Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! 2010

The NHL playoffs are in full swing. (Don't laugh. The NHL playoffs are incredible. You couldn't pay me to watch a regular season hockey game, but playoff hockey games are staggeringly intense. It's like soccer, except where they actually score goals. Ok, maybe comparing a marginal sport to an even more marginal sport is not the most effective way to drive interest, but trust me on this one. Playoff hockey rocks.)

The baseball season is rounding into form.

The second round of the NBA playoffs are primed and ready to roll.

So, of course, I'm going to write about horse racing. (What can I say? I'm a sucker for two minute sporting events that require you to drink whiskey cocktails and wear funny hats.)

So put on your finest fedora, grab a handful of crushed ice, whip up a batch of mint syrup, and give yourself a liberal pour of whisky, because it's time for the annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza!

As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Homeboykris (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 19)

This isn't a good horse name. It isn't a good dog name. Hell, it isn't even a good intramural water polo team name.

The only positive thing about Homeboykris's name is the fact that trainer Rick Dutrow didn't name him after a bowel movement like his last horse (Big Brown). I know, I know, Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby. He was still named after poop.

19. Dean's Kitten (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 8)

Dean's Kitten? Puh-leeze. The owner couldn't have given him a less threatening name if they tried.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently bad about using the [Name]'s [Animal] nomenclature for choosing a name for a racehorse, but you have to pick a strong name and a ferocious animal, like Salvatore's Manticore.

Now that's a horse that could win the derby.

18. Paddy O'Prado (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 10)

Putting aside the fact that Paddy O'Prado sounds more like a drunk Irishman than a racehorse, Paddy has only one quality win in her career... against Dean's Kitten.

17. Make Music For Me (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 9)

I love the story of trainer Alexis Barba trying to become the first female trainer to win the Kentucky Derby. I'd love it more if her horse had won more than one race in eight attempts.

16. Line of David (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 5)

Get in the back of the line, David.

15. Stately Victor (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)

Stately Victor sounds like the name of a portly Saint Bernard, not a champion racehorse.

14. Mission Impazible (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 14)

Congratulations, you either thought it would be cool/funny/fashionable to name your horse after a pun that only makes sense to you or you're illiterate.

Nice work, ace.

(Having said that I'm sure I'll read an article about how the horse was named by the owner's darling two-year old son, who couldn't pronounce impossible. I know if I had to enter a horse in the Kentucky Derby, I'd let my two year-old daughter Haley name it, meaning it would almost assuredly be named "Triceratops Boobies".)

13. Backtalk (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 18)

Let's just say that descriptors like "modestly accomplished", qualifying for the field due to injuries to other horses, and losing to 30-1 Derby long shots (American Lion) by 14 lengths in qualifying tournaments are not things I generally associate with Kentucky Derby winners.

12. Discreetly Mine (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 15)

If you were married to someone, wouldn't you be a little worried if the name of their horse conjured images of clandestine infidelity? I'm just saying...

11. Sidney's Candy (Odds: 5-1, Post Position: 20)

The irony of Jenny Craig (yes, that Jenny Craig) naming her horse after a confection is not lost on me. That said, I suppose Sidney's Candy is better than Sidney's Bran Muffin.

10. Dublin (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)

Things I associate with Dublin: Scotch. Guinness. Leprechauns.

Fast horses? Not so much.

But, there's a street in Dublin named after my ancestor, Jeremiah D'Olier -- who founded the Bank of Dublin -- (no, really), so I can't be too hard on the big fellah.

9. Noble's Promise (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 3)

So close. If the owner's had just switched the 'l' and the 'e' in Noble's Promise's name, it would have been creative, inspirational, and intellectual. Instead, they sound like pretentious wankers.

8. Jackson Bend (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 13)

I'd like to say that the fact that Jackson Bend never finished worse than second place in nine races was the determining factor for this pick. But, really, I'm just giddy at the thought of hearing a smug Brent Musburger say "and Jackon's coming round the bend..."

7. American Lion (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 7)

A fast horse with a wild streak, an elegant, yet simple name, and the ability to hold back and kick into high gear down the stretch. On Saturday, look for this lion to roar. (I'm sorry. That pun is terrible, even by my standards. Yes, surprisingly, even I have standards.)

6. Awesome Act (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 16)

The owners nailed every field on the great racehorse naming checklist.

Two words. Check.

Slick alliteration. Check.

Unpretentious. Check.

Rolls off the tongue. Check.

Not named for a family member named Dean, a kitten, or a combination of the two? Check.

Also, in his last two races, Awesome Act won the Gotham Stakes -- a premier prep race for the Kentucky Derby, and finished third in the Wood Memorial -- another prestigious Derby tune up -- after stumbling coming out of the gate and throwing a shoe.

