Bad news, friends and J-Bors. Due to recent time constraints, I am forced to downgrade the status of the 2008 Annual J-Borhood Prognostication Extravaganza! Unfortunately, it does not contain the required amounts of fun, frivolity and flavor required of an Extravaganza! It’s not quite an Extravaganza (notice the missing exclamation point, a serious downgrade), an Etravaganza didn’t feel right (Missing the ‘X’ of course, because it is no longer Xtreme), a Travaganza sounds more like an Eastern European city then a ‘Hood worthy celebration and Vaganza sounds uncomfortably similar to a certain lovely member of the female anatomy. With that in mind, if decided to coin this celebration a Ravaganza. It does not quite conger up the no holds barred excitement of an Extravaganza! (for which, I humbly apologize), but it still sounds like a party at which it’d be cool if you took your pants off. Which, let’s be honest, is what you’re all here for anyway.
So, without further ado, allow me to present the 2008 Annual J-Borhood Prognostication Ravaganza!
Yesterday, J-Bor Jericho Stone (who wins the coolest name award, hands down), sent me some information about an intriguing development in the 2008 Presidential Primary race. Two new candidates have emerged and cemented themselves as the front runners in the up-for-grabs race towards the White House. These two individuals provide a potentially ground breaking ticket that, not only crosses racial lines, but crosses party lines as well. Forget Mitt Romney. Say goodbye to Hillary Clinton. Move over John McCain.
Make way for Brady / Moss in ‘08
On one side you have Brady, the socially progressive Democrat. He looks like a winner, talks like a winner and acts like a winner and has a proven track record of success. Though some liberals claim that he doesn’t like to give handouts (as evidenced by his small number of turnovers), he manages to appeal to the broader base of socially minded liberals through his proactive welfare solutions (his efficient distribution of touches to all members of the offense.) He demonstrated that he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is when he declined a larger salary for the good of the team and, in the footsteps of the great Democrat, JFK, he’s good looking, from Boston and has a penchant for spending time with Supermodels.
On the other side you have Moss, the hawkish, outspoken Republican. He firmly believes in the conservative ideal of every man for himself, an ideal he embodied during over the off season when he orchestrated a trade from the worst team in the league to the best team in the league. He also demonstrated a strong capitalist spirit this season in breaking Jerry Rice’s long standing touchdown record, which will surely lead to a giant contract in the offseason. He has also garnered strong praise in conservative circles for his support of a strong armed forces (clearly the man knows the value of a good offense) and, finally, like Mitt Romney, he appeals to the African American demographic.
The pair certainly have their work cut out for them on Super Tuesday, er… Sunday, but they’ve established themselves as the clear favorites and plan on storming their way to victory.
As has become tradition here in the ‘Hood, I provide each Super Bowl a unique moniker.
Super Bowl XV, brought us the Ex-Girlfriend Bowl.
Super Bowl XVI was the “It's about more then just the Quarterback” Bowl.
Without further ado, allow me to present the 2008 J-Borhood Super Bowl:
Super Bowl XVII: The Destiny Bowl
This Super Bowl matches up two teams with destiny on their side. The New York Giants became a team of destiny when, rather then rest their starters in a meaningless game at the end of the season, they went toe to toe with the 15-0 New England Patriots, nearly shattering their attempt at a perfect seasons. The Giants rode the momentum from that victory into three consecutive road victories over heavily favored opponents. Meanwhile, the Patriots have sliced through the league with ninja-like efficiency towards their Manifest Destiny: a perfect season. (Yes, this last sentence was just an excuse to say “ninja-like efficiency”) Now, their two destinies collide in what many say will be the most watched sporting event in the history of the world.
While, on paper, the Giants appear overmatched, they possess the type of pass rushing threat that a team needs to try and disrupt the Patriots precision and timing passed passing attack. As we witnessed in the Sugar Bowl, a ferocious pass rush can wreak havoc on a passing attack. I feel like I’ve written the same thing for the past three weeks, but if the Jaguars, err…Chargers, err…Giants can put consistent pressure on Tom Brady without having to take men out of coverage to blitz, then they have a chance. Unfortunately, the Patriots have the best offensive line since the mid-90’s Cowboys (for you non-football fans out there, if an average NFL offensive line is a picket fence creating a small, but sturdy impediment for opposing defenses, then the mid-90’s Cowboys lines were like Alcatraz, if Alcatraz was surrounded by tiger sharks with laser beams on their heads.) rendering the possibility of creating pressure on Brady for four quarters nearly impossible. On top of that, Eli Manning, playing in his first Super Bowl, will need to continue his recent run of efficiency (6 TDs to 0 INTs in the playoffs), sustain long drives with the offense and score touchdowns when they get in the red zone. Eli has the unusual opportunity of talking to his brother about what needs to be done here, but judging from Payton’s post season track record against the Patriots, maybe he’s best going this one alone.
In large part due to the quality of their defense and the emergence of young quarterback, Eli Manning, everyone wants to compare the 2007 New York Giants to the 1990 Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. The 1990 Giants featured a hard hitting defense, led by a veteran Superstar, Lawrence Taylor, with a penchant for antagonizing the quarterback; They were led by a young efficient quarterback, Phil Simms, with something to prove; They faced the daunting task of slowing down the seemingly unstoppable K-Gun offense of future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Jim Kelly and dynamic playmakers Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed. The 2007 Giants also feature a hard hitting defense, led by a veteran superstar, Michael Strahan, with a penchant for antagonizing the quarterback; They are led by a young efficient quarterback, Eli Manning, with everything to prove; They face the daunting task of slowing down the seemingly unstoppable offense of future Hall-of-Fame Quarterback Tom Brady and dynamic playmakers Randy Moss and Wes Welker. In fact, the similarities are so abundant, that it has led many pundits to predict that the Giants will once again shock the world in Super Bowl XVII. This reasoning, however, has one tiny oversight.
The defensive coordinator of the 1990 Giants, the man responsible for orchestrating the brilliant game plan that confused and manipulated the powerful Buffalo offense was Bill Belicheck.
Yes, that Bill Belicheck: The coach of the New England Patriots.
In my playoff preview, I postulated that the Patriots recent run of success proves that God does not care about football because he would not thusly reward a group who has cheated and displayed poor sportsmanship. J-Borhood fan, erudite intellectual and Dallas Cowboy cheerleader Jennifer Higaki has a different theory. She believes that God does care about football, however, much like during the fall of Rome, God has lost interest in the dominant power – in this case, the Super Bowl – due to it’s immorality, corpulence and largess. As the NFL has transformed from a league centered around man to man competition and fair play into one predicated on large contracts, me-first superstars and commercial interests, God’s interest in the NFL has waned and he has focused his attention towards the college season. We only need to observe the recent season of the University of Hawaii Warriors for an example of God’s good works on display in the college game.
But, you ask, how does this affect this Super Bowl?
Because the Giants will need an act of God to beat the Patriots.
I’m sorry to say this and I hope it’s not true, but I think the Patriots are going to get out to a big lead in the first half and never look back. The only interesting thing about this game after half time will be the commercials, which, sadly, switch to local programming for the second half.
Heaven help us. (Please.)
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