A Year in Review

As 2006 comes to a close and we usher in the year of James Bond (2-007), I wanted to take a look back at the year in sports and hand out some awards to the teams, athletes and moments for which 2006 will always be remembered. Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present the first annual J-Borhood Golden Pineapple Awards.

(Note: The more I think about it, the more I think “Golden Pineapple Award” sounds kind of sissy; like a mango infused piña colada served in a hollowed out pineapple or something. With that in mind, I’ll buy a drink – think top shelf, people – for the person who can come up with the best name for the Annual J-Borhood awards.)

Sack of Hammers Award: Charlie Casserly, ex-GM of the Houston Texans

The ignoble Sack of Hammers Award is presented to the sports figure who best personifies the phrase, “dumb as a sack of hammers”.

Sam Bowie's career was as long as his shorts...

As funny as it sounds, deciding on the winner of this award was one of the most difficult decisions. Truth be told, there were an incredible number of deserving candidates. Barry Bonds continued his plodding quest towards infamy, Bode Miller crashed and burned on the world’s biggest stage, Floyd Landis injected himself with a steroid that takes weeks before taking effect with one week left in the Tour de France, Isaiah Thomas and Matt Millen continued their ongoing struggle for the title of Worst GM in sports and TO continued to act a fool in a way that only TO can. Yet one man dared to stand below these clowns and make the biggest mistake since the Portland Trail Blazers selected Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan. Charlie Casserly decided to go against conventional wisdom, non-conventional wisdom, common sense, his sense of sight and the laws of Physics when he drafted Defensive End, Mario Williams ahead of the human highlight film, Reggie Bush and hometown hero and NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year winner Vince Young. Congratulations Mr. Casserly, your mind numbing stupidity earns you a place of honor in the J-Borhood winners…err, losers circle.

The Bare Kunckle Award: Zinedine Zidane, French National Soccer Team

The Bare Knuckle Award is presented to the sports figure who delivered the best knockout blow of the year.

I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about my mother like that

While Carmelo Anthony made a late year push to win this award for his sissy girl slap of Knick’s rookie Mardy Collins – if only for the unintentional comedic value of a thuggish Basketball star slapping someone and the subsequently running like a bitch – this award unquestionably goes to Zinedine Zidane for his headbutt of Marco Matterazzi during the World Cup finals. In fact, I’m not sure that I have or will ever see a better knockout blow during a sporting event in my lifetime. (For the record, this slides ahead of Kyle Farnsworth’s takedown of Paul Wilson in the pantheon of great sports violence.) The world’s best soccer player knocking out an opponent with a headbutt during overtime of the World Cup was the sporting equivalent of Michael Jordan punching Byron Russell in the face instead of sinking the game winning jumper in his last game to win the NBA Finals. I haven’t been this stunned while watching a sporting event since Mike Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield’s ear. Yet, while Tyson’s outbreak was an act of sheer lunacy, Zidane’s smash was leveled in response to Matterazzi allegedly calling his mom and sister Algerian Terrorists. Was it stupid and shortsighted? Yes. Did it cost his team the World Cup and permanently tarnish his legacy? Probably. Yet it firmly cemented him as an immortal bad ass and made Americans realize that all soccer players aren’t a bunch of pussies. Nice work, Zizu!

The Fluke Victory Award: St. Louis Cardinals, for winning the World Series

The Fluke Victory Award goes to the sports figure or team that wins has the biggest fluke win or season of the year .

The Cardinals don't deserve a picture

Couldn't resist taking one last crack at the worst World Series team in the history of baseball.