Forget Dez Bryant running a 4.5 40-yard dash at the NFL combine after forgetting his shoes. Awesome Act finished third in a race without a shoe.

Boo-yah.

5. Conveyance (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 12)

Forget the cool name.

Forget the crazy speed.

Forget that this horse is trained by three time Derby winner, Bob Baffert.

The only thing you need to know about Conveyance is that he looks scary. Really scary. He's a dark, cloudy gray with piercing black eyes and a jet black mane. He looks like he should be ridden by one of the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. (For the record, I'm not sure if I should be more embarrassed for making that comparison or for not having to Google "Nazgul".)

If he wins the Derby, I'm 90% sure that he'll eschew the winnings in exchange for your soul.

4. Super Saver (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 4)

Two words: Calvin Borel.

He rode 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird to victory in last year's Derby, before pulling the ultimate shocker and choosing to ride a different horse, Rachel Alexandra, in the Preakness, which he also won.

Trainer Todd Pletcher, who's 0-24 in the Kentucky Derby and just lost his prize horse and pre-Derby favorite, Eskendereya (who I'm convinced was named as a way of punishing sports writers for ignoring horse racing for all but two minutes every year) to injury, is searching for a miracle.

If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.

3. Lookin At Lucky (Odds: 3-1, Post Position: 1)

Seven races. Five wins, a place (2nd), and a show (3rd).

By all accounts, Looking at Lucky was the fastest, most dominant horse in every race he ran and is the odds on favorite to win on Saturday. But, he has a bad habit of running into traffic and if he doesn't get a good start, could get locked into the rail.

Oh, who am I kidding? I just think anyone who names their horse "Lucky" deserves to eat it.

2. Ice Box (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 2)

Ice Box has great top end speed and likes to hang back and make a strong late push, which often fares well in a long distance race like the Derby.

Plus, how can you not like a horse whose name makes it sound like he's owned by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction. (How do I know which horse is yours? It's the one that says Bad Motha-F***** on it.)

1. Devil May Care (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 11)

Here I go again.

Two years ago, I picked the unsung filly (horse jargon for a girl) Eight Belles to win the Derby in honor of the impending birth of my daughter Haley. Eight Belles preceded to run the race of her life, finishing a narrow second behind Big Brown, before tragically breaking two ankles at the finish line and being euthanized on the race track minutes later.

The experience ranks as one of the most tragic, heartbreaking moments of my entire sporting life and I've watched horse racing a little differently ever since.

I'm worried about throwing my heart and soul behind another little girl, but, as they say, to Hell with it. Devil May Care.

Go get em, girl.

Farewell to Jimmy - 2010

What a tournament. What a Jimmy.

Jimmy virgin, Brit (Gremlins) took home the vaunted Jimmy championship in dominant fashion -- 6 more correct picks and 28 more points than his closest competitors -- and as such, wins the grand prize of a JBorhood article on the topic of his choosing or a spot on an upcoming JBorhood podcast.

While I don't have anything nearly as pants-wettingly exciting for the rest of you, I certainly didn't forget you...

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Thank God for Georgetown and Kansas Award: RDub (Ryan)

Lost in the hullaballoo of Georgetown's and Kansas's early exits from the tournament and the corresponding collateral damage suffered by most brackets was the second round decimation of New Mexico, the East Region's #3 seed. Most Jimmy entrants had West Virginia and Kentucky in the Elite Eight of the East (say that ten times fast), so no one noticed the catastrophic effect that had on Ryan's bracket.

Until now.

You see, Ryan didn't have Kentucky or West Virginia coming out of the East. That's too cliche. Likely inspired by his familiarity with Mountain West teams and (I'm speculating here) a case of Heineken, Ryan picked the New Mexico Lobos to knock off West Virginia, Kentucky, and Duke in order to not only win the East Region, but play in the National Championship. It also bares mentioning that Ryan picked the Lobos to play Kansas in the National Championship game, meaning neither of his title picks survived the second round.

I would be remiss if I let this type of misled moxie get overshadowed by the likes of the Jayhawks and the Hoyas. You're welcome, Ryan. Enjoy your moment in the sun.


Best Bracket Name Award: Spottieottiedopalicious (Brett)

It's not topical or relevant. It's not a clever pun. It's not even related to baskeball. But there's something magical about the way Brett's bracket name rolls off the tongue. It is simple, timeless, and beautiful and can only truly be described as spottieottiedopalicious.


Flattery Will Get You Everywhere Award: The Jimmy (Trenton)

Were it not for the truly transcendent Spottieottiedopalicious (the depth and meaning of which I am only now beginning to truly understand), "The Jimmy" would have won the Best Bracket Name Award running away.

