Injured Reserve

Sometimes the NFL schedule makers make life difficult for us. For instance, this Monday night, they decided to pit Donovan McNabb and the Eagles – who were one miserable fourth quarter away from being undefeated – against Brett Favre and the Green Bay JC Transfers. That game just sucks. Yet, even though flaccid football farces such as this often find their way to prime time, more often then not, the schedule makers get it right. This season, they gave us the Manning Bowl, which featured enough hilarious Manning faces to last a life time. (Seriously, I could watch Payton and Eli preen and make pained grimaces for hours on end. Are you listening ESPN?) The schedule makers also hit a home run with last week’s Monday night match up between the Falcons and the Saints, the first game played in the Superdome since Hurricane Katrina. This game was the highest rated Monday night game in history and the second highest rated cable television program ever. Not to be outdone, the savvy studs behind the Sunday Night Showdown scheduled the most anticipated match up of the fledgling season this Sunday between the undefeated reigning NFC Champion Seahawks and the undefeated reigning NFC North Champion Chicago Bears [EIC: I believe the author may have just cried a little here but let's be honest, could this really last...they're from the same city as the Cubs.].

This game has all the elements of a classic showdown and could end up deciding home field advantage in the NFC playoffs. I have had this game circled on my calendar since day one, and even found myself in the odd position of cheering for the Seahawks the first week of the season during their last second win over the Lions to ensure a match-up of undefeated teams. (Don’t worry J-Bors, I’ll publish a list of acceptable scenarios for cheering for another team in a future installment, but just so you know, this minor mutiny was totally acceptable under the guidelines.) I was ready for the up and coming Bears to up and come against the best the NFC had to offer, proving to the pundit populace that they are a force with which to be reckoned. (I can hear you all shaking your heads at my phraseology, but you wouldn’t want me ending a sentence with a preposition, would you? Nah, that’s not how we roll in the J-Borhood.) Unfortunately, this pipe dream came to an abrupt end on Monday when the Seahawks announced that all world running back Shaun Alexander would not play in Sunday’s game due to a broken foot. On the surface, this sounds like great news and certainly no shock to believers of the Madden Curse – which frankly, is getting rather freaky at this point. I wonder if there’s any way I can get the Rams to sign Albert Pujols as a tight end and then convince EA Sports to put him on the cover next year. Maybe we should stop sending our dedicated soldiers to Iraq and just put Osama on the cover of Madden ‘08. – but my initial reaction was conflict. On one hand, it significantly weakened the Seahawks offense, but on the other, it put the onus to win squarely on the Bears shoulders. It removed all the pressure from the Seahawks and their fans and sets up a “Lose-Lose” situation for the Bears. It's like in the Karate Kid when Kreese tells Johnny to smash Daniels leg after the end of the round. At that point, Kreese set up Johnny to either beat the gimpy kid or gets totally embarrassed by the Crane kick. Nice work, coach. My fandom etiquette came into question as I vacillated between "Beat the gimp!" and "Pressure's on." With nowhere to turn, I decided to call Hawaii’s most rabid Bears fan, my Dad, to get his view.

JD: Dad, I just heard that Shaun Alexander broke his foot and isn’t playing on Sunday!

Dad: That’s awesome. Go Bears!

(As you can see, my Dad is clearly the voice of reason in the family...[EIC: No really, he is.])

I voiced my concerns over the potential for complacency and heightened expectations and, after 15 minutes of spirited discourse, my Dad and I agreed that the injury could end up working both for and against the Bears. To help sort out the effect we came up with five questions to clarify when to celebrate and when to fear an injury to an opposing player.

