The Annual JBorhood Thankgiving Extravaganza! 2008

Some holiday festivities, like drinking hot buttered rum and watching A Christmas Story, deserve to become traditions. Others, like getting a sinus infection, taking NyQuil, passing out and locking your wife out of the apartment, not so much (see honey, isn't it a little funny when you read it in print?).

Last year, instead of joining the reactionary miasma of sports writers who pointed out the year's Turkeys -- the year's biggest jerks and ne'er-do-wells, the JBorhood set aside time to list the things for which it was thankful in the world of sports.

(For the record, yes, I did just say "reactionary miasma", "ne'er-do-wells" and refer to myself in the third person in the span of one sentence. Kids, don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are impossible.)

I believe society in general spends too much time discussing everything that's wrong with sports (the money, the egos, the unintentionally comedic and sexually suggestive 80's dance videos). On the contrary, I enjoy the opportunity to highlight and celebrate everything right about sports. With that in mind, I'd like to formally announce a new JBorhood Tradition: The Annual JBorhood Thanksgiving Extravaganza!

Because what's a holiday without an absurdly long name?

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Ping Pong Balls

The best thing about the NBA is that one player can completely turn around a franchise.

Similarly, the worst thing about the NBA is that getting one of these players is almost impossible.

Not only do you have to get the first pick in the draft, which is determined through a bingo-type weighted lottery system where the number of ping-pong balls for a given team is inversely related to their total wins, you have to hope that a franchise player is available and that your GM isn't too much of a f***tard to draft them. (Please excuse my French, but if you pass up Chris Paul for Andrew Bogut there's no other word for you. In fact, even that might be too kind.) Consequently, a large number of NBA teams toil in the hopelessness of NBA purgatory: too good to get a decent draft pick, not good enough to compete for a title.

Last season, my beloved Bulls found themselves in this hopeless quagmire and I had no hope that they would extricate themselves from this hopeless cycle any time soon. Two days after my daughter was born, that all changed.

I sat in the recovery room with my wife and two day old daughter watching ESPN when the draft lottery came on. (FYI - A newborn wants only to eat, sleep and be held. Coincidentally, all three of these things are easily accomplished while sitting on a couch watching sports. Babies: more useful then you'd think...) I rubbed my baby's head for good luck and whispered a prayer to God. "God, if you let the Bulls win the lottery, I'll consider letting her date before the age of 35. Your move."

The Bulls were slated to get the 9th pick in the draft and had only had a 1.7% chance of one of their ping pong balls emerging from the lottery, so I resigned myself to disappointment and tried to get excited about the Bulls inevitable pick of Brook Lopez. (In my opinion, it's never good when your NBA Power Forward's name sounds like it should belong to a female beach volleyball player.) But, when David Stern opened the envelope for the ninth pick in the draft, the envelope did not say Chicago Bulls; it said Charlotte Bobcats, meaning the Bulls were assured of a top 3 pick.
I started to get more nervous and excited than I'd been since the day my child was born. I rubbed my baby's head again and said another prayer to God. "God, if you give the Bulls the number one pick, I'll consider letting her date before the ago of 25. Your move."

Suffice to say, God is of the opinion that my daughter should date before graduating from college. (Though we never clarified whether the dates had to be unsupervised...)

Flash forward 6-months, Derrick Rose is setting the NBA on fire, looking like a can't-miss superstar and the Bulls -- and their fans -- have a renewed sense of hope.

And none of it would have been possible without a little help from ping-pong balls (and God's liberal dating policies).

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Bernard Pollard

Bernard Pollard is single-handedly responsible for the craziest, most competitive NFL season in recent memory. When he barreled though the Patriots line, five minutes into the season and exploded Tom Brady's ACL, MCL, PCL (and probably a couple really cool CLs that I don't even know about), he effectively eliminated the NFL's one dominant team and turned the rest of the season into a complete crap shoot. Last year, 13 weeks into the season it was the Patriots and everyone else. This year...

• A staggering 21 of 32 teams have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. (My condolences to the Browns, Bengals, Chargers, Texans, Jaguars, Raiders, Chiefs, Lions, Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams.)
• 9 of the 12 potential NFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons.)
• 7 of the 9 potential AFC playoff teams have a chance to represent their conference in the Super Bowl. (My condolences to the Dolphins and Bills)

Essentially, with only 4 weeks left in the season, anything is possible.

And none of it would have been possible without Bernard Pollard.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... The Perfect Excuse

Forget about the unconditional love, the excitement of new experiences, or the inexplicable wonder of each day. The best part about having a baby is that you can use them as the ultimate Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card.

Seriously, now that I have a kid, I have a built-in excuse to watch any sporting event at any time. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'd love to volunteer at the orphanage today, but I have to stay in and watch the Lakers...err, baby." The only difference between watching a game with a baby and watching a game without a baby is that you have to change diapers at half time. A small price to pay for unlimited sports watching privileges.

But using your baby as an excuse to watch sports is only the beginning. The only thing limiting the type of excuse for which you can use your baby is your imagination.

"Sorry, I'm late. You know. The baby."

"Did someone fart? Oh, baby, that's terrible!"

