I had a hangover on Monday, physically and mentally. Strangely, neither stemmed from frustration about the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl victory.
The physical hangover resulted from an ill-conceived science experiment. A couple friends brought over a soda making kit - a gas injection device that carbonates anything - and we collectively decided that 9 p.m. was the best time to test a recipe for sparkling long island iced-teas, in the interest science, of course. Because you know what a 12 ounce cup of gin, vodka, tequila, and rum needs? Increased drinkability. The plan was either a rousing success or an epic failure depending on whether you asked us last Sunday night or Monday morning.
The mental hangover was harder to wrap my hands around.
A Packers Super Bowl victory is as close as you can come to a sports apocalypse for me. I hate Green Bay. I hate everything about them. I hate the Lambeau Leap. I hate the green and yellow uniforms. I'd hate the stupid cheese hats even more if they didn't help me so easily identify people with whom I will never be friends. Green Bay practically ruined my entire football watching childhood and, consequently, I enjoy watching the Packers lose almost as much as I enjoy watching the Bears win. (Hey, when you're a Chicago sports fan, sometimes schadenfreude is all you got.)
Yet, in the aftermath of the Packers victory and Aaron Roders coronation as Super Bowl MVP and the-next-great-quarterback I felt strangely ambivalent. I even tried to cry, but it turns out poking yourself in the palm with a dinner fork doesn't bring up tears, just searing pain in your hand. Try as I might, I could not get the faintest bit upset over what should have been one of the more vomit inducing championship celebrations of my life.
Because, frankly, I respect this team.
I feel like Vince Vaughn at the end of Anchorman, "I hate you Green Bay Packers. I hate you. But [gosh darn it], do I respect you."
I respect Aaron Rodgers. I respect Charles Woodsen. I respect the way BJ Raji is a dead ringer for the lady who played Precious. I respect Green Bay's cadre of wide receivers. I respect the way they can dominate on offense without any semblance of a running game. I respect the 2010 Green Bay Packers.
I never respected Brett Favre during his heyday. Not ever. Not even a little. I grew a grudging respect for him - a quasi-Stockholm syndrome - at the tail end of his career, but only after he started handing out interceptions to Bears defensive backs like glazed doughnuts at a Krispy Kreme. But during his prime? Pure, unadulterated hatred.
Brett Favre was the embodiment of pure evil. I hated the way announcers euphemized his interceptions as "gunslinging". I even hated the way he pronounces his name. THE R COMES AFTER THE V, BRETT. YOUR NAME IS FAHV-REH. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THIS? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Aaron Rodgers is different. He has played so well and displayed such dignity, grace, and leadership in the process, that I'm forced to admit not only a completely un-begrudged respect, but also a bit of admiration. Aaron Rodgers is everything you want in an NFL quarterback and, even though I tried as I hard as I could to get upset, I was happy to see him revel in the much deserved post-Super Bowl celebration.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to whip up an extra large batch of sparkling long island iced teas and throw my laptop through a window.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
I am unable to hate Aaron Rodgers (and I hate that)
Friday, February 04, 2011
The Annual Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2011
I am the World's foremost authority on Yo Gabba Gabba. Over the past two and a half years, I've spent more time with Muno, Foofa, Brobee, Toodee, Plex, and DJ Lance than anyone outside of my daughter and the Editor-in-Chief. If the fate of the free world hinges on an extensive knowledge of brightly colored furries teaching kids life lessons through indie music, President Obama is calling me.
In the grand scheme of children's television programming, Yo Gabba Gabba is quite tolerable (which I suppose is like saying in the grand scheme of Taco Bell food, Mexican Pizza is the least likely to cause diarrhea). Still, there's only so many times you can hear the catchy and informative song "Don't Bite Your Friends" before it starts to have the reverse effect. At a certain point - somewhere around the 4,700 hours mark - you start dreaming up inventive ways to postpone the slow creep of insanity resulting from the almost unbearable repetition of chirpy educational fluff.
My favorite tactic is to create alternate story lines and ponder the background and relationships of the characters. Yo Gabba Gabba supposedly chronicles the educational interactions between DJ Lance Rock and his collection of magical toys. But, when I watch, I see a much more intricate and mature and storyline.
Muno, the giant one-eyed bumpy orange phallus, is coming to grips with his homosexuality; Foofa, the pink "flower" creature, never received proper attention from her parents and desperately seeks affirmation, which drives her blatant promiscuity. Toodee, the blue female arctic cat-dragon, is tormented by her unrequited love of Foofa. Brobee, the green striped square with arms, suffers from learning disabilities and anger management issues, a sad result of his parents drug abuse. And Plex, the magic androgynous robot, struggles with the paradox of assisting the development of his friends while lacking the capability to feel. These complex emotional and psychological undercurrents provide sufficient depth to help me stave off the desire to set myself on fire during the 379th rendition of the song "I Like Bugs".
This Sunday, I'm going to have to use similar tactics to help keep me from banging my head against the wall during five hours of Packers and Steelers bacchanalia.
There are few teams or players in sports that I actually hate, but the Packers are one of them. While Chicago trotted out a different hide-the-women-and-children embarrassment to the very idea of quarterback play every year, the Packers had Brett Favre. From 1992 to the present, Rex Grossman led Bears Quarterbacks with 20 wins. During that same period, Brett Favre had 22 wins against the Bears. Now that Favre is no long around to torture Bears fans, the Packers new quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, might be even better. Shoot. Me. Now.
While I lack a similar personal connection to fuel my distaste for the Steelers, it's hard to root for a team that has won six Super Bowls and is poised to win their third in that past six years. Compound that with a quarterback who should probably be in prison for sexual assault charges - and yet, strangely, is more beloved and accepted than a guy who got pulled out of an NFC title game with a knee injury. Stallworth drove drunk and killed a pedestrian, Roethelesburger sexually assaulted a girl, Michael Vick viciously slaughtered dogs, but we hate Jay Cutler. Go figure. - and you see why I have trouble getting excited for Steeler Nation.
Worse of all, the game will end with either the coronation of Aaron Rodgers as the best quarterback alive (which would likely result with me vomiting in my hands), or fuel the patently absurd notion that Ben Roethlesburger is the greatest quarterback of all time (In his seven year career he's had a Top 3 defense five times, the #1 defense three times and led a Top 10 offense only twice - #9 both times. People who suggest Big Ben is better than Peyton Manning deserve an elbow to the crotch).
I can't remember a year when I've been less invested in a Super Bowl, which is strange considering it should be a great game. The Packers and Steelers are two of the NFL's oldest and most storied franchises. They both have incredible defenses and explosive offenses. By all accounts they are evenly matched and Sunday's game should be one of the most competitive ever. But, no matter what I try, I can't get excited for this Super Bowl.
I've spent the entire week trying to think of alternate story lines, unrelated to the game, to help stomach a 300 minute tug job of the franchise that ruined my formative football years and the team that wins championships like I make Rex Grossman jokes. Maybe I'll just go watch Yo Gabba Gabba with Haley. At least the music won't be as bad as the Black Eyed Peas at halftime.
In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.
In 2009, it was The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.
In 2010, it was The "It's actually just about the Quarterback" Bowl.
This year, I'm proud to present the One Too Many Injuries Bowl.
I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea of the Pittsburgh Steelers as underdogs in the Super Bowl. They've won more Lombardi Trophies than any team in history, two titles in the past six years, and always seem to come up big when it matters most (Roethlesburger to Santonio Holmes anyone?). But there's only so many injuries a team can sustain at key positions before you have to start wondering how they can patch the holes.
With Maurkice Pouncey officially out of Sunday's contest, the Steelers offensive line is playing without their starting center and both starting tackles. Ben Roethlesburger thrives at evading pressure in the pocket, extending the play, and making plays down field, but can a patch work offensive line reasonably contain a defense with BJ Raji, Clay Matthews, and Darren Woodsen that likes to disguise blitzes and bring pressure from all angles? How much smoke and how many mirrors do the Steelers have left? The battle at the line of scrimmage - on both sides of the ball - will define this contest, and I don't know if Pittsburgh has the man power to hold Green Bay at, well, bay.
