Can someone please tell me how Ellen DeGeneres is sleeping with Portia DeRossi? Is it her sense of humor? Her love of boxed Chardonnay? The fact those both of their names start with De. I mean, I’m funny, I like boxed wine and my last name starts with D’. Does that get me in the conversation?
I’m not entirely convinced that Peter O’Toole lived to watch the presentation of the Best Picture award.
I know she walked out with the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, but when did Nicole Kidman start looking like a bond girl? Congratulations to anyone who bet on Kidman getting the better of the Cruise-Kidman split.
Speaking of gambling, what are the odds that, 6 years after the 2000 Presidential Election, George Bush would be demonized world wide, while Al Gore would be cracking “My fellow American” jokes with Leonardo DiCaprio on stage at the Oscars, celebrating his Oscar winning documentary? 100,000:1? 1 million to 1? Hell, if Gore had showed a smidgeon of that charisma during his run for President he would have won by a landslide…
Personally, my favorite Al Gore moment was when the director of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ had Gore’s arm in a death grip after winning the Oscar for Best Documentary. For a second, I though Gore was going to punch him.
I said it last year and I have to say it again. Jack Nicholson is, hands down, the coolest man alive. And it’s not even close. He’s almost 70 years old and he came to Oscar’s rocking the exact same look as Djimon Honsou, down to the Persol shades and bald head. You’re making the JBorhood Hall of Fame proud Mr. Nicholson.
Did anyone else find it hysterical that Forest Whitaker used the EXACT framework for an Oscar acceptance speech that Ellen DeGeneres joked about to start the show? He started off saying he never thought he’d ever win (#1), talked about growing up in a car (#2), and coming from a famously underprivileged area (South Central LA, #3). Couldn’t have scripted it any better.
Speaking of Forest Whitaker, when I saw his clip I was blown away by his unbelievable acting job. When I saw his incredible facial expression, where he made his right eye twice as wide as his left, I figured he had to win. Then I saw him give his acceptance speech, and though to myself, oh…his right eye is twice as his left….My bad.
Watching Jada Pinkett and Will Smith light up when their son Jaden presented the awards for Best Short Films was wonderful. It is so nice to see a happy Hollywood family. It’s easy to look at the utter madness of the Brittany Spears and Jessica Simpsons of the world and forget about the families that actually make it work.. A special JBorhood salute to the Smith family.
1st thought when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Wow!
2nd though when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Is this really their full time job?
Is there anyway we can get Hollywood actors to deliver the acceptance speeches for non-acting winners? At this point, it would take a significant amount of evidence to convince me that Best Sound Editing winner, Alan Robert Murray is not a robot. For the love of God, it’s called inflection. Use it.
Are we entirely sure that Martin Scorsese and Dennis Hopper are different people?
Speaking of which, is Cameron Diaz trying to look like Maggie Gyllnhall or vice versa? Someone please tell me they share the same plastic surgeon.
Gotta say, it looked like Ben Affleck’s dog had just died. It’s called a smile, Ben. Use it.
Did William Monahan, the writer of ‘The Departed’ screenplay and Oscar winner, really say that he was inspired to become a screenwriter by ‘Lawrence of Arabia’? I watched that movie with my Mom over spring break when I was 5 year old. We didn’t finish until Easter. When I was 7.
Some helpful advice for Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. It’s called a fork. Use it occasionally.
Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, did her Oscar come with a complementary chin job?
Why is it that the winners of the Best Foreign Film always seem to go crazy on stage? Is this somehow related to why Mexican soccer announcers scream so much?
Eat your heart out Simon Cowell. Three years after he told Jennifer Hudson she’d “never make it in this industry”, she wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and then throws down an amazing performance on stage with Beyonce? Can we get a written apology?
Raise your hand if, five years ago, you thought think Jerry Seinfeld would become painfully unfunny while Dane Cook and Jim Gaffigan were selling out arenas across the country.
What do we have to do before we can get some sideline reporters at the Oscars?
I’m pretty sure Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife and her wife’s four kids at the Oscars and it didn’t seem weird at all. Furthermore, in the past month, an African American coach won the Super Bowl, a woman became the presidential favorite, and a lesbian hosted the Oscars. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there America.
Does the Academy keep Jodie Foster in a cryogenic chamber between awards shows? She looks about as old now as she did in Taxi Driver...
