2007 JBorhood Halloween Costume Extravaganza

Because it's Halloween and far too much time has passed since our last Extravaganza!, here are a few pictures of this year's official J-Borhood Halloween salute to Colt Brennan and the 8-0 Warriors!

Happy Halloween!

Man Crush FAQ

Following the wave of metrosexuality in the United States, men have become increasingly more comfortable displaying their affection for their favorite athletes and movie stars, which has sparked the emergence of a new heterosexual man relationship: The Man Crush. Unfortunately, men are new to the concept of sharing their feelings with other guys, which often leads to uncomfortable situations and endless confusion surrounding these previously unexplored feelings. In order to shed some light on the fledgling relationships and help clear up any unnecessary confusion, I've decided to answer some of the most common questions about man crushes.

Q. How can I tell the difference between admiration and a man crush?

Admiration is characterized by a feeling of respect for someone’s talent and abilities. A man crush, on the other hand, represents a deeper, more personal relationship. Someone with whom you’d want to be friends. Someone who you imagine you would have been were you born taller, more athletic and better looking.

If you wonder whether you have a man crush on someone, or just admire them, ask yourself: How would I feel if they slept with my girlfriend? For example, I admire the work of Abraham Lincoln, but having a man crush on him would be downright creepy.

Q. Can I have more then one man crush?

It is perfectly acceptable to have a man crush on more then one player, provided you follow these guidelines:

1. You cannot have a man crush on two players from the same team. You wouldn’t date two sisters at the same time, would you? (Well, not unless they were twins…)
2. You cannot have a man crush on two players that play the same position. That would be a threesome and that’s just wrong.
3. You cannot have a man crush on more then four players in the same sport. If you have a man crush on too many players, they’ll think you’re a jerk and you’ll have a hard time getting a date. Oh wait, that’s just girls. Scratch that.
   

Q. What are acceptable circumstances for breaking up with my man crush?

A man crush is to dating, as fandom is to marriage. Much like with dating, you can’t just break up with a man crush for no reason, but fortunately, unlike fandom or marriage, you don’t have to go through a messy divorce when things go wrong. You can safely break up with a man crush under any of the following circumstances, without worrying about hurt feelings:

1. Graduation. You can rescind your crush once your man crush graduates from college. Likewise, you have the option of maintaining your relationship into the pros.
2. They leave under bad circumstances. You are obligated to break up with your man crush if they decide to take a bigger payday somewhere else, join a rival team or make disparaging statements about your team on the way out the door. The only exception is if your team does not make an honest effort to retain them. In that case, the choice is yours.
3. On/Off Field Transgressions. If your man crush ceases to live up to your expectations, or embarrasses you with shameful off-field problems (arrests, drug problems, stupidity), you can walk away with no strings attached.
   

Q. Can I become a fan of a team because my man crush plays for them?

No. Becoming a fan is a scared rite of passage that represents true loyalty and devotion. Man crushes come and go, but fandom lasts forever.

Q. Can I have a man crush on someone who plays for a rival team?

Absolutely not. I’ll ignore the fact that even the thought of this make me want to puke and try to address the question.

Q. Is it acceptable to root for my man crush when he is playing against my favorite team?

No. This rule also applies to whether you can cheer for a player on your fantasy team when they are playing your team.

Q. How far can my man crush go, before it’s considered too far?

It is perfectly acceptable to put a poster of them on the wall. It is unacceptable to put up a framed glam shot.

It is acceptable to tape your man crush’s games. It is unacceptable to tape over your wedding video.

It is acceptable to pretend to be them while playing their sport. It is unacceptable to pretend to be them while having sex.

Q. Why is it acceptable to have a man crush on a celebrity, but not my buddy?

A man crush is more of a hypothetical relationship, then an actual one. If you find yourself going all Champ from Anchorman, wanting to get an apartment with your buddy and missing his musk, you probably don’t have a man crush; you have a crush crush.

Q. If I take my man crush out to dinner, should I pay?

Absolutely. And if you take them out bowling, you should let them win. They like that.

Q. Can I name my dog after my man crush.

Yes.

