Bush League

Saturday, April 29, 2006.

The day the music died (at least deep in the heart of Texas). April 29^th should have marked the dawning of the Reggie Bush era for the Houston Texans. Instead, we will always remember it as the day a team finally usurped the title of worst draft decision title holder from the Portland Trailblazers. By knockout.

22 years ago, the Trailblazers made the mistake of taking Sam Bowie ahead of soon-to-become-the-greatest-basketball-player-of-all-time, Michael Jordan. In Portland’s defense, Bowie made the 1980 Olympic Team straight out of high school, possessed prototypical size and strength, had four dominant, albeit injury plagued, years at Kentucky, and even had a great rookie season (10 points, 8.6 rebounds, 2.7 blocks per game, thank you databasebasketball.com) before injuries derailed his career. Unfortunately, Michael Jordan won 5 MVP awards, was named to 10 All-NBA First Teams, 9 All-Defensive Teams, led the Bulls to 6 NBA Titles, and was named “the greatest athlete of the century” by ESPN. Tough act to follow. Michael’s ascension to greatness made the name Sam Bowie synonymous with “biggest draft blunder ever.” But on April 29, 2006, the Texans changed all that; and they did it in a hurry.

The Texans decided to pass up the most hyped, electric, jaw-dropping, laws-of-physics-breaking, oh-my-god-did-you-see-that player in college football history for a defensive line project. WHAT?!?! Not only did the Texans pass up the most talented player to come out of college in a decade, maybe ever, they simultaneously let down their entire fan base. The outcry over the event was so great, that the Texans summarily fired their GM. Texans fans had been salivating over the prospect of drafting Reggie Bush ever since their team lost the “Reggie Bush Bowl” to the San Francisco 49ers, which assured them the worst record in the league and the corresponding first pick in the draft. Fast forward five months later and they wake up on Saturday morning to…Mario Williams? That’s the draft equivalent of Steve Bartman. Everything seems to be going right, looks like your franchise is about to turn the corner, and then…

You passed up Reggie, and everybody knows,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…YOU’RE NOT KABLAMMO!

I’ve been trying to piece together the events that led up to the Chernobylesque draft day catastrophe and I inadvertently stumbled upon this historical draft day coverage from ESPN 8.

Announcer: We now return to ESPN 8 The Ocho’s live coverage of the NFL Draft. Here’s your hosts Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight.

Pepper: We’re getting close to the first pick in the draft and it looks like Texas GM Charlie Casserly is ready to make his pick Cotton. What do you think he does here?

Cotton: Well Pepper, I think he’s going to try and make his team better.

Pepper: Your analysis never ceases to amaze Cott, but I think we all know he’s going to pick up Reggie Bush.

Cotton: Got to agree with you there Pepper. They’ve had Reggie Bush locked up in contract talks, and with only 5 minutes left until there pick, they’re only minutes away from solidifying that backfield for many years to come. Looks like the Texans luck has finally turned around.

Pepper: The moment we’ve been waiting for has arrived. Casserly strides up to the podium and, what is this, a fan appears to have intercepted Casserly at the last minute and handed him a note. Casserly looks at it and, Cotton, can you believe this? It looks like he changing his pick!.

Paul Tagliabue: With the 1^st pick in the 2006 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select…Mario Williams.

Cotton: Pepper, I’m going to have to say I don’t agree with this move

Pepper: It appears that the fans don’t agree with the pick either Cotton. I wouldn’t want to be Charlie Casserly today.

This lost footage provided me the answer to the Reggie Bush mystery. If I could track down the note, I could know why Casserly made his catastrophically awful decision. After a long and difficult search, I managed to track down Casserly living amongst a small nomadic tribe of Pygmies in Siberia. I convinced him to show me the note after promising to air his side of the story. The contents of the note shocked me to the core, and I realized that Casserly had been the victim of a vicious misdirection. In order to set the record straight once and for all, I am reprinting the contents of the note here:

Charlie,

I hear that Reggie Bush has come down with a strange muscular degenerative disease called herpagonasyphilaids. I’ve heard good things about that Mario kid.

Sincerely, S. Bowie.

They say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. It seems with a little devilish inspiration, Mr. Bowie can finally rest in peace.

J-BORHOOD MONDAY NIGHT PICK-OFF 2006

Every year, my buddy Sean and I take turns picking the Monday night football games. At the end of the season, the loser has to buy the winner a six pack. The only rule is that if one person’s favorite team is playing, (Sean’s a Colts fan and if you haven’t figured out I’m a Bears fan I’m not sure what to say) they automatically get to pick them. Last year, Sean beat me by a decisive margin and so I decided to publish these picks in order to dispel the notion that a smart sports savant such as myself can make accurate predictions about a game played by twenty-somethings with a ball that doesn’t bounce straight.

Things got off to a rough start last week when I picked the defending world champion Steelers to fend off the upstart Jaguars, so I’m coming into Monday’s match-up down 1 to 0. This week’s game features the Falcons and the Saints in a match up of undefeated teams and is the Saint’s first game in the Superdome since the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, so it should be a tense play-off atmosphere. It was Sean’s turn to pick and with stunning brevity, he picked the Falcons, stating that “I like Michael Vick” [EIC: Did someone say "Ron Mexico?"] Classy move Sean, picking against the city that was destroyed by a hurricane.

So as the Monday night game approaches my heart, and my affiliation, goes out to the citizens of New Orleans as they struggle to overcome the ravages of nature and the rugged Falcons running game. No city deserves a big win more then New Orleans and with Mr. Bush on their side, I believe it’s time. In case they needed a little more incentive, now they can say, “Let’s win one for D’Olier!”.

LET’S GET IT ON.

Seasons Record: Sean leads 1-0.