George Lucas’s hair looks like the love child of Don King’s fro and Donald Trump toupee.
Can someone please tell me why they give the Best Picture Oscar to the movie’s producer(s)? Seriously, if Scorsese hadn’t won Best Director I think he might have stabbed Graham King in the heart with the Best Picture award.
Last, but certainly not least, I cannot justifiably believe that ‘Babel’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ were better movies then ‘The Illusionist’. ‘Babel’ is a three hour kick in the stomach and ‘Sunshine’ is just a mildly funny, yet overly unimpressive look at the modern American family, yet ‘The Illusionist’ bowls over the audience with…oh, who am I kidding. I just love Jessica Biel.
Monday, February 26, 2007
JBorhood Oscar Recap 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
News and Notes - February 22, 2007
Aloha friends and JBors, this week's witty slice of literary euphoria, in-depth JBorhood coverage of the Oscars is postponed until Tuesday. I tried to convince "the" Academy - come now, do graduates of the Naval Academy refer to the motion picture Academy as "the" Academy? I think not. - to move the Oscars up, but much like the Anheuser Marketing department, they were not swayed by my request. Due to their inflexibility, the J-Borhood Oscar Spectacu-LAR (much more fun when you say it that way), will hit the streets on Tuesday. You have been warned.
With all the extra free time you have with no article to read, take a few minutes and sign up for the JBorhood Fantasy Baseball Smackdown '07. Years later, you'll be able to say to your kids, "the Almighty J beat the pants of me in fantasy baseball." You can't put a price on that.
You can sign up by clicking on this link: JOIN THE LEAGUE NOW
On the other hand, if you like doing things the hard way, browse to the Yahoo Fantasy Baseball Homepage, sign up for a custom league and enter the following information:
League ID#: 105551
Password: dolier
SEE YOU IN THE SMACKDOWN!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Super Bowl XLI: Point / Counter-Point
I’d like to provide an intelligent, insightful, objective perspective on the Super Bowl, but I can’t. The dejected Bears fan in me pukes whenever I try and praise Payton Manning. Heck, my inner fan gets nauseas just thinking about Daniel Manning. He’s even a little upset when he hears about Dakota Fanning. Even after the two week hiatus, reliving the events of 2-4 (doesn’t have quite the same ring as 9-11) is more then mildly painful. In order to get through 1000 words of torture, I’m going to channel my inner Rex Grossman and let loose a little point, counter-point I’ve dubbed, Good Justin / Bad Justin.
Good Justin:
Painful performance aside, that was the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Super Bowl. Devin Hester’s kick-off return was one of the most electric moments I’ve ever had as a fan, the defense played their hearts out, and at the end of the day, the game could not have been won by a nicer, hard working, more deserving guy then Payton Manning.
Bad Justin:
Did we watch the same game? Watching Rex Grossman crap the bed in the biggest game of his life won’t exactly go down in my Pantheon of all time greatest sports moments. Aside from the brief moment of Hester-mania, the Bears we’re thoroughly whipped on all sides of the ball and didn’t look like they belonged on the same field as the Colts. The defense was utterly overmatched by Payton Manning and the Colts Juggernaut. In the words of my brother Jordan, “it looked like Payton Manning was speaking Greek, and Brian Urlacher only understood English.”
Good Justin:
Over matched? The defense was on the field for the entire game. At half time the Bears had only run 19 plays to the Colts 46! Even though the Bears offense struggled to get things started, the Bears we’re still within five points with possession of the ball to begin the fourth quarter. That’s amazing.
Bad Justin:
Amazing? The only thing amazing about the Bears defense was their inability to adjust their game plan. After Payton Manning tossed his foolish opening quarter interception, he only attempted one more deep pass, and only when the guy covering the wide receiver fell down. Yet, somehow the Bears continued to play their safeties 40 yards deep and let Payton Manning through 2 million dump passes to his running backs, which all went for 10 yards or more. It‘s like when you play your buddy in Madden, and you keep running the same play over and over (which usually ends in swearing, thrown controllers, and/or physical violence). I’m sure if we could have seen the press box, we would have seen Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera screaming and tossing his controller down in disgust.
Good Justin:
There was nothing else the defense could have done. WE WE’RE PLAYING PEYTON MANNING, who could end up being the Michael Jordan of football.
Bad Justin:
If you EVER, compare Peyton Manning to Michael Jordan again I will beat the thunder out of you.
