What up J-bors and J-bettes!
As many of you know, I had a contest a while back challenging any reader to name a professional golfer not named Annika, Michelle, or Morgan without the aid of an outside references. If a reader successfully named one, I promised to write one of my award winning (EIC: Is this false advertising?) blogs on the topic of their choosing. In response to my challenge, J-Bor Matthew Kolsky of Evanston, Illinois correctly named Se Ri “Twelve” Pak, and chose the topic which now graces the page: 10 Reasons Why the White Sox will repeat as World Series Champions. While the Cubs fan in me suffered through the slings and arrows of outrageous request, I honored my word and came up with the following 10 reasons.
Reason #1: They signed Jim Thome
Many teams are overwhelmed by the emotional aspects of winning the World Series and decide to keep the winning team intact instead of focusing on repairing any problems. Fans appreciate this behavior because they are still enveloped in the euphoria of victory, but it often leads to a disappointing next season because the problems come back to haunt them. Too often, the rose colored glasses of a championship prevent a team from objectively filling needs. Luckily for White Sox fans, general manager Ken Williams acted quickly to fill the biggest pressing need of the White Sox: An Aging, Injured Slugger. The White Sox lost iconic slugger Frank Thomas this off-season and didn’t have any washed up retreads in the farm system that could adequately fill the role of the veteran injured player. Without wasting any time, Williams shipped popular center fielder Aaron Rowand and two stud pitching prospects to the Phillies for Jim Thome – a player best known for his stellar work during the 90’s. A number of local sports writers applauded the bravado of the move, most notable Rick Morrissey who said, “Ken Williams made the best move of the off-season by far! After Moneyball came out, everyone has realized that having one of the best defensive center fielders in the game is far less important then having an old immobile strike out machine that knows how to take a walk!” Fellow columnist Mike Downey seconded the praise saying, “Thome will add a great veteran presence to the Training Room.” With Jim Thome leading the cheering section from the dugout and helping the young players learn how to deal with career ending injuries in a graceful fashion, the White Sox are clearly on the fast track back to the Series.
Reason #2: They added Javier Vazquez
The White Sox won the World Series last year on the back of their pitching staff and they continued to build their team in this mold with the acquisition of former Yankee pitcher Javier Vazquez – best know for lasting only 2 innings in game 7 of the Yankees historic collapse to the Boston Red Sox in 2004. Vazquez is a big name pitcher who completely collapses under pressure, which will help him with the White Sox who face little pressure due to their relative anonomnimity in the city of Chicago – where they are the third most popular team in a state with only two teams (In a recent poll the Milwaukee Brewers edged the White Sox with 6 votes to the Sox 5. The Cubs came in first with 7,459,088 votes). The White Sox are extremely optimistic about Vazquez brining his career losing record to the South Side of Chicago. Ken Williams was glowing about his stellar move and pointed out the auxiliary benefits that a player of Javier’s caliber will bring to the club. Williams said “His ability to surrender the long ball, which I’ll have you know has either stayed the same or gone up every year, will definitely increase by playing in one of best home run parks in the league. This will vastly increase our revenue by bringing in more opposing fans!”
Reason #3: They upgraded the shortstop position with Alex Cintron
Last year the White Sox had to suffer through the anemic production of Juan Uribe at shortstop. His .305 on-base percentage was atrocious and his slugging percentage was a laughable .412. In yet another in a series of bold moves, Ken Williams brought in Alex Cintron to replace the “Caribbean Cancer”. Cintron out-slugged Uribe .415 to .412 last year and replaces Uribe's sad on-base percentage with a striking (only in comparison) .320 career percentage. This quantum leap forward will account for approximately 3 more runs during the course of the season, which should almost account for Cintron’s sub-par defense. Though some pundits feel that Cintron is not an upgrade at all, his supporters point out that he also would have been able to reach first base on an error like Uribe did to win game two of the Division series against Boston.
Reason #4: They still have Ace Jon Garland
As any White Sox fan will tell you, it is totally normal to suffer through mediocrity for five years and then miraculously turn in to one of the best pitchers in the league. Though most typical great pitchers take three years to learn how to fully adapt to the Major Leagues, there is nothing strange about a pitcher who takes six; some pitchers are just late bloomers. Jon Garland didn’t do anything different this past year, no new pitches, no change in delivery, but he definitely got better. His ERA was more then a point lower then his career ERA and his WHIP, which had never dipped below an atrocious 1.37, dropped to an astounding 1.17. Most “statisticians” will say that the past year was a “statistical anomaly” and that his numbers are most likely to “revert to the mean”, but as anyone can see, Jon Garland is a different pitcher and he is here to stay.
