormat of Major League baseball won the toughest division in baseball, went toe-to-toe with the previous year's World Series champion Red Sox in the playoffs, and became the first team in Major League Baseball history to go from last place to the World Series in the span of one year. Even though they didn't win, they're still loaded with young talent and not scheduled to lose a key member of their team for the next few years. Whether Yankees or Red Sox fans like it or not, the Rays are here to stay.

Credit Denied: Chicago Cubs

Some things just speak for themselves...

Limit your Enthusiasm

In light of the Cubs alacritous exit from the postseason and my corresponding one week hiatus from the JBorhood, I want to answer a few pending questions before we get started.

(Big shot out to my boy Jew -- don't look at me, he came up with the name -- for posing some of the questions and convincing me to address the Cubs meltdown.)

1. What happened to last week's article?

The Cubs happened. They crapped all over my week. If I had written an article, it would have consisted solely of cuss words, exclamation points, and phonetic representations of me vomiting every time I heard about how Joe Torre's experience was the key factor in the Dodgers win. Trust me when I say that those thoughts are better left unpublished. I'd say it's a 50/50 shot it would land me on the U.S. Government no-fly-list for terroristic threatening and would undoubtedly be admissible in court as certifiable proof of my insanity and instability. Let's move on, shall we?

2. Was this year's collapse the most painful Cubs collapse in history?

No, and it's not even close. This year you could see the collapse coming a mile away, whereas, in 2003, they were five outs away from the World Series before...well, before you-know-what. That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.

3. Who is your pick now in MLB?

I'm hoping for a never-ending series of scoreless innings that prevents anyone from winning until March when they finally have to call off the World Series to start next season. Barring that, I'll take the Phillies.

4. Speaking of the Phillies, did PETA really ask Shane Victorino to stop eating SPAM?

Yes, he says, laughing hysterically, but as much as I agree that Hormel is guilty of mistreatment of Animals, trying to get Hawaii to give up SPAM is a lost cause. If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.

Ok, I feel much better. Let's get down to business.

---

It's important to know your limitations.

For instance, I'm a terrible multitasker, so I don't talk on my cell phone and drive. Similarly, I know very little about foreign policy, couldn't provide any insight on how to solve the health care crisis in America, and learned everything I know about the problems facing social security from the back of a Starbucks cup, so I wouldn't run for Vice President. Now, now, before my Conservative readers revolt (readers? I have readers?), I don't mean that as a knock against Sarah Palin. Actually, quite the contrary. I feel bad for her. She's an amazing orator and an incredibly accomplished woman, unfortunately, she's just wildly unqualified to take on the intrinsic responsibilities of the Vice Presidency and wasn't ready for the unrelenting scrutiny of the presidential race. (I know that the media is all about sound bites and quotes taken out of context, but seriously, if you can't name one newspaper you read, I'm pretty sure that should disqualify you from running the free world, no?) I'm sure she thought she was up to the challenge when she accepted the nomination, but, sadly, she was a victim of her own overconfidence, and now she and John McCain's chances of success are paying for it.

Hey, jerkoff. Aren't you supposed to be a sports columnist?

I'm so glad you asked. The meteoric rise and fall of Sarah Palin is not simply an interesting political vignette, it's an important lesson to sports fans everywhere:

It's important to know your limitations.

Knowing their limitation is what helped Cubs fans come to grips with their team's typical post-season collapse.

It's what makes the lives of Lions fans, who already know they can start spending time with their families on Sundays, better then the lives of Giants fans, who, in the wake of a brutal loss to the Browns are left wondering whether their team is actually one of the best in the NFL or just the lucky recipient of an easy early season schedule. (It's easy to go 4-1 when you play the Bengals, Rams and Seahawks, but the Giants final ten games are Pittsburgh, Dallas, @Philly, Baltimore, @Arizona, @Washington, Philly, @Dallas, Carolina, @Minnesota. Still feeling comfortable Men of Eli?)

It's what makes me trust a 5-1 University of Florida team, coming off a beat down of previously #4 LSU, more then an undefeated Alabama team, who was outscored 30-10 in the second half of their signature win of the season.

Finally, it's the reason I didn't celebrate UH's improbable win over Fresno State with the same enthusiasm as the rest of the State of Hawaii. Because I have less of an understanding of the football team after the game then I did before it.

(Author's Note: I would like to state, for the record, that I missed the game because I was the best man at my buddy's wedding. As I mentioned at the time and would like to reiterate now, friends aren't people who help you move; Friends are people who come to your wedding instead of watching UH upset Fresno State. Congratulations again, J Rock.)