Regardless of his narrow defeat in the aforementioned illustrious category, Trenton earns an award simply for stroking my ego. As a side benefit of winning, I will repay the favor to Trenton, who is truly a handsome, brilliant, and (this goes out to all you ladies out there) staggeringly well-hung individual.

Trenton, I salute you.


The Hustler Award: Wally World (Andrew)

Andrew knows nothing about college basketball, or at least that's what he told me when I asked him to join the Jimmy.

"I don't know any of the teams playing", he said.

"I'm going to finish last", he said.

"I don't even know how to fill out a bracket", he said.

Little did I know, Andrew was a smooth talking, NCAA tournament hustler. He came out of nowhere, riding his bold pick of Duke to win the NCAA tournament, to secure a third place finish. Some might call it beginner's luck. But, I know better and, apparently, so does Andrew.

All in a days work for a hustler.


Diamond in the Rough Award: Hayes (Hayes)

If you just glanced at the standings, you'd think that Hayes had a decent, if somewhat unspectacular, year in the Jimmy. 11th place finish. 35 of 63 correct picks. Failed to correctly pick either team in the National Championship game. But that's selling Hayes short. You see, Hayes was one of only five people to correctly pick two of the four Final Four teams (no one picked more than two correctly). For that alone, he deserves an award.

Of course, Hayes also picked tournament runner-up Butler to lose in the First Round, which means he also deserves our mockery. Maybe I should have called this the Topaz in the rough...


Irony Award: I Am Expert (Kolsky)

You'd think someone that named their bracket "I Am Expert" would finish better than 20th out of 24 entries. Then again, anyone who's listened to Kolsky on the JBorhood podcast would understand he's no stranger to wrong predications. For his sake, let's hope he appreciates irony a little more than the rest of us...


D'Olier Family Champion Award: Go Duke Win 2 Lose 1 (Jason)

After Northern Iowa played shotgun to my bracket's Old Yeller, knocking out Kansas -- my championship pick, I realized I had virtually no chance of winning the Jimmy and focused my attention on winning something almost as important: family bragging rights.

Since the Jimmy started in 2006, I haven't just failed to bring home the overall title, I have never even won the family title.

In 2006, I finished second in the family to Jason when Adam Morrison and Gonzaga choked away a 9-point lead with 3:13 to play.

IN 2007, I finished second in the family to Jason when Texas A&M lost a heart breaker to Ohio State in the Sweet 16.

In 2008, I finished second in the family to Deanna when Tennessee lost a stunner to Louisville, who lost a nail biter to North Carolina, when a different outcome in either game would have given me the victory.

In 2009, well… let's not talk about 2009 (16th out of 20?????).

This year, after the Sweet 16, Jason told me that only thing between me and the elusive D'Olier Family Championship Award (aka the D'OFCHA) was either a Maryland victory over Michigan State or a Purdue victory over Texas A&M. So, Jason and I made a gentleman's wager, that if either Maryland or Purdue won -- ceding the title to me -- I would buy Jason a beer and vice versa. Long story short, Purdue won a nail-biter, I owed Jason a beer, but I got to celebrate the sweet satisfaction of my first ever D'OFCHA… or so I thought.

You see, Jason made one unfortunate assumption: That Ohio State would manage not to choke against Tennessee.

But the Buckeyes choked.

I didn't get the points.

Jason beat me by a point.

And, to add insult to injury, I still owe him a beer.

I will now bitterly point out that, for the third time in the Jimmy's history, I failed to win the D'OFCHA despite picking the most correct games. Stupid weighted scoring system.


Fuel for Marital Discourse Award: DZaster (Deanna)

Even though Jason won the D'OFCHA, Deanna technically picked more correct games (39 to Jason's 37). I'm just saying…

(If you don't think this was a subtle attempt to knock the smug smile off my older brother's face than you don't know me well enough.)


Apocalypse Averted Award: Triceratops (Tori)

Tori missed the deadline to submit her picks, so technically, her bracket was unofficial. But she filled one out anyway and I kept track of it offline. While it contained Tori's usual slew of wild upset picks

(Me: "East Tennessee State over Kentucky? Really?"
Tori: "They're the Buccaneers? How can you root against Pirates?")

it also contained a surprising number of accurate selections: West Virginia in the Elite Eight; Duke in the Final Four; and the biggie, Ohio State to win it all. In fact, Tori was the only person to select the Buckeyes to cut down the nets, meaning that if Ohio State won the Championship…

…Tori would have won the Jimmy.

Now, I consider my marriage to be rock solid, but if I had to suffer the shame of watching my wife -- who, might I remind you, picked Morehead State to win it all last year for reasons as juvenile as you might think -- win the Jimmy before I did, I might have never recovered. Luckily, Ohio State stumbled against Tennessee, eliminating any chance of a potential D'Olier household apocalypse.

