The Annual JBorhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza 2009

A few months ago, I had faith that our government could effectively deal with the Wall Street Credit Crisis, so I turned my attention elsewhere and rescued the country from the Sports Credit Crisis. Unfortunately, my faith in our elected officials was unwarranted. Our country is now in the middle of a full blown recession. Millions have lost their jobs. Those that still have jobs have taken severe pay cuts, had benefits stripped, and watched their retirement savings dwindle. The country needs a hero and I'm just the man for the job. I have a simple, elegant, effective, and realistic solution to calm the markets, quell unemployment, and restore order to our nation's economy:

More pornography.

(What? You expected me to say temporarily increase government spending on infrastructure improvements and green technology to create jobs, pass legislation to encourage consumer saving, add restrictions and a fraud clause to the bailout package, abolish COLA mileage restrictions on automobiles and increase the tax on gasoline to use free market forces to reduce emissions and aid the American Auto Industry, and reduce overall spending to lower the federal budget deficit and strengthen the dollar? I said realistic solution, not idealistic fairy tale.)

At first glance, pornography is a small, almost insignificant portion of the US Economy. It generates an estimated 3.9 billion dollars a year, which accounts for a scant .02 percent of the US GDP. However, you get an entirely different picture when you examine pornography as a percentage of Internet business.

Pornography is the silent engine of the US Internet Economy. Pornographic expenditures are one the ten biggest categories of Internet spending and four of the 50 most viewed Internet sites are related to pornography. All in all, one of every 200 dollars spent on the Internet is spent on adult entertainment.

What does this tell us?

In an anonymous setting, people are 25 times more likely to spend their money on pornography. Which makes sense. On the Internet, you don't have to worry about being watched, judged, or running into someone from work, obliging an awkward interchange:

"Oh hey, Joe. Is that Co-Ed Ass Masters 42? That's a really good series. I'm just here to pick up a vibrator and some tranny porn. By the way, did you finish your research on the market valuation for mid-priced condos?"

Probably not the sort of situation most people are looking for after a long day at the office.

The internet allows people to freely express themselves, unencumbered by societal pressures. And as the economy continues its current downward spiral, people need that freedom and release -- I'm thinking that, given the topic du jour, 'escape' might have been a safer word choice. -- more then ever. If we can break down the social constructs that hinder the efficiency of America's economic engine, we could quicken the recovery of our nation's economy.

For example, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend and had a conversation about economics with a budding young female entrepreneur named Diamond. Diamond is 22 years old, married, a mother of two, and lives in Chicago. She does not have a job back home, but she flies to Vegas two weekends a month for the "economic opportunities".

J: "You only work two weekends a month??!?!?"
Diamond: "Hell yeah. There's crazy money here in Vegas, honey."
J: "Define crazy money."
Diamond: "About two grand if it's slow. But I make six when it's poppin."
J: [Puts hand in front of mouth to prevent the most recent sip of Ketel soda with lime from spraying all over his newfound friend]
Diamond: "You gonna be alright, honey?"
J: "Just thinking about a career change."

As I drifted off to sleep that night, I thought about my conversation with Diamond. (Author's Note (to Wife): My CONVERSATION with Diamond. CONVERSATION. Don't look at me like that. You were there too!) I realized that we need to stand up for our basic economic freedoms. We need to stop submitting to unjust legislation that dominates enterprising business people like Diamond, forcing her to fly across the country for work. We need to inject our intellectual capital back into our communities. We need to stimulate local growth. (We, apparently, need to tone down our sexual metaphors.)

Our country is in the midst of conflict. Last year, the Lingerie Bowl, a revered Super Bowl tradition involving scantily clad women playing football, was canceled because the athletes were not wearing enough clothing. This year it was canceled because the fans were not wearing enough clothing. We remain a country divided.

But, hope is on the horizon. I'm bolstered by the fact that a woman is the Secretary of State. I'm even more proud that our country elected its first African American President. But if we can't celebrate and embrace a football game played by gorgeous women in lingerie, we've still got a long way to go.

Luckily, this dispute is about to be settled once and for all in the public arena. On Sunday, America will watch high-flying, new age, unrestrained freedom battle the bastions of historical conservatism in a winner take all match up.