Good Justin:
Easy there big fellah, I’m just saying that we lost to a great one, perhaps, time will say THE great one. Seriously, the guy completed two thirds of his passes in the pouring rain!
Bad Justin:
So what? Rex Grossman completed 70% of his passes “in the pouring rain”.
Good Justin:
Seriously?
Bad Justin:
Yeah.
Good Justin:
Are we sure he didn't blow the stat guy?
Bad Justin:
Aren’t you supposed to be the Good Justin?
Good Justin:
Right. Sorry.
All I was trying to say is that the Bears lost to one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Furthermore the Colts are a classy organization, Tony Dungy is a wonderful coach, and great role model, and I’m glad that Peyton Manning no longer has to answer the endless stream of “can’t win the big one” comments. I find it hard to hate the Colts.
Bad Justin:
You don’t have to hate the Colts to be disgusted by the way the Bears played and the coaching staff performed. What make me crazy is that the Colts won for one simple reason. They realized it was raining.
In the rain, the one thing you can’t do is throw the deep ball. The rain prevents a quarterback from tightly gripping the football, alters the spiral of the ball, and makes the ball fall a few yards short on long passes. Balls that feel perfectly thrown, end up falling comically short (see Grossman’s interception, which the Colts returned for a touchdown). In the beginning of the game, the Colts attempted one long pass, which Charles Tillman promptly intercepted. After that, the Colts were content to throw dump passes and run the football. Exactly what you should do in the rain. On the other side of the field, the Bears, a team built to run the ball and control the clock, remained determined to ride Grossman’s “fuck it, I’m throwing it deep” attitude, regardless of circumstance.
For example, trailing 22-17, the Bears have the ball on their 45 yard line. It’s second and one, and two plays prior, Thomas Jones ran for 15 yards. Do the Bears use their overwhelming size advantage on the Offensive line, run the ball, keep the chains moving and give their Defense a rest? No, they split Thomas Jones out wide and have Grossman attempt to chuck a deep ball. Not to be outdone, Grossman trips on himself and the Bears lose 11 yards. (Comical side note: Grossman tripping on himself is credited as a sack by Anthony McFarland. Years from now Anthony aka Booger McFarland can tell his kids he got a sack in the Super Bowl. He'll probably leave out the quaterback tripping over himself part.) Rather then relying on their strength, the Bears decide to defy convention and continue to throw in the rain.
Next, flash forward to the fourth quarter. Defying logic and a few laws of physics, the Bears are only down 5 points. After gaining 6 yards on first down, Grossman decides it’s in the best interest of the team to fire a 30 yard pass off his back foot into triple coverage. The pass - of course - falls five yards shy of the target and the Colts intercept it, return it for a touchdown, and begin their Super Bowl Celebration.
It’s sad, but even though they were thoroughly outplayed, out hustled, out coached, and vastly over matched at the most important position, if the Bears had simply adjusted to the rain, we’d still be talking about Peyton Manning as the next Dan Marino.
Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in the kitchen crying with a bottle of Scotch.
Good Justin:
Well, at least Baseball Season starts in two weeks!
Bad Justin:
We’re Cubs fans.
Good Justin:
...
Got an extra glass?
Parting Shots:
A rational person – let’s be honest, if you were rational you wouldn’t read the JBorhood – would have said that Dennis Green’s (the then coach of the Arizona Cardinals) tirade after losing to the Bears on Monday Night Football, would have been the greatest sports tirade for years to come. But sports is not rational (that’s why I write about it!). Enter Dan Hawkins, football coach of the Colorado Buffaloes. He left Boise State last year, where his team lost 10 games in 5 years. This year, Colorado lost 10 games in one season, and Boise State won a BCS game, in what critics are calling one of the most exciting college football games of all time. Understandably, he’s upset. On Wednesday, he went on ESPN and responded to an anonymous letter from a parent, decrying the lack of a third week of summer vacation for her son.
I started having Howard Dean flashbacks. I’m just surprised he didn’t end it with “And then we’re going to go to Texas, and then we’re going to go to Nebraska, and then we’re going to go to Oklahoma, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ha!”. He gets special JBorhood props for throwing in the Hulk Hogan-esqe “brother”. An instant classic.
For good times sake, here are Dennis Green’s and Howard Dean’s memorable moments:
Denny
Howie
Last, but certainly not least, you know the Cubs season has officially started, when Kerry Wood slips in his hot tub and injures himself.