1. Was the player an emotional leader?

Football and, to a lesser extent, Basketball is an emotional endeavor. To abuse hyperbole for a moment, nothing inspires a more visceral emotional response then the loss a key team member. From the Saints venting the collective frustrations of millions of hurricane victims to the Scottish routing the English and taking back their country after William Wallace’s execution, numerous teams have ridden the surge of emotion to overcome the loss of a valuable team member. (They can take our Quarterback, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM!!! [EIC: Our illustrious author really is wearing a kilt and blue and orange war paint as he provides this emotional dissertation]) The loss of a teammate can focus a team's efforts and provide a momentary lift, allowing the team to play better then the sum of its parts. (Note: This rule does not apply in baseball due to the large number of games played. It’s never good to lose a player for 162 games, unless that player is Neifi Perez.)

2. Is there any chance of an early come back?

Nothing provides a team a bigger lift then an unexpected comeback from a player who was supposed to be injured. Think Michael Jordan dropping 38 on the Jazz while suffering from the flu or Gandalf decimating the Orc armies after falling into the abyss with the Balrog [EIC: You are such a dork]. An unexpected return from a lost player buoys the spirits of the rest of the their team to a higher level then before their departure. I don’t know why coaches don’t have their premiere players fake an injury only to make a miraculous recovery when they need it the most. Speaking of which, does anyone know Brian Urlacher’s cell number?

3. Does the game have playoff implications for your team?

Any injury which helps your team make the post season is a good thing. If Shaun Alexander got hurt before the last week of the season and the Bears needed the victory to make the postseason, I’d be dancing in the streets – which, I might add, is a scary proposition. But this game is so early in the season, that it can only cheapen the victory or rub salt in the wound of the defeat. This rule doesn’t apply if your team is so awful that the chance of a post season berth is akin to the chance of Tom Cruise staying off the cover of US Magazine for a month, which (patting myself on the back for the segue) leads me to my next question…

4. Is your team any good?

If you’re a Lions, Devil Rays, Pirates, or Hawks fan (Note: How strange is it that we can’t include Clippers fans in this list any more.? Who has a bigger identify crisis now, playoff bound Clippers fans or post-Championship Red Sox fans?) then an injury to an opposing player is reason enough to pop a cold one. When you have precious few reasons to pop a cold one, you savor every opportunity. (Note: Do you ever wonder why one’s are always cold? A frosty one is acceptable on occasion, but you never hear mention of a chilled one, a cool one or, god forbid, a warm one – with apologies to the English, of course. It truly seems that a one that is not cold, is scarcely a one at all.)

5. Is the player Brett Favre?

Any time Brett Favre gets hurt is reason to celebrate. Every time I watch Something About Mary I hope he’ll pull a hammy during that Fill Me Up Butter Cup dance sequence. My Dad keeps a special bottle of Dom in the wine cellar for just such an occasion. (Non-Bears fans, feel free to replace Brett Favre with any player who has caused you inordinate amounts of pain over numerous years. I hate Brett Favre.)

Applying these questions to Shaun Alexander’s injury we determine that:

• Shaun Alexander is not an emotional leader of the Seahawks
• Barring divine intervention, which provided a good mid-week scare, there is no chance that Alexander will play.
• The game has minor play-off implications.
• The Bears are good.
• The Favre rule does not apply.

With this in mind, I feel much better about the prospects of Shaun Alexander’s broken foot. I would still prefer that the Bears square up with the fully loaded Seattle squad, but I am not one to smack a gift horse in the ass. Hopefully, the Bears defense will flex its muscle, Sexy Rexy will continue the offensive Renaissance in Chicago, and I won’t have to hit the bottle early this Sunday.

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J-BORHOOD MONDAY NIGHT PICK-OFF 2006: Week 3

Last week the Saints came through for me in a big way. They blocked that punt two minutes into the game and the rout was on. Michael Vick looked rattled and confused by a team who stacked 8 men against the run and dared him to throw the ball. He even broke into the Michael Vick face midway through the 3^rd quarter. (If you’re unfamiliar with the Michael Vick face, it’s the look he gets when he’s had to throw the ball 20+ times in a game, one hopped his third ball of the day and cannot seem to complete a pass to save his life. He sits on the bench and sulks with this look that says “I should have been a wide receiver”. Look for it during the next Falcons blowout. It’s hilarious. I even wrote a letter to the folks at EA Sports complaining that it wasn't included in Madden '07)

Next up is the Eagles, Packers scrimmage. Luckily, I got to pick this week and I’m taking Mr. Chunky Soup and the Eagles over Brett Favre and the Replacements in a laugher.