When Pittsburgh has the ball, watch the middle of the line to see whether back up lineman Doug Legursky, making his first career start at center, can hold the point of attack against Green Bay's rotund nose tackle, Gabourey Sidibe look-alike BJ Raji. Between Roethlesburger's ability to escape pressure and Rashard Mendenhall's tough running, the Steelers are almost uniquely capable of overcoming offensive line deficiencies, but the line needs to, at least, give the playmakers a chance to get down field. Also, the Packers main weakness on defense is slowing down the tight end. Look for Pittsburgh TE Heath Miller to have a big day gashing Pittsburgh up the seam (For the gambling addicts out there, Miller has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.).
When Green Bay is on offense, keep a close eye on how close Pittsburgh lines up their defensive backs. Typically, they play one in tight press coverage and the other about 10 yards off the line of scrimmage. If Pittsburgh sticks with this alignment, Green Bay will rely heavily on quick slant patters - their bread and butter - and, as we saw on the Packers opening drive against the Bears in the NFC Title Game, are capable of getting down the field in a hurry. (For the gambling addicts out there, slant route runner extraordinaire also has 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl MVP. I'm just saying.) The battle between the Packers offense and Pittsburgh defense to make the other get out of their standard alignment could swing the outcome of the game.
At the end of the day, the Packers ability to spread out the Steelers defense on fast Dallas turf and apply pressure to an embattled Pittsburgh offensive line should result in a convincing, if not overwhelming Packers victory, except... Green Bay has this nagging tendency to let teams hang around and the Steelers thrive in ripping the heart out of opposing teams in close games and no one is better than Ben Roethlesburger at converting big third downs and leading game winning drives. If the Packers don't step on the Steelers' throat and keep them in the ball game, look for the Men of Steel to win their unprecedented seventh Lombardi Trophy.
But.... I don't think it will be close at end. I think the Packers jump out to a fast start and never look back. 31-21 Packers. Let the Aaron Rodgers coronation begin. I will now curl up in the fetal position, donning my Jay Cutler jersey.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
The Annual Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2010
When I was growing up, my life revolved around Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. (To be fair, I was only ten when the Bulls won their first title, so beer, breasts, and XBox Live hadn’t entered the picture yet.) I only wore Michael Jordan shoes; I let my tongue hang out when I played basketball; I memorized all the words to the “Be Like Mike” song; I literally thought I was Michael Jordan’s younger, whiter, clumsier, less athletically gifted, little brother from another mother. Basically, Michael Jordan without the height, strength, jump shot, vertical leap, lock down defensive ability or any discernible talent whatsoever. But if the NBA awarded points for recklessly traveling while flailing your limbs and haphazardly throwing your body into other players like a blind chicken with octopus arms (aside from the 2006 NBA Finals, of course), I’d be putting the finishing touches on my Hall-of-Fame career right now.
As the Bulls laid waste to the league in the 90’s – rattling off 6 straight titles (the two non-Jordan years never happened, just like MJ’s supposed comeback with the Wizards never happened) and winning an NBA record 72 games in a season – and Michael cemented his legacy as the most gifted player ever, I lived vicariously through the Bulls and enjoyed the finest period in my history as a sports fan. I watched the greatest player ever lead the greatest team ever and dominate the league so thoroughly that, by the end, even his early detractors could no longer deny their respect for him. On a nightly basis, no matter what you were doing, if Michael Jordan was playing, you canceled your plans. You never knew when he was going to do something you’d never seen before and might never see again.
Jordan didn’t make baskets.
Jordan made history.
I frequently curse my father for bestowing his hopeless love of Chicago sports on me, but truthfully, no amount of heartbreak can diminish the thrill of a decade’s worth of memories, cheering on the greatest player who ever lived. A lifetime of Eddy Currys, Rex Grossmans, Neifi Perezs, Cade McNowns, Dalibor Bagarics, Corey Pattersons, and, dare I say it, Voldermorts (a.k.a Steve “He who shall not be named” Bartman) are worth the pleasure of having watched MJ transcend greatness.
Now, history is repeating itself, and no one is talking about it.
So, lest you take it for granted, I implore you to watch every minute of tomorrow's Super Bowl and savor every second Peyton Manning has the football, because you might never see someone that good, that talented, and that driven take the field ever again. He is reinventing the position of Quarterback and making history with every dropback, every audible, and every touchdown. And whether you eat, sleep, and breathe football or the only football game you watch every year is the Super Bowl (and only for the commercials), you need to watch tomorrow's game and appreciate the display of football at its highest level.
The Colts might not win, in fact, I think the game will be a lot closer than most people are saying, but I guarantee you that Peyton Manning will put on a show for the ages. And maybe that's the crux of the issue. Football is a team sport in the truest sense. One person, no matter how special, does not make a great team. Peyton Manning doesn't play defense; he doesn't catch the football; he can't block for himself. He needs 21 other teammates on offense and defense (and that's discounting special teams and substitutes, aspects of the game the JBorhood often finds undervalued) playing at an extremely high level to win tomorrow's game. On the flip side, Michael Jordan played both ends of the court and only relied on four other teammates at a time to win. Even in baseball, one or two pitchers can single-handedly win a World Series (*cough* *cough* 2001 Diamondbacks *cough* *cough*). But in football, a quarterback can only do so much, which explains why Manning has avoided the level of attention his game deserves.
You know he's incredible. You know he's got a laser rocket arm. You know he's one of the best Quarterback's playing right now.
But you might not know that he's the greatest Quarterback to ever play the game, and I think that's a shame.
So, rather than getting up to use the bathroom during the game like you usually do to avoid missing the Super Bowl commercials, wait until the Saints have the ball or, better yet, pee in an empty beer bottle or plastic beer bottle lying around (Your friends will understand. It's Peyton Manning.). But, whatever you do, don't miss a second of Peyton Manning.
Football doesn't get any better.
In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.
In 2009, it was The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.
This year, I'm proud to present the "It's actually just about the Quarterback" Bowl.
Game Breakdown:
I'll save you a long winded breakdown, because I don't think this game needs one.
Both teams feature explosive offenses and fast, undersized defenses. The Saints rely on creativity and mis-direction and the Colts rely on execution and, well, Peyton Manning. The key to slowing down (because, really, you can't stop either one) both teams is to get pressure on the Quarterback. If you only watch one thing on Sunday, watch the offensive lines. As long as they can prevent defenders from running unbated to their Quarterback, their offenses will shine. If either team's line struggles, their team will struggle too.
But I don't think either line will struggle. I think we'll see an entertaining, back and forth game where the team with the ball at the end will win.
But in an even game, I think the advantage goes to the best player. Not just the best player in the game, or the best player this season, but maybe the best player ever.
I think this game will be won by Peyton Manning and we'll look back and remember it as the moment he became the greatest to ever play the game.
(Just remember who told you.)
[Author's Note: Take heart, Saints fans. I've incorrectly predicted the outcome of the Super Bowl for four straight years, so you can probably start celebrating now.]
Friday, February 27, 2009
JBorhood Oscar Recap 2009
As always is the case at this time of year, you're sick of reading about football and I'm sick of writing about football. So allow me to blast through my post-Super Bowl Breakdown in record time...
- The better team won
- Even though he lost Kurt Warner, solidified his qualitications for the Hall-of-Fame.
- Larry Fitzgerald joined Jerry Rice in the Pantheon of unstoppable big game wide receivers.
- Ben Roethlesburger proved that you don't have to be a great quarterback to be a great quarterback.
That's it. Seriously. Did you really want me to waste 3000 words of your and my time to say that?
Now that we've covered the important stuff, let's take some time and recap my favorite trivial, overblown, and pretentious (hey, sounds alot like me) celebration of the year... The Oscars
Are we entirely sure that Mickey Rourke didn't spend the previous night in a cardboard box on Hollywood Boulevard?
Speaking of Micky Rourke, we really need to come up with an Oscars drinking game. I know that people post variations every year, but I think we can do better. Please leave any suggestions in the comments.
My wife would like to extend a heartfelt 'Thank You' to Hugh Jackman for appearing at the Oscars clean shaven. Similarly, she would like to extend a big 'F-U' to Adrian Brody for giving Mickey Rourke a run for his money at the best non-intentional Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman impression.
When did Anjelica Huston turn into a transvestite? (I'd say the same thing about Sarah Jessica Parker, but she's been one for a long time.)
French Animated Short Film + Academy Award + Japanese Director + Language Barrier = Best Oscar Speech Ever.