In 2006, it was The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.
In 2007, it was The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
In 2008, it was The Destiny Bowl.

This year, the JBorhood is proud to present The "And Pornography Will Save Us All" Bowl.

The Arizona Cardinals are football pornography. Exciting. Fun. Flashy. Lurid. Scintillating. Titillating. Pure offensive football in its most sensational form.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, on the other hand, represent the old standard. Traditional. Careful. Stoic. Conservative. Careful. Plodding. Pure defensive football in its most rugged form.

Their match-up in Super Bowl XLIII (43 for those of you without a degree in Roman Numerology) is a contest between pure, unfettered, exhilarating social freedoms and the stodgy, conservative social norms.

New vs. Old
Offense vs. Defense
Risk vs. Certainty

So, don't let anyone tell you that "it's just a game" this Sunday. This time it means something. Knute Rockne famously implored his team to "Win one for the Gipper." This Sunday, I'm asking the Cardinals to win one for the zipper.

So, God bless the Cardinals; God bless freedom; God bless pornography; And God bless the United States of America.

---

Game Breakdown

The old adage says a good defense beats a good offense. This bodes well for the Steelers who have the league's best defense, perhaps one of the best defenses of all time. The Steelers have more overall talent than the Cardinals; The Steelers are a seven point favorite in Las Vegas; The vast majority of national pundits have picked the Steelers to win. In fact, nearly all rational measure and analysis suggests that the Steelers should win the Super Bowl. Decisively.

But then, all rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have made the playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Atlanta Falcons in the Wild Card Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Carolina Panthers in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs.

All rational measure and analysis suggested that the Cardinals should not have beaten the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game.

Anyone who claims to have picked Arizona to make it to the Super Bowl is either lying or Kurt Warner.

But when the Giants shocked the world and knocked off the undefeated Patriots last year, they turned the NFL upside down. Picking NFL games has devolved from a pseudo-science to a nonsensical game of chance. Monkeys throwing darts at a chalk board would have done better picking games this year than football professionals.

In the playoffs, underdogs went 6-4. Road teams went 5-5. Historically, the top two teams in each conference won approximately 75% of their opening round games. This year they lost 75% of their games. Whether a team is good is now far less important then whether a team is hot.

Which makes the Cardinals intriguing. Like last years Giants, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football going into the Super Bowl. They corrected their early season issues and played, far and away, their best football in the playoffs. They weren't the best team in football all season, but they're playing the best now.

Compounding that difficulty is that the teams match-up perfectly with one another.

The Steelers thrive on a confusing defense and blitzing scheme, designed to shut down the run and confuse the opposing Quarterback. The Cardinals rarely run the ball and have a veteran Quarterback who's as good as anyone in the game at reading defenses and identifying the open man.

The Cardinals defense is predicated on creating turnovers. The Steelers have a conservative rushing attack designed to protect the football.

The Steelers have one of the best coaching staffs in football that develops confusing offensive and defensive game plans designed to create match up problems for the opposition. The Cardinals head coach, Ken Wisenhunt, and offensive line coach, Russ Grimm, coached for the Steelers three years ago and have intimate knowledge of their schemes and personnel.

So where does this leave us?

Do we pick the team that should win, or the team that recent history warns us not to overlook?

Do we pick with our head or our heart?

Personally, I'm a numbers guy, a logic man, and my logic says the Steelers defense should do what they do best, bottle up the Cards and ride out a convincing victory in the second half. But then again, my logic picked the Seahawks, Bears and Patriots to win the last three Super Bowls, so what do I know?

Against my better judgment, and all relevant evidence, I'm picking Kurt Warner, the Arizona Cardinals, and the continued growth of a liberal attitude towards pornography to rule the day.

Look out, America. Change, as they say, is coming.

[Author's Note: This article was the repayment of a bet I lost to fellow writer and good friend Mike Oppenheim of www.mikeyopp.com, whose writing I strongly encourage you to check out. When the Philadelphia Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals I had to write an article on the topic of his choosing:

"The astounding amount of money made on the Internet by pornography, as compared to any other business, and how our US government is overlooking porn when looking for solutions to our economic meltdown."

I assure you, I would never voluntarily write about such a controversial topic.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll see you next week for more lurid sensationalism. Ciao!]