Q. Can I name my son after my man crush?

No. (Unless, of course, they win the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Title or NCAA Championship.)

Q. Can I have a man crush on you?

Of course. To be expected.

Hopefully these answers helped to clarify your inner feelings and let you proudly declare your man crushes. As my friend so aptly put it, "There's nothing wrong with having a man crush. In fact, I think sleeping with Brad Pitt would make you more of a man."

Bravo.

Bye Week Survival Guide

The University of Hawaii football team has a bye this week, which, for those erudite readers who frequent the J-Borhood for it’s haute couture, but lack the sports acumen to adequately comprehend my topic of choice, means they do not play a game this week. While this greatly benefits the team, providing them an opportunity to rest and regroup, it leaves me with a giant problem:

I have nothing to do on Saturday.

Saturdays during football season are reserved for watching UH Football. With no game this week, it leaves me scrambling to come up with a way to fill the void. To help those of you at home suffering from the same malady, I came up with a list of 10 things to do during a bye week to help maintain your sanity.

Enjoy!

10. Clean your house

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…ok, seriously, moving on…

9. Write a letter to your favorite sports columnist

Tell them how much you appreciate their work. Tell them how they have a fabulously intelligent and clear voice. Tell them they are dead sexy.

You can reach them here: jborhood@gmail.com

8. Read a book

For the record, Playboy does not count as a book. (Unless, of course, you read the articles.)

7. Play tackle football with your friends

The best part about a bye week is that all your friends have a free weekend too! Round up your buddies, grab some beer and toss the football around. Half time occurs when the first guy has to pee. The game ends when someone breaks an ankle.

6. Take a shower

Disregard this if your team is undefeated. You wouldn’t want to wreck the mojo.

5. Improve your vocabulary / Feed the Hungry

The best part? You can accomplish both at the same time, because that’s how we roll in the J-Borhood.

All you need to do is go to www.freerice.com. The site provides you an endless series of vocabulary questions and donates 10 grains of rice to impoverished people for every correct answer. Go break a mental sweat and make the world a better place!

4. Plan for next week’s tailgate party

It’s never too early to start planning for next week’s tailgate party. The J-Borhood recommends an assortment of ribs, sausage, multiple kegs, a stripper pole and a sheep. Never underestimate the importance of a sheep.

3. Go Outside

I know this sounds crazy, but before you stage a mass revolt, allow me to explain. I’m not advocating a major shift in your routine, just a change in perspective. Grab your couch, pick up a six-pack, haul them outside and proceed with business as usual. (Note: For those of you on the East Coast, I’d suggest putting on a jacket first. I hear that the thermostat does not work as well outdoors…)

2. Hang out with your girlfriend

For bonus points, tell them that you want to hang out with them this week instead of watching the game. Works like a charm.

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE NUMBER ONE THING TO DO ON A BYE WEEK IS…

1. Watch other games!

Because, honestly, going a week without football would be crazy.

A Game of Chance

Sports are supposed to be fun.

Not exactly the type of groundbreaking epiphany you have come to expect from the JBorhood, but an important concept, nonetheless. Whether you watch sports, hear about sports, read about sports (on the JBorhood, of course) or participate in sports, you should enjoy yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a cheerful attitude about defeat, lord knows I have suffered my share of agonizing sports moments (damn you, Steve Bartman), but overall, I think people should participate in athletics because they enjoy it.

Which is why I take issue with gambling on sports.

Gambling removes the thrill of competition from sports. The focus is no longer on winning and losing. The focus is on winning and losing money.

The primary example of this skewed focus is the spread. For those of you unfamiliar with sports gambling, the spread is a concept used to level the playing field between two teams for the purpose of gambling. For example, if the New England Patriots played the University of Hawaii in a football game and you wanted to bet on the winner, you would undoubtedly pick the University of Hawaii (I mean come on, they’ve got COLT BRENNEN…). Just kidding. You’d pick the Patriots. Now, in order to make the pick fair, for the purposes of gambling, the person accepting the bet would set a required margin of victory for the favorite, let’s say 50 points, which is called the spread. In other words, if you pick New England to win, they have to win by more then 50 points for you to win money. Conversely, if you bet on Hawaii, they just need to lose by less then 50 points for you to win.

