[UPDATED: Friday 10/27 - 1:35 PM]
America, the large gust of wind you just felt from the southwest was the air coming out of the Cardinals sails. I’m not sure where Monday night’s loss falls in the pantheon of sports defeat, but I imagine that a number of Cardinal fans have undergone a week long hang over. I’m sure the fact that none of the fans believed the Cardinals would win the game helped to ease the blow, but I’m a Bears fan, and I still feel ill about Monday night’s game. I kept asking people about the game the next day to verify that the Bears actually won. (You’ll have to forgive me; I am accustomed to watching Chicago sports teams find imaginative ways to lose, not the other way around.) I’m still not sure how a team managed to squander a 20 point lead without allowing any points on defense, but at this point I’m convinced it actually happened. The internet is saturated with stories examining every facet of, what they’re calling, one of the biggest choke-jobs in NFL history. In fact, there’s already been so much media coverage of the story that I thought I would take this opportunity to take a brief detour from sports and discuss another J-Borhood favorite: Cinema.
Every October the Hawaii International Film Festival comes to town, bringing a heap of esoteric foreign films, Asian horror films and, of course, low-budget high unintentionally comedic masterpieces. The Editor-in-Chief and I make a habit of going every year, so I thought I’d share our experiences with you and discuss the various films. I’ll update this post almost every day to discuss the films du-jour, so check back often and enjoy the show!
Thursday - 10/19
Babel
Babel, a.k.a. Crash: International Edition, was filmed in four countries and five different languages, offering conclusive proof that awful depressing things happen to people of all countries and races. The movie chronicles the connection between American Tourists, their Mexican housekeeper, a family of Moroccan farmers, and a deaf girl from Japan, which as far as I could tell was they all had a really awful day. The ensemble cast was superb, highlighted by Gael Garcia Bernal’s stunning role as the quintessential shady Mexican uncle. Though the movie started slow, it quickly developed into a gripping and moving story and filmmaker Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu displayed a natural ability to display emotion on screen with stark and visceral shots. The movie will certainly receive well deserved critical acclaim but I hesitate recommending it because the depressing and draining story line leaves you feeling like you were repeatedly punched in the stomach for two hours.
[Sports related side note: A large portion of the movie takes place in the barren Moroccan countryside; a place where people farm, beg for money, and play soccer. Seriously, it seems like every kid in Morocco is playing soccer in this film. Even the farmer kids who live in stone hut in the middle of the desert have soccer posters on their wall. No electricity, no running water, no shoes, no goal and only a wadded bundle of cloth for a ball, yet they still play soccer 24/7. Is it any wonder the U.S. always loses in the World Cup? We need to disband our team now and save ourselves the embarrassment.]
Friday - 10/20
Silk
Silk is a schizophrenic Japanese supernatural thriller that begs the question: Why do all Japanese ghosts have creepy long black hair that covers their hollow white eyes? (Seriously, if a little Japanese boy shows up at my doorstep this Halloween covered in flour with his hair over his eyes, looking down and holding out his bag of candy I’m making a run for it.) The movie followed a team of researchers studying the connection between ghosts and anti-gravity technology and, along the way, gave insights into the modern Japanese philosophies of the after-life. I can give you the short version – people in Japan have seen so many horror movies that they’re convinced freaky things happen to you when you die – but I highly recommend sitting through the various twists, turns, and excitement of this stylish thriller. The movie attempts to tackle a little too much – cop thriller, ghost story, philosophical discussion of the afterlife, anti-gravity research – and ends up a rather tangled mess at times, but let’s be honest, any movie that features a man dressed in Armani, stopping his car in the middle of the street, pulling out an assault rifle and shooting a ghost in the head gets an official J-Borhood seal of approval.