Season Standings: All tied at 1.

Bush League

Saturday, April 29, 2006.

The day the music died (at least deep in the heart of Texas). April 29^th should have marked the dawning of the Reggie Bush era for the Houston Texans. Instead, we will always remember it as the day a team finally usurped the title of worst draft decision title holder from the Portland Trailblazers. By knockout.

22 years ago, the Trailblazers made the mistake of taking Sam Bowie ahead of soon-to-become-the-greatest-basketball-player-of-all-time, Michael Jordan. In Portland’s defense, Bowie made the 1980 Olympic Team straight out of high school, possessed prototypical size and strength, had four dominant, albeit injury plagued, years at Kentucky, and even had a great rookie season (10 points, 8.6 rebounds, 2.7 blocks per game, thank you databasebasketball.com) before injuries derailed his career. Unfortunately, Michael Jordan won 5 MVP awards, was named to 10 All-NBA First Teams, 9 All-Defensive Teams, led the Bulls to 6 NBA Titles, and was named “the greatest athlete of the century” by ESPN. Tough act to follow. Michael’s ascension to greatness made the name Sam Bowie synonymous with “biggest draft blunder ever.” But on April 29, 2006, the Texans changed all that; and they did it in a hurry.

The Texans decided to pass up the most hyped, electric, jaw-dropping, laws-of-physics-breaking, oh-my-god-did-you-see-that player in college football history for a defensive line project. WHAT?!?! Not only did the Texans pass up the most talented player to come out of college in a decade, maybe ever, they simultaneously let down their entire fan base. The outcry over the event was so great, that the Texans summarily fired their GM. Texans fans had been salivating over the prospect of drafting Reggie Bush ever since their team lost the “Reggie Bush Bowl” to the San Francisco 49ers, which assured them the worst record in the league and the corresponding first pick in the draft. Fast forward five months later and they wake up on Saturday morning to…Mario Williams? That’s the draft equivalent of Steve Bartman. Everything seems to be going right, looks like your franchise is about to turn the corner, and then…

You passed up Reggie, and everybody knows,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…YOU’RE NOT KABLAMMO!

I’ve been trying to piece together the events that led up to the Chernobylesque draft day catastrophe and I inadvertently stumbled upon this historical draft day coverage from ESPN 8.

Announcer: We now return to ESPN 8 The Ocho’s live coverage of the NFL Draft. Here’s your hosts Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight.

Pepper: We’re getting close to the first pick in the draft and it looks like Texas GM Charlie Casserly is ready to make his pick Cotton. What do you think he does here?

Cotton: Well Pepper, I think he’s going to try and make his team better.

Pepper: Your analysis never ceases to amaze Cott, but I think we all know he’s going to pick up Reggie Bush.

Cotton: Got to agree with you there Pepper. They’ve had Reggie Bush locked up in contract talks, and with only 5 minutes left until there pick, they’re only minutes away from solidifying that backfield for many years to come. Looks like the Texans luck has finally turned around.

Pepper: The moment we’ve been waiting for has arrived. Casserly strides up to the podium and, what is this, a fan appears to have intercepted Casserly at the last minute and handed him a note. Casserly looks at it and, Cotton, can you believe this? It looks like he changing his pick!.

Paul Tagliabue: With the 1^st pick in the 2006 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select…Mario Williams.

Cotton: Pepper, I’m going to have to say I don’t agree with this move

Pepper: It appears that the fans don’t agree with the pick either Cotton. I wouldn’t want to be Charlie Casserly today.

