The Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza!

It’s that time of year again. Well, in this case not again, but it’s definitely that time of year: The Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza! It may be the “first” Annual J-Borhood Super Bowl Prognostication Extravaganza, but from the sound of that name, it sounds like this may be happening for a long, long time. Lucky you.

The Super Bowl is one of those few events that truly transcends the world of sports. Somewhere in the neighborhood of a billion people tune in to watch extravagant commercials, a star studded half time show, beer bottles playing football, the occasional nipple, and, if there’s any time left over, a football game. But have no fear J-Bors, as you can already tell from my previous essays, I am an incredibly high brow, immensely levelheaded person, impervious to the hype and spin of the mainstream media, who will sift through this morass of media to bring you hard hitting opinions and serious football commentary. Aw, who am I kidding? Let’s kick up the hype, transcend the sports, and BRING ON THE FUN!

This is Super Bowl XL (Super Bowl 40 if you don’t know about the Romans) or Super Bowl Xtra Large as the media has taken to referring to it. I think Super Bowl 40 ounces is a far better name, but in truth I’ve taken to calling it:

Super Bowl XL: The Ex-Girlfriends Bowl.

Interestingly enough, this Super Bowl pits two teams which hail from the respective cities of my two serious ex-girlfriends from college. Even stranger is that each team is very similar to the girl from the same city. The Seattle Seahawks hail from the rainy northwestern haven known to locals as the Emerald City, hometown of Leslie “Barnyard” Barnard. The Pittsburg Steelers come from the coal mining capitol of the United States, hometown of Bridget Callahan. Both teams (and women) have their strengths, but they certainly have their weaknesses as well and both play extremely different styles of football.

Pittsburg plays a hard nosed smash-mouth style of football, that reminds me of the rugged, broad shouldered, rugby playing, foul-mouthed Bridget. Both are extremely vocal in public, don’t shy away from a fight, and prefer to use a physical style that takes the game to the opposition. Also, both the Steelers and Miss Callahan seem to thrive off the criticisms of others. Neither is afraid to express their emotions and play their style of game, regardless of public sentiment. They seem to rise to the occasion when others count them out, letting nothing stand in their way of what they view as “rightfully theirs” (seriously). Both have that unmistakable propensity for psychosis. Overall, they bring a wild, physical, and emotional package to the table that is a formidable opponent in any setting.

On the other side of the ball, Seattle plays a much different style of football. Just like Leslie, they play smart and controlled, with a dangerous wild streak. Leslie was a very thoughtful girl who carefully pondered every decision like Seahawk’s quarterback, Matt Hasselbeck, who has grown into a dangerous leader on the football field, and uses his intelligent decision making to control the tempo of the relationship….err, game. Yet, Leslie was prone to the occasional bout of spontaneity (usually thanks to her affinity for Smirnoff) just like Seahawk’s running back Shaun Alexander who uses his quickness and incredible agility to break off big gains.

All in all, both “teams” have their good qualities, yet both suffer from glaring weaknesses that leave anyone but the most diehard fan a little wary. On one hand, it’s tough to root against a team of destiny like Pittsburg. In the second play of their game against Cincinnati, they injured the Bengal’s star quarterback Carson Palmer and feasted upon his back up in the second half. Against Indianapolis, Nick Harper inexplicably cut back inside, directly into the stumbling Ben Roethlesburger instead of staying outside for the almost certain winning touchdown. In Denver, Roethlesburger's second pass went right through the hands of All-Pro cornerback Champ Bailey (who would have returned it for a touchdown and an early 7-0 Denver lead), hit Hines Ward in the helmet, bounced 15 feet in the air, and then landed back in Hines Ward’s hands for a 15 yard gain. All the stars are aligned for “The Bus” to drive away from the game with a Super Bowl ring. Yet I get the same feeling from this Steeler squad that I got from my other broad shouldered acquaintance from Pittsburg: that something is missing. I’m not convinced that their good fortune can continue, effectively hiding their weaknesses for another week in a row, especially against a well balanced Seattle team. Furthermore, I don’t think Pittsburg has what it takes to come from behind. Last but not least, Pittsburg is a 4.5 point favorite, which sounds crazy considering they’re the #6 seed in the AFC facing the #1 seed in the NFC. The way I see it, Seattle strikes first and keeps Ben Roethlesburger on his toes with their quick defense. Seattle will score enough points to keep Pittsburg from relying heavily on the run game, and will control the clock in the second half with a heavy does of Shaun Alexander running behind the strong left side of the Seattle offensive line.

Final Score: Seahawks 27, Steelers 20

Then again, if this is anything like real life, the Seahawks should find a way to lose in a heart wrenching fashion and render my pick worthless. What can I say? It’s tough to win in the Ex-Girlfriend bowl.