This sounds innocuous enough, except now, everyone that bets on the game no longer cheers for Hawaii or New England to win, they cheer for them to beat the spread. New England could take Hawaii out to the wood shed to the tune of 49-0 and people that bet on Hawaii would consider it a victory, while people that bet on New England would lament the defeat. In other words, Hawaii bettors consider any thing less then an utter humiliation a victory and New England bettors consider anything less then complete domination a defeat.

Gambling changes the goal of the sporting event from winning the game to winning the bet and there is something fundamentally wrong with an activity that leads to either, (a) feeling upset that you won, or (b) feeling happy that you lost. (Side note: There are acceptable scenarios for feeling upset after a victory or amicable after defeat. For example, a narrow victory that reveals a fatal flaw in your team, a victory in which you lose a key player to injury, or winning a who-has-more-STD’s competition with your friends. Never good to win that one…) The thrill of sports lies in the hard work, persistence and determination required to win, not correctly predicting the outcome. The joy that would accompany a Cubs World Series win or UH appearing in a BCS game comes from the years of following the teams, experiencing the agony of defeat and finally getting over the hump. It doesn’t matter how they won, or that you thought they would win, just that they won. I can put money on the Cubs not winning the World Series every year, but it doesn’t make me feel any better when they lose.

As you can probably guess at this point, I’m not the biggest gambler, but longtime J-Bors (who am I kidding, I don’t even have short term J-Bors…) will remember my participation in the annual J-Borhood Monday Night Pickoff. Me and my buddy Sean watch every Monday Night Football game and take turns picking the winner. If one our favorite teams is involved (Sean is a Colts fan, bastard, and I’m a Bears fan), then we automatically get to pick them. At the end of the season, if gambling were legal (*wink*), the person who picked more games correctly would win a six pack. The pickoff never interfered with our enjoyment of the games, until last week.

Last week, the 5-0 Dallas Cowboys were playing the absolutely horrid 1-4 Buffalo Bills. It was my turn to pick, so of course, I picked the Cowboys. Except, I felt bad about the pick, because the game appeared so lopsided. The Cowboys had just come off a Sunday night beat down of the reigning NFC champion Bears and looked to make short work of the undermanned Bills. In a moment of weakness, which I regret to this day, I told Sean, “Why don’t we use the spread.” From that moment on, I was no longer cheering for the Cowboys to win. I was cheering for them to win by 10 points.

Flash forward three hours, I’m sitting on the couch watching one most exciting Monday Night Football games in history. Exciting, that is, to everyone but me.

The Bills intercepted Dallas QB Tony Romo 5 times, recovered a fumble, returned two of the interceptions for touchdowns, returned a kickoff for a touchdown and clung to a 24-16 lead with 1:59 to play. On what appeared to be their last possession, Dallas slowly drove down the field and scored the potentially tie breaking touchdown with only :20 left. They attempted the two-point conversion to tie the game and Tony Romo lofted a near perfect pass to Terrell Owens in the corner of the end zone…only the Bills defensive back ripped the ball out of the Owens’s hands to preserve the victory.

Or so they thought.

With almost no time remaining, Dallas successfully recovered an onside kick. On the ensuing drive, Terrell Owens made a spectacular sliding catch of a Tony Romo ball at the Buffalo 10 to potentially set up the field goal, except time was running out. The Cowboys rushed to the line of scrimmage and managed to spike the ball with one second remaining. Just as the Cowboys kicker was running on the field to take kick, the referees ruled that they had reviewed the Terrell Owens catch and ruled that the ball touched the ground before he caught it.

No game tying field goal. Cowboys back at midfield. 17 seconds back on the clock.

The Cowboys ran two more plays to set up a ridiculously long 53 yard field goal, for their rookie kicker, Nick Folk, whose career long was 47 yards. Folk stepped back, Dallas snapped the ball and Folk nailed the longest field goal of his career to win the game.

Or so he thought.