"Sorry for not shaving or showering in over two weeks and wearing a bathing suit and a T-shirt to work. I have a baby."

"Sorry for starting at your breasts. I have a baby."

"I'd like a rum and coke and a shot of Jaeger. Oh, don't worry. The Jaeger is for the baby."

If I end up having another kid, I think I'll just streamline the process and name him "His Fault." "Oh, I'm sorry I ran over your Grandmother. It was His Fault." Now if you excuse me, I need to talk my wife out of signing those divorce papers.

I'm sorry for making an inappropriate joke, honey. You know. The baby...

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Greg Alexander

After three years of Colt Brennan football, I began to take the quarterback position for granted. I grew fat off the lamb of 50 point outings and accustomed to jaw-dropping 30-yard strikes hitting the hands of wide receivers in stried. I had conversations about my disappointment after "sub-par" 300 yard, 3 touchdown performances. I figured that, even after Colt left, someone would come assume the throne as the rightful heir to the mantle of UH Quarterbacks. Hell, even I could throw for 250 and 2 TD's in that offense. Right?

WRONG.

In their first three games against Division I opponents, UH Quarterbacks threw one touchdown pass and 12 interceptions. Compare that to Colt Brennan, who in 2006 threw 13 interceptions THE ENTIRE SEASON. (It also bears mentioning that he accompanied those INTs with an NCAA record 58 touchdowns.)

After watching erstwhile starter Inoke Funaki attempt to set offense football back a century against Boise State, I inquired about the possibility of petitioning for lifetime NCAA eligibility for Colt Breannan. (Seriously, some guys are just born to play college sports and Colt is one of them. Why waste his talent on the bench in Washington when he can resume his rightful place behind center for the UH Warriors for the next 20 years. Similarly, the NCAA needs to grant lifetime eligibility to Tyler Hansborough. I refuse to sit idly by while he becomes our generations Christian Laettner.)

I told myself that the offense was simply undergoing growing pains following the departure of June Jones.

I discussed spicing up the game with my friends by creating a drinking game that involved drinking every time a UH quarterback missed a wide receiver by five feet, but we abandoned this plan after agreeing it would lead to almost certain death.

I did anything I could to make UH football watchable, but nothing worked.

Nothing, that is, until Greg "I-don't-care-that-you're-not-really-that-good-you-look-like-a-combination-of-Payton-Manning-and-Jesus-compared-to-the-other-quarterbacks" Alexander took over. After taking over the starting job in Game 8, Alexander did not throw an interception until the 4th quarter of Game 12. For the more mathematically inclined JBors, that is a 2000% decrease in the number of interceptions thrown in comparison to his predecessors. For those of you not so mathematically inclined, that's a good thing.

He may not be perfect. He may not have a laser rocket arm. He may not be Colt Brennan. Hell, he may not even be Timmy Chang. But Greg Alexander can throw a football down field and occasionally have it caught by other players, most of whom play for our team and for that, I am thankful.

Trust me. If you watched the first half of the University of Hawaii's season, you'd be thankful too.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... Iowa Football

Two years in a row, college football fans watched a Big Ten team embarrass themselves in the National Title Game, both times rendering the contest virtually unwatchable. This year, that scenario threatened to occur for a third straight year as Penn State marched toward an unbeaten season.

Even though Penn State often struggled against mediocre competition and did not have a single signature non-conference win on their schedule -- No, beating Oregon State does not qualify as a "signature win" no matter what USC fans tell you. You lose to Stanford, I stop taking you seriously. End of story. -- the feel-good story of iconic coach Joe Paterno's return to prominence made them a virtual lock for the title game if they finished the season undefeated. After they narrowly edge perennial Big Ten powerhouse Ohio State, only Iowa stood in between them and a date with destiny.

Truth be told, I already had a soft spot in my heart for the Hawkeyes because both my parents graduated from the University of Iowa. Even still, heading into the match-up with Penn State, I put the Hawkeyes chances of victory somewhere between the possibility of peace in the Middle East and the likelihood that Catherine Zeta-Jones will one day return my undying affection (I'll let you surmise which one of those is more likely). Iowa has a solid football team -- good defense, strong running game -- but the list of big Iowa football victories is about the same size as the list of Matt LeBlanc's hit movies. Their last marquee game involved a 38-17 drubbing at the hands of USC in the 2003 Orange Bowl. (Note: It should say something that their last marquee game occurred in 2003.)

Yet, there they were. Making an improbable drive, capped off by an unbelievable 3rd and 10 conversion by a Quarterback who didn't assume the starting role until the 6th game of the season. Now, rather than brace for another Big 10 drubbing in the national championship game, college football fans are getting excited for a Alabama/Florida vs. Texas/Oklahoma showdown of the Titans.

And none of it would have been possible without the Iowa Hawkeyes.

In 2009, I'm thankful for... A Beautiful, Happy, Healthy Baby Girl

Nothing that has occurred in my life up to this point could have prepared me for the joy of my little baby smiling at me whenever I walk into a room. I love her so much and wish I could spend every moment of every day with her. I'm thankful for a lot of things to do with sports this year, but none quite compare with how thankful I am for my baby girl.

Happy Holidays Everyone!