The Etiquitee of the Guarantee

What up, what’s crack-a-lackin’, and what’s shakin’ J-Bors. In the words of Canibus (not to be confused with cannabis) “It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without a strong rhyme to step to,” but I did and I apologize. I walked away from the game, knowing full well that there is a dangerous dearth of overtly opinioned calumnious candor, not to mention an alarming absence of alliteration. Some of you may point out that my absence coincided almost identically to the length of the baseball season and that the debilitating effect of the last place Cubs sapped my ability to get effectively excitable over events, but don’t listen to the rumors. The baseball season never happened.

Anyhow, all reason aside [EIC: Was there "reason" in that last paragraph? Was that even English or merely the psycho babble of a one trying to flex the prowess of his lexicon?] – an appropriate beginning to any of my columns – I’m back and I’m better then ever. [EIC: We're all keeping our fingers crossed here on the latter part of that declaritive statement...did that sound like a guarantee to anyone else?]

Now that we’ve got all that administration out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks, because really, are there any other kind? One day after aiding the Detroit Lions in their 6-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks, wide receiver Roy Williams made the startling proclamation that the Lions will beat the Bears this Sunday. “We will win this game,” said Williams. “You can all take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game.” (I wasn’t planning on it Roy, but since you said I could…) More startling then the fact that this bold declaration came from a player on a team that scored only 6 points last week, won only 5 games last year, and has won less games in the past 5 years then any team in football, is the fact that Williams blatantly disregarded the unwritten rules of sports guarantees.

You see a guarantee is no laughing matter. It is a grand affirmation that can instantly cement a game into sports history. It brings massive attention to the team and the guarantor, and brings a heightened level of excitement and meaning to the game. Joe Namath set the stage for the modern guarantee 37 years ago when he guaranteed that his Jets would beat the heavily favored Colts in Super Bowl III. Namath backed up his bravado by vaulting the Jets to victory and winning the Super Bowl MVP award. A quarter century later, Mark Messier guaranteed that the Rangers would overcome their 3-2 deficit to the New Jersey Devils and win the Stanley Cup. Messier put his money where his mouth was with a game 6 hat trick and a number of key plays down the stretch in game 7, which allowed the Rangers to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup.

Since then, the sports guarantee has fallen from its lofty peak. Sports stars have disregarded the mystique of the guarantee which, sadly, has caused it to lose some of its luster. Patrick Ewing unsuccessfully guaranteed that the Knicks would win the NBA Title at the start of every season. Chad Johnson's recent successful guarantee to halt the Chief’s 9-0 start to the season in 2003, came a year after his unsuccessful attempt the previous year to guarantee a win over the Browns. This year, Rasheed Wallace promised a win over the Cleveland LeBrons in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semi-finals, only to watch his team fall by two points. (We are all witness, indeed.) If we, the collective sports public, do not take action to put an end to these unabashed attacks on the foundation of the sports guarantee code of ethics, we will soon have to listen to the Raiderettes guarantee better cheers then the Carolina Top Cats. (Which, frankly, does not sound all bad, but I digress…)

In order to sort out the artificial assurance from the veritable vow I propose to formally institute the following rules governing the godly ground of the guarantee.

1. Thou shalt not guarantee a win in a meaningless game.

This is the untouchable maxim of guarantees. When Namath guaranteed victory over the Colts, it was in the Super Bowl, the apex of the football season. Likewise, Messier made his proclamation during the Stanley Cup Finals. This bold display of moxie on the grandest of stages heightens the already tenuous atmosphere and ushers in a larger then life atmosphere. When Roy Williams guaranteed a win over a divisional opponent, with whom no bad blood exists, in the second week of the season, the collective response is…eh? The pitfall here is that, even if the Lions win, the guarantee does not add any meaning to an otherwise meaningless game. I’m not saying that every guarantee has to be in the Super Bowl or World Series, but at least make sure it’s more meaningful then guaranteeing a win during the Ryder cup qualifying rounds. Anything in the playoffs automatically qualifies, as do rivalry games. For example, it make no sense for me to guarantee a decisive win over Morgan Stanley in the opening game of the Hawaii Financial Basketball league, but the upcoming playoff match-up against CPB? That’s another story.

