In light of the Cubs alacritous exit from the postseason and my corresponding one week hiatus from the JBorhood, I want to answer a few pending questions before we get started.
(Big shot out to my boy Jew -- don't look at me, he came up with the name -- for posing some of the questions and convincing me to address the Cubs meltdown.)
1. What happened to last week's article?
The Cubs happened. They crapped all over my week. If I had written an article, it would have consisted solely of cuss words, exclamation points, and phonetic representations of me vomiting every time I heard about how Joe Torre's experience was the key factor in the Dodgers win. Trust me when I say that those thoughts are better left unpublished. I'd say it's a 50/50 shot it would land me on the U.S. Government no-fly-list for terroristic threatening and would undoubtedly be admissible in court as certifiable proof of my insanity and instability. Let's move on, shall we?
2. Was this year's collapse the most painful Cubs collapse in history?
No, and it's not even close. This year you could see the collapse coming a mile away, whereas, in 2003, they were five outs away from the World Series before...well, before you-know-what. That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.
3. Who is your pick now in MLB?
I'm hoping for a never-ending series of scoreless innings that prevents anyone from winning until March when they finally have to call off the World Series to start next season. Barring that, I'll take the Phillies.
4. Speaking of the Phillies, did PETA really ask Shane Victorino to stop eating SPAM?
Yes, he says, laughing hysterically, but as much as I agree that Hormel is guilty of mistreatment of Animals, trying to get Hawaii to give up SPAM is a lost cause. If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.
Ok, I feel much better. Let's get down to business.
It's important to know your limitations.
For instance, I'm a terrible multitasker, so I don't talk on my cell phone and drive. Similarly, I know very little about foreign policy, couldn't provide any insight on how to solve the health care crisis in America, and learned everything I know about the problems facing social security from the back of a Starbucks cup, so I wouldn't run for Vice President. Now, now, before my Conservative readers revolt (readers? I have readers?), I don't mean that as a knock against Sarah Palin. Actually, quite the contrary. I feel bad for her. She's an amazing orator and an incredibly accomplished woman, unfortunately, she's just wildly unqualified to take on the intrinsic responsibilities of the Vice Presidency and wasn't ready for the unrelenting scrutiny of the presidential race. (I know that the media is all about sound bites and quotes taken out of context, but seriously, if you can't name one newspaper you read, I'm pretty sure that should disqualify you from running the free world, no?) I'm sure she thought she was up to the challenge when she accepted the nomination, but, sadly, she was a victim of her own overconfidence, and now she and John McCain's chances of success are paying for it.
Hey, jerkoff. Aren't you supposed to be a sports columnist?
I'm so glad you asked. The meteoric rise and fall of Sarah Palin is not simply an interesting political vignette, it's an important lesson to sports fans everywhere:
It's important to know your limitations.
Knowing their limitation is what helped Cubs fans come to grips with their team's typical post-season collapse.
It's what makes the lives of Lions fans, who already know they can start spending time with their families on Sundays, better then the lives of Giants fans, who, in the wake of a brutal loss to the Browns are left wondering whether their team is actually one of the best in the NFL or just the lucky recipient of an easy early season schedule. (It's easy to go 4-1 when you play the Bengals, Rams and Seahawks, but the Giants final ten games are Pittsburgh, Dallas, @Philly, Baltimore, @Arizona, @Washington, Philly, @Dallas, Carolina, @Minnesota. Still feeling comfortable Men of Eli?)
It's what makes me trust a 5-1 University of Florida team, coming off a beat down of previously #4 LSU, more then an undefeated Alabama team, who was outscored 30-10 in the second half of their signature win of the season.
Finally, it's the reason I didn't celebrate UH's improbable win over Fresno State with the same enthusiasm as the rest of the State of Hawaii. Because I have less of an understanding of the football team after the game then I did before it.
(Author's Note: I would like to state, for the record, that I missed the game because I was the best man at my buddy's wedding. As I mentioned at the time and would like to reiterate now, friends aren't people who help you move; Friends are people who come to your wedding instead of watching UH upset Fresno State. Congratulations again, J Rock.)
Before the game, I thought UH was a bad football team. But, bad football teams don't go into Fresno and win. Bad football teams don't block field goals to save the game as time expires. Bad football teams don't beat Top 25 teams. On the road. For the first time in their program's history. (Raise your hand if you thought UH would beat a Top 25 team on the road for the first time in the program's history the year AFTER Colt Brennan graduated? You can put your hand down, Coach McMackin.). But, likewise, good teams don't struggle to beat 1-AA Weber State. Good teams don't let Louisiana Tech hang around. Good teams certainly don't lose to San Jose State at home. So then what is UH?
The truth is, we don't know. We know what the Warriors are capable of, we just don't know what to expect. Which is not a good thing heading into a 2 pm nationally televised showdown today with #15 ranked Boise State at Boise, where the Broncos have a 16-game winning streak. The Warriors have done just enough to make me tune in, just enough to make me interested, and just enough to rip my heart out if they lose big. Maybe the Warriors make history and win their second consecutive road game against a nationally ranked opponent. Maybe they get utterly embarrassed in front of a nationally audience.
At least, when it's all said and done, we'll know what to make of this team.
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