Ciao, JWonder
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Super Bowl Commercial Redux 2007
The sting of last Sunday’s game is still fresh in my mind and writing an analysis of this loss is about as fun as watching Rex Grossman throw into triple coverage in the rain. I need to wait a week for the pain to subside before I can adequately summarize my thoughts (Payton Manning is amazing), analysis (Why did the Bears continue to throw downfield in a downpour?), and emotions (%*&#!!!). In the mean time, here is a recap of the Top 25 most memorable (read: best, worst, and most bizarre) moments from Madison Avenue’s marketing mavens.
Allow me to present the annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Commercial Redux
Rex Grossman Division
These commercials were the only thing that came close to rivaling Rex for worst performance of the Super Bowl. Watching them again actually made me feel better after the depressing game. Sort of a misery loves company appeal.
25. The Flomax Add!
I don’ t know about you, but reminders about declining prostate health are not what I want to see when I’m watching the Super Bowl. When I’m watching these ads, I can’t help but wonder, how do they convince the actors to film the commercial? How do their kids explain to their friends that their daddy has trouble urinating?
I’ve refrained from including the actual advertisement here. Trust me. You’re better off not watching it.
24. Salesgenie.com
What does it say about your companies marketing department when your ad is worse these every other commercial except for the one about prostate health? I don’t think one person in the country watched this ad and thought, “I have GOT to check out Salesgenie.com after the game.” For those of you unfortunate enough to have stock in this company, I'd suggest you short it while you still can.
23. Heart Association
I watched this bizarre succession of villains continuously pummel the guy in the heart suit and kept waiting for a superhero dressed in Phizer-branded tights to jump in and save the day. But it never happened.
This add is a painfully long beat down of a poor man in a heart suit. They might as well have called it “The Passion of the Heart”.
“Can I have my 2.6 Million dollars back?” Division
These ads fell utterly flat on the advertisings biggest stage. You could almost hear the CEO’s screaming into their phones as they fired their Marketing departments.
22. Schick Quattro
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: You don’t talk about Super Bowl Ads. Oh, sorry. Wrong rules.
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: Never show an old advertisement! It’s like taking a girl out on a second date and going to the same movie. It’s just poor form. This moderately funny Schick Quattro retread has been playing during football games all season long and I’m still using my Mach-3.
21. Revlon – Sheryl Crow
After watching this strange add, which assumes that you’ll use Revlon’s hair coloring product because Sheryl Crow used it, much to the chagrin of her effeminate hair stylist, my wife said “I’m embarrassed to be a woman.”
20. GM – Suicidal Robot
I wish I could have been privy to the conversation in which a GM marketing executive convinced the marketing team to feature an add about a robot committing suicide. What’s the message here? GM hates robots? This add made me want to cry, not go out and buy a car. At the very least an ad should improve customers attitudes toward your company, not make them want to join anti-robot cruelty organization.
Say What? Division
These ads had promising ideas, but left the viewers more confused then interested. (Not unlike the Bears coaching moves in the Super Bowl, but I digress…)
19. GoDaddy.com - Marketing Department
I’m still not entirely convinced that a website whose target market is 20-something computer nerds, has any business making a television advertisement, let alone one that costs over two million dollars. GoDaddy.com has certainly raised brand awareness with their 30 second soft core porn films, but I can’t imagine it reflects positively on the bottom line. I’m convinced the CEO makes the ads just so he can write off his strip club bills. Anyhow, this year’s ad fell short of previous attempts at humor. If you’re really interested in this genre, I recommend “Red Shoe Diaries”.
18. Budweiser – Jay – Z vs. Don Shula
Jay-Z has street cred, Shula has the rings, the futuristic football game is cool, and the ad is for beer. Seems like a sure fire recipe for success. But then some wise guy, thought Jay-Z should out coach Don Shula. I’ll give well deserved props to the Jigga-man for tagging Beyonce and writing “99 Problems”, but lord have mercy, you don’t out coach the legend. Especially when the Super Bowl is in Miami.
Super Bowl Halftime Show Division
A little something for everyone here. The Super Bowl Halftime show is always entertaining, and this years show was no different. Prince gave a commanding presence in the rain and these ads made you laugh, cry, and cheer, but if you missed either, you didn’t miss that much.
