Kentucky Derby Extravaganza! 2010

The NHL playoffs are in full swing. (Don't laugh. The NHL playoffs are incredible. You couldn't pay me to watch a regular season hockey game, but playoff hockey games are staggeringly intense. It's like soccer, except where they actually score goals. Ok, maybe comparing a marginal sport to an even more marginal sport is not the most effective way to drive interest, but trust me on this one. Playoff hockey rocks.)

The baseball season is rounding into form.

The second round of the NBA playoffs are primed and ready to roll.

So, of course, I'm going to write about horse racing. (What can I say? I'm a sucker for two minute sporting events that require you to drink whiskey cocktails and wear funny hats.)

So put on your finest fedora, grab a handful of crushed ice, whip up a batch of mint syrup, and give yourself a liberal pour of whisky, because it's time for the annual JBorhood Kentucky Derby Extravaganza!

As always, my rankings involve a complex formula that accounts for odds, post position, whether or not the horse is pretty and, most importantly, the quality of the horse's name.

20. Homeboykris (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 19)

This isn't a good horse name. It isn't a good dog name. Hell, it isn't even a good intramural water polo team name.

The only positive thing about Homeboykris's name is the fact that trainer Rick Dutrow didn't name him after a bowel movement like his last horse (Big Brown). I know, I know, Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby. He was still named after poop.

19. Dean's Kitten (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 8)

Dean's Kitten? Puh-leeze. The owner couldn't have given him a less threatening name if they tried.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing inherently bad about using the [Name]'s [Animal] nomenclature for choosing a name for a racehorse, but you have to pick a strong name and a ferocious animal, like Salvatore's Manticore.

Now that's a horse that could win the derby.

18. Paddy O'Prado (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 10)

Putting aside the fact that Paddy O'Prado sounds more like a drunk Irishman than a racehorse, Paddy has only one quality win in her career... against Dean's Kitten.

17. Make Music For Me (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 9)

I love the story of trainer Alexis Barba trying to become the first female trainer to win the Kentucky Derby. I'd love it more if her horse had won more than one race in eight attempts.

16. Line of David (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 5)

Get in the back of the line, David.

15. Stately Victor (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 6)

Stately Victor sounds like the name of a portly Saint Bernard, not a champion racehorse.

14. Mission Impazible (Odds: 20-1, Post Position: 14)

Congratulations, you either thought it would be cool/funny/fashionable to name your horse after a pun that only makes sense to you or you're illiterate.

Nice work, ace.

(Having said that I'm sure I'll read an article about how the horse was named by the owner's darling two-year old son, who couldn't pronounce impossible. I know if I had to enter a horse in the Kentucky Derby, I'd let my two year-old daughter Haley name it, meaning it would almost assuredly be named "Triceratops Boobies".)

13. Backtalk (Odds: 50-1, Post Position: 18)

Let's just say that descriptors like "modestly accomplished", qualifying for the field due to injuries to other horses, and losing to 30-1 Derby long shots (American Lion) by 14 lengths in qualifying tournaments are not things I generally associate with Kentucky Derby winners.

12. Discreetly Mine (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 15)

If you were married to someone, wouldn't you be a little worried if the name of their horse conjured images of clandestine infidelity? I'm just saying...

11. Sidney's Candy (Odds: 5-1, Post Position: 20)

The irony of Jenny Craig (yes, that Jenny Craig) naming her horse after a confection is not lost on me. That said, I suppose Sidney's Candy is better than Sidney's Bran Muffin.

10. Dublin (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 17)

Things I associate with Dublin: Scotch. Guinness. Leprechauns.

Fast horses? Not so much.

But, there's a street in Dublin named after my ancestor, Jeremiah D'Olier -- who founded the Bank of Dublin -- (no, really), so I can't be too hard on the big fellah.

9. Noble's Promise (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 3)

So close. If the owner's had just switched the 'l' and the 'e' in Noble's Promise's name, it would have been creative, inspirational, and intellectual. Instead, they sound like pretentious wankers.