This lost footage provided me the answer to the Reggie Bush mystery. If I could track down the note, I could know why Casserly made his catastrophically awful decision. After a long and difficult search, I managed to track down Casserly living amongst a small nomadic tribe of Pygmies in Siberia. I convinced him to show me the note after promising to air his side of the story. The contents of the note shocked me to the core, and I realized that Casserly had been the victim of a vicious misdirection. In order to set the record straight once and for all, I am reprinting the contents of the note here:

Charlie,

I hear that Reggie Bush has come down with a strange muscular degenerative disease called herpagonasyphilaids. I’ve heard good things about that Mario kid.

Sincerely, S. Bowie.

They say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. It seems with a little devilish inspiration, Mr. Bowie can finally rest in peace.

J-BORHOOD MONDAY NIGHT PICK-OFF 2006

Every year, my buddy Sean and I take turns picking the Monday night football games. At the end of the season, the loser has to buy the winner a six pack. The only rule is that if one person’s favorite team is playing, (Sean’s a Colts fan and if you haven’t figured out I’m a Bears fan I’m not sure what to say) they automatically get to pick them. Last year, Sean beat me by a decisive margin and so I decided to publish these picks in order to dispel the notion that a smart sports savant such as myself can make accurate predictions about a game played by twenty-somethings with a ball that doesn’t bounce straight.

Things got off to a rough start last week when I picked the defending world champion Steelers to fend off the upstart Jaguars, so I’m coming into Monday’s match-up down 1 to 0. This week’s game features the Falcons and the Saints in a match up of undefeated teams and is the Saint’s first game in the Superdome since the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, so it should be a tense play-off atmosphere. It was Sean’s turn to pick and with stunning brevity, he picked the Falcons, stating that “I like Michael Vick” [EIC: Did someone say "Ron Mexico?"] Classy move Sean, picking against the city that was destroyed by a hurricane.

So as the Monday night game approaches my heart, and my affiliation, goes out to the citizens of New Orleans as they struggle to overcome the ravages of nature and the rugged Falcons running game. No city deserves a big win more then New Orleans and with Mr. Bush on their side, I believe it’s time. In case they needed a little more incentive, now they can say, “Let’s win one for D’Olier!”.

LET’S GET IT ON.

Seasons Record: Sean leads 1-0.

What's that sound?

“The score doesn’t matter to me.”

- Roy Williams, after being asked why he kept making emphatic first down motions, even though the Lions were behind by three touchdowns.

That ladies and gentleman, is the sweet sound of redemption.

The Etiquitee of the Guarantee

What up, what’s crack-a-lackin’, and what’s shakin’ J-Bors. In the words of Canibus (not to be confused with cannabis) “It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a strong rhyme to step to,” but I did and I apologize. I walked away from the game, knowing full well that there is a dangerous dearth of overtly opinioned calumnious candor, not to mention an alarming absence of alliteration. Some of you may point out that my absence coincided almost identically to the length of the baseball season and that the debilitating effect of the last place Cubs sapped my ability to get effectively excitable over events, but don’t listen to the rumors. The baseball season never happened.

Anyhow, all reason aside [EIC: Was there "reason" in that last paragraph? Was that even English or merely the psycho babble of a one trying to flex the prowess of his lexicon?] – an appropriate beginning to any of my columns – I’m back and I’m better then ever. [EIC: We're all keeping our fingers crossed here on the latter part of that declaritive statement...did that sound like a guarantee to anyone else?]

Now that we’ve got all that administration out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks, because really, are there any other kind? One day after aiding the Detroit Lions in their 6-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks, wide receiver Roy Williams made the startling proclamation that the Lions will beat the Bears this Sunday. “We will win this game,” said Williams. “You can all take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game.” (I wasn’t planning on it Roy, but since you said I could…) More startling then the fact that this bold declaration came from a player on a team that scored only 6 points last week, won only 5 games last year, and has won less games in the past 5 years then any team in football, is the fact that Williams blatantly disregarded the unwritten rules of sports guarantees.