17. Pride Trailer
This ad did a great job of capitalizing on the African-American pride undertones of the Super Bowl and I’m positively giddy about the prospects of watching Tom Arnold play a racist swimming coach, but have we really exhausted every sporting movie angle to the point that we’re forced to make movies about swimming?
16. Budweiser – Every dog has his day
The first of Budweiser’s staggering number of quality ads strikes just the right chord with the audience. What can I say? I’m a sucker for dogs.
15. FedEx – Moon Office
FedEx set the bar high with last year’s tour-de-force set of caveman commercials. This year’s Super Bowl ad didn’t quite resonate the way last year’s did, but it managed to deliver some last minute hysterics.
14. Doritos – Check Me Out Lady
The ad itself is not among the elite, but the check out lady gives a command performance that could be denied.
Bears Defense Division
Much like the Bears vaunted Defense, these ads had clear potential and certainly held their own, but ultimately failed to match up with the best of the best. They deserved to be here, but fell a step below their counterparts.
13. Snapple Green Tea – Secret of the Tea
This spot earns a spot on this list because it put a smile on my face in the midst of the 4th quarter meltdown.
12. Taco Bell – Carne Asada Lions
It tastes better when you say carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrne.
11. Doritios – The Crash
The first half of the ad left me shaking my head, but the pure low-brow aesthetic of a beautiful woman falling on her face cannot be denied.
Devin Hester Division
I still haven’t figured out why teams insist on kicking to Devin Hester. Let me make things really clear: Yes, he is that fast. No, you should not kick to him. It really is that simple.
These ads followed the blueprint of the Bears human highlight film. They were ready for prime time and left a solid lasting impression.
10. FedEx – Aptly Named
This quirky, subtle ad rounds makes the top ten for its bold originality, constant humor, and winning finish. True Super Bowl material.
9. Emerald Nuts – Beware of Robert Goulet
If you told me that an add for nuts featuring a 73 year old French Canadian singer would rank in my top 10, I would have called you crazy. Crazy or not, this ad is comedy.
8. Nationwide Insurance – KFed
Make fun of Kevin Federline all you want. The truth of the matter is that he’s an ugly, no talent, deadbeat dancer, who’s rich, famous, starring in Super Bowl ads, and collecting alimony from Brittney Spears. That’s borderline J-Borhood Hall of Fame material.
Anheuser-Busch Division
Either Anheuser-Busch – still the hardest Brewery to spell in the entire world – pays their Marketing department really well, or it’s really easy to create beer commercials. Either way, the makers of Bud and Bud Light continued their utter domination of Super Sunday advertising. Now if they’d only apply these same talents to marketing King Cobra…
7. Bud Light – Auctioneer Wedding
Other marketing people must get jealous of the people who make beer commercials. While they do extensive market research to determine the most effective way to develop a strong brand and communicate a palatable and memorable message to their target demographic, beer commercial creators get to make slapstick jokes about rushing through a wedding so the beer doesn’t get cold. Life just isn’t fair.
6. Bud Light – The Hitchhiker
Original. Wacky. Superb ending. A quintessential beer commercial.
5. Budweiser – Rock, paper, scissors
I’ll know that I’ve truly become an adult when watching someone get hit in the face with a rock stops being funny. (Note: It hasn’t happened yet.)
4. Bud Light – English Class
Cedric the Entertainer made a name for himself in “The Original Kings of Comedy”, but his series of Bud Light advertisement cameos made him a star. I’ve never been a huge fan of Carlos Mencia’s hit-you-over-the-head-with-caustic-racial-remarks style, but it looks like Bud Light’s done it again. This commercial strikes a perfect blend of Carlos’s aggressive style and classic Bud Light slapstick.
3. Bud Light – Fist Bump
Once again, I think I could watch guys slap each other in the face all day. This hits every target demographic with its raucous cacophony of increasingly hilarious “new fist bumps.”. Timely, funny, and light hearted. It epitomizes true Super Bowl humor.
Payton Manning Division
These ads threw proverbial bullet passes with their proverbial “laser-rocket arms”. They knew when to pass, when to throw, took risks when they had to, and thoroughly out performed their counterparts on the biggest stage. These ads left everyone at the Official J-Borhood Super Bowl party laughing long after they were over. Truly deserving champions.
