JBorhood Oscar Recap 2007

Can someone please tell me how Ellen DeGeneres is sleeping with Portia DeRossi? Is it her sense of humor? Her love of boxed Chardonnay? The fact those both of their names start with De. I mean, I’m funny, I like boxed wine and my last name starts with D’. Does that get me in the conversation?

I’m not entirely convinced that Peter O’Toole lived to watch the presentation of the Best Picture award.

I know she walked out with the new James Bond, Daniel Craig, but when did Nicole Kidman start looking like a bond girl? Congratulations to anyone who bet on Kidman getting the better of the Cruise-Kidman split.

Speaking of gambling, what are the odds that, 6 years after the 2000 Presidential Election, George Bush would be demonized world wide, while Al Gore would be cracking “My fellow American” jokes with Leonardo DiCaprio on stage at the Oscars, celebrating his Oscar winning documentary? 100,000:1? 1 million to 1? Hell, if Gore had showed a smidgeon of that charisma during his run for President he would have won by a landslide…

Personally, my favorite Al Gore moment was when the director of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ had Gore’s arm in a death grip after winning the Oscar for Best Documentary. For a second, I though Gore was going to punch him.

I said it last year and I have to say it again. Jack Nicholson is, hands down, the coolest man alive. And it’s not even close. He’s almost 70 years old and he came to Oscar’s rocking the exact same look as Djimon Honsou, down to the Persol shades and bald head. You’re making the JBorhood Hall of Fame proud Mr. Nicholson.

Did anyone else find it hysterical that Forest Whitaker used the EXACT framework for an Oscar acceptance speech that Ellen DeGeneres joked about to start the show? He started off saying he never thought he’d ever win (#1), talked about growing up in a car (#2), and coming from a famously underprivileged area (South Central LA, #3). Couldn’t have scripted it any better.

Speaking of Forest Whitaker, when I saw his clip I was blown away by his unbelievable acting job. When I saw his incredible facial expression, where he made his right eye twice as wide as his left, I figured he had to win. Then I saw him give his acceptance speech, and though to myself, oh…his right eye is twice as his left….My bad.

Watching Jada Pinkett and Will Smith light up when their son Jaden presented the awards for Best Short Films was wonderful. It is so nice to see a happy Hollywood family. It’s easy to look at the utter madness of the Brittany Spears and Jessica Simpsons of the world and forget about the families that actually make it work.. A special JBorhood salute to the Smith family.

1st thought when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Wow!
2nd though when watching the Hollywood Chorale Sound Effects Choir: Is this really their full time job?

Is there anyway we can get Hollywood actors to deliver the acceptance speeches for non-acting winners? At this point, it would take a significant amount of evidence to convince me that Best Sound Editing winner, Alan Robert Murray is not a robot. For the love of God, it’s called inflection. Use it.

Are we entirely sure that Martin Scorsese and Dennis Hopper are different people?

Speaking of which, is Cameron Diaz trying to look like Maggie Gyllnhall or vice versa? Someone please tell me they share the same plastic surgeon.

Gotta say, it looked like Ben Affleck’s dog had just died. It’s called a smile, Ben. Use it.

Did William Monahan, the writer of ‘The Departed’ screenplay and Oscar winner, really say that he was inspired to become a screenwriter by ‘Lawrence of Arabia’? I watched that movie with my Mom over spring break when I was 5 year old. We didn’t finish until Easter. When I was 7.

Some helpful advice for Cate Blanchett and Reese Witherspoon. It’s called a fork. Use it occasionally.

Speaking of Reese Witherspoon, did her Oscar come with a complementary chin job?

Why is it that the winners of the Best Foreign Film always seem to go crazy on stage? Is this somehow related to why Mexican soccer announcers scream so much?

Eat your heart out Simon Cowell. Three years after he told Jennifer Hudson she’d “never make it in this industry”, she wins an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress and then throws down an amazing performance on stage with Beyonce? Can we get a written apology?

Raise your hand if, five years ago, you thought think Jerry Seinfeld would become painfully unfunny while Dane Cook and Jim Gaffigan were selling out arenas across the country.

What do we have to do before we can get some sideline reporters at the Oscars?

I’m pretty sure Melissa Ethridge thanked her wife and her wife’s four kids at the Oscars and it didn’t seem weird at all. Furthermore, in the past month, an African American coach won the Super Bowl, a woman became the presidential favorite, and a lesbian hosted the Oscars. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there America.

Does the Academy keep Jodie Foster in a cryogenic chamber between awards shows? She looks about as old now as she did in Taxi Driver...

George Lucas’s hair looks like the love child of Don King’s fro and Donald Trump toupee.

Can someone please tell me why they give the Best Picture Oscar to the movie’s producer(s)? Seriously, if Scorsese hadn’t won Best Director I think he might have stabbed Graham King in the heart with the Best Picture award.

Last, but certainly not least, I cannot justifiably believe that ‘Babel’ and ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ were better movies then ‘The Illusionist’. ‘Babel’ is a three hour kick in the stomach and ‘Sunshine’ is just a mildly funny, yet overly unimpressive look at the modern American family, yet ‘The Illusionist’ bowls over the audience with…oh, who am I kidding. I just love Jessica Biel.