Maybe it's because the movies were more artsy and less publicized then usual, maybe it's because I now look after a nine month old terradactyl with the attention span of a crack addicted ferret on Red Bull, but I've only seen two -- that's right, two -- movies nominated for Oscars this year, and those involved Batman and Tom Cruise in a fat suit.
Someone really needs to tell Robert Pattinson that they stopped filming Twilight a year ago and that he's not actually a vampire.
http://www.mtv.com/photos/
If someone punches Zac Effron in the face, I'll give them twenty bucks.
Ben Stiller is the Larry Fitzgerald of comedy. Put him on a big stage and he delivers, every time. (He gets bonus points in my book for knowing when the joke was over and reading the nominees names seriously.)
Watching the acceptance speeches for the Art Direction and Make-Up Oscars is like watching 5-year olds play soccer; Almost always boring and rarely memorable, but when it is, it's one of the funniest things in the world.
Glad to know that, in case the mood strikes, I can safely drive a Monster Truck over my May Tag washer. In the past, I've never considered the aftermath of a potential Monster Truck attack when purchasing major appliances.
I still can't believe Alan Arkin won an Oscar for playing Alan Arkin in a bland, depressing, un-funny comedy.
I have no idea who he is, but judging from his appearnce, Michael Shannon is either an actor or a pedophile.
http://l.yimg.com/k/im_
How long do you think Heath Ledger's family could have spoken before the exit music started playing? 10 minutes? 20 minutes? An hour? If they were still talking would we know won Best Picture yet?
Can someone tell Bill Maher that his movie was NOT nominated. We get it Bill. You made a controversial film. No one came. No one cares. Let it go.
The creators of the Best Documentary Short Subject winner, Smile Pinki, need to create a sequel for Best Documentary Feature nominee co-writer called 'Smile Phrasavath'.
http://fresnofilmworks.org/
(The joke takes waaaaaaay to much set-up to work in print, but trust me, in context it was really funny...)
Hats off to Will Smith for stating the obvious: WHY DON'T THE OSCARS RECOGNIZE MOVIE'S THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WATCH. I'm not advocating the bastardization of our cinematic culture, but would it hurt them to create separate categories for Excellence in Action and Comedic performances?
I invoke the China Principal to back-up my assertion that 'The Dark Knight' should have been nominated for Best Picture because, seriously, a billion dollars can't be wrong?
(Props to JBor Holensdale for providing the inspiration for that joke earlier in the week. Take note fellow JBors, you make quippy comments, you get recognized. Hollah!)
How do they pick the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing Oscars? Out of a hat?
Did Jerry Lewis try to sneak a kiss from Eddie Murphy?
WTF?!!?!? Did anyone see the commecial for the Rhumatoid Arthritis drug, Orencia? It starts off well, explaing how it can releive the minor aches of arthritis and then, somewhere around the :28 mark, they start listing the side effects and all hell breaks lose.
- Do not take Orencia with other RA medicines due to risk of SERIOUS INFECTIONS
- Orencia can cause SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS, including SERIOUS INFECTIONS
- Cases of RARE CANCER have been reported
- Tell your doctor if you have an infection or an OPEN SORE
- Orencia may cause SERIOUS LUNG DISEASE
If I ever buy a pornographic book on tape, I want Alicia Keys to narrate it. Good lord.
The film from Japan wins the Best Foreign Film Oscar and I'm thinking to myself, "Can this guy possibly give a repeat performance of the Mr. Roboto guy?", AND THEN HE DOES! We need to create a best Asian Language Film Oscar to ensure that we keep this going.
Bravo, Danny Boyle. If you win an Oscar and remember to hop like Tigger for your kids, you're a great father in my book.
Sophia Loren has finally gotten old and creepy enough that I wouldn't sleep with her. (Meryl Streep on the other hand...)
Kate Winslet gave a masters course in How-to-Give-an-Oscars-Speech. Start with a joke? Check. Thank your parents? Check. Thank Husband and Kids? Check. Thank other nominees? Check. Memorable line ("It's not a shampoo bottle anymore!")? Check. She should get a second Oscar for that speech.
For the record, if I was sleeping with Robin Wright-Penn, I wouldn't forget to thank her when I gave an Oscar acceptance speech.
Thank you to the Academy for not giving the Best Picture Oscar to 'Benjamin Button' and ruining the Oscars.
Last, but certainly not least, I want to give a big JBorhood salute to Heath Ledger, who deserved to win the Oscar whether he died or not. In his honor, I will refrain from making any Gay Cowboy jokes. Oh come on, guys. Why so serious?
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Annual JBorhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2009
A few months ago, I had faith that our government could effectively deal with the Wall Street Credit Crisis, so I turned my attention elsewhere and rescued the country from the Sports Credit Crisis. Unfortunately, my faith in our elected officials was unwarranted. Our country is now in the middle of a full blown recession. Millions have lost their jobs. Those that still have jobs have taken severe pay cuts, had benefits stripped, and watched their retirement savings dwindle. The country needs a hero and I'm just the man for the job. I have a simple, elegant, effective, and realistic solution to calm the markets, quell unemployment, and restore order to our nation's economy:
More pornography.
(What? You expected me to say temporarily increase government spending on infrastructure improvements and green technology to create jobs, pass legislation to encourage consumer saving, add restrictions and a fraud clause to the bailout package, abolish COLA mileage restrictions on automobiles and increase the tax on gasoline to use free market forces to reduce emissions and aid the American Auto Industry, and reduce overall spending to lower the federal budget deficit and strengthen the dollar? I said realistic solution, not idealistic fairy tale.)
At first glance, pornography is a small, almost insignificant portion of the US Economy. It generates an estimated 3.9 billion dollars a year, which accounts for a scant .02 percent of the US GDP. However, you get an entirely different picture when you examine pornography as a percentage of Internet business.
Pornography is the silent engine of the US Internet Economy. Pornographic expenditures are one the ten biggest categories of Internet spending and four of the 50 most viewed Internet sites are related to pornography. All in all, one of every 200 dollars spent on the Internet is spent on adult entertainment.
What does this tell us?
In an anonymous setting, people are 25 times more likely to spend their money on pornography. Which makes sense. On the Internet, you don't have to worry about being watched, judged, or running into someone from work, obliging an awkward interchange:
"Oh hey, Joe. Is that Co-Ed Ass Masters 42? That's a really good series. I'm just here to pick up a vibrator and some tranny porn. By the way, did you finish your research on the market valuation for mid-priced condos?"
Probably not the sort of situation most people are looking for after a long day at the office.
The internet allows people to freely express themselves, unencumbered by societal pressures. And as the economy continues its current downward spiral, people need that freedom and release -- I'm thinking that, given the topic du jour, 'escape' might have been a safer word choice. -- more then ever. If we can break down the social constructs that hinder the efficiency of America's economic engine, we could quicken the recovery of our nation's economy.
For example, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend and had a conversation about economics with a budding young female entrepreneur named Diamond. Diamond is 22 years old, married, a mother of two, and lives in Chicago. She does not have a job back home, but she flies to Vegas two weekends a month for the "economic opportunities".
J: "You only work two weekends a month??!?!?"
Diamond: "Hell yeah. There's crazy money here in Vegas, honey."
J: "Define crazy money."
Diamond: "About two grand if it's slow. But I make six when it's poppin."
J: [Puts hand in front of mouth to prevent the most recent sip of Ketel soda with lime from spraying all over his newfound friend]
Diamond: "You gonna be alright, honey?"
J: "Just thinking about a career change."
As I drifted off to sleep that night, I thought about my conversation with Diamond. (Author's Note (to Wife): My CONVERSATION with Diamond. CONVERSATION. Don't look at me like that. You were there too!) I realized that we need to stand up for our basic economic freedoms. We need to stop submitting to unjust legislation that dominates enterprising business people like Diamond, forcing her to fly across the country for work. We need to inject our intellectual capital back into our communities. We need to stimulate local growth. (We, apparently, need to tone down our sexual metaphors.)
Our country is in the midst of conflict. Last year, the Lingerie Bowl, a revered Super Bowl tradition involving scantily clad women playing football, was canceled because the athletes were not wearing enough clothing. This year it was canceled because the fans were not wearing enough clothing. We remain a country divided.