Unbeknownst to Dallas, Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron called a time out right before the ball was snapped, so Dallas had to kick the field goal again. They line up again, Dallas snaps the ball and the rookie crushes it right down the middle again, finishing off one of the most absurd comebacks of all time.

As I watched this truly unbelievable sequence of events transpire, I should have been excited. I should jumped up and down and celebrated the victory the Cowboys stole from Sean’s clutches. Instead, I thought “the Cowboys aren’t going to cover the spread” and sulked over my “defeat”. A sad way to end a truly spectacular game.

So I say a pox on the spread. From now on, I’ll take my sports just like I take my scotch: straight up.

Weekend Diversion

Aloha friends and J-Bors.

Due to the start of the MLB playoffs, I posted my weekly article on Wednesday instead of Friday. That said, in order to keep my promise of delivering original content every Friday, here are a few comical links to tide you over until next week (and help you forget about the first two Cubs games...)

Criagslist meets Wallstreet

Class justification in World of Warcraft (Full disclosure, the following content is graphically dorky...)

Last, but certainly not least, I was using Google Language Tools to avoid a proxy server, so I translated the text of the Yahoo Sports page to check out the score of the Yankees/Indians game. I was puzzled by the fact that a Yankee outfielder named, M. Goatherd, hit a home run so I clicked on his name to find out more information about this unknown player. When I got to his player page, I started laughing hysterically. Apparently, Yahoo automatically translated the last name of Yankee outfielder, Melky Cabrera, from Spanish to English, which gives us...

2007 MLB Playoff Primer

Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it. Writing about it won’t jinx it.

I mumbled the mantra under my breath all day as I struggled to decide whether to write about the Cubs and the upcoming Major League Baseball playoffs or crawl under a rock. On one hand, I wanted to continue the J-Borhood tradition of hysterically bad predictions -- I’ve incorrectly picked the last two Super Bowl winners and only guessed 2 of 7 series winners from last season’s MLB playoffs – on the other hand, I was not sure I could handle the pressure of potentially cursing the Cubs playoff hopes. That’s when I had an epiphany:

How could I possible jinx the most cursed franchise of all time?

Any possible jinx that I placed on the Cubs would pale in comparison to the Curse of the Billy Goat and 99 years of combined futility. Moreover, maybe the added gravity from my curse would cause all the negative energy of the Cubs to implode like a black hole and explode outward in a supernova of good luck that ultimately propels the Cubs to the World Series Championship! (I’m a Cubs fan. Let me have my delusions.)

At the end of the day, I decided that writing about the Cubs winning the World Series is about as close as I will ever get to experiencing a true Cubs championship, so I better take the opportunity while I can. With that in mind, sit back, relax and enjoy my list of 20 reasons to watch the 2007 MLB playoffs and my 2007 MLB playoff prognostications.Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a rock before all the good ones get taken.

TOP 20 REASONS TO WATCH THE 2007 MLB PLAYOFFS

20. The potential for Yankees/Red Sox Armageddon III

The never ending Yankees/Red Sox coverage is like a train wreck. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t avert your eyes. Even though the prospect of a week of non-stop Yankees/Red Sox coverage makes non-Boston and New York fans nauseous, Yankees/Red Sox is still the best rivalry in sports. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to puke.

19. The potential for an Angles vs. Indians ALCS

Because, contrary to what ESPN would have you believe, good baseball is played west of the Appalachians.

18. Curse Watch 2007

Last time the Cubs were in the post-season, Fox had a computerized goat run across the screen before every commercial break. In preparation for this year’s round the clock Cubs curse coverage, I created a handy Cubs playoff drinking game:

Every time an announcer mentions the Cubs history of futility: Take a drink
Every time they mention the Curse of the Billy goat: Take a shot
Every time they mention Steve Bartman: Start to take a drink, but spill it on yourself and blame it on the person sitting next to you.
Every time the Cubs botch a play and the announcers attribute it to a curse: Chug a beer
Every time the Cubs blow a routine play that causes them to lose the game: Slam head repeatedly into table and remember why you vowed to never watch Cubs playoff baseball again after 2003.