The Oh S*** Award: - Kobe Bryant scoring 81 points against the Raptors

The Oh S*** Award goes to the sports figure most responsible for regressing the world’s vocabulary to two words…

Mamba is a bad mother...watch your mouth

This award was a battle between four equally worthy contestants – Zidane, for his headbutt, Vince Young, for his overall play in the Rose Bowl, Devin Hester, for his return of a missed field goal for a touchdown and Kobe Brant, for his 81 point game against the Raptors – but in the end, it became a battle between Devin Hester and Kobe Bryant. Zidane’s headbutt was the most shocking play, but it lacked athletic amazement. Vince Young played the game of the year, but there wasn’t one moment that truly left you in a state of shock. On the flip side, Devin Hester’s run back left me running around the inside of Ryan’s Bar and Grill like Genghis Khan (much to the delight of the staff, I’m sure) and frantically calling every family member and Bear’s fan I knew to talk about what I’d just seen. In similar fashion, Kobe’s game was so over the top, I watched the replay 3 separate times and found myself glued to the seat and cheering “Mamba, Mamba!” throughout the fourth quarter. As a lifelong Bulls fan I watched Michael Jordan play for 13 years – the two years in Washington never happened – and I never saw him put on a pure scoring display like Kobe’s game. Truly stunning. I came close to making this award a tie, but in the end I gave the award to Kobe for making a run at a record (Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game) people had long considered an untouchable relic.

Clench Your Butt Cheeks Award: Barbaro, for breaking his leg in the Preakness

The Clench Your Butt Cheeks Award goes to the sports figure who suffers the most shocking and bizarre injury of the year.

Trust me, we're better off without the picture

This was the easiest award to give out. By far. I decided to watch the Kentucky Derby for the first time ever this year, if for no other reason, it provided a great excuse to drink Mint Juleps at 10 in the morning. At the beginning of the race, I was mildly interested at best, but as the race progressed, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was watching history in the making. Barbaro obliterated the field and had the look of the first Triple Crown winner in almost 30 years. I was so enamored with his speed, grace and power that I decided to watch horse racing again (truly a landmark event). Unfortunately, as Barbaro rocketed from the gates in the Preakness, he suffered the most paintful, butt clenching injury I’ve ever seen. Watching Barbaro’s leg shatter again and again and again (seriously, did we need to replay it 75 times? Says the guy who watched 75 replays…) was gut wrenching. The J-Borhood sends their best wishes and prayers to Barbaro, the horse that almost made horse racing relevant for me.

Homer Award: Devin Hester, Colt Brennan (tie)

The Homer Award goes to the sports figure on whom I have the biggest man crush.

What does Devin's front look like? The world may never know.

I can’t remember a year where two athletes burst into my sporting world in such breathtaking fashion. Colt Brennan smashed the all-time NCAA passing record and single handedly made UH football relevant again. Devin Hester established himself as the most electrifying player in the NFL as he ran into the record books not once, but twice, tying the NFL record for longest run back and setting the record for most returns in a season. Both of these players deserved full articles venerating their virtues, but unfortunately, both rocked my collective universe during a down time in my blog writing and thus their exploits remain vacant from the J-Borhood’s hallowed ground. But Colt and Devin had so many unbelievable moments that it would be silly to try and summarize their collective accomplishments here. I hereby promise to write full length articles on both men at the nearest opportunity. (Note: All bets are off if Colt declares for the NFL draft. Don’t do it Colt. I know the millions and fame are enticing, but what about starring in your very own J-Borhood article. You can’t put a price on that.)

Cinderella Award: George Mason

The Cinderella Award goes to the sports figure who shocks the world and wins one for the little guy.

Millions of bracket owners were not quite as happy

Not be confused with the old boss of CTU, (If you don’t understand the reference, it’s from 24 aka God’s gift to Television. If you have not started watching 24 yet, what are you waiting for? Stop reading this right now, call in sick to work and go buy the first two seasons. You’ll thank me later.) this small school from Washington DC (Note: I actually had to look that up.) single handedly destroyed 90% of America’s brackets with their improbable run to the Final Four. People that claim they put George Mason in the Final Four are either George Mason alumni or liars. What made their tournament run especially amazing was that they knocked off tournament favorite Connecticut, whose team had three first round NBA draft picks in the starting lineup. Furthermore, their victory even had monumental ramifications during this year’s college football season. (Stay with me.)

