We have a problem.
Two of our nation's most sacred drinking-related holidays, Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby, follow each other in rapid succession. There is an overabundance of quality-alcohol-fueled-bacchanalia in such a very short window. And, I don't know why I never realized this before; in 2007 the Kentucky Derby actually took place on Cinco De Mayo. What are we supposed to do when that happens? Tequila juleps? (Author's Note: I actually found this recipe on Twitter the day after posting this article. As usual, the universe is messing with me.)
We have only one sensible recourse: move Cinco de Mayo to June.
We can't move the Kentucky Derby. The entire horse racing calendar is built around the Derby taking place on the first Saturday in May. Shifting the dates of every horse race in the world is a logistical nightmare.
No, we have to move Cinco de Mayo.
We can't move it March, which already has White-People-Do-Stupid-Things Day (or St. Patrick's Day as it's referred to colloquially), so we need to push it back a month to give party goers the appropriate amount of time to plan, celebrate, and recover between holidays.
Sure, some people will yammer on about the 5th of May having some significance to Cinco de Mayo, but that's just sentimentalism. Others will make similarly trite arguments about the events of Cinco de Mayo taking place in 1862, thirteen years before the first Kentucky Derby (1875), but it's only a thirteen year difference and can we really trust pre-turn of the Century Mexican record keeping?
It makes the most sense to push back Cinco de Mayo a month and celebrate it on June 5th. Call it Junio de Mayo if you want to get all technical.
Tequila tastes better in the Summer anyway.
Now that we've cleared up that little snafu, let's move on to the most important item of business: the Annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Rankings.
As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.
20. Derby Kitten (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 9)
Derby Kitten only qualified for the field when another horse withdrew at the last minute and lost it's only other race on dirt by 27 lengths. Even worse, it's owners, Ken and Sarah Ramsey, force the jockey and horse to wear staggeringly ugly matching red hats with Giant "R"s (for Ramsey) in an ego glorifying display of stupidity.
On the bright side, it'll be that much easier for them to spot Derby Kitten in the back of the back.
19. Watch Me Go (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 20)
This horse's one claim to fame is an upset victory in the Tampa Derby, which is akin to winning the automatic NCAA Tournament qualifying berth from the Big Sky.
Watch Me Go would be much more appropriately named Watch Me Go Home.
18. Decisive Moment (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 18)
A horse with no endurance in a long race, ridden by a 52 year old dude named Kerwin. Excuse me for not getting excited.
The only decisive moment will occur with 1/2 mile to go when this horse falls to the back of the back.
17. Master of Hounds (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 11)
An ugly horse with strange markings. A vaguely pretentious monarchical nickname. A trainer who never entered the horse in a dirt track race before the most important dirt track race in its life.
Do I even need to tell you Master of Hounds is European?
15. Comma To The Top (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)
A month ago, trainer Peter Miller said he wouldn't enter Comma to the Top in the Derby because Comma lacked the endurance to run such a long race.
Last time I checked, the length of the derby hasn't changed.
16. Santiva (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 12)
Santiva is short, struggles in traffic, finished a disappointing 9th in his last race and, most importantly, his name sounds more like an exotic strain of marijuana than a racehorse. Not good.
14. Mucho Macho Man (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 13)
Does anyone else find it ironic that trainer Kathy Ritvo is trying to become the first female trainer to win a Kentucky Derby with a horse named Mucho Macho Man? I suppose it rolls off the tongue better than than Wander Wonder Woman.
13. Archarcharch (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 1)
Archarcharch is going to loseloselose.
12. Soldat (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)
For the record, SolDat is the fourth most interesting permutation of the letters a, d, l, o, s, and t closing following LostAd, DoLast, DaLost, and LaSold.
11. Brilliant Speed (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 2)
Brilliant Speed is equal parts fantastic name and embarrassingly presumptuous. Anything less than an outright victory or comically ironic last place finish would be disappointing, which, of course, is why it will finish in the middle of the pack.
10. Pants On Fire (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 7)
Similar to trainer Kathy Ritvo, jockey Rosie Napravnik is attempting to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby, plus, she's sneaky hot. Well, she's female jockey hot, which, for the record, is somewhere between WNBA hot and female body builder hot.