Cubs playoff baseball, catch the excitement!

17. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck

Oh wait, that was for my other list: Top 20 Reasons NOT to watch the MLB playoffs…

16. Seven new playoff teams

No Tigers. No A’s. No Twins. No Padres. No Cardinals. No Mets. No Dodgers. Who says parity isn’t alive and well in baseball?

15. Youth aboundsArizona’s starting lineup features more rookies (Chris Young, Justin Upton, Mark Reynolds, Connor Jackson, Stephen Drew), then veterans. The Rockies have two rookie starters, a rookie shortstop and a lineup of numerous three years players. Even veteran stalwarts like the Red Sox (Dustin Pedroia, Jacoby Ellsbury, John Papelbon), Yankees (Joba Chamberlain, Ian Kennedy) and Cubs (Ryan Theriot, Carlos Marmol, Mike Fontenot) have rookies and second year players making huge contributions. With all the quality young players in the post-season, a few are bound to make history. For those of you with more morbid senses of humor, a few are also bound to irreparably damage their confidence. Either way, you can't lose!

14. The Phillies Hitting

Speed. Power. Patience. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

13. The Phillies Pitching

Which is a good thing, given that their starting staff consists of an injured ace, an old guy, a rookie and a journeymen. If you enjoy watching offensive baseball, the Phillies provide excitement in droves.

(At this point I like to mention an awe-inspiring talent of one member of each team in the playoffs, but I just realized that I don’t know anything about any member of the Rockies. Seriously. With that in mind…)

12. The Rockies ability to win without any recognizable players

11. Joe Borowski pitching. In the playoffs.

10. Vlad’s ability to hit a pitch four feet off the plate.

9. Jimmy Rollin’s Speed

8. Joba Chamberlain’s Heat

7. Joba Chamberlain’s Name

6. Brandon Webb’s Sinker

5. Big Papi’s Swagger

4. Carlos Zambrano’s Temper

3. The fact that the Cubs are in the playoffs

2. The Cubs eventual meltdown (At least you know it’ll be memorable…)

1. What would happen if the Cubs did not melt down

2007 MLB PLAYOFF PROGNOSTICATION

Division Series

American League
Yankees over Indians
Red Sox over Angels

I’d like to say, for the record, that I hope this doesn’t happen. That said, I can’t see it any other way, due to the unfortunate matchups. If American League Baseball was rock-paper-scissors then Yankees beat Indians, Indians beat Red Sox, Red Sox beat Angels, and Angels beat Yankees. The Red Sox own Angels ace, John Lackey (1-4 with a 7+ ERA against the Red Sox) and the Indians lack the offensive firepower to exploit the Yankees poor pitching staff. Sad, but true.

Get ready, because Armageddon is coming.

National League
Cubs over Diamondbacks
Phillies over Rockies

I spent the last three days trying to figure out how the Diamondback won 90 games. I found nothing. They have one player, Eric Byrnes, an Oakland castoff, who hits above .300 and only one starting pitcher, Brandon Webb, who consistently comes to play. I’m starting to wonder if they poison the water in the opponents dugout… On the other side, I think it’s a complete toss up. The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 games and the Phillies made a historical comeback to win the National League East. The Phillies have better hitting and the Rockies have better pitching, but the Phillies have home field advantage. Plus, my parents next door neighbor is a die-hard Phillies fan and I promised him I’d pick the Phillies.

League Championship Series

American League
Red Sox over Yankees

Personally, I think the Yankees have the recent emotional edge, which gives them the slight upper hand. But I picked them last year and they lost in the first round. Advantage, Red Sox.

National League
Cubs over Phillies

The Phillies scare me. They have the perfect strong hitting, weak pitching setup that gives the Cubs fits. But this is my blog, damn it. GO CUBS!

World Series
Cubs over Red Sox

Recent history has taught me that the Cubs are a million times more likely to implode in catastrophic, historical fashion then win the World Series. But I feel like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when Lauren Holly tells him that they have a billion-to-one chance of ever getting together…

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME, THERE’S A CHANCE!

GO CUBS!