First off, the President of GMU placed a full page ad in the Boise newspaper, wishing Boise State luck and imploring them to carry the banner of the underdog proudly in their BCS bowl game against Oklahoma. Needless to say Boise State cashed in on this much needed luck by converting on 4th and 18 with a hook and ladder play and then scoring a two point conversion on the Statue of Liberty play. Next, by knocking off Connecticut, George Mason paved the way for Florida to win the National Championship. In their victory speech the Florida players announced that they would forgo the NBA draft to comeback and defend their title and urged the football team to win the national title. Flash forward nine months and the Gators rode this wave of pride to an overwhelming victory over season long #1 Ohio State to become the first ever University to hold the National Basketball and Football championships at the same time. And to think, Boise and Florida have George Mason to thank. Who knew?

The J-Borhood extends a hearty congratulations to tiny GMU for shaking up the national landscape in not only basketball, but football as well. Truly a Cinderella story.

J-Borhood Athlete of the Year: Vince Young

Vince celebrates winning J-Borhood Athlete of the Year

Sports Illustrated picked Dwayne Wade. The Associated Press picked Tiger Woods. I’m hear to tell you that they’re crazy. This was the year of Vince Young. Everybody else was just along for the ride.

He started the year by single handedly beating USC, a team that people were tabbing as the greatest college football team of all-time, by passing for 267 and rushing for 200 yards, including the game winning scramble on 4th down to secure the national championship for the University of Texas. To put those numbers in perspective, I spent the entirety of 2006 playing NCAA Football on my Playstation 2 and I still haven’t duplicated them. What’s even crazier, is that the numbers don’t tell the whole story. Vince put on a transcendent performance that has to be seen to be believed. He was literally unstoppable and left the entire nation breathless.

Somehow, between that game and the NFL draft, people started to forget about how Vince Young took a nation’s breath away and started to focus on unfair comparisons to Michael Vick, a low Wonderlick score and the silly notion that his game wouldn’t translate in the NFL. I know because I was one of those people. And boy, do I feel stupid.

Vince Young took over an 0-3 Tennessee Titans team, which NFL pundits left for dead, and led them on a stretch of 6 straight wins and within a game of making the playoffs the playoffs. Along the way he continued to display his amazing elusiveness and never ending will to win. He led a 4th quarter comeback against Payton Manning and the Colts, staged the largest 4th quarter comeback in franchise history with a 24 points against the Giants, and ran for a 39 yard touchdown in overtime to seal a win against his hometown Houston Texans, who bypassed him in the draft. Throughout this incredible season, critics continued to issue Vince backhanded compliments saying “Vince Young just wins football games”, as if he lacked the necessary skills but somehow found a way to win. Well I’ll say it right here, once and for all. If someone can find me a more important skill for an NFL Quarterback then the ability to win football games, I’m all ears.

Keep it up Vince. The J-Borhood will be watching.

Well everyone, it’s been a wonderful first year in the J-Borhood and I’m excited to keep things rolling into the New Year. Make sure to let me know if I missed any awards!

Finally, mahalo for your continued support of my wild ramblings. Here’s a few quick thoughts to tide you over:

• Let’s review Barry Bonds mentality in the face of his failed amphetamine test, which he blamed on a substance he took from teammate Mark Sweeney’s locker. He’s vehemently anti-performance enhancing drugs, but pro-lying, pro-stealing and all for dragging a teammate through the mud. Nice work, Barry.
• After the Sixers decided to buy out the remaining 43 million of his contract, Chris Webber has declared that he wants to sign with the Heat, Pistons, Lakers, Mavs or Spurs. What a coincidence Chris, so do I.
• Quips from my brother while watching the Budweiser Sponsored aerial coverage of the National Championship game: “Why do we need aerial coverage? The game is in a dome!”
• Further quip from an unnamed hyperbole prone friend at the game, after watching Troy Smith slide to avoid a hit. “I hate Quarterback’s that slide more then anything in the world.” Anything, I asked. “Yep. Genocide in Sudan? Secondary to Quarterback’s that slide.”
• With all due respect to Justin Timberlake, I brought sexy back a long time ago.