Following the wave of metrosexuality in the United States, men have become increasingly more comfortable displaying their affection for their favorite athletes and movie stars, which has sparked the emergence of a new heterosexual man relationship: The Man Crush. Unfortunately, men are new to the concept of sharing their feelings with other guys, which often leads to uncomfortable situations and endless confusion surrounding these previously unexplored feelings. In order to shed some light on the fledgling relationships and help clear up any unnecessary confusion, I've decided to answer some of the most common questions about man crushes.
Q. How can I tell the difference between admiration and a man crush?
Admiration is characterized by a feeling of respect for someone’s talent and abilities. A man crush, on the other hand, represents a deeper, more personal relationship. Someone with whom you’d want to be friends. Someone who you imagine you would have been were you born taller, more athletic and better looking.
If you wonder whether you have a man crush on someone, or just admire them, ask yourself: How would I feel if they slept with my girlfriend? For example, I admire the work of Abraham Lincoln, but having a man crush on him would be downright creepy.
Q. Can I have more then one man crush?
It is perfectly acceptable to have a man crush on more then one player, provided you follow these guidelines:
- You cannot have a man crush on two players from the same team. You wouldn’t date two sisters at the same time, would you? (Well, not unless they were twins…)
- You cannot have a man crush on two players that play the same position. That would be a threesome and that’s just wrong.
- You cannot have a man crush on more then four players in the same sport. If you have a man crush on too many players, they’ll think you’re a jerk and you’ll have a hard time getting a date. Oh wait, that’s just girls. Scratch that.
Q. What are acceptable circumstances for breaking up with my man crush?
A man crush is to dating, as fandom is to marriage. Much like with dating, you can’t just break up with a man crush for no reason, but fortunately, unlike fandom or marriage, you don’t have to go through a messy divorce when things go wrong. You can safely break up with a man crush under any of the following circumstances, without worrying about hurt feelings:
- Graduation. You can rescind your crush once your man crush graduates from college. Likewise, you have the option of maintaining your relationship into the pros.
- They leave under bad circumstances. You are obligated to break up with your man crush if they decide to take a bigger payday somewhere else, join a rival team or make disparaging statements about your team on the way out the door. The only exception is if your team does not make an honest effort to retain them. In that case, the choice is yours.
- On/Off Field Transgressions. If your man crush ceases to live up to your expectations, or embarrasses you with shameful off-field problems (arrests, drug problems, stupidity), you can walk away with no strings attached.
Q. Can I become a fan of a team because my man crush plays for them?
No. Becoming a fan is a scared rite of passage that represents true loyalty and devotion. Man crushes come and go, but fandom lasts forever.
Q. Can I have a man crush on someone who plays for a rival team?
Absolutely not. I’ll ignore the fact that even the thought of this make me want to puke and try to address the question.
Q. Is it acceptable to root for my man crush when he is playing against my favorite team?
No. This rule also applies to whether you can cheer for a player on your fantasy team when they are playing your team.
Q. How far can my man crush go, before it’s considered too far?
It is perfectly acceptable to put a poster of them on the wall. It is unacceptable to put up a framed glam shot.
It is acceptable to tape your man crush’s games. It is unacceptable to tape over your wedding video.
It is acceptable to pretend to be them while playing their sport. It is unacceptable to pretend to be them while having sex.
Q. Why is it acceptable to have a man crush on a celebrity, but not my buddy?
A man crush is more of a hypothetical relationship, then an actual one. If you find yourself going all Champ from Anchorman, wanting to get an apartment with your buddy and missing his musk, you probably don’t have a man crush; you have a crush crush.
Q. If I take my man crush out to dinner, should I pay?
Absolutely. And if you take them out bowling, you should let them win. They like that.
Q. Can I name my dog after my man crush.
Yes.
Q. Can I name my son after my man crush?
No. (Unless, of course, they win the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Title or NCAA Championship.)
Q. Can I have a man crush on you?
Of course. To be expected.
Hopefully these answers helped to clarify your inner feelings and let you proudly declare your man crushes. As my friend so aptly put it, "There's nothing wrong with having a man crush. In fact, I think sleeping with Brad Pitt would make you more of a man."
Bravo.
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