But, hope is on the horizon. I'm bolstered by the fact that a woman is the Secretary of State. I'm even more proud that our country elected its first African American President. But if we can't celebrate and embrace a football game played by gorgeous women in lingerie, we've still got a long way to go.
Luckily, this dispute is about to be settled once and for all in the public arena. On Sunday, America will watch high-flying, new age, unrestrained freedom battle the bastions of historical conservatism in a winner take all match up.
In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.
This year, the JBorhood is proud to present The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.
The Arizona Cardinals are football pornography. Exciting. Fun. Flashy. Lurid. Scintillating. Titillating. Pure offensive football in its most sensational form.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, on the other hand, represent the old standard. Traditional. Careful. Stoic. Conservative. Careful. Plodding. Pure defensive football in its most rugged form.
Their match-up in Super Bowl XLIII (43 for those of you without a degree in Roman Numerology) is a contest between pure, unfettered, exhilarating social freedoms and the stodgy, conservative social norms.
New vs. Old
Offense vs. Defense
Risk vs. Certainty
So, don't let anyone tell you that "it's just a game" this Sunday. This time it means something. Knute Rockne famously implored his team to "Win one for the Gipper." This Sunday, I'm asking the Cardinals to win one for the zipper.
So, God bless the Cardinals; God bless freedom; God bless pornography; And God bless the United States of America.
Game Breakdown
The old adage says a good defense beats a good offense. This bodes well for the Steelers who have the league's best defense, perhaps one of the best defenses of all time. The Steelers have more overall talent than the Cardinals; The Steelers are a seven point favorite in Las Vegas; The vast majority of national pundits have picked the Steelers to win. In fact, nearly all rational measure and analysis suggests that the Steelers should win the Super Bowl. Decisively.
But then, all rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have made the playoffs.
All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card Round of the Playoffs.
All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Carolina Panthers in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.
All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game.
Anyone who claims to have picked Arizona to make it to the Super Bowl is either lying or Kurt Warner.
But when the Giants shocked the world and knocked off the undefeated Patriots last year, they turned the NFL upside down. Picking NFL games has devolved from a pseudo-science to a nonsensical game of chance. Monkeys throwing darts at a chalk board would have done better picking games this year than football professionals.
In the playoffs, underdogs went 6-4. Road teams went 5-5. Historically, the top two teams in each conference won approximately 75% of their opening round games. This year they lost 75% of their games. Whether a team is good is now far less important then whether a team is hot.
Which makes the Cardinals intriguing. Like last years Giants, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football going into the Super Bowl. They corrected their early season issues and played, far and away, their best football in the playoffs. They weren't the best team in football all season, but they're playing the best now.
Compounding that difficulty is that the teams match-up perfectly with one another.
The Steelers thrive on a confusing defense and blitzing scheme, designed to shut down the run and confuse the opposing Quarterback. The Cardinals rarely run the ball and have a veteran Quarterback who's as good as anyone in the game at reading defenses and identifying the open man.
The Cardinals defense is predicated on creating turnovers. The Steelers have a conservative rushing attack designed to protect the football.
The Steelers have one of the best coaching staffs in football that develops confusing offensive and defensive game plans designed to create match up problems for the opposition. The Cardinals head coach, Ken Wisenhunt, and offensive line coach, Russ Grimm, coached for the Steelers three years ago and have intimate knowledge of their schemes and personnel.
So where does this leave us?
Do we pick the team that should win, or the team that recent history warns us not to overlook?
Do we pick with our head or our heart?
Personally, I'm a numbers guy, a logic man, and my logic says the Steelers defense should do what they do best, bottle up the Cards and ride out a convincing victory in the second half. But then again, my logic picked the Seahawks, Bears and Patriots to win the last three Super Bowls, so what do I know?
Against my better judgment, and all relevant evidence, I'm picking Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals, and the continued growth of a liberal attitude towards pornography to rule the day.
Look out, America. Change, as they say, is coming.
[Author's Note: This article was the repayment of a bet I lost to fellow writer and good friend Mike Oppenheim of www.mikeyopp.com, whose writing I strongly encourage you to check out. When the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals I had to write an article on the topic of his choosing:
"The astounding amount of money made on the Internet by pornography, as compared to any other business, and how our US government is overlooking porn when looking for solutions to our economic meltdown."
I assure you, I would never voluntarily write about such a controversial topic.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll see you next week for more lurid sensationalism. Ciao!]
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
When the Giants knocked Tom Brady down after his first snap, I should have known.
When Bill Belicheck decided to go for it on Fourth and 13, rather then settle for a 49 yard field goal, I should have known.
When the unflappable Tom Brady missed a wide open Randy Moss in the corner of the end zone, I should have known.
When Pro-Bowl cornerback Asante Samuel dropped a sure fire interception on the Giants game winning drive, I should have known.
When, on the next play, Eli Manning slipped out of the grasp of three separate Patriots and heaved a desperation throw to David Tyree, who jumped over Rodney Harrison, trapped the ball against the top of his helmet and miraculously prevented it from hitting the ground, I REALLY should have known.
But it wasn’t until I was running like a wildman in knee deep water in the sandbar of Maunalua bay, holding up a single victorious finger in the air and shouting at the top of my lungs, celebrating the celebrating the Giants incredible victory over the seemingly invincible Patriots, that it hit me:
God cares about the football.
As the Patriots stormed through the regular season and the first two rounds of the playoffs undefeated, I lamented that it signaled that God did not care about football. A God who cared about football would not reward a team for cheating and poor sportsmanship. Yet week after week the Patriots continued to win and a championship seemed their manifest destiny. Patriots ownership even trademarked 19-0, Perfect Season, Road to Perfect and 19-0: A Season of Perfection. Yet, just when the Patriots were poised to finish off their perfect season and join the 1972 Dolphins as the only team’s to finish an NFL season undefeated, God aided the Giants final drive and reminded us that his love of the gridiron had not waned.
In retrospect, it seems so obvious. In Week 17, the Giants decided to risk injury and play their starting lineups for the entire game in a meaningless contest against the Patriots. The Giants had nothing to gain from the game – they had already clinched the sixth seed in the NFC playoffs – but in the spirit of fair play and good sportsmanship, they decided to try and knock off the still unbeaten Patriots. During that game, young Quarterback Eli Manning shed his previous inconsistency and, almost instantly, transformed into a Pro-Bowl caliber quarterback. Similarly, the unpredictable Giants defense shut down what many believed to be an unstoppable Patriots offense for three quarters, before narrowly collapsing in the end. At the time I attributed the Giants inexplicable improvement to the magnitude of the game and their desire to end the Patriots run at history. Had I only believed, I would have seen God broadcasting his plan.
But the signs didn’t end there. While playing the Giants, Tony Romo and the NFC’s highest scoring offense somehow couldn’t score, even though they had the ball in the red zone twice in a row with less then three minutes to play. The following week, Brett Favre seemed to age thirty years before our eyes. After summarily dismantling the Seahawks, Favre looked old and tired against the Giants. But even with his poor play, the Packers appeared to have victory in their grasp when they won possession of the ball to start overtime. Then, in what should have been an obvious sign from above, Favre threw an atrocious interception on the first play of overtime, which set up a game winning 49 yard field goal for Giants placekicker Lawrence Tynes, who had missed his two previous attempts. The signs were there all along, I just lacked the faith to see them.
Looking back on the season, what strikes me most the Giants improbable rise to prominence and eventual Super Bowl victory, is that, while many fans and media members lost faith that anyone could beat the Patriots, the Giants never lost faith. In fact, during the week leading up to the Super Bowl, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress proclaimed that the Giants were going to win 23-17. Normally, when a player guarantees a victory, especially in a game as big as the Super Bowl, he comes across as cocky, arrogant and foolish. In contrast, Plaxico appeared level headed and confident. (Faithful J-Bors will attribute this to Plaxico obeying the J-Borhood etiquite of the guarantee.) Plaxico had faith. Perhaps, if others had maintained as strong faith as Plaxico, they would have succeeded in knocking off the Patriots.
Earlier in the season, the Ravens seemingly stopped the Patriots on fourth down at the end of the game to win the game, except their Defensive Coordinator, Rex Ryan, called a time out right before the play because he did not trust his players to make the stop. Rex Ryan lacked faith.
