A 5-Step Program for UH Basketball

What I want to do on Monday night at 11 pm generally starts and ends with my couch, polishing off a second bottle of Tempranillo – almost as fun to say as it is to drink – and discussing the glorious, unintentional comedy of the latest episode of Scream Queens on VH1 with the Editor-in-Chief. (That’s right. I watch Scream Queens. Religiously. In fact, I also watch Rock of Love Charm School and, most shamefully, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF on a weekly basis. What can I say? I’m a sucker for bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations. Moving on…). What this list does not include is attending a UH Basketball game.

Yet, there I was, walking into the Stan Sheriff Center on Monday night along with a motley crew of college students, drunks, stoners, and the unemployed to support a 0-2 Rainbow basketball team in a game scheduled to end sometime after last call at Femme Nu. Call me crazy, but I’m of the opinion that after attending a basketball game I should be able to get to bed before my buddies who went to a strip club. But I digress…

Upon entering the Arena, I met up with a few friends and headed for the concession stands to partake in one of the finer aspects of UH Basketball games: $7.50, 32 ounce beers and Gordon Biersch garlic fries. As we circled the Arena, we noticed a troubling development:

No beer. No garlic fries.

I understand that late night driving and 32 ounce beers probably don’t mesh well, however, college basketball without an embarrassingly large malt beverage is positively un-American. I started to go through the five stages of grief.

Denial – This can’t be happening. There must be beer here somewhere.

Anger – Why didn’t they announce they weren’t serving beer? This is ridiculous!

Bargaining – I wonder if I could pay someone to open up the beer garden…

Depression – This game is going to suck, maybe we should just go home.

Acceptance - … (Let’s just say that some things are beyond acceptance.)

As I struggled to figure out a way to distill Coca-Cola into a liquor, I heard the words every sports fan dreams about…

Anna Kournikova is in your hot-tub?

Even better. Well, not better, but slightly more realistic.

The Cubs won the World Series?

I said realistic.

[Your Name], please come to the front of the Arena to claim your prize?

Bingo.

When I finally arrived, out of breath, at the front of the Arena, an usher informed me that I had won four courtside seats to the game. That’s right, four courtside seats to the nationally televised game. Not only did my buddies and I have front row seats to an amazing basketball game – UH won in an overtime thriller – we showed up on ESPN. As I attempted to call everyone I thought wouldn’t terminate our friendship for waking them up, I received the coolest text message ever from my wife midway through the first quarter:

Did you just catch a ball? I think I saw you!

I always dreamed about appearing on ESPN. I never thought it would happen quite like that.

(The best place to see me is at the :20 mark. I’m the devastatingly handsome guy sitting behind the Bank of Hawaii sign wearing a green and white striped shirt. Make sure to watch the video in High Quality, otherwise you can’t tell if it’s me or a splotch of vomit on the camera lens. God bless You Tube.)



It’s one thing to watch a basketball game on TV.

It’s another thing to watch a basketball game live.

It’s a completely different experience altogether to watch a basketball game courtside. On TV, the players look big. In person, they look huge. Courtside? Downright terrifying.

Nothing makes you feel quite as small as a 6’ 7”, 235 pound man diving out of bounds and crashing into a table right in front of you. I’m 90% sure that I could wear Brandon Adams’s shoe as a hat.

It was truly an amazing experience and it reminded me about all the reasons why I love college basketball. It also reminded me that UH has a long way to go before it can join the ranks of the elite college basketball programs in the country. But there is hope. Not long ago crowds routinely filled the Stan Sheriff Center and you got a sense of that passion on Monday night.

After attending the game, I have a renewed faith that we can rekindle the magic of UH Basketball and get the crowds to return. We just need to make a few adjustments.

Remember That We Wear Green and White

Forget “White Out” night.

I don’t want to hear about “Green Out” night.

Don’t even get me started about “Black Out” night. (It’s a basketball game, not a wake.)

