The Unwritten Rules of Nicknames

If, for some reason, you haven’t heard, two amazing events have recently occurred in the life of Kobe Bryant, and you may be surprised which one I think is most amazing. During the last month Kobe scored 81 points in a basketball game, breaking the non-Wilt Chamberlain scoring record (Wilt scored an even hundo), and he picked up the self-proclaimed nickname “Black Mamba”. While scoring 81 points in a game, albeit against the hapless Raptors, is a once in a generation accomplishment, assuming a self-proclaimed nickname, as ridiculous as “Black Mamba” is perhaps, the most single most ridiculous thing that has occurred in the NBA since John Stockton’s pants. Simply, “Black Mamba” isn’t a nickname that you can give yourself. It’d be like trying to say, from now on, call me “Sex Machine”. “Nice to meet you, I’m John”, “Oh really, they call me ‘SEX MACHINE’”. In giving himself this name, Kobe flagrantly broke the Unwritten Rule of Nicknames #1 – Thou shalt not grant thyself a cool nickname. If you want people to start calling you Larry, because your parents, in a moment of intoxication, decided to name you Lawrence, that’s fine. If you choose to go by Skip or Junior be my guest. But the decision to adopt a really cool nickname is completely out of your hands. It’s one of those things that has to come with a really cool story, or explanation. Great nicknames are BORN, not created on a whim.

What’s even worse, is that Kobe’s new self-assumed Mamba moniker breaks the Unwritten Rule of Nicknames #2 – Thou shalt not assume a nickname, if a similar and much cooler nickname exists. How does Kobe get off trying to call himself the Black Mamba when the Kobra or the Kobrattle Snake would be such perfect fits. Think about getting ready to do battle with Kobrattle Snake! Ok, well, at least Kobra is a good nickname.

At least all of this has a silver lining, because of the Unwritten Rule of Nicknames #1.A – “If thou grants thyself a cool nickname, thy peers may create new nicknames which make fun of it”. It’s like when Sean “Puffy” Combs decided to become P. Diddy. It was fabulous, because we had free license to call him Padoodle from then on. Now that Kobe has expressed his desire to become La Mamba Negra, we can feel free to call him whatever we want: Black Mambo, Mr. Mambo, Kobra, the Kobrattle Snake. It’s open season on Kobe.

Until next time fellow J-Bors, thanks for tuning in. Now if I can only convince my wife to stop referring to herself as the White Mamba…