When the San Diego Chargers played the Patriots in the AFC Championship, they came out fired up and were within striking distance in the fourth quarter when they faced a fourth down in Patriots territory. Rather then put his trust in his offense and try to convert the first down, coach Norv Turner played it safe and punted the ball. Needless to say, the Chargers never got the ball back. Norv Turner lacked faith.
Finally, in the Super Bowl, Patriots coach Bill Belicheck made an unsuccessful attempt to convert on fourth and 13 rather then allow his second year kicker the opportunity to try a 49 yard field goal in a game which the Patriots would lose by three. Bill Belicheck lacked faith.
The Giants, on the other hand, never lacked faith. Even when Tom Brady led the Patriots on their customary late fourth quarter drive to take the lead, the Giants maintained their swagger. After the score, I, like many others, figured the game was over and that the Patriots had once again eked out a narrow Super Bowl victory. The cameras showed a close up of Teddy Bruschi hugging Juinor Seau on the Patriots sideline saying “You’ve got your ring. You’ve got your ring.” (I’m not sure which display of overconfidence was most ridiculous, The Boston Globe selling pre-orders of their new book “19-0”, Bill Simmons writing an article that tried to determine whether the 19-0 Patriots were a better team then the 1986 Celtics or Teddy Bruschi declaring victory minutes before surrendering the game winning touchdown on defense.) Only, the Giants never got the memo. They marched 80 yards in just over two minutes and secured the greatest Super Bowl upset since Broadway Joe led the Jets over the Colts.
God, as people often say, works in mysterious ways. The signs of his work, while obvious in retrospect, are easy to overlook when they occur. In spite of my recent revelations and return to faith, I almost missed God’s final calling card in regards to the Super Bowl. While researching for this article, I learned that Super Bowl XVII was the second most watched TV program of all time, behind the only the final episode of M.A.S.H. This didn’t mean much to me at first, until I learned the name of the episode:
“Goodbye, Farewell and Amen”
Amen, indeed.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
2008 Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!
Bad news, friends and J-Bors. Due to recent time constraints, I am forced to downgrade the status of the 2008 Annual J-Borhood Prognostication Extravaganza! Unfortunately, it does not contain the required amounts of fun, frivolity and flavor required of an Extravaganza! It’s not quite an Extravaganza (notice the missing exclamation point, a serious downgrade), an Etravaganza didn’t feel right (Missing the ‘X’ of course, because it is no longer Xtreme), a Travaganza sounds more like an Eastern European city then a ‘Hood worthy celebration and Vaganza sounds uncomfortably similar to a certain lovely member of the female anatomy. With that in mind, if decided to coin this celebration a Ravaganza. It does not quite conger up the no holds barred excitement of an Extravaganza! (for which, I humbly apologize), but it still sounds like a party at which it’d be cool if you took your pants off. Which, let’s be honest, is what you’re all here for anyway.
So, without further ado, allow me to present the 2008 Annual J-Borhood Prognostication Ravaganza!
Yesterday, J-Bor Jericho Stone (who wins the coolest name award, hands down), sent me some information about an intriguing development in the 2008 Presidential Primary race. Two new candidates have emerged and cemented themselves as the front runners in the up-for-grabs race towards the White House. These two individuals provide a potentially ground breaking ticket that, not only crosses racial lines, but crosses party lines as well. Forget Mitt Romney. Say goodbye to Hillary Clinton. Move over John McCain.
Make way for Brady / Moss in ‘08
On one side you have Brady, the socially progressive Democrat. He looks like a winner, talks like a winner and acts like a winner and has a proven track record of success. Though some liberals claim that he doesn’t like to give handouts (as evidenced by his small number of turnovers), he manages to appeal to the broader base of socially minded liberals through his proactive welfare solutions (his efficient distribution of touches to all members of the offense.) He demonstrated that he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is when he declined a larger salary for the good of the team and, in the footsteps of the great Democrat, JFK, he’s good looking, from Boston and has a penchant for spending time with Supermodels.
On the other side you have Moss, the hawkish, outspoken Republican. He firmly believes in the conservative ideal of every man for himself, an ideal he embodied during over the off season when he orchestrated a trade from the worst team in the league to the best team in the league. He also demonstrated a strong capitalist spirit this season in breaking Jerry Rice’s long standing touchdown record, which will surely lead to a giant contract in the offseason. He has also garnered strong praise in conservative circles for his support of a strong armed forces (clearly the man knows the value of a good offense) and, finally, like Mitt Romney, he appeals to the African American demographic.
The pair certainly have their work cut out for them on Super Tuesday, er… Sunday, but they’ve established themselves as the clear favorites and plan on storming their way to victory.
As has become tradition here in the ‘Hood, I provide each Super Bowl a unique moniker.
Super Bowl XV, brought us the Ex-Girlfriend Bowl.
Super Bowl XVI was the “It's about more then just the Quarterback” Bowl.
Without further ado, allow me to present the 2008 J-Borhood Super Bowl:
Super Bowl XVII: The Destiny Bowl
This Super Bowl matches up two teams with destiny on their side. The New York Giants became a team of destiny when, rather then rest their starters in a meaningless game at the end of the season, they went toe to toe with the 15-0 New England Patriots, nearly shattering their attempt at a perfect seasons. The Giants rode the momentum from that victory into three consecutive road victories over heavily favored opponents. Meanwhile, the Patriots have sliced through the league with ninja-like efficiency towards their Manifest Destiny: a perfect season. (Yes, this last sentence was just an excuse to say “ninja-like efficiency”) Now, their two destinies collide in what many say will be the most watched sporting event in the history of the world.
While, on paper, the Giants appear overmatched, they possess the type of pass rushing threat that a team needs to try and disrupt the Patriots precision and timing passed passing attack. As we witnessed in the Sugar Bowl, a ferocious pass rush can wreak havoc on a passing attack. I feel like I’ve written the same thing for the past three weeks, but if the Jaguars, err…Chargers, err…Giants can put consistent pressure on Tom Brady without having to take men out of coverage to blitz, then they have a chance. Unfortunately, the Patriots have the best offensive line since the mid-90’s Cowboys (for you non-football fans out there, if an average NFL offensive line is a picket fence creating a small, but sturdy impediment for opposing defenses, then the mid-90’s Cowboys lines were like Alcatraz, if Alcatraz was surrounded by tiger sharks with laser beams on their heads.) rendering the possibility of creating pressure on Brady for four quarters nearly impossible. On top of that, Eli Manning, playing in his first Super Bowl, will need to continue his recent run of efficiency (6 TDs to 0 INTs in the playoffs), sustain long drives with the offense and score touchdowns when they get in the red zone. Eli has the unusual opportunity of talking to his brother about what needs to be done here, but judging from Payton’s post season track record against the Patriots, maybe he’s best going this one alone.
In large part due to the quality of their defense and the emergence of young quarterback, Eli Manning, everyone wants to compare the 2007 New York Giants to the 1990 Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. The 1990 Giants featured a hard hitting defense, led by a veteran Superstar, Lawrence Taylor, with a penchant for antagonizing the quarterback; They were led by a young efficient quarterback, Phil Simms, with something to prove; They faced the daunting task of slowing down the seemingly unstoppable K-Gun offense of future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Jim Kelly and dynamic playmakers Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed. The 2007 Giants also feature a hard hitting defense, led by a veteran superstar, Michael Strahan, with a penchant for antagonizing the quarterback; They are led by a young efficient quarterback, Eli Manning, with everything to prove; They face the daunting task of slowing down the seemingly unstoppable offense of future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Tom Brady and dynamic playmakers Randy Moss and Wes Welker. In fact, the similarities are so abundant, that it has led many pundits to predict that the Giants will once again shock the world in Super Bowl XVII. This reasoning, however, has one tiny oversight.
The defensive coordinator of the 1990 Giants, the man responsible for orchestrating the brilliant game plan that confused and manipulated the powerful Buffalo offense was Bill Belicheck.
Yes, that Bill Belicheck: The coach of the New England Patriots.
