I’m writing this week’s entry on my laptop, sitting on my couch, perusing two of my three email accounts (it used to be four, but sadly, whitewonder@coolshit.com never caught on), listening to the daily Pardon the Interruption pod cast, updating my Blockbuster online queue, editing a work document via VPN, while watching last nights news. Tivo’ed. On digital cable. On a 52 inch plasma screen. In high definition.
If I could convince the EIC to hook up an I.V. drip and organize the occasional conjugal visit, I wouldn’t have to get up until Thanksgiving.
Modern technology has provided humanity so many important benefits – electricity, flushing toilets, Sportscenter in HD – but it can also work against us. Take Tivo for example. Before Tivo, sports couldn’t wait. If the game was about to start but you hadn’t fixed the geyser of water streaming from your broken bathtub, you dealt with the flood. Nowadays, kickoff time is a magical floating point that can be moved to accommodate any other insignificant detail – the lawn isn’t mowed, it’s time for dinner, the kids need to be picked up from school. This week, Tivo affronted the previously unassailable bastions of male freedom: Monday Night Football.
I had to work late on Monday and Tuesday nights, so my buddy Sean and I agreed to postpone the game until Wednesday. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Stay away from ESPN.com, don’t watch Sportscenter, and in two days normalcy resumes. I had no idea.
During a normal day, I’ll wake up, check my fantasy team, read the latest news on ChicagoSports.com, and then drive to work listening to KKEA, Sports Radio 1420. Once I’m at work I’ll check ESPN.com to read the latest from Bill Simmons and Gregg Easterbrook, peruse SI.com to see what Dr. Z and Peter King have to say and then check out the latest headlines from Yahoo. During the day I’ll check my fantasy site a few times to send a couple trade offers and talk the requisite amount of trash. When I drive home, more Sports Radio 1420 and then some Baseball Tonight or Sportscenter at home. But not this week. I didn't want to inadvertantly find out the outcome of the game, so I boycotted everythign sports. All of a sudden, the crux of my existence (just kidding honey) evaporated and I had all this free time.
The sports-free world was an isolated and lonely place. With no place to turn, I started checking the news on Digg.com and listening to NPR. During this time I learned:
• Autistic kids can play Space Invaders with their mind
• Politicians are still corrupt
• People built cities a long time ago
• Goofy gets horny and occasionally humps Minnie
Fascinating? Yes, but no substitute for my daily dose of male soap opera. Who had TO blamed for dropping three balls against the Eagles? (I’m guessing Global Warming.) Had A-Rod recovered from wetting himself in the batters box against the Tigers? What new crime did Stephen Jackson commit? Who did the Cubs hire as their future ex-manager?
We must protect this house!
When Wednesday night finally arrived, Sean and I broke out the cheese dip, dim sum, and hamburgers – because really, what’s Wednesday night football without a little culture? – poured a few glasses of Johnny Walker black and fired up the game. The extended wait gave the game a sort of Super Bowl level of excitement and we started giving enthusiastic high fives after big hits and cheering loudly after every big play. Only, the big hits never came and the big plays never materialized. We sat it a state of shock as the Broncos and Ravens played the most boring football game in the history of man. We’re not talking regular boring, we’re talking David Caruso-combing-his-hair-in-the-morning boring. (“Nine hundred ninety eight. Nine hundred ninety nine. One thousand. My, my, David. That is an amazing part.”)
Hey everyone, come see how good I look.
After the game Sean and I quickly agreed on the evils of Tivo and vowed to never allow outside commitments to overshadow the importance of Monday Night Football. From here on out, if we’re going to watch an awful football game, then damn it, we’re going to watch it live!
I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to sports for my rash and irrational actions. I turned my back on you and I’m woefully regretful. I’ll never leave you again.
Since I can’t possibly comment on every humorous happening in the sporting world, I thought I’d let you in on a few things that make me laugh my ass off each week. Enjoy.
J-Borhood Interesting Iotas of the Week:
1. The Oakland Raiders are bad.
Ok, so this isn’t news, however, this week they reached a new low. This week the Raider’s are a 15 point underdog against a team that only averages 12.2 points a game. Congratulations fellahs, you’ve hit rock bottom.
2. In honor of Chad Johnson, I've decided to change my voicemail message.
What, pray tell, do you hear when you get the mercurial Bengals wide receiver's voicemail?
"Yeah."
3. Reason number 1,789,247,398 I love John Madden
During the Bear's utter dominance over the Seahawks last Sunday night, Seattle was whistled for having 12 men on the field. Without skipping a beat, Madden chimed in, "Ah, the old 4-4-4, works every time!"
4. Brian Ching reminded everyone why Bruce Arena is an idiot
Hawaii native Brian Ching, a member of the 2006 United State World Cup team, who inexplicably never saw the field during the opening round choke job by the US, made the MLS play-of-the-EVER against DC United this week.
J-BORHOOD MONDAY NIGHT PICKOFF 2006: WEEK 5
I’ve taken a commanding 3-1 lead in the early stages of the game and look to increase that lead this week, with a pick that required no thought. In case you haven’t heard – and if you read the J-Borhood, you’re heard – the Bears are undefeated and looking like the best team in football. They have the league’s stingiest defense AND the league’s highest scoring offense. It’s a little ridiculous. I keep waiting for Joe Montana to take off his Rex Grossman mask and scream, surprise! Anyhow, the pain train should keep rolling along this week as the Bears line up against the Arizona Cardinals.
Powerhouse Defense + Rookie Quarterback + Laughable Offensive Line = KABLAMMO!
I’m setting the over/under for time it takes Leinart to wish he was still at USC at 5 minutes. And I’m taking the under. I think the Bears carve up the Cardinals to the tune of 35-0 and I’m going to enjoy every minute.
Needless to say, I’m not going to Tivo this one.
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