Forget the Jordanesque comeback.
No more hints.
No more mystery.
No more innuendo.
The JBorhood is back and I'm coming out swinging, so sit back, relax, grab a hat and hold the hell on to it.
It's go time.
Did you know the Tour De France was going on?
Neither did I.
Now that you know, do you care?
Yeah, same here.
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Rich Harden is Canadian for Mark Prior
In a move that can only be described as utterly Cub, the Cubs acquired disabled list MVP Rich Harden. When he's healthy, he might be the best starter in baseball. The caveat of course being that Rich Harden is to disabled lists as the JBorhood is to obscure, alliterative, run on sentences. Maybe the Cubs figured they'd would recapture the magic of 2003 and ride the arm of a fragile talented starter to a crushing Division Championship loss. Maybe the Chicago Tribune -- who owns the Cubs -- wanted to increase revenue by creating a lottery to guess the date Harden suffers a season ending injury (Count me in for July 31). Regardless, the Cubs championship hopes once again hinge on the right arm of an injury prone mercurial talent.
Shoot me now.
(In a related story, the stock price of Jack Daniels jumped over 50% as Cubs fans prepared for the impending post season disaster.)
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OMG! Brett Favre 2 Return? LMAO!
I'm going to completely sidestep the discussion of whether or not Brett Favre will return, or whether or not he should return, or what team he will play for, or what kind of syrup he likes on his blueberry pancakes. (Usually maple, but he does enjoy coconut from time to time.)
My favorite subplot from the Great Brett Favre Retirement Saga 2008?
He notified the Packers General Manager, Ted Thompson, that he was thinking of returning by text message. But it doesn't stop there. Thompson refused to return Favre's text message because he was on vacation! To make matters worse, ESPN reported the story like the invasion of Normandy...
(Allow me to liberally paraphrase)
ESPN Reporter: We have just received word that Brett Favre sent a "text message" (yes, he did make the quote symbols. Ok, maybe he didn't but isn't it funnier that way?) to Packers GM Ted Thompson that a friend of a roommate of a girl who sat next to Favre's brother in Crockery Class said might intonate that Favre is thinking about possibly, discussing the idea of potentially, starting the proceedings of making a comeback.
Sportscenter Host: OMG. For realz?
ESPN Reporter: For realz.
Sportscenter Host: No way.
ESPN Reporter: Way.
Sportscenter Host: TTFN.
ESPN Reporter: SICBTFMTRTDS. TFSBSSBISMOF. (Seriously, I can't believe they forced me to report this degrading story. The football season better start soon before I set myself on fire.)
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Country goes to Hell, Senate shops for handbasket
The JBorhood is not, nor will ever be a venue for political grandstanding. People have incredibly strong, deeply rooted opinions about politics and any discussion on the topic generally leads to rhetoric, name calling, hurt feelings and circuitous debate. Furthermore, I'm too liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends, so regardless of the issue, I usually just upset everyone.
That said, when something happens in our country that is against the best interests of every citizen of the country, I think it warrants discussion. On Wednesday, Congress approved a bill that grants retroactive immunity to the Telecom companies and President Bush for their illegal wiretapping after 9/11. (Click on the link to see which of your Senators voted for and against the bill.)
I can hear the arguments now...
Congratulations, America. Your rights have just been sold to the highest bidder. I hope Congress enjoys their thirty pieces of silver.
(Ok, I'm done now. It won't happen again. I promise.)
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Matt Jones two prostitutes short of a felony, three short of a Keith Richards Saturday night
Jaguars wide receiver Matt Jones was arrested in his college hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas for possession of SIX GRAMS OF COCAINE, which is six times the limit for "intent to distribute" (i.e. - holy hell, if you have that much cocaine you're either a drug dealer or front man for Motley Crue). All of you University of Hawaii fans, surely remember that Jones is the receiver who beat out former UH wideout Chad Owens for the final spot on the Jaguars roster. I fully intended to expound on the hilarity of a backup, washed up, former first round draft pick wide receiver carrying around enough drugs to successfully proposition an elephant, but I had too much fun coming up with funny headlines for the story:
Jones justifies behavior, says he wanted to start acting like a star receiver
Jones puts the bust in busted
Jones said he wanted to make sure he had enough for everyone in Fayetteville
(And last, but not least, for all you Hawaii fans who remember that Jones is the receiver who beat out former UH star Chad Owens for the final spot on the UH roster...)
Somewhere, Chad Owens is laughing
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Walmart's new logo looks like a...
No comment.
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With that, dear friends and JBors, I must bid you adieu. See you next week for more fun, flippancy and frivolity, but hopefully, no Favre.
Ciao, J
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