Saturday - 10/21
Saigon Love Story
Every day ladies from my office crowd into the lunch room to watch Soap Operas. The 11 o’clock crew watches Bold and the Beautiful followed by the noon shift who watches Guiding Light. I never understood the endless devotion to the poorly acted, awfully scripted shows, until I started watching clips while I microwaved my food. The shows are essentially an hour long barrage of interlocking cliff hangers. As soon as Ava finally tells Alan-Michael that he is the father of her baby, Jon tells Tammy that he has to move forward with his life and leave her behind and Coop learns that Olivia hired a hit-man to kill Alan. In the same vein, Saigon Love Story is essentially a wonderfully acted, beautifully scripted 2 hour long Vietnamese Soap Opera. Danh, who lives in relative poverty with his mother, falls in love with an aspiring singer named Tam, but is forbidden to see her by his mother, who wants him to marry the daughter of the owner of the factory where Danh works. Saigon Love Story chronicles Danh’s dilemma of honoring his mother’s wishes and raising the family out of poverty or following his heart. Overly dramatic? Yes. But an enthralling ride from start to finish. I wholly expect to see the plot make its way to next season of Guiding Light, as Coop struggle to choose between the beautiful Ava and the vindictive, yet wealthy Olivia. Just remember, you heard it here first.
The Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Freeloading Sex Machine
Everyone has a buddy who enjoys completely bizarre cinema. You know, the guy who comes back from the video store with Black Rage – “When you’re a slave, you only have one weapon…Black Rage.” I wish I was kidding – after scrounging around the local video store’s bargain bin for three hours. In college, my buddy Goldie routinely brought home movies of this nature, which we all initially hated, but quickly turned in to cult favorites and resulted in numerous drunken nights of repeated viewing. After watching The Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Freeloading Sex Machine I would like to nominate it to the Goldie Movie Hall of Fame. This movie features pounding sex in an earthquake, a cucumber inserted into a man’s glory hole, cricket wrestling (yes, you read that correctly), and a 60 year old man enjoying the fruits of a beautiful young woman. And that was just the first 15 minutes. This irreverent sexual comedy compares human’s sexual desires and modern mating habits to the breeding rituals and courtship competition of crickets (yes, once again, you read that right). Full of graphic scenes that would compel anyone to cancel their Cinemax membership and a hilarious, anarchistic sense of humor, Hiroshi is a wild comedic ride from start to climax.
Sunday – 10/22
Crazy Stone
Crazy Stone is a hilarious crime caper from China in the style of Western crime comedies like Snatch. (Ok, get it out now. Once you’re done laughing about Chinese Snatch we can proceed. Ready? Ok, where were we…) The plot follows that comedy of errors that ensues as a security director’s attempts to guard a valuable jade pendant from a professional thief, a group of bungling would-be criminals, his boss’s son and a slew of others, while the thieves race to steal the pendant before each other. Full of fast cuts, clever one-liners, and an intelligent and unpredictable script, Crazy Stone provides high-powered laughs. If you’re tired of overdone and under-funny American comedies, pick up this comedic sleeper and enjoy the show.
[Random Culture note: I haven’t quite figured out why, but everyone in Asian movies seems to beat the thunder out of each other. It seems perfectly acceptable to smack around your brother, son, cousin, friend or even a perfect stranger when they do something stupid. The characters in Crazy Stone spend upwards of half an hour beating each other up in comedic fashion. Either it is totally acceptable to smack people around in Asian cultures, so long as they are an idiot or it’s completely taboo, and so they use cinema to vent their pent up desire to smack each other around. Personally, I hope it’s the former.]
Monday – 10/23
No films on Monday, but since it’s a video edition of the J-Borhood, I had to share this clip of Endy Chavez’s catch from Game Seven of the National League Championship Series with you. It is the most amazing catch in MLB postseason history. (I’m channeling my inner-Jordan right there. For those that don’t know my brother or his alter-ego Captain Hyperbole, don’t worry. I’ll fully explain in a future column.) After watching this clip, I challenge anyone to find a bigger, more important, more amazing playoff catch, because it doesn’t exist.