Reason #5: They play in the AL Central
Making the playoffs is very hard in Major League Baseball. Unlike the NBA, which seemingly lets every team with a .500 record or somewhat-marketable star participate, only a select few teams get to participate in the playoffs in baseball. In order to qualify for the MLB playoffs, you have to win your division or have the best record of any team that doesn’t win their division. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of the best teams in the league, only that you’re better then the other teams in your division. This is great for the White Sox because they get to cruise in the pathetic AL Central instead of having to contend in the heated AL West – a talent laden division with three powerful teams – or the AL East – a dominating conference with four teams (Yankees, Red Sox, Blue Jays, Orioles) that are better then the White Sox. Furthermore, thanks to the brilliant move by Bud Selig – the man who brought you the tie game in the All-Star game – teams play an unbalanced schedule with more games against teams in their division, which allows the White Sox to further exploit the lack of competitive balance. While the Yankees have to slug it out with the powerhouse Red Sox, up and coming Blue Jays, the revitalized Leo Mazzone pitching staff of the Orioles, and the young and dangerous Devil Rays (isn’t that name just scary?) the White Sox get to win veritable tee-ball games against the Detroit “At least we only lost the SECOND most games in history” Tigers, Minnesota “Can you believe we won the division 3 years in a row with no talent?” Twins, and the Cleveland “We were last good when Thome was” Indians. As all Sox fans know from last year, all you need to do is make the playoffs and then you can rely on fluke errors and terrible calls to help you win the big one. That leads me to my next reason…
Reason #6: Doug Eddings is still an Umpire
All hail the venerable Doug Eddings, the man solely responsible for the White Sox World Series Championship. For those of you not familiar with the events surrounding what is being called “the worst call in the history of the playoffs in any sport”, Doug Eddings called White Sox catcher AJ Pierzinski out on strikes with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning in game 2 of the AL Championship Series staking the Angels to an almost insurmountable 2 games to 0 lead in the ALCS and most likely sent them to the World Series. However, in an attempt to make his name synonymous with other major sports gaffes like the Colorado Buffalo’s mysterious 5th down, and the Soviet basketball team's phantom added time against the United States in the Olympics, Eddings decided to say that his out call wasn’t really an out call (it was), that Angels catcher Josh Paul dropped the ball (he didn’t), and that the Angels had not won the game (they did). The White Sox came back to win the game in extra innings and ride the ensuing momentum to the World Series championship. Since Eddings is somehow still employed by Major League Baseball, we know that anything is possible. Here’s hoping lightning strikes twice. (To read more about the fabulous work of Doug Eddings, please view the informative web site http://dougeddingsisadouche.blogspot.com/.)
Reason #7: They have the most devoted fans in baseball
They may not draw the biggest crowds in the country, they may not even draw the biggest crowds in their own city – a distinction owned by the Cubs – in fact, they may not even draw a bigger crowd then Northwestern Women’s softball, but those 385 devoted zealots are some of the best fans in baseball. Now I know that some of you are saying, “Justin, that’s ridiculous. The White Sox don’t have any fans,” which is why I came prepared with some evidence. In 2002 two “devoted” White Sox fans felt that the opposing first base coach was an evil bastard who hung out with “colored’s” and rushed on to the field to teach him a lesson. The father and son tag team combo savagely beat the helpless coach until the stadium security – which was busy watching the Cubs game on TV – could pull them off and arrest them. If you need further proof, let me provide a little anecdotal evidence. As I was flying back to Hawaii from California I was sitting next to a young Army man from Alabama named JaThon who was donning a White Sox cap. I asked him how long he’d been a Sox fan and he said “I’m not. But it’s a wicked logo.” Clearly White Sox fever has swept the country.
Reason #8: They have a cool logo
As evidenced by my enlightening encounter with JaThon, the White Sox have a “wicked” awesome logo. The stark contrast of the black and white and the defining old English letters look very stylish. Furthermore, if you look closely, the ‘X’ sticks up into the ‘O’ making it look more like an ‘E’ which in turn spells ‘Sex’. This incredible logo, and the Sox somewhat marginal popularity help drive a merchandising machine which allow the Sox to generate enough revenue to pay for the type of broken down (See #1), washed up (See #1 and #2), and mediocre players (See #3) which will help lead them to another title.
Reason #9: They are only the second most popular baseball team in Chicago
At first glance, this does not seem like a compelling reason that the Sox will win another World Series. In order to understand why it is, you need to think like a true champion. You need to think like a New England Patriot. The New England Patriots have had an unprecedented amount of success in the National Football League. Led by modern day icon Tom Brady, the Patriots have won 3 Super Bowls in the last 5 years, during which time they have a playoff record of 11-1. This unrelenting success would not have been possible without Coach Bill Belicheck’s amazing motivational tactics. Even though the Patriots have been the most respected and revered team of the last five years, Bill always manages to find a way in which the Patriot’s have been “disrespected”. Whether it’s the hotel forgetting to put a mint on Tom Brady’s gilded pillow or Vegas only giving the Patriots a +21 point spread, Belicheck finds a way to get Patriots fired up to earn respect. Similarly, outspoken manager Ozzie Guillen uses this tactic to motive the White Sox. He trumpeted the lack of respect the Sox received all year and used that as a motivational tool to raise a bunch of “no talent retreads” (quoting myself there) into World Series champions. So while it may have been disheartening that the Sox drew less fans for their Championship parade then the Cubs did in their home loss to the Brewers, don’t worry Sox fans, that’s just more disrespect!
Reason #10: The Cubs won’t win the World Series
If the past 98 years have taught us anything, it’s that nothing is certain except death, taxes, and the Cubs losing. Their continued futility has become the stuff of legend. With them out of the picture, this successfully narrows the field from 31 other teams competing for the World Series to only 30, which is a nice round number. So while throngs of Cubs fans flock to Wrigley field for sun, fun, and continual agony, those 385 faithful South Siders will watch another improbable Sox run to glory.
[Finally, I’d like to direct you to NBC’s website to view last Saturday’s hysterical SNL skit “Lazy Sunday”. If you haven’t seen it yet you are in for a treat, because you know how that I’m crazy for the cupcakes cousin!]