Without being prompted, UH fans should attend games wearing some combination of green and white. Not black, not blue, not their favorite Tommy Bahama Aloha shirt. Green and white.

If you watch any of the approximately 9,632 basketball games on ESPN every Saturday, you’ll notice that the fans all wear the same color or colors. You’ll also notice, not coincidentally, that the team wears the same color.

It’s not complicated.

The UH Basketball team wears green and white. You wear green and white. Ok? Do you really need a marketing department to help you pick out a matching color scheme?

Once we get everyone wearing green and white, we can work on getting them to keep standing after tip-off until the team scores. Baby steps.

Increase Student Attendance

Even though only 2000 people showed up for the game, the crowd was loud, cheered constantly, and maintained a great energy from tip-off to the end of overtime. A typical UH game is about as lively as a Kenny G concert and Monday’s game was more like a Miley Cyrus show. Not quite the AC/DC atmosphere we need, but a step in the right direction.

The improved atmosphere was largely due to the increased number of students that attended the game. Usually, the student section consists of about 30 kids sequestered under the visitor’s basket. On Monday, there were well over 200 students at the game and, due to the open seating format, they were spread out all over the arena. They were loud, they were rowdy, and they gave the Rainbows a noticeable boost.

In order to truly grow the program and foster the high energy college atmosphere that makes college basketball so special, UH needs to do everything in its power to make games more accessible to students. I understand this is a complex issue that includes a the construction of new dorms, vast improvements of on-campus life, and the transition from a commuter school to one with a full fledged dorm life, however, if we ever want UH games to be more than a glorified tea party, the students need to lead the way.

Get Students Closer to the Floor

I know that season ticket holders already occupy the seats.

I know that it means less money for the University up front. (I’d argue that making games more exciting and accessible for students builds a more loyal fan base, more likely to donate to the program in the future, but that’s an argument for another day.)

But there’s no substitute for loud, crazy students, sitting courtside at a college basketball game. Every large college basketball program in the country includes a large student section next to the court. Not sequestered under a basket somewhere, or hidden in the bleachers. Front and center.

UH needs to move all the current season ticket holders from the section directly across from the visitor’s bench, block out the entire section for students, and give the prior season ticket holders first priority for new season tickets. They might complain about being moved at first, but they’ll come around the first time they watch an opposing player break down in tears after the students ride them for an entire game.

Which leads me to my next point…

Improve Heckling

For the last time, yelling “You F***ing Suck!” does not constitute heckling.

It’s not witty, it’s not funny and, most importantly, it doesn’t psyche out the other team. The whole point of heckling is to get into the other team’s head and swearing at them like every other drunk loser they hear night in, night out isn’t going to get it done.

You have to remember, they’ve been playing 40 games a year since they were in high school. They’ve heard almost every conceivable heckle in the book. Many of them far more witty and original then anything you’re going to say. The only way to get under their skin is to catch them off guard. Hit them with something humorous and original.

Heckling is a lot like Marketing. Anyone can do it, and a little creativity goes a long way, but true success requires extensive research. Each week the Manoa Maniacs need to create a heckler cheat sheet and pass them out at the games. These should include each opposing players name, basic facts about them, as well as any embarrassing facts they dug up on the internet. Player A danced ballet in high school. Player B was arrested for marijuana possession. Player C was caught with his pants down in the company of a sheep. You get the picture.

UH fans need to embrace heckling as a true art form. They’re college students. It’s not like they have better things to do then sit up late at night, drink 40s and research the best way to make opposing players cry.

Someone make this happen.

Always Server Beer

I’ll give you a free pass for Monday. Just don’t ever let that happen again, ok?

I’m confident that if UH makes the aforementioned changes, UH Basketball can once again sell out the Stan Sheriff Center and take their program to the next level. But, if all else fails, never underestimate the power of bikini clad bombshells in contrived melodramatic situations.

I’m just saying…