Funny/tragic side note about this catch, if the Cardinals hadn’t come back and won, I think my buddy Williamson, THE die-hard Hawaii Cardinal fan (Seriously, the guy takes a mini-cutout of Albert Pujols with him to the bar and orders him beer), would have spiraled into a week long drinking binge because of Endy Chavez. I’ve been trying and I can’t imagine a funnier and less likely reasons to drink for a week then Endy Chavez. Curse you, Gods of Comedy!
[UPDATE: Sorry, YouTube removed the video due to copyright infringement, but you can view it at MLB.com by following this link]
Watch the catch here
Tuesday – 10/24
We celebrated the EIC’s birthday on Tuesday so we didn’t attend any movies, however, I do have another awesome video to share. Check out this surprisingly amazing rap video from U.S. Soccer star and J-Borhood favorite, Clint Dempsey.
Breakout World Cup performance. Great MLS season. Wicked rap video. Dempsey’s the Hansel of the soccer world. He’ so hot right now. So hot.
Wednesday – 10/25
APT
Loyalty, humility and respect are hallmarks of Asian culture. Even if you didn’t know anything about Eastern culture or customs, as long as you behaved in an obsequious manner and practiced exceptional politeness you would have little problems fitting in to Asian society. If you do not respect these virtues, eschewing loyalty for personal gain, acting selfishly or disrespecting others, you will die a gruesome agonizing death at the hands of a pale, dark haired specter. That’s the message coming load and clear from Asian cinema these days. I’m half convinced that it’s a wave of propaganda coming to us from Asia in order to combat the notion that Asian’s are small and non-threatening. Each movie features a person coming back from the grave to exact their gruesome revenge on people who slighted them in real life. At this point, I’m afraid to piss out anyone of Asian decent for fear that they’ll harbor a deep seated hatred, which will allow them to rise from the grave, move like a claymation monster and utter a terrifying sound that falls somewhere between a moan and a motorcycle engine.
[Question: Since my wife is a quarter Japanese, does that mean:
- she has a 25% chance of coming back as a ghost
- she’ll come back as a ghost that’s one quarter her size
- she’ll only be 25% as creepy
This particular film features a lady who notices that all the lights flicker and then go out at 9:56 PM every night at the apartment across from her. Somehow, each blackout results in another member of the apartment committing suicide in horrifying fashion. As the woman investigates the deaths, she begins to learn the dark secret of the apartment – hint: it has something to do with a dead person coming back to exact their revenge – and soon finds herself trapped in the . Creepy, riveting and chock full of all the thrills and chills you’d expect from a thriller of this nature, APT is another fantastic film that makes sure you’re adequately terrified of Asian people.
Thursday – 10/26
Nightmare Detective
I am a big fan of M. Night Shyamalan. In my humble opinion, no one does a better job of wasting their incredible directing talent by forcing 17 contrasting themes into a movie, when one will do. My personal favorite is Signs, which constantly vacillates between horror, science fiction, philosophical and religious themes without fully developing or exploring ANY of them. Shyamalan finishes off the film by inserting his patented twist ending, effectively bludgeoning the film over the head like a baby seal and cementing his spot in the wasted talent Hall of Fame. Shyamalan is so effective at ruining quality film making that the second place director isn’t even close…until now.
46 year old Tsukamoto Shinya, the director of Nightmare Detective, combines a raw energy, imaginative style and visceral imagery, which separates the viewer from their comfort zone and leaves them in a state of shock. His incredible work with a hand held camera and frightening sound effects creates gripping horror sequences on a shoestring budget – think, Japanese Evil Dead. The first 15 minutes of Nightmare Detective left me intrigued, out-of-breath and completely immersed me in its spine-chilling world. The next hour and a half left me confused and disappointed, yet bizarrely entertained: a true M. Night Special. The movie featured amazing horror sequences, bizarre science fiction moments, odd philosophical flashes, a 5 minute vintage Samurai sequence, complete with exaggerated posing and extensive flashbacks, and even managed to throw-in a little romantic interest at the end. Sadly, this constant schizophrenia tarnishes the innovative cinematography, but on a positive note, Shyamalan is no longer alone in the pantheon of crippled ability.
