As always is the case at this time of year, you're sick of reading about football and I'm sick of writing about football. So allow me to blast through my post-Super Bowl Breakdown in record time...
- The better team won
- Even though he lost Kurt Warner, solidified his qualitications for the Hall-of-Fame.
- Larry Fitzgerald joined Jerry Rice in the Pantheon of unstoppable big game wide receivers.
- Ben Roethlesburger proved that you don't have to be a great quarterback to be a great quarterback.
That's it. Seriously. Did you really want me to waste 3000 words of your and my time to say that?
Now that we've covered the important stuff, let's take some time and recap my favorite trivial, overblown, and pretentious (hey, sounds alot like me) celebration of the year... The Oscars
Are we entirely sure that Mickey Rourke didn't spend the previous night in a cardboard box on Hollywood Boulevard?
Speaking of Micky Rourke, we really need to come up with an Oscars drinking game. I know that people post variations every year, but I think we can do better. Please leave any suggestions in the comments.
My wife would like to extend a heartfelt 'Thank You' to Hugh Jackman for appearing at the Oscars clean shaven. Similarly, she would like to extend a big 'F-U' to Adrian Brody for giving Mickey Rourke a run for his money at the best non-intentional Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman impression.
When did Anjelica Huston turn into a transvestite? (I'd say the same thing about Sarah Jessica Parker, but she's been one for a long time.)
French Animated Short Film + Academy Award + Japanese Director + Language Barrier = Best Oscar Speech Ever.
Maybe it's because the movies were more artsy and less publicized then usual, maybe it's because I now look after a nine month old terradactyl with the attention span of a crack addicted ferret on Red Bull, but I've only seen two -- that's right, two -- movies nominated for Oscars this year, and those involved Batman and Tom Cruise in a fat suit.
Someone really needs to tell Robert Pattinson that they stopped filming Twilight a year ago and that he's not actually a vampire.
http://www.mtv.com/photos/
If someone punches Zac Effron in the face, I'll give them twenty bucks.
Ben Stiller is the Larry Fitzgerald of comedy. Put him on a big stage and he delivers, every time. (He gets bonus points in my book for knowing when the joke was over and reading the nominees names seriously.)
Watching the acceptance speeches for the Art Direction and Make-Up Oscars is like watching 5-year olds play soccer; Almost always boring and rarely memorable, but when it is, it's one of the funniest things in the world.
Glad to know that, in case the mood strikes, I can safely drive a Monster Truck over my May Tag washer. In the past, I've never considered the aftermath of a potential Monster Truck attack when purchasing major appliances.
I still can't believe Alan Arkin won an Oscar for playing Alan Arkin in a bland, depressing, un-funny comedy.
I have no idea who he is, but judging from his appearnce, Michael Shannon is either an actor or a pedophile.
http://l.yimg.com/k/im_
How long do you think Heath Ledger's family could have spoken before the exit music started playing? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? An hour? If they were still talking would we know won Best Picture yet?
Can someone tell Bill Maher that his movie was NOT nominated. We get it Bill. You made a controversial film. No one came. No one cares. Let it go.
The creators of the Best Documentary Short Subject winner, Smile Pinki, need to create a sequel for Best Documentary Feature nominee co-writer called 'Smile Phrasavath'.
http://fresnofilmworks.org/
(The joke takes waaaaaaay to much set-up to work in print, but trust me, in context it was really funny...)
Hats off to Will Smith for stating the obvious: WHY DON'T THE OSCARS RECOGNIZE MOVIE'S THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH. I'm not advocating the bastardization of our cinematic culture, but would it hurt them to create separate categories for Excellence in Action and Comedic performances?
I invoke the China Principal to back-up my assertion that 'The Dark Knight' should have been nominated for Best Picture because, seriously, a billion dollars can't be wrong?
(Props to JBor Holensdale for providing the inspiration for that joke earlier in the week. Take note fellow JBors, you make quippy comments, you get recognized. Hollah!)
How do they pick the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing Oscars? Out of a hat?
Did Jerry Lewis try to sneak a kiss from Eddie Murphy?
WTF?!!?!? Did anyone see the commecial for the Rhumatoid Arthritis drug, Orencia? It starts off well, explaing how it can releive the minor aches of arthritis and then, somewhere around the :28 mark, they start listing the side effects and all hell breaks lose.
- Do not take Orencia with other RA medicines due to risk of SERIOUS INFECTIONS
- Orencia can cause SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS, including SERIOUS INFECTIONS
- Cases of RARE CANCER have been reported
- Tell your doctor if you have an infection or an OPEN SORE
- Orencia may cause SERIOUS LUNG DISEASE
If I ever buy a pornographic book on tape, I want Alicia Keys to narrate it. Good lord.
The film from Japan wins the Best Foreign Film Oscar and I'm thinking to myself, "Can this guy possibly give a repeat performance of the Mr. Roboto guy?", AND THEN HE DOES! We need to create a best Asian Language Film Oscar to ensure that we keep this going.
Bravo, Danny Boyle. If you win an Oscar and remember to hop like Tigger for your kids, you're a great father in my book.
Sophia Loren has finally gotten old and creepy enough that I wouldn't sleep with her. (Meryl Streep on the other hand...)
Kate Winslet gave a masters course in How-to-Give-an-Oscars-Speech. Start with a joke? Check. Thank your parents? Check. Thank Husband and Kids? Check. Thank other nominees? Check. Memorable line ("It's not a shampoo bottle anymore!")? Check. She should get a second Oscar for that speech.
For the record, if I was sleeping with Robin Wright-Penn, I wouldn't forget to thank her when I gave an Oscar acceptance speech.
Thank you to the Academy for not giving the Best Picture Oscar to 'Benjamin Button' and ruining the Oscars.
Last, but certainly not least, I want to give a big JBorhood salute to Heath Ledger, who deserved to win the Oscar whether he died or not. In his honor, I will refrain from making any Gay Cowboy jokes. Oh come on, guys. Why so serious?