2. Thou shalt not stipulate a guarantee.

A guarantee is not a wishy-washy proposition, nor does it have an out clause. A guarantee is a prediction, not a hypothesis. A guarantee should never, ever contain an “if”. You make a guarantee, that’s your story and you’re sticking to it. Break your leg the next day? Start talking about how you plan to out run the opposing cornerbacks on crutches, not about how it changes your game plan. Nothing sounds worse then an athlete making provisions on a guarantee the day after they started a media circus with a bold proclamation. It makes them look scared and unsure and basically dooms them to failure. Roy Williams committed the worst possible violation of this rule the day after issuing his vow of victory. He clarified his guarantee, saying, “When we play the way we’re supposed to play, we’re supposed to win.” This vote of confidence essentially said, “thanks for publishing that stupid remark in the paper, fellahs. Now I’m going to have to pick grass out of my teeth every time I catch a ball over the middle.” An “if clause” weakens the power of the guarantee, which is the whole reason you make one in the first place.

3. Thou shalt not make a guarantee in a game in which you are favored to win.

This one should be a no brainer. It’d be like guaranteeing that Ken Jennings was going to win at Jeopardy, or that the Cubs wouldn’t win the world series, or that a Division-I college football team would win their opening game against a Division-II patsy. (Oh, sorry about that Colorado Buffalo fans. Seriously, how’s that Dan Hawkins era going? Well at least you have Plummer to fall back on…) The mystique in a guarantee lies in asserting the outcome of an unlikely occurrence. If you guarantee an event with a near certain outcome, it can only work against you. Everyone in the their right mind already expects you to win, so guaranteeing the victory only makes you look foolish when you don’t win. That’s what made Sheed’s guarantee so stupid. Everyone already expected the Pistons to dismantle the LeBron and the LeBronettes, so the guarantee only heaped undue pressure on the Pistons to win. Guaranteeing an already assured victory can only contribute to the inevitable choke factor.

4. Thou shalt only guarantee the last game of a series

This rule provides further insight into the stupidity of Rasheed’s guarantee. He didn’t promise that the Piston’s would win the series, only that they would win the game. Making a guarantee of this nature provides the other team with additional motivation every time they play. Even if you win, the other team goes into cornered animal mode – think cat in a bath – and fights tooth and nail the rest of the way. The only thing this guarantees is a more difficult victory. I could only shake my head when Stephen Ames made the mistake of calling out Tiger Woods before their round in the Match Play Championship. “Anything can happen,” said Ames. “Especially where he’s hitting the ball.” Tiger flashed a steely cold stare all day and proceeded to eliminate Ames as fast as mathematically possible. Tiger followed up the crushing by blowing away the field and then winning the next four tour events as well. If you’re going to have to play someone again soon, don’t keep them pissed off during the interim.

5. Thou shalt not make a guarantee about the distant future.

It doesn’t take any balls to say, we’re eventually going to win the World Series. That’s a mission statement, not a guarantee. A guarantee has to be certified, signed, sealed AND delivered immediately. You don’t make a guarantee about next week’s game, you make it about your next game. We don’t talk about Babe Ruth in hushed tones because he said he’d hit a home run at some point during the World Series. We worship the glorious grapes of the sultan of swat because he stood at the plate, pointed to the outfield, and proceeded to smack the longest home run in Wrigley Field history to break open a tie game ON THE NEXT PITCH. Now that, friends and J-bors, is a guarantee.

5. Thou shalt not repeat a failed guarantee.

Feel free to call this one the “Ewing rule”. A guarantee has an incredibly short shelf life and they don’t take well to refrigeration. Just because my buddy Williamson guarantees me again that he’s finally going to beat me at NCAA Football ’06 doesn’t mean that I’m not going to come back from a 21 point deficit…in the 4^th quarter…again. (Maybe next time, bro). Once you use a guarantee, it’s gone. It’s like the inverse magic penny. Hold that sucker tight and break only in case of emergency, otherwise, your reputation starts rolling all over the floor.

6. Thou shalt not guarantee a win after your coach gets a DUI while driving through a Wendy’s drive-thru naked.

I think that one speaks for itself.

As we can clearly see, Roy Williams broke half of the sports guarantee rules, practially assuring a bad outcome on Sunday. I think the line in Vegas shot up about 3 points when the news came out, and then went up another three when Urlacher responded by flashing the Tiger Woods face and said “Next question” when asked about the comment. I sure hope Roy’s wife knows how to get blood stains out a jersey.

To Roy’s credit, he did realize the error of his ways and attempted to print a subtle retraction. (Savvy readers of the J-Borhood will recognize this as a violation of rule 2) Williams said, “When we play the way we’re supposed to play, like our defense played the way they did Sunday … I don’t think there’s no team in this league that can beat us.” You’re right Roy, I don’t think there’s no team in the league that can beat you. I think the Chicago Bears can beat you. In fact, they will beat you. I Bear-antee it.