In my playoff preview, I postulated that the Patriots recent run of success proves that God does not care about football because he would not thusly reward a group who has cheated and displayed poor sportsmanship. J-Borhood fan, erudite intellectual and Dallas Cowboy cheerleader Jennifer Higaki has a different theory. She believes that God does care about football, however, much like during the fall of Rome, God has lost interest in the dominant power – in this case, the Super Bowl – due to it’s immorality, corpulence and largess. As the NFL has transformed from a league centered around man to man competition and fair play into one predicated on large contracts, me-first superstars and commercial interests, God’s interest in the NFL has waned and he has focused his attention towards the college season. We only need to observe the recent season of the University of Hawaii Warriors for an example of God’s good works on display in the college game.
But, you ask, how does this affect this Super Bowl?
Because the Giants will need an act of God to beat the Patriots.
I’m sorry to say this and I hope it’s not true, but I think the Patriots are going to get out to a big lead in the first half and never look back. The only interesting thing about this game after half time will be the commercials, which, sadly, switch to local programming for the second half.
Heaven help us. (Please.)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Super Bowl XLI: Point / Counter-Point
I’d like to provide an intelligent, insightful, objective perspective on the Super Bowl, but I can’t. The dejected Bears fan in me pukes whenever I try and praise Payton Manning. Heck, my inner fan gets nauseas just thinking about Daniel Manning. He’s even a little upset when he hears about Dakota Fanning. Even after the two week hiatus, reliving the events of 2-4 (doesn’t have quite the same ring as 9-11) is more then mildly painful. In order to get through 1000 words of torture, I’m going to channel my inner Rex Grossman and let loose a little point, counter-point I’ve dubbed, Good Justin / Bad Justin.
Good Justin:
Painful performance aside, that was the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Super Bowl. Devin Hester’s kick-off return was one of the most electric moments I’ve ever had as a fan, the defense played their hearts out, and at the end of the day, the game could not have been won by a nicer, hard working, more deserving guy then Payton Manning.
Bad Justin:
Did we watch the same game? Watching Rex Grossman crap the bed in the biggest game of his life won’t exactly go down in my Pantheon of all time greatest sports moments. Aside from the brief moment of Hester-mania, the Bears we’re thoroughly whipped on all sides of the ball and didn’t look like they belonged on the same field as the Colts. The defense was utterly overmatched by Payton Manning and the Colts Juggernaut. In the words of my brother Jordan, “it looked like Payton Manning was speaking Greek, and Brian Urlacher only understood English.”
Good Justin:
Over matched? The defense was on the field for the entire game. At half time the Bears had only run 19 plays to the Colts 46! Even though the Bears offense struggled to get things started, the Bears we’re still within five points with possession of the ball to begin the fourth quarter. That’s amazing.
Bad Justin:
Amazing? The only thing amazing about the Bears defense was their inability to adjust their game plan. After Payton Manning tossed his foolish opening quarter interception, he only attempted one more deep pass, and only when the guy covering the wide receiver fell down. Yet, somehow the Bears continued to play their safeties 40 yards deep and let Payton Manning through 2 million dump passes to his running backs, which all went for 10 yards or more. It‘s like when you play your buddy in Madden, and you keep running the same play over and over (which usually ends in swearing, thrown controllers, and/or physical violence). I’m sure if we could have seen the press box, we would have seen Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera screaming and tossing his controller down in disgust.
Good Justin:
There was nothing else the defense could have done. WE WE’RE PLAYING PEYTON MANNING, who could end up being the Michael Jordan of football.
Bad Justin:
If you EVER, compare Peyton Manning to Michael Jordan again I will beat the thunder out of you.
Good Justin:
Easy there big fellah, I’m just saying that we lost to a great one, perhaps, time will say THE great one. Seriously, the guy completed two thirds of his passes in the pouring rain!
Bad Justin:
So what? Rex Grossman completed 70% of his passes “in the pouring rain”.
Good Justin:
Seriously?
Bad Justin:
Yeah.
Good Justin:
Are we sure he didn't blow the stat guy?
Bad Justin:
Aren’t you supposed to be the Good Justin?
Good Justin:
Right. Sorry.
All I was trying to say is that the Bears lost to one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Furthermore the Colts are a classy organization, Tony Dungy is a wonderful coach, and great role model, and I’m glad that Peyton Manning no longer has to answer the endless stream of “can’t win the big one” comments. I find it hard to hate the Colts.
Bad Justin:
You don’t have to hate the Colts to be disgusted by the way the Bears played and the coaching staff performed. What make me crazy is that the Colts won for one simple reason. They realized it was raining.
In the rain, the one thing you can’t do is throw the deep ball. The rain prevents a quarterback from tightly gripping the football, alters the spiral of the ball, and makes the ball fall a few yards short on long passes. Balls that feel perfectly thrown, end up falling comically short (see Grossman’s interception, which the Colts returned for a touchdown). In the beginning of the game, the Colts attempted one long pass, which Charles Tillman promptly intercepted. After that, the Colts were content to throw dump passes and run the football. Exactly what you should do in the rain. On the other side of the field, the Bears, a team built to run the ball and control the clock, remained determined to ride Grossman’s “fuck it, I’m throwing it deep” attitude, regardless of circumstance.
For example, trailing 22-17, the Bears have the ball on their 45 yard line. It’s second and one, and two plays prior, Thomas Jones ran for 15 yards. Do the Bears use their overwhelming size advantage on the Offensive line, run the ball, keep the chains moving and give their Defense a rest? No, they split Thomas Jones out wide and have Grossman attempt to chuck a deep ball. Not to be outdone, Grossman trips on himself and the Bears lose 11 yards. (Comical side note: Grossman tripping on himself is credited as a sack by Anthony McFarland. Years from now Anthony aka Booger McFarland can tell his kids he got a sack in the Super Bowl. He'll probably leave out the quaterback tripping over himself part.) Rather then relying on their strength, the Bears decide to defy convention and continue to throw in the rain.
Next, flash forward to the fourth quarter. Defying logic and a few laws of physics, the Bears are only down 5 points. After gaining 6 yards on first down, Grossman decides it’s in the best interest of the team to fire a 30 yard pass off his back foot into triple coverage. The pass - of course - falls five yards shy of the target and the Colts intercept it, return it for a touchdown, and begin their Super Bowl Celebration.
It’s sad, but even though they were thoroughly outplayed, out hustled, out coached, and vastly over matched at the most important position, if the Bears had simply adjusted to the rain, we’d still be talking about Peyton Manning as the next Dan Marino.
Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in the kitchen crying with a bottle of Scotch.
Good Justin:
Well, at least Baseball Season starts in two weeks!
Bad Justin:
We’re Cubs fans.
Good Justin:
...
Got an extra glass?
Parting Shots:
A rational person – let’s be honest, if you were rational you wouldn’t read the JBorhood – would have said that Dennis Green’s (the then coach of the Arizona Cardinals) tirade after losing to the Bears on Monday Night Football, would have been the greatest sports tirade for years to come. But sports is not rational (that’s why I write about it!). Enter Dan Hawkins, football coach of the Colorado Buffaloes. He left Boise State last year, where his team lost 10 games in 5 years. This year, Colorado lost 10 games in one season, and Boise State won a BCS game, in what critics are calling one of the most exciting college football games of all time. Understandably, he’s upset. On Wednesday, he went on ESPN and responded to an anonymous letter from a parent, decrying the lack of a third week of summer vacation for her son.
I started having Howard Dean flashbacks. I’m just surprised he didn’t end it with “And then we’re going to go to Texas, and then we’re going to go to Nebraska, and then we’re going to go to Oklahoma, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ha!”. He gets special JBorhood props for throwing in the Hulk Hogan-esqe “brother”. An instant classic.
For good times sake, here are Dennis Green’s and Howard Dean’s memorable moments:
Denny
Howie
Last, but certainly not least, you know the Cubs season has officially started, when Kerry Wood slips in his hot tub and injures himself.
Ciao, JWonder
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Super Bowl Commercial Redux 2007
The sting of last Sunday’s game is still fresh in my mind and writing an analysis of this loss is about as fun as watching Rex Grossman throw into triple coverage in the rain. I need to wait a week for the pain to subside before I can adequately summarize my thoughts (Payton Manning is amazing), analysis (Why did the Bears continue to throw downfield in a downpour?), and emotions (%*&#!!!). In the mean time, here is a recap of the Top 25 most memorable (read: best, worst, and most bizarre) moments from Madison Avenue’s marketing mavens.
