You’re sick of reading about football and I’m sick of writing about football. To make sure you don't bludgeon yourself (or me, well, mainly me) to death with a fantasy football guide, I want to take a one week football hiatus before discussing Colt Brennan’s performance at the NFL Combine and gab (and alliterate) about the grandiose gala of glitz: The Oscars.
So, lean back, put on your coolest pair of Jack Nicholson sunglasses and enjoy the show.
New Oscars. New sunglasses. Same pimptastic Jack Nicholson.
And the winner for best speech of the night goes to… Best Costume Design winner, Alexandra Byrne. She thanked three people, her team and her family in less than 15 seconds. Alexandra, we don’t know you, we don’t care. Thank you for understanding.
Technically, it wasn’t at the Oscars, but Heather Locklear looked stunning in that L’Oreal commercial. Are we entirely sure that she’s aging? Isn’t she like 85? Maybe it’s time to invest in L’Oreal…
Let me get this straight. Brad Bird, the writer of Ratatouille, has two Oscars and Johnny Depp has zero? Seriously, do the winners of all the minor awards still get the same respect as the legitimate Oscar winners? Do they still get invited to the after parties? I picture them standing around outside a liquor store like Seth, Evan and Fogell, talking about trying to pick up chicks with their Oscars and debating whether their McLovin fake ID will work.
Did anyone else think Katherine Heigl was about to cry out of sheer terror when she was presenting her Oscar?
Could Amy Adams (Giselle from Enchanted) have been any more embarrassed singing the “Happy Working Song”? As she expounded on “cleaning the toilet” and “stinky socks” in a sing-song voice that sounded like she was talking to 12 year olds with corresponding hand motions that were somehow more embarrassing (if that’s even possible), the Editor-in-Chief shook her head and said, “that poor woman.”
Watching the mind-numbingly hot Catherine Zeta-Jones talk about sharing her Oscar with husband Michael Douglas was touching. Certainly put a damper on my plans to break up their marriage.
If the Super Bowl is the pinnacle of advertising, I think the Oscars are where ads go to die. I was one melodramatic, overly artistic credit card ad away from setting myself on fire.
Watching Michael Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris and Trevor Wood, winners of the Oscar for best Visual Effects, jump around and unleash visceral screams on stage further convinced me that techies should never, under any circumstances be allowed on television.
For his sake, I hope Casey Affleck is talented. He is one ugly Affleck.
Nice to know a few things about Javier Bardem
- He doesn’t always sport that haircut
- He doesn’t always talk in that creepy guttural drawl
- He occasionally leaves the pressure gun at home
When Jon Stewart announced that “Oscar Nominee” Owen Wilson was presenting an award, my only thought was, “Owen Wilson was nominated for an Academy Award??!?!?!?!”
Raise your hand if you want to see Jerry Seinfeld promote that god-awful Bee Movie ever again. You can put your hand down, Mr. Seinfeld.
Just for once, I want someone to say in their acceptance speech, “I am thankful for me! This is for me and ONLY ME. No one helped me get here, so screw all of you.”
I’m sorry that I can’t let this go, but one year later I still can’t believe that Alan Arkin won the Best Supporting Actor award for his role in Little Miss Sunshine. I feel like I’m all alone here, but I do not see what was so special about that movie. It was a comedy THAT WASN’T FUNNY.
It takes a lot to make George Clooney blush, but when Tilda Swinton talked about him wearing the Batman suit with built-in nipples, he turned about eight shades of maroon.
Speaking of Swinton, I can’t think of a joke that is funnier or more horrifying then her dress and make-up free alien face.
For the record, Seth Rogan does make a better Halle Berry.
I think someone forgot to tell Viggo Mortenson that he did not have to come dressed in character. That said, it was a pretty sweet beard…
Perhaps Three 6 Mafia winning the 2006 Academy Award for Best Song was the sign of the apocalypse. I can find no other explanation for how utterly terrible the nominees for Best Song were this year. Are we entirely sure they didn’t switch gears this year and award the Worst Song from a Motion Picture?
Two reactions to Chris Rouse winning the award for Best Editing and saying, “My father won an Academy Award. Thank you for putting me in his company.”
- Editor-in-Chief (filled-with-choked-up-7-months-pregnant-emotion): “Awwww. That’s nice.”
- Me: “He can finally go over to Dad’s house without having that Oscar lorded over him.”
Are we entirely sure that Nicole Kidman isn’t a robot. (Take a look and then decide for yourself)
I felt like an asshole, but all I could think of when 98 year old, Lifetime Achievement Award recipient, Robert F. Boyle droned on into then twenty eighth minute of his speech was, “start the music, already!”
Cymbalta, an anti-depressant advertised during the Academy Awards, listed “suicidal thoughts” as one of its side effects. Call me crazy, but doesn’t that completely defeat the point of taking an anti-depressant?
Speaking of pill popping, what drugs did Harrison Ford take before getting on stage and is it possible to purchase those before lengthy flights? He looked like they just released him from the Carbonite in Return of the Jedi.
First thought that went through Diablo Cody’s mind after winning the award for Best Original Screenplay: “Oh my God! I can’t believe I won.”
Second thought that went through Diablo Cody’s mind after winning the award for Best Original Screenplay: “I REALLY regret wearing this dress.” Perhaps, the best way to get people to forget that you were an exotic dancer is to stop dressing like one.
So, is Diablo Cody her real name or her stripper name? If the answer is the former, her parents redefined self-fulfilling prophecy.
Daniel Day Lewis is a talented actor, but one weird looking dude.
Was it just me or did you have a hard time telling Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter apart in Sweeney Todd?
And the fakest comment of the night award goes to…No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin for exclaiming “this is a complete surprise,” upon receiving the award for Best Picture. Complete surprise to whom?
And finally, I think it’s safe to say that the Coens are more comfortable behind the camera then in front.
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