You see a guarantee is no laughing matter. It is a grand affirmation that can instantly cement a game into sports history. It brings massive attention to the team and the guarantor, and brings a heightened level of excitement and meaning to the game. Joe Namath set the stage for the modern guarantee 37 years ago when he guaranteed that his Jets would beat the heavily favored Colts in Super Bowl III. Namath backed up his bravado by vaulting the Jets to victory and winning the Super Bowl MVP award. A quarter century later, Mark Messier guaranteed that the Rangers would overcome their 3-2 deficit to the New Jersey Devils and win the Stanley Cup. Messier put his money where his mouth was with a game 6 hat trick and a number of key plays down the stretch in game 7, which allowed the Rangers to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup.

Since then, the sports guarantee has fallen from its lofty peak. Sports stars have disregarded the mystique of the guarantee which, sadly, has caused it to lose some of its luster. Patrick Ewing unsuccessfully guaranteed that the Knicks would win the NBA Title at the start of every season. Chad Johnson's recent successful guarantee to halt the Chief’s 9-0 start to the season in 2003, came a year after his unsuccessful attempt the previous year to guarantee a win over the Browns. This year, Rasheed Wallace promised a win over the Cleveland LeBrons in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, only to watch his team fall by two points. (We are all witness, indeed.) If we, the collective sports public, do not take action to put an end to these unabashed attacks on the foundation of the sports guarantee code of ethics, we will soon have to listen to the Raiderettes guarantee better cheers then the Carolina Top Cats. (Which, frankly, does not sound all bad, but I digress…)

In order to sort out the artificial assurance from the veritable vow I propose to formally institute the following rules governing the godly ground of the guarantee.

1. Thou shalt not guarantee a win in a meaningless game.

This is the untouchable maxim of guarantees. When Namath guaranteed victory over the Colts, it was in the Super Bowl, the apex of the football season. Likewise, Messier made his proclamation during the Stanley Cup Finals. This bold display of moxie on the grandest of stages heightens the already tenuous atmosphere and ushers in a larger then life atmosphere. When Roy Williams guaranteed a win over a divisional opponent, with whom no bad blood exists, in the second week of the season, the collective response is…eh? The pitfall here is that, even if the Lions win, the guarantee does not add any meaning to an otherwise meaningless game. I’m not saying that every guarantee has to be in the Super Bowl or World Series, but at least make sure it’s more meaningful then guaranteeing a win during the Ryder cup qualifying rounds. Anything in the playoffs automatically qualifies, as do rivalry games. For example, it make no sense for me to guarantee a decisive win over Morgan Stanley in the opening game of the Hawaii Financial Basketball league, but the upcoming playoff match-up against CPB? That’s another story.

2. Thou shalt not stipulate a guarantee.

A guarantee is not a wishy-washy proposition, nor does it have an out clause. A guarantee is a prediction, not a hypothesis. A guarantee should never, ever contain an “if”. You make a guarantee, that’s your story and you’re sticking to it. Break your leg the next day? Start talking about how you plan to out run the opposing cornerbacks on crutches, not about how it changes your game plan. Nothing sounds worse then an athlete making provisions on a guarantee the day after they started a media circus with a bold proclamation. It makes them look scared and unsure and basically dooms them to failure. Roy Williams committed the worst possible violation of this rule the day after issuing his vow of victory. He clarified his guarantee, saying, “When we play the way we’re supposed to play, we’re supposed to win.” This vote of confidence essentially said, “thanks for publishing that stupid remark in the paper, fellahs. Now I’m going to have to pick grass out of my teeth every time I catch a ball over the middle.” An “if clause” weakens the power of the guarantee, which is the whole reason you make one in the first place.