Allow me to present the annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Commercial Redux
Rex Grossman Division
These commercials were the only thing that came close to rivaling Rex for worst performance of the Super Bowl. Watching them again actually made me feel better after the depressing game. Sort of a misery loves company appeal.
25. The Flomax Add!
I don’ t know about you, but reminders about declining prostate health are not what I want to see when I’m watching the Super Bowl. When I’m watching these ads, I can’t help but wonder, how do they convince the actors to film the commercial? How do their kids explain to their friends that their daddy has trouble urinating?
I’ve refrained from including the actual advertisement here. Trust me. You’re better off not watching it.
24. Salesgenie.com
What does it say about your companies marketing department when your ad is worse these every other commercial except for the one about prostate health? I don’t think one person in the country watched this ad and thought, “I have GOT to check out Salesgenie.com after the game.” For those of you unfortunate enough to have stock in this company, I'd suggest you short it while you still can.
23. Heart Association
I watched this bizarre succession of villains continuously pummel the guy in the heart suit and kept waiting for a superhero dressed in Phizer-branded tights to jump in and save the day. But it never happened.
This add is a painfully long beat down of a poor man in a heart suit. They might as well have called it “The Passion of the Heart”.
“Can I have my 2.6 Million dollars back?” Division
These ads fell utterly flat on the advertisings biggest stage. You could almost hear the CEO’s screaming into their phones as they fired their Marketing departments.
22. Schick Quattro
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: You don’t talk about Super Bowl Ads. Oh, sorry. Wrong rules.
Rule #1 of Super Bowl Ads: Never show an old advertisement! It’s like taking a girl out on a second date and going to the same movie. It’s just poor form. This moderately funny Schick Quattro retread has been playing during football games all season long and I’m still using my Mach-3.
21. Revlon – Sheryl Crow
After watching this strange add, which assumes that you’ll use Revlon’s hair coloring product because Sheryl Crow used it, much to the chagrin of her effeminate hair stylist, my wife said “I’m embarrassed to be a woman.”
20. GM – Suicidal Robot
I wish I could have been privy to the conversation in which a GM marketing executive convinced the marketing team to feature an add about a robot committing suicide. What’s the message here? GM hates robots? This add made me want to cry, not go out and buy a car. At the very least an ad should improve customers attitudes toward your company, not make them want to join anti-robot cruelty organization.
Say What? Division
These ads had promising ideas, but left the viewers more confused then interested. (Not unlike the Bears coaching moves in the Super Bowl, but I digress…)
19. GoDaddy.com - Marketing Department
I’m still not entirely convinced that a website whose target market is 20-something computer nerds, has any business making a television advertisement, let alone one that costs over two million dollars. GoDaddy.com has certainly raised brand awareness with their 30 second soft core porn films, but I can’t imagine it reflects positively on the bottom line. I’m convinced the CEO makes the ads just so he can write off his strip club bills. Anyhow, this year’s ad fell short of previous attempts at humor. If you’re really interested in this genre, I recommend “Red Shoe Diaries”.
18. Budweiser – Jay – Z vs. Don Shula
Jay-Z has street cred, Shula has the rings, the futuristic football game is cool, and the ad is for beer. Seems like a sure fire recipe for success. But then some wise guy, thought Jay-Z should out coach Don Shula. I’ll give well deserved props to the Jigga-man for tagging Beyonce and writing “99 Problems”, but lord have mercy, you don’t out coach the legend. Especially when the Super Bowl is in Miami.
Super Bowl Halftime Show Division
A little something for everyone here. The Super Bowl Halftime show is always entertaining, and this years show was no different. Prince gave a commanding presence in the rain and these ads made you laugh, cry, and cheer, but if you missed either, you didn’t miss that much.
17. Pride Trailer
This ad did a great job of capitalizing on the African-American pride undertones of the Super Bowl and I’m positively giddy about the prospects of watching Tom Arnold play a racist swimming coach, but have we really exhausted every sporting movie angle to the point that we’re forced to make movies about swimming?
16. Budweiser – Every dog has his day
The first of Budweiser’s staggering number of quality ads strikes just the right chord with the audience. What can I say? I’m a sucker for dogs.
15. FedEx – Moon Office
FedEx set the bar high with last year’s tour-de-force set of caveman commercials. This year’s Super Bowl ad didn’t quite resonate the way last year’s did, but it managed to deliver some last minute hysterics.
14. Doritos – Check Me Out Lady
The ad itself is not among the elite, but the check out lady gives a command performance that could be denied.
Bears Defense Division
Much like the Bears vaunted Defense, these ads had clear potential and certainly held their own, but ultimately failed to match up with the best of the best. They deserved to be here, but fell a step below their counterparts.
13. Snapple Green Tea – Secret of the Tea
This spot earns a spot on this list because it put a smile on my face in the midst of the 4th quarter meltdown.
12. Taco Bell – Carne Asada Lions
It tastes better when you say carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrne.
11. Doritios – The Crash
The first half of the ad left me shaking my head, but the pure low-brow aesthetic of a beautiful woman falling on her face cannot be denied.
Devin Hester Division
I still haven’t figured out why teams insist on kicking to Devin Hester. Let me make things really clear: Yes, he is that fast. No, you should not kick to him. It really is that simple.
These ads followed the blueprint of the Bears human highlight film. They were ready for prime time and left a solid lasting impression.
10. FedEx – Aptly Named
This quirky, subtle ad rounds makes the top ten for its bold originality, constant humor, and winning finish. True Super Bowl material.
9. Emerald Nuts – Beware of Robert Goulet
If you told me that an add for nuts featuring a 73 year old French Canadian singer would rank in my top 10, I would have called you crazy. Crazy or not, this ad is comedy.
8. Nationwide Insurance – KFed
Make fun of Kevin Federline all you want. The truth of the matter is that he’s an ugly, no talent, deadbeat dancer, who’s rich, famous, starring in Super Bowl ads, and collecting alimony from Brittney Spears. That’s borderline J-Borhood Hall of Fame material.
Anheuser-Busch Division
Either Anheuser-Busch – still the hardest Brewery to spell in the entire world – pays their Marketing department really well, or it’s really easy to create beer commercials. Either way, the makers of Bud and Bud Light continued their utter domination of Super Sunday advertising. Now if they’d only apply these same talents to marketing King Cobra…
7. Bud Light – Auctioneer Wedding
Other marketing people must get jealous of the people who make beer commercials. While they do extensive market research to determine the most effective way to develop a strong brand and communicate a palatable and memorable message to their target demographic, beer commercial creators get to make slapstick jokes about rushing through a wedding so the beer doesn’t get cold. Life just isn’t fair.
6. Bud Light – The Hitchhiker
Original. Wacky. Superb ending. A quintessential beer commercial.
5. Budweiser – Rock, paper, scissors
I’ll know that I’ve truly become an adult when watching someone get hit in the face with a rock stops being funny. (Note: It hasn’t happened yet.)
4. Bud Light – English Class
Cedric the Entertainer made a name for himself in “The Original Kings of Comedy”, but his series of Bud Light advertisement cameos made him a star. I’ve never been a huge fan of Carlos Mencia’s hit-you-over-the-head-with-caustic-racial-remarks style, but it looks like Bud Light’s done it again. This commercial strikes a perfect blend of Carlos’s aggressive style and classic Bud Light slapstick.
3. Bud Light – Fist Bump
Once again, I think I could watch guys slap each other in the face all day. This hits every target demographic with its raucous cacophony of increasingly hilarious “new fist bumps.”. Timely, funny, and light hearted. It epitomizes true Super Bowl humor.
Payton Manning Division
These ads threw proverbial bullet passes with their proverbial “laser-rocket arms”. They knew when to pass, when to throw, took risks when they had to, and thoroughly out performed their counterparts on the biggest stage. These ads left everyone at the Official J-Borhood Super Bowl party laughing long after they were over. Truly deserving champions.
2. Sprint Broadband – Connectile Dysfunction
This ad succeeded for every reason that the Flomax ad failed. It recognized the unintentional comedy of all the uncomfortable public discussion about erectile dysfunction, prostate, and irritable bowel syndrome and capitalized in a novel and original way. A potentially contentious choice for number two on the list, but its comedic subtlety made it a total sleeper hit, true J-Borhood style.