9. Stay Thirsty (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 4)
Normally I wouldn't get excited about a horse that finished 7th in the Florida Derby by 20 lengths, but this is the most interesting horse in the world.
Stay thirsty, my friends.
8. Midnight Interlude (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 15)
Mightnight Interlude is fast, has good endurance, is trained by one of the best in the business (Bob Baffert, who has trained three previous Derby winners), sounds like a suave way of describing a late night romantic soiree, and is the only horse entering the Derby with two consecutive victories. Unfortunately, his jockey will be wearing this.
7. Twinspired (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 10)
Forget the silly name - a pun only a horse racing aficionado could appreciate - and focus on the fact this this Twinspired might be the first horse to ever scare his way to victory. He has speckled dark-gray skin, tattered gray hair, and cold, jet black eyes that look like they could suck your soul out of your body. I'm 75% sure the jockey is going to carry a scythe instead of a riding crop.
6. Shackelford (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 14)
I was going to research interesting facts about Shackelford, but got distracted by this incredible recipe for Mint Julep Pannacotta, which, when you get right down to it, is much more interesting than a horse named Shackelford.
5. Uncle Mo (Odds: 9-2, Post Position: 18)
Uncle Mo is a beast. No, really. Look at this him. He's a monster. He has more muscle definition than mid-80's Schwarzenegger. If all things were equal, Uncle Mo would pick his year's derby field out of his hoofs.
Sadly, all things are not equal. Uncle Mo suffered his first defeat in his pre-derby tune up at the Wood Memorial and was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal infection after the race. He's been on a steady diet of antibiotics for the past month and it is still a race day decision as to whether or not he will run in the Derby.
But, if he does and if he's sufficiently healed from infection look out.
You have been warned.
4. Animal Kingdom (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 16)
Animal Kingdom has great speed.
Animal Kingdom has great endurance.
Animal Kingdom beat two Derby entrants Decisive Moment and Twinspired to qualify for the Derby.
Animal Kingdom has a sufficiently bizarre, yet memorable name that would befit a Derby champion.
There's just one tiny problem...
Animal Kingdom has never run on dirt.
Normally, this type of glaring flaw would bother me, but Animal Kingdom is also the name of the Disney World Park that has my 3 year old daughter's heart racing.
Let's get it on.
3. Twice the Appeal (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 3)
I said it last year and I'll say it again.
Two words: Calvin Borel.
Borel has won three of the last four Kentucky Derby's - finishing an impressive third the only year he failed to win - including a 2009 victory on 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird. In a year of uncertainty, with no clear favorites and only one horse (Midnight Interlude) coming in with a streak of more than one victory, I see no reason why Calvin Borel wouldn't ride another long shot to an improbable victory.
If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.
(On a side note: If Borel brings home his unprecedented third derby victory in a row, they'll have to change Twice The Appeal's name to Thrice The Appeal. Either that or Calvin-Mother F'ing-Borel.)
2. Dialed In (Odds: 4-1, Post Position: 8)
He's a little ugly, has a great trainer - Hall of Famer Nick Zito, world class speed, an ability to kick into high gear at the end of races, a great post position, and a fabulous name for a race horse. He came from the back of the pack to beat Shackelford by a nose in the Florida derby.
Historically, a horse with four or less stars hasn't won the derby since 1918, but Dialed In has the size, speed, training staff, and pedigree to buck 93 years of history.
Dare I say, he's dialed in.
1. Nehro (Odds: 6-1, Post Position: 19)
Nehro came from behind and almost won the Arkansas Derby... losing by a nose to Archarcharch.
Nehro came from behind and almost won the Louisiana Derby... losing by a nose to Pants on Fire.
So why am I so confident that a horse coming off two consecutive losses to horses in this Derby field is going to trot away with the roses? The Kentucky Derby is 1/8 of a mile longer than both the Arkansas and Louisiana Derbys, giving Nehro just the time he needs to use his incredible closing speed.
This Saturday, look for Nehro to be the Hero.