A Midseason Night's Dream

Or, as I affectionately refer to it, the "Oh crap, between my trip to visit my brother, the end of March Madness, the culmination of The Jimmy and the birth of my child, we're already at the All-Star Break and I haven't written anything about the 2008 Major League Baseball season" Prognostication Extravaganza! 2008!

I dropped the ball a little.

Ok, I dropped the ball a lot.

I write a weekly sports column and, aside from an offhand musing about the trade of a player who's spent more time on the disabled list then on the field over the last two years, I haven't written a single thing about a baseball season that is more then halfway over. That's like Jenna Jameson starting her own television channel and showing nothing but reruns of "Jeopardy" for six months. Don't get me wrong, Alex Trebek is a saucy minx; he's just probably not what you expected when you coughed up the extra twenty five dollars a month for the "premium" package.

So, mea culpa - mea culpa - mea maxima culpa, I promise you nothing but hardcore porn…err, writing from here on out. Not exactly lurid and only mildly sensational, but you can always count on the "naked" truth (and between you and me, that's as naked as we all want me to get).

Now, before I take this pornography joke one step too far, let's recap what's happened so far:

A reformed crackhead – Josh Hamilton – leads the race for America League MVP.

A team that previously toiled in baseball purgatory – Tampa Bay Devil Rays – renounced Satan (It's just the Rays, now) and rose to the top of the American League East.

Jason Giambi turned into Ron Jeremy and revitalized his career. (If you haven't seen his 70's porn star mustache or read about his gold thong, do yourself a favor and check this out: Jason "Ron Jeremy" Giambi; Jason Giambi's Magic Gold Thong)

A guy with a horribly unfortunate last name – Justin Duchscherer (yes, it's pronounced like you think it is) – is leading the Major Leagues in ERA and has more wins (10) then Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, and Greg Maddux. Combined.

Pat Burrell, Dan Uggla, Carlos Quentin, and Ryan Ludwick (don't worry, I don't know who they are either) all have more home runs and RBI then Alex Rodriguez.
(A quick aside: I had an internal debate with whether to say "more RBI" or "more RBIs". Technically, "more RBI" is correct since RBI stand for "runs batted in", unfortunately, it makes me sound like a pretentious Duchscherer. I finally decided that I needed to stay true to my roots as a pretentious wanker and went with the Duchschy option.)

Finally, Hell's inhabitants browsed the winter collection at JC Penny (the only department store who offers shipping to the underworld) and large numbers of North American swine reviewed their pilot manuals as the Chicago Cubs surged to the best record in baseball.

(Seriously, I stop writing about baseball for three months and the league goes crazy. I feel like baseball decided to punish me for my absence.)

Instead of trying to recount the absolutely absurdity of the aforementioned aberrations, I want to take the opportunity (no matter how late or, frankly, ridiculous), to offer my original 2008 Major League Baseball Prognostications. In order to prove that my predictions are indeed my original predictions, which I made before the season, I decided to include my revised, midseason predictions to illustrate, once again, how foolish I am. (Yes, I am well aware that I need very little help in this regard.)

WARNING: The following section contains actual sports information and analysis. I know, very rare around these parts, but the JBorhood is a sports periodical after all.

(That's right: A periodical. The JBorhood is NOT a blog. Blogs are what 14-year-old girls use to talk about the way their latest pair of 7 For All Mankind jeans makes them feel about global warming. The JBorhood, on the other hand, is an in-depth, erudite sports periodical, a weekly sampling of sports sustenance, if you will. The JBorhood is to sports blogs, like pancetta is to bacon. See, I told you I'm a pretentious wanker…)

AL Playoff Predictions (Original)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels of the Greater Anaheim Area in Southern California of the Western United States (Seriously? You're from Anaheim. Get over it.)
AL Central Winner: Detroit Tigers
AL Wild Card Winner: Cleveland Indians

AL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

AL East Winner: Boston Red Sox
AL West Winner: Los Angeles Angels
AL Central Winner: Chicago White Sox
AL Wild Card Winner: Tampa Bay Rays

For those of you that picked the White Sox and/or the Devil Rays to make, nay, compete for the playoffs, all I can say is pass the bong. All the pre-season chatter this year centered around Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis and the new-look Tigers and whether or not Cleveland could take the next step. Flash forward to midseason and the White Sox and Twins lead the AL Central, while the Tigers languish in third with a sub .500 record and the Cleveland Indians discuss summer vacation plans and mojito recipes, having already given up on the season and traded their star pitcher. Meanwhile, the Yankees, A's and Rangers (Yes, you read that right: The Rangers.) are battling with the Twins and Rays for the Wild Card in, what I'm calling, the most boring playoff race in American League history.

I take a few months off and the Twins, Rays, A's and Rangers get good? What's next, the Cubs in first place?

I'm so glad you asked…

NL Playoff Predictions (Original)

NL East Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
NL West Winner: Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: New York Mets

NL Playoff Predictions (Revised)

NL East Winner: New York Mets
NL West Winner: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Central Winner: Chicago Cubs
NL Wild Card Winner: Milwaukee Brewers

Not only are the Cubs in first place in their division, they have the best record in baseball. I feel like I need to pass the bong. As far as things that I never thought I'd say in the same sentence, "Cubs" and "best record in baseball" ranks up there with "JBorhood" and "tempered restraint" or "Battlefield Earth" and "Oscar winning performance". The Cubs have the best record in baseball? Next thing I know, you're going to tell me that the University of Hawaii made it to a BCS game, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks won the NCAA tournament after they were down by 9 points with a minute to play, the Celtics bounced back from a 24-58 season to win the NBA title and Tiger Woods won the US Open with a torn ACL and two stress fractures in his right leg…

You know, maybe it's just that kind of year.

(Yes, I am going to convenient gloss over the fact that I changed all of my first half predictions, save my homer pick of the Cubs. Thanks for asking.)

AL Award Winners (Original)

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander (Detroit)
AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera (Detroit)
AL Rookie of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury (Boston)

AL Award Winners (Revised)

AL Cy Young: Roy Halladay (Toronto)
AL MVP: Josh Hamilton (Texas)
AL Rookie of the Year: Evan Longoria (Tampa Bay)

My pre-season picks look about as good as Detroit's postseason chances right now. Verlander decided to start the year off with an ERA of 6.60 in May, Miguel Cabrera decided to spend more time and Krispy Kreme then the ball park and Ellsbury, well, Ellsbury's been good (.340 OBP, 35 Stolen Bases), but Evan Longoria has taken the league by storm. Aside from a name that makes my wife giggle and makes you think of Tony Parker's wife more then a baseball player, Longoria has done nothing since he got called up to the big leagues. Nothing, that is, but hit. Even though he didn't get called up until mid-April, Longoria is tied for 14th in the AL in home runs, tied for 18th in RBI and 12th in slugging percentage (how hard you hit the ball, for you non-baseball fans who have bravely soldered on), confidently staking his claim as the preeminent Longoria whose name begins with Eva in the United States.

NL Award Winners (Original)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: David Wright (New York)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

NL Award Winners (Revised)

NL Cy Young: Brandon Webb (Arizona)
NL MVP: Albert Pujols (St. Louis)
NL Rookie of the Year: Geovany Soto (Chicago)

Wait...Decent predictions from the JBorhood? Even a stopped clock is Wright twice a day.

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(Sorry, that joke is terrible. Even by my standards…)

Before I embarrass myself any further (if that's even possible), it's probably in everyone's best interest to just call it a day and get ready for the second half of the season and Rich Harden's impending visit with James Andrews...

See you next Friday!