1. Snickers – Brokeback Mechanics
The fact that this ad has already been pulled from television says enough. It’s edgy, unsettling, and completely un-PC, but it took a giant risk and totally delivered. It has received media scrutiny and a large amount of public backlash, but it provides a raw hilarity that no other can commercial touched on Sunday. The J-Borhood Super Bowl party crowd broke into unparalleled levels of laughter during this spot. Love it or hate it. You can’t deny it.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!
It's been more then ten months since the last Extravaganza! here in the J-Borhood and that is crazy, borderline dangerous. In fact if you've felt moody, depressed, irritable lately or suffered from insomnia, itching, burning, joint pain, syphilis or rectal bleeding recently I would attribute it to to a severe lack of Extravaganzas! in your life, for which I apologize. (Actually, if you've suffered any of the aforementioned symptoms I would attribute it to depression, poison oak, arthritis, or sexual promiscuity and recommend seeking professional medical assitance, but stay with me for humor's sake.) For those of you who are new to the J-Borhood, you may not understand the importance of an Extravaganza! An Extravaganza! takes an ordinary event -- or in my case an extraordinary event -- and instantly makes it special. Memorable. Nigh historical. I've been to shindigs, events, ordeals, hooplas, hootenannies, and hoe downs and none of them come close to the all encompassing excitement of an Extravaganza! Maybe it's the capitalized e and the exclamation point, but something about an Extravaganza! transcends normalcy and instantly catapults you into the realm of epic.
Don't believe me? Let's take a look at an example.
I made a number of banners, which commemorate the Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! (That name is ridiculously long, but A.J.S.B.P.E sounds stupid). For the sake of discussion, I renamed the event on certain banners to test the effect of different event names.
Example 1: No name
BORING. As you can see, the lack of a name really hinders this banner. It's plain and ugly. Certainly not something any of our illustrious readers would ever attend voluntarily.
Example 2: Celebration
Certainly an improvement over the non-named event, but still a little bourgeois. It lacks the panache of an "ordeal", "par-tay" or "happenstance".
Example 3: Fiesta
We're getting somewhere. I have a strange desire to yell Ole!, but it's still a little weird
Example 4: Extravaganza!
Bingo. It's classy, stylish and exciting. Truly J-Borhood-esque.
Now do you see? An Extravaganza! is truly a peerless event. If we can't celebrate an Extravaganza! every six months or less, then what's the point of the J-Borhood? I'm somewhat embarrassed that it has been that long since we've all Extravaganzaed together, so let's not waste any more time. Sit back, relax, grab an ice cold beer, glass of wine, shot of whiskey, Oakland Martini, or all of the above and let's start Extravaganzizing!
Super Bowl Humor
Q: What do you call 10 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys and 10 girls sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A great Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys, 25 girls, 3 strippers, 2 kegs, 8 bottle of Jack Daniels and a sheep sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: The J-Borhood Super Bowl Party (An Extravaganza! is an acceptable answer)
Q: What do you call 52 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
Q: What's the difference between the Indianapolis Colts and a Dollar Bill?
A: The dollar is good for 4 Quarters!
It's not exactly a joke, but this account of Bears linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer's run in with a European reporter is classic unintentional comedy. Read the account here.
Postulation, Pondering and Prognostication or "How I vainly attempted to set aside my blinding favoritism and objectively analyze the game."
This year brings us Super Bowl XLI (or Super Bowl 41 for those of you aren't familiar with the Romans), which I view as a another missed opportunity for all malt liquor manufacturers. After missing last year's slam dunk opportunity to roll out commemorative Super Bowl 40's for Super Bowl 40, I thought the World's producers of fine malt beverages would see the error of their ways and roll out the special edition 41 ounce bottles in time for Super Bowl 41. (Like you wouldn't buy one?) I've written to Anheuser-Busch -- the hardest Brewery to spell in the world. Anheuser's ego be damned, just change your name to Busch Breweries already -- two years in a row, but both times they've told me that they do all their marketing work in house and do not listen to outside input, "no matter how brilliant". (Ok, I made that last part up.) Sadly, malt liquor marketing departments are run by plodding, unimaginative dolts who lack the basic creativity of John Shoop. (I apologize. For the most part, I try to avoid obscure sports references here on the J-Borhood to prevent myself from alienating the vast majority of readers, who have better things to do then analyze the average passing efficiency of Detroit Lions back-up quarterbacks in the 70's. However, in this case, I couldn't help taking a verbal salvo at the worst offensive coordinator in Bears history. John Shoop led an offense that consisted of two plays: Run up the middle and 3 yard pass. He was terrible. Anyhow, sorry for wasting your time to make a joke that two people -- myself included -- enjoyed. For those of you still reading -- really? no one? -- we now return to our regularly schedule reading.)
Missed marketing opportunities aside, the real focus of this week is a classic match up between the Unstoppable Force (Indianapolis Colts) and the Immovable Object (Chicago Bears). The old adage holds that "Defense Wins Championships", but most experts believe that the Colts should easily dispatch the Bears. The prevailing opinion is that the disparity between Payton Manning's laser rocket arm and Rex "Hide the Women and Children" Grossman will ultimately be too much for the Bears to overcome. Truth be told, I'm not sure what to think. My opinion about this game has vacillated more then John Kerry's political positions. On one hand, I think the sheer athleticism and uncanny discipline of the Bears defense could help them rattle and confuse Payton Manning. On the other hand, the Colts offense is an absolute juggernaut and Payton Manning could have a Hall-of-Fame type game as the Colts on a steamroll the Bears. As my younger brother said, "If the Colts can pick off Grossman before the Bears get a first down, game over, but if the Bears score first, game over." Bottom line: There are too many variables in this game. In situations such as these, I'm forced to resort to my inner Jack Bauer: When in doubt, cut somebody's arm off. No, wait. That's a little drastic. Maybe I should break down the game a little more. (I gotta stop watching 24 or someone is going to get hurt!)
Super Bowl XLI: The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
The media -- as those pesky medias tend to do -- has oversimplified this game. They have characterized it as a match up between the two quarterbacks, Payton Manning vs. Rex Grossman. Often time that makes sense, because of the importance of a Quarterback to his football team. In this case, however, it obfuscates other equally important aspects of this football game. The Bears did not get to the Super Bowl because Rex "OMG! WTF!" Grossman is a great Quarterback. (Hint: He's not.) They got to this point because they have the most well rounded football team in the NFL. They have a superb running game, an amazing defense, a Pro Bowl kicker, the best coverage units in the NFL, and the most exciting return man in NFL history. The Bears can score on offense, defense and special teams, which makes them extremely dangerous and difficult to defend. As they have repeatedly shown, Rex Grossman does not have to have an amazing game for the Bears to win.
But the Colts are dangerous. VERY dangerous. They have incredible team speed, which allows them to get receivers open, spread the field for their running game, and allows their undersized defense to swarm to the ball. The teams that have beat the Colts have been able to neutralize their speed with a combination of power running, physical defenses, and -- the X-factor -- natural grass. That's right, natural grass. All of the Colts losses came on the road, against teams -- Dallas, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston -- whose stadiums feature natural grass. What, pray tell, is the surface at Dolphin Stadium in Miami? None other then natural grass. The Colts offense is precision and speed based. Even their new found running game relies heavily on spread sets and stretch plays, designed to spread out the defense and find creases on the outside. The Colts dangerous pass rushers rely on their speed to attack slower, stronger offensive lineman. On the season the Colts had 25 sacks. In their four losses on natural grass, they had 2. That includes one game against the-human-sack-machine David Carr, who's been sacked over 100 times in the past two years! On turf their team flies all over the field. On grass they can be overpowered.
The "experts" say that the Bears won't be able to keep up with Payton Manning and the Colts offense. These same "experts" seem to forget that the Colts and the Bears both averaged the same number of points (26.7 per game) in the regular season. The Colts scored more with their offense, whereas the Bears relied on their defense and special teams to make up the difference. At the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling that this Super Bowl reminds me of 2002, when a ragtag group of scrappy upstarts disrupted a flashy offensive juggernaut with a physical, disciplined defense and smart, conservative offensive football.
Two weeks ago I announced that the Patriots were the new Yankees. I'm here to announce that the Chicago Bears are the new Patriots.
Bears win on a Robbie Gould field goal as time expires: Bears 27, Colts 24.
GO BEARS!