It's been more then ten months since the last Extravaganza! here in the J-Borhood and that is crazy, borderline dangerous. In fact if you've felt moody, depressed, irritable lately or suffered from insomnia, itching, burning, joint pain, syphilis or rectal bleeding recently I would attribute it to to a severe lack of Extravaganzas! in your life, for which I apologize. (Actually, if you've suffered any of the aforementioned symptoms I would attribute it to depression, poison oak, arthritis, or sexual promiscuity and recommend seeking professional medical assitance, but stay with me for humor's sake.) For those of you who are new to the J-Borhood, you may not understand the importance of an Extravaganza! An Extravaganza! takes an ordinary event -- or in my case an extraordinary event -- and instantly makes it special. Memorable. Nigh historical. I've been to shindigs, events, ordeals, hooplas, hootenannies, and hoe downs and none of them come close to the all encompassing excitement of an Extravaganza! Maybe it's the capitalized e and the exclamation point, but something about an Extravaganza! transcends normalcy and instantly catapults you into the realm of epic.
Don't believe me? Let's take a look at an example.
I made a number of banners, which commemorate the Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! (That name is ridiculously long, but A.J.S.B.P.E sounds stupid). For the sake of discussion, I renamed the event on certain banners to test the effect of different event names.
Example 1: No name
BORING. As you can see, the lack of a name really hinders this banner. It's plain and ugly. Certainly not something any of our illustrious readers would ever attend voluntarily.
Example 2: Celebration
Certainly an improvement over the non-named event, but still a little bourgeois. It lacks the panache of an "ordeal", "par-tay" or "happenstance".
Example 3: Fiesta
We're getting somewhere. I have a strange desire to yell Ole!, but it's still a little weird
Example 4: Extravaganza!
Bingo. It's classy, stylish and exciting. Truly J-Borhood-esque.
Now do you see? An Extravaganza! is truly a peerless event. If we can't celebrate an Extravaganza! every six months or less, then what's the point of the J-Borhood? I'm somewhat embarrassed that it has been that long since we've all Extravaganzaed together, so let's not waste any more time. Sit back, relax, grab an ice cold beer, glass of wine, shot of whiskey, Oakland Martini, or all of the above and let's start Extravaganzizing!
Super Bowl Humor
Q: What do you call 10 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys and 10 girls sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: A great Super Bowl Party
Q: What do you call 10 guys, 25 girls, 3 strippers, 2 kegs, 8 bottle of Jack Daniels and a sheep sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: The J-Borhood Super Bowl Party (An Extravaganza! is an acceptable answer)
Q: What do you call 52 guys sitting at home watching the Super Bowl together?
A: THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!
Q: What's the difference between the Indianapolis Colts and a Dollar Bill?
A: The dollar is good for 4 Quarters!
It's not exactly a joke, but this account of Bears linebacker Hunter Hillenmeyer's run in with a European reporter is classic unintentional comedy. Read the account here.
Postulation, Pondering and Prognostication or "How I vainly attempted to set aside my blinding favoritism and objectively analyze the game."
This year brings us Super Bowl XLI (or Super Bowl 41 for those of you aren't familiar with the Romans), which I view as a another missed opportunity for all malt liquor manufacturers. After missing last year's slam dunk opportunity to roll out commemorative Super Bowl 40's for Super Bowl 40, I thought the World's producers of fine malt beverages would see the error of their ways and roll out the special edition 41 ounce bottles in time for Super Bowl 41. (Like you wouldn't buy one?) I've written to Anheuser-Busch -- the hardest Brewery to spell in the world. Anheuser's ego be damned, just change your name to Busch Breweries already -- two years in a row, but both times they've told me that they do all their marketing work in house and do not listen to outside input, "no matter how brilliant". (Ok, I made that last part up.) Sadly, malt liquor marketing departments are run by plodding, unimaginative dolts who lack the basic creativity of John Shoop. (I apologize. For the most part, I try to avoid obscure sports references here on the J-Borhood to prevent myself from alienating the vast majority of readers, who have better things to do then analyze the average passing efficiency of Detroit Lions back-up quarterbacks in the 70's. However, in this case, I couldn't help taking a verbal salvo at the worst offensive coordinator in Bears history. John Shoop led an offense that consisted of two plays: Run up the middle and 3 yard pass. He was terrible. Anyhow, sorry for wasting your time to make a joke that two people -- myself included -- enjoyed. For those of you still reading -- really? no one? -- we now return to our regularly schedule reading.)