8. Jackson Bend (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 13)

I'd like to say that the fact that Jackson Bend never finished worse than second place in nine races was the determining factor for this pick. But, really, I'm just giddy at the thought of hearing a smug Brent Musburger say "and Jackon's coming round the bend..."

7. American Lion (Odds: 30-1, Post Position: 7)

A fast horse with a wild streak, an elegant, yet simple name, and the ability to hold back and kick into high gear down the stretch. On Saturday, look for this lion to roar. (I'm sorry. That pun is terrible, even by my standards. Yes, surprisingly, even I have standards.)

6. Awesome Act (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 16)

The owners nailed every field on the great racehorse naming checklist.

Two words. Check.

Slick alliteration. Check.

Unpretentious. Check.

Rolls off the tongue. Check.

Not named for a family member named Dean, a kitten, or a combination of the two? Check.

Also, in his last two races, Awesome Act won the Gotham Stakes -- a premier prep race for the Kentucky Derby, and finished third in the Wood Memorial -- another prestigious Derby tune up -- after stumbling coming out of the gate and throwing a shoe.

Forget Dez Bryant running a 4.5 40-yard dash at the NFL combine after forgetting his shoes. Awesome Act finished third in a race without a shoe.

Boo-yah.

5. Conveyance (Odds: 12-1, Post Position: 12)

Forget the cool name.

Forget the crazy speed.

Forget that this horse is trained by three time Derby winner, Bob Baffert.

The only thing you need to know about Conveyance is that he looks scary. Really scary. He's a dark, cloudy gray with piercing black eyes and a jet black mane. He looks like he should be ridden by one of the Nazgul from Lord of the Rings. (For the record, I'm not sure if I should be more embarrassed for making that comparison or for not having to Google "Nazgul".)

If he wins the Derby, I'm 90% sure that he'll eschew the winnings in exchange for your soul.

4. Super Saver (Odds: 15-1, Post Position: 4)

Two words: Calvin Borel.

He rode 50-1 long shot Mine That Bird to victory in last year's Derby, before pulling the ultimate shocker and choosing to ride a different horse, Rachel Alexandra, in the Preakness, which he also won.

Trainer Todd Pletcher, who's 0-24 in the Kentucky Derby and just lost his prize horse and pre-Derby favorite, Eskendereya (who I'm convinced was named as a way of punishing sports writers for ignoring horse racing for all but two minutes every year) to injury, is searching for a miracle.

If anyone can deliver, it's Calvin Borel.

3. Lookin At Lucky (Odds: 3-1, Post Position: 1)

Seven races. Five wins, a place (2nd), and a show (3rd).

By all accounts, Looking at Lucky was the fastest, most dominant horse in every race he ran and is the odds on favorite to win on Saturday. But, he has a bad habit of running into traffic and if he doesn't get a good start, could get locked into the rail.

Oh, who am I kidding? I just think anyone who names their horse "Lucky" deserves to eat it.

2. Ice Box (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 2)

Ice Box has great top end speed and likes to hang back and make a strong late push, which often fares well in a long distance race like the Derby.

Plus, how can you not like a horse whose name makes it sound like he's owned by Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction. (How do I know which horse is yours? It's the one that says Bad Motha-F***** on it.)

1. Devil May Care (Odds: 10-1, Post Position: 11)

Here I go again.

Two years ago, I picked the unsung filly (horse jargon for a girl) Eight Belles to win the Derby in honor of the impending birth of my daughter Haley. Eight Belles preceded to run the race of her life, finishing a narrow second behind Big Brown, before tragically breaking two ankles at the finish line and being euthanized on the race track minutes later.

The experience ranks as one of the most tragic, heartbreaking moments of my entire sporting life and I've watched horse racing a little differently ever since.

I'm worried about throwing my heart and soul behind another little girl, but, as they say, to Hell with it. Devil May Care.

Go get em, girl.