I liked it better when she picked Morehead.


For Lack of a Better Award: Not As Bad As It Looks? (Bari)

Bari picked 38 games correctly, astutely tabbed Duke to play in the finals, and finished a respectable sixth place.

I got nothing.


Good Boyfriend Award: BracketBusta! (Sean)

Coming into the tournament, it's safe to say that Sean was confident in his picks. He watched college basketball all season. He constantly poured over the Joe Lunardi's bracketology feature on ESPN.com. He watched the NCAA Tournament selection show. He listened to the experts break down the match-ups. He extensively researched the mid-majors. By the time the tournament tipped off, Sean knew so much about the college basketball season that he convinced local sports writer Dave Reardon to publish those picks in the Honolulu Star Bulletin.

But then the tournament happened. After the first round, Sean was in a 4-way tie for 20th, ahead of only two people, one of whom forgot to submit their picks. In the second round Sean's championship pick Kansas lost. By the time the Sweet 16 rolled around, Sean was just trying to salvage his dignity.

Or so one would think.

You see, Sean had an ulterior motive. His girlfriend, Dawn, also entered the tournament and since Sean is a smart man, he decided to sabotage his bracket to let Dawn win, losing the battle to win the war.

Sounds like a keeper, Dawn. Sounds like a keeper.


Senior Circuit Award: Pete's High Flyers (Peter)

They say that basketball is a young man's game. Sexist overtones aside, that statement held true in this year's Jimmy as none of our (how shall I phrase this without pissing off my mom?) more experienced entrants finished in the top half of the pool. Of the three elder states-people, Peter finished at the top of the heap with a 14th place finish.

As a reward for winning, Peter gets a ceremonial cane, glass of Metemucil, and a friendly reminder that he still hasn't beaten me in Fantasy Football. Maybe that's a young man's game too...


No, Really, How Did I Not Win This Tournament Award: Nannie Nannie Boo Boo! (Nick)

Three rounds into the NCAA Tournament, Nick only needed one thing to win the Jimmy: A Kentucky Wildcats National Championship. And after the first three rounds, that seemed like a foregone conclusion.

Round 1: 29 point victory.
Round 2: 30 point victory.
Round 3: 27 point victory.

At that point, the questions wasn't "Will the Wildcats win it all?", but "Will the Wildcats beat anyone by less than 20?". They had two All-Americans, a slew of NBA talent, and more front court depth than the Chicago Bulls (not that that's saying much… *sigh*).

But, for reasons known only to Nick, God intervened. The Wildcats shot an unthinkable 4 for 32 from behind the arc, 16 for 29 from the free throw line and lost to West Virginia by seven.

Think about that for a second. 4 for 32. I could have shot better than 4-32. In fact, I'd wager good money that anyone reading this far into a self-indulgent article about an obscure NCAA Tournament pool could have shot better than 4 for 32.

Nick, I don't know what you did, but I don't think it'd be a bad idea to go to church any time soon.


At Least We Beat Jordan Award: Big3JDaddy (Dad), Bambi's Champs (Mom)

Dad only picked 33 games right for a grand total of 59 points. Mom only picked 32 games right for a whopping 55. Even if you combined their scores, they'd still finish behind tournament champion Gremlins (114 to 130).

Normally, I would take this opportunity to give them a playful ribbing. But not this year.

This year was special.

This year, someone set the record for poor finishes in the Jimmy. No, they obliterated it. In fact, they set the bar so low, no one will finish the Jimmy with a lower score ever.

By failing to submit any of his picks, my brother Jordan (MEGALODON!) ended up with the all-time record for the lowest score in the Jimmy's history:

Zero.

So, Mom, Dad, consider yourselves lucky. I won't say that you'd be better off throwing darts at a bracket blindfolded than making your picks. I won't say that your picks would make Dick Vitale cry. I won't even say that a blind spider monkey could have made better picks after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I'll just say, you should give your youngest son a hug.

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Thanks for playing everyone. We had the best turnout Jimmy history and as much fun as I can ever remember. I hope to see you all next year.

Until then, see you in the Hood!

The Definitive 2010 NBA Playoff Preview

Want to know who's going to win the 2010 NBA Championship? Go turn on Sportscenter.

Want to know what the 2010 playoffs mean for LeBron's legacy, debate Kobe's place in history, learn why the Boston Celtics are like Happy Gilmore's Mom, and find out what to do if you find yourself looking for a beer at 3 am in Oklahoma City?

Then sit back, relax, kick up your heels, and enjoy the JBorhood NBA Playoff Preview Podcast.

JBorhood Podcast - NBA Playoff Preview - 04/15/2010