3. Thou shalt not make a guarantee in a game in which you are favored to win.

This one should be a no brainer. It’d be like guaranteeing that Ken Jennings was going to win at Jeopardy, or that the Cubs wouldn’t win the world series, or that a Division-I college football team would win their opening game against a Division-II patsy. (Oh, sorry about that Colorado Buffalo fans. Seriously, how’s that Dan Hawkins era going? Well at least you have Plummer to fall back on…) The mystique in a guarantee lies in asserting the outcome of an unlikely occurrence. If you guarantee an event with a near certain outcome, it can only work against you. Everyone in the their right mind already expects you to win, so guaranteeing the victory only makes you look foolish when you don’t win. That’s what made Sheed’s guarantee so stupid. Everyone already expected the Pistons to dismantle the LeBron and the LeBronettes, so the guarantee only heaped undue pressure on the Pistons to win. Guaranteeing an already assured victory can only contribute to the inevitable choke factor.

4. Thou shalt only guarantee the last game of a series

This rule provides further insight into the stupidity of Rasheed’s guarantee. He didn’t promise that the Piston’s would win the series, only that they would win the game. Making a guarantee of this nature provides the other team with additional motivation every time they play. Even if you win, the other team goes into cornered animal mode – think cat in a bath – and fights tooth and nail the rest of the way. The only thing this guarantees is a more difficult victory. I could only shake my head when Stephen Ames made the mistake of calling out Tiger Woods before their round in the Match Play Championship. “Anything can happen,” said Ames. “Especially where he’s hitting the ball.” Tiger flashed a steely cold stare all day and proceeded to eliminate Ames as fast as mathematically possible. Tiger followed up the crushing by blowing away the field and then winning the next four tour events as well. If you’re going to have to play someone again soon, don’t keep them pissed off during the interim.

5. Thou shalt not make a guarantee about the distant future.

It doesn’t take any balls to say, we’re eventually going to win the World Series. That’s a mission statement, not a guarantee. A guarantee has to be certified, signed, sealed AND delivered immediately. You don’t make a guarantee about next week’s game, you make it about your next game. We don’t talk about Babe Ruth in hushed tones because he said he’d hit a home run at some point during the World Series. We worship the glorious grapes of the sultan of swat because he stood at the plate, pointed to the outfield, and proceeded to smack the longest home run in Wrigley Field history to break open a tie game ON THE NEXT PITCH. Now that, friends and J-bors, is a guarantee.

5. Thou shalt not repeat a failed guarantee.

Feel free to call this one the “Ewing rule”. A guarantee has an incredibly short shelf life and they don’t take well to refrigeration. Just because my buddy Williamson guarantees me again that he’s finally going to beat me at NCAA Football ’06 doesn’t mean that I’m not going to come back from a 21 point deficit…in the 4^th quarter…again. (Maybe next time, bro). Once you use a guarantee, it’s gone. It’s like the inverse magic penny. Hold that sucker tight and break only in case of emergency, otherwise, your reputation starts rolling all over the floor.

6. Thou shalt not guarantee a win after your coach gets a DUI while driving through a Wendy’s drive-thru naked.

I think that one speaks for itself.

As we can clearly see, Roy Williams broke half of the sports guarantee rules, practially assuring a bad outcome on Sunday. I think the line in Vegas shot up about 3 points when the news came out, and then went up another three when Urlacher responded by flashing the Tiger Woods face and said “Next question” when asked about the comment. I sure hope Roy’s wife knows how to get blood stains out a jersey.

To Roy’s credit, he did realize the error of his ways and attempted to print a subtle retraction. (Savvy readers of the J-Borhood will recognize this as a violation of rule 2) Williams said, “When we play the way we’re supposed to play, like our defense played the way they did Sunday … I don’t think there’s no team in this league that can beat us.” You’re right Roy, I don’t think there’s no team in the league that can beat you. I think the Chicago Bears can beat you. In fact, they will beat you. I Bear-antee it.