Hamburgers, handjobs and the BCS

Welcome back to barguments, a series of short posts designed to help you sound like a genius while discussing sports around the water cooler or win an argument at a bar, a bar argument, or bargument, if you will.

Don't get me wrong. You don't need the help. The mere fact that you're reading the JBorhood suggests you possess a mighty intellect and staggering good looks, however, I'm going to kick it up a notch (the intellect, not the looks; not that you need any help, you sexy beast). That way, you can devote more of your free time to your true pleasures, like go-cart racing, monkey jousting, and iambic pentameter poetry writing.

Today's bargument is about hand jobs, hamburgers, and swift kicks in the nuts.

A hamburger is better than a swift kick in the nuts. Not exactly groundbreaking news.

A hand job is better than a hamburger in almost all cases. However, if made correctly, a burger can approach, though not exceed, a poorly executed digital pleasuring.

By the transitive property, a hand job is better than a swift kick in the nuts, not that it was up for debate.

The relative merits of the items in question shouldn't raise too many eyebrows, however, they're important for establishing our baseline.

Hand Job > Hamburger > Swift Kick in the Nuts

You'd think this was straight forward, but that's because you're a devastatingly beautiful, astute reader of the JBorhood and not a BCS apologist.

One of the most common arguments levied in favor of the BCS is, "It's better than the old system!" Yes, that's true. Any system that matches the two (arguably) best teams in the country is better than one that does not. Nearly everyone agrees that Oregon and Auburn are the best two teams in the country, in some order, and are excited to watch them play for the National Title on January 10th. But then, nearly everyone agrees that a hamburger is better than a swift kick in the nuts.

That doesn't make a hamburger better than a hand job.

A playoff system (4 team; 8 team; 128 team; whatever) is better than the current BCS system. There is no single convincing argument supporting a bizarre, black-box ranking system that concludes that the #10 team in the Country is better than the #11 team because Appalachian State beat Western Illinois unconvincingly -- No, really -- over a playoff, the method employed by every single other sport on the planet. None. So people need to stop trumpeting the mind-numbingly trite fact that a BCS system is better than the original Bowl system as evidence against the need for a playoff.

Yes, the BCS is better than the nothing, but that doesn't make it better than a playoff (or a hand job, for that matter).

So, the next time a smug, ironic college football hipster tries to pass off the superiority of the BCS over the Bowl system as a pseudo-intellectual argument against a playoff, ask them how they feel about hamburgers and hand jobs. Better yet, just give them a swift kick in the nuts.