Before the game, I thought UH was a bad football team. But, bad football teams don't go into Fresno and win. Bad football teams don't block field goals to save the game as time expires. Bad football teams don't beat Top 25 teams. On the road. For the first time in their program's history. (Raise your hand if you thought UH would beat a Top 25 team on the road for the first time in the program's history the year AFTER Colt Brennan graduated? You can put your hand down, Coach McMackin.). But, likewise, good teams don't struggle to beat 1-AA Weber State. Good teams don't let Louisiana Tech hang around. Good teams certainly don't lose to San Jose State at home. So then what is UH?

The truth is, we don't know. We know what the Warriors are capable of, we just don't know what to expect. Which is not a good thing heading into a 2 pm nationally televised showdown today with #15 ranked Boise State at Boise, where the Broncos have a 16-game winning streak. The Warriors have done just enough to make me tune in, just enough to make me interested, and just enough to rip my heart out if they lose big. Maybe the Warriors make history and win their second consecutive road game against a nationally ranked opponent. Maybe they get utterly embarrassed in front of a nationally audience.

At least, when it's all said and done, we'll know what to make of this team.

Bridging the Gap

Been busy this week, so this week's post is a little tardy. To entertain you until I return I wanted to pass along this witty quip from Honolulu Advertiser political columnist David Shapiro:

"U.S. Supreme Court justices hearing a dispute over Navy sonar say they must balance the danger to whales against the danger of a North Korean sub sneaking into Hawai’i waters. Yeah, we can’t have the Koreans blowing up whales."

You can read the rest of his weekly wrap up from his Advertiser Blog, Volcanic Ash, here:
http://volcanicash.honadvblogs.com/2008/10/10/flashback-the-guv-takes-flight/

I'll have the post up this weekend. And, yes, I finally discuss UH Football.

Til then...

(Don't) Stop Believing

Something strange happened today.

After Ryan Dempster proved unable to locate the plate with a compass, a GPS navigation system, a Sherpa, and a copy of Google-fucking-Maps on his iPhone;

After James Loney turned into Barry Bonds;

After Manny Ramirez turned into, well, I suppose he always was Manny Ramirez;

After a 40-year-old Greg Maddox finished off the Cubs like a 20-year-old Mariano Rivera;

After Cubs relievers decided that appearing in a playoff game without surrendering a run is so 1908;

After I decided to leave work to at 3 in the afternoon -- when the game was in the eighth inning here in Hawaii -- because I needed a beer;

After the bartender refused to serve me because I didn't have my ID;

After the bartender realized that I was far more likely to throw myself off a building then give her a citation for serving alcohol to someone without ID;

After I pounded the beer in under two seconds;

After the bartender asked me if I was OK;

After I told her that I would be better if she poured me another beer;

After I finished that beer faster then the first;

After she told me not to tip her and have a safe drive home;

After I got home and popped open the bottle of scotch; (Actually, shortly after opening the bottle of scotch...)

Because at that moment, I gave up on the Cubs. I decided that they had no chance of beating the Dodgers; No chance of winning the World Series; No chance of breaking the Curse of the Billy Goat; No chance of ending a century's worth of frustration. At that moment, when all hope was lost, I realized...

The Cubs have a chance.

Not a great chance, more of shot in the dark really, but a chance nonetheless. (So you're telling me there's a chance...) You see, for the Cubs to finally break their curse, they need to lose games like today's. They need things to go wrong. They need everyone to finally give up on them. Because, as soon as everyone gives up, then the Cubs have nothing to lose. And that would make them dangerous.

For the United States hockey team to beat Russia, they needed to lose an exhibition match to the Russians 10-3 and have everyone lose faith.

For the Red Sox to break the curse of the Bambino, they needed the Yankees to go up three games to none and have everyone write off their chances.

For the United States to break a nine year drought in the Ryder Cup, they needed to lose Tiger Woods.

For the Giants to beat the Patriots, they needed everyone to debate whether the Patriots were the greatest team in NFL history instead of discussing whether the Giants had a chance.

To overcome incredible adversity, each of these teams needed to hit rock bottom. They needed to lose everything. But as soon as that happened, as soon as everyone lost faith, as soon as people counted them out, they rallied around the belief that no one believed in them and they found a way to believe in themselves.

So I say stop believing in the Cubs. In fact, tell your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your uncles, your co-workers, you congressman, your senators, the hot barista at Starbucks, hell, even that crazy guy at the bus station, to stop believing in the Cubs. Tell everyone who will listen. Tell 'em even if they won't listen. Make it your goal to make as many people as you possibly can stop believing in the Cubs.

Because, maybe, just maybe, if the Cubs have nothing to lose, they'll finally be able to gain everything.

EAMUS CATULI!
(Go Cubs!)