Best of the JBorhood 2008 - Part 2

Aloha Friends and JBors,

I fully intended to start a new tradition this week, holding the Annual JBorhood Year End Awards (affectionately referred to as 'The Hoodies') during the week between the NFL Conference Championship Games and the Super Bowl, however, over the weekend, I encountered a minor scheduling conflict. Of course, by minor what I mean is '4 day, 2700 mile', and by scheduling conflict what I mean is 'trip to Las Vegas'.

So, much to the dismay of my fan (Author's Note: No, that is not a typo. But, never fear, I plan on doubling my fan base by the end of year. Maybe even tripling it. Let's see ESPN top that!), The Hoodies are on hold while I get my [pick a term of your choice: Vegas, gamble, drink, club, debauchery, Cirque de Soleil, hang over, walking through the middle of the street drinking a 40, lap dance (just kidding, mom)] on.

So, sit back, relax, pray for my soul, and enjoy the second half of our look back at the Best of the JBorhood 2008.

---

(From My Triumphant Return - 7/11/2008)
In a move that can only be described as utterly Cub, the Cubs acquired disabled list MVP Rich Harden. When he's healthy, he might be the best starter in baseball. The caveat of course being that Rich Harden is to disabled lists as the JBorhood is to obscure, alliterative, run on sentences.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.


(From A Midseason Night's Dream - 7/17/2008)
The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…


(From Paying Your Dues - 8/1/2008)
Being a worse quarterback then Brett Favre is a like being a worse porn star then Kobe Tai. You don't beat yourself up too much, because not many people can take a pounding, get you excited and bring opponents to their knees quite like Favre or Kobe. (I've written a lot of metaphors in JBorhood, but I assure you, that was, far and away, the most fun metaphor I've ever researched. I was tempted to provide a link to inform the readers who are not familiar with Kobe's "body" of work, but decided to take the high road. Trust me when I say that searching for "Kobe Tai" in Google will more then suffice. You just might not want to do it at work...)


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
The whole debacle reminds me of the Bud Light Commercial where the guys don't have enough money to pay for their groceries and have to decide between beer or toilet paper, only instead of beer they chose cocaine and instead of toilet paper they gave up their child's future and instead of making you laugh it made you want to bang your head into a wall and sob.


(We're Going to Disney World - 8/8/2008)
(Author's Note: Browse to Google.com, enter Flacco "House of Pancakes" into the search box and click "I Feel Lucky". The JBorhood: The definitive source for information regarding Joe Flacco and the House of Pancakes. I couldn't be more proud.)


(From Matter of Perspective - 9/12/2008)
Michael Phelps had eight chances to win a medal, whereas Kobe Bryant only had one. Both athletes won 100% of their possible gold medals in dominating fashion. Am I supposed to discount Kobe because the Olympics doesn't recognize 1 on 1, 3 on 3, the dunk contest, the 3-point shooting contest, H-O-R-S-E, P-I-G, and quitting on your teammates in the NBA Finals as Olympic events? (Sorry, I had to go there.)


(From We Believe - 9/12/2008)
The Patriots claiming that no one believed in them is like WalMart claiming that no one believed they could outsell Old Ferguson's Corner Store or Michigan claiming that no one believed they could beat Appalachian State (oh...wait.)


(From A Thin Correlation Between Love and Hate - 9/19/2008)
WARNING: Reading the following article will make you an asshole. Not quite a just-finished-reading-Atlas-Shrugged asshole, more like a guy-at-the-office-who-explains-why-you-paid-too-much-for-your-new-car asshole. So, if you don't want your friends to hate you because of your new found proclivity for bloviating about statistical misconceptions, you may want to skip this week's article. Consider yourself warned. (Yeah, I just said bloviating. That just happened).


(From A Matter of Taste - 9/29/2008)
Stella Artois is the beer of choice for college aged yuppies with tapestries of Che Guevara on their walls who think their two week summer vacation to Europe made them hip and worldly (hint: it didn't). You can easily spot these assholes, because they're sporting a faux-hawk, Cuban dictator hat, hemp necklace, and a wooden peace bracelet and as soon as they enter a bar, they'll turn to their friends -- who, conveniently, are wearing the same pretentious loser uniform -- and say "Dude, they have STELLA!"


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
That's like comparing the time your girlfriend broke up with you at the end of summer camp in fifth grade to the time your girlfriend told you she gave you syphilis while she broke up with you when you walked in on her having sex with your best friend, after your mom called to let you know that your grandma passed away from ovarian cancer, and your left arm was ripped from the socket by a marmoset with rabies.


(From Limit Your Enthusiasm - 10/17/2008)
If all of the SPAM mysteriously disappeared off the shelves of Downtown Honolulu, I give the city six hours until it devolved into a 28 Days Later type zombie-apocalypse. And that's a best case scenario.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
You know the best part about a recession? It's once again socially acceptable to drink cheap beer. Now that you can't afford a twelve pack of Anchor Steam, no one makes fun of you for knocking back a sixer of PBR. So, while you're busy watching your 401k spiral out of control and worrying about whether you're going to default on your mortgage, crack open an ice cold Natty Light, Schlitz, Old English, King Cobra, or Milwaukee's Best and reminisce about a simpler time.


(From Solving the (Sports) Credit Crisis - 10/31/2008)
Greg Oden is the Sam Bowie to Kevin Durant's Michael Jordan. (Settle down, Bulls fans. There's only one MJ, but saying that Oden is the Kwame Brown to Durant's Pau Gasol just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

(From Strange things are afoot at the Circle J - 11/14/2008)
We could solve the educational problems in America by hiring Snoop to make educational videos. Don't tell me you wouldn't watch "Gangstah Grammah w/ Snoop". Only a punk ass would split his infinitives, biatch! Someone please make this happen.


(From A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball - 11/21/2008)
Call me crazy, but I'm of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club.


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports. (For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)


(From The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza! 2008 - 12/4/2008)
I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
I'm not sure what effect this had on the game, but between Andrew Manley and Rico Newman, Leilehua dominated Punahou in the number-of-players-whose-names-

sound-like-they-belong-to-a-porn-star category. I will respectfully refrain from making a joke about them being the only two Leilehua players to hook up for a score.


(From The Year of the Buffanblu - 12/18/2008)
Finally, my personal favorite stat: Punahou players hurdled more Leilehua defenders (2), than Leilehua players scored touchdowns (1). Yes, you read that right. Two Punahou players, Robby Toma and Dalton Hilliard, both of whom, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, will line up for UCLA next year, literally jumped over would-be tacklers. Un. Be. Lievable. You don't need to know much about football to understand that it's not a good sign when the opposing team treats you like a Track & Field prop more frequently than you put the ball in the end zone.