2. Sprint Broadband – Connectile Dysfunction
This ad succeeded for every reason that the Flomax ad failed. It recognized the unintentional comedy of all the uncomfortable public discussion about erectile dysfunction, prostate, and irritable bowel syndrome and capitalized in a novel and original way. A potentially contentious choice for number two on the list, but its comedic subtlety made it a total sleeper hit, true J-Borhood style.
1. Snickers – Brokeback Mechanics
The fact that this ad has already been pulled from television says enough. It’s edgy, unsettling, and completely un-PC, but it took a giant risk and totally delivered. It has received media scrutiny and a large amount of public backlash, but it provides a raw hilarity that no other can commercial touched on Sunday. The J-Borhood Super Bowl party crowd broke into unparalleled levels of laughter during this spot. Love it or hate it. You can’t deny it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!
It's been more then ten months since the last Extravaganza! here in the J-Borhood and that is crazy, borderline dangerous. In fact if you've felt moody, depressed, irritable lately or suffered from insomnia, itching, burning, joint pain, syphilis or rectal bleeding recently I would attribute it to to a severe lack of Extravaganzas! in your life, for which I apologize. (Actually, if you've suffered any of the aforementioned symptoms I would attribute it to depression, poison oak, arthritis, or sexual promiscuity and recommend seeking professional medical assitance, but stay with me for humor's sake.) For those of you who are new to the J-Borhood, you may not understand the importance of an Extravaganza! An Extravaganza! takes an ordinary event -- or in my case an extraordinary event -- and instantly makes it special. Memorable. Nigh historical. I've been to shindigs, events, ordeals, hooplas, hootenannies, and hoe downs and none of them come close to the all encompassing excitement of an Extravaganza! Maybe it's the capitalized e and the exclamation point, but something about an Extravaganza! transcends normalcy and instantly catapults you into the realm of epic.
Don't believe me? Let's take a look at an example.
I made a number of banners, which commemorate the Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! (That name is ridiculously long, but A.J.S.B.P.E sounds stupid). For the sake of discussion, I renamed the event on certain banners to test the effect of different event names.
Example 1: No name
BORING. As you can see, the lack of a name really hinders this banner. It's plain and ugly. Certainly not something any of our illustrious readers would ever attend voluntarily.
Example 2: Celebration
Certainly an improvement over the non-named event, but still a little bourgeois. It lacks the panache of an "ordeal", "par-tay" or "happenstance".
Example 3: Fiesta
We're getting somewhere. I have a strange desire to yell Ole!, but it's still a little weird
Example 4: Extravaganza!
Bingo. It's classy, stylish and exciting. Truly J-Borhood-esque.
Now do you see? An Extravaganza! is truly a peerless event. If we can't celebrate an Extravaganza! every six months or less, then what's the point of the J-Borhood? I'm somewhat embarrassed that it has been that long since we've all Extravaganzaed together, so let's not waste any more time. Sit back, relax, grab an ice cold beer, glass of wine, shot of whiskey, Oakland Martini, or all of the above and let's start Extravaganzizing!
Super Bowl Humor
Q: What do you call 10 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys and 10 girls sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A great Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys, 25 girls, 3 strippers, 2 kegs, 8 bottle of Jack Daniels and a sheep sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: The J-Borhood Super Bowl Party (An Extravaganza! is an acceptable answer)
Q: What do you call 52 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
Q: What's the difference between the Indianapolis Colts and a Dollar Bill?
A: The dollar is good for 4 Quarters!
It's not exactly a joke, but this account of Bears linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer's run in with a European reporter is classic unintentional comedy. Read the account here.
Postulation, Pondering and Prognostication or "How I vainly attempted to set aside my blinding favoritism and objectively analyze the game."
This year brings us Super Bowl XLI (or Super Bowl 41 for those of you aren't familiar with the Romans), which I view as a another missed opportunity for all malt liquor manufacturers. After missing last year's slam dunk opportunity to roll out commemorative Super Bowl 40's for Super Bowl 40, I thought the World's producers of fine malt beverages would see the error of their ways and roll out the special edition 41 ounce bottles in time for Super Bowl 41. (Like you wouldn't buy one?) I've written to Anheuser-Busch -- the hardest Brewery to spell in the world. Anheuser's ego be damned, just change your name to Busch Breweries already -- two years in a row, but both times they've told me that they do all their marketing work in house and do not listen to outside input, "no matter how brilliant". (Ok, I made that last part up.) Sadly, malt liquor marketing departments are run by plodding, unimaginative dolts who lack the basic creativity of John Shoop. (I apologize. For the most part, I try to avoid obscure sports references here on the J-Borhood to prevent myself from alienating the vast majority of readers, who have better things to do then analyze the average passing efficiency of Detroit Lions back-up quarterbacks in the 70's. However, in this case, I couldn't help taking a verbal salvo at the worst offensive coordinator in Bears history. John Shoop led an offense that consisted of two plays: Run up the middle and 3 yard pass. He was terrible. Anyhow, sorry for wasting your time to make a joke that two people -- myself included -- enjoyed. For those of you still reading -- really? no one? -- we now return to our regularly schedule reading.)
Missed marketing opportunities aside, the real focus of this week is a classic match up between the Unstoppable Force (Indianapolis Colts) and the Immovable Object (Chicago Bears). The old adage holds that "Defense Wins Championships", but most experts believe that the Colts should easily dispatch the Bears. The prevailing opinion is that the disparity between Payton Manning's laser rocket arm and Rex "Hide the Women and Children" Grossman will ultimately be too much for the Bears to overcome. Truth be told, I'm not sure what to think. My opinion about this game has vacillated more then John Kerry's political positions. On one hand, I think the sheer athleticism and uncanny discipline of the Bears defense could help them rattle and confuse Payton Manning. On the other hand, the Colts offense is an absolute juggernaut and Payton Manning could have a Hall-of-Fame type game as the Colts on a steamroll the Bears. As my younger brother said, "If the Colts can pick off Grossman before the Bears get a first down, game over, but if the Bears score first, game over." Bottom line: There are too many variables in this game. In situations such as these, I'm forced to resort to my inner Jack Bauer: When in doubt, cut somebody's arm off. No, wait. That's a little drastic. Maybe I should break down the game a little more. (I gotta stop watching 24 or someone is going to get hurt!)
Super Bowl XLI: The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
The media -- as those pesky medias tend to do -- has oversimplified this game. They have characterized it as a match up between the two quarterbacks, Payton Manning vs. Rex Grossman. Often time that makes sense, because of the importance of a Quarterback to his football team. In this case, however, it obfuscates other equally important aspects of this football game. The Bears did not get to the Super Bowl because Rex "OMG! WTF!" Grossman is a great Quarterback. (Hint: He's not.) They got to this point because they have the most well rounded football team in the NFL. They have a superb running game, an amazing defense, a Pro Bowl kicker, the best coverage units in the NFL, and the most exciting return man in NFL history. The Bears can score on offense, defense and special teams, which makes them extremely dangerous and difficult to defend. As they have repeatedly shown, Rex Grossman does not have to have an amazing game for the Bears to win.
But the Colts are dangerous. VERY dangerous. They have incredible team speed, which allows them to get receivers open, spread the field for their running game, and allows their undersized defense to swarm to the ball. The teams that have beat the Colts have been able to neutralize their speed with a combination of power running, physical defenses, and -- the X-factor -- natural grass. That's right, natural grass. All of the Colts losses came on the road, against teams -- Dallas, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston -- whose stadiums feature natural grass. What, pray tell, is the surface at Dolphin Stadium in Miami? None other then natural grass. The Colts offense is precision and speed based. Even their new found running game relies heavily on spread sets and stretch plays, designed to spread out the defense and find creases on the outside. The Colts dangerous pass rushers rely on their speed to attack slower, stronger offensive lineman. On the season the Colts had 25 sacks. In their four losses on natural grass, they had 2. That includes one game against the-human-sack-machine David Carr, who's been sacked over 100 times in the past two years! On turf their team flies all over the field. On grass they can be overpowered.
The "experts" say that the Bears won't be able to keep up with Payton Manning and the Colts offense. These same "experts" seem to forget that the Colts and the Bears both averaged the same number of points (26.7 per game) in the regular season. The Colts scored more with their offense, whereas the Bears relied on their defense and special teams to make up the difference. At the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling that this Super Bowl reminds me of 2002, when a ragtag group of scrappy upstarts disrupted a flashy offensive juggernaut with a physical, disciplined defense and smart, conservative offensive football.
Two weeks ago I announced that the Patriots were the new Yankees. I'm here to announce that the Chicago Bears are the new Patriots.
Bears win on a Robbie Gould field goal as time expires: Bears 27, Colts 24.
GO BEARS!