Missed marketing opportunities aside, the real focus of this week is a classic match up between the Unstoppable Force (Indianapolis Colts) and the Immovable Object (Chicago Bears). The old adage holds that "Defense Wins Championships", but most experts believe that the Colts should easily dispatch the Bears. The prevailing opinion is that the disparity between Payton Manning's laser rocket arm and Rex "Hide the Women and Children" Grossman will ultimately be too much for the Bears to overcome. Truth be told, I'm not sure what to think. My opinion about this game has vacillated more then John Kerry's political positions. On one hand, I think the sheer athleticism and uncanny discipline of the Bears defense could help them rattle and confuse Payton Manning. On the other hand, the Colts offense is an absolute juggernaut and Payton Manning could have a Hall-of-Fame type game as the Colts on a steamroll the Bears. As my younger brother said, "If the Colts can pick off Grossman before the Bears get a first down, game over, but if the Bears score first, game over." Bottom line: There are too many variables in this game. In situations such as these, I'm forced to resort to my inner Jack Bauer: When in doubt, cut somebody's arm off. No, wait. That's a little drastic. Maybe I should break down the game a little more. (I gotta stop watching 24 or someone is going to get hurt!)
Super Bowl XLI: The "It's about more then just the Quarterback" Bowl.
The media -- as those pesky medias tend to do -- has oversimplified this game. They have characterized it as a match up between the two quarterbacks, Payton Manning vs. Rex Grossman. Often time that makes sense, because of the importance of a Quarterback to his football team. In this case, however, it obfuscates other equally important aspects of this football game. The Bears did not get to the Super Bowl because Rex "OMG! WTF!" Grossman is a great Quarterback. (Hint: He's not.) They got to this point because they have the most well rounded football team in the NFL. They have a superb running game, an amazing defense, a Pro Bowl kicker, the best coverage units in the NFL, and the most exciting return man in NFL history. The Bears can score on offense, defense and special teams, which makes them extremely dangerous and difficult to defend. As they have repeatedly shown, Rex Grossman does not have to have an amazing game for the Bears to win.
But the Colts are dangerous. VERY dangerous. They have incredible team speed, which allows them to get receivers open, spread the field for their running game, and allows their undersized defense to swarm to the ball. The teams that have beat the Colts have been able to neutralize their speed with a combination of power running, physical defenses, and -- the X-factor -- natural grass. That's right, natural grass. All of the Colts losses came on the road, against teams -- Dallas, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston -- whose stadiums feature natural grass. What, pray tell, is the surface at Dolphin Stadium in Miami? None other then natural grass. The Colts offense is precision and speed based. Even their new found running game relies heavily on spread sets and stretch plays, designed to spread out the defense and find creases on the outside. The Colts dangerous pass rushers rely on their speed to attack slower, stronger offensive lineman. On the season the Colts had 25 sacks. In their four losses on natural grass, they had 2. That includes one game against the-human-sack-machine David Carr, who's been sacked over 100 times in the past two years! On turf their team flies all over the field. On grass they can be overpowered.
The "experts" say that the Bears won't be able to keep up with Payton Manning and the Colts offense. These same "experts" seem to forget that the Colts and the Bears both averaged the same number of points (26.7 per game) in the regular season. The Colts scored more with their offense, whereas the Bears relied on their defense and special teams to make up the difference. At the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling that this Super Bowl reminds me of 2002, when a ragtag group of scrappy upstarts disrupted a flashy offensive juggernaut with a physical, disciplined defense and smart, conservative offensive football.
Two weeks ago I announced that the Patriots were the new Yankees. I'm here to announce that the Chicago Bears are the new Patriots.
Bears win on a Robbie Gould field goal as time expires: Bears